Not contacting Chris today, or tomorrow or any day until he actually makes an action toward saying he wants to apologize, wants to re-build the trust and he wants to share the truth with me and is ready to do so. He knows what I want and what I need to move on. He either will or wont. Not with words, with actions.
If his actions are to "just leave it alone" or "focus in the now" as he is fond of, as they have been in the past or to ignore us and focus on himself and his desires, future, and wants, then that is his choice.
I need to let go and let God.
UPDATE - I went back on my own words. I contacted him and asked why he had not called me today. He calmly stated he was working out, was going surfing and would make food and call me back. He has not contacted me since and there has been no call. There has been no mention of him saying I am sorry. There has been no bringing up the issue I told him was important to me. I think realistically, this is a person who may think he loves me but just doesn't love me enough to care when he hurts me or hopes that I will forget and that it will just go away. This person is too consumed with themselves to be with me and to rebuild anything they have destroyed.
I do not know why I continue to do this to myself? I keep trying to fix things and I am with someone who hurts me without remorse and just continues to talk, talk, talk and not back up their actions. I should not have to remind someone they hurt me and force them to apologize or want to work things out. I should not always have to be the one bringing up things that are important to me TIME AFTER TIME. IF I AM IMPORTANT TO THEM, THEY WOULD WANT TO DO THESE THINGS.
I really hate feeling this way. I think God is telling me that no, this is not the one and that I need to let this go. It's time to listen, because truly I have been unable to do this on my own. My forgiveness time and again has allowed this person to keep hurting me. I do not think this is what Jesus would want or God. I pray God gives me the strength to let go. Please help me to let go Lord.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Invalidation
Last night a friend was upset and I tried to calm him through it, used words to "cheer him" up, and/or just quietly listen to him, I offered "advice" or so I thought, but he was very sad, felt worthless and hopeless and like a failure and just did not want to talk and felt really bad. So much so that he just wanted to isolate and based on the things I said (I reread them) he possibly wanted to isolate more. No wonder he wanted to smoke. No one likes to feel that way! I was in essence at first telling him to get over it, it isnt so bad, and that he should not feel that way! I didn't know it at the time though. He wanted to get high and run away from it but thought the better for himself. I am so proud of him for this.
However, I realized after reading the below info, I did not help the situation and I very often do this invalidation with my language and he does it to me. Wow! He needed something from me that I have never received myself, real validation of those bad feelings of his. Even though I have never received this and have heard the below most of my life, I went to him last night intent on validating him from this point on. Telling him I understand why and how he would feel that way and that if he wanted to talk about it I would listen. I left it at that.
I was able to give validation to him only AFTER I actually put myself there (and tried to understand his actual feeling) and understood the concept I realized it then and there. However, I think it was too late for that time but now that I know it, I can try to make sure it does not happen again. That i dont let anyone do that to me anymore and that I also don't do it to someone else. People do this to kids ALL THE FUCKING TIME then wonder why we're like this when we grow up.
http://eqi.org/invalid.htm#The%20Invalidating%20Couple
Invalidation in apologies - http://1stholistic.com/Reading/health/health-im-sorry-blame-game-or-accountability.htm
Here are some excerpts - one by one they don't hurt but taken together and over time..
they are demoralizing and hurtful to someone who is already hurting. They crush and destroy people and relationships. This is also categorized under "verbal abuse".
Examples of invalidating expressions. --> Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.
"Ordering" You to Feel Differently
Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself (Source)
Stop taking everything so personally
Ordering you to "look" differently
Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.
Denying Your Perception, Defending
You've got it all wrong.
But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you. (but I am listening to you)
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.
That's not how things are.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
It's not going to happen
Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You
I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....
You are making everyone else miserable. (Source)
Trying to Isolate You
You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?
Minimizing Your Feelings
You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
There's nothing wrong with you. (Source)
Using Reason
There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....
Debating
I don't always do that.
It's not that bad. (that far, that heavy, that hot, that serious, etc.)
Judging & Labeling You
You are a cry baby.
You have a problem.
You are too sensitive.
You are over-reacting. You are too thin-skinned.
You are way too emotional.
You are an insensitive jerk. .
You need to get your head examined!
You are impossible to talk to.
You are impossible.
You are hopeless.
Turning Things Around
You are making a big deal out of nothing.
You are blowing this way out of proportion.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill.
Trying to get you to question yourself
What is your problem?
What's wrong with you?
What's the matter with you?
Why can't you just get over it?
Why do you always have to ....?
Is that all you can do, complain?
Why are you making such a big deal over it?
What's wrong with you, can't you take a joke?
How can you let a little thing like that bother you?
Don't you think you are being a little dramatic?
Do you really think that crying about it is going to help anything?
Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act
You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.
Defending The Other Person
Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.
Negating, Denial & Confusion
Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)
Sarcasm and Mocking
Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?
Laying Guilt Trips
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?
Philosophizing Or Clichés
Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.
Talking about you when you can hear it
She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.
Showing Intolerance
This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.
Trying to Control How Long You Feel Something, or Judging You for How Long You Feel It
Are you still upset over that? It happened a long time ago. You should be over that by now.
Explanations
Maybe it is because...
That is because
Of course, because you.... (This one hurts four ways. First, the "of course" minimizes what you feel, second the "because" explains what you feel, as if explaining it nullifies the feeling, third the "you" blames you and fourth, blaming you is a form of attack which is likely to make you feel either defensive or guilt-tripped or both.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When your awareness rises, you'll begin to notice such comments on a regular basis. Together, they take their toll on us. We wonder if there is something wrong with us for feeling how we do. It seems fair to say that with enough invalidation, one person can figuratively, if not literally, drive another person crazy. This is especially possible, I believe, in the case where one person has long-term power over another. Examples of such relationships are parent/child, teacher/child, "spiritual" leader/follower, boss/employee, spouse A/spouse B. Such a sad scenario appears to be even more likely when the person being invalidated is highly sensitive, intelligent and has previously suffered self-esteem damage.
The more sensitive the person, the more serious the damage of invalidation. Invalidation undermines self-confidence because it causes self-doubt. This in turn further diminishes self-esteem. Invalidation is serious violation of one's "true self." I believe it is one of the worst crimes one person can commit against another without ever lifting a finger against them. And yet it is neither illegal, "immoral" by most who consider themselves moralists, nor even widely recognized as a problem.
HERE IS HOW TO VALIDATE SOMEONE
No one likes to hear things like "don't let it get to you"...or "don't let her / him get to you"....or "you need to just 'get over' this"....etc. If solutions were that easy, don't you think we'd all do them? And I've also noticed that the very people who tell me this will also eventually deal with frustrating things, and they don't follow their own advice. See, it's different when something happens to THEM.....but not when it's me.
It's easier said than done....how does one not let things get to them? If they are upset, obviously, it's bothering them. They can't just 'dismiss' their feelings on a whim. How do you feel when someone says that to you?
Then there's the other side of the coin...the friends who do not know what to say and do, so, they avoid their friend altogether...the friend in pain. Well, you don't need to say or do anything...just 'be there' for them. They do not expect special words and solutions....they only want to know you care.
I don't care how much time passes or what a person tells themselves....you never 'get over'...you merely learn to live with it...live around it....cope with it. No amount of grieving, then or now, will take away every pain or fill the void. Time will allow us to continue our lives while we accept.
Accepting loss does not mean we are not allowed to grieve...No one has the right to tell you to put it so far back behind you, that you no longer feel the loss. It will always be there.
Being able to live with this loss does not mean that you are not allowed to visit those very painful memories. Just because you can still cry about anything does not mean you have not gone on with your life..and that somehow, once you are past the initial hurt and tears, that to re-visit those feelings will be wrong and damaging. And anyone who tells you anything different ...well, they are not being realistic.
Why is it that when a person feels momentarily sad, their friends think it's their cue to stop them from feeling and grieving? Who in the world told them that was healthy? When did they become an expert at how long a person should grieve, and feel, and cry and remember? And just because I do cry from time to time over something, that does not mean that for the rest of my life, each and every day, I will sit and cry, just like this, forever...and that I have ruined my life..forever. Allow me to be sad, just as you would welcome and allow me to be happy..I need it.
My telling someone of an event or something that I am going through, does not mean it's their cue to try to 'solve my problem'...I didn't ask for advice or ask how to grieve.
I have the RIGHT to grieve and cry and 'feel' any emotions I ever have in ANY event in MY life. No one has the right to rob me of my right to express myself or to grieve..to do what "I" need to do in order to continue on with my life.
If your friend is hurting..if they are angry at someone, if they have to make a decision that they feel is in the best interest of them, LET THEM DO IT..let them feel it..validate what they are going through. Just because YOU can't feel it in the same way or maybe not 'see it' in the same way, does not mean that YOU get to take it away from your friend....who "IS" feeling that way. You need to respect what your FRIEND feels. This does not mean your friend is wrong..'feelings' are not wrong! The feelings are based on your friend's life experiences...not yours.
What if you are the kind of person who is in denial of things around you...trying to look at things through 'rose colored glasses'...and your friend doesn't you cannot expect your friend to put on your 'special glasses' and pretend that their pain doesn't exist, or that nothing is wrong, just because it would be easier for YOU to deal with. Maybe that works for you...but I doubt it...it will come out eventually, in one way or another. I try to avoid that by dealing with it now, not later.
And it will still hurt later, but not with the same intensity. That does not mean I didn't do something right...it just means that it was a painful event in my life that I will forever feel as long as I am alive, just not with the same intensity. You do grow with, and from, your experiences.
If you can't deal with your friend's pain and frustration, then maybe it's best that you say nothing at all..it's certainly better to say nothing than to make your friend feel worse. They probably aren't asking you for a solution anyway. Why hurt them worse?
I'm sure that if your friend needs or asks advice, it would be a different story. I'm just talking about those people who like to immediately step in and tell a hurting person to suppress their feelings.
They see and feel what they see and feel, and unless they have been diagnosed with a mental illness that causes hallucinations and 'voices' don't be so quick to 'dismiss' them. They may be more grounded in reality than you are.-and YOU are the one who may need the advice when it's all said and done. Your friend is trying to deal with reality, what is real...
Please do NOT see it as your cue to 'fix' them or tell them that they "should feel this way" or that they "should not feel that way". They feel as they do because of their own life's experiences....not based on your life's experiences. It does not have to make sense to YOU or even be real to YOU...it does not have to be felt by YOU, in order to validate what your FRIEND is feeling.
Being 'strong' for your friend does not mean you have to solve their problems or give them answers. Just be there to 'listen'....they may not even need to talk to you about it, but feel close enough to you to share it and if you give them the hurtful advice/words that I mentioned on this page, you are going to alienate them from you.
You may help them, upon hearing them explain their situation, to even agree that 'you can understand how and why they would feel that way', even if YOUR OWN thoughts are different...try to understand the way THEY are seeing it.
To your friend, all of what they are feeling is very real and very painful....it's affecting their life.
As a great friend, all you need to do is just lend a listening ear....'be there' for them....don't try to make them look at it differently. If that needs to be done, they will do it on their own, you can't rush it. They have to see their OWN way through.
If you take it as your cue to minimize their situation, 'make excuses' for their enemies, or the ones who are hurting them and causing them grief, what you are now doing is making them feel defensive - they already feel bad enough, but now they have to further frustrate the situation by defending their feelings and emotions to you.
So, while they try, once again, to tell you why they are hurting, you have just sent them on a detour of the path they are on....now they have to get it all past YOU. And, not only are they upset at the original situation, now they feel alienated and unsupported by you, their friend...the person they just needed to talk to.
And the more you try to get them to see it a different way, the worse it will get. They have to see those things for themselves, "if" it's something they can ever do to begin with. Again, not on YOUR schedule. They, most likely, know more about the situation than you do, give them the benefit of the doubt.
No one expects you to have a clever saying....no one has the answers or the solutions. Each person has to work through their own pain....they can't hurry things along on YOUR schedule, just because you don't want this to be happening to them. The worst thing you can do is minimize what they are dealing with....that just makes them feel even more isolated. If I really want to get some advice from, I'll ask for it....and so will your other friends.
It' s a real pain, whether it's an animal or a human, it hurts. There are memories associated with the pet...a routine....pictures....little treasures that will forever remind them that the person, place, memory, thing is gone. Please be respectful of that. Everyone needs time. And when the time is right, they may be able to open their hearts. Again, this is on THEIR schedule, not yours.
Nothing anyone says will make it go away. Nothing will make a friend in pain feel better, except for the words "I'll be right here for you if you need to talk". Be a friend...
However, I realized after reading the below info, I did not help the situation and I very often do this invalidation with my language and he does it to me. Wow! He needed something from me that I have never received myself, real validation of those bad feelings of his. Even though I have never received this and have heard the below most of my life, I went to him last night intent on validating him from this point on. Telling him I understand why and how he would feel that way and that if he wanted to talk about it I would listen. I left it at that.
I was able to give validation to him only AFTER I actually put myself there (and tried to understand his actual feeling) and understood the concept I realized it then and there. However, I think it was too late for that time but now that I know it, I can try to make sure it does not happen again. That i dont let anyone do that to me anymore and that I also don't do it to someone else. People do this to kids ALL THE FUCKING TIME then wonder why we're like this when we grow up.
http://eqi.org/invalid.htm#The%20Invalidating%20Couple
Invalidation in apologies - http://1stholistic.com/Reading/health/health-im-sorry-blame-game-or-accountability.htm
Here are some excerpts - one by one they don't hurt but taken together and over time..
they are demoralizing and hurtful to someone who is already hurting. They crush and destroy people and relationships. This is also categorized under "verbal abuse".
Examples of invalidating expressions. --> Each is an attempt to talk you out of your feelings.
"Ordering" You to Feel Differently
Smile.
Be happy.
Cheer up
Lighten up.
Get over it.
Grow up
Get a life
Don't cry.
Don't worry.
Don't be sad.
Stop whining
Stop laughing..
Don't get angry
Deal with it.
Give it a rest.
Forget about it.
Stop complaining.
Don't be so dramatic.
Don't be so sensitive.
Stop being so emotional.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself (Source)
Stop taking everything so personally
Ordering you to "look" differently
Don't look so sad.
Don't look so smug.
Don't look so down.
Don't look like that.
Don't make that face.
Don't look so serious.
Don't look so proud of yourself.
Don't look so pleased with yourself.
Denying Your Perception, Defending
You've got it all wrong.
But of course I respect you.
But I do listen to you. (but I am listening to you)
That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)
I was only kidding.
That's not the way things are.
That's not how things are.
I honestly don't judge you as much as you think.
It's not going to happen
Trying to Make You Feel Guilty While Invalidating You
I tried to help you..
At least I .....
At least you....
You are making everyone else miserable. (Source)
Trying to Isolate You
You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?
Minimizing Your Feelings
You must be kidding.
You can't be serious.
It can't be that bad.
Your life can't be that bad.
You are just ... (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)
It's nothing to get upset over.
It's not worth getting that upset over.
There's nothing wrong with you. (Source)
Using Reason
There is no reason to get upset.
You are not being rational.
But it doesn't make any sense to feel that way.
Let's look at the facts.
Let's stick to the facts.
But if you really think about it....
Debating
I don't always do that.
It's not that bad. (that far, that heavy, that hot, that serious, etc.)
Judging & Labeling You
You are a cry baby.
You have a problem.
You are too sensitive.
You are over-reacting. You are too thin-skinned.
You are way too emotional.
You are an insensitive jerk. .
You need to get your head examined!
You are impossible to talk to.
You are impossible.
You are hopeless.
Turning Things Around
You are making a big deal out of nothing.
You are blowing this way out of proportion.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill.
Trying to get you to question yourself
What is your problem?
What's wrong with you?
What's the matter with you?
Why can't you just get over it?
Why do you always have to ....?
Is that all you can do, complain?
Why are you making such a big deal over it?
What's wrong with you, can't you take a joke?
How can you let a little thing like that bother you?
Don't you think you are being a little dramatic?
Do you really think that crying about it is going to help anything?
Telling You How You "Should" Feel or Act
You should be excited.
You should be thrilled.
You should feel guilty.
You should feel thankful that...
You should be happy that ....
You should be glad that ...
You should just drop it.
You shouldn't worry so much.
You shouldn't let it bother you.
You should just forget about it.
You should feel ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't wear your heart out on your sleeve.
You shouldn't say that about your father.
Defending The Other Person
Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I am sure she didn't mean it like that.
You just took it wrong.
I am sure she means well.
Negating, Denial & Confusion
Now you know that isn't true.
You don't mean that. You know you love your baby brother.
You don't really mean that. You are just ... (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)
Sarcasm and Mocking
Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
What did you think? The world was created to serve you?
What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?
Laying Guilt Trips
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?
Philosophizing Or Clichés
Time heals all wounds.
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Life is full of pain and pleasure.
In time you will understand this.
When you are older you will understand
You are just going through a phase.
Everything has its reasons.
Everything is just the way it is supposed to be.
Talking about you when you can hear it
She is impossible to talk to.
You can't say anything to her.
Showing Intolerance
This is getting really old.
This is getting really pathetic.
I am sick of hearing about it.
Trying to Control How Long You Feel Something, or Judging You for How Long You Feel It
Are you still upset over that? It happened a long time ago. You should be over that by now.
Explanations
Maybe it is because...
That is because
Of course, because you.... (This one hurts four ways. First, the "of course" minimizes what you feel, second the "because" explains what you feel, as if explaining it nullifies the feeling, third the "you" blames you and fourth, blaming you is a form of attack which is likely to make you feel either defensive or guilt-tripped or both.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When your awareness rises, you'll begin to notice such comments on a regular basis. Together, they take their toll on us. We wonder if there is something wrong with us for feeling how we do. It seems fair to say that with enough invalidation, one person can figuratively, if not literally, drive another person crazy. This is especially possible, I believe, in the case where one person has long-term power over another. Examples of such relationships are parent/child, teacher/child, "spiritual" leader/follower, boss/employee, spouse A/spouse B. Such a sad scenario appears to be even more likely when the person being invalidated is highly sensitive, intelligent and has previously suffered self-esteem damage.
The more sensitive the person, the more serious the damage of invalidation. Invalidation undermines self-confidence because it causes self-doubt. This in turn further diminishes self-esteem. Invalidation is serious violation of one's "true self." I believe it is one of the worst crimes one person can commit against another without ever lifting a finger against them. And yet it is neither illegal, "immoral" by most who consider themselves moralists, nor even widely recognized as a problem.
HERE IS HOW TO VALIDATE SOMEONE
No one likes to hear things like "don't let it get to you"...or "don't let her / him get to you"....or "you need to just 'get over' this"....etc. If solutions were that easy, don't you think we'd all do them? And I've also noticed that the very people who tell me this will also eventually deal with frustrating things, and they don't follow their own advice. See, it's different when something happens to THEM.....but not when it's me.
It's easier said than done....how does one not let things get to them? If they are upset, obviously, it's bothering them. They can't just 'dismiss' their feelings on a whim. How do you feel when someone says that to you?
Then there's the other side of the coin...the friends who do not know what to say and do, so, they avoid their friend altogether...the friend in pain. Well, you don't need to say or do anything...just 'be there' for them. They do not expect special words and solutions....they only want to know you care.
I don't care how much time passes or what a person tells themselves....you never 'get over'...you merely learn to live with it...live around it....cope with it. No amount of grieving, then or now, will take away every pain or fill the void. Time will allow us to continue our lives while we accept.
Accepting loss does not mean we are not allowed to grieve...No one has the right to tell you to put it so far back behind you, that you no longer feel the loss. It will always be there.
Being able to live with this loss does not mean that you are not allowed to visit those very painful memories. Just because you can still cry about anything does not mean you have not gone on with your life..and that somehow, once you are past the initial hurt and tears, that to re-visit those feelings will be wrong and damaging. And anyone who tells you anything different ...well, they are not being realistic.
Why is it that when a person feels momentarily sad, their friends think it's their cue to stop them from feeling and grieving? Who in the world told them that was healthy? When did they become an expert at how long a person should grieve, and feel, and cry and remember? And just because I do cry from time to time over something, that does not mean that for the rest of my life, each and every day, I will sit and cry, just like this, forever...and that I have ruined my life..forever. Allow me to be sad, just as you would welcome and allow me to be happy..I need it.
My telling someone of an event or something that I am going through, does not mean it's their cue to try to 'solve my problem'...I didn't ask for advice or ask how to grieve.
I have the RIGHT to grieve and cry and 'feel' any emotions I ever have in ANY event in MY life. No one has the right to rob me of my right to express myself or to grieve..to do what "I" need to do in order to continue on with my life.
If your friend is hurting..if they are angry at someone, if they have to make a decision that they feel is in the best interest of them, LET THEM DO IT..let them feel it..validate what they are going through. Just because YOU can't feel it in the same way or maybe not 'see it' in the same way, does not mean that YOU get to take it away from your friend....who "IS" feeling that way. You need to respect what your FRIEND feels. This does not mean your friend is wrong..'feelings' are not wrong! The feelings are based on your friend's life experiences...not yours.
What if you are the kind of person who is in denial of things around you...trying to look at things through 'rose colored glasses'...and your friend doesn't you cannot expect your friend to put on your 'special glasses' and pretend that their pain doesn't exist, or that nothing is wrong, just because it would be easier for YOU to deal with. Maybe that works for you...but I doubt it...it will come out eventually, in one way or another. I try to avoid that by dealing with it now, not later.
And it will still hurt later, but not with the same intensity. That does not mean I didn't do something right...it just means that it was a painful event in my life that I will forever feel as long as I am alive, just not with the same intensity. You do grow with, and from, your experiences.
If you can't deal with your friend's pain and frustration, then maybe it's best that you say nothing at all..it's certainly better to say nothing than to make your friend feel worse. They probably aren't asking you for a solution anyway. Why hurt them worse?
I'm sure that if your friend needs or asks advice, it would be a different story. I'm just talking about those people who like to immediately step in and tell a hurting person to suppress their feelings.
They see and feel what they see and feel, and unless they have been diagnosed with a mental illness that causes hallucinations and 'voices' don't be so quick to 'dismiss' them. They may be more grounded in reality than you are.-and YOU are the one who may need the advice when it's all said and done. Your friend is trying to deal with reality, what is real...
Please do NOT see it as your cue to 'fix' them or tell them that they "should feel this way" or that they "should not feel that way". They feel as they do because of their own life's experiences....not based on your life's experiences. It does not have to make sense to YOU or even be real to YOU...it does not have to be felt by YOU, in order to validate what your FRIEND is feeling.
Being 'strong' for your friend does not mean you have to solve their problems or give them answers. Just be there to 'listen'....they may not even need to talk to you about it, but feel close enough to you to share it and if you give them the hurtful advice/words that I mentioned on this page, you are going to alienate them from you.
You may help them, upon hearing them explain their situation, to even agree that 'you can understand how and why they would feel that way', even if YOUR OWN thoughts are different...try to understand the way THEY are seeing it.
To your friend, all of what they are feeling is very real and very painful....it's affecting their life.
As a great friend, all you need to do is just lend a listening ear....'be there' for them....don't try to make them look at it differently. If that needs to be done, they will do it on their own, you can't rush it. They have to see their OWN way through.
If you take it as your cue to minimize their situation, 'make excuses' for their enemies, or the ones who are hurting them and causing them grief, what you are now doing is making them feel defensive - they already feel bad enough, but now they have to further frustrate the situation by defending their feelings and emotions to you.
So, while they try, once again, to tell you why they are hurting, you have just sent them on a detour of the path they are on....now they have to get it all past YOU. And, not only are they upset at the original situation, now they feel alienated and unsupported by you, their friend...the person they just needed to talk to.
And the more you try to get them to see it a different way, the worse it will get. They have to see those things for themselves, "if" it's something they can ever do to begin with. Again, not on YOUR schedule. They, most likely, know more about the situation than you do, give them the benefit of the doubt.
No one expects you to have a clever saying....no one has the answers or the solutions. Each person has to work through their own pain....they can't hurry things along on YOUR schedule, just because you don't want this to be happening to them. The worst thing you can do is minimize what they are dealing with....that just makes them feel even more isolated. If I really want to get some advice from, I'll ask for it....and so will your other friends.
It' s a real pain, whether it's an animal or a human, it hurts. There are memories associated with the pet...a routine....pictures....little treasures that will forever remind them that the person, place, memory, thing is gone. Please be respectful of that. Everyone needs time. And when the time is right, they may be able to open their hearts. Again, this is on THEIR schedule, not yours.
Nothing anyone says will make it go away. Nothing will make a friend in pain feel better, except for the words "I'll be right here for you if you need to talk". Be a friend...
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Mo' Blessings
7/19/08
I am grateful that I am wise enough to accept God's will for me
I am grateful for the sun that shines on me
I am grateful for prayer and chances to give Jesus and God glory
I am grateful for Chris's honesty with me about his past (should he choose an "us")
I am grateful about seeing progress in my life however slowly it seems to me
I am grateful for church and today's sermon on life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in God's kingdom as opposed to temporary American ideals
I am grateful for my hearts health
I am grateful I can still walk, breathe and help others
I am grateful for life lessons on trust, boundaries, commitments and selfless love
I am grateful for the opportunity to learn from my mistakes through consequence
I am grateful for my faith
I am grateful for my family
My prayers have been answered in regards to Chris (though we do not know if we are ever going to be together), my family and meeting new people. I am proceeding with caution and love in all things...
As I watched my videos with him in them and the time frames that they were in (remembering our past) I realize what a asshole to me he was a lot of the time when I was so obviously nice to him and how much I would not like him if I hadn't already loved/fell for him.
However, that is the past. He is working on changes so we will see how that pans out for him and us overall. I will keep no record of those wrongs or bring these things up to him. I do still care for him very much and hope the best for him. I look at a sea of other men and wonder will one day one of these be my new "love"? I have had many...so many. It would be great if he could be my last and it last.
My goals for this year are: (in no order)
get my degree (in what? I don't know yet..)
go to Europe
missionary work - helping others abroad
learn a new language
create another music album
sell another jingle/commercial
spend time with family
determine who I am, what I want, and find my life's path and GO FOR IT, HARDCORE once I do.
I am grateful that I am wise enough to accept God's will for me
I am grateful for the sun that shines on me
I am grateful for prayer and chances to give Jesus and God glory
I am grateful for Chris's honesty with me about his past (should he choose an "us")
I am grateful about seeing progress in my life however slowly it seems to me
I am grateful for church and today's sermon on life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in God's kingdom as opposed to temporary American ideals
I am grateful for my hearts health
I am grateful I can still walk, breathe and help others
I am grateful for life lessons on trust, boundaries, commitments and selfless love
I am grateful for the opportunity to learn from my mistakes through consequence
I am grateful for my faith
I am grateful for my family
My prayers have been answered in regards to Chris (though we do not know if we are ever going to be together), my family and meeting new people. I am proceeding with caution and love in all things...
As I watched my videos with him in them and the time frames that they were in (remembering our past) I realize what a asshole to me he was a lot of the time when I was so obviously nice to him and how much I would not like him if I hadn't already loved/fell for him.
However, that is the past. He is working on changes so we will see how that pans out for him and us overall. I will keep no record of those wrongs or bring these things up to him. I do still care for him very much and hope the best for him. I look at a sea of other men and wonder will one day one of these be my new "love"? I have had many...so many. It would be great if he could be my last and it last.
My goals for this year are: (in no order)
get my degree (in what? I don't know yet..)
go to Europe
missionary work - helping others abroad
learn a new language
create another music album
sell another jingle/commercial
spend time with family
determine who I am, what I want, and find my life's path and GO FOR IT, HARDCORE once I do.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Kinda feeling down
I have not smoked a cigarette in like 4 days and its getting to me. I am feeling irritable. I am also job hunting in which I am being rejected at every turn. Fun times. Not really, not at all. I am praying to God and doing the best I can.
Thinking of a healthy safe pick me up to engage in that won't cost me a lot of money today.
Oh and my back is hurting and I am having trouble sitting, ONCE more. This is additionally frustrating because I don't understand how this all keeps happening and for what purpose yet? It seems once I begin to get better something happens (physically) that will push me back to square one with my body. Why can I not heal and get strong?
Writing helps me release feelings and frustrations, thats why I do it. One might see it as complaining however to me it is beneficial and I really don't care what another one sees it as. At least I am able to let my frustrated feelings out at all. Some people aren't, then they go on shooting sprees and wonder what they are so mad about.
I have another interview at 2pm. Part of me is quite upset today but I am going to do the best I can. I stretched today and it hurt so much. I prayed and was at a loss for words.
I am being tested. This is the time when you do not feel God's presence and you must make the choice to serve regardless. To love regardless. To do His will regardless. This is hard for me right now but I know He will never give me more than I can handle.
Here is my feelings check in for today.
How am I feeling?
sad
afraid
rejected
confused
unmotivated
nurturing
bruised
vulnerable
Why? What caused this feeling?
Sad- I feel sad becasue I still dont know what I want to do. I dont know what I am doing? Am I going backward or forward? I feel sad because I am in pain and jobless once more. WHAT DO I WANT TO DO WITH MYSELF?
Afraid- I feel afraid because I don't want to make a mistake. I dont want to keep making the same dangerous choices.
Rejected- I feel rejected because I am opening myself up and putting myself out there and I'm not finiding a job as quickly as I need to. I keep getting "No" and I am taking it personal.
Confused- As I said above. I just dont know what I'm doing right now. My plan is not working the way I wanted and I dont know how to get on track.
Unmotivated- I feel like I want to give up! Where the hell did this come from? I dont know why I am feeling this but I know its not really an option in the sense of striving. Letting go of the outcome expectation is ok right now tho.
Nurturing- I just want to care for myself right now. I want to nurse myself and be good to myself. Do healthy things and get through this with self-love. I need self-nurturing and outer supportive people.
Bruised- my body hurts. Neck, back, now arm!? Ugh. I feel weak. I feel broken, AGAIN.
Vulnerable- I need to be careful with Chris and others I let in at this time.
Not push people away but careful and very cautious. I am in a sensitive place right now, I don't need ANY abuse or controllers.
With that I am going to post silly pictures..
Thinking of a healthy safe pick me up to engage in that won't cost me a lot of money today.
Oh and my back is hurting and I am having trouble sitting, ONCE more. This is additionally frustrating because I don't understand how this all keeps happening and for what purpose yet? It seems once I begin to get better something happens (physically) that will push me back to square one with my body. Why can I not heal and get strong?
Writing helps me release feelings and frustrations, thats why I do it. One might see it as complaining however to me it is beneficial and I really don't care what another one sees it as. At least I am able to let my frustrated feelings out at all. Some people aren't, then they go on shooting sprees and wonder what they are so mad about.
I have another interview at 2pm. Part of me is quite upset today but I am going to do the best I can. I stretched today and it hurt so much. I prayed and was at a loss for words.
I am being tested. This is the time when you do not feel God's presence and you must make the choice to serve regardless. To love regardless. To do His will regardless. This is hard for me right now but I know He will never give me more than I can handle.
Here is my feelings check in for today.
How am I feeling?
sad
afraid
rejected
confused
unmotivated
nurturing
bruised
vulnerable
Why? What caused this feeling?
Sad- I feel sad becasue I still dont know what I want to do. I dont know what I am doing? Am I going backward or forward? I feel sad because I am in pain and jobless once more. WHAT DO I WANT TO DO WITH MYSELF?
Afraid- I feel afraid because I don't want to make a mistake. I dont want to keep making the same dangerous choices.
Rejected- I feel rejected because I am opening myself up and putting myself out there and I'm not finiding a job as quickly as I need to. I keep getting "No" and I am taking it personal.
Confused- As I said above. I just dont know what I'm doing right now. My plan is not working the way I wanted and I dont know how to get on track.
Unmotivated- I feel like I want to give up! Where the hell did this come from? I dont know why I am feeling this but I know its not really an option in the sense of striving. Letting go of the outcome expectation is ok right now tho.
Nurturing- I just want to care for myself right now. I want to nurse myself and be good to myself. Do healthy things and get through this with self-love. I need self-nurturing and outer supportive people.
Bruised- my body hurts. Neck, back, now arm!? Ugh. I feel weak. I feel broken, AGAIN.
Vulnerable- I need to be careful with Chris and others I let in at this time.
Not push people away but careful and very cautious. I am in a sensitive place right now, I don't need ANY abuse or controllers.
With that I am going to post silly pictures..
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
A couple thoughts before preparation
Well, I am writing to update myself and (you) on my current happenings within the brain this week. Here they are:
10)I am job hunting until I find something I really enjoy.
9) I am preparing to leave to DR.
8) I am extending my rental lease.
7) I am extending my car sublease.
6) I am going to continue writing songs.
5) I am going to keep focus on God and myself the most during this time of change.
4) Chris in moderation is great.
3) I am going to stay in CA and get my degree and prepare to move from NY.
2) I am going to continue to work on myself and attend my 12 step step study until Nov.
1) I am going to stay out of a relationship for as long as it takes to learn new things.
They are:
1) conflict management
2) past issues to resolve
3) practice loving arguments
4) confident that abuse is ended in my life
5) confidence in my own abilities and goals
6) meet someone worthy of being with me lovingly, trustworthy, and compassionately consistent.
10)I am job hunting until I find something I really enjoy.
9) I am preparing to leave to DR.
8) I am extending my rental lease.
7) I am extending my car sublease.
6) I am going to continue writing songs.
5) I am going to keep focus on God and myself the most during this time of change.
4) Chris in moderation is great.
3) I am going to stay in CA and get my degree and prepare to move from NY.
2) I am going to continue to work on myself and attend my 12 step step study until Nov.
1) I am going to stay out of a relationship for as long as it takes to learn new things.
They are:
1) conflict management
2) past issues to resolve
3) practice loving arguments
4) confident that abuse is ended in my life
5) confidence in my own abilities and goals
6) meet someone worthy of being with me lovingly, trustworthy, and compassionately consistent.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
I'm sorry
After so many times of abuse and hurt to me, I still care for this man. He was my close friend, lover, confidant, as well as my terror. I am hoping over the years he will be able to rid himself of his demons and I mine so that we can just be the first 3 someday without fear and hurt as a part of our fabric. We will be apart and learning about God and ourselves, and loving from afar with newer eyes..
I am sorry too, and I love you.
Day 1
Once again I want to call him. Will this ever end completely? There are usually things, weird things I like to share with him. I did speak to him earlier today. It seemed like I started talking excitedly about God and he said goodbye. Unless I ask him I will never know, "does this bother you? When I get excited and the way I share my feelings and talk about God?" or did you just want to/have to get off the phone?
He said he just needed to get off the phone.
Can we expect others to only feel as we deem they should and when? I think that is wrong, very wrong. I have thought about this and I am going to try to allow him to express his frustrations more. However, I will not allow him to hurt me or blame me for them. One thing is feeling something and expressing it, another is holding it in and then later dumping it all on another person. Another thing is holding it in and or getting fucked up so you don't have to feel it or take responsibility for your choices and methods. Another thing is feeling (and trying to) to control the others persons feelings so they dont feel or show what you dont want to experience within yourself. Denying their experience, feelings or reality for them with language as you secretly deny your own.
Today Eric is going to teach me how to clean our grill. I am quite excited. Can we say friendly BBQ coming up? I think I am going to begin the talk with him of where we are going in the future and is he interested in having me stay here for a longer period on a longer term contract? I will tell him of my plans to get work and go to school part time. Get those credits goin!
I do want to learn all I can about this grill and its capabilities. I am always interested in moving machine parts. Sometimes I think I really should have been a computer mechanic.
I'm not sure if I am depressed today? I don't feel particularly terrible but I read the Bible and then just.. went to sleep until 5pm. Not something I normally do...I dreamt of Brian (my other rooomate, who I am having a communication issue with) and us arguing. I'll keep an eye on all these little feelings of mine over the week. Perhaps a little endorphins light work out and walk can help with the stress part tonight.
He said he just needed to get off the phone.
Can we expect others to only feel as we deem they should and when? I think that is wrong, very wrong. I have thought about this and I am going to try to allow him to express his frustrations more. However, I will not allow him to hurt me or blame me for them. One thing is feeling something and expressing it, another is holding it in and then later dumping it all on another person. Another thing is holding it in and or getting fucked up so you don't have to feel it or take responsibility for your choices and methods. Another thing is feeling (and trying to) to control the others persons feelings so they dont feel or show what you dont want to experience within yourself. Denying their experience, feelings or reality for them with language as you secretly deny your own.
Today Eric is going to teach me how to clean our grill. I am quite excited. Can we say friendly BBQ coming up? I think I am going to begin the talk with him of where we are going in the future and is he interested in having me stay here for a longer period on a longer term contract? I will tell him of my plans to get work and go to school part time. Get those credits goin!
I do want to learn all I can about this grill and its capabilities. I am always interested in moving machine parts. Sometimes I think I really should have been a computer mechanic.
I'm not sure if I am depressed today? I don't feel particularly terrible but I read the Bible and then just.. went to sleep until 5pm. Not something I normally do...I dreamt of Brian (my other rooomate, who I am having a communication issue with) and us arguing. I'll keep an eye on all these little feelings of mine over the week. Perhaps a little endorphins light work out and walk can help with the stress part tonight.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Another 60 days
Chris wants me to not talk to him or contact him for 60 days. My thinking and hoping for an "us" hurts him, he said. He wants it to be over. He did not say that but I think that is what he wants. He said 60 days but he really meant an undecided amount of time because he does not know how long he wants to not contact me for. He said he does not want to be in my life like this. He does not want this friendship and doesn't want a relationship with me. He said he does now know why he keeps hurting me and does not want to do it anymore.
He has been reading his Bible and he has been going to my church. I am not to have anything to do with him, he requests. He wrote on his board as a reminder "S hurts you" and "S's love hurts. S's LOVE is the BEST." I saw this and ran away... I was quite hurt by this.
I am sad but he asked to pray to God when I miss him, and to speak to him through God and my prayers to Him. I believe it's Paige and the fact that he has decided we are bad for one another because she has told him this in their much spent platonic time together now. They are surfing together, playing on the beach, etc. Regardless, good for him if he is finding another outlet person to vent to, I guess.
I feel this is a line and a way to let go, its a good one. I suppose I am somewhat thankful that someone who hurt me as much as he did pushed me away so gently with kind words though I would prefer complete honesty. He says he is being honest, so...
So I am going to let him let me go and do my best to really let him go once and for all since I am now unwanted. He also said love was what he "felt" for me. Not feels. Felt.
Here is another 60 days..tonight I begin my Step 3. Gave our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood him. I will pontificate on this after my meeting.
He has been reading his Bible and he has been going to my church. I am not to have anything to do with him, he requests. He wrote on his board as a reminder "S hurts you" and "S's love hurts. S's LOVE is the BEST." I saw this and ran away... I was quite hurt by this.
I am sad but he asked to pray to God when I miss him, and to speak to him through God and my prayers to Him. I believe it's Paige and the fact that he has decided we are bad for one another because she has told him this in their much spent platonic time together now. They are surfing together, playing on the beach, etc. Regardless, good for him if he is finding another outlet person to vent to, I guess.
I feel this is a line and a way to let go, its a good one. I suppose I am somewhat thankful that someone who hurt me as much as he did pushed me away so gently with kind words though I would prefer complete honesty. He says he is being honest, so...
So I am going to let him let me go and do my best to really let him go once and for all since I am now unwanted. He also said love was what he "felt" for me. Not feels. Felt.
Here is another 60 days..tonight I begin my Step 3. Gave our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood him. I will pontificate on this after my meeting.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Arguements and Testing
holy crap.. what an eye opening test I just took! As I answered honestly I realized some faults I have with arguing. I'm going to need to really work on some of these.
Arguing Style Test
this is a 5-never / 4-rarely/3-sometimes/2-often/1-most of the time
1. Even if I don’t intend to, I raise my voice when I get upset. 3
2. I refuse to be the first one to apologize after a fight. 3
3. When I argue with others, I allow old grudges to resurface. 2
4. After an argument, I am left with bitter feelings. 3
5. When I argue with my partner, we end up fighting over something completely different than what we started with. 3
6. I swear at my partner when I get upset. 3
7. I focus on finding a solution that will benefit both of us. 4
8. When my partner makes a valid point, I let him or her know that I agree. 2
9. When arguing, I focus my criticisms on what I think my partner has done wrong, not on him or her as a person. 4
10. When I realize that I was wrong, I admit it to my partner. 1
1 Completely true/ 2Mostly true/ 3Somewhat true/false /4 Mostlyfalse / 5Comp false
11. When we fight, I feel like I need to win. 3
12. I get defensive when my partner tells his or her side of the story. 3
13. When arguing, I prefer bringing up all the issues that are bothering me, rather than resolve them one at a time. 2
14. I tell my partner what s/he needs to do in order to fix her/his problems. 2
15. During an argument, I attack where I know it hurts. 4
16. When I am really hurt, I focus my attack on something I know my partner really cares about. 4
17. When I feel that my partner's arguments are not making any sense, I try to show her/him how ridiculous they are. 4
18. I get so furious during arguments that it is difficult to think straight. 4
19. When arguing, I bring up old issues that have already been resolved. 2
20. When we argue, I point out my partner's character flaws. 2
this is a 5-almost never/ 4-rarely/3-sometimes/2-often/1-most of the time
21. When we argue, I attempt to find common ground before exploring the differences in our opinion. 4
22. When arguing, I ask my partner for her/his side of the story. 2
23. When the argument gets heated, I suggest a temporary cease-fire, a break to calm down. 3
24. Our arguments solve the issues we fight about. 4
25. When the argument is over, we make up right away. 4
26. I suggest several possible solutions to the problem. 3
27. When we argue, I focus only on one topic at a time. 4
28. I follow up with my partner after an argument to see if he or she is still happy with the outcome. 5
29. If there is something that bothers me greatly about our relationship, I let my partner know. 2
1 Completely true/ 2Mostly true/ 3Somewhat true/false /4 Mostlyfalse / 5Comp false
30. I encourage my partner to tell me what is bothering him/her about my behavior.4
31. I rephrase, in my own words, my partner's complaints to make sure that I understand correctly what s/he is saying. 4
32. I assure my partner that our relationship is stable despite the fight. 3
33. I validate my partner's feelings, even if I don't agree with her/his arguments. 3
34. I am understanding when my partner becomes emotional during an argument. 4
35. I feel that there can be a right way and a wrong way to fight. 1
36. I believe that my partner and I come out better people after a fight. 4
37. I think that sometimes it is necessary to fight. 3
38. My partner and I have talked about the way we fight. 4
39. I view arguments as a means to learn and grow. 4
40. I believe that, in general, arguments and fights are bad for relationships. 2
41. I believe that it is healthier to fight than to bottle up negative feelings.2
42. After an argument, I feel relieved to have gotten everything out in the
open. 2
43. I make an effort to understand my partner’s arguing style. 5
SCORE 39
Unfortunately, you usually don’t engage in arguing behaviors that could help end a fight quickly and satisfactorily for both parties. This likely draws fights out longer than necessary because of misunderstandings. By listening carefully, rephrasing what is said, looking for solutions and apologizing, you can begin to communicate more effectively with your partner. These tactics can serve to reassure your partner that you’re working together towards a common goal. Couples who rely on positive tactics when fighting improve their overall satisfaction with their relationship and are more likely to stay together.
Arguing is an indication of wanting to communicate something, usually something close to one’s heart. While many issues can be resolved through peaceful discussion, other conflicts can provoke anger, defensiveness, resentment and other strong emotions. In a long-term relationship, it is nearly impossible to avoid hurt feelings, misunderstanding and conflict. A couple can slip into old inefficient patterns every time they start arguing about an important issue. Thankfully, everyone can learn how to communicate and solve conflicts efficiently in order to achieve mutual understanding, fulfillment and deep intimacy.
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When Your Partner Isn't Perfect
Depending on what kind of lens you are looking through, a flaw is a flaw only when you want it to be.
What if my partner is flawed? Everyone asks this question at some point. Really, it's hard to avoid. After the romance is long over and the business of life settles in, we start to see things that annoy us. The way he eats peanut butter straight out of the jar, the way he snorts when he laughs, even the way he walks or talks or keeps his office.
Ooh, it's so irritating. Once considered cute, these quirks are pushing you to the door. You want to call it quits unless someone changes.
The "flawed" partner is not to be confused with a bad partner. What is the difference between the two? Sure, there are partners who are hurtful - the angry, the self-destructive, the physically violent and verbally abusive. A bad partner thinks you are the cause of all his suffering. A bad partner blames and generally mistreats you. He is depressed/stressed/in trouble financially because of you, etc. Granted, a bad relationship is a bad relationship, and you know when you are in one. So please, do yourself a favor and get out now.
Now, back to the "flawed." Let's start by example. You have a partner who is very forgetful. He forgets to pick up the kids. He forgets his doctor's appointment. And he forgets your lunch date. For goodness sake, he even forgot to pack his clothes for that important business trip—clothes that he neatly stacked on the bed but didn't put in the suitcase.
How could he possibly love you if he forgets everything so easily? You are at your wits end and you're ready to leave unless he changes. Let's look at this from different points of view. From anger: He must be an idiot. This is such an important business trip and he plain forgot his clothes. If it weren't for you, he would have gotten fired by now. How could he be so thoughtless?
Now it's time to try another viewpoint, suggests Byron Katie in her book, I Need Your Love-Is That True? (Harmony, 2005). From compassion: You noticed something very funny: your partner left his clothes neatly stacked on the bed. Well, you hand him the clothes. Without your goading, he feels pretty stupid on his own. Then again, he needs new clothes anyway.
It's easy to point the angry finger of blame and say: "he needs to change." But anger only clouds the real issues. Whether or not you end up leaving a relationship, it's better to make decisions when you can see clearly.
Depending on what kind of lens you are looking through, a flaw is a flaw only when you want it to be. Here's the important part: Instead of trying to work on your partner and change him, work on yourself first. You'll probably discover that his flaws are not so flawed. You'll also see that the person who needs to change is you.
So stop working on him and start working on you.
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The Art of the Argument
How to fight clean—and have a productive argument, not a pointless row.
Why Can't You Shut Up? How We Ruin Relationships—How Not To
By: Anthony Wolf, Ph.D. (Ballantine)
The Promise
Fight clean: Disagree without bickering, sniping, yelling, rehashing or destroying your relationship.
One of the greatest threats to satisfying relationships, says Anthony Wolf, a practicing clinical psychologist, is our overwhelming need to be right when we disagree. This innate characteristic, which he defines as our "baby self," can damage or destroy relationships, especially with those closest to us. In his latest book, Why Can't You Shut Up? How We Ruin Relationships—How Not To, Wolf shows how we go wrong: by not letting go when we're not getting our way.
The Test
I decided to try out Wolf's theories on a recent dispute with my wife. Our children, ages 7 and 10, love watching television. If allowed, they'd sit in front of the set until their brains melted. While I try to get them to stick to time limits, my wife is more lax about enforcing these rules. I worry they're becoming TV addicts and she thinks I should cut them some slack.
But then she started letting them watch American Idol, which meant they stayed up past bedtime two school nights a week. Rather than a levelheaded conversation addressing this particular difference of opinion, the disagreement escalated into a nasty spat that dragged in other conflicts and past grievances. Filled with righteousness, I wanted not only to prove her guilty of this offense, but also of other outstanding crimes and misdemeanors, such as covert adjustments to various household budgets, using her car as a moving trash bin and helping the kids think of chocolate as a kind of daily vitamin.
Wolf's advice is to stay on subject. This was about our children and TV, not whether she overindulges them or I'm too strict or who needs more therapy. So we both had to resist claiming who was right and who was wrong, which he says is a lose/lose situation.
When my wife and I focused on the issue at hand, we realized we're both concerned about the kids turning into tube zombies. We agreed to have them watch most of their favorite programs on TiVo, eliminating commercials and cutting viewing time by 25 percent.
Wolf also says it's not always necessary to resolve an argument, but that it must end—that is to say, it's essential to let it drop. My wife and I both had to let go of the tempting but unproductive desire to get in the last word. Instead, we made sure that we each got to speak our mind. After that, the discussion was over.
While we haven't totally resolved this issue, we've had our say, listened and then disengaged. Wolf reminds us that successful arguing isn't about being right as much as feeling all right about the outcome.
The Verdict
Wolf offers helpful insights (along with wry humor) on managing our closest relationships. Although there aren't any major revelations, you can't really argue with such practical advice.
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Great Expectations
Has the quest to find the perfect soul mate done more harm than good? Psychologists provide insight into how the never-ending search for ideal love can keep you from enjoying a marriage or a healthy relationship that you already have.
By: Polly Shulman
Marriage is dead! The twin vises of church and law have relaxed their grip on matrimony. We've been liberated from the grim obligation to stay in a poisonous or abusive marriage for the sake of the kids or for appearances. The divorce rate has stayed constant at nearly 50 percent for the last two decades. The ease with which we enter and dissolve unions makes marriage seem like a prime-time spectator sport, whether it's Britney Spears in Vegas or bimbos chasing after the Bachelor.
Long live the new marriage! We once prized the institution for the practical pairing of a cash-producing father and a home-building mother. Now we want it all—a partner who reflects our taste and status, who sees us for who we are, who loves us for all the "right" reasons, who helps us become the person we want to be. We've done away with a rigid social order, adopting instead an even more onerous obligation: the mandate to find a perfect match. Anything short of this ideal prompts us to ask: Is this all there is? Am I as happy as I should be? Could there be somebody out there who's better for me? As often as not, we answer yes to that last question and fall victim to our own great expectations.
That somebody is, of course, our soul mate, the man or woman who will counter our weaknesses, amplify our strengths and provide the unflagging support and respect that is the essence of a contemporary relationship. The reality is that few marriages or partnerships consistently live up to this ideal. The result is a commitment limbo, in which we care deeply for our partner but keep one stealthy foot out the door of our hearts. In so doing, we subject the relationship to constant review: Would I be happier, smarter, a better person with someone else? It's a painful modern quandary. "Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of the soul mate," says Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman.
Consider Jeremy, a social worker who married a businesswoman in his early twenties. He met another woman, a psychologist, at age 29, and after two agonizing years, left his wife for her. But it didn't work out—after four years of cohabitation, and her escalating pleas to marry, he walked out on her, as well. Jeremy now realizes that the relationship with his wife was solid and workable but thinks he couldn't have seen that 10 years ago, when he left her. "There was always someone better around the corner—and the safety and security of marriage morphed into boredom and stasis. The allure of willing and exciting females was too hard to resist," he admits. Now 42 and still single, Jeremy acknowledges, "I hurt others, and I hurt myself."
Like Jeremy, many of us either dodge the decision to commit or commit without fully relinquishing the right to keep looking—opting for an arrangement psychotherapist Terrence Real terms "stable ambiguity." "You park on the border of the relationship, so you're in it but not of it," he says. There are a million ways to do that: You can be in a relationship but not be sure it's really the right one, have an eye open for a better deal or something on the side, choose someone impossible or far away.
Yet commitment and marriage offer real physical and financial rewards. Touting the benefits of marriage may sound like conservative policy rhetoric, but nonpartisan sociological research backs it up: Committed partners have it all over singles, at least on average. Married people are more financially stable, according to Linda Waite, a sociologist at the University of Chicago and a coauthor of The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier and Better Off. Both married men and married women have more assets on average than singles; for women, the differential is huge.
The benefits go beyond the piggy bank. Married people, particularly men, tend to live longer than people who aren't married. Couples also live better: When people expect to stay together, says Waite, they pool their resources, increasing their individual standard of living. They also pool their expertise—in cooking, say, or financial management. In general, women improve men's health by putting a stop to stupid bachelor tricks and bugging their husbands to exercise and eat their vegetables. Plus, people who aren't comparing their partners to someone else in bed have less trouble performing and are more emotionally satisfied with sex. The relationship doesn't have to be wonderful for life to get better, says Waite: The statistics hold true for mediocre marriages as well as for passionate ones.
The pragmatic benefits of partnership used to be foremost in our minds. The idea of marriage as a vehicle for self-fulfillment and happiness is relatively new, says Paul Amato, professor of sociology, demography and family studies at Penn State University. Surveys of high school and college students 50 or 60 years ago found that most wanted to get married in order to have children or own a home. Now, most report that they plan to get married for love. This increased emphasis on emotional fulfillment within marriage leaves couples ill-prepared for the realities they will probably face.
Because the early phase of a relationship is marked by excitement and idealization, "many romantic, passionate couples expect to have that excitement forever," says Barry McCarthy, a clinical psychologist and coauthor—with his wife, Emily McCarthy—of Getting It Right the First Time: How to Build a Healthy Marriage. Longing for the charged energy of the early days, people look elsewhere or split up.
Flagging passion is often interpreted as the death knell of a relationship. You begin to wonder whether you're really right for each other after all. You're comfortable together, but you don't really connect the way you used to. Wouldn't it be more honest—and braver—to just admit that it's not working and call it off? "People are made to feel that remaining in a marriage that doesn't make you blissfully happy is an act of existential cowardice," says Joshua Coleman, a San Francisco psychologist.
Coleman says that the constant cultural pressure to have it all—a great sex life, a wonderful family—has made people ashamed of their less-than-perfect relationships and question whether such unions are worth hanging on to. Feelings of dissatisfaction or disappointment are natural, but they can seem intolerable when standards are sky-high. "It's a recent historical event that people expect to get so much from individual partners," says Coleman, author of Imperfect Harmony, in which he advises couples in lackluster marriages to stick it out—especially if they have kids. "There's an enormous amount of pressure on marriages to live up to an unrealistic ideal."
Michaela, 28, was drawn to Bernardo, 30, in part because of their differences: She'd grown up in European boarding schools, he fought his way out of a New York City ghetto. "Our backgrounds made us more interesting to each other," says Michaela. "I was a spoiled brat, and he'd been supporting himself from the age of 14, which I admired." Their first two years of marriage were rewarding, but their fights took a toll. "I felt that because he hadn't grown up in a normal family, he didn't grasp basic issues of courtesy and accountability," says Michaela. They were temperamental opposites: He was a screamer, and she was a sulker. She recalls, "After we fought, I needed to be drawn out of my corner, but he took that to mean that I was a cold bitch." Michaela reluctantly concluded that the two were incompatible.
In fact, argue psychologists and marital advocates, there's no such thing as true compatibility. "Marriage is a disagreement machine," says Diane Sollee, founder of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education. "All couples disagree about all the same things. We have a highly romanticized notion that if we were with the right person, we wouldn't fight." Discord springs eternal over money, kids, sex and leisure time, but psychologist John Gottman has shown that long-term, happily married couples disagree about these things just as much as couples who divorce.
"There is a mythology of 'the wrong person,'" agrees Pittman. "All marriages are incompatible. All marriages are between people from different families, people who have a different view of things. The magic is to develop binocular vision, to see life through your partner's eyes as well as through your own."
The realization that we're not going to get everything we want from a partner is not just sobering, it's downright miserable. But it is also a necessary step in building a mature relationship, according to Real, who has written about the subject in How Can I Get Through to You: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women. "The paradox of intimacy is that our ability to stay close rests on our ability to tolerate solitude inside a relationship," he says. "A central aspect of grown-up love is grief. All of us long for—and think we deserve—perfection." We can hardly be blamed for striving for bliss and self-fulfillment in our romantic lives—our inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness is guaranteed in the first blueprint of American society.
This same respect for our own needs spurred the divorce-law reforms of the 1960s and 1970s. During that era, "The culture shifted to emphasize individual satisfaction, and marriage was part of that," explains Paul Amato, who has followed more than 2,000 families for 20 years in a long-term study of marriage and divorce. Amato says that this shift did some good by freeing people from abusive and intolerable marriages. But it had an unintended side effect: encouraging people to abandon relationships that may be worth salvaging. In a society hell-bent on individual achievement and autonomy, working on a difficult relationship may get short shrift, says psychiatrist Peter Kramer, author of Should You Leave?
"So much of what we learn has to do with the self, the ego, rather than giving over the self to things like a relationship," Kramer says. In our competitive world, we're rewarded for our individual achievements rather than for how we help others. We value independence over cooperation, and sacrifices for values like loyalty and continuity seem foolish. "I think we get the divorce rate that we deserve as a culture."
The steadfast focus on our own potential may turn a partner into an accessory in the quest for self-actualization, says Maggie Robbins, a therapist in New York City. "We think that this person should reflect the beauty and perfection that is the inner me—or, more often, that this person should compensate for the yuckiness and mess that is the inner me," says Robbins. "This is what makes you tell your wife, 'Lose some weight—you're making me look bad,' not 'Lose some weight, you're at risk for diabetes.'"
Michaela was consistently embarrassed by Bernardo's behavior when they were among friends. "He'd become sullen and withdrawn—he had a shifty way of looking off to the side when he didn't want to talk. I felt like it reflected badly on me," she admits. Michaela left him and is now dating a wealthy entrepreneur. "I just thought there had to be someone else out there for me."
The urge to find a soul mate is not fueled just by notions of romantic manifest destiny. Trends in the workforce and in the media create a sense of limitless romantic possibility. According to Scott South, a demographer at SUNY-Albany, proximity to potential partners has a powerful effect on relationships. South and his colleagues found higher divorce rates among people living in communities or working in professions where they encounter lots of potential partners—people who match them in age, race and education level. "These results hold true not just for unhappy marriages but also for happy ones," says South.
The temptations aren't always living, breathing people. According to research by psychologists Sara Gutierres and Douglas Kenrick, both of Arizona State University, we find reasonably attractive people less appealing when we've just seen a hunk or a hottie—and we're bombarded daily by images of gorgeous models and actors. When we watch Lord of the Rings, Viggo Mortensen's kingly mien and Liv Tyler's elfin charm can make our husbands and wives look all too schlumpy.
Kramer sees a similar pull in the narratives that surround us. "The number of stories that tell us about other lives we could lead—in magazine articles, television shows, books—has increased enormously. We have an enormous reservoir of possibilities," says Kramer.
And these possibilities can drive us to despair. Too many choices have been shown to stymie consumers, and an array of alternative mates is no exception. In an era when marriages were difficult to dissolve, couples rated their marriages as more satisfying than do today's couples, for whom divorce is a clear option, according to the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago.
While we expect marriage to be "happily ever after," the truth is that for most people, neither marriage nor divorce seem to have a decisive impact on happiness. Although Waite's research shows that married people are happier than their single counterparts, other studies have found that after a couple years of marriage, people are just about as happy (or unhappy) as they were before settling down. And assuming that marriage will automatically provide contentment is itself a surefire recipe for misery.
"Marriage is not supposed to make you happy. It is supposed to make you married," says Pittman. "When you are all the way in your marriage, you are free to do useful things, become a better person." A committed relationship allows you to drop pretenses and seductions, expose your weaknesses, be yourself—and know that you will be loved, warts and all. "A real relationship is the collision of my humanity and yours, in all its joy and limitations," says Real. "How partners handle that collision is what determines the quality of their relationship."
Such a down-to-earth view of marriage is hardly romantic, but that doesn't mean it's not profound: An authentic relationship with another person, says Pittman, is "one of the first steps toward connecting with the human condition—which is necessary if you're going to become fulfilled as a human being." If we accept these humble terms, the quest for a soul mate might just be a noble pursuit after all.
Arguing Style Test
this is a 5-never / 4-rarely/3-sometimes/2-often/1-most of the time
1. Even if I don’t intend to, I raise my voice when I get upset. 3
2. I refuse to be the first one to apologize after a fight. 3
3. When I argue with others, I allow old grudges to resurface. 2
4. After an argument, I am left with bitter feelings. 3
5. When I argue with my partner, we end up fighting over something completely different than what we started with. 3
6. I swear at my partner when I get upset. 3
7. I focus on finding a solution that will benefit both of us. 4
8. When my partner makes a valid point, I let him or her know that I agree. 2
9. When arguing, I focus my criticisms on what I think my partner has done wrong, not on him or her as a person. 4
10. When I realize that I was wrong, I admit it to my partner. 1
1 Completely true/ 2Mostly true/ 3Somewhat true/false /4 Mostlyfalse / 5Comp false
11. When we fight, I feel like I need to win. 3
12. I get defensive when my partner tells his or her side of the story. 3
13. When arguing, I prefer bringing up all the issues that are bothering me, rather than resolve them one at a time. 2
14. I tell my partner what s/he needs to do in order to fix her/his problems. 2
15. During an argument, I attack where I know it hurts. 4
16. When I am really hurt, I focus my attack on something I know my partner really cares about. 4
17. When I feel that my partner's arguments are not making any sense, I try to show her/him how ridiculous they are. 4
18. I get so furious during arguments that it is difficult to think straight. 4
19. When arguing, I bring up old issues that have already been resolved. 2
20. When we argue, I point out my partner's character flaws. 2
this is a 5-almost never/ 4-rarely/3-sometimes/2-often/1-most of the time
21. When we argue, I attempt to find common ground before exploring the differences in our opinion. 4
22. When arguing, I ask my partner for her/his side of the story. 2
23. When the argument gets heated, I suggest a temporary cease-fire, a break to calm down. 3
24. Our arguments solve the issues we fight about. 4
25. When the argument is over, we make up right away. 4
26. I suggest several possible solutions to the problem. 3
27. When we argue, I focus only on one topic at a time. 4
28. I follow up with my partner after an argument to see if he or she is still happy with the outcome. 5
29. If there is something that bothers me greatly about our relationship, I let my partner know. 2
1 Completely true/ 2Mostly true/ 3Somewhat true/false /4 Mostlyfalse / 5Comp false
30. I encourage my partner to tell me what is bothering him/her about my behavior.4
31. I rephrase, in my own words, my partner's complaints to make sure that I understand correctly what s/he is saying. 4
32. I assure my partner that our relationship is stable despite the fight. 3
33. I validate my partner's feelings, even if I don't agree with her/his arguments. 3
34. I am understanding when my partner becomes emotional during an argument. 4
35. I feel that there can be a right way and a wrong way to fight. 1
36. I believe that my partner and I come out better people after a fight. 4
37. I think that sometimes it is necessary to fight. 3
38. My partner and I have talked about the way we fight. 4
39. I view arguments as a means to learn and grow. 4
40. I believe that, in general, arguments and fights are bad for relationships. 2
41. I believe that it is healthier to fight than to bottle up negative feelings.2
42. After an argument, I feel relieved to have gotten everything out in the
open. 2
43. I make an effort to understand my partner’s arguing style. 5
SCORE 39
Unfortunately, you usually don’t engage in arguing behaviors that could help end a fight quickly and satisfactorily for both parties. This likely draws fights out longer than necessary because of misunderstandings. By listening carefully, rephrasing what is said, looking for solutions and apologizing, you can begin to communicate more effectively with your partner. These tactics can serve to reassure your partner that you’re working together towards a common goal. Couples who rely on positive tactics when fighting improve their overall satisfaction with their relationship and are more likely to stay together.
Arguing is an indication of wanting to communicate something, usually something close to one’s heart. While many issues can be resolved through peaceful discussion, other conflicts can provoke anger, defensiveness, resentment and other strong emotions. In a long-term relationship, it is nearly impossible to avoid hurt feelings, misunderstanding and conflict. A couple can slip into old inefficient patterns every time they start arguing about an important issue. Thankfully, everyone can learn how to communicate and solve conflicts efficiently in order to achieve mutual understanding, fulfillment and deep intimacy.
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When Your Partner Isn't Perfect
Depending on what kind of lens you are looking through, a flaw is a flaw only when you want it to be.
What if my partner is flawed? Everyone asks this question at some point. Really, it's hard to avoid. After the romance is long over and the business of life settles in, we start to see things that annoy us. The way he eats peanut butter straight out of the jar, the way he snorts when he laughs, even the way he walks or talks or keeps his office.
Ooh, it's so irritating. Once considered cute, these quirks are pushing you to the door. You want to call it quits unless someone changes.
The "flawed" partner is not to be confused with a bad partner. What is the difference between the two? Sure, there are partners who are hurtful - the angry, the self-destructive, the physically violent and verbally abusive. A bad partner thinks you are the cause of all his suffering. A bad partner blames and generally mistreats you. He is depressed/stressed/in trouble financially because of you, etc. Granted, a bad relationship is a bad relationship, and you know when you are in one. So please, do yourself a favor and get out now.
Now, back to the "flawed." Let's start by example. You have a partner who is very forgetful. He forgets to pick up the kids. He forgets his doctor's appointment. And he forgets your lunch date. For goodness sake, he even forgot to pack his clothes for that important business trip—clothes that he neatly stacked on the bed but didn't put in the suitcase.
How could he possibly love you if he forgets everything so easily? You are at your wits end and you're ready to leave unless he changes. Let's look at this from different points of view. From anger: He must be an idiot. This is such an important business trip and he plain forgot his clothes. If it weren't for you, he would have gotten fired by now. How could he be so thoughtless?
Now it's time to try another viewpoint, suggests Byron Katie in her book, I Need Your Love-Is That True? (Harmony, 2005). From compassion: You noticed something very funny: your partner left his clothes neatly stacked on the bed. Well, you hand him the clothes. Without your goading, he feels pretty stupid on his own. Then again, he needs new clothes anyway.
It's easy to point the angry finger of blame and say: "he needs to change." But anger only clouds the real issues. Whether or not you end up leaving a relationship, it's better to make decisions when you can see clearly.
Depending on what kind of lens you are looking through, a flaw is a flaw only when you want it to be. Here's the important part: Instead of trying to work on your partner and change him, work on yourself first. You'll probably discover that his flaws are not so flawed. You'll also see that the person who needs to change is you.
So stop working on him and start working on you.
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The Art of the Argument
How to fight clean—and have a productive argument, not a pointless row.
Why Can't You Shut Up? How We Ruin Relationships—How Not To
By: Anthony Wolf, Ph.D. (Ballantine)
The Promise
Fight clean: Disagree without bickering, sniping, yelling, rehashing or destroying your relationship.
One of the greatest threats to satisfying relationships, says Anthony Wolf, a practicing clinical psychologist, is our overwhelming need to be right when we disagree. This innate characteristic, which he defines as our "baby self," can damage or destroy relationships, especially with those closest to us. In his latest book, Why Can't You Shut Up? How We Ruin Relationships—How Not To, Wolf shows how we go wrong: by not letting go when we're not getting our way.
The Test
I decided to try out Wolf's theories on a recent dispute with my wife. Our children, ages 7 and 10, love watching television. If allowed, they'd sit in front of the set until their brains melted. While I try to get them to stick to time limits, my wife is more lax about enforcing these rules. I worry they're becoming TV addicts and she thinks I should cut them some slack.
But then she started letting them watch American Idol, which meant they stayed up past bedtime two school nights a week. Rather than a levelheaded conversation addressing this particular difference of opinion, the disagreement escalated into a nasty spat that dragged in other conflicts and past grievances. Filled with righteousness, I wanted not only to prove her guilty of this offense, but also of other outstanding crimes and misdemeanors, such as covert adjustments to various household budgets, using her car as a moving trash bin and helping the kids think of chocolate as a kind of daily vitamin.
Wolf's advice is to stay on subject. This was about our children and TV, not whether she overindulges them or I'm too strict or who needs more therapy. So we both had to resist claiming who was right and who was wrong, which he says is a lose/lose situation.
When my wife and I focused on the issue at hand, we realized we're both concerned about the kids turning into tube zombies. We agreed to have them watch most of their favorite programs on TiVo, eliminating commercials and cutting viewing time by 25 percent.
Wolf also says it's not always necessary to resolve an argument, but that it must end—that is to say, it's essential to let it drop. My wife and I both had to let go of the tempting but unproductive desire to get in the last word. Instead, we made sure that we each got to speak our mind. After that, the discussion was over.
While we haven't totally resolved this issue, we've had our say, listened and then disengaged. Wolf reminds us that successful arguing isn't about being right as much as feeling all right about the outcome.
The Verdict
Wolf offers helpful insights (along with wry humor) on managing our closest relationships. Although there aren't any major revelations, you can't really argue with such practical advice.
-----------------------------------------------
Great Expectations
Has the quest to find the perfect soul mate done more harm than good? Psychologists provide insight into how the never-ending search for ideal love can keep you from enjoying a marriage or a healthy relationship that you already have.
By: Polly Shulman
Marriage is dead! The twin vises of church and law have relaxed their grip on matrimony. We've been liberated from the grim obligation to stay in a poisonous or abusive marriage for the sake of the kids or for appearances. The divorce rate has stayed constant at nearly 50 percent for the last two decades. The ease with which we enter and dissolve unions makes marriage seem like a prime-time spectator sport, whether it's Britney Spears in Vegas or bimbos chasing after the Bachelor.
Long live the new marriage! We once prized the institution for the practical pairing of a cash-producing father and a home-building mother. Now we want it all—a partner who reflects our taste and status, who sees us for who we are, who loves us for all the "right" reasons, who helps us become the person we want to be. We've done away with a rigid social order, adopting instead an even more onerous obligation: the mandate to find a perfect match. Anything short of this ideal prompts us to ask: Is this all there is? Am I as happy as I should be? Could there be somebody out there who's better for me? As often as not, we answer yes to that last question and fall victim to our own great expectations.
That somebody is, of course, our soul mate, the man or woman who will counter our weaknesses, amplify our strengths and provide the unflagging support and respect that is the essence of a contemporary relationship. The reality is that few marriages or partnerships consistently live up to this ideal. The result is a commitment limbo, in which we care deeply for our partner but keep one stealthy foot out the door of our hearts. In so doing, we subject the relationship to constant review: Would I be happier, smarter, a better person with someone else? It's a painful modern quandary. "Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of the soul mate," says Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman.
Consider Jeremy, a social worker who married a businesswoman in his early twenties. He met another woman, a psychologist, at age 29, and after two agonizing years, left his wife for her. But it didn't work out—after four years of cohabitation, and her escalating pleas to marry, he walked out on her, as well. Jeremy now realizes that the relationship with his wife was solid and workable but thinks he couldn't have seen that 10 years ago, when he left her. "There was always someone better around the corner—and the safety and security of marriage morphed into boredom and stasis. The allure of willing and exciting females was too hard to resist," he admits. Now 42 and still single, Jeremy acknowledges, "I hurt others, and I hurt myself."
Like Jeremy, many of us either dodge the decision to commit or commit without fully relinquishing the right to keep looking—opting for an arrangement psychotherapist Terrence Real terms "stable ambiguity." "You park on the border of the relationship, so you're in it but not of it," he says. There are a million ways to do that: You can be in a relationship but not be sure it's really the right one, have an eye open for a better deal or something on the side, choose someone impossible or far away.
Yet commitment and marriage offer real physical and financial rewards. Touting the benefits of marriage may sound like conservative policy rhetoric, but nonpartisan sociological research backs it up: Committed partners have it all over singles, at least on average. Married people are more financially stable, according to Linda Waite, a sociologist at the University of Chicago and a coauthor of The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier and Better Off. Both married men and married women have more assets on average than singles; for women, the differential is huge.
The benefits go beyond the piggy bank. Married people, particularly men, tend to live longer than people who aren't married. Couples also live better: When people expect to stay together, says Waite, they pool their resources, increasing their individual standard of living. They also pool their expertise—in cooking, say, or financial management. In general, women improve men's health by putting a stop to stupid bachelor tricks and bugging their husbands to exercise and eat their vegetables. Plus, people who aren't comparing their partners to someone else in bed have less trouble performing and are more emotionally satisfied with sex. The relationship doesn't have to be wonderful for life to get better, says Waite: The statistics hold true for mediocre marriages as well as for passionate ones.
The pragmatic benefits of partnership used to be foremost in our minds. The idea of marriage as a vehicle for self-fulfillment and happiness is relatively new, says Paul Amato, professor of sociology, demography and family studies at Penn State University. Surveys of high school and college students 50 or 60 years ago found that most wanted to get married in order to have children or own a home. Now, most report that they plan to get married for love. This increased emphasis on emotional fulfillment within marriage leaves couples ill-prepared for the realities they will probably face.
Because the early phase of a relationship is marked by excitement and idealization, "many romantic, passionate couples expect to have that excitement forever," says Barry McCarthy, a clinical psychologist and coauthor—with his wife, Emily McCarthy—of Getting It Right the First Time: How to Build a Healthy Marriage. Longing for the charged energy of the early days, people look elsewhere or split up.
Flagging passion is often interpreted as the death knell of a relationship. You begin to wonder whether you're really right for each other after all. You're comfortable together, but you don't really connect the way you used to. Wouldn't it be more honest—and braver—to just admit that it's not working and call it off? "People are made to feel that remaining in a marriage that doesn't make you blissfully happy is an act of existential cowardice," says Joshua Coleman, a San Francisco psychologist.
Coleman says that the constant cultural pressure to have it all—a great sex life, a wonderful family—has made people ashamed of their less-than-perfect relationships and question whether such unions are worth hanging on to. Feelings of dissatisfaction or disappointment are natural, but they can seem intolerable when standards are sky-high. "It's a recent historical event that people expect to get so much from individual partners," says Coleman, author of Imperfect Harmony, in which he advises couples in lackluster marriages to stick it out—especially if they have kids. "There's an enormous amount of pressure on marriages to live up to an unrealistic ideal."
Michaela, 28, was drawn to Bernardo, 30, in part because of their differences: She'd grown up in European boarding schools, he fought his way out of a New York City ghetto. "Our backgrounds made us more interesting to each other," says Michaela. "I was a spoiled brat, and he'd been supporting himself from the age of 14, which I admired." Their first two years of marriage were rewarding, but their fights took a toll. "I felt that because he hadn't grown up in a normal family, he didn't grasp basic issues of courtesy and accountability," says Michaela. They were temperamental opposites: He was a screamer, and she was a sulker. She recalls, "After we fought, I needed to be drawn out of my corner, but he took that to mean that I was a cold bitch." Michaela reluctantly concluded that the two were incompatible.
In fact, argue psychologists and marital advocates, there's no such thing as true compatibility. "Marriage is a disagreement machine," says Diane Sollee, founder of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education. "All couples disagree about all the same things. We have a highly romanticized notion that if we were with the right person, we wouldn't fight." Discord springs eternal over money, kids, sex and leisure time, but psychologist John Gottman has shown that long-term, happily married couples disagree about these things just as much as couples who divorce.
"There is a mythology of 'the wrong person,'" agrees Pittman. "All marriages are incompatible. All marriages are between people from different families, people who have a different view of things. The magic is to develop binocular vision, to see life through your partner's eyes as well as through your own."
The realization that we're not going to get everything we want from a partner is not just sobering, it's downright miserable. But it is also a necessary step in building a mature relationship, according to Real, who has written about the subject in How Can I Get Through to You: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women. "The paradox of intimacy is that our ability to stay close rests on our ability to tolerate solitude inside a relationship," he says. "A central aspect of grown-up love is grief. All of us long for—and think we deserve—perfection." We can hardly be blamed for striving for bliss and self-fulfillment in our romantic lives—our inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness is guaranteed in the first blueprint of American society.
This same respect for our own needs spurred the divorce-law reforms of the 1960s and 1970s. During that era, "The culture shifted to emphasize individual satisfaction, and marriage was part of that," explains Paul Amato, who has followed more than 2,000 families for 20 years in a long-term study of marriage and divorce. Amato says that this shift did some good by freeing people from abusive and intolerable marriages. But it had an unintended side effect: encouraging people to abandon relationships that may be worth salvaging. In a society hell-bent on individual achievement and autonomy, working on a difficult relationship may get short shrift, says psychiatrist Peter Kramer, author of Should You Leave?
"So much of what we learn has to do with the self, the ego, rather than giving over the self to things like a relationship," Kramer says. In our competitive world, we're rewarded for our individual achievements rather than for how we help others. We value independence over cooperation, and sacrifices for values like loyalty and continuity seem foolish. "I think we get the divorce rate that we deserve as a culture."
The steadfast focus on our own potential may turn a partner into an accessory in the quest for self-actualization, says Maggie Robbins, a therapist in New York City. "We think that this person should reflect the beauty and perfection that is the inner me—or, more often, that this person should compensate for the yuckiness and mess that is the inner me," says Robbins. "This is what makes you tell your wife, 'Lose some weight—you're making me look bad,' not 'Lose some weight, you're at risk for diabetes.'"
Michaela was consistently embarrassed by Bernardo's behavior when they were among friends. "He'd become sullen and withdrawn—he had a shifty way of looking off to the side when he didn't want to talk. I felt like it reflected badly on me," she admits. Michaela left him and is now dating a wealthy entrepreneur. "I just thought there had to be someone else out there for me."
The urge to find a soul mate is not fueled just by notions of romantic manifest destiny. Trends in the workforce and in the media create a sense of limitless romantic possibility. According to Scott South, a demographer at SUNY-Albany, proximity to potential partners has a powerful effect on relationships. South and his colleagues found higher divorce rates among people living in communities or working in professions where they encounter lots of potential partners—people who match them in age, race and education level. "These results hold true not just for unhappy marriages but also for happy ones," says South.
The temptations aren't always living, breathing people. According to research by psychologists Sara Gutierres and Douglas Kenrick, both of Arizona State University, we find reasonably attractive people less appealing when we've just seen a hunk or a hottie—and we're bombarded daily by images of gorgeous models and actors. When we watch Lord of the Rings, Viggo Mortensen's kingly mien and Liv Tyler's elfin charm can make our husbands and wives look all too schlumpy.
Kramer sees a similar pull in the narratives that surround us. "The number of stories that tell us about other lives we could lead—in magazine articles, television shows, books—has increased enormously. We have an enormous reservoir of possibilities," says Kramer.
And these possibilities can drive us to despair. Too many choices have been shown to stymie consumers, and an array of alternative mates is no exception. In an era when marriages were difficult to dissolve, couples rated their marriages as more satisfying than do today's couples, for whom divorce is a clear option, according to the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago.
While we expect marriage to be "happily ever after," the truth is that for most people, neither marriage nor divorce seem to have a decisive impact on happiness. Although Waite's research shows that married people are happier than their single counterparts, other studies have found that after a couple years of marriage, people are just about as happy (or unhappy) as they were before settling down. And assuming that marriage will automatically provide contentment is itself a surefire recipe for misery.
"Marriage is not supposed to make you happy. It is supposed to make you married," says Pittman. "When you are all the way in your marriage, you are free to do useful things, become a better person." A committed relationship allows you to drop pretenses and seductions, expose your weaknesses, be yourself—and know that you will be loved, warts and all. "A real relationship is the collision of my humanity and yours, in all its joy and limitations," says Real. "How partners handle that collision is what determines the quality of their relationship."
Such a down-to-earth view of marriage is hardly romantic, but that doesn't mean it's not profound: An authentic relationship with another person, says Pittman, is "one of the first steps toward connecting with the human condition—which is necessary if you're going to become fulfilled as a human being." If we accept these humble terms, the quest for a soul mate might just be a noble pursuit after all.
Monday, June 30, 2008
CoDA
So I have been going to these meetings. You may be wondering what it is? This Co-dependency.
Characteristics of codependency:
1. Most often putting the thoughts, feelings, and needs of others first ~ before your own.
2. Feeling that you give more in relationships than you get back.
3. Finding that your caring and loving feelings are turning to resentment because of feeling you are giving too much and are being unappreciated.
4. An inability to say "no" when "no" is warranted.
5. Feelings of substantial insecurity in relationships where there is little to no reason to feel like the relationship is in danger of ending.
6. Experiencing rejection sensitivity. They also often see rejection when it isn't there.
7. Feeling like the relationship "is out of control" or that you are "out of control."
8. Feeling that you won't be OK unless the other person is in your life. People suffering from co-dependence have tremendously strong abandonment fears.
9. An inability to set proper boundaries in relationships. Boundaries are where one person ends off and where one person begins. Boundaries are basically respect and good manners.
10. The inability to feel validated in the relationship regardless of how often they are validated.
11. Unhealthy tolerance of verbal, sexual, or physical abuse. A co-dependent person tends to view abuse as normal.
12. The inability to leave the relationship under any circumstance even when most of the good feelings have left and even if severe abuse is present.
13. Chronically engaging in behavior that is self-defeating in subtle and non-subtle ways.
CONTROL AND THE FOUR BASIC HUMAN NEEDS
When lack of self-control or attempting to control another is present in either party these are missing.
1. The need for safety and security. Whenever our sense of security is threatened, it frightens us and we respond with anger. Good anger management requires that we create safety and security through conversation, working out roles and values to engender trust.
2. The need for a certain amount of power over our environment. Anger is a kind of power. So, when we do not feel we have enough power in our environment we may act out with anger as a means of compensating for the lack of it. The antidote to this difficulty is cooperation and team work. If severe abuse is present the anecdote to an unsafe relationship is to walk away.
3. The experience of a sense of identity. Our identity is a center around which we organize our life. Anger emerges when we feel that our sense of identity is threatened or nonexistent. We need is to find appropriate methods to protect and promote our individuality from those who attempt to control.
4. Fundamental need to belong. The lack of a sense of connectedness to others, isolation and feelings of abandonment can create anger. Anger is often an attempt to bond, to fuse through conflict. We need to find alternatives to anger. Learning to solve problems by communicating without criticism, sarcasm, developing intimacy through active listening allows for other methods of belonging to emerge.
ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS I HAVE HAD: ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS HAVE BEEN ABUSIVE =( THANK GOD MOST LEFT ME – I USED TO THINK IT WAS A BAD THING THEY “LEFT ME”, NOW I SEE IT IS DEF NOT!!! =)
Verbal:
Anthony
Shahn
Yotam
Chad
Johnny
Brandon
Joe
Monday
Chris
Herm
Carlos
Bastion
Anand
Ben
Emotional:
Shahn
Herm
Anthony
Yotam
Chad
Johnny
Joe
Alex
Mike
Anthony (nj)
Brandon
Monday
Chris
Carlos
Barry
Bastion
Anand
Ben
Physical:
Herm
Yotam
Brandon
Alex
Monday
Chris
Anand
Johnny
Sexual:
Alex
Johnny
Monday
Chris
Characteristics of codependency:
1. Most often putting the thoughts, feelings, and needs of others first ~ before your own.
2. Feeling that you give more in relationships than you get back.
3. Finding that your caring and loving feelings are turning to resentment because of feeling you are giving too much and are being unappreciated.
4. An inability to say "no" when "no" is warranted.
5. Feelings of substantial insecurity in relationships where there is little to no reason to feel like the relationship is in danger of ending.
6. Experiencing rejection sensitivity. They also often see rejection when it isn't there.
7. Feeling like the relationship "is out of control" or that you are "out of control."
8. Feeling that you won't be OK unless the other person is in your life. People suffering from co-dependence have tremendously strong abandonment fears.
9. An inability to set proper boundaries in relationships. Boundaries are where one person ends off and where one person begins. Boundaries are basically respect and good manners.
10. The inability to feel validated in the relationship regardless of how often they are validated.
11. Unhealthy tolerance of verbal, sexual, or physical abuse. A co-dependent person tends to view abuse as normal.
12. The inability to leave the relationship under any circumstance even when most of the good feelings have left and even if severe abuse is present.
13. Chronically engaging in behavior that is self-defeating in subtle and non-subtle ways.
CONTROL AND THE FOUR BASIC HUMAN NEEDS
When lack of self-control or attempting to control another is present in either party these are missing.
1. The need for safety and security. Whenever our sense of security is threatened, it frightens us and we respond with anger. Good anger management requires that we create safety and security through conversation, working out roles and values to engender trust.
2. The need for a certain amount of power over our environment. Anger is a kind of power. So, when we do not feel we have enough power in our environment we may act out with anger as a means of compensating for the lack of it. The antidote to this difficulty is cooperation and team work. If severe abuse is present the anecdote to an unsafe relationship is to walk away.
3. The experience of a sense of identity. Our identity is a center around which we organize our life. Anger emerges when we feel that our sense of identity is threatened or nonexistent. We need is to find appropriate methods to protect and promote our individuality from those who attempt to control.
4. Fundamental need to belong. The lack of a sense of connectedness to others, isolation and feelings of abandonment can create anger. Anger is often an attempt to bond, to fuse through conflict. We need to find alternatives to anger. Learning to solve problems by communicating without criticism, sarcasm, developing intimacy through active listening allows for other methods of belonging to emerge.
ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS I HAVE HAD: ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS HAVE BEEN ABUSIVE =( THANK GOD MOST LEFT ME – I USED TO THINK IT WAS A BAD THING THEY “LEFT ME”, NOW I SEE IT IS DEF NOT!!! =)
Verbal:
Anthony
Shahn
Yotam
Chad
Johnny
Brandon
Joe
Monday
Chris
Herm
Carlos
Bastion
Anand
Ben
Emotional:
Shahn
Herm
Anthony
Yotam
Chad
Johnny
Joe
Alex
Mike
Anthony (nj)
Brandon
Monday
Chris
Carlos
Barry
Bastion
Anand
Ben
Physical:
Herm
Yotam
Brandon
Alex
Monday
Chris
Anand
Johnny
Sexual:
Alex
Johnny
Monday
Chris
weeks recap
So this is a recap of this last 2 weeks.
Firstly, the Dial Us for Murder party was a lot fun. I really enjoyed it. I was at first quite nervous, not knowing anyone. The story progressed and different tasks were handed out to keep it going and there was drinking, dancing and joking around and just me playing out the character. I would like to do this in the future with friends I know. However, I realized upon going to church yesterday I was unknowingly "delighting in evil" and felt disturbed afterward. As (though I did not know it at the time) the story changed over the course of the night and the central character turned out to be vampires and the Devil.
Previous to that I hung out with Alice and we had a fun time watching Spirited Away. We ate snacks and Pita Kitchen and she helped me get ready for the 80's party. We took funny pics, talked about our plans for the 4th and I got to see her new place which is awesome! I enjoy hanging out with her.
Then prior to that I was in Santa Monica meeting up with Edward to get the crafts we made in Santa Barbara (a man I met in Santa Barbara w/ his great kids on my visit there) and try to see who he is. If I want to befriend him. The kids creations for me turned out awesome. I am proud to display them! I liked their stuff more than mine!
Edward and I talked about his "ex-wife being abusive to Lexi" when she was little and and how he has fought for the kids and that his family empire would have been in the hands of a woman he could not trust. How his relationship ended/started, etc. He mentioned it was based on "fun" and that she cheated on him and he could never trust her but sees her as a shark in the water, once bitten, and only once. He says he would go back in the water because it is an rare occurrence and will remarry. I was curious how much he would ask me about me, my wants, my interests, my likes, etc as when we had talked on the phone thus far he talked a lot and rarely asked me anything!
I wanted to see if he was capable of thinking of someone not in relation to himself like some men (abusive men) and he asked about me approx 3 times through our time together. Strike 1. We talked about God and he preached his beliefs as truth (I felt like he more lectured than passed ideas along, as he spoke in defining terms and seemingly absolute). I decided this Monday we would go to Griffith. If he does not ask more about me during this evening together I am not going to see him again and will tell him so. At lunch, he stated that he was taking the kids on a road trip and that they really love me, they think i am "exciting, a lot of fun and sweet mannered" and would I want to go with them? I stated I don't feel comfortable going on a road trip with a complete stranger and his children and he urged me to "take a chance."
Um, No is No. If Edward cannot respect that I feel this way on just the 2nd time we hang out, with no feelings, or expectations involved or us even emotionally attached to one another, how much will he be able to respect my No if I am in a relationship with him and he thinks he is entitled to something? He also mentioned in passing he blows up and throws away the kids toys when they don't do what he wants. He also mentioned in passing he would like to get a caretaker for the kids and that Lexi can learn to cook with them, no mention of Elijah learning. Clearly patriarchy. He speaks a lot about his father, and his business and fathers goals and money, and yet very little about his mother. Mother perhaps had a smaller role in the family. Elijah has been scheduled to take over the business. Mhmm. These are the clues to someone's decision making, views on women and personality that you can get when you first meet. These are those "first scenes" I spoke about in my "The Notebook" entry I have my eyes open these days, not closed and hoping. I did not like these statements either.
Meanwhile, I had been talking very lightly to Chris since the 20th - spending less time with him, watching him from afar, open to seeing him but also guarded. Here is what I learned about him in only 2 weeks time of of "building to friendship" slightly allowing him in. While Chris was attempting to befriend me he has: The below can all be learned about by women interested at The Verbally Abusive Relationship - How to Recognize and Respond. (keep in mind it is also a statistical fact that 95% physical batterer cases began with verbal abuse)
Last week:
disrespected my boundaries of physical space - lunged at me in sauna!
had abusive sexual expectations of my body - pressed vocally to touch me
hung up on me in order not to yell - used withholding
This week: (notice too the fast progression of the abuses and types? this is called conditioning)
made abusive disparagements toward an idea - judgment/criticizing
Chris defined me countless # of times & ordered - projections
accused me of trying to date other people - accusations/blame
blamed me and judged my parking at church
insulted me and made jokes about me while I was injured - abuse disguised as "jokes"
angrily said he was not going to pay my hospital bills if he were to take me - anger
omitted facts about getting high and trying to see me while he knew how I felt about it - "forgetting"
All the while still saying "he does love me" and that he has generally "had a good time with me". It's just bullshit. He has shown in actions he is not consistent in good behavior, does not want to change, and will not. He only wants to manipulate/control me and when I have allowed him closer he does not truly respect me or see me as separate in the way that a non-abuser does. His patriarchy and entitlement ideas of women go very deep as far as I'm concerned and I want nothing of it. These ideas/actions/choices of his are just more important to him situationally than being a true friend, or behaving in a caring way toward me consistently. "He cannot be that into you if he is a freak or selfish or a bully." I do not want to be close or friends with this person.
He has lost me, lost his job and now...lost his apartment. I feel due to his abusive attitudes with others (at work/home) and his drug addiction as well as outside circumstances which God is allowing to occur to him to hopefully lovingly learn from his own consequences of his behavior and choices and to be responsible for them. Will he see this and get help? I think not, but only God knows what is really in his heart. I am not going to get in the way of God's gentle corrections. Sadly, his own mother or sister probably will though. He will turn to them for help and they will probably help him never allowing him to experience his own irresponsibility choices and make real changes to his life.
Unfortunately, he also mentioned yesterday he does not have the faith I have in God and though he is looking, does not have the tools. Yes, I guess you don't. I realized while he was saying all of this and thinking of all he is showing the things he has shown, why on earth would I, a now self respecting, Jesus loving, woman who knows about abuse, is capable of commitment, has no fear of abandonment, seeking truth, want to be around someone who has yet no faith and is possibly still addicted to drugs and will not stop trying to manipulate or control me for their own personal gain and makes excuses for their erratic behaviors? Why stay in an unhealthy environment and try to be healthy? THAT IS FOLLY. Even a plant will seek sunlight an a conducive environment to grow.
I am again admonished today by Jesus to forgive and not judge. To love as God loves me. I must work on that. However, Jesus does not say for me have no boundaries with others, to become enmeshed in them and be what they want me to be/do, or remain where your safety is at stake and even your faith can be compromised. The time I spent with Chris in sinful thoughts, I could have been doing God's will for me. The amount of time in his house fondling me I could have been reading the Bible and ministering. God has strong boundaries as should I with believers who are fallen and dangerous to emotional, spiritual well-being. If I am not to be part of this world, I do not want to consort with the worldly without self-control and (righteous indignation).
I will continue to pray for Chris's salvation from afar. There is no need to be up close and personal with someone who clearly is (at times) seeing me as an adversary and not a friend and not desiring of controlling their choices/actions in those times. His self (dream) image of not being abusive and "loving me too much" is too strong a denial for him to stop. Recently, he has stated he KNOWS I DESERVE BETTER TREATMENT. He is aware of what he is doing and not repenting. Instead of being accountable, he is blaming it on himself and his saying he is an awful person! He is crying and blaming it on his own nature...instead of...ugh. I wish he could start praying HARD and see Patrica Evans..
As far as I am concerned, I have planted the seed as best I could. He knows there is a God now and he can do what he wants with it. I have forgiven him for past grievances/trespasses, will not remind him and gave him an opportunity to make amends. I do not need to allow him in my life closer to continue this behavior toward me, as that is fucking stupidity. He must suffer his own consequences and in this case that is losing me as a friend.
In other news, I am deciding whether or not to leave CA and go back to NY for a time until I decide what I want to do with myself for God. I feel a strong calling for missionary work. I am realizing I want to go to school. Not yet sure where/when? I am returning the car in 20 days. I will be getting my own car. I have no income at this time.
I can go home in July and situate my apartment there as well as set myself up here in LA to find a school, move closer to my work and get ready for the next phases of my life.
I also need to plan to go to DR for Sept, these are the important things in my thoughts of self care today.
Firstly, the Dial Us for Murder party was a lot fun. I really enjoyed it. I was at first quite nervous, not knowing anyone. The story progressed and different tasks were handed out to keep it going and there was drinking, dancing and joking around and just me playing out the character. I would like to do this in the future with friends I know. However, I realized upon going to church yesterday I was unknowingly "delighting in evil" and felt disturbed afterward. As (though I did not know it at the time) the story changed over the course of the night and the central character turned out to be vampires and the Devil.
Previous to that I hung out with Alice and we had a fun time watching Spirited Away. We ate snacks and Pita Kitchen and she helped me get ready for the 80's party. We took funny pics, talked about our plans for the 4th and I got to see her new place which is awesome! I enjoy hanging out with her.
Then prior to that I was in Santa Monica meeting up with Edward to get the crafts we made in Santa Barbara (a man I met in Santa Barbara w/ his great kids on my visit there) and try to see who he is. If I want to befriend him. The kids creations for me turned out awesome. I am proud to display them! I liked their stuff more than mine!
Edward and I talked about his "ex-wife being abusive to Lexi" when she was little and and how he has fought for the kids and that his family empire would have been in the hands of a woman he could not trust. How his relationship ended/started, etc. He mentioned it was based on "fun" and that she cheated on him and he could never trust her but sees her as a shark in the water, once bitten, and only once. He says he would go back in the water because it is an rare occurrence and will remarry. I was curious how much he would ask me about me, my wants, my interests, my likes, etc as when we had talked on the phone thus far he talked a lot and rarely asked me anything!
I wanted to see if he was capable of thinking of someone not in relation to himself like some men (abusive men) and he asked about me approx 3 times through our time together. Strike 1. We talked about God and he preached his beliefs as truth (I felt like he more lectured than passed ideas along, as he spoke in defining terms and seemingly absolute). I decided this Monday we would go to Griffith. If he does not ask more about me during this evening together I am not going to see him again and will tell him so. At lunch, he stated that he was taking the kids on a road trip and that they really love me, they think i am "exciting, a lot of fun and sweet mannered" and would I want to go with them? I stated I don't feel comfortable going on a road trip with a complete stranger and his children and he urged me to "take a chance."
Um, No is No. If Edward cannot respect that I feel this way on just the 2nd time we hang out, with no feelings, or expectations involved or us even emotionally attached to one another, how much will he be able to respect my No if I am in a relationship with him and he thinks he is entitled to something? He also mentioned in passing he blows up and throws away the kids toys when they don't do what he wants. He also mentioned in passing he would like to get a caretaker for the kids and that Lexi can learn to cook with them, no mention of Elijah learning. Clearly patriarchy. He speaks a lot about his father, and his business and fathers goals and money, and yet very little about his mother. Mother perhaps had a smaller role in the family. Elijah has been scheduled to take over the business. Mhmm. These are the clues to someone's decision making, views on women and personality that you can get when you first meet. These are those "first scenes" I spoke about in my "The Notebook" entry I have my eyes open these days, not closed and hoping. I did not like these statements either.
Meanwhile, I had been talking very lightly to Chris since the 20th - spending less time with him, watching him from afar, open to seeing him but also guarded. Here is what I learned about him in only 2 weeks time of of "building to friendship" slightly allowing him in. While Chris was attempting to befriend me he has: The below can all be learned about by women interested at The Verbally Abusive Relationship - How to Recognize and Respond. (keep in mind it is also a statistical fact that 95% physical batterer cases began with verbal abuse)
Last week:
disrespected my boundaries of physical space - lunged at me in sauna!
had abusive sexual expectations of my body - pressed vocally to touch me
hung up on me in order not to yell - used withholding
This week: (notice too the fast progression of the abuses and types? this is called conditioning)
made abusive disparagements toward an idea - judgment/criticizing
Chris defined me countless # of times & ordered - projections
accused me of trying to date other people - accusations/blame
blamed me and judged my parking at church
insulted me and made jokes about me while I was injured - abuse disguised as "jokes"
angrily said he was not going to pay my hospital bills if he were to take me - anger
omitted facts about getting high and trying to see me while he knew how I felt about it - "forgetting"
All the while still saying "he does love me" and that he has generally "had a good time with me". It's just bullshit. He has shown in actions he is not consistent in good behavior, does not want to change, and will not. He only wants to manipulate/control me and when I have allowed him closer he does not truly respect me or see me as separate in the way that a non-abuser does. His patriarchy and entitlement ideas of women go very deep as far as I'm concerned and I want nothing of it. These ideas/actions/choices of his are just more important to him situationally than being a true friend, or behaving in a caring way toward me consistently. "He cannot be that into you if he is a freak or selfish or a bully." I do not want to be close or friends with this person.
He has lost me, lost his job and now...lost his apartment. I feel due to his abusive attitudes with others (at work/home) and his drug addiction as well as outside circumstances which God is allowing to occur to him to hopefully lovingly learn from his own consequences of his behavior and choices and to be responsible for them. Will he see this and get help? I think not, but only God knows what is really in his heart. I am not going to get in the way of God's gentle corrections. Sadly, his own mother or sister probably will though. He will turn to them for help and they will probably help him never allowing him to experience his own irresponsibility choices and make real changes to his life.
Unfortunately, he also mentioned yesterday he does not have the faith I have in God and though he is looking, does not have the tools. Yes, I guess you don't. I realized while he was saying all of this and thinking of all he is showing the things he has shown, why on earth would I, a now self respecting, Jesus loving, woman who knows about abuse, is capable of commitment, has no fear of abandonment, seeking truth, want to be around someone who has yet no faith and is possibly still addicted to drugs and will not stop trying to manipulate or control me for their own personal gain and makes excuses for their erratic behaviors? Why stay in an unhealthy environment and try to be healthy? THAT IS FOLLY. Even a plant will seek sunlight an a conducive environment to grow.
I am again admonished today by Jesus to forgive and not judge. To love as God loves me. I must work on that. However, Jesus does not say for me have no boundaries with others, to become enmeshed in them and be what they want me to be/do, or remain where your safety is at stake and even your faith can be compromised. The time I spent with Chris in sinful thoughts, I could have been doing God's will for me. The amount of time in his house fondling me I could have been reading the Bible and ministering. God has strong boundaries as should I with believers who are fallen and dangerous to emotional, spiritual well-being. If I am not to be part of this world, I do not want to consort with the worldly without self-control and (righteous indignation).
I will continue to pray for Chris's salvation from afar. There is no need to be up close and personal with someone who clearly is (at times) seeing me as an adversary and not a friend and not desiring of controlling their choices/actions in those times. His self (dream) image of not being abusive and "loving me too much" is too strong a denial for him to stop. Recently, he has stated he KNOWS I DESERVE BETTER TREATMENT. He is aware of what he is doing and not repenting. Instead of being accountable, he is blaming it on himself and his saying he is an awful person! He is crying and blaming it on his own nature...instead of...ugh. I wish he could start praying HARD and see Patrica Evans..
As far as I am concerned, I have planted the seed as best I could. He knows there is a God now and he can do what he wants with it. I have forgiven him for past grievances/trespasses, will not remind him and gave him an opportunity to make amends. I do not need to allow him in my life closer to continue this behavior toward me, as that is fucking stupidity. He must suffer his own consequences and in this case that is losing me as a friend.
In other news, I am deciding whether or not to leave CA and go back to NY for a time until I decide what I want to do with myself for God. I feel a strong calling for missionary work. I am realizing I want to go to school. Not yet sure where/when? I am returning the car in 20 days. I will be getting my own car. I have no income at this time.
I can go home in July and situate my apartment there as well as set myself up here in LA to find a school, move closer to my work and get ready for the next phases of my life.
I also need to plan to go to DR for Sept, these are the important things in my thoughts of self care today.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Got my character!
I am attending a rock and roll 80's murder mystery party.
http://www.dialusformurder.com/skizzlz/skizzlzmain.html
This is my first ever. I am Ms. Knockers. I have no idea what to expect or what it will be like. I think overall its going to be fun that is all I am looking for really!
Dial Us For Murder ©
- 1 -
MS. KNOCKERS
YOUR BAND: SCHATZI PALLATZI
WHO YOU ARE: Mr. Blinky and Ms. Knockers make up Schatzi Pallatzi, one of the newest hip duo under the SnM umbrella. They are also the savior of Clovania, the small Eastern European country hardly (if ever) heard of but discovered to be suffering horribly from starvation and poverty. The poor Clovanian children! Schatzi Pallatzi is making a name for itself as organizer of The Collection, a group of mismatched European bands and artists, such bands as OhNo! And the male NOT gay duo, Whack! They all came together to record, “Do They Know It’s Arbor Day?” to raise money for Clovania. “Save Clovania!” is your motto. It’s also an excellent way to impress SnM and win Harold Hughes’ prize – whatever it is. Being such a do-gooder band has its benefits, and Schatzi Pallatzi and The Collection intend to take advantage of that.
YOUR DARK SECRET:
Or should I say secrets??
1. You lip synch. Neither of you can sing or play an instrument to save your new
‘vettes, so you lip synch to some bullshit band you discovered in Sweden, The
Idol Pumpers, paying them off to go underground and share their tunes. In fact,
you don’t even commit to an instrument, always just kind of vague on what you
actually play.
2. Clovania is bullshit. Mr. Blinky made it up just to scam people into donating
money. You’ll be keeping all the proceeds, thank you very much. Making up
detailed stories about Clovania and its suffering people will warm the hearts of
even the most vile rockers and will secure the prize.
ABOUT YOU:
You’re Ms. Knockers, Blinky’s co-band member, also totally unskilled in the musical
world. Blinky is brilliant and claims to have managed bands before as well as had his
hands in many successful business. You do wonder why he’s not richer and why you’ve
never found his name in any research you’ve done, microfiching around the library. Odd.
You once found some mail in his flat addressed to a Myron Lollylott. A lot of mail.
Who is Myron? You haven’t asked Blinky, but you’re going to ask around at the party.
Surely, someone knows who that is? Could it be someone he used to manage, and if so,
why does he have his mail?
You love an adventure and you’re going to do anything in your power to make sure you
win the contest (whatever it is!) and find dirt on all the other bands to disqualify them.
And if you can’t find dirt on them, you’ll make it up.
http://www.dialusformurder.com/skizzlz/skizzlzmain.html
This is my first ever. I am Ms. Knockers. I have no idea what to expect or what it will be like. I think overall its going to be fun that is all I am looking for really!
Dial Us For Murder ©
- 1 -
MS. KNOCKERS
YOUR BAND: SCHATZI PALLATZI
WHO YOU ARE: Mr. Blinky and Ms. Knockers make up Schatzi Pallatzi, one of the newest hip duo under the SnM umbrella. They are also the savior of Clovania, the small Eastern European country hardly (if ever) heard of but discovered to be suffering horribly from starvation and poverty. The poor Clovanian children! Schatzi Pallatzi is making a name for itself as organizer of The Collection, a group of mismatched European bands and artists, such bands as OhNo! And the male NOT gay duo, Whack! They all came together to record, “Do They Know It’s Arbor Day?” to raise money for Clovania. “Save Clovania!” is your motto. It’s also an excellent way to impress SnM and win Harold Hughes’ prize – whatever it is. Being such a do-gooder band has its benefits, and Schatzi Pallatzi and The Collection intend to take advantage of that.
YOUR DARK SECRET:
Or should I say secrets??
1. You lip synch. Neither of you can sing or play an instrument to save your new
‘vettes, so you lip synch to some bullshit band you discovered in Sweden, The
Idol Pumpers, paying them off to go underground and share their tunes. In fact,
you don’t even commit to an instrument, always just kind of vague on what you
actually play.
2. Clovania is bullshit. Mr. Blinky made it up just to scam people into donating
money. You’ll be keeping all the proceeds, thank you very much. Making up
detailed stories about Clovania and its suffering people will warm the hearts of
even the most vile rockers and will secure the prize.
ABOUT YOU:
You’re Ms. Knockers, Blinky’s co-band member, also totally unskilled in the musical
world. Blinky is brilliant and claims to have managed bands before as well as had his
hands in many successful business. You do wonder why he’s not richer and why you’ve
never found his name in any research you’ve done, microfiching around the library. Odd.
You once found some mail in his flat addressed to a Myron Lollylott. A lot of mail.
Who is Myron? You haven’t asked Blinky, but you’re going to ask around at the party.
Surely, someone knows who that is? Could it be someone he used to manage, and if so,
why does he have his mail?
You love an adventure and you’re going to do anything in your power to make sure you
win the contest (whatever it is!) and find dirt on all the other bands to disqualify them.
And if you can’t find dirt on them, you’ll make it up.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Me and Luke!
fab0ne: hows it going?
me: wow weird.. how are you? i was just thinking of you earlier
fab0ne: maybe my ears were ringing.
i am well.
loving this gig i am working.
me: what are you doing now?
fab0ne: i am working as associate video designer with Blue Man Productions
me: oh nice! in PA?
fab0ne: not on regular blue man shows. on project that they teamed up with another company.
NY
i am living in Queens. till atleast march
working at broadway and houston
me: oh wow
great!
fab0ne: the show is mobile vaudeville. actors in the environment. integrated with media cues. driving around on bus viewing it
me: damn i want a gig I love...
how the hell do I do it though?
fab0ne: it is just so random how this stuff works out.
me: i know
i will pray the same happens to me
how is your personal life going also?
Sent at 6:38 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: my girlfriend is visiting me from tokyo on Sat. for two weeks.
Sent at 6:39 PM on Thursday
me: sweet!
how did you guys meet?
fab0ne: she was studying in philadelphia
me: then moved to Tokyo?
fab0ne: well she was exchange student. then went back.
i was there in april
she was here in febuary
we had 5 months before that when we didn't see each other.
Sent at 6:42 PM on Thursday
me: how did you keep in touch?
Sent at 6:44 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: we skype and message. we both have skype in and out and skype to go.
so its pretty easy
me: i have skype too!
thats cool
and do you video conference and all?
fab0ne: yeah.
Sent at 6:45 PM on Thursday
me: is it easy to stay completely faithful to someone so far away from you?
fab0ne: yeah cause i am a nerd.
me: so if u felt more women were interested it would be more or less difficult?
fab0ne: haha
well i try to walk the line. i don't really talk to women outside of work too much.
me: that helps
ad your woman has built trust with you also.. ?
fab0ne: i am not much for casual dating or relationships.
me: im asking because you are both far away from one another and life is life..
fab0ne: yeah. we are pretty syncopated with our lives even though we are apart.
me: very cool
very cool! im glad to hear it!
fab0ne: this city is full of beautiful women though. i am not saying i don't notice that.
me: yeah but you dont act on it which is really nice for your girl
and her city im sure is the same :)
fab0ne: i would feel so bad about myself. i have a really strong conscience.
me: that is wonderful
i do too
fab0ne: i am still at the studio.
me: want to talk another time?
fab0ne: rendering out video. tomorrow is our first test run of show.
me: ah ok
fab0ne: chatting is fine. video is rendering.
me: so what else is up what is there to do in queens these days?
fab0ne: all i know about queens is tacos.
me: LOL
fab0ne: and Vietnamese food
me: food?
thats what you're up to/
working and eating
you know? not bad!
fab0ne: i am living in jackson heights. my room mate is a chemist. i have known her for 8 or 9 years. she is from PA. she needed a room mate and timing worked out.
Sent at 6:57 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: i kind of wish i was in manhattan. commute is 40 minutes.
me: eeek yeah
i dont miss living in Queens working in NYC
fab0ne: not too bad. i use computer on subway. but i had no time to look for a place.
i had one free week between gigs.
i was in Mississippi and then Philly and then Tokyo and then week off and then here.
me: eek
glad u found that place!!
Sent at 7:01 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: yeah. for real.
me: could have been a tough outcome!
the traveling aint so bad either
fab0ne: i would have had to live in a hostel.
or in the subway.
not really. but it would have been rough.
me: lol
looks like my fate if i dont make a decision soon!
Sent at 7:04 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: are you moving?
me: im making a decision as to move or not
Sent at 7:05 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: what are the options like?
me: well if you have the time i would like to talk to someone about it
Sent at 7:07 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: i am here for a while
me: basically my family is over there.. and I am over here. I miss them but i dont have the best relationship with them. however, my g'rents are getting old and they are going to die soon. i have expenses here and need a car. my expenses are about 2,300 a month and that is w/out cool shit like a Wii or a nice wardrobe and dinner outings.
my expenses there are the same without the car because car = trans (bus, subway etc)
however, school here is the cheapest in the country
and i have no job because i dont have a degree
if i go to school there i could get some shit job in the meantime
but wont have money to save or be able to attend/afford schooling without loans
which i dont want to do
here htere are no shit jobs because every thing is far and you have to drive everywhere
i want to be with my g'rents before they go
but i also want to get an education for free while i can
i have a place there and place here
and i need to give 30 days notice here if i am moving out
fab0ne: that is a big decision.
me: and if im not leaving here then i need to let that place go
i know! :(
the other thing is I feel much safer here than there.. as my neighborhood is dangerous over there
fab0ne: well i say school should be priority.
me: and here i live in basically a vacation home
lol
but i cannot keep affording it if i dont find work
then im only spending and not taking money in..and i dont believe in that
fab0ne: its tough decision.
me: it is!
and ive been trying to make it for like the last 2 months
Sent at 7:14 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: are you in school?
Sent at 7:16 PM on Thursday
me: no
fab0ne: are you going to be able to go to school and survive?
me: no
i wont if i cannot get a job
and unless i have at least a 2 year
i cant get a job
that pays for $2000 in expenses
ugh
i feel hopeless right now
i know everything will work out
fab0ne: yeah.
me: i just wish icould find my answers quickly
fab0ne: it will.
me: and make a decision and go with it
but because im scared to choose the wrong one
im not making one!
i really dont want to lose my apt here
and i dont want my g'rents to die not knowing me
having me around to do things for them
fab0ne: hmm?
me: they deserve that from me after all they have done for me
fab0ne: well i understand that. i spent lots of time with my nana over the last two years. but you have to live your life.
me: if i was just lving my life
i wouldnt leave
would try to find a job here and just go to damn school
and if i didnt make any money or find work
i would use my savings for school
to pay it off as it is not as expensive as in the country
$23 per semester per class!
i mean there is no other schooling i can get at that price
fab0ne: you should go to school there.
that is great!!
me: i know
but then if they die..
omg Luke i will never forgive myself
fab0ne: g'parents are important. and they will die. but you need to do what is right for you. your not going to save them. you need to get your feet on the ground and have a life that you like.
me: what is right for me is to get my degree and work hard
Sent at 7:25 PM on Thursday
me: what is right for me is becoming a true adult and taking care of myself
as well as I can
and helping others
me: hmmm i dk
i just dk, i gotta make this decision soon. very soon.
fab0ne
me: wow weird.. how are you? i was just thinking of you earlier
fab0ne: maybe my ears were ringing.
i am well.
loving this gig i am working.
me: what are you doing now?
fab0ne: i am working as associate video designer with Blue Man Productions
me: oh nice! in PA?
fab0ne: not on regular blue man shows. on project that they teamed up with another company.
NY
i am living in Queens. till atleast march
working at broadway and houston
me: oh wow
great!
fab0ne: the show is mobile vaudeville. actors in the environment. integrated with media cues. driving around on bus viewing it
me: damn i want a gig I love...
how the hell do I do it though?
fab0ne: it is just so random how this stuff works out.
me: i know
i will pray the same happens to me
how is your personal life going also?
Sent at 6:38 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: my girlfriend is visiting me from tokyo on Sat. for two weeks.
Sent at 6:39 PM on Thursday
me: sweet!
how did you guys meet?
fab0ne: she was studying in philadelphia
me: then moved to Tokyo?
fab0ne: well she was exchange student. then went back.
i was there in april
she was here in febuary
we had 5 months before that when we didn't see each other.
Sent at 6:42 PM on Thursday
me: how did you keep in touch?
Sent at 6:44 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: we skype and message. we both have skype in and out and skype to go.
so its pretty easy
me: i have skype too!
thats cool
and do you video conference and all?
fab0ne: yeah.
Sent at 6:45 PM on Thursday
me: is it easy to stay completely faithful to someone so far away from you?
fab0ne: yeah cause i am a nerd.
me: so if u felt more women were interested it would be more or less difficult?
fab0ne: haha
well i try to walk the line. i don't really talk to women outside of work too much.
me: that helps
ad your woman has built trust with you also.. ?
fab0ne: i am not much for casual dating or relationships.
me: im asking because you are both far away from one another and life is life..
fab0ne: yeah. we are pretty syncopated with our lives even though we are apart.
me: very cool
very cool! im glad to hear it!
fab0ne: this city is full of beautiful women though. i am not saying i don't notice that.
me: yeah but you dont act on it which is really nice for your girl
and her city im sure is the same :)
fab0ne: i would feel so bad about myself. i have a really strong conscience.
me: that is wonderful
i do too
fab0ne: i am still at the studio.
me: want to talk another time?
fab0ne: rendering out video. tomorrow is our first test run of show.
me: ah ok
fab0ne: chatting is fine. video is rendering.
me: so what else is up what is there to do in queens these days?
fab0ne: all i know about queens is tacos.
me: LOL
fab0ne: and Vietnamese food
me: food?
thats what you're up to/
working and eating
you know? not bad!
fab0ne: i am living in jackson heights. my room mate is a chemist. i have known her for 8 or 9 years. she is from PA. she needed a room mate and timing worked out.
Sent at 6:57 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: i kind of wish i was in manhattan. commute is 40 minutes.
me: eeek yeah
i dont miss living in Queens working in NYC
fab0ne: not too bad. i use computer on subway. but i had no time to look for a place.
i had one free week between gigs.
i was in Mississippi and then Philly and then Tokyo and then week off and then here.
me: eek
glad u found that place!!
Sent at 7:01 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: yeah. for real.
me: could have been a tough outcome!
the traveling aint so bad either
fab0ne: i would have had to live in a hostel.
or in the subway.
not really. but it would have been rough.
me: lol
looks like my fate if i dont make a decision soon!
Sent at 7:04 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: are you moving?
me: im making a decision as to move or not
Sent at 7:05 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: what are the options like?
me: well if you have the time i would like to talk to someone about it
Sent at 7:07 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: i am here for a while
me: basically my family is over there.. and I am over here. I miss them but i dont have the best relationship with them. however, my g'rents are getting old and they are going to die soon. i have expenses here and need a car. my expenses are about 2,300 a month and that is w/out cool shit like a Wii or a nice wardrobe and dinner outings.
my expenses there are the same without the car because car = trans (bus, subway etc)
however, school here is the cheapest in the country
and i have no job because i dont have a degree
if i go to school there i could get some shit job in the meantime
but wont have money to save or be able to attend/afford schooling without loans
which i dont want to do
here htere are no shit jobs because every thing is far and you have to drive everywhere
i want to be with my g'rents before they go
but i also want to get an education for free while i can
i have a place there and place here
and i need to give 30 days notice here if i am moving out
fab0ne: that is a big decision.
me: and if im not leaving here then i need to let that place go
i know! :(
the other thing is I feel much safer here than there.. as my neighborhood is dangerous over there
fab0ne: well i say school should be priority.
me: and here i live in basically a vacation home
lol
but i cannot keep affording it if i dont find work
then im only spending and not taking money in..and i dont believe in that
fab0ne: its tough decision.
me: it is!
and ive been trying to make it for like the last 2 months
Sent at 7:14 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: are you in school?
Sent at 7:16 PM on Thursday
me: no
fab0ne: are you going to be able to go to school and survive?
me: no
i wont if i cannot get a job
and unless i have at least a 2 year
i cant get a job
that pays for $2000 in expenses
ugh
i feel hopeless right now
i know everything will work out
fab0ne: yeah.
me: i just wish icould find my answers quickly
fab0ne: it will.
me: and make a decision and go with it
but because im scared to choose the wrong one
im not making one!
i really dont want to lose my apt here
and i dont want my g'rents to die not knowing me
having me around to do things for them
fab0ne: hmm?
me: they deserve that from me after all they have done for me
fab0ne: well i understand that. i spent lots of time with my nana over the last two years. but you have to live your life.
me: if i was just lving my life
i wouldnt leave
would try to find a job here and just go to damn school
and if i didnt make any money or find work
i would use my savings for school
to pay it off as it is not as expensive as in the country
$23 per semester per class!
i mean there is no other schooling i can get at that price
fab0ne: you should go to school there.
that is great!!
me: i know
but then if they die..
omg Luke i will never forgive myself
fab0ne: g'parents are important. and they will die. but you need to do what is right for you. your not going to save them. you need to get your feet on the ground and have a life that you like.
me: what is right for me is to get my degree and work hard
Sent at 7:25 PM on Thursday
me: what is right for me is becoming a true adult and taking care of myself
as well as I can
and helping others
me: hmmm i dk
i just dk, i gotta make this decision soon. very soon.
fab0ne
Monday, June 16, 2008
Backsliding and Retrospect 2
starting over is hard. starting over again is even harder. backsliding with an ex stops progress in its tracks and sends you back to the hellish pain you were trying to claw your way out of. it undoes all the hard work and progress in an instant. though it may feel good to talk to him/see him in the moment, it only serves to mess you up in the long run. who deserves that? NOT YOU.
its always tempting for both parties to revisit the crime scene. esp in the first month post breakup. I miss him, I long for him, he may miss me too but.. BUT...he has NO INTENTION of getting back together. The point is to move to a better place of resilience, strength and whole again. optimistic self control.
backsliding not only gives an instant refresher course in heartache but moreover it makes the "friends" excuse/situation unnecessarily cloudy. There isn't anything that's cloudy about it. You're still not right together, you're staying broken up, and HE'S STILL MOVING ON.
temptations are ghosts from the relationship, bad suggestions from the voice in your head. Friends after a breakup without extensive time is the worst relationship because in effect you are saying to him, "yes, you can still have access to me WITHOUT ANY EMOTIONAL responsibility to me." It says "my self worth is still in your hands." "It's o.k. if you don't want to be my boyfriend anymore" "i will take whatever scraps you give me."
How could something that feels so good be so bad? Doing things you did in the relationship as "friends" is far worse than the feeling of being alone. It's too much to take when he is rambling on about his life which does not include you anymore, and every conversation, IM, email, visit will NEVER result in getting back your life together. He is moving on as should you. Everyone surveyed in Breakup because its broken said the best course of action was not to see or sleep with their ex. Not 1 person volunteered said this resulted in helping them move on.
that sure as hell is no longer me. wants to see what its like to be my friend now that I am changed? as an experiment. wants to give me what he could not give in the relationship then? i'm worth so much more. so again I am jumping back on the horse and trying again. here's to another 60 days. time to get back on that horse and try again. i will have to try harder, knowing i am worth so much more! :)
lots of shit happened this week. news and pics to come soon! off to pray and sleep and try again. i led that horse to water in more ways than one. i have done what i was sent to do. i cannot however make him drink or stand by wondering if he sees the water. i must too move on.
its always tempting for both parties to revisit the crime scene. esp in the first month post breakup. I miss him, I long for him, he may miss me too but.. BUT...he has NO INTENTION of getting back together. The point is to move to a better place of resilience, strength and whole again. optimistic self control.
backsliding not only gives an instant refresher course in heartache but moreover it makes the "friends" excuse/situation unnecessarily cloudy. There isn't anything that's cloudy about it. You're still not right together, you're staying broken up, and HE'S STILL MOVING ON.
temptations are ghosts from the relationship, bad suggestions from the voice in your head. Friends after a breakup without extensive time is the worst relationship because in effect you are saying to him, "yes, you can still have access to me WITHOUT ANY EMOTIONAL responsibility to me." It says "my self worth is still in your hands." "It's o.k. if you don't want to be my boyfriend anymore" "i will take whatever scraps you give me."
How could something that feels so good be so bad? Doing things you did in the relationship as "friends" is far worse than the feeling of being alone. It's too much to take when he is rambling on about his life which does not include you anymore, and every conversation, IM, email, visit will NEVER result in getting back your life together. He is moving on as should you. Everyone surveyed in Breakup because its broken said the best course of action was not to see or sleep with their ex. Not 1 person volunteered said this resulted in helping them move on.
that sure as hell is no longer me. wants to see what its like to be my friend now that I am changed? as an experiment. wants to give me what he could not give in the relationship then? i'm worth so much more. so again I am jumping back on the horse and trying again. here's to another 60 days. time to get back on that horse and try again. i will have to try harder, knowing i am worth so much more! :)
lots of shit happened this week. news and pics to come soon! off to pray and sleep and try again. i led that horse to water in more ways than one. i have done what i was sent to do. i cannot however make him drink or stand by wondering if he sees the water. i must too move on.
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