Day 9? Smile!!

And smile I will. :) There is it is! Another smile today. Soon more will come. I focus on who I am, all greatness and flaws and all. The only thing that truly matters is what I think. Though I have regressed a bit while playing this game, will I continue to allow myself to believe things about myself based on another person's choices of me or not? Nah. :)

Who am I anyway?
I am God's child and his little chocolate cake. I am His "tender warrior." I am someone who is driven by achievement and results. I am special and unique. I am a great and talented individual with style and a passion for the causes of people suffering.

I am...strong, kind, honest, funny, friendly, sweet/thoughtful, considerate, , determined, logical, analytical, an advocate of women's' empowerment, attractive, a great kisser, authentic, a dancer, a singer, a creator, a writer, a poet, a rapper, a hard worker, organized, charismatic, a muse, a weightlifter, a gamer, an overachiever, a conqueror, a perfectionist, needy w/ affection and attention, a smiler, an anime lover, a caring friend, someone who keeps in touch, someone who cares for the downtrodden, I am someone who needs no one to survive, someone fighting an "incurable" illness, a sister, a beloved aunt and much much more...

I am not…patient, lazy, tempered, a gambler, tolerant of arrogance or liars/BS, tolerant of being touched by people I don't know, perfect, someone who accepts undesirable things "as they are," always happy or content, someone who tries to manipulate others, a schemer, someone who can function in messy spaces, a user, always confrontational when I need to be, someone who is motivated by put-downs or jokes about me, someone who cares about money or status, good at repetitive things and still staying interested in it, a lover of accounting, someone who reads celebrity rags, someone who watches TV, sits in bars drinking, gentle, hangs out shopping with my girlfriends, dancing, acting, writing, or doing music atm :( , a sports lover, making my own ends, a church mouse

How am I?
I am generally friendly, optimistic and I care about other people. People I know and even people I dont know.  I treat children as if they are small adults. I can sometimes when faced with what looks like an insurmountable obstacle become afraid and  feel as if I want to run away. I sometimes do run away from the obstacle and then I return to fight it another "stronger" day. I always try to validate adults AND children.

How am I in the world?
I give to everyone. I am authentic with everyone. I work hard for what I want. I make bank (well, I maaddde bank) I am a student, constantly learning constantly searching for truth. I am sometimes dramatic and like to say shocking things just to say them. I also like to say dramatic things that make people laugh. I am generally impatient. I smile a lot and I am kind to others. I am self aware. I often have a word of encouragement for almost everyone. I am generally a straight forward person with others about my feelings, thoughts, and demands.

How do others see me?
I am memorable and unique. Loved ones say my life is driven by God, music, love, and connection.. idk in what order. Others say they see me as beautiful, extremely intelligent, strong, funny, sexy, passionate, artistic and talented, genuine, outspoken, hard working, sweet and atm probably some are seeing me as isolated and have disappeared. lol.

How do others speak about me?
I don't know what other say now, but idk...people have always just met me and say I am "amazing". :) Ig this is due to the above?

What brings me most passion, fulfillment and joy?
The thing that brings me the most passion and joy is speaking to girls, kids and women about all I have learned on abuse and seeing light bulbs of awareness go off in their heads, seeing disorganized things become organized, sharing the Word of God with others, writing a great song, talking to God and Him speaking back to me in his Word!, :D having the best sex, giving an amazing show/performance and subsequent appreciation from fans, the feeling of being in my sweethearts lap and being stroked by someone I know loves me for who I am (not with words, but actions), lying naked, talking for hours about anything or nothing with anyone, traveling around the country/world...and prob more!

Where do I struggle most?
 I really struggle right now with my illness. It has changed so many things in my life that its hard to even think the same sometimes. I don't know who i am becoming, but I know that God is working on me. I used to struggle with addiction to alcohol, cigarettes, sugar, drugs, etc.. but I have conquered all.  I used to struggle with dating. If I was dating recent exp has shown I might still have struggles, but at least I would not pick the wrong type of guy to stay with anymore since I have not lost my awareness.

Where do I need to improve?
I need to improve on my boundaries. I need to improve in the area of "taming my tongue" as it says in the Word. I need to improve on how I deal with my illness. I need to improve on taking a step back when I feel like rushing forward valiantly in battle. :D

What fears often hold me back?
The fears that hold me back sometimes are the core beliefs built in my childhood that will likely take me forever to kill completely. One is the fear of failure, my inner critic (dad) is always in my ear telling me I suck at x,y,z. The other is the fear of being abandoned. The fear that people I care about will leave me.  :'(

What habitual emotions hurt me?
The feeling that ultimately hurts me and I see randomly crop up in rejections is again from childhood and its the feeling of not being good enough, feeling unworthy, feeling second best, and the feeling of depression and behaviors over this that can ensue.

What mistakes do I tend to make?
I tend to make mistakes when I rush through something not thinking and behaving or speak impulsively. I don't really know how to give things teh "breathing room"all the time.

Where do I tend to consistently falter?
I think running away and the habit to run is a falter atm. I think that this is a defense mechanism that I needed and still feel I sometimes need so I do it almost instinctively. It takes awareness to pull myself back.

Where do I regularly let myself down?
I dont always like my choices so I let myself down in them.  I also let myself down when I am in a state of sadness or depression and just have like a feeling of giving up. I then begin the act of throwing in the towel and I go thru the temporary motions of giving up - but what I have noticed over time is.. that  I never actually give up. I restructure, plan and go back and try again. :)

What the hell is ex no contact 30 days?!

Some of you ladies might be wondering what the hell I'm talking about when I said begin no contact for 30 days and started counting of random days...so I thought maybe I should clarify what it is and why I'm specifically doing it and I do it.

I also want to note there is a specific very sad subset of women who are some how considering using this 30 day no contact rule for some other purposes that are unnatural and foolish, to actually try to get their man to come "back."  Because although it IS true that a man who loves you or is really into you wont want to go 30 days with no contact, if you aren't hearing from him then the man you are "trying to get back" is already gone and there is NOTHING non-degrading you can or will do to change that. That shit doesn't work and never will!

So then what is it? Thirty days no contact, for me, kinda originated from a book I read in 2008 on how to get over a breakup I was having at the time. It's going to be 60 total days, but you have to start somewhere almost always by the end of my 30 days, going 30 more is easier. You know the one where you have been together for 2,3 or 5 years and so you still want to disillusion yourself and keep "trying"?!  Oh you don't know those break ups? Lucky you! :)

Anyway, this works for breakups, but I have found when done successfully-this self-imposed silly "rule" also works for really anyone that isn't interested in you the same way you might be into them as well as any kind of addiction (as infatuation can be) or temporary obsessive thoughts some women can have when dating and wondering ever wondering with all these questions about the guy.

This is the "rule" in a nutshell: 
1) Recommend avoiding any form of contact with your person, even for seemingly harmless things like asking for a sweater back, for 60 days. You'll need a good, patient friend as well as your trusty notebook (that's you bloggie) "to let all the crazy out on" and to help enforce/get you through this; text your friend or another instead whenever you have the really strong urges to get in touch with your person.

IT KINDA LOOKS LIKE THIS
2) Remove all ties and technological ties with your person/ex. This means un-friending, unfollowing, and deleting his/her number, pictures, texts etc. “Research has been pretty clear that sadness following the end of a relationship is much more heightened and longer in duration if you stay involved.

3) During that time you spend time reflecting on your feelings, and get to why you broke off in the first place. Don't sit there and focus on all the good parts of them until later. “Sometimes when people break up, they can romanticize the relationship, remembering all the good times, but conveniently forgetting about what didn’t work. "Pain has a short memory."

Writing two (detailed!) lists: one for all the things you look for in a relationship, and the other for all the ways that your person (didn’t/wouldn't, in the case of dating) meet these ideals. “If he [or she] didn’t bring many qualities that you wrote about in your first list, well, then you have a tangible reminder now that this person isn’t the right match, and it’s time to move on." (esp in the case of dating ladies the guy you AREN'T hearing from anymore usually has already made that list knowingly or not, its comparisons, and he HAS moved on)

It's Called a Breakup cuz it's Broken
https://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968

Another helpful book with real life honest signs helps too. (ftr, we were not going out with each other, but once R stopped talking/texting and suddenly became "busy".. I read the signs and knew no desire for dating me would be happening in his "game" play.)

He's Just Not That Into You
https://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/141690977X

Some REAL TALK quotes girls.
“..he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you. Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life BEFORE he forgets about you?"

“Don’t be flattered that he says he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you/isnt texting you/doesn't talk to you etc. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.” 

“too busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating. The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.”

“But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your texts/phone/Skype, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re checking for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no text/game/phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored" 

“If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.”

“If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make sure you don’t get frustrated and go away.”

Day 3 Feels

                                      

Issues about Dad ok ok and how about funny ass Dads?!

Dads can be funny :)

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.buzzfeed.com/amphtml/mikespohr/29-dad-jokes-that-are-so-bad-their-actually-good

Signs he "moved on" ... and so should you ...

Sign He is Losing Interest
 Men do lose interest. It's a fact. Men can get bored and when they do, they start wondering if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. There are signs that a man is losing interest and if you are seeing these signs, take action and start to move away from him, preferably now, before he decides to mow the lawn of another and you get hurt in the process. He likely already is. ;)
1. His calls and texts are less frequent. If you notice a change in his calling or texting pattern, your boy is losing interests. A man wants to stay in touch with the woman he cares about and his patterns will not change. If you feel his calls are out of obligation this is another clue.
2. He starts making plans without you. Maybe a weekend trip with his buddies. If he usually wants to spend most of the weekend with you and now there are other things he wants to fit in, he is working you out of the priority seat slowly but surely this is one of the signs he has lost some interest and is expanding and moving into the differentiating phase of the relationship stages.
3. If when you address any issues or your feelings of him disappearing, he gets defensive or reacts negatively. If a man is thinking of leaving, he will not be comfortable more times than not by offering you reassurance. He will feel guilt which causes one to get defensive. If he defends his change of actions, your boyfriend is losing interest.
4. He says he needs some space. Watch out if you hear this one. The end is near more times than not. If a man says he needs space, he is feeling smothered. Smothered men do not thrive in a relationship ever. The harder you hold on to a man who says he needs space, the further you will push him away.
5. If your boy starts to become "distracted" with work or some other project, he may be losing interest and this is only an excuse to postpone the inevitable. Men that suddenly become preoccupied with something else often use this as a way to prolong the break up. 

This is how he is supposed to be acting with you.

1He calls/texts for no particular reason other than to share stories about his day and ask about yours.

 2 He makes plans to see you again. It is not enough for him to allude vaguely to the future, about something you might maybe do sometime together. If a guy wants you in his life, he will make specific plans to see you again. 

3 He pays attention when you talk. His eyes are focused on you. He doesn't look around the room. He doesn't lose interest. You have the feeling as though he is hanging on your every word. 

4 He introduces you to his friends. It's plain and simple: if a guy is excited about you, he will be excited to show you off to his friends. 

5 He wants to meet your friends. And when he does, it is obvious that he wants to make a good impression. 

6 He touches you in ways that have nothing to do with sex. He holds your hand, he kisses your forehead, he plays with your hair, he pulls you close. 7 He changes his Facebook status from "Single" to "In a relationship" without you having to ask about it.

 8 He is there when you need something. Your car breaks down; he acts as your chauffeur for the week. A mouse occupies your house; he gets rid of it. You get sick; he brings you soup. 

9 He does what he says he will do. Another obvious indicator: when he says he's going to do something, he does it. 

10 When you hit bumps on your relationship road, he communicates easily, openly and without arguing. He doesn't get mad or withdrawn when you want to discuss your feelings or concerns about the relationship.

Word of wisdom

10/2
“Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.”Deuteronomy 6:5 NIV
http://bible.com/111/deu.6.5.niv 

I've been so focused on loving others lately that I got lost and put my affections in the wrong place versus where they need to be; on God, who can handle my love perfectly. Who loves me perfectly. Who has brought others into my life who can love me as He does because they know him and love Him the same way. I can only love in my special way and without perversion, when my eyes are on Christ. 

I kinda forgot that with the unbelievers. I kinda forgot that I was there in game to love others and this to lead to God, not to hope they loved me. :(

I went astray and I see that today. My goals got mixed up. My ideals became clouded. My desires changed for a rly hot minute there. 

John 10:10 New International Version (NIV)
10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.


Wow, thank God I'm still alive, if I had died at that time I could have given up salvation to some really stupid sins! Snatched from the fire once more by my blessed awareness. Screw you "Satan and his self-love"! 

Not today, buddy. Not today. My "eyes are on the author and perfecter of my faith," not some temporary nonsense.

2 Corinthians 4:17New International Version (NIV)
17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

God, I am going to look for YOU

I know if I spend some time in the Word tomo I will get some perspective on all of this. I am going to sleep this shit off and then try to go back to what I know which is spend some time with God letting Him remind me of what's important when I'm caught up in the "cares of this world" and I forget.

This game and its game players has entirely recently gotten the best of me, and changed my attitude and belief temporarily, but it doesn't have to keep affecting me so negatively.

I need to give all this pain, regret, rejection, sadness, grief and despair to Him; who is strong enough to handle it all for me and walk me right through it and out of the fog. He already promised me...

Jeremiah 29:12-14English Standard Version (ESV)
12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations...

Deuteronomy 30:3,4
3 God, your God, will restore everything you lost; he'll have compassion on you; he'll come back and pick up the pieces from all the places where you were scattered.

4 No matter how far away you end up, God, your God, will get you out of there..

John 15:5
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

And lovingly warned me...
Mark 4:19
18Still others are like the seeds sown among the thorns. They hear the word, 19but the cares of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth, and the desire for other things come in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful. 20Yet others are like the seeds sown on good soil. They hear the word, receive it, and produce a crop—thirtyfold, sixtyfold, or a hundredfold.”…

Romans 12:2
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.

Luke 21:34
But watch yourselves, or your hearts will be weighed down by dissipation, drunkenness, and the worries of life--and that day will spring upon you suddenly like a snare.

Trolls in my game

Tonight in game people (strangers) are trying to console me in my extreme anger and fucking sadness and still befriend me. Um, no! Stop! I went around slapping everyone and telling people off as I have started feeling burnt out af and tonight I hated playing and felt super angry at myself.

Instead I get weird shit from various people "Oh you are just angry right now, but I can tell you're a sweetheart!? - Mage Let's wash off all that salt. -Shaman I will wait for you. I will be here for you when you come back to your senses. -Warrior Have you been so damaged you can't accept kindness or friends now? -Priest  It's ok. It will be ok. Just start over. -Druid You can bounce back from all this. -Monk"

What the hell is wrong with people? Don't u see if I have already been hurt I am not about to let more people in? No more friends. What is really wrong with these out for blood trolls? Such cruel people in the world of Azeroth. Don't they know they will just end up leaving and not wanting to have anything to do with me?  Their toy (me) is only fun for a fucking month.

Or worse they do know all this and they just want to play me anyway? Disgusting. 

Hair Salon and time to think

Feeling: unwanted, unloved and blah
Thinking: I hate everyone and everything r n
Hoping: I can quell these terrible feelings/triggered sooner than later

3:30p Hair Update: Grrrr! After thinking about it; I should not have let anyone in. I should have been stronger in initially cutting things off.  This is all my fucking fault. I have no one to blame but myself. 

I can wallow in my self disgust for yet another mistake I didn't learn from, today. I pushed this person away and why then would I be surprised then when they've gone or finally now don't want to talk to me as much?

I did all this to myself. Good going me. Class A fuck up. It seems I can't have people in my life or NOT have people in my life rn. 

God, what a regressive fucking mess I have become this week... this is prob because my time was not fulfilled and I don't have a overall direction either, thanks to this fucking illness! But I told them all this didn't I? No one fucking listened when I said No, get away! then they leave and I'm just supposed to sit around and be ok with them leaving me when they want to leave.

stop feeling so much for other people and stop opening yourself up to them.

Times like this make me realize how important it is for me to stay in the Word and always close to God. I can't be away from Him and such as I allow myself to get caught up in some dumb ass worldly shit or worldly friendships & relationships with ungodly people/unbelievers. 

Look at what it leads me to every single time? Recession. Me behaving and thinking in ungodly ways and forgetting that this is all temporary! This life, this body, these people, and this situation. 

Time to remind myself of what love is eternal and it most certainly isn't the one I've been pining on hope for.. 

Things I loved about you X

Remembering you today. You were so sweet and though mostly gone, you still are. The way you care for me is this far unparalleled to how anyone else ever could or that I believe even would, because in the way you care, you ARE selfless.

I had fun with you last night. I am glad I chose to go with you. I need to focus on you somehow even while you are gone. In focusing on you I'm choosing to list all the ways you are loving to me and the things that made me fall madly in love with you. I think this will eventually also make me see how foolish im being.

You were ALWAYS so patient with me and any shortcomings I have had or come across.

You NEVER made fun of me like my asshole dad and you ALWAYS encourage me.

I noticed that the first time we ever studied together and it was like a giant breath of fresh air that I had been held back from my whole life. Always being teased by others and feeling "less than". You not making fun of me eventually showed me that I am worthy to you in your eyes, I am great no matter what I do and that I don't deserve for ppl to make fun of me or to tease me for things I make a mistake in or don't know.

Even when I would feel bad or put myself down you never joined in to take extra jabs even as a joke and still don't. God I fucking love that about you!

Whenever we went out you NEVER looked at other women or even consider other women. You didn't flirt with my "friends" who were all flirting with you and you never left my side in parties.

You always tell me how amazing, smart, beautiful, sweet, and fun I am and made me see how you rly do want only me.

You are humble, extremely generous and kind walking miles just to bring me something stupid that I asked for!

I might feel alone when I'm not with you or when you are working but when we are together I def do not feel alone.

You always choose honesty over lying.

You willingly give up things you want so that I can feel comfortable and happy. Be it food, time, games, people or items.

You always have a smile on your face and a positive outlook even when things are looking  super bleak! Ive never met anyone who is as positive and optimistic as you, and it's scary sometimes.

You always took opportunities to feed the homeless, help at shelters, give away clothing and do drives, as well as just sit and talk to people/strangers in the streets with me (like I do sometimes).

You make other men just by the nature of who you are, want to be better men and to change.

 I love how I can just sit with you for hours and talk about God and we would go through Bible verses and just be having the most fun with the Creator in our lives, seeing His omnipotence in everything.

You share everything with me and we have no secrets in our relationship.

When we watched Amelie and I got sad about never having love and Ryan not liking me you held me and assured me that someday someone  will love me not for my looks, or my age but for my beautiful  heart which is the most beautiful thing to love about me.

When I had fever and flu you took care of me and all my news, even tho u had things to do. You chose me!

When I was freaking out about bugs and having a panic attack saying I was going to kill my roommate you calmed me down gently like you do and stayed with me all night and stroked my head til I fell to sleep in my car. 

Even tho u were mad at me about something else you put it aside and still treated me gently & kindly. God, that is so sexy!

Whenever someone else has tried to insult me or make fun of me, you defend me.
You are there through all my little freak outs and phobias and you calmly love me through it and don't pressure me to change or else.

You NEVER ever threaten me or anyone.

You hate drinking and doing drugs and you shun those things that the world sees as "attractive".
You don't watch porn or ever been nor want to go to a strip club.
You are a great drummer, and I love the instrumental and music you make. It inspires me to write songs.

You are extremely athletic and strong and have actively toned down your strength for me at times when I felt scared and was triggered by it.

You don't raise your voice and almost always speak calmly on things even when you are mad.

Youve always let me know it's ok to come close to you, mad or not.

You are there for me in my illness as well as in my great riches (and in poverty), you make my special food for me, helped me clean, get my meds sometimes, and prep my meals & pills.

You NEVER treated me as a contagious leper & always shown me times of love and acceptance.

I'm gonna try to keep this list going... Cuz rly these are just some of the things that make you totally amazing to me . .make me love you and make you unlike anyone I've ever met. Too bad you’re gone and things changed. 

The Big Review...coming

The fact that I am still here and fighting IS simply amazing. Screw all those who don't deserve me!

The ex supportred me all the way in doing this ( I was soo nervous after not being onstage in so long) and he drove me to my show, made me my special food so I wouldnt feel left out in Bk and prepped all my meds. If thats not love...

Another time he was supportive when I wanted to sing at church. The ex was singing along how cute! Why had I never noticed it before?

Us and our silly singing in the car times... :)

My ex also wrote some of these songs with me. He is very talented in everything he does. In uniqueness, honesty, ambition, love for God and talent he and I are were always similar.
http://morenoshari.wixsite.com/mymusic

I decided in changing my focus I am gonna post a big one on my last year with my previous relationship and recap what I have been doing with my time during this treatment.

Ladies! Stop thinking of him.. he isn't thinking about you.

"You meet someone new and attractive. The eye looks and the mind wanders. Temptation strikes, although you don’t succumb to it in the moment. Nonetheless you find your thoughts keep returning to the encounter, to that attractive person, and to the possibility for romance, sex, or a relationship." If this is you... 

Yes! Stop that right there! Go no further, because look where you are now? Here. Thinking of someone who isn't thinking of you. Hurts. #feelsbadman D:  Save yourself the pain of regret. This is a great article I just read on some tips of how to stop thinking of someone you don't want to think about or shouldn't think about. 

TLDR: 
1/Instead of suppressing your thoughts, try changing their focus instead
2/Try thinking about a time you felt love-that is, felt close, connected, and bonded to your current partner instead of that other person
3/Thinking of love actually diminished the memory of that other person. People who thought of love remembered fewer of the attractive features of that other person than other participants did

ITS OK GURL.. HE'S "JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU"...

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/mental-mishaps/201505/how-stop-thinking-about-someone


Yesterday might have been about someone else, today is and can still be about you. :) 

Dinner and a movie, or just a movie..or just dinner? Nope! Forever Alone. LOL

I hope I can be stronger today than yesterday. I didn't log into disc, and I did log on bnet but I just ran dungeons today and did my own shit not talking to anyone as much as I would have before. I did notice though in one dungeon that in any given situation I can STILL fucking make a mistake, speak to and connect with someone in the future. :( I have to make sure that doesn't happen. I need to stay conscious of this and not let my guard down with anyone online.

I tell these people 'Hey trust me you don't want me to like you back and they don't listen. If it weren't happening to me and I let myself get to this stupid fucking place KNOWING this was how it was gonna go down eventually, it would almost be laughable. Mby it is still is!? Should I be laughing at this more? I swear to God men suck. I'm starting to think it's all of them, except my ex. He is not like this. I also recognize that I CANNOT have long distance relationships. I def cant even have long distance growing relationships. I'm not built for that new distance shit. My life has wayyy to many fuckin unknowns now for any growing relationships to be constantly feeling shaky af too. No thanks. 

Oh you were so sweet! Mby even tho I never spend time with him anymore or and we stopped doing anything romantic together; I'm thinking mby I still should try to work things out again? At least I don't have to ever fucking worry if he is seeing/talking to someone else (he earned some of my trust), or fucking leaving me any day meow for some random shit he learns (he has been with me thru the best AND the worst of times). He is a wonderful man in so many ways and it seems the more I meet jerks the better he shows himself (quietly, humbly and patiently) to be. That is why ig he isn't ever seeming worried about these "others" I play games with; because I think he knows that in the end, he wins. I AM the great PRIZE for him in his eyes. To him, I AM his GIFT from God. He always said I am his amazing, beautiful, kind, honest, and wise special gift after 5 years.

So why should I care if someone else doesn't want to message me? He loves me and he has prayed to be with me and we patiently waited on having sex with me til/if we married and I think he did all of this because he is STILL in love with me after all this time and he is pretty sure no matter what all this illness brings/throws at us, that I'm gonna end up his wife. 

I read somewhere you just have to focus on the actual love (not the feeling) that you HAD for your mate which helps the mind to get off consuming thoughts of the new thing that is desired, but unrequited. 

To keep from loneliness... I am going to try to go back in time, to the time when I was instead soo in love and enamored w/ him and begging God to someday make that wonderful man my husband. I think it's time for me to review just exactly what I love/loved about ex SO...and if just for today, try hard to focus on. 

When will I be over this?

Ugh.The Feels...Bargaining

Welcome to the (arriving too quick), Bargaining Stage. 

These unpleasant and painful emotions characterize grief--a natural reaction to loss or major life changes. American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross proposed five stages of grief that are often worked through during the grieving process. These stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The bargaining stage may occur prior to loss as well as after loss, as an attempt to negotiate pain away.

Characteristics of the Bargaining Stage

The bargaining stage is characterized by attempting to negotiate with a higher power or someone or something you feel, whether realistically or not, that has some control over the situation. You may make promises to God in return for the painful situation not to occur or for things to go back to how they were before the loss or change, according to Kubler-Ross and David Kessler.

Features of the Bargaining Stage

In the bargaining stage you may find yourself intensely focused on what you or others could have done differently in order to prevent the loss or change. You may also think about all the things that could have been and how wonderful life would have been if not for this unpleasant situation. While these thoughts may help you begin to accept the loss or change by revealing the impact of the situation, North Carolina A&T State University warns that these feelings can also lead to remorse and guilt that interfere with healing.

Feels Like Bleeding

He’s with Somebody New and all I can ever do is remember, constant reminders. 

I feel my heart bleed. 

It was once gushing, but over time my blood coagulated in my hearts wound and so now it just slowly drips and I leave it in my midst as I walk forward. 

Everywhere I go a trail of my broken hearts blood and everyone who loves me blames him for the blood on their sleeves. 

I'm finally almost out of blood left to bleed.