Gods will..rolling mostly 6's and 1's.
What to do about Acctng?
Work with Kengo as a tutor for pay
What to do about job?
Volunteer
What to do about "friends"?
Make new onesjavascript:void(0)
Where to make new friends?
School
What to do about "men"?
Stop focusing on them
What to do about my major?
Psychology
Sunday, April 4, 2010
I feel a little bit this of way..
thinking of him.. my friend who's name I'm not allowed to say...neway, I miss him..
I feel so bad about all the mistakes I have already made with him and feel he might not be able to forget but still will feel for him regardless from afar til I see him and can express.
I want to crawl back inside my mother's womb
I want to shut out all the lights in this room
I want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink
Scrub away all these thoughts that i think
of you
So life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil
Feel like i watch from 6 feet under the soil
Still want to hold you and kiss behind your ears
Yet i recount the countless tears that i lost for you
But before you finally go there's one thing you should know: That I promise...
I feel so bad about all the mistakes I have already made with him and feel he might not be able to forget but still will feel for him regardless from afar til I see him and can express.
I want to crawl back inside my mother's womb
I want to shut out all the lights in this room
I want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink
Scrub away all these thoughts that i think
of you
So life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil
Feel like i watch from 6 feet under the soil
Still want to hold you and kiss behind your ears
Yet i recount the countless tears that i lost for you
But before you finally go there's one thing you should know: That I promise...
Saturday, April 3, 2010
By the Roll of The Dice
Wow.. ironic that this is from the same person I have been writing about. I have begun to list some of life options.. and
What to finally do about him? was one of them
1) be his friend and never again look at him as anything more-this is hurting you neway
2) do not talk to him for 1 month
3) trash talk him, beat him up and hate on him
4) rape him
5) do/say 1 kind thing for/to him every day for 1 month
6) send him the link to my personal blog where his email lies and then do not talk to him for a specified dice roll of time. this is taking a chance in more ways than one by letting him read it
Well, fuck, I rolled a 6..:(
What to finally do about him? was one of them
1) be his friend and never again look at him as anything more-this is hurting you neway
2) do not talk to him for 1 month
3) trash talk him, beat him up and hate on him
4) rape him
5) do/say 1 kind thing for/to him every day for 1 month
6) send him the link to my personal blog where his email lies and then do not talk to him for a specified dice roll of time. this is taking a chance in more ways than one by letting him read it
Well, fuck, I rolled a 6..:(
Friday, April 2, 2010
Kill My Expectations
You know how there was that nifty "kill your television" saying? I need to have a "kill your expectations" T-shirt that I wear until they are all gone. They are fuckin me up and have been for quite some time..
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
whos making music
I am losing myself. I am losing my creativity and need to get it back. I need to leave LA for a bit to once again find myself. I am thinking OR, WA or NM.
I do not know what I want to do for my 3rd career run, but I need to try to step out in a direction, regardless of whether its the "perfect" path or not.
I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. I give too much of myself and then I am really sad when I get nothing back. The best way to combat that is to lose expectations and keep in control of my emotions when I am feeling them the strongest. Next time when I like someone, I will purposely keep myself away from them instead of trying to draw them near. As long as I think they arent into me, I wont fuck it up for myself. I think I am going to try to practice that for the next year. I must not let the way I feel about someone cloud my judgement of who they are truly and what they are giving.
I am going to take 15 minutes tonight to play the guitar. FOR FUN. We will see just how fun it is for me and if I truly still enjoy it. I cannot let this creative part of me die! It is a part of me that I need to recognize though perhaps in not the same way I once did in NYC.
I do not know what I want to do for my 3rd career run, but I need to try to step out in a direction, regardless of whether its the "perfect" path or not.
I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. I give too much of myself and then I am really sad when I get nothing back. The best way to combat that is to lose expectations and keep in control of my emotions when I am feeling them the strongest. Next time when I like someone, I will purposely keep myself away from them instead of trying to draw them near. As long as I think they arent into me, I wont fuck it up for myself. I think I am going to try to practice that for the next year. I must not let the way I feel about someone cloud my judgement of who they are truly and what they are giving.
I am going to take 15 minutes tonight to play the guitar. FOR FUN. We will see just how fun it is for me and if I truly still enjoy it. I cannot let this creative part of me die! It is a part of me that I need to recognize though perhaps in not the same way I once did in NYC.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Row Row My Boat
03/28/10
From the world of so and so! Hmm oh rly. By the way, thanks for reading this. I know this shit is hella long book-like but.. feelings.."assumptions", perceptions and ideas... take a while to come about and express...also you won't get this email because I realized you don't deserve an actual email from me this long and thought out, since I feel such little effort expended to actually get to know me or be a friend. I do however want to keep this to review, as I am now going to guard my heart against guys for the future. You took my focus off God for a bit there.. but it's back where it belongs. Thanks!
When we met I told you that I am a honest girl and aways try to put things out on the table so I am writing to say that I am really saddened by the way things have gone down with us since we started talking. What I knew of you, I really liked. I really liked your style & music taste, DJing with you, the way you talked with me, your friendly disposition, and felt we had great things in common with one another. I could imagine us being able to do a lot of fun things together and wanted to begin sharing myself with you and vice versa, and I don't feel that way often so its lame when shit doesn't pan out. LOL.
I was really hoping you could have been honest with me about not being into me when I had first asked you, and the second time I asked, however, I feel it is obvious now that you are not. I am not sure why you stated to be, but that's your bag. Or maybe that is an another assumption (of the many you say I make) on my part? You tell me. Though I did not know you very well, I want to say I really felt something really strong for you (not even sure entirely why-it was a instinct thing), I thought about you very often, had intense sexual chemistry for you and was really hoping that there was a mutual desire for intimacy. Now I almost wish I didn't, believe me - - This guy, This guy, I tried not to feel anything for you or think about you that way.
But here we are at today, I am grasping now that you are too "busy", which translates to me as you were not really that into me, and most obviously, also totally OK with not speaking to me in any kind of regular communication one uses to get to know someone. Almost everything was via text, which is not truly proper communication IMO and has only served to confuse things. People do not have business meetings on text for that reason, and to try to have a relationship or build one with a stranger, lol, is ludicrous. Then when things were truly getting fucked today on text, you still chose NOT to talk to me instead of talking to me to communicate and wanting to mutually clarify things. You were busy cooking and making plans for your weekend. You said you felt judged by me, yet, you did not voice to me at the time of feeling that way. That is a red flag for me, of you possibly not able to express feelings when in a conflict. Cuz hey, I suck at reading minds, and feelings. =(
You had mentioned being in a go with the flow part of your life, and taking it easy which I really appreciated cuz I too wanted to take my time, to be easy breezy, but the flow didn't seem to go in this direction. With the exception of the 3 times in the month of March when I saw you and we hung out. 3 days in 4 weeks and you said you weren't interested in getting to know or take the time to spread yourself around and dating anyone else..? You also said you were not looking for a relationship with anyone or to rush into anything. The most important thing to me/for me or whatever, is that mainly, you just were not looking for a relationship with me. You are and we all are looking for relationship. It's human.
I always say if a guy will let you down on little things, he will def let you down on big things you care about, so its fortunate for us I am expressing out on all this and letting the idea go completely. This hurts me. But the way I see it, if I have been as distressed as I have been (and I have been) and I barely knew you yet, we weren't in a relationship at all and my feelings are so minimal for you, I can't even imagine or want to imagine how I would feel had I felt even more for you - given more to you over time and some shit went down. Because I feel you were as closed off as you were, I don't think it was a healthy dynamic for me and its one door I am too used to even try to open again. The emotionally distant guy (who was hurt before) which I barely see or hear from when I would like to, but yet pine for silently. The one who basically would be happy to fuck me but not actually be responsible for my feelings of rejection or really give anything by way of emotional needs. Yeah, I am over it. No thanks. LOL.
I expressed what I needed from you. I even clued you in on what happens in my brain (I didn't even know this before I met you so thats another great epiphany! thanks) ..1st day fine, 2nd day fine..but sometime during the 2nd evening and 3rd day my mind changes and like resets. The person is now gone from my mind and previous info from them is invalidated. By the 3rd day if I hear - from them, I am in defense/confusion mode, like "why on earth are they contacting me? are they playing games with me?" If I don't hear from them after that, I assume they do not like me and they are angrily then forgotten and discarded. If you had tried to ask me about my parents, you would have learned that I think this stems from being abandoned as a child.
Anyway, our communication is/was just a little too lax for me. Whereas to you we were "talking every day or just about". Ha. I had often wondered while waiting to hear from you, if it was just the beginning stages of how you are when you are meeting someone or if this would be how much I would ever hear from you in general? When it seemed as though this is would last, if we became closer and well, you answered my question on that one today. Last time we spoke was your Tues "girls night" which you refused to see me for a 30 minute bite to eat in your home town. What guy has a "girls night" anyway? So yeah, every 2 -3 days to hear from someone is just too long for my liking or comfort level. I feel its also too long for any real intimacy to happen or anything to grow on my part. I am used to something else, I guess...and a girl like me should never be staring at her phone -- for even a second. I am too busy and special for that.
I understand the whole guy thing and not wanting someone to think you are desperate or too available..but..it was too much. The picture I got was that you are basically not available, well, you are -- to your girls nights and your friends, and your own goals and your plans and your adorably cute lil doggie, you, you, you, but just not to me.
It isn't rocket science. The actions didn't match the words. Maybe while I was over here really into you, you are truly hoping to be with someone else, you know? LOL One person wants to give us their world and we are looking off in the distance wanting to give our world to someone else and that person is looking off and so on, and so on... Ha. When I have finally gotten over you a lot of guys I know will be very happy to stop hearing about you and someday you and I can commiserate on how the person you like doesn't doesn't like you back in the same way. It's a fucked cycle. I choose to opt out. =P
Anyway, I don't know trick, for me when I want to get to know someone I make time to see them. I call them, ask them to do things as I did with you. I will try to include them in on even the most minor things just to hang with them, and I call them because I want to share stuff with them. It pretty much works that way for everyone. Now, granted I didn't expect you to be as impatient as me, or even act exactly like me, but I did expect something along those lines of attention to someone you say you like. My bad, guess I was just on booty call status..(but you got really no booty?..) LOL
It should be easy, not this hard to "get to know" someone and get their attention, and I think that is mutual choice too. If it weren't for the 6 other guys that are into me (that I didn't even give a passing chance or thought to while in you) sadly and foolishly on me, I probably wouldn't have recognized the signs of you not being into me so soon, and that you obviously didn't feel the same about me as I did about you. Like you said, you go out when you want to, prob call when you want to, and most likely you invite someone over or out when you want to.. with me, its obvious you just didn't want to, because you often didn't/don't.
If it weren't for the others fucking calling me, asking me out, texting me about their day and asking about mine, sending me pics asking if I remember them, trying to make time to see me, taking me out, and inviting me to do the most mundane things just to see me, then I could TOTALLY PRETEND that you really were just "busy" but STILL REALLY LIKED ME like you said you did and wait around for a weekly call, or wait 2 days for texts and possibly a hot twice a month visit. However, their clear signs of what someone who likes me should and probably would act like, even someone getting to know me as a platonic friend, showed me sadly and undeniably that you just didn't like me that way. And now after tonights strangest ever text convo and this really honest email, you probably never will -- as maybe you are offended by this.
I am so sad. You would prob tell me in your Hallmark way to "just smile" or "feel your (absent) hugs" or the best one "go listen to some music". That doesn't work for me, and is kind of empty -- does that work for you? If so, you poor inner child. Or rather does someone coming over to see you, or trying to cheer you up over the phone, or taking you out to do something you love, or listening to you vent about a bad day or even just holding you while you cry feel much better for lifting someone's down spirit? Yeah, so I am still sad despite your caring sweet nothings.
We have mutual friends. I am having a hard time at work, I feel weird about my fucking birthday, I am trying to be comfortable with a new person I am coming to grips with being and I am under stress at school to keep my A's. I get shit from my roomies about cleaning and it sucks. I do p90x and feel I am plateau-ing. I am thinking things would have gone much better and easier had you just been up front with me from the get, knowing full well what you want and who you like, etc. You still have that chance to state the shit once and for all and ask me to leave you the fuck alone or just say to me "I don't like you girl, and I am not into you as a girlfriend." =) btw. It will work wonders with me leaving you alone, and me moving on. I don't want to bother you just as much as you don't want to be bothered. LOL.
I am frustrated because I really liked you and feel jilted. You said you didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.. well psssh. Wtf, man?
NEWAYZ, I will just need some span of time to shift my focus and thoughts from you. They have been on you waaay too much =) No hard feelings though. We can be "friends", or whatever that means to you and I, when I have gotten over the fact that I was rejected and somewhat led on by someone I really liked that just didnt like me back in that way and wasn't honest about it with me. I am glad this happened the way it did. You were right about that.
I should have guessed someone who has to claim to be honest probably isn't that honest to begin with. By the way, thanks for reading this. I know you are very very very busy...and this is roughly begun from Mar 14th, go figure!
Also, thanks for inspiring the below.
3/10/10
thinking of you and your touch
bed dog hair filled, with roaches and tea in the bathroom
normally a gross turn OFF but
your Paris boudoir mesmerizing fingers and smile inside say ON
you give me goosebumps
you tickle my insides
you say you feel it too,
so then why don't you call me?
hot- this burning, aching in my loins
this breaking of your rules
i want our hands, mind, and body to join
i see something special in you
it says your music could fill my days
and roar would make my nights
maybe its just a speck in my eye
but yet you don't call me?
rockin to your beat
Do you feel the same?
Are you just playing games?
Am I one of many names, one of many flames?
just rockin to your beat
Do you feel the same?
Are you just playing games?
Am I one of many names, one of many flames?
rockin to your beat
From the world of so and so! Hmm oh rly. By the way, thanks for reading this. I know this shit is hella long book-like but.. feelings.."assumptions", perceptions and ideas... take a while to come about and express...also you won't get this email because I realized you don't deserve an actual email from me this long and thought out, since I feel such little effort expended to actually get to know me or be a friend. I do however want to keep this to review, as I am now going to guard my heart against guys for the future. You took my focus off God for a bit there.. but it's back where it belongs. Thanks!
When we met I told you that I am a honest girl and aways try to put things out on the table so I am writing to say that I am really saddened by the way things have gone down with us since we started talking. What I knew of you, I really liked. I really liked your style & music taste, DJing with you, the way you talked with me, your friendly disposition, and felt we had great things in common with one another. I could imagine us being able to do a lot of fun things together and wanted to begin sharing myself with you and vice versa, and I don't feel that way often so its lame when shit doesn't pan out. LOL.
I was really hoping you could have been honest with me about not being into me when I had first asked you, and the second time I asked, however, I feel it is obvious now that you are not. I am not sure why you stated to be, but that's your bag. Or maybe that is an another assumption (of the many you say I make) on my part? You tell me. Though I did not know you very well, I want to say I really felt something really strong for you (not even sure entirely why-it was a instinct thing), I thought about you very often, had intense sexual chemistry for you and was really hoping that there was a mutual desire for intimacy. Now I almost wish I didn't, believe me - - This guy, This guy, I tried not to feel anything for you or think about you that way.
But here we are at today, I am grasping now that you are too "busy", which translates to me as you were not really that into me, and most obviously, also totally OK with not speaking to me in any kind of regular communication one uses to get to know someone. Almost everything was via text, which is not truly proper communication IMO and has only served to confuse things. People do not have business meetings on text for that reason, and to try to have a relationship or build one with a stranger, lol, is ludicrous. Then when things were truly getting fucked today on text, you still chose NOT to talk to me instead of talking to me to communicate and wanting to mutually clarify things. You were busy cooking and making plans for your weekend. You said you felt judged by me, yet, you did not voice to me at the time of feeling that way. That is a red flag for me, of you possibly not able to express feelings when in a conflict. Cuz hey, I suck at reading minds, and feelings. =(
You had mentioned being in a go with the flow part of your life, and taking it easy which I really appreciated cuz I too wanted to take my time, to be easy breezy, but the flow didn't seem to go in this direction. With the exception of the 3 times in the month of March when I saw you and we hung out. 3 days in 4 weeks and you said you weren't interested in getting to know or take the time to spread yourself around and dating anyone else..? You also said you were not looking for a relationship with anyone or to rush into anything. The most important thing to me/for me or whatever, is that mainly, you just were not looking for a relationship with me. You are and we all are looking for relationship. It's human.
I always say if a guy will let you down on little things, he will def let you down on big things you care about, so its fortunate for us I am expressing out on all this and letting the idea go completely. This hurts me. But the way I see it, if I have been as distressed as I have been (and I have been) and I barely knew you yet, we weren't in a relationship at all and my feelings are so minimal for you, I can't even imagine or want to imagine how I would feel had I felt even more for you - given more to you over time and some shit went down. Because I feel you were as closed off as you were, I don't think it was a healthy dynamic for me and its one door I am too used to even try to open again. The emotionally distant guy (who was hurt before) which I barely see or hear from when I would like to, but yet pine for silently. The one who basically would be happy to fuck me but not actually be responsible for my feelings of rejection or really give anything by way of emotional needs. Yeah, I am over it. No thanks. LOL.
I expressed what I needed from you. I even clued you in on what happens in my brain (I didn't even know this before I met you so thats another great epiphany! thanks) ..1st day fine, 2nd day fine..but sometime during the 2nd evening and 3rd day my mind changes and like resets. The person is now gone from my mind and previous info from them is invalidated. By the 3rd day if I hear - from them, I am in defense/confusion mode, like "why on earth are they contacting me? are they playing games with me?" If I don't hear from them after that, I assume they do not like me and they are angrily then forgotten and discarded. If you had tried to ask me about my parents, you would have learned that I think this stems from being abandoned as a child.
Anyway, our communication is/was just a little too lax for me. Whereas to you we were "talking every day or just about". Ha. I had often wondered while waiting to hear from you, if it was just the beginning stages of how you are when you are meeting someone or if this would be how much I would ever hear from you in general? When it seemed as though this is would last, if we became closer and well, you answered my question on that one today. Last time we spoke was your Tues "girls night" which you refused to see me for a 30 minute bite to eat in your home town. What guy has a "girls night" anyway? So yeah, every 2 -3 days to hear from someone is just too long for my liking or comfort level. I feel its also too long for any real intimacy to happen or anything to grow on my part. I am used to something else, I guess...and a girl like me should never be staring at her phone -- for even a second. I am too busy and special for that.
I understand the whole guy thing and not wanting someone to think you are desperate or too available..but..it was too much. The picture I got was that you are basically not available, well, you are -- to your girls nights and your friends, and your own goals and your plans and your adorably cute lil doggie, you, you, you, but just not to me.
It isn't rocket science. The actions didn't match the words. Maybe while I was over here really into you, you are truly hoping to be with someone else, you know? LOL One person wants to give us their world and we are looking off in the distance wanting to give our world to someone else and that person is looking off and so on, and so on... Ha. When I have finally gotten over you a lot of guys I know will be very happy to stop hearing about you and someday you and I can commiserate on how the person you like doesn't doesn't like you back in the same way. It's a fucked cycle. I choose to opt out. =P
Anyway, I don't know trick, for me when I want to get to know someone I make time to see them. I call them, ask them to do things as I did with you. I will try to include them in on even the most minor things just to hang with them, and I call them because I want to share stuff with them. It pretty much works that way for everyone. Now, granted I didn't expect you to be as impatient as me, or even act exactly like me, but I did expect something along those lines of attention to someone you say you like. My bad, guess I was just on booty call status..(but you got really no booty?..) LOL
It should be easy, not this hard to "get to know" someone and get their attention, and I think that is mutual choice too. If it weren't for the 6 other guys that are into me (that I didn't even give a passing chance or thought to while in you) sadly and foolishly on me, I probably wouldn't have recognized the signs of you not being into me so soon, and that you obviously didn't feel the same about me as I did about you. Like you said, you go out when you want to, prob call when you want to, and most likely you invite someone over or out when you want to.. with me, its obvious you just didn't want to, because you often didn't/don't.
If it weren't for the others fucking calling me, asking me out, texting me about their day and asking about mine, sending me pics asking if I remember them, trying to make time to see me, taking me out, and inviting me to do the most mundane things just to see me, then I could TOTALLY PRETEND that you really were just "busy" but STILL REALLY LIKED ME like you said you did and wait around for a weekly call, or wait 2 days for texts and possibly a hot twice a month visit. However, their clear signs of what someone who likes me should and probably would act like, even someone getting to know me as a platonic friend, showed me sadly and undeniably that you just didn't like me that way. And now after tonights strangest ever text convo and this really honest email, you probably never will -- as maybe you are offended by this.
I am so sad. You would prob tell me in your Hallmark way to "just smile" or "feel your (absent) hugs" or the best one "go listen to some music". That doesn't work for me, and is kind of empty -- does that work for you? If so, you poor inner child. Or rather does someone coming over to see you, or trying to cheer you up over the phone, or taking you out to do something you love, or listening to you vent about a bad day or even just holding you while you cry feel much better for lifting someone's down spirit? Yeah, so I am still sad despite your caring sweet nothings.
We have mutual friends. I am having a hard time at work, I feel weird about my fucking birthday, I am trying to be comfortable with a new person I am coming to grips with being and I am under stress at school to keep my A's. I get shit from my roomies about cleaning and it sucks. I do p90x and feel I am plateau-ing. I am thinking things would have gone much better and easier had you just been up front with me from the get, knowing full well what you want and who you like, etc. You still have that chance to state the shit once and for all and ask me to leave you the fuck alone or just say to me "I don't like you girl, and I am not into you as a girlfriend." =) btw. It will work wonders with me leaving you alone, and me moving on. I don't want to bother you just as much as you don't want to be bothered. LOL.
I am frustrated because I really liked you and feel jilted. You said you didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.. well psssh. Wtf, man?
NEWAYZ, I will just need some span of time to shift my focus and thoughts from you. They have been on you waaay too much =) No hard feelings though. We can be "friends", or whatever that means to you and I, when I have gotten over the fact that I was rejected and somewhat led on by someone I really liked that just didnt like me back in that way and wasn't honest about it with me. I am glad this happened the way it did. You were right about that.
I should have guessed someone who has to claim to be honest probably isn't that honest to begin with. By the way, thanks for reading this. I know you are very very very busy...and this is roughly begun from Mar 14th, go figure!
Also, thanks for inspiring the below.
3/10/10
thinking of you and your touch
bed dog hair filled, with roaches and tea in the bathroom
normally a gross turn OFF but
your Paris boudoir mesmerizing fingers and smile inside say ON
you give me goosebumps
you tickle my insides
you say you feel it too,
so then why don't you call me?
hot- this burning, aching in my loins
this breaking of your rules
i want our hands, mind, and body to join
i see something special in you
it says your music could fill my days
and roar would make my nights
maybe its just a speck in my eye
but yet you don't call me?
rockin to your beat
Do you feel the same?
Are you just playing games?
Am I one of many names, one of many flames?
just rockin to your beat
Do you feel the same?
Are you just playing games?
Am I one of many names, one of many flames?
rockin to your beat
Monday, March 22, 2010
Just Lame
I am just lame and dont feel I want to play games with anyone. I dont want a guy who feels like he has to chase me. I dont want to fucking play games with anyone.
I called him and I freaking was with him on Sat night.. I dont know why I mess up so much with men. I think I just need to wait on God's man for me!! Grrrr..
I am impatient!! That is my whole problem. :D
I called him and I freaking was with him on Sat night.. I dont know why I mess up so much with men. I think I just need to wait on God's man for me!! Grrrr..
I am impatient!! That is my whole problem. :D
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Again with the games
With this guy, The games continue. Again. Pilar said stop freaking calling him. "Let him make contact! Every single time!" "The chase, etc" and Aaron said don't do anything sexual with him - get to know him in a non-sexual way. I say I just want things to be easier and more to the point damn it -- damn it!
He knows I like him. They said now he feels like he doesn't have to work at it. Well, truth is he does have to, cuz I don't know that he likes me, and if he doesn't, great, I'm fuckin outta here in the relationship looking sense.
The flags that Pilar saw from what he said means "he isn't into me" are that he said he wants to "go with the flow in his life right now" and that "he is not ready to be in a relationship right now". But of course, he is totally ready to stick his dick inside me, right?
With T, he was hot, but I dropped him (ie deleted his #). I just didn't feel anything coming from him after our date and then the night I got sick. Ted, same thing.
Said goodbye to C forever (without his knowing ofc) after I left my stuff at his place and we had that weird moment in the morning. I will miss our being able to go nuts together tho. Such an amazing painter.
N, is just never happening. He is just a really fuckin rich guy with so many nice cars and has many objects.. I think he just wants to add me to his list of things? He just doesn't come across as sensitive AT ALL. That is a quality I really want in a guy.
J is...I don't know, I don't really get him. I really like hanging out and talking with him though, and I look forward to seeing him today before "him", that is, if "he" "calls".
P is someone I am going to lean on who again has reached out. I can at least talk about God with him.
I will go out next week and meet more men, which will in turn help me focus less on the one I want that just doesn't want me. :D
He knows I like him. They said now he feels like he doesn't have to work at it. Well, truth is he does have to, cuz I don't know that he likes me, and if he doesn't, great, I'm fuckin outta here in the relationship looking sense.
The flags that Pilar saw from what he said means "he isn't into me" are that he said he wants to "go with the flow in his life right now" and that "he is not ready to be in a relationship right now". But of course, he is totally ready to stick his dick inside me, right?
With T, he was hot, but I dropped him (ie deleted his #). I just didn't feel anything coming from him after our date and then the night I got sick. Ted, same thing.
Said goodbye to C forever (without his knowing ofc) after I left my stuff at his place and we had that weird moment in the morning. I will miss our being able to go nuts together tho. Such an amazing painter.
N, is just never happening. He is just a really fuckin rich guy with so many nice cars and has many objects.. I think he just wants to add me to his list of things? He just doesn't come across as sensitive AT ALL. That is a quality I really want in a guy.
J is...I don't know, I don't really get him. I really like hanging out and talking with him though, and I look forward to seeing him today before "him", that is, if "he" "calls".
P is someone I am going to lean on who again has reached out. I can at least talk about God with him.
I will go out next week and meet more men, which will in turn help me focus less on the one I want that just doesn't want me. :D
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Dating Rules
Aaron - 3 day rule
Ryan - 3 second rule and IOI's
Is this what he is following? Are these his dating rules? Apparently, I am following them as well as I don't think he is interested so I am not going to contact him again. Obv he doesn't want to be bothered. I am cool with it.
I guess he couldnt just come right out and say it. That is ok though :) I don't need him to say it anymore..
In other news, nothing like going to see one boy with another boy in tow. Had a awesome last night...just awesome. They both got a long very well also. :D
Ryan - 3 second rule and IOI's
Is this what he is following? Are these his dating rules? Apparently, I am following them as well as I don't think he is interested so I am not going to contact him again. Obv he doesn't want to be bothered. I am cool with it.
I guess he couldnt just come right out and say it. That is ok though :) I don't need him to say it anymore..
In other news, nothing like going to see one boy with another boy in tow. Had a awesome last night...just awesome. They both got a long very well also. :D
Monday, March 8, 2010
Flowing Words are better than floating words...and lies
I am once again writing in here to stop myself from doing something foolish off of here. :D I am just spewing all the nonsense and craziness in here to keep me from letting it out .. out there..
what a strange love triangle i am in this week. I am not even in love. Jake. we don't buy no drinks at the bar we order champagne cuz we got mad dough..Neil is till calling me and I don't know what to tell him. I like him, but not the way he likes me. I think this is how "m" feels about me also which... SUCKS! Cuz I am into him. Why is it that people are attracted to people that aren't attracted to them?!!? That is so fucking lame. And you know whats worse? He is probably attracted to a girl that isnt THAT into HIM too.. can we say what a fucked cycle?!
Anyway, I cant stop thinking about him and I am acting like a idiot over someone who obv isn't as into me as I am them. LOL. Then I am in this triangle with Jake and Jen! Jake is into me but Jen is into HIM! :( Ugh, sucks to be me right now.. I just need to get over this situation and move the fuck on already...?!
With M, our IM convo led me to think he liked me too..(i freaking was an ass and put it all out on the table - "hi, here are my feelings, BREAK THEM pls") but idk, I think he is just playing with me even tho he says he doesn't want to play games and likes my honesty! LOL. He was like yeah I like you too.. i want to get to know you.. blah blah.. but then his ACTIONS are not really showing that. I fucking hate dating.. you never know where you stand with someone in the beginning.. but maybe if they don't contact you very often you don't really stand anywhere... huh?
If I go by how Neil acts and put his actions next to that...then yeah, he doesn't fucking like me. Neil calls me way more, wants to see me much more and expresses real interest, in me consistently. It is not that I don't want this attention, it's that I don't want it from him.. I don't trust Neil.. and he is sarcastic and I don't get the vibe that he will be soft or gentle.
what a strange love triangle i am in this week. I am not even in love. Jake. we don't buy no drinks at the bar we order champagne cuz we got mad dough..Neil is till calling me and I don't know what to tell him. I like him, but not the way he likes me. I think this is how "m" feels about me also which... SUCKS! Cuz I am into him. Why is it that people are attracted to people that aren't attracted to them?!!? That is so fucking lame. And you know whats worse? He is probably attracted to a girl that isnt THAT into HIM too.. can we say what a fucked cycle?!
Anyway, I cant stop thinking about him and I am acting like a idiot over someone who obv isn't as into me as I am them. LOL. Then I am in this triangle with Jake and Jen! Jake is into me but Jen is into HIM! :( Ugh, sucks to be me right now.. I just need to get over this situation and move the fuck on already...?!
With M, our IM convo led me to think he liked me too..(i freaking was an ass and put it all out on the table - "hi, here are my feelings, BREAK THEM pls") but idk, I think he is just playing with me even tho he says he doesn't want to play games and likes my honesty! LOL. He was like yeah I like you too.. i want to get to know you.. blah blah.. but then his ACTIONS are not really showing that. I fucking hate dating.. you never know where you stand with someone in the beginning.. but maybe if they don't contact you very often you don't really stand anywhere... huh?
If I go by how Neil acts and put his actions next to that...then yeah, he doesn't fucking like me. Neil calls me way more, wants to see me much more and expresses real interest, in me consistently. It is not that I don't want this attention, it's that I don't want it from him.. I don't trust Neil.. and he is sarcastic and I don't get the vibe that he will be soft or gentle.
Friday, March 5, 2010
The Gun Show
Got tickets? Tickets to the gun show?!
Anyway, just writing about my foolishness once again with this freaking guy Roe. Gee S get over it already! He was just being nice. He is "busy" and "busy" means "leave me the fuck alone please, I don't really like you enough to make more plans with you." because of him getting in contact with me again with a sweet text (or was it me, like an ass?), I was led on once more. I am just going to have to take the stance of not responding whenever he texts..that's what I should have done. If he wants me he can try to contact me more than once.
In the meantime...the cop, my boss's brother, a church goer, a guy at my job, and the college kid are asking me out. Why the fuck am I focusing on Roe, who isn't? Fuck him! He should be focused on calling me and staying in contact, if he isn't.. he isn't making ENOUGH of an effort to keep me around and I am an option for him, not a choice.
I want to be someone's choice. Zat is what I deZERVE. :D End of story.
Anyway, just writing about my foolishness once again with this freaking guy Roe. Gee S get over it already! He was just being nice. He is "busy" and "busy" means "leave me the fuck alone please, I don't really like you enough to make more plans with you." because of him getting in contact with me again with a sweet text (or was it me, like an ass?), I was led on once more. I am just going to have to take the stance of not responding whenever he texts..that's what I should have done. If he wants me he can try to contact me more than once.
In the meantime...the cop, my boss's brother, a church goer, a guy at my job, and the college kid are asking me out. Why the fuck am I focusing on Roe, who isn't? Fuck him! He should be focused on calling me and staying in contact, if he isn't.. he isn't making ENOUGH of an effort to keep me around and I am an option for him, not a choice.
I want to be someone's choice. Zat is what I deZERVE. :D End of story.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Ugh
Another guy.. another, not into me that I cant stop thinking about. Little crush, need to be patient, will be over soon. But really what is bothering me is when will i like the guys and the same ones like me back? Why am I only into the ones that wont be into me? I am great!
Anyway, last night after driving 26 miles to see him and him not asking me to hang out after $20 and 2 hours later, I said "screw it, i know what this is, he is just not that into me".
I got over Terence pretty easily til he freaking started calling again and finally just excommunicated him. I should do the same with this one. Just see him as a "friend" nothing more.
Damn that "He's just not that into you" book! Now I know exactly when the guy isn't into me and it bothers and it still hurts. I thought knowing was half the battle GI Joe! The tips are true and they are glaringly undeniable in that book. To recap he's just not that into you if...
1. He's just not that inot you if he's not asking you out.
If a man is excited about awoman, he can’t stop himself— he wants more. Ifhe’s friends with someoneand attracted to her, he’sgoing to want to take it further.
If he’s not making a move,it’s not because he is ‘scared’. The only thing he is scared of is how not attracted to you he is.
2. He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you.
He says he didn’t have a moment in his busy day to call. Rubbish! The real reason is that you are not on his mind. Also, If a man leads you to expect he will call and then doesn’t follow through on such a little thing, he will never follow through on big things. Be aware he is okay with the idea he is disappointing you.
4.He’s just not that into you if he’s not dating you.
A guy who is really into you is going to want you all to himself. He is going to ask you on a date. He is going to want to be alone with you to see if you have a romantic future together.
5. He's just not that into you if he's not having sex with you.
Cheating doesn't just 'happen'. It's planned and executed with the full knowledge that it could end your relationship. If he's sleeping with someone else without your knowledge or encouragement, he is not only behaving like a man who isn't into you, he is behaving like a man who doesn't even like you all that much.
6. He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk.
Having a drink may help you relax on a first date, but don’t confuse an ice breaker with real intimacy. If he only wants to see you, talk to you and have sex with you when he’s drunk, it ain’t love — it’s sport.
7.He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to marry you-- eventually --on your time frame.
Every man you have dated who says he doesn’t want to get married or doesn’t believe in marriage, or has ‘issues’ with marriage, will, rest assured, someday be married. It just will never be to you.
8.He’s just not that into you if he’s breaking up with you.
What could be better than hearing from the man who broke up with you that he misses you madly? It’svalidating. It’s exciting. It’s irresistible. Yet resistit. Unless he’s ready to get back for good he’s simplyfinding it hard being alone.
9.He’s just not that into you if he’s disappeared on you.
When a man disappears there’s no mixed message. He’s made it clear that he’s so not into you, that he couldn’t even bother to leave you a Post-it. Don’t make contact — he’s not in hospital with amnesia! — it will only give him a chance to reject you all over again.
10.He’s just not that into you if he’s married (and other insane variations for being unavailable).
No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them, these feelings mean nothing.
There you have it, the first two are applicable with my current situation. So .. the easy truth is "hes just not THAT into me." Time to move on.
Anyway, last night after driving 26 miles to see him and him not asking me to hang out after $20 and 2 hours later, I said "screw it, i know what this is, he is just not that into me".
I got over Terence pretty easily til he freaking started calling again and finally just excommunicated him. I should do the same with this one. Just see him as a "friend" nothing more.
Damn that "He's just not that into you" book! Now I know exactly when the guy isn't into me and it bothers and it still hurts. I thought knowing was half the battle GI Joe! The tips are true and they are glaringly undeniable in that book. To recap he's just not that into you if...
1. He's just not that inot you if he's not asking you out.
If a man is excited about awoman, he can’t stop himself— he wants more. Ifhe’s friends with someoneand attracted to her, he’sgoing to want to take it further.
If he’s not making a move,it’s not because he is ‘scared’. The only thing he is scared of is how not attracted to you he is.
2. He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you.
He says he didn’t have a moment in his busy day to call. Rubbish! The real reason is that you are not on his mind. Also, If a man leads you to expect he will call and then doesn’t follow through on such a little thing, he will never follow through on big things. Be aware he is okay with the idea he is disappointing you.
4.He’s just not that into you if he’s not dating you.
A guy who is really into you is going to want you all to himself. He is going to ask you on a date. He is going to want to be alone with you to see if you have a romantic future together.
5. He's just not that into you if he's not having sex with you.
Cheating doesn't just 'happen'. It's planned and executed with the full knowledge that it could end your relationship. If he's sleeping with someone else without your knowledge or encouragement, he is not only behaving like a man who isn't into you, he is behaving like a man who doesn't even like you all that much.
6. He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk.
Having a drink may help you relax on a first date, but don’t confuse an ice breaker with real intimacy. If he only wants to see you, talk to you and have sex with you when he’s drunk, it ain’t love — it’s sport.
7.He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to marry you-- eventually --on your time frame.
Every man you have dated who says he doesn’t want to get married or doesn’t believe in marriage, or has ‘issues’ with marriage, will, rest assured, someday be married. It just will never be to you.
8.He’s just not that into you if he’s breaking up with you.
What could be better than hearing from the man who broke up with you that he misses you madly? It’svalidating. It’s exciting. It’s irresistible. Yet resistit. Unless he’s ready to get back for good he’s simplyfinding it hard being alone.
9.He’s just not that into you if he’s disappeared on you.
When a man disappears there’s no mixed message. He’s made it clear that he’s so not into you, that he couldn’t even bother to leave you a Post-it. Don’t make contact — he’s not in hospital with amnesia! — it will only give him a chance to reject you all over again.
10.He’s just not that into you if he’s married (and other insane variations for being unavailable).
No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them, these feelings mean nothing.
There you have it, the first two are applicable with my current situation. So .. the easy truth is "hes just not THAT into me." Time to move on.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
How could it be
that I could have such a good time with someone, they be "into" me based on everyone else's standards and yet not hear from them again?
I am looking at their picture and thinking how much I want to see them again...
ugh. why cant I just let go and settle with the fact this person may have temporarily liked me but .. decided they werent THAT into me and probably has a stable of other girls they "like" too? When will I get over this disappointment?!
<--ohmyjiminyterencekirk's!bedamned!-->
I am looking at their picture and thinking how much I want to see them again...
ugh. why cant I just let go and settle with the fact this person may have temporarily liked me but .. decided they werent THAT into me and probably has a stable of other girls they "like" too? When will I get over this disappointment?!
<--ohmyjiminyterencekirk's!bedamned!-->
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
HELP!?
At the behest of friends on Facebook I started this Paypal donation thing. The idea was/is that they were "willing to bet I have 50 friends willing to help you out with $10" if I "set up a paypal donation fund or something." So with the help of a friend, I did. :D
I am appreciative and very lucky! The amount goal I must reach by Dec. 11 2009 is $500. December 11th is my last day to make the full payment.
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING TO MAKE THIS MONEY RIGHT?! I am not resting on my laurels however, as that would not be like me at all.
On the contrary, I am taking whatever work I can AND I am also working part time doing demonstrations in CA for anyone who will see me. I get paid based on the demonstration to target groups(over 30, married/coupled & a homeowner)-if someone cannot donate even just having more people to see in CA would be of great financial assistance to me. If you know anyone at all that fits that description, I would need to make 30 appointments (30 people who know 1 person each) by the Dec. 11th deadline to cover that amount. Also, you may message me on facebook and I will gladly give my address for money wire or a money order/check to be mailed!
Another way you can help is prayer. Whether you believe in God or not. Please pray for me to be strong in my faith, for me to be able to raise this money by any means necessary to continue my schooling and to be able to pay in advance by the deadline as well and overall for God's will always to be done over mine.
Here is a donation button to use. If you use a credit card as Paypal takes 40% of the payment for themselves. eg. a $20 donation yields 19.09.
THANK YOU FOR CHANGING MY LIFE!
YOU MAY COPY AND PASTE IN YOUR BROWSER THE LINK BELOW.
I am appreciative and very lucky! The amount goal I must reach by Dec. 11 2009 is $500. December 11th is my last day to make the full payment.
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING TO MAKE THIS MONEY RIGHT?! I am not resting on my laurels however, as that would not be like me at all.
On the contrary, I am taking whatever work I can AND I am also working part time doing demonstrations in CA for anyone who will see me. I get paid based on the demonstration to target groups(over 30, married/coupled & a homeowner)-if someone cannot donate even just having more people to see in CA would be of great financial assistance to me. If you know anyone at all that fits that description, I would need to make 30 appointments (30 people who know 1 person each) by the Dec. 11th deadline to cover that amount. Also, you may message me on facebook and I will gladly give my address for money wire or a money order/check to be mailed!
Another way you can help is prayer. Whether you believe in God or not. Please pray for me to be strong in my faith, for me to be able to raise this money by any means necessary to continue my schooling and to be able to pay in advance by the deadline as well and overall for God's will always to be done over mine.
Here is a donation button to use. If you use a credit card as Paypal takes 40% of the payment for themselves. eg. a $20 donation yields 19.09.
THANK YOU FOR CHANGING MY LIFE!
YOU MAY COPY AND PASTE IN YOUR BROWSER THE LINK BELOW.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Bloggie! Missed you
I am so sorry I haven't written in you in quite a while! Much has been happening in the life of me. I'll talk about the last 6 months in bullets in order of importance. :D
GOD
I have actually gotten closer to God since my baptism. I was experiencing a bad pushing away after what happened with Daniel (I had sex with Dan) but then I came back instead when I realized that my guilt was keeping me from my own forgiveness and giving the enemy root to get me away from God permanently.
God has been so good to me! I truly am the luckiest girl ever I swear. Every day I am giving thanks and praying with Him and talking to Him. I just want to be with Him already!!
Praise report - My ex Chris and I almost got back together (yes, THAT ex, for like 2 weeks) but since I had promised God I would get married first, this time around I had refused (and stayed strong through prayer) to have sex with him. So he eventually petered himself out as I knew he would from the beginning but was giving him the benefit of the doubt. He has such a lack of self control (with sex, drugs, binge eating and more) which I no longer find appealing and I did not jump all the way in because I knew if we were to ever get married his lack of self control would have him cheating or worse things. He knew it too and so he also wanted to break it off. I pretended for his sake to be sad, just as he pretended for my sake that he was going to be sad, but right before he had walked into my room as we were eating Taco Bell, I had already just prayed to God to take him away if he wasn't gonna be the one, and right after my prayer he broke it off! :) I knew then it was never meant to be with him. He just uses me. He was nice enough to buy me a really badly needed gift of sneakers though before we never saw each other again. Which I am grateful for.
SCHOOL
As you know I last broke it off with Dan after he yelled at me, and we went our separate ways online and off. I then started college shortly after and just threw myself into my grades and studying focusing on nothing else and getting over the breakup.
Now I am a very happy 4.0 GPA student and in my second semester finishing up- sans 15 lbs. I am doing amazingly well and each of my professors have been awesome. I am called a "great student" by all 7. I love going to school and it shows in my study habits and participation in classes as well as my use of what I learn. So far I have attacked the IGETC (for 4 year transfer) with a vengeance, though I am not sure if I am going in a business major direction or science yet.
I feel really good about my schooling and gaining the knowledge I am getting from this experience. My last 6 months have been a whirlwind of knowledge and studies.
MONEY
I am still not working full time. I am starting somewhat part time with a company called Cutco doing demonstrations. Learning things for my future in business and hopefully eventually make enough somewhere to start my homeless shelter/school place which would technically be a business as well. They like me there but I really need to gain the experience I need to have a business. I am volunteering for the holidays with the homeless and women's shelters to gain more insight and lose the various remnants of selfishness I possess..
IDEALS
I see my future for 2010 and though I may be broke, it looks amazing. I am single by choice, have lots of hope and love for myself and desire to grow my relationship with God in the future. I seem to have formed real great relationships with others and genuinely love myself AND other people. I feel that as long as I am keeping my eyes and focus where they belong, nothing really deters me from the path.
RELATIONSHIPS/LOVE
I recently talked to many of my exes, not just Chris. I came to the realization that although there were many bad times, more with Brandon and Chris than the others, I all were because they were just really bad matches.
My ex Chad and I have been talking a bit (he is coming to CA in a couple months) and I remember him being a Christian and me not believing in God at the time, however, he has reminded me of our time together and remembering how I felt about him and the dynamic we had of being free and in love and completely focused. see about our beginning relationship here then click next
I realized that though it probably will never be with Chad again, by giving me that relationship and me meeting him and experiencing that at the wrong time, by the grace of God I will someday find someone similar at the right time, who will have all those things Chad and I had AND MORE! What a happy joyful woman I will be!!
Chad's qualities and strong faith in God in a man who is Christ centered and talented and artistic and nature loving!?! A man I can sing with and worship with, write music with and knows bible teachings as well as have my own space, opinions and a life apart from. A man who has self respect and respect for women and practices honesty, self control and has wisdom in most things. What a blessing he will be!? Praise the Lord for showing me through Chad that it is possible in my future as well as it was in my past.
GOD
I have actually gotten closer to God since my baptism. I was experiencing a bad pushing away after what happened with Daniel (I had sex with Dan) but then I came back instead when I realized that my guilt was keeping me from my own forgiveness and giving the enemy root to get me away from God permanently.
God has been so good to me! I truly am the luckiest girl ever I swear. Every day I am giving thanks and praying with Him and talking to Him. I just want to be with Him already!!
Praise report - My ex Chris and I almost got back together (yes, THAT ex, for like 2 weeks) but since I had promised God I would get married first, this time around I had refused (and stayed strong through prayer) to have sex with him. So he eventually petered himself out as I knew he would from the beginning but was giving him the benefit of the doubt. He has such a lack of self control (with sex, drugs, binge eating and more) which I no longer find appealing and I did not jump all the way in because I knew if we were to ever get married his lack of self control would have him cheating or worse things. He knew it too and so he also wanted to break it off. I pretended for his sake to be sad, just as he pretended for my sake that he was going to be sad, but right before he had walked into my room as we were eating Taco Bell, I had already just prayed to God to take him away if he wasn't gonna be the one, and right after my prayer he broke it off! :) I knew then it was never meant to be with him. He just uses me. He was nice enough to buy me a really badly needed gift of sneakers though before we never saw each other again. Which I am grateful for.
SCHOOL
As you know I last broke it off with Dan after he yelled at me, and we went our separate ways online and off. I then started college shortly after and just threw myself into my grades and studying focusing on nothing else and getting over the breakup.
Now I am a very happy 4.0 GPA student and in my second semester finishing up- sans 15 lbs. I am doing amazingly well and each of my professors have been awesome. I am called a "great student" by all 7. I love going to school and it shows in my study habits and participation in classes as well as my use of what I learn. So far I have attacked the IGETC (for 4 year transfer) with a vengeance, though I am not sure if I am going in a business major direction or science yet.
I feel really good about my schooling and gaining the knowledge I am getting from this experience. My last 6 months have been a whirlwind of knowledge and studies.
MONEY
I am still not working full time. I am starting somewhat part time with a company called Cutco doing demonstrations. Learning things for my future in business and hopefully eventually make enough somewhere to start my homeless shelter/school place which would technically be a business as well. They like me there but I really need to gain the experience I need to have a business. I am volunteering for the holidays with the homeless and women's shelters to gain more insight and lose the various remnants of selfishness I possess..
IDEALS
I see my future for 2010 and though I may be broke, it looks amazing. I am single by choice, have lots of hope and love for myself and desire to grow my relationship with God in the future. I seem to have formed real great relationships with others and genuinely love myself AND other people. I feel that as long as I am keeping my eyes and focus where they belong, nothing really deters me from the path.
RELATIONSHIPS/LOVE
I recently talked to many of my exes, not just Chris. I came to the realization that although there were many bad times, more with Brandon and Chris than the others, I all were because they were just really bad matches.
My ex Chad and I have been talking a bit (he is coming to CA in a couple months) and I remember him being a Christian and me not believing in God at the time, however, he has reminded me of our time together and remembering how I felt about him and the dynamic we had of being free and in love and completely focused. see about our beginning relationship here then click next
I realized that though it probably will never be with Chad again, by giving me that relationship and me meeting him and experiencing that at the wrong time, by the grace of God I will someday find someone similar at the right time, who will have all those things Chad and I had AND MORE! What a happy joyful woman I will be!!
Chad's qualities and strong faith in God in a man who is Christ centered and talented and artistic and nature loving!?! A man I can sing with and worship with, write music with and knows bible teachings as well as have my own space, opinions and a life apart from. A man who has self respect and respect for women and practices honesty, self control and has wisdom in most things. What a blessing he will be!? Praise the Lord for showing me through Chad that it is possible in my future as well as it was in my past.
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