So this week I will be dying my hair. I don't have ANY money right now. I need to move my room around and I need to get rid of this sad "ol' Chris" look.
I feel great that I am not that stupid or desperate or fooled by his actions and and anti-action. My judgment is not clouded or wanting, hoping for something better from someone has clearly shown and continues to show they will not and cannot give it. I am rather glad to be alone, and well, actually I have learned I am not completely alone, I have God, myself, my family, the girls, and my doctor. I need to get better acquainted with a special second one of that list. (though I never have before).
I have not made great choices in that regard. My antenna is broken. I thought I was getting a better catch but I just got a "different" bad catch. This one was able to actually see, or pretend to see and want to work on (though he completely deteriorated into the worst person I have ever known, at the end) his own responsibility for at least a few good months.
It is best I find out he was not that into me now, than another lie, another cheat, or another bruise, another high, another let down later. I am grateful for everything we had that was good for the short time it was. I am grateful this was a strong ass message that I really don’t know what I am doing in the relationship arena and that I really deserve better than what I had.
This is what should have happened post-Brandon. This is THAT time. The time that inevitably sneaks up on us no matter how long it takes (1 year and half this time). That time to grieve, to learn, to ask why and be angry, to want to go back in/go backward cuz its scary out here, and then to realize they have already moved on because they didn't care like you did, to be stronger and accept the loss, the abuse and the overall defeat of it all, the bad choices, and then...grow in that strength and make a better choice.
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