I am a person. A living breathing person with feelings and wants and feels pain. Pain caused by someone I love. Who keeps on giving nothing but pain in his emotionless, detached coldness and inconsistency of promise.
I am broken. Tonight I met with Karin to discuss once more an agreement with Chris that will hopefully be agreed to so I can get some treatment and get better.
After going to the courthouse I realized I fucking love Chris more than anything and would not want to go through with that. I am giving him one more chance. 3 to 5 years is a LONG time not to talk to someone.
I realized I do not want that. No contact ever, not to see how he is doing, not to know if he ever made his dreams come true or he got better with the surfing and hockey. Him go to jail. No fucking way.. I do NOT want that.
Regardless of the monster he became, and how much he has hurt me, though I don't want to be with him, I love him more than anything and would never want to ruin his life.
Somehow, someway I am going to get through this. If he does not even agree to these shorter and more final terms as well as cheaper for him, then I have no other choice that to proceed with the fucking shit I do not want to do to get my treatments paid for. He wants nothing to do with me ever again, but is hopefully still open to this last option of an agreement, not even with me, with Karin. She and I are alike in that the important thing to us is that it is fair to him but still allows me get my back better.
If not, well then I am fucked and need to take the only option someone who is fucked has. Backed into a corner, come out fighting. =( Let's hope not.
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