Well, its 2pm

What am I doing with myself today? Well, one I can't really walk a lot or sit, so two, not very much. It is giving me time to think about my mistake in rejoining this relationship last year.

It is giving me time to see that Chris has a lot of problems that I should not and cannot and will not deal with any longer. One is his addiction to weed. Two is his abusiveness and tendency to abuse. Three is his lack of respect for morals like thou shall not steal and refusal to accept responsibility and pay people back. Four is his, more apparent now than before, vengeful nature.

And what about me? What are my problems? One is my inability to be alone (which I think this breakup will remedy) two is my need to be compliant/accepted and make things ok , three is my fear of abandonment and mistrust (which is why I did not leave when demanded to). Four is my negative thoughts that constantly plague me. Five is my codependent tendency and anger management issues.

The difference in mine and Chris's problems is that his land him in jail, poverty, debt, and finally death whereas mine can land me only in death by anothers' hand should I allow this to continue.

I seem to want to keep counting. I can count the ways that I will be better off without being in a relationship with Chris.

0) Since he is not going back to Dr. Adams or trying to quit weed on his own, I know that this is a lost battle.
1) I will no longer worry about whether or not he is getting/will be/ high and therefore treat me badly.
2) I will not have to think about his lack of calling me, and sending me emails or showing he cares.
3) I will not feel like I am the only one working on the relationship - always bringing up the issues and asking to work on them.
4) I will see that this abuse has never stopped completely only halted temporarily and would be the same in the future.
5) I will be able to recognize his and my faults after time has passed.
6) I will see him as I see Brandon, someone I would never again want to be with and who did not deserve me.
7) I will be free to learn from these mistakes without the "cloud" of love in the way.
8) I will not have anyone to go to for approval and then be sad when I do not get it because they want "space".
9) I will not have anyone to try to "talk to and be heard" and have that person completely blow me off to do their own thing or just not listen to me as I talk.
10) I will have my own problems to deal with alone.
11) I will be forced to look at myself objectively and spend time with myself.
12) I will be forced to learn what I like, what I want, and what I can do by myself.
13) No more yeast infections or weird breakouts!
14) No more messy room and hairy...everything ---to have sex in!
15) No more stress of wondering, waiting, wanting and wishing about/for him to love me, to be "different".
16) No more of his cop-out "well, we have to just try harder""let's just see what happens" response to how we are gonna fix our problems!
17) There are no more "problems" to fix.
18) No more Nice guy/Bad guy to deal with -- Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

Too bad there was no remorse..

as I told him he had pushed me down, broken my back and hurt my arms, he asked for a ride to work "like now". :(

When I actually saw it, my heart sank and I knew then and there, no matter what he has said, or what he has done, he is not going to change.

Over or Under 30... the Hard Truth

If you are 30 or older, you will think this is hilarious!!!!

If you’re not over 30 or older, you probably won’t think this is as hilarious…but at least learn a thing or two!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what, with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning... uphill BOTH ways yada,yada, yada!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter...with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to
get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids' and the graphics
sucked! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old lady with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your a$$ and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire.... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it
too easy. You're spoiled!!!!!!!!!

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980! Oh yea, and
a seatbelt was Mom throwing her arm across your chest every time
she hit the brakes. :P

just seems like a waste of time

why would anyone in the world want to continue to be around someone who yells at them (at all),
doesn't answer calls, negs on commitments, and continues to lie and say they love you and care for you while behaving in a manner that is opposite?

what kind of person is predisposed to think they deserve that?

and also, what kind of upbringing does the other person need to have had to make them think that is even a mildly acceptable form of showing care?

work

Work today was stressful. I am attempting to do too many things at once and maybe my time management is off or my boundaries not on. I do not know. I think they want to let me go and are looking for reasons now. I couldn't help thinking my personal issues are similar to my work issues.

Today they had mentioned a bunch of issues that they had with these open positions I am working on, will be working on, etc. They have asked to check all my communication with others for the next couple weeks and they have asked me to tone it down in requests and to be more aggressive at the same time.

What the fuck?! I am not sure what the fuck they want but I will do the best I can and that is all I can do. I am not going to fucking accept abusive expectations from anyone. Not chris, not work.. no one.

My Automatic Thoughts

Why the hell does Chris keep leaving me? He has said his needs are not being met, um, what are they? Do you even know? They will never be met if you don't say what they are. People don't and can't read minds. I can't meet all your needs anyway, no one can.

I am beginning to think maybe he has difficultly talking about his feelings, and taking on the issue of our issues at any time. He doesn't seem to have solutions for what he is doing, just.. his own wants and frustrations about me.

Yet, he came over tonight, to talk. Then again, like he has for the past 2 months, wanted to leave and be "alone" to "sleep in his own bed". I just don't get it, and part of me doesn't believe him when he says it.

I know I do not trust him. When he says I am going home to be alone, I don't believe him. When he says I need space for a little while (which is lately every week for an entire week!), I don't believe him. When he says you are the only one for me, I don't believe him.

How can someone be another's love and joy, (that is what "only one for me" means to me) and yet not want to talk to them or be around them for a length of time? Someone that is actually happy to do special things he can do when I'm not around. He says things like I feel great, and I did this which I cant do when you are around. What the fuck is that supposed to mean to me? If he is so much happier when I am not around then why the fuck are we doing this? Why is he staying? Why is he saying he wants to work on the relationship and stay in it? He said he wanted to move in together, if he doesnt want to spend time with me now and we arent living together, then why would he want to if we did?

I just found out that Chris signed up for a sex dating site and has emailed a bunch of women with abandon (they are ages 20-50, yuck) to have sex with them. I feel this is cheating, even though we are not talking. I do not know how to handle this. I am trying..and that is all I can do.

My Automatic Thoughts

Why the hell does Chris keep leaving me? He has said his needs are not being met, um, what are they? Do you even know? They will never be met if you don't say what they are. People don't and can't read minds. I can't meet all your needs anyway, no one can.

I am beginning to think maybe he has difficultly talking about his feelings, and taking on the issue of our issues at any time. He doesn't seem to have solutions for what he is doing, just.. his own wants and frustrations about me.

Yet, he came over tonight, to talk. Then again, like he has for the past 2 months, wanted to leave and be "alone" to "sleep in his own bed". I just don't get it, and part of me doesn't believe him when he says it.

I know I do not trust him. When he says I am going home to be alone, I don't believe him. When he says I need space for a little while (which is lately every week for an entire week!), I don't believe him. When he says you are the only one for me, I don't believe him.

How can someone be another's love and joy, (that is what "only one for me" means to me) and yet not want to talk to them or be around them for a length of time?

I have just reread what he is looking for..

I am a creative and intellectual individual who enjoys mental stimulation, exercising my imagination, and engaging in deep conversations. I am loyal and caring, always there for my friends and family. With my partner I'm romantic and affectionate; always trying to find new ways to make her feel special. I enjoy hiking, skiing, ice skating (not that I can), dancing, reading and cooking, as well as going to museums/art galleries and attending theater and other cultural events. Occasionally you will find me pondering over the universe; asking "what if?" and "why?" or otherwise letting my mind roam free. At times I may be energetic and spontaneous, at others perhaps a bit quiet, but I'm always curious and always me.

I am looking for a serious relationship with a wonderful partner-- she is someone intelligent and open-minded, somewhat aggressive and forward, who enjoys discussing new ideas. She is adventurous enough to try new activities, but also easy-going enough to enjoy quiet times together as well. She is involved with her family and friends; loyal enough to stay and try to work things out rather than running away. She is warm and affectionate, friendly, and playful, even silly sometimes; a soul-mate that relishes in having great conversation and fun. Sound like you? Write me or "flirt" and we can see where it goes from there!

Things I prob wont b able to share with Chris today

These are some things I have recently thought of regarding Chris and my relationship. Chris is not talking to me regularly, nor does he want to see me. He does not want to talk about our issues or look for solutions, I think he is getting ready to end it and preparing how he will say what he wants to say. I am also not going to think about that right now. So her goes, the unspoken words.. Chris will prob not hear?

1/26/08
What do you want to change about your relationship?
1 ) Yelling
I want us to discontinue this habit of yelling when we get angry or frustrated and feel the other person isn't "hearing" us. I want us to try to catch ourselves when we begin to yell or find ourselves yelling and stop it. I do not want to ever get back on the VA/DV box.

2) Lying - I want us to be 100% honest with one another about our feelings, desires, wants and choices/doings (things we are doing).

3) Drugs - I want to be in a drug free environment. I do not want to watch Chris get high. I would prefer no drugs when I am around. I don't want him to hang out with me when he is high, or get high before seeing me, really I want the choice to CHOOSE whether or not I want to be around him when/if he is high. I would like him to say things like hey, I am going to get high, do you still want to hang out with me. Or hey, I would like to do x,y,Z with you but then I am going to leave to get high, do you still want to be around or would you want to come with me? Or, hey I am already high, do you want to see me still? Or, something to that effect. In essence, it isn't a surprise or something I will feel controlled by..at that point it is MY choice to be around him or not. I cannot control when he is high or is not, but I can control me choosing to being around him or not.

4) Forgiveness - God, I really want us to try to be more forgiving with our grievances and mistakes we make/made/our shortcomings in general. (this DOES NOT include Lying or Drug using - those are not acceptable)

5) Contact - I want to be in contact at least 2x a day. I would like to call one another and answer phones, I would like an email and to actually see each other at least 3-4x a week.
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What do you know about yourself that may be contributing to the problem?
1) Yelling - I am as big of a culprit of this as he is. Lately more so! I need to not contribute by having more control of MY yelling as a reaction. Frankly, I need to see Dr. Adams and work on this issue ASAP.

2) Lying - In my foolishness I have also begun lying. Fortunately, I can cease this immediately. Also, I may have contributed by in the past not being as flexible in hearing truths I did not "like". I can fix this over time by accepting the honesty for what it is even though I may not like it, (eg. when he left me to go to Dave's and got high) (I was made aware of it, and I accepted it.)

3) Drugs - You know what I realized? I do not contribute to this. This is completely out of my control and contribution as well as out of his control.

4) Forgiveness - If I want this, I must be willing to give it as well. (with the exception of more lying/drugs from him after knowing all of this)

5) Contact - I contribute by not be respectful of spacial boundaries. I need to be more understanding of the persons time and needs to be alone. I need to try to be positive when I am around them and not bring up/focus on the time that was "negative" to me. I need to be in the "now" more often. Frankly, when Chris and I are in the now.. things are completely peachy.
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My reasons for staying in the relationship.
1) Chris is generally a good person. (To me that means caring, generous, understanding, listens, honest and kind)
2) Chris has exhibited/exhibits trying to change things for the better of the relationship. (showing me AIM recs, abuse counseling/therapy/answering phone, telling truth about pot, etc)
3) Chris does REALLY nice things for me periodically - thoughtful things. (getting tea tree products, nora jones nights, letting me see phone/comp, massage times, surprise flowers, cook dinner, invitations to go out)
4) Chris has tried to be there for me and has been there for me. (suicidal, sadness, trip to NY, listening to some vents, my feelings/issues, and the therapist visit)
5) Chris is able to keep a job.
6) Chris loves his dog and makes sure he is fed, walked, bathed, paid attention to, and cared for at least 80% of the time.
7) Chris is able to be intimate and I actually can feel intimate with him, (I have not with men.)
8) Chris has been romantic and is able to be very warm&open - I LOVE THIS ABOUT HIM.
9) Chris no longer makes fun of me, or speaks condescendingly.
10) Chris has ceased being physical and verbally abusive and is AWARE of what it is&what it means.
11) Chris is able to recognize some of his faults and accepts responsibility most of the time.
12) Most of the time I do feel Chris loves me (in his way) though it is not how I love.
13) I can have fun and get along with Chris and we really have amazing times together.
14) Chris has never let me go hungry. Food is just as important to him as it is to me.
15) Chris has been mostly supportive of my higher self choices.
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My reasons for leaving the relationship.
1) Chris is a drug user. This is a constant reminder of my father. He is not able/willing/wanting to quit using drugs. He does not see a problem and he has said he would stop and does not.
2) Chris has lied to me. (Jenny, using drugs, quitting, being somewhere when not, going to do something and not, saying he will call and doesn't, etc.)
3) I feel like I can no longer trust anything Chris says.
4) Chris sometimes behaves in a very impulsive, selfish way only thinking of himself and an immediate gratification. (w/ SEX, his desires, his feelings, things he wants RIGHT NOW, without thinking of me or us or consequences)
5) Chris has let me down in specific times when I really needed him and I actually requested my needs.
6) Chris yells and doesn't always deal with his problems, runs away.
7) I feel Chris will be an unreliable husband to me (not come home, stay out nights, be unavailable emotionally/physically/mentally, "work" too much) and an absent (mentally/physically) father to our kids if we had them.
8) Chris doesn't communicate sometimes about thing like his expectations, money ideas, or shuts off on me completely.
9) I feel I want to be with a man who does not use drugs or lie, has morals (like w/ lying, cheating, murder, selfishness, temptation, etc.) and loves God.
10) I feel Chris may never stop using drugs and will get progressively worse using more and varying drugs over time...
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Boundaries To Set

I will no longer allow _______________
other peoples actions/behaviors/choices to affect my feelings of self worth.
people to lie to me and continue to be close to me in my life.
myself to accept less than what I deserve.
someone to go through my things without asking first.
someone to treat my body as if it belongs to them.

I won't have a relationship with someone who _____________
is not honest with me
physically or verbally abuses me
does not love God
does not accept responsibility for their actions
behaves selfishly 80% of the time
devalues women in any way
accuses, threatens or "jokes" about me

Opposites Attract - Um, Not Really...

opposites don't attract, in the long term.

doesnt this just sound like a nice person for me?

"Hi ****,

Today would be a perfect day to curl up in front of a fireplace; if only I had one. For now I enjoy the pitter-patter of the rain on the ceiling (alternating between that and sunshine)... a good day for reading and doing puzzles. How is your day?

Hmmm, about me? I'm originally from the Wi*gto * D.*. area. My family is still back there, so I do go back a couple of times each year (I' m pretty close to my family). Some things I enjoy are taking long walks along the beach, hiking in the mountains, skiing, theater (esp. musicals/ballet), reading, playing board games (rather unusual ones), doing jigsaw puzzles, drawing, cooking, going to museums (both art and others -- I like to learn). Mostly I like to do a little of anything/everything, but nothing to excess.

As per my tastes in humor, it is rather eclectic-- I tend to find humor in little things; sometimes purposely looking at something literally, or out of context to see the other side of things. Sometimes you will find me giggling for no apparent reason. I don't tend to like slap-stick or what I call "stupid" humor in movies, but definitely like silliness and "childlike" play. I enjoy political satire (ever see Capitol Steps?) and the H***a B**c* Comedy and Magic Club (I like that they are "cleaner" than others in general).

How about you-- Where are you from? What do you enjoy doing? (hobbies/etc.) What do you find humorous? I am curious as to which video game you used to play (I used to like puzzle based adventures and some turn based strategy games; as well as playing Spades online).

I don't smoke or drink (though I certainly do not mind being with people who drink, it is just something I chose a while ago, and have for the most part kept since -- make a good designated driver :-)).

I hope you are having a wonderful day, I look forward to hearing from you again soon."
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This is someone I have been talking to for a very short time. His letters and photos set him apart from all the others on the dating site I had joined a couple weeks ago. After reviewing all the young possibles and the sexy wild ones. I kept going back to his. He has been the only one I was interested in. He looks nothing like the type I normally go for, nor does he have the age range I usually am taken in by, nor is his demeanor in anyway the usual type - witty, sarcastic, and jerkoff ish.

His photos showed someone smiling, open, gentle and warm.

A boundary

Non-Violent Communication:

by Marshall B. Rosenberg Ph.D.,

At an early age, most of us were taught to speak and think "Jackal." This language is from the head. It is a way of mentally classifying people into varying shades of good and bad, right and wrong. Ultimately, it provokes defensiveness, resistance, and counterattack. "Giraffe" bids us to speak from the heart, to talk about what is going on for us-without judging others. In this idiom, you give people an opportunity to say yes, although you respect no for an answer. "Giraffe" is a language of requests; "Jackal " is a language of demands.

Human beings the world over say they want to contribute to the well-being of others, to connect and communicate with others in loving, compassionate ways. Why, then, is there so much disharmony and conflict?

Setting out to find answers, I discovered that the language many of us were taught interferes with our desire to live in harmony with one another. At an early age, most of us were taught to speak and think Jackal. This is a moralistic classification idiom that labels people; it has a splendid vocabulary for analyzing and criticizing. Jackal is good for telling people what's wrong with them: "Obviously, you're emotionally disturbed (rude, lazy, selfish)."

The jackal moves close to the ground. It is so preoccupied with getting its immediate needs met that it cannot see into the future. Similarly Jackal-thinking individuals believe that in quickly classifying or analyzing people, they understand them. Unhappy about what's going on, a Jackal will label the people involved, saying, "He's an idiot" or "She's bad" or "They're culturally deprived."

This language is from the head. It is a way of mentally classifying people into varying shades of good and bad, right and wrong. Ultimately, it provokes defensiveness, resistance, and counterattack.

I also came upon a language of the heart, a form of interacting that promotes the well-being of ourselves and other people. I call this means of communicating Giraffe. The Giraffe has the largest heart of any land animal, is tall enough to look into the future, and lives its life with gentility and strength. Likewise, Giraffe bids us to speak from the heart, to talk about what is going on for us-without judging others. In this idiom, you give people an opportunity to say yes, although you respect no for an answer. Giraffe is a language of requests; Jackal is a language of demands.

By the time I identified these two languages, I had thoroughly learned Jackal. So I set out to teach myself Giraffe. What would I say, I wondered, if someone were doing something I found unpleasant and I wanted to influence him to change his behavior? Giraffes, I realized, are aware that they cannot change others. They are not even interested I changing people; rather, they are interested in providing opportunities for them to be willing to change. One way of providing such an opportunity, I decided, would be to approach the other person with a message such as: "Please do this, but only if you can do it willingly-in a total absence of fear, guilt, or shame. If you are motivated by fear, guilt, or shame, I lose."

As Giraffes, we make requests in terms of what we want people to do, not what we want them to feel. All the while, we steer clear of mandates. Nothing creates more resistance than telling people they "should" or "have to" or "must" or "ought to" do something. These terms eliminate choice. Without the freedom to choose, life becomes slave-like. "I had to do it-superior's orders" is the response of people robbed of their free will. Prompted by directives and injunctions, people do not take responsibility for their actions.

As time passed, I learned much more about giraffe. For one thing, they do not make requests in the past. They do not say, or even think, "How nice it would have been if you had cleaned the living room last night." Instead, Giraffes state clearly what they want in the present. And they take responsibility for their feelings, aware that their feelings are caused by their wants. If a mother is upset because her son's toys are strewn about the living room, she will identify her feeling: anger. She will then get in touch with the underlying want that is causing this feeling: her desire for a neat and orderly living room. She will own the anger, saying, "I feel angry because I want the living room to be clean and instead it's a mess." Finally, she will ask for a different outcome: "I'd feel so much better if you'd just put these toys away."

Whereas Jackals say, "I feel angry because you…," Giraffes will say, "I feel angry because I want…" As Giraffes, we know that the cause of our feelings is not another person, but rather our own thoughts, wants, and wishes. We become angry because of the thoughts we are having, not because of anything another person has done to us.

Jackal, on the other hand, view others as the source of their anger. In fact, violence, whether verbal or physical, is the result of assuming that our feelings are caused not by what is going on inside us but rather by what is going on "out there." In response, we say things designed to hurt, punish, or blame the person whom we imagine has hurt our feelings. Aware of this tendency, a Giraffe will conclude, "I'm angry because my expectations have not been met."

As Giraffes we take responsibility for our feelings. At the same time, we attempt to give others an opportunity to act in a way that will help us feel better. For example, a boy may want more respect from his father. After getting in touch with his anger over the decisions his father has been making for him, he might say: "Please ask me if I want a haircut before making a barbershop appointment for me."

Giraffes say what they do want, rather than what they don't want. "Stop that," "Cut it out," or "Quit that" do not inspire changed behaviors. People can't do a "don't."

Giraffes ultimately seek a connection in which each person feels a sense of well-being and no one feels forced into action by blame, guilt, or punishment. As such, Giraffe thinking creates harmony.

STATING A REQUEST CLEARLY

Stating a request in simple Giraffe is a four-part process rooted in honesty:

Describe your observation.

Identify your feeling.

Explain the reason for your feeling in terms of your needs.

State your request.

In describing the situation, do so without criticizing or judging. If you have come home from a busy day and your partner seems preoccupied with the newspaper, simply describe the situation: "When I walked in the door after an especially trying day, you seemed busy reading." Identify your feelings: "I feel hurt." State the reason for your feelings: "I feel hurt because I would like to feel close to you right now and instead I'm feeling disconnected from you." Then state your request in do-able terms: "Are you willing to take time out for a hug and a few moments of sharing?"

The same process applies if your teenager has been talking on the phone for hours and you are expecting a call. Describe the situation: "When you've got the phone tied up for so long, other calls can't come through." Express your feeling and the reason for it: "I'm feeling frustrated because I've been expecting to hear from someone." Then state your request: "I'd like you to bring your conversation to a close if that's all right."

In Jackal culture, feelings and wants are severely punished. People are expected to be docile, subservient to authority; slave-like in their reactions, and alienated from their feelings and needs. In a Giraffe culture, we learn to express our feelings, needs, and requests without passing judgment or attacking. We request, rather than demand. And we are aware of the fine line of distinction between these two types of statements.

In Jackal, we expect other people to prove their love for us by doing what we want. As Giraffes, we may persist in trying to persuade others, but we are not influenced by guilt. We acknowledge that we have no control over the other person's response. And we stay in Giraffe no matter what the other person says. If she or he seems upset or tense, we switch into listening, which allows us to hear the person's feelings, needs and wishes without hearing any criticism or ourselves. Nor does a Giraffe simply say no; as Giraffes we state the need that prevents us from fulfilling the request.

RESPONDING TO A "NO"

Responding to a refusal is a four-part process rotted in empathy:

1. Describe the situation

2. Guess the other person's feelings.

3. Guess the reason for that feeling, together with the unmet need;

then let the person verify whether you have correctly understood.

4. Clarify the unmet need.

When people say no in a nasty way, what they invariably want is to protect their autonomy. They have heard a request as a demand and are saying, in effect, "I want to do it when I choose to do it, and not because I am forced to do it." Sighing, sulking, or screaming can likewise reflect a desire to protect one's freedom of choice, one's need to act from a position of willingness. If people scream at us, we do not scream back. We listen beneath the words and hear what they are really saying-that they have a need and want to get their need met.

If a mother has asked her daughter to please do her chores and she has refused, the Giraffe dance may go something like this:

Parent: Are you feeling annoyed right now because you want to do your chores at your own pace rather than being forced to do them?

Child: Yeah, I'm sick and tired of being a slave. (Note the defensive mode, indicating a need to be listened to.)

Parent: So, you really want to do things when it feels good to do them, and you're not just avoiding them altogether?

Child: You order me around! (The child still needs to be listened to. The parent must keep guessing what the child is saying about feelings and wants.)

Parent: So, it's frustrating when I seem to be ordering you around and you have no choice about when to do your chores.

Child: I don't want to do chores! They're stupid. If you want them done, you do them.

Parent: You really hate doing chores and you would like me to do all of them?

Child: Yeah.. no.. I don't know. I just don't feel like being bossed around. (The child is becoming vulnerable and starting to open up because she's feeling heard without judgment.)

If we have been Jackalish and demanding in the past, the people close to us may need a lot of empathy at first. So we listen and listen, reflecting back with guesses about what they are feeling and wanting, until they feel heard and shift out of being defensive. We don't take anything personally, for we know that upset, attacking, defensive statements are tragic expressions of unmet needs. At some point, the person's voice and body language will indicate that a shift has occurred.

At a meeting I attended at a mosque in a refugee camp near Jerusalem, a man suddenly stood up and cried, "Murderer!" As a Giraffe, all I heard was "Please!"-that is, I heard the pain, the need that wasn't being met. That is where I focused my attention. After about 40 minutes of speaking, he did what most of us do when we sense we have been accurately heard and listened to: he changed. The situation was immediately defused of all tension.

In international disputes, as well as in relationship, business, classroom, and parent-child conflicts, we can learn to hear the human being behind the message, regardless of how the message is framed. We can learn to hear the other person's unmet needs and requests. Ultimately, listening empathetically does not imply doing what the person wants; rather, it implies showing respectful acknowledgment of the individual's inner world. As we do that, we move from the coercive language we have been taught to the language of the heart.

Speaking from the heart is a gesture of love, giving other people an opportunity to contribute to our well-being and to exercise generosity. Empathetically receiving what is going on in others is a reciprocal gesture. Giraffes experience love as openness and sensitivity, with no demands, criticism, or requirements to fulfill requests at either end of the dispute. And the outcome of any dialogue ruled by love is harmony.

In the end, Jackals are simply illiterate Giraffes. Once you've learned to hear the heart behind any message, you discover that there's nothing to fear in anything another person says. With that discovery, you are well on your way to compassionate communication. This form of dialogue, although offering no guarantees of agreement between disputing parties, sets the stage for negotiation, compromise, and most importantly, mutual understanding and respect.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of the international nonprofit Center for Nonviolent Communication, has taught these empowering skills for over 30 years to the general public as well as to parents, diplomats, police, peace activists, educators, and managers. Based in Switzerland, Dr. Rosenberg travels worldwide in response to communities that request his peacemaking services and skills. He has provided mediation and training in over two dozen countries, including war-torn Rwanda, Croatia, Palestine, Sierra Leone, and Ireland.

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Anger and Domination Systems

by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

The following is a slightly edited transcript of part of a workshop on anger led by Dr. Rosenberg in England in May of 1999. Dr. Rosenberg is founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication and its director of educational services. He is author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion (Puddle Dancer Press, 1999). Marshall sometimes uses Jackal as a metaphor for life-alienated language which contributes to violence toward self and others, and Giraffe as a metaphor for the Nonviolent Communication model that he created.

Marshall: For me the subject of anger is very much a political issue. To me anger is not a central issue and I'm worried about thinking of anger as a problem. Thinking about anger as a problem is like a man who is in the habit of smoking in bed and catching the house on fire and he notices there's always this damn fire alarm going off.

He gets really annoyed and he keeps changing houses because he doesn't like dealing with the fire alarm. To me in many respects anger is the fire alarm. Why be worried and concerned about the fire alarm? So to me anger is not the problem. To me the problem is the thinking that creates it. It is a certain quality of thinking that supports domination systems.

By systems I mean governments, organizations, institutions that regulate human affairs. In his books, The Powers That Be and Engaging the Powers, theologian Walter Wink talks about domination systems being ones in which a few people control [many] to their own advantage. In domination systems you have to train people to think in ways that support the system, so they fit the system.

Domination systems require:

1. Suppression of self

2. Moralistic judgments

3. Amtssprache (this expression was used by Nazi officials to describe a bureaucratic language that denies choice, with words like should, have to, ought)

4. The crucial concept of deserve

Now anger is the result, it's a fire alarm that tells us we are thinking in a way that supports domination systems; you are thinking in a way that contributes to the oppressive world order and you are part of it.

So I don't want to get rid of it in that sense I don't want to be like the man who keeps moving his house because of the alarm. I want to make a radical shift in my thinking so I am not thinking in ways that take part in the domination systems in the world. So systems train people to think in ways that support the system. And how we are trained to communicate is obviously going to affect our human development.

We have been trained to be nice dead people or bullies. When you are in a position of authority you are justified in being a bully. You don't call yourself a bully - you call yourself an authority. In domination systems authorities are given legal power to bully through the system of deserve, in which punishment, rewards and other forms of coercion get you to do things.

How human beings develop obviously is going to affect our understanding about the nature of human beings, what we think is the nature of human beings. This is what leads us to create the kind of systems we create. This is why I like Water Wink's books so much. He sees over the past five thousand years a certain kind of consciousness of what human beings are like.

For example if you think that human beings are evil, wretched reeps, horrible things - and this view has been widely spread for several thousand years, that human beings are tainted with an evil energy - then obviously you need to set up a system that is controlled from above by those who are more moral, like you and me! And I am wary about you to tell you the truth!

The trouble is that the system has a problem to decide who is the more moral person and is the one to know how to control the other people. There have been some experiments, divine right of kings and the various others, but the idea is that the system follows with a certain consciousness about what human beings are, they have to be controlled. The primary means is a coercive method of controlling human beings to keep them thinking they are worthless little creeps.

What are the basic systems used?

Punishment - make people suffer - the whole idea of penitence is to get people to change. First you have to get people to see what horrible creeps they are. That's why one of the first things a child must be taught to say, and say well, is "Sorry."

Let's get a jackal child puppet.

Jackal Parent: Say you are sorry.

Jackal Child: I'm sorry.

Jackal Parent: You're not really sorry. I can see from your face you are not really sorry.

Jackal Child: (begins to cry) I'm sorry.

Jackal Parent: I forgive you.

That's what you have to do, you have to make people feel bad about themselves and be penitent.

That¹s why in the United States we call these institutions penitentiaries. The whole idea is you have to make people realize they are evil, so you need a language that does that, you need moralistic judgment that implies evil or bad, with words like: good, bad, right, wrong, abnormal, incompetent etc.

All kinds of words that make you wrong.

There are whole cultures that have not gone that way, where there is almost no violence. They don't have this language.

Question: "Where are these cultures?"

Marshall: Every one wants to move there! Fortunately there are a lot of them.

Fortunately anthropologist Ruth Benedict has done a lot of research in this area. A good place to start is an article in Psychology Today, June 1970 entitled "Synergy-Patterns of the Good Culture." She has written many books on the subject since the 1920s. She's found them all over the world. When she started out she wasn't sure she would find any.

The tribe I have had some contact with is Orang Asilie tribe in Malaysia. I'll never forget what my translator was saying before we got started. He was going over how he was going to translate. He pointed out his language has no verb to be, like [you are] good, bad, wrong, right. You can't classified people if you take away the verb to be. How are you going to insult people? You take away ninety percent of my vocabulary! So I say what are you going to say if I say "You're selfish"?

"Its going to be hard, I'd translate it like this: Marshall says he sees you are taking care of your needs but not the needs of others." He says, "In my language, you tell people what they are doing and what you like them to do differently, it would not occur to us to tell people what they are." He then paused and he looked at me in all sincerity and said, "Why would you ever call a person a name?"

I said you have to know who to punish. Punishment is a totally foreign concept in these tribes and cultures. He looked at me and said, "If you have a plant and it isn't growing the way you would like, do you punish it?" The whole idea of punishment is so ingrained in us that it is hard for us to imagine other options. It is totally foreign to people who haven't been educated in domination systems culture. In many of these cultures they look at people who hurt others this way: they are not bad, they've forgotten their nature. They put them in a circle and they remind them of their true nature, what it's like to be real human beings. They've gotten alienated and they bring them back to life.

Question: What's the tribe's name again?

Marshall: The Orang Asilie. This is interesting. It's not their name, it's the name the surrounding cultures call them and it means 'primitive people'.

People usually ask what were you doing there teaching them Giraffe language when they have their own Giraffe language? It's sad; they were doing quite well. They live in the forest where trees have great economic value in the outside world, so now logging companies are intruding on their space. They don't know how to speak Giraffe with Jackal speaking people. They have one senator who represents 60,000 people. In Malaysia, they heard about my work and asked me if I could do something. He says "You know there are consultants who will show us how to use guns, there's no shortage of these, to get our land back." The senator hoped there is another way.

So back to anger. I hope you're beginning to see that anger is not the issue. The issue for me is the thinking. Walter Wink points out very poignantly, domination systems require that violence be made enjoyable.

You have to make violence enjoyable for domination systems to work. Bob Kandeh from Sierra Leone knows. You can get young people to enjoy cutting off the arms of other young people in Sierra Leone because of the thinking that you are giving people what they deserve. Those people supported that government. When you can really justify why people are bad, you can enjoy their suffering.

In the United States at the time children are watching TV the most, between 7 and 9 pm, in 75 percent of the programs, the hero either kills someone or beats them up. So by the time the average child is fifteen years old, they have observed thirty thousand beatings and murders by the good guys. What does this do to our consciousness? And when does the beating and murdering occur? At the orgasmic climax; we get an orgasmic joy from violence.

Now that is probably not television; it's been going on according to Walter Wink for five thousand years. What does it do when we show this that repetitively to children? It's bad enough if they go to Church or synagogue once a week and listen to a jackal-thinking theologian who uses the good book to justify the violence and punishment of evil. It's bad enough to have that once a week, but when it's flashed across the screen with artistry in front of children's eyes in their growing years, what happens? You see you've got to make violence enjoyable.

So anger is just the human feeling that results from this. I'm glad we're here to study it, because being here to liberate ourselves from our anger means we are here to liberate ourselves from these systems. It requires a radical transformation in our thinking. We bring ourselves back to life, because adjusting to our anger means we are dead. People are surprised to hear that because (raises his voice) "I feel so alive when I am angry." You're not! You've got a lot of adrenaline going. I wouldn't say we were alive, I would say when we are alive we are connected to life. We can be connected to life when we have been trained to think in a life serving way.

So let's contrast the two systems, the domination system and the life serving system. How does life work?

We have needs, all living creatures have needs, and we have a wonderful alarm system that alerts us when our needs are not being met. What is this alert? A motivational system called feelings. In his book Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman points out that this is a natural function of emotions. They tell us when we are not getting our needs met. For example, if my need for food is not being met, but I don't have feelings, then I starve. It's like people who have neurological problems don't know if their hand is on fire or not.

So feelings are very important. They mobilize us to get our needs met. When our need is met then we have pleasureful feelings to celebrate. This is a natural system. We are in a life serving system. We would want to serve life. We would want to train people to think in this way, to think in terms of feelings, in terms of needs and need-fulfilling actions.

This is basically what Nonviolent Communication is about. If you want to serve life you want to create life-serving systems. We need to really be conscious moment by moment. We need to be as smart as bees and dogs--connected to life. Maybe it's OK to have opinions about the world situation, but if you are starving to death you need to get some food in your system. Let's really focus our consciousness on our human needs, feelings and need-fulfilling actions.

Now anger is a feeling, but anger tells us that a cancerous intruder has come in. We have a need that isn't getting met, therefore it is creating some feelings, but we are thinking in a way that serves domination systems, and this is putting a toxic energy into a natural system. Anger and its cousins, depression, guilt and shame, are all a part of domination systems.

Anger tells us we are thinking the bad guy is somebody else. With depression, guilt and shame we are the bad guy, these are the feelings that result from the thinking of domination systems.

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1. The first piece is the observation of whatever triggered the speaker's current state of mind. We do our best to state our observation free of any evaluation: "When I see video game magazines, socks, and food on the floor, and these pots and dirty dishes in the kitchen..." (Not: "When I see this huge mess.")

2. The second is the speaker's feelings in response to what is observed. We do our best to identify an emotion, sensation or state of mind that is free of thoughts: "I feel exhausted and agitated...." (Not: "I feel I shouldn't leave you home by yourself.")

3. The third is the unfulfilled need that is generating the feelings mentioned. We try to identify as closely as possible a universal need or value, or at least a desire stated in positive terms: "because I am needing more order and beauty in my home." (Not: "Because I don't want to come home to a pigsty.")

4. The fourth piece is a request that provides the listener with an opportunity to exercise their power to respond to the speaker's need with something immediate, concrete, and do-able. The mother offers such an opportunity to the son by asking: "Would you be willing to put away the things on the floor that belong to you, toss out the garbage, and wash the dishes in the sink?" (Not: "Would you quit making such a mess and do something about this room?")

When we reveal our feelings and needs, we offer others an arena where they can express their compassion. It is our vulnerability that inspires others to want to give to us from the heart. We all know it's no fun giving gifts to someone who doesn't need anything.

In a world, however, where people habitually express themselves by blaming, analyzing and judging each other, it may seem dangerous, if not downright dumb, to be exposing ourselves in this vulnerable fashion. That is why it is necessary for us to grow our Giraffe ears. Not only do we want to be able to express our own feelings and needs, it is equally important to be able to hear the other person's feelings and needs behind their words, gestures, or silences.

If my partner calls me "cold and aloof," instead of hearing judgment, I now focus my attention on his feelings and needs, and check them out with him if I'm not sure: "When you say that I am 'cold and aloof,' are you feeling sad, because you have a need for more intimacy than you're getting?" If someone calls me stupid, I may sense that she is frustrated and wanting acknowledgment or support for her views. With Giraffe ears, I hear no judgments of myself or of others, only feelings and needs -- mine and theirs. As Dr. Rosenberg explains, "All judgments are tragic expressions of unmet needs."

Having been schooled in the language of the head, most of us are skillful in analyzing, diagnosing and labelling people, but have difficulty sensing feelings and needs and making or eliciting clear requests. It may take some time to master NVC grammar, to explore and develop a new vocabulary of feelings and needs, and to develop the fluency we desire.

Gradually, however, as our words flow out of our own feelings and needs, and we learn how to empathize with others through Giraffe ears, we discover that we have freed ourselves from the compulsion to "be right" or "be nice." Our speech then embodies both our deepest truths and our deepest compassion. NVC is a set of immediately applicable skills as well as a lifelong practice of developing consciousness. As we increase moment-to-moment awareness of the feelings and needs behind all words and actions, we are transforming the world for ourselves and for others.

Too sweet to die for!?

Wow, I have learned a lot about sugar today. I think it may very well be one of the hardest things to give up. Readthe below article below for more info that is astounding but true.

Sugar, Diabetes and Incurable diseases

About white sugar, Aspartame, other concentrated sweeteners and health

Cause and prevention of diseases

In Sugar We Trust

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This page is an important stop for all of you who are addicted to sugar, honey, or any other concentrated sweetener.

For all of those who eat sugar every day in all kind of food, from bread to Coca Cola, from ice-cream to ketchup, from hot-dog to cakes, jams, candies, sausages, yogurts ...

And for all of those who are having problems like colds, flu, food allergies, high cholesterol, candida, cancer, diabetes, fatty degeneration, degenerative diseases, depression, dizziness, crying spells, aggression, insomnia, weakness, skin problems, heart and circulatory diseases...

What the hell is white sugar?

White sugar is refined sucrose (simple sugar), C₁₂H₂₂O₁₁ , produced by multiple chemical processing of the juice of the sugar cane or sugar beet and by removal of all fiber , protein and minerals , which amount to 90 percent of the natural plant.

( P.S. I do not want to be misunderstood. I will explain that concentrated sweeteners are bad for your health. BUT, that does not mean that you should use artificial sweeteners like aspartame (nutra sweet), xilitol, sorbitoll, or any other artificial sweeteners. ALL artificial sweeteners are worse for your health then natural sweeteners, so think about it! )

Read articles:

THE BITTER TRUTH ABOUT
ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS

• Excitotoxins - MSG and Aspartame May 03
• Fructose (corn syrup) is No Answer For a Sweetener Jan 04
• THE BITTER TRUTH ABOUT ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS Dec 30
• Killer Sugar! Suicide With A Spoon Dec 12
• 78 Ways Sugar Can Ruin Your Health Dec 11
• Stevia
• Maple Syrup

This page is not only about white sugar. It is also about brown/ raw/ turbinado sugar, molasses, syrups, and other concentrated sweeteners like : dextrose (glucose) , fructose, galactose, maltose, lactose, dextrin, dextrains, and honey. Our body digests and absorbs these concentrated sources of sugars rapidly, and quickly turns them into saturated fatty acids and cholesterol. If we do not burn off the fat through activity, it will start accumulating under our skin,in our lever in our arteries and other organs.

One thing is common characteristic for all those sweeteners: they are concentrated and composed of simple sugars (monosaccharide and disaccharide). Simple sugars are also called rapid sugars because they do not need digestion and are absorbed rapidly in our bloodstream.

After being absorbed in our bloodstream, they rise blood glucose levels too high. This condition is called hyperglycemia, and is one of the symptoms of diabetes. If or pancreas function as it should, it will produce enough insulin to remove excess glucose from our bloodstream with amazing efficiency.

But huge production of insulin can not be stopped in the same moment as sugar stop coming in the bloodstream. To much insulin will then cause too rapid fall of glucose level in the blood. That is called hypoglycemia, and symptoms may include depression, dizziness, crying spells, aggression, insomnia, weakness, and even loss of consciousness.

When blood glucose falls too low, our adrenal glands will mobilize the body's stores of glycogen (starch like carbohydrate , many glucose molecules hooked end to end in a chain,stored in liver and muscle) and will also stimulate the synthesis of glucose from proteins and other substances present in our body.

A diet rich in sugars will catch our pancreas and adrenal glands in a biochemical see-saw, overworking them. It could weaken pancreas and result in diabetes. Cardiovascular complications that follow excess glucose or fats kill many diabetics. If our body is unable to use all of the extra fats and cholesterol produced from sugars,it must dump the additional load. Fats can be deposited in the cells of our liver, heart, arteries, fat tissues, kidneys, muscles, and other organs. That is beginning of fatty degeneration.

One of the aspects of fatty degeneration is deposition of visible fat in places where it is not normally found in healthy people. Fatty degeneration includes atherosclerosis, fatty liver and kidneys, some tumors, obesity and some forms of diabetes.

Sugars inhibit the function of our immune system, and increase diseases caused by poor immune function, such as colds, flu, AIDS, allergies, infections, ...

Sugars increase our body's production of adrenaline by four times, which puts the body into a state of 'fight or flight' stress, without anything to fight or flee from , except the consumption of sugar. This stress reaction increases the production of both cholesterol and cortisone. Cortisone inhibits immune function.

Sugars lack the vitamins and minerals required for their own metabolism. To be metabolized, sugars must draw on our body's stores of these nutrients. The more sugars you eat, the more vitamins and minerals you need.

It can leach B, C, D vitamins, and those minerals:

calcium, phosphorous, iron, selenium, zinc, chromium, vanadium, tin, boron, bismuth, rear earth elements etc. from our teeth, bones, and tissues.

As these are depleted, our body becomes less able to carry out other functions that require minerals and vitamins to be present: to metabolize fats and cholesterol; to convert cholesterol into bile acids for removal from our body through the stool; or to burn-off excess fats as heat or increased activity. As a result , our cholesterol level rises; our metabolic rate goes down; fats burn more slowly; gall stones are crystallizing in or liver; we feel less like exercising, and our weight is increasing. We have already started walking our way to cancer, diabetes and cardiovascular diseases.

As you see , sugar is where it all starts, I mean disease.

Sugar causes irritation and weakening of the mucous membranes of the body and robs the teeth, bones and blood of a great percentage of their minerals. Inflammatory diseases of the breathing and digestive organs result from the use of brown and white sugar.

If , after reading those facts you feel to stop eating sugar , we are recommending next alternatives:

dry fruit, fresh fruit, fresh fruit juice, resins, apple syrup, rice malt, barley malt.

But, do not just replace sugar with malt, or apple syrup. It is also important to generally decrease consumption of concentrated sweeteners. Eat more fresh fruit and compote.

The easiest way of decreasing consumption of sugar is by decreasing consumption of meat.

How to stop eating sugar ?

There is a balance between meat consumption and sugar.

If you eat meat, you need sugar, and visa versa. Serious trouble can happen if the balance is off which is easy since sugar is addictive, like a drug. If you are a vegetarian and eat mostly carbohydrates, the effect of extra sugar is heightened.

One of the major drawbacks is that sugar raises the insulin level, which inhibits the release of growth hormones, which in turn depresses the immune system. Not something you want to happen if you want to avoid sickness.

According to Kathleen DesMaisons in her book Potatoes Not Prozac sugar sensitive people , those who have a more volatile reaction to the substance, usually have low levels of serotonin and low levels of beta endorphins.

The level of beta endorphins have a direct impact on a person’s self esteem, tolerance for pain, sense of connectiveness and to the ability to take personal responsibility for action. It follows that with higher levels of beta endorphins the disease management process would be easier.

When blood sugar spikes it signals the adrenal glands to release more adrenaline. This leads to adrenal fatigue and in turn makes blood sugar ups and downs ever more pronounced. Note this, for many of us have adrenals already fatigued from overeating of sugar.

According to William Duffy in "Sugar Blues" the difference between sugar addiction and narcotic addiction is largely one of degree. Here are some suggestions to make the withdrawal easier:

- As you are reducing the amount of sugar also reduce the amount of meat you are eating

- Eat a bit of ginger before meals

-Taking Colloidal minerals that contain trace minerals Chromium and Vanadium would solve problem of craving for Sugar and sweets !

- Craving for Sugar and sweets is a symptom of Chromium and Vanadium deficiency.

- Don’t eat any concentrated sweetener for breakfast

- Eat your breakfast as late as possible and start with fruit

- Make pause between fruit and other food

- Never eat fruit together with a rest of food

- Make treats like cookies sweetened with rice syrup (a honey like sweetener made from cultured rice) or barley malt

- Get to know some new foods that have a subtle sweet taste from natural sugars. Try manna bread (tastes like a muffin but is made only from sprouted grains) or oatmilk.

- Get to know more about the sugar/depression/energy connection. Read Food and Healing, Sugar Blues, or Potatoes Not Prozac

More about sugar :

Sugars are classified as either simple or complex carbohydrates. Refined sugars such as white, brown, and turbinado sugars, and the unrefined simple sugars, such as fruit sweeteners and concentrated fruit juices, are all simple carbohydrates. The grain syrups: barley malt and brown rice syrup, contain complex carbohydrates besides some simple sugars.

Complex carbohydrates are a string of simple sugars (glucose) strung together that must be broken back down into simple sugars before they can be absorbed into the bloodstream; whereas simple sugars can go directly into the bloodstream.

An influx of sugar into the blood stream upsets the body's blood sugar balance, triggering the release of insulin, which the body uses to keep blood sugar at a safe and constant level. Insulin also promotes the storage of fat, so when you eat sweets high in sugar and fat, you're making way for rapid weight gain and elevated triglyceride levels, both of which have been linked to cardiovascular disease. Complex carbohydrates tend to be absorbed more slowly, lessening the impact on blood sugar levels.

Refined sugars have been stripped of the vitamins, minerals, and fiber that were originally present before processing. White sugar is 99.9 percent sucrose, and brown and turbinado are 96 percent sucrose. Brown sugar is white sugar with molasses and/or caramel coloring added. Turbinado sugar, also called raw sugar, is slightly less refined and contains a trace amount of a few minerals.

Consequently, consuming large amounts of refined sugars places an extra burden on the body to supply the nutrients, specifically the B vitamins, chromium, magnesium, and zinc, needed to convert glucose (blood sugar) into energy. According to USDA biochemist Richard Anderson, refined sugar may also impair the absorption of trace minerals like copper and chromium present in some of the other foods we have eaten.

Refined simple sugars also have an impact on brain chemistry. They raise serotonin levels, which can leave you feeling drowsy. However, the unrefined simple fruit sweeteners have less impact on brain chemistry because they are high in the sugar fructose, which does not affect serotonin levels.

Choosing natural sweeteners rich in complex carbohydrates and reading labels before buying a product will help you reduce your consumption of refined sugar. Natural sweeteners retain most of their vitamins and minerals, and many contain complex carbohydrates. Below is a list and brief description of some of the natural sweeteners available.

Natural sweetener	% complex carbohydrates in dry matter (good ones)	% simple sugars in dry matter (bad ones)
Brown Rice Syrup (Rice malt) is made from (yeast culture) fermented brown rice and sprouted whole barley. Like barley malt, it is ground and heated to make a thick syrup. Because of its mild taste, it can be used as a substitute for white or brown sugar. OK for sick people but not too much ! It is one of the best of all concentrated sweeteners ! Avoid it if you have Candida Albicans (yeast) problem !	40 % complex carbohydrates (starch)	57 % maltose
Barley Malt Syrup is made from (yeast culture) fermented whole barley which is sprouted to break down some of the carbohydrate into the simple sugar maltose. It is then ground and heated to make a thick syrup. Barley malt is a good substitute for brown and white sugar. It is delicious in hot breakfast cereals, cookies, breads, muffins, and recipes using carob. OK for sick people but not too much ! It is one of the best of all concentrated sweeteners ! Avoid it if you have Candida Albicans (yeast) problem !	33 % complex carbohydrates (starch)	66 % maltose
Granulated Brown Rice Sweeteners are made from dried brown rice syrup or a combination of dried brown rice syrup and powdered grape juice concentrate. Brown rice sweeteners have a very mild flavor and can be used to replace white or brown sugar in baked goods. OK for sick people but not too much ! It is good concentrated sweeteners ! Avoid it if you have Candida Albicans (yeast) problem !	33 % or more complex carbohydrates	66 % maltose, fructose, glucose, and sucrose
Fruit Concentrate/Sweetener includes frozen juice concentrates such as grape or apple juice and refrigerated jars of fruit concentrates which are typically blends of juices such as peach, pear, and pineapple juice. Fruit concentrates are thicker than fruit juice concentrates and are made by cooking whole fruits at very low temperatures until they have been reduced to a thick syrup. Fruit sweeteners work well in most baked goods. They are not much better then white or brown sugar !!! If you are sick, avoid it !!!	1 % complex carbohydrates	90 - 96 % simple sugars, fructose, glucose, and sucrose
Maple Syrup is made from the sap of sugar maple trees. Thirty­five to 50 gallons of sap are boiled to produce one gallon of maple syrup. Grade A maple syrup has a lighter color and flavor than Grade B, which is darker with a stronger flavor. It is not much better then white or brown sugar!!! I do not recommend it !!!	1 % complex carbohydrates	96 % sucrose
Honey is a mixture of acid secretions from the glands of honeybees and nectar from flowers. Although honey is a natural sweetener, it is considered a refined sugar because 96% of dry matter are simple sugars: fructose, glucose and sucrose. It is sweeter and higher in calories than refined white sugar. Honey does contain some B vitamins, minerals, and enzymes. However, the enzymes are generally destroyed by high heat causing the honey to lose nutritional properties when used in baking. God to use in special cures, but not as a every day food ! It is not much better then white or brown sugar!!! I do not recommend it !!!	0 % complex carbohydrates	96 % simple sugars, fructose, glucose, and sucrose
Granulated Cane Juice is made from organically grown sugar cane juice that has been filtered and dehydrated. Its a simple sugar that tastes much like brown or turbinado sugar; however, its less refined and contains more vitamins and minerals. Granulated cane juice can be used as a substitute for both white and brown sugar, but it is still rich in sucrose. It is not much better then white or brown sugar!!! I do not recommend it !!!	0 % complex carbohydrates	96 % sucrose
Molasses is a by­product of the refined white, brown, and turbinado sugars. Sweet molasses or light molasses is the liquid left after the first extraction of sugar crystals. Blackstrap molasses is the liquid left after the last extraction of sugar crystals, and has a stronger, bittersweet flavor and is richer in potassium, calcium, iron, and B­vitamins than sweet molasses. Though molasses is better than white sugar, it still contain a lot of it, so I can not recommend eating molasses. It is not much better then white or brown sugar!!! I do not recommend it !!!	0 % complex carbohydrates	96 % sucrose

Substituting One Sweetener For Another

by Don Buscher, MSN

The granulated brown rice and cane juice sweeteners are roughly equal in sweetness to refined white, brown, or turbinado sugar and can be substituted on a cup for cup basis without changing t anything else in the recipe.

When you substitute a liquid sweetener for a dry one or vice versa, you will have to adjust the recipe to end up with the right batter consistency. The chart (below) will help you modify your recipes when using natural sweeteners.

SWEETENER SUBSTITUTIONS
To replace 1 cup dry sweetener with 1 cup liquid sweetener:	reduce another liquid by 1/3 cup or add 4-5 tablespoons flour.
To replace 1 cup dry sweetener with 3/4 cup honey:	reduce another liquid by 1/4 cup or add 1/3 cup flour.
To replace 1 cup liquid sweetener with 1 cup dry sweetener:	add 1/3 cup water.
To replace 1 cup liquid sweetener with 3/4 cup honey:	add 1/4 cup water.
Note: When using thick liquid sweeteners, heat the jar in hot water for five minutes to make pouring easier and spray measuring cups with vegetable spray to prevent sticking.

Facts about White sugar consumption

The average American consumes an astounding two pounds of sugar each week, which is not surprising considering that highly refined sugars in the forms of sucrose (table sugar), dextrose (corn sugar), and high-fructose corn syrup are being processed into so many foods such as bread, breakfast cereal, ketchup, mayonnaise, peanut butter, spaghetti sauce, and a plethora of microwave meals.

Adults purchase over 50% of all chocolate sold in USA.

An average American consume 147 pounds of sweeteners each year.

Monoglycerides used in some ice creams are a possible cancer causing agent in test animals.

To the Worker

So your thinking about becoming a workaholic? Please take a sec to think about the below..

I agree that you should do a (insert career specialty here) specialty that you (think you'll) enjoy. But, how long will you enjoy a miserable lifestyle? Is the practice of 'that specialty which brings you joy' going to be *enough joy* to off-set the absence of life outside of work? Like seeing your kids play little league. Being there at your daughter's dance recital. Taking your kids to a puppet show in the middle of the week at the local library. Sleeping in late on Sunday morning, then going out to brunch, spur-of-the-moment with your wonderful family. Drinking until you're tipsy, and then having great sex with your spouse. Just having time for creative flow of energy, and silence to obtain inner peace!! These things may not be possible if you only get one day off a week...and you have a ton of basic life stuff to attend to. For the rest of your life...imagine 'not having enough time.'

Who runs your household? Grandma or mother-in-law? That may be better than a nanny, but it's still not ideal. A mom who's in her 30s - 40s is a lot more attentive, active, and better able to deal with toddlers/tweens than a grandma. Besides, Grandma has raised her kids...and now it's time for her to be a *Grandma.* It's one thing for Grandparents to be intricately involved, and to hire a nanny for supplemental support as needed. But, if they're raising your kids instead of you...you'll have to consider the consequences of that (for both you, your family, and your children).

Would you rather pay someone to be the Mommy/Daddy while you're the (career specialty person)...or would you rather be home doing the mommy/daddy thing yourself? Would you rather have other kid's fathers who have time to coach flag-football on Saturday mornings teach your son how to throw a football, or otherwise be present as the male figure in your son's life....while you're at work being the 'greatest career person ever?' It's no wonder that so many old men end up saying "Rosebud" as they lay dying, alone, on their deathbed.

You'll need to nurture your marriage, or it won't last. People (including spouses) will only tolerate so much. Even if you think your wife is "happy staying at home"...no one gets married to be alone.

You need to be present while your kids are kids. In 12-15 years, they won't need so much of your time...and a large part of your influence over them (your parental guidance) is over.

It's easy to get an ego...which is almost a requirement if you really want to survive the process of training in business (any business) . If you're to compete, and not become an emotional wreck. This translates to the rest of your life....and your personal relationships will become antagonistic. At times, the only thing in your life going as planned is...work. So you hold on to that. But, so, who are you really trying to impress? Other professionals? Your partner? Yourself? And that ego, that desire for respect and accolades, keeps 'em coming..even if it's not the right career choice.

Criteria used to decide:
*overall* figure out what's really important to you...and find a way to make those things fit together. This may mean choosing "your second favorite specialty" instead of your dream specialty...if you want a *dream life* overall!!

Work doesn't define you. You'll be disappointed if you don't understand, and clarify, this distinction. Balance doesn't just happen...you have to make informed decisions in order to achieve it.

Colon issues but NO CANCER!

So the last 3 days were crazy for me. I have gotten tests in my entire abdominal area and have come to learn that all my organs are in normal working order and size!..(even though it is still not apparent why I am still in a lot of pain and bleeding excessively from both places) :(

However, one of my fears was the possibility of having or contracting cancer but after my ultrasound yesterday it was confirmed at 10:30 this am. That I do not have any "masses" or abnormalities.

Now comes the chance with hard work in the next 20 years to keep them that way. Thank you Lord, you truly have blessed me.