The Parking Space

This is a throwback oldie but goodie lesson.

The Parking Space
5/7/2013
So I was looking for parking the other day at school. I’m sometimes lazy and try like many others I am sure, to find the closest space to my classroom since my campus is huge. I also simultaneously have been looking for work that is high paying and that I will love and that is fun!

I am in between two job offers both of which I wanted very much.. and I had been going over and over them in my head. I was thinking that maybe I would choose one and then not like it; analytical thoughts.

I decide to drop it and leave it in God’s hands and not think about it. I drive to school thinking about my exam, getting an A on it and singing Marina and the Diamonds Electra Heart album. Normally there is a circling around romantically before I find a parking space and then I will either have to walk the long way to class but I always look for the space closest.

So I am driving down the street a second time and there is a parking space right across from my class!

I try to fit my car in and notice it is a little small, but I keep thinking I will try to fit anyway because it is so much closer. After a bit of maneuvering to try to fit the car in there.. I realize at some point I am just not going to fit into this space. I cannot park here. Damn it!

Then I drove down a little further and on the same side of the street, though now two, three more blocks from my class, is a parking space that was fit for a queen and my car fits in easily. I fit right in, no maneuvering into the parking space, no parallel parking skills to show off, no spending any more time trying to get it in there. I literally could just drive my car in.

Here I came to a realization immediately. I want to work for company (XYZ)! I felt it was like this parking space situation that was teaching me something. I fit there. I may not be at my goal, I may not love what I do yet, but this is a place where I fit in. If I go where I do not fit in there will be problems and experience has shown me that. I have had jobs where I did not fit and did not feel comfortable being who I am because I am unique and those environments were stuffy or fake or .. or.. something else.

I realized in that moment of parking which position to take. I am going to try to be myself at work, again. For so many years I have put on a suit and played the person that I created in that “power” suit. That person was not happy. I don't have to try to be something I am not.

Like that parking space, no matter how far it looks from your goal, sometimes things just fit and you realize when there is no struggle that that is exactly where you need to be at that time and not compromise who you really are.

My dis-ease and plans for the New Year

Dusting off the ol blog. Chip off the keyboard and blowing away the spiderwebs. Hello again, Bloggie! I am writing in here because I believe this will be a year where I may need to "let the crazy out" somewhere, other than to friends and family.

I have contracted a strange illness and this will be my journey going through it. No horror stories, hopefully just posts of growing faith, some confusion, detoxing and good food.

With that here is my Decembers 2nd to last posting. Happy holidays to you! I feel extremely ill this week. I am at 9 weeks on MMS and I am at 13 drops per MMS protocol. My stomach pain is intense again tonight! I feel like I have hardcore cramps. Had a fever this week and intense nausea. Anyone else feel this?!

The last two weeks have been a challenge and eye opening to how I think sometimes, how I need more of God and how much my past has really affected the way I believe life to be. The way I believe life will be. My life has been very hard and so my perspective on life has many times become that life is hard. This is not necessarily true. This is also definitely not the best perspective to have for healing right now. This mindset needs to change! I see my very real need to be going after the ‘renewing of my mind’ to Christ’s promises and God's possibilities instead of my limited view of "what is", "what has been".

God has literally been with me the entire way this week. I must be getting even closer to Him because today I was singing to Him and praising in the shower as I was simultaneously having strange images of (oddly) being in a kind of concentration camp flashing through my mind.

The amount of “lint” on my body from the week before last was disconcerting. What is NOT comforting is that we do likely have this stuff coming out of us onto the clothes, into the washer and also out of the dryer. From what I read from other warriors is that the symptoms of getting to wellness, seem to be exactly the same as the symptoms of contracting this. Itching, intense crawling, and the “bites” or bumps. I am freaked out by the lint situation, buuut, for some reason we went PI and have looked into it; secretly spying on the others clothing in the same dryers, (everyone uses the same 6 washers and dryers) and I cleaned all the buildings dryers with KG and have seen that everyone’s clothes come out with lots of lint - it was not just ours. That was extremely comforting! There is also a linty & non linty dryer, We're now using the non linty dryer and it's much better.

I am most definitely looking into the changing of my typical Western diet. I am trying to create candida free recipes and tweak where I need to so that I can really like some of the food. (I have been eating clean on and off for the last 2-3 years) it seems going back to mostly raw that has been hard, but not impossible. I am even attempting to find ways to eat 3 veggies I always hated-peppers, onions, and eggplant. They have a place in this diet and I need to open up to them! I am on labels like a hound and have memorized the looks of all the names of hidden sugars/GMOs! I cut out the nut cookies, organic tomatoes, vegan desserts and also the blueberries and grapefruit for the time being and will continue to tweak as these were contributing to me being acidic which increases crawling sensations.

SUGAR ADDICT STATUS: So far I am still refined sugar free and I believe I am at least 3 days or so with being strictly even protocol sugar free-all the Praise to God! I literally ran out of my extension kit and had to just rely on diet for 4 days; no Candida Rid; there was 1 day there that I just ate sooo much coconut manna (coconut puree) and almond butter; it was very frustrating for me! This week I am shooting once again for no sugars or only having the "sugars allowed" on protocol. I believe they are natural vegetable sugars, (excluding the ones in the GIycemic article), Stevia, Xylitol, and natural nut sugars (except mold/fungus nuts - peanuts, etc). Spending roughly $80-$100 a week so far in food =/ but it would be higher medical bills I am sure.

Its looking like when we remove what we used to sedate ourselves (my sugars, popcorns and processed foods), all the emotions that I was trying to shove down with food are coming to the surface now. They're here and they are not going away. I turned to food for comfort, not God. Now I need to learn how to get comfort from God while knowing when I even need comfort! Instead of looking in the fridge for where my food comes from. It doesn't come from the fridge and neither does my comfort. This is a lie from the pit of hell that my body has been believing. Yes I buy the food from the store and put it in there but it DOES NOT come from there. I go to the fridge when I'm hungry looking for food AND when I have these emotions. There right in your face, vying for your attention HELLO! Here I am!. Sadness, Frustration, Despair, Confusion, Impulsiveness, Anger, FEAR. And I have a choice to make: stuff these down with a bag of "paleo protocol" chips, 3 handfuls of almonds and a box of grain free/sugar free cookies OR allow the emotion to move up, out and through me, no matter how uncomfortable that may feel. AND it does feel uncomfortable. VERY uncomfortable. The crawling comes and it's a constant reminder that I am messing up with the food. The nausea comes as a reminder. Your comfort IS NOT HERE, God said in a very low voice. Little by little though I feel I AM getting there. I WILL be able to claim being healed and I WILL overcome this food/addiction. It's more than just figuring out what I am going to be able to eat at/through the movies this Wednesday. Today it's more like I am questioning exactly what am I eating during the movie, FOR?

MOVING/MARRIAGE: Looks like my SO after seeing me sick for the last couple days does not think it is a good idea for us to move across country after all. He wants to keep me as stable as possible. He does not want to put added stress on me and the last 3 days I could hardly get up to feed myself much less pack and such. He has been very sweet taking care of me. Our marriage date is being held off as well then while we raise money to even get married, be able to move in somewhere together and so that I can have a RING and a DRESS. Even I wonder well, Why? Why do I feel I need these things? In God's scheme of things, of His love, the consistent continuing love that he wants us to have for each other, to respect each other, to give to one another and submit to one another under Him - seeking first His kingdom. Where are these material things even a part of that? They are not. Why then are they important to me?

Sure, when I was a little girl I had dreams of a marriage, my wedding (as all little girls probably do) but, from the movies. I never had my own original desire to even get married or even pictured myself doing so because it seemed like such a mistake from what I could see with my own divorced parents and abusive lifestyle. However, now I find, I just dont want to get married right away. I do not want to rush it because we are sick and yet we don't want to keep sleeping separately and not live together.. but that's a terrible reason to rush a ceremony. We talked about it and it all just feels wrong. Freeman WANTS to give me the ring and WANTS me to be able to wear the dress I want to wear, but I don't want to feel crawling in our wedding clothes. We've decided to wait. We don't want Morgellons to be part of our wedding memories or rushing it just because of our situation. We always said we were not planning the wedding because we were planning instead for the actual marriage. We have been working on our marriage way before the wedding plans came into effect, BUT its not planned. No, the "wedding" is NOT PLANNED. That's bad right? The irony is now I want it to be planned before rushing ahead. Yet, I'm tired. I have no energy to plan. We have zero money to do it the way we would both even want to. I have no energy to do it at all as I once did and would have taken on all aspects. His youthful energy (and low symptoms) is spent on working many hours so that I can have a place to live while he stays nights over at our friends house since we want to honor God before this marriage and do not sleep in the same place or fool around with one another.

Anyway, it's a strange week for me indeed. This has turned into a feelings rant, but I believe God will be with me and give me clarity.

Unlikely place for a witnessing

1/27/2009 at 2:53 pm gwd
Delete 1/27/2009 at 2:53 pm
(2:53:08 pm)gwd:Hi, just came across your rant about people stating they are "sarcastic" as an introduction to their abrasive personality, and couldn't agree with you more.
(2:53:13 pm)Sharizx9:hi
(2:53:17 pm)Sharizx9:thanks
(2:54:36 pm)gwd:whoops, I just finished reading the end
(2:55:01 pm)Sharizx9:lol
(2:55:05 pm)gwd:I guess thanks for cleaning up the language
(2:55:12 pm)Sharizx9:its ok
(2:55:20 pm)Sharizx9:i gave credit where it was due just now though
(2:55:32 pm)Sharizx9:i reposted because i agreed with it too
(2:55:36 pm)Sharizx9:and it needed to be said..
(2:55:50 pm)Sharizx9:i just told the person who wrote it that you also liked it
(2:56:05 pm)gwd:cool thanks
(2:56:09 pm)Sharizx9:np!
(2:56:11 pm)Sharizx9::)
(3:00:04 pm)gwd:I'm Den by the way.
(3:00:24 pm)Sharizx9:Hi Den. I'm calling myself S
(3:00:56 pm)gwd:is that an 'S' or a "five"
(3:01:08 pm)Sharizx9:it is an "S"
(3:01:17 pm)Sharizx9:as in Sam, or the end of Den :P
(3:01:25 pm)gwd:okay S its nice to meet you
(3:01:29 pm)Sharizx9:nice to meet you
(3:04:04 pm)gwd:You're quite the writer. Excuse me for not keeping up on the conversation. I'm just finishing up reading your ad.
(3:04:20 pm)Sharizx9:i am happy to hear you are reading my WHOLE ad.. its rare..
(3:06:15 pm)gwd:You start off easy but then wham! you lay it out there on the message me part.
(3:06:36 pm)gwd:I'll be honest I skipped through the music and food part.
(3:06:45 pm)Sharizx9:lol.. well i dont want just anyone to message me.. i know exactly what im looking for and want..
(3:06:51 pm)Sharizx9:ooh those parts are good
(3:06:57 pm)Sharizx9:food nad music.. good times
(3:07:24 pm)gwd:haha the one time I take the easy way out it comes back to bite me.
(3:07:38 pm)Sharizx9:no way.. im not judging you.. its all good :)
(3:08:32 pm)gwd:I only know about half the people you listed, but I guess that why we have youtube.
(3:08:40 pm)Sharizx9:yeah :)
(3:08:55 pm)gwd:at least you gave me something to do tonight
(3:09:10 pm)Sharizx9:your choice in what you do! :)
(3:09:47 pm)gwd:I'm always will to expand my mind
(3:09:59 pm)Sharizx9:very cool
(3:10:04 pm)gwd:always willing
(3:10:56 pm)Sharizx9:chk the movies out i talked bout too!
(3:11:02 pm)Sharizx9:they are pretty awesome
(3:11:52 pm)gwd:I do like anime. and V for Vendetta is listed on my must watch list.
(3:12:06 pm)gwd:actually it the only movie I have listed
(3:12:12 pm)Sharizx9:yeah totally.. it was so good.. alot of references to our current political environment..
(3:12:18 pm)Sharizx9:lucky they shot it out of the US
(3:13:46 pm)gwd:I agree. I think that is why it struck a chord with me.
(3:14:11 pm)Sharizx9:mhmm me too
(3:16:00 pm)gwd:Why do you have such faith in your God?
(3:16:18 pm)Sharizx9:er, well it has been life changing
(3:16:34 pm)Sharizx9:"my God" has truly changed me and my life
(3:16:41 pm)Sharizx9:and my perceptions on life
(3:16:59 pm)Sharizx9:dont get my wrong I helped
(3:17:10 pm)Sharizx9:but alot of it has been me dragging my feet and later being like ok God.. i get it this time, and then I dont get it. lol
(3:17:11 pm)Sharizx9:lol
(3:18:09 pm)Sharizx9:i mean i have fought tooth and nail with "my God"
(3:18:22 pm)gwd:I'm afraid I don't get it.
(3:18:25 pm)Sharizx9:but then later realized.. dude im a moron, it would have been so much easier to just go with it, to just trust in Him and put Him first..
(3:19:01 pm)Sharizx9:well for one my God doesnt want to harm me.. and everything that happens in life.. is usually for my good
(3:19:15 pm)Sharizx9:even the things that seem uncomfortable at the time or really frustrating to me
(3:19:22 pm)Sharizx9:hA HA I didnt get that one for a LONG time..
(3:19:46 pm)gwd:that which does not kill you right
(3:19:50 pm)Sharizx9:i dragged my feet and would fight and would insult God..lol
(3:20:04 pm)Sharizx9:and God just well loved me through it
(3:20:13 pm)Sharizx9:and opened my eyes to lessons i needed to see and learn
(3:20:33 pm)Sharizx9:i angrily would just stomp around and complain and question etc
(3:20:38 pm)Sharizx9:but then.. in retrospect.. I would see..
(3:20:50 pm)Sharizx9:so thats what i mean by alot of it has been me dragging my feet
(3:21:20 pm)Sharizx9:little by little i am learning.. its a lifelong process with God
(3:21:27 pm)Sharizx9:God doesnt give up on me ever
(3:21:30 pm)Sharizx9:lol
(3:22:05 pm)Sharizx9:for instance I am waay more patient and loving than I was say.. 1 year ago
(3:22:21 pm)Sharizx9:there is a reason for that.. and its God
(3:22:52 pm)Sharizx9:I am much more akin to the needs of others... because of Gods teachings to me
(3:23:27 pm)Sharizx9:idk... i cant explain it really.. you just have to experience God to know.. and to change.. some people get it, and some people get it and push it away out of selfishness and pride.
(3:23:53 pm)gwd:How did you find God? I mean when, how did this spiritual awakiening happen?
(3:24:05 pm)Sharizx9:wow.. how did i find God
(3:24:10 pm)Sharizx9:thats a crazy story!
(3:24:19 pm)Sharizx9:no really.. i dont think you have the time
(3:24:21 pm)Sharizx9:lol or the energy
(3:25:00 pm)gwd:I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know. I have my reasons for asking too.
(3:25:06 pm)Sharizx9:well..
(3:25:17 pm)Sharizx9:this may sound strange but i believe God found me..
(3:25:26 pm)gwd:I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know.
(3:26:02 pm)Sharizx9:this may sound strange but i believe God found me. I mean I didnt even know i was looking for something
(3:26:13 pm)gwd:sorry about the repeat.
(3:26:25 pm)Sharizx9:i was just going through my life in the depressing, usual way that people do
(3:26:38 pm)Sharizx9:filled with desires for fame, money, "love" etc
(3:26:57 pm)Sharizx9:and well at some point things had gotten really bad with all of the above and it caused my eyes to be opened to something (I didnt know what it was though!) ..
(3:27:08 pm)Sharizx9:but truly it is when we are in trouble that we look for "God"
(3:27:14 pm)Sharizx9:and I was in a whole lot of trouble!
(3:27:43 pm)Sharizx9:so i gave in .. i had a change of heart and said im gonna try this God
(3:27:53 pm)Sharizx9:Fuck, I dont believe in God.. but what else do I have to lose, I mean really?
(3:28:05 pm)Sharizx9:im at my lowest.. i mean there is nothing/no one else
(3:28:20 pm)Sharizx9:that is when God comes.. because then is when we are ready..lol
(3:28:45 pm)Sharizx9:we are not full of pride and self satisfaction etc.. shunning God.. not "needing God"
(3:29:00 pm)Sharizx9:anyway, i didnt even know it ..
(3:29:12 pm)Sharizx9:but there i was.. losing my pride.. losing my "ego"
(3:29:28 pm)Sharizx9:and then I prayed.. earnest prayer.. crying, thining of my life and what it had become and all the mistakes I had made, saying if you exist .. i mean if you are real
(3:29:40 pm)Sharizx9:then come on! pls help me, i beg you pls help me
(3:29:47 pm)Sharizx9:over and over and over again ..
(3:30:03 pm)Sharizx9:and because God had been there all along
(3:30:14 pm)Sharizx9:I finally "felt" God and He was there.. with me..living breathing and with me! I had no fear, no thoughts of hurt, it was.. well,
(3:30:31 pm)Sharizx9:and then ... I took the next steps
(3:31:05 pm)Sharizx9:the more steps I take, the more God is there and I can feel it and know with certainty
(3:31:36 pm)Sharizx9:BUT when my pride creeps in.. when I am feeling selfish, or tempted or etc..
(3:32:12 pm)Sharizx9:God doesnt move away from me, I move away from God.. and because its a truly loving God - I am allowed to do/go as I please.
(3:32:29 pm)Sharizx9:if I choose not to serve.. I am allowed and i get the consequenses of that..
(3:32:44 pm)Sharizx9:if I choose to give in and submit to the will of God.. I am allowed too, but the difference is, he blesses me.
(3:33:10 pm)Sharizx9:does this make any sense?
(3:33:15 pm)Sharizx9:sorry, i dont usually talk to people about this
(3:34:03 pm)gwd:I'm the one that asked.
(3:34:26 pm)Sharizx9:k :)
(3:34:29 pm)gwd:I have my own reasons for wanting to know about god
(3:34:38 pm)Sharizx9:oh.. cool
(3:34:58 pm)Sharizx9:well i would say dont ask me! lol.. im no pro.. i can only tell you what i know and what i personally have learned
(3:35:15 pm)Sharizx9:i say if you want to know about God.. go where God is
(3:35:35 pm)Sharizx9:and most importantly.. say whats up to God.
(3:35:52 pm)Sharizx9:actually talk and be real with God.
(3:36:10 pm)Sharizx9:thats the start i think.. actually being able to start a conversation.. beginning building that relationship - like any relationship
(3:36:13 pm)Sharizx9:im trying to do that too
(3:36:53 pm)Sharizx9:you know?
(3:38:21 pm)gwd:I don't want to listen to some expert
(3:38:55 pm)gwd:I actually want to know about real people
(3:39:05 pm)Sharizx9:well im as real as it gets i guess!
(3:39:11 pm)Sharizx9:i mean i have such a crazy background
(3:39:13 pm)gwd:real experiences
(3:39:23 pm)Sharizx9:you wouldnt think someone like me would even believe in God
(3:39:28 pm)Sharizx9:but it happened..
(3:39:37 pm)Sharizx9:and it will keep happening..to others..
(3:39:44 pm)Sharizx9:its destined actually
(3:40:00 pm)gwd:I believe in God I just don't have faith in him.
(3:40:08 pm)Sharizx9:you know what? neither did i..
(3:40:19 pm)Sharizx9:that is the harder step..
(3:40:29 pm)Sharizx9:knowing God is there but then not taking the faith and actions leap
(3:40:41 pm)gwd:what about bad things happening to good people?
(3:41:37 pm)gwd:sorry i'm not trying to get into a discussion with you.
(3:42:06 pm)Sharizx9:you know what if you dont want to talk to me its ok.. but if you do want to talk to me.. just tell me you do, ok?
(3:42:37 pm)gwd:no I want to talk to you. I just don't want to seem like I came to argue with you about god
(3:42:50 pm)Sharizx9:lol.. no worries i dont believe in arguing about God
(3:43:01 pm)gwd:good me either
(3:43:04 pm)Sharizx9:i just say it like it is ..fro mwhat i know..
(3:43:12 pm)Sharizx9:you dont have to believe or agree :)
(3:43:17 pm)Sharizx9:i wont judge you
(3:43:28 pm)Sharizx9:Jesus said dont judge.. so i try not to now
(3:43:32 pm)Sharizx9:you know?
(3:43:52 pm)Sharizx9:he didnt say dont judge certain people who believe what you believe
(3:44:04 pm)Sharizx9:he said dont judge at all, lest you be judged with the same severity..
(3:44:13 pm)Sharizx9:that means all people.. in all fairness.
(3:45:33 pm)gwd:I know what you're saying
(3:45:41 pm)Sharizx9:so its cool.. lets talk if you want.. if you want to go, go.
(3:45:47 pm)Sharizx9:what would you like to know about me and God?
(3:47:21 pm)gwd:Awesome, if you don't mind I'm going to ask for your opinion on this next question.
(3:47:33 pm)Sharizx9:ok
(3:47:52 pm)gwd:What would you do if you found out that you had say ten years to live
(3:48:09 pm)Sharizx9:truthfully?
(3:48:15 pm)gwd:yes
(3:48:43 pm)Sharizx9:i would give it up to God, pray about it, determined what I wanted to do with that 10 years and make every freaking day count until then.
(3:49:50 pm)gwd:you wouldn't be mad at him for giving you only ten years?
(3:49:50 pm)Sharizx9:for me, with what I know about Jesus..there will be a way..either way His will will be done, so why fight it? that is where i am now with it, i didnt used to be but now after all thats happened, I am trying to submit to God more and more..
(3:49:57 pm)Sharizx9:yes i would
(3:50:06 pm)Sharizx9:my body, my relevant mind would be raving mad
(3:50:12 pm)Sharizx9:but... and this is the big but
(3:50:36 pm)Sharizx9:I choose His will over mine.. until I got to this place, I was ALWAYS mad
(3:50:50 pm)Sharizx9:and so things kept happening to me in life..situations to teach me patience, situations to teach me to surrender, situations to give me humility etc etc
(3:51:19 pm)Sharizx9:they made me so mad at the time.. I would be so freaking confused and feel so bad about myself..
(3:51:51 pm)Sharizx9:but over time.. little by little.. he has pushed (and allowed through life experiences and even the devils temptations) me in the direction I need to be
(3:52:20 pm)Sharizx9:man, we can either fight Him all the way there.. or we can give in and be happy about it and just go and get blessed in the process..
(3:52:24 pm)Sharizx9:either way.. we are goin..
(3:52:32 pm)Sharizx9:either way the end comes.
(3:52:55 pm)Sharizx9:im gonna cry
(3:53:12 pm)Sharizx9:this is a blessing..
(3:53:13 pm)gwd:don't cry
(3:53:24 pm)Sharizx9:in telling you this, He has just made me realize something I been asking about for a long time - about relationships, about where to be, about what to do..
(3:53:51 pm)Sharizx9:no its ok to cry..
(3:54:00 pm)Sharizx9:please never tell someone not to cry..
(3:54:04 pm)Sharizx9:you know why?
(3:54:14 pm)gwd:no i don't know why
(3:54:24 pm)Sharizx9:when you tell a child not to cry
(3:54:38 pm)Sharizx9:youare in essence asking them not to feel what they are feeling
(3:54:51 pm)gwd:I see
(3:54:57 pm)Sharizx9:you are leting them know that their feelings are not acceptable..
(3:55:08 pm)Sharizx9:and children who are not allowed to cry
(3:55:15 pm)Sharizx9:become adults that stifle their emotions or try to use things to stifle emotions
(3:55:21 pm)gwd:That is very mind blowing... but good to know.
(3:55:31 pm)Sharizx9:adults that cannot attune to their own pain
(3:55:43 pm)Sharizx9:and adults that cannot feel, cannot feel for others
(3:55:59pm)Sharizx9:then they become hate filled and the only emotion/things they can access is anger and self degradation
(3:56:28 pm)Sharizx9:it is ok for me to cry when something bad happens and I am sad about it
(3:56:38 pm)Sharizx9:and this may blow your mind, but its ok for you to cry too
(3:56:50 pm)gwd:okay, then why are you crying?
(3:56:56 pm)Sharizx9:it took me 30 years to learn that
(3:57:10 pm)Sharizx9:30 years to learn that it is ok to cry
(3:57:18 pm)Sharizx9:and you know who taught me?
(3:57:27 pm)Sharizx9:God.. by his example in the bible..
(3:57:53 pm)Sharizx9:im crying in this instance because i am happy..
(3:57:57 pm)Sharizx9:crying can be both you know!
(3:58:27 pm)gwd:What did you just figure out?
(3:58:58 pm)Sharizx9:well ive been wondering what the deal is with God now that I let go of my need for a car here and to have everything be cushy in CA
(3:59:13 pm)Sharizx9:and the truth is.. it doesnt have to be.. im going where im going regardless..
(3:59:28 pm)Sharizx9:either i enjoy the journey or I fight him again for another 6 months..
(3:59:52 pm)Sharizx9:and why would i fight him? because inevitably he has always given me exactly what I need and taken me where I need to be
(4:00:00 pm)Sharizx9:and I am ALWAYS happier in the end..
(4:00:18 pm)Sharizx9:so i am crying because this time i am gonna just give in ..
(4:00:25 pm)Sharizx9:i am going to take my own advice to you
(4:00:28 pm)Sharizx9::)
(4:01:11 pm)gwd:sweet, glad I can help... kidding. I glad I got to witness you find some peace of mind.
(4:01:47 pm)Sharizx9:lol
(4:02:11 pm)Sharizx9:yeah .. it's moments like this. that make me glad I have God.
(4:02:59 pm)Sharizx9:a lot of people have no one.. or believe only in luck and in other humans or "things" to bring them happiness..
(4:03:28 pm)Sharizx9:what about you? what were your reasons you said u wanted to know about God?
(4:03:57 pm)Sharizx9:something about bad things happening to good people..
(4:04:18 pm)gwd:and ten years to live
(4:04:24 pm)Sharizx9:yes
(4:04:39 pm)gwd:you're a smart girl just peice it together
(4:05:06 pm)Sharizx9:i cant piece together your thoughts..lol didnt you read my ad? i dont read minds and dont ever want to :)
(4:05:50 pm)gwd:Oh, okay. Here goes...

(4:06:34 pm)gwd:I have a bad heart. Books will tell you I have 5 years to live. My doctors say anywhere from 10 to 15.
(4:06:56 pm)Sharizx9:ok and why do you say good people? do you think you are a good person?
(4:07:47 pm)gwd:I don't know any more. I used to think I was.
(4:08:02 pm)Sharizx9:i am going to say something that may upset you or make you mad
(4:08:24 pm)Sharizx9:and if it does.. i understand.. but know that it is your choice to get mad or to ask me what I mean, ok?
(4:08:26 pm)gwd:but then it gets into a whole discussion about karma or fate/destiny
(4:08:47 pm)gwd:go ahead I don't get mad
(4:09:07 pm)Sharizx9:you are not a good person. there are no "good" people.
(4:09:42 pm)Sharizx9:if you believe in God. whether you have faith or not, he gives a standard that cannot be denied in the bible of what constitutes a "good person"
(4:10:04 pm)gwd:the ten commandments?
(4:10:11 pm)Sharizx9:er, in any book of any "God" Torah, Koran, etc., commandments. you can only try to be a good person. you are not already inherently good, because you have bad thoughts
(4:10:30 pm)Sharizx9:and there is negativity in you ..as well as behaviors/choices that are not "good"
(4:10:36 pm)gwd:Okay I see that
(4:10:49 pm)Sharizx9:mind you im not just talking about you, im talking about you as a human
(4:11:07 pm)Sharizx9:pls i dont want you to think i am judging you as a person.. im not.
(4:11:11 pm)gwd:No I understand where you are coming from
(4:11:38 pm)gwd:Please, go on.
(4:11:46 pm)Sharizx9:so by the bible standards.. if you have broken one commandment you are not a good person.. nor would you.. ever go to heaven.. as it were.. unless you repent and stayed clear of sinning.
(4:12:04 pm)Sharizx9:by human standards you may not be as good as you think, either..
(4:13:09 pm)Sharizx9:but here is the real ticker.. God doesnt care about that. God still gives you a chance to try. Humans don't. God still shows you what you need to do and is very explicit. Humans are not. and at the end of the day.. God blesses the wicked AND those who try to be good.
(4:14:10 pm)Sharizx9:God cares more about saving the lost, than he does about the righteous. Jesus didnt die for those who are righteous. Jesus died for YOU. those who are imperfect, those who have anger, those who watch porn, those who steal, etc
(4:14:56 pm)Sharizx9:so talking about bad things happening to good people, you know good things also happen to bad people, and vice versa.
(4:15:09 pm)Sharizx9:the sun shines on all of us, he says. "I make the sun shine on all, I bless all and love all." im not pulling this out of my ass, its in the Bible.
(4:15:23 pm)Sharizx9:he says also why worry about tomorrow? what will we wear, what will we eat, where will we go" etc
(4:15:50 pm)Sharizx9:God alone is hanging the entire world on a string and makes the sun shine on the plants and the air for the birds to fly in. You choose Him and to do right, He blesses you. You are also free to choose to continue in sin reap from that too til the end comes.
(4:16:21 pm)Sharizx9:Jesus said, ignorant Man, do you not know you are more important to God than they? You who are so faithless, how long will I be with you?
(4:17:46 pm)Sharizx9:Dude, Jesus was very intelligent, almost every question I have had has been answered by him in human form.. in the bible..
(4:18:30 pm)Sharizx9:those commandments are damn hard to stick to!
(4:18:37 pm)Sharizx9:i know, because i have tried.. and still try..
(4:18:40 pm)Sharizx9:but...
(4:19:06 pm)Sharizx9:Jesus died so that I dont have to.. well I want to, but Jesus died so that its ok that I mess up.
(4:20:14 pm)gwd:I know about the bible I went to catholic school for 12 years
(4:20:57 pm)gwd:Like I said I believe there is a God... it's just my faith in him has been a little shaken.
(4:21:24 pm)Sharizx9:knowing about the bible from catholic school and opening it up now are 2 very different things
(4:21:28 pm)gwd:But you have help me to open my eyes to a few things that I need to seriously think about
(4:21:40 pm)Sharizx9:if it were me, I would open it now and see what you learn
(4:21:49 pm)Sharizx9:the truth is everytime i open it i learn something new
(4:21:55 pm)Sharizx9:something relevant
(4:22:25 pm)gwd:I couldn't agree more about the bible I knew about then and the bible I would learn from today
(4:22:50 pm)Sharizx9:its not me, its God, who loves you reaching out to you..through me. trust it and go with it.
(4:22:59 pm)Sharizx9:Catholic school we were forced to learn it
(4:23:13 pm)Sharizx9:but not really consider it, looking at the messages and how to apply them to our lives or even given love to learn it from.
(4:23:33 pm)Sharizx9:the bible is what good to you if you dont apply it? what good is any knowledge with out practice and application?
(4:23:45 pm)Sharizx9:thats what Paul taught me. Ephesians..
(4:24:21 pm)Sharizx9:im telling you i did not know any of this before i started reading that feakin book.. to me, it truly is the manual for humans..
(4:24:28 pm)Sharizx9:as a creation why would I ignore my own manual from my inventor? lol the book is really old man, AND STILL AROUND, it has to be right in some respect..
(4:25:10 pm)Sharizx9:I say get to know Jesus..
(4:25:16 pm)Sharizx9:then go backward..
(4:25:19 pm)Sharizx9:then forward..
(4:25:41 pm)Sharizx9:i started with Matthew.. and really be open to what you are reading.. put yourself there.. in that time etc
(4:25:51 pm)gwd:You are a way rad chick and I'm glad God lead me to you. You have given me much to chew on tonight. Plus I still have to listen to your music list.
(4:26:34 pm)Sharizx9:put on the gladiator clothes...walk with the lepers etc..chill with Noah watching everyone die and why in that Ark, be there about to kill your only Son and think of Gods personality and knowledge. you know?. go there, like in your mind.. and be open to the messages/the points Jesus makes before dying for you - you will find they are just as relevant today
(4:27:17 pm)Sharizx9:thats what happened to me man.. thats my story.. it will open up to you.. if you let it
(4:29:55 pm)gwd:This has been a really interesting experience. I'm just sitting here taking it all in. I would love to chat some more but for now I have a little bit of pondering to do.
(4:30:03 pm)Sharizx9:ok np
(4:30:22 pm)gwd:what is np
(4:31:58 pm)Sharizx9:Nice to meet you Den..dont give up on God, God obviously hasnt given up on you cause we talked. Thats what the Devil wants you to do. to second guess yourself, to feel angry, to feel bad about yourself, to blame others, to get lost in your addictions, to feel pressured etc..anything to keep you from the truth - anything to keep you from God.
(4:32:04 pm)Sharizx9:np = no problem :)
(4:34:16 pm)gwd:It was a real pleasure to meet you S. I'm sure this won't be the last time I talk to you. Take care and have a good night.
(4:34:41 pm)Sharizx9:instead of thinking you have 5 less years...think that you have 5 more years. 5 more years..look at it from the positive perspective shift..you too Den. Good night man.
(4:36:50 pm)gwd:I refuse to look at it either way cause they aren't taking me with out a fight.
(4:37:45 pm)gwd:Thanks for everything.
(4:38:29 pm)Sharizx9:np :)