There’s one comparison that will definitely NOT lead to a better bargain, job, school, or service: Comparing yourself to others.

Dear Diary,

Ouch! Bam! Like being hit in the head with a 2x4, I just remembered it, as someone coming out of a fog. I've just come to. Ugh. What the hell?

Here I was feeling "less than" and too "old" and depressed because of a stupid ranking and low likes on my Twitter posts. Really?! I'm sure even those on top charts & trending are likely feeling the same on their bad turnout days, lower views or when someone else comes and takes their spot. How sad?! Just shows me today that ANYTHING/ANYONE can take the place of Jesus or your purpose can be shifted at any minute, IF we are not careful! 

Do I really want that feeling for myself? Time for a mental timeout and an honest self reflection. Why am I on Younow or "social" media again anyway?! To do Gods' work. That's it! Nothing else. 

Connecting with others in love, encouraging and strengthen those in the faith. Leading by example. Use my talents for the kingdom. What are those talents?! Do the damn thing for eternal rewards since I can't yet work a "real" job with material and nice temporary rewards. I cannot forget that!!

Ooh oh man that was close!  I almost went down "that road".  I love self awareness. Why did I feel for ONE SECOND I need to change up who I am to fit into the mold of what's "popular" in THE WORLD or popularity AT ALL when worshipping in spirit and truth I'm told to "be not of this world", to "dust my feet off of those "houses" who do not want to hear the gospel", and "best practices" is to "seek after the heavenly things/treasures" instead of those earthly rotting away, here one day & gone the next? 

I set out to do so, but quickly lost my way. I must be careful stepping and walking with purpose as one slipping through the flames of a house burning down! Because that's what these end times are! Guard my eyes and ears. I am not there to fish for compliments or get "likes"! I am not on here to get "followers" or retweets!? 

My "job" is point people to know Christ, how He has saved ME and the gospel that I learned and do my un-damned best to live it out within my ability! 

Saying No to 1 thing each day

Today was important day on my codependent journey toward saying "No" to things. 

Today I said "No" to being pessimistic about my sweetie's success. I had worked on his cover letter and he got an interview. He went on that interview and second call backs  and I drove him & supported him through the process. He interviewed again today and he got a job offer! He came in extremely happy and excited telling me the news. I was not feeling great, and I had some reservations about his start date, but I said "No".

Instead I thought, "I will be happy for him I will not focus on anything negative in this moment!" I will be energetic for him! I will keep this positive momentum going. I urged him we should do a football touchdown dance together.  He reminded me it's our success, not his alone that I wrote the letter that opened the door for him. So I joked I am the opener and he is the closer!  

I noticed in that moment of saying No and choosing excitement instead that there is a natural mechanism in my brain that often doesn't "keep the joy going" it thinks of things that can happen or go ahead dampers my/the spirit. I most importantly said NO to that voice and I'm very, very proud. 

Performing

I used to perform A LOT and write a lot of music. It was a childhood dream to become a music star. I moved and had an injury and then decided I would stop doing music and go to college. Then I decided I would start music again while going to college, then I stopped because there was no momentum and I got sick, then I started again reeled in by the possibility of singing as a business.. you get the picture here?

Anyway, I have recently moved and I recently began thinking and remembering how I used to sing for free and not ever think about how I would survive or support myself.  Now as my slightly older self, I am going to begin singing for money. So far, I have done about 3-4 shows and made around $180. I usually sing 3-4 songs, in my opinion at 3 minutes a song that's not bad pay.

Anyway, I recently had these shows and it was a great experience. Considering that I am still sick with my illness, absolutely anything I can still physically do/with a talent to make money is a plus. If I can get paid for this it would be a blessing!

Here is me singing Gimme Shelter...

Watching an Abusive relationship - (from the outside, finally) - Intro

My roommate Lu and his girlfriend play fights are hard on my psyche. 

She screams, punches him and slaps him and gets him riled up and "play fights" with him (they are both around 30) so that he can inflict pain on her she says "ow" and "stop" and "you hurt me" and "I'm a girl" then gets mad at him accusing him of hurting her badly afterward - this is exactly just like an abuse recreation. She says laughing "now everything hurts" hahaha

She then says "he's tougher, than she thought he was" he says "What? Are you saying I'm weak/that was weak?" Introducing "tougher" actions actually inviting him to rougher treatment (subconciously)

They continue because she actually pushes him as they fight and when he asks "well, do you give up/want it to stop"? She says "No". I believe she doesn't even realize she is subconsciously doing this. He at the end says "This is fun." She says "I'm hurting and I feel dead". "Pain just shows that you are alive." "Pain is only temporary..."

I don't know her, but based on her actions and my own history and knowledge I assume positively that she has been abused & raped at least once in her life because of how little she respects her own body and physical boundaries with him. And her specific relationship style of physical interaction. They are having increased incidences of these "play fights" attached to sexual feelings.. Boy, have I been there.

She is literally setting herself up for future abuse by him and this behavior is desensitizing him (I know his personal history, he's actually already desensitized and he used to abuse my someone I know, as a kid.) 

He is now showing her how to push on bones put pressure, and both say that they don't know if it's causing her pain til he sees her reaction.

She doesn’t know this but is showing her with her dual "reactions" of laughing and crying that she is "ok" with being abused & manhandled at all. He and she have no boundaries. He is behaving improperly. He says "I see you now with bruises all over and then I feel like shit afterward." 

He is feeding into his own already-been-there-done that insecurities & later when actually angry he will revert to his habit of shutting off and isolating. She will then get to feel her familiar & deep seated feelings of being "abandoned/rejected" and "no one caring." I’ve seen the pattern more often than I care to admit. 

She used to be me. Before self care. Before knowledge of abuse. Before building boundaries. Before self esteem. I don’t judge her or him. They don’t know. 

This relationship (1-2 months in) is perfectly dysfunctional but it will have much pain before its end. 

I just talked to her and she says that there is nothing to it like what I'm thinking and that she has no desire to be in an abusive relationship and he is not abusive at all. 

She said it happens because she instigates and both are competitive and that she has let her past go and is a go getter who is looking to move forward and not going to stay anywhere she can be hurt.

You can only lead a horse to water, you can’t make them drink. So I left it at that and really only time will tell for them. I don’t see it working out for them. She says she isn't being hurt and if she believes that then so be it. I accept her and I will not judge her OR him or bring it up again from this point forward. 

Thoughts and Rants - good, bad and ugly

Thoughts and Rants - good, bad and ugly
WSo here comes the month of November to financially bite me in the ASS! I've been cursing ALOT lately. I need to tone down! I lost my client so I'm upset. Bye bye passive income.
My SO is an ongoing issue that I am worried about. I see him trying hard now (for the last 2-3 months) with counseling and working hard for us. I still am unsure if I should marry him, though. I'm going in with eyes wide open. I have none of that "we're so in love we can't think" type of foolishness that tears so many apart a year (or 3) later. I know this man and though we're not in the "crazy" in love phase, I loooove this man. I'm seeing our potential money issues and future arguments topics upfront and center. We've been together for 5 years on nov 12.
Knowing and learning that I will need to work at this relationship even when he won't want to, knowing that I will need to stay with him even when/if I'm no longer attracted or feeling "loved" by him or feeling mad at him for something stupid he did, again. Even if he is no longer attracted to me or if he even dislikes who I become. Because that is what actual commitment is. It’s regardless of the mate. What will I do?!

Recognizing too that I will NEVER be a victim again and that I can always, ALWAYS leave a situation that I don't feel comfortable in. Recognizing that God IS my safety, no matter where I am or what/who I choose. Even if my SO leaves the faith, stops studying the bible, loses his connection with the Father ... turns to worldly angry / violent / lying / cheating ways --that I AM STILL required to continue to obey and love the Father while remaining in safety away from SO's or their sin choices and separated from him should he choose to go his own way.

As of 2015 his good and bad qualities have been listed and noted. Hopefully when I read this in 2025 the same good will be there.

The good:
Things about SO I absolutely love.
He completely values my input and listens to me when I speak.
He is always very positive and hopeful about the future.
He is able to conquer any negative mind talk/thinking hurdles. Amazing!
I admire his perseverance to be optimistic.
He is a smiler with me.
We have the same sense of humor. We dont make fun of people or put them down for laughs.
He is a hopeful person.
He is very helpful to me at times
He thinks I am really great at many many things and tells me so.
He tries his best to make me happy.
He is caring and has supported me in really hard times.
He supports my love of music and my creativity- not w/ money, but is always verbally encouraging.
He wants "a loving family and house of love" as I do.
He is not a womanizer.
He loves God and wants to serve Him, too.
He knows the importance of team and cooperation.
He helps me when I am sick or in need (mostly) as best he can
He also helps others in need
He is great w kids, likes them and they like him.
He understands my sexual hang ups and loves me anyway.
We have fun together.
He is kind genuinely / kind hearted.
He is physically sexy.
He is mostly honest/values honesty.
His intentions are usually honest and good.
He believes in Christ and following the Word/Bible as much as I do.
He supports me wanting to be healthy/working out & mostly encourages me.
He cleans for me & works even when he doesn't want to.
He is slowly learning how to say No to things and people.
He is willing to give up his pride w/ money and just let me handle it for now til he is ready/learns how to manage it.
I wanted him to put the effort and desire he has/he uses for his video games, comics, Pokemon & buying toys into our financial building work, our marriage relationship, planning with me and building a focused us - so I can believe there even is a future for us. --- and HE IS definitely doing that right now.

The bad:
Things about SO that annoy me/make me fearful of our future:
I want him to be silent about his "plans" and just DO THEM.
He can be wishy washy with his "plans" aka over promise & under deliver.
He seems to be inconsistent in  his career choices.
I want him to make a choice already so I can support him and help us.
He often talks BS to ppl or makes himself seem more than he is or more than he has.
He does not have good spatial awareness sometimes. Bumps into me and such saying it's an accident. I dont believe in accidents anymore.
He is clumsy.  THIS IS A violence TRIGGER FOR ME.
He seems financially unreliable and not ready to take care of himself or anyone - I want him to be someone I can really rely on as I age and it looks like he won't be.
He seems lazy about relationship "work" & special holidays to me are not special to him and vice versa.
I want him to want to work for us so I can feel good about working for us too.
He is absolutely terrible/disgusting right now with handling or saving our money. He is a rich boy spendthrift & unwise about money. He can't keep a $100 balance for more than a couple weeks...
I want him to be able to financially afford & emotionally be ready/get married so I can feel safe. I can take the risk I am so scared to take because he keeps scaring me when I think I’m ready to take it.
He stops being romantic and working at the relationship at times.
I want him to cook for me and be more romantic and I feel loved when he does acts of service for me. Gives me long massages, sweet cards, does little kind things for me w/out me asking him. My love language is acts of service/quality time.
He does not seem to express his emotions, does not know how to say No to others sometimes, except to me :(
He was/is into physical/violent things like fighting, UCF, MMA, & violent animes. This is a violence/ past is always going to be TRIGGER FOR ME. 

I need Because who is extremely gentle.

The ugly:
WHY AM I SCARED TO TAKE THE MARRIAGE RISK? All the above/below reasons.

I see who I am today and I love her.

I might get flack for this, but I am amazing and here's why I feel this way and finally KNOW this! I'm truly proud of myself! Today I have had a eye opening day of seeing where I have come from to where I am, (not just physically) and I am a strong ass FIGHTER. 

I AM a survivor who is now learning to thrive. You know who I was? I was an abused child, with a drug/alcohol addict who had no idea how to love, a mother with no self esteem, a "loser" in school, was bullied, raped, and I I was suicidal and homeless by the age of 13. 

I later became a drug addict/alcoholic who dated only abusive people and through all those years I thought all of the bad treatment, the pain, the intense self-hatred, the lack of success in my life I suffered was "normal". I looked back today and it is incredible how much I have struggled and by all accounts should be dead, but I'm not! 

First I got myself off the streets. I quit drugs. Then I quit alcohol. Then I started learning that normal guys don't hurt women or see them as sexual objects, & I stopped dating abusive men. I raised myself to have self esteem and learned what it meant. 

Then I freaking quit smoking! Now I am quitting sugar, successfully. Honestly, it was sooo hard to quit all these things AT FIRST!  It was so hard to come to terms with needing to change, but it CAN be done. Step by baby step at a time! One week turns into two which can turn into months! 

One good choice exercised turns into two and so on! This is our fitness journey as well! And baby steps are, one workout, one meal choice at a time. 

Most people are born at normal and generally, safe. I came from nothing and see today that I have fought my way PAST "normal". I will never be normal. Today I am better. I've gone from a life of fear and danger to safety, from hatred /strife to love, emotional poverty to millionaire status. I'm aware. I'm knowledgeable. 

I've lived through things "normal" girls will never ever understand; and I WON! Hell, I'm superhuman! Now I'm battling this illness and trying to get fit and I will WIN! 

I have you, and we have love. I have changed who I was and my whole life has changed course with the grace of God in it. If I can do it with nothing, so can you! :) 

Let's be FIGHTERS! Let's THRIVE! 

Another one..?!

Destined for the life of solitude and sadness it seems. Dusting off the old blog. I am feeling very very sad and alone now that my SO has left the state.

It seems like now he is just too busy for me even in our planned times together. Looks like there are some really rough times ahead for me. I will at least be able to get it all down and documented over the next 3 months. Here are some links for anyone suffering through this..

http://mic.com/articles/111504/9-important-things-you-learn-after-being-in-a-long-distance-relationship

http://markmanson.net/long-distance-relationships

http://time.com/7195/how-skype-is-sabotaging-your-long-distance-relationship/


http://leighalake.com/if-your-mans-confused-cold-or-distant/

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/21-best-tips-making-long-distance-relationship-work.html

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-reasons-long-distance-relationship-will-work.html

My Illness - A (almost) Year in Pictures

In body building they have something called posting of progress pics and we would post pics along with a little blurb of that specific time in our lives of where we have been, what we ate, and where we are. Here is a pictorial journey through time to where I am now physically. Symptoms and all!

These are throwback pics of me before M..

Ah the days of gluten free pizza and veggies are gone! :(

Baked chocolate chip cookies- a thing of the past...

Before we contracted this illness there WERE other issues..both of us had dental work with lidocaine and such, I had been diagnosed with H. Pylori in March 2014 and was on natural and antibiotic meds til the beginning of June when I was cleared of it and totally healed by God.

4/16/2014

6/2/2014

Around late June/ July we had been looking to move in together and went to a bug filled apt (at night) to do "inspection" (of which we subsequently did not take because I am scared of bugs, but who knows what we could have gotten in there?), one friend had adopted a stray cat for a couple weeks and we went to her house, I definitely felt like I had got bitten there by a flea, my other friends had just gotten rid of their flea infestation in their apt and we visited them as well during this time, and I did get bitten by something right before 4th of July we had gone to see family and also had sat  leisurely in their grass. All happening days before the crawling. days before the specks and "biting/stings" ...Days before our lives totally changed.

7/2/2014

This group here is from July 2014
I remember the first sensations of itching and crawling began on my feet intensely, itching was on my chest and stings began on my hands. Strange red rashes began appearing on our bodies after the crazy itching and crawling sensations had already begun.

7/25/2014

7/30/2014

I began getting the strange 'itchy bites" in different areas of my body.

they looked like pimples, but had no pimple white puss stuff, itched a lot and did NOT go away.

We suspected mites or some other bugs?! fleas maybe? Desperate we began to proceed to spend ALL our savings in desperation to rid ourselves of "whatever" this was! Many daily/weekly doctor visits during July - August and into September..  many purchases of products claimed to work on mites, scabies, whatever skin crawling things there were out there on Google!

We would go to doctors by day and research and read online Google "crawling skin, itching skin" by night (there was no sleep option when the crawling was LITERALLY all over the body) and thought it was scabies or mites, so we got rid of ALL our furniture. Bye comfy bed! :(  Hello PLASTIC LIFE.

We had no idea if we were contagious so we stopped touching each other, started wearing gloves and masks, staying as much away from other people as we could and going out in public. We covered everything in plastic and began a "mite cleaning routine" DAILY every morning, which took us HOURS! We literally felt like we were going CRAZY.  Well, I did. He was daily playing Pokemon and just always stating that "God is going to heal me. I am NOT worried." "God will heal me."

This list below was a small part of the routine. We began to get rid of clothing, all personal items, prepare papers and my beloved book collection for shredding and deciding what I could keep or get rid of. Clothes washing on HOT at the laundromat (we didn't want to infect our neighbors) for 2 HOURS wash 2 HOURS dry was time consuming. NO sleep, tired, we fought a lot (I was freaking out, and suicidal. He was patient, giving it to God and just kept saying every day that he is going to be healed, we were going to be fine and this will leave us) but we were still cleaning every day and even steam cleaning the walls and ceilings during this time. 

We quarantined ourselves, and spent a LOT of time trying to decipher what the hell was happening to our bodies. The crawling increased and we began to see specks on our skin where the "pinch" had occurred.

there was SOO many stingings around  the computer and in my car for some reason!

Finally we found evidence of a bug and it was a mite. Just to give an idea of size of thing we were/are dealing with. I took a picture of it next to a pin. Its literally smaller than the pinhead. We thought surely it was them doing all this to us. but where were they?! We never saw them at night..  even when we used to leave the lights on ALL night because we thought it was BIRD mites.















Plastic life with bags before bins...

Sept - Oct 2014 - I moved out of that bug filled apartment that I just couldn't stop getting "bitten" in, moved many miles away into a room that my fiancee paid for for me, left my church, stopped talking to and seeing my friends, my fiancee became homeless and slept in my car, and I found a support group and wealth of information online. I began taking a bunch of supplements for Lymes disease, read up on something called Morgellons and began the hard work on changing my diet. The red rashes, "bites" and crawling continued in this new place with literally no "things" but a plastic bed and a plastic chair. This month was the month that strange brown dots began to start to be increasing on my skin, The skin actually started looking weird and scaly and worse was that I began to get strange scratch marks. Not from me scratching, but just appearing and itching. I also began losing my memory for simple things and I could no longer focus, multiply/ add correctly. It was scary.

 This was a newly built home. Perfect in every way, I miss this place!

 Specks, brown spots followed by more rashes and bites in this time.

 Another day of literally waking up with rashing. =(

 Not just on front of body, but sometimes back too. Randomly. Totally randomly. Freaked me out..

 More strange brown spots by the day..

 More weird "scratches" - with no nails or a cat within 50 miles of me. :(

 This happened at a friends house and was super embarrassing. :( She thought I had a demon... hell at some point so did I, so I went to a healing ministry to be "cleansed"

Finally not sure what the hell was happening to me and still attending college, I looked to science...I  took some of my tapings from my body to my professor (I noticed early on, when I would tape my body the crawlies would subside and "specks" would be on the tape). He mentioned seeing some colored string material like fibers and also a kind of mycota thing in the microscope. 

The itchy "bites" increased around this time. I was now beginning to doubt they were really "bites" at all, since I was now living in a mostly sterile environment (I had stressed that the location MUST be bug free), had organic pesticides done before I moved in and there just were NO bugs there to blame it on. I kept up the same mites routine (as much I could, since I was also becoming totally lethargic most days and confined to the bed a lot more than I wanted) :(  I had trouble concentrating remembering stuff and had to fully stop working.. and go on unemployment.

Unfortunately we also gave this to our friend, D. During this time I began this websites protocol, I just still did not know what I had and I just began lying to people (I made up “reasons” other than being sick to stop seeing anyone), feeling like I had to lie to people and I was begging God to heal me as He had promised. 

9/6/2014

9/27/2014

I repeatedly asked for healing for them and they WERE healed, me on the other hand.. well, you already know I am still waiting. 

I think the "roommate" had just had enough of my incessant cleaning, my now extremely long food preps, my insane washing of clothes preparations/instructions, my cooking, my weird "sleeping" hours (I could not sleep because of crawling, I was literally freaking out on the phone to anyone who would listen, up every night, out walking ALL night so I didn’t have to feel anything on me) The roommate said he didn't think it was "going to work out", he realized he actually just wanted to live alone and thought I should find somewhere more suitable to my many "needs." He just did not understand, (neither did I) my illness and all it entailed to just get through a damn night without symptoms. I left to find some other place that would have me/us with my growing "needs" /  routine. 

Oct - Nov 2014 

I moved out and we found a cheaper place. It was definitely not as nice, but the roommate was also very clean and liked cleanliness (ie. we thought to ourselves; well then she wont freak out by HOW MUCH I need to clean) I learned the diet component of getting this under control & I proceeded to attempt to completely changed my gears diet wise, I quit dairy & ALL my fast food, restaurant food and began tracking my daily diet, symptoms and reading all labels (for hidden sugars) when I had energy level; I began to try my hand at babysitting (of all things a girl who hated kids?!?) and organizer side work since I could not longer work in administration nor string together sentences or type or use programs wittily as I once had. My SO and I came up with side job ideas.

I began begging God to just remove this terrible illness realizing I still could not get rid of it after 3 months attempts on my own! I started going to services at ANY church that would have me to be anointed and prayed over. Was this going to be forever?! Around this time also by skin began "burning/stinging" when I was near ANYTHING from my previous apartment so the purge of throwing away my beloved years of stuff continued. My fiancee was already well & almost not experiencing any symptoms at all by December.

I tried to follow his faith lead and began nightly praying to God too and reading the bible.

My results for my head were that I had a partially empty sella. The Neurologist said that was not related at all to whatever symptoms, pain or lethargy I was having. On paper I was also my 2 PCP's model of a patient in great health … and still.. with the exception of some low iron and Vit D. I suffered on. We visited 4 Dermatologists, a Psychologist and an Infectious Disease Specialist referral as well as 2 Emergency Room visits could say nothing of what we had. I began to give up on medicine seeing no answers or the end of symptoms.

 I had just quit smoking before all this new stress. I really wanted to start up again!

The red rashing and crawling continued on into December. I got many test results back and showed nothing. I don't have Celiacs, I am not pre-diabietic or diabetic, my immune system was said to be “okay”. Now that I had quit sugars, dairy, carbs, and gluten what the hell was I gonna eat?! And if I am so healthy why THE HELL DO I FEEL CRAWLING ALL OVER MY SKIN EVERY SINGLE DAY/NIGHT? Why am I suddenly extremely tired and can’t leave bed when I was doing p90 5 months ago?! Why am I getting these strange itchy "bite" pimple things that aren't pimples?! Where are these spots coming from? I'm getting them in places that don't EVEN GET SUN. Why do all my bones hurt now? Why can’t I add then and gave to leave my college classes?! 

I began this protocol out of desperation.  

I decided in order to treat my body/skin in certain ways with coconut oils and body tapings and spraying this MMS stuff on my scalp, I was going to need to have less hair. I cut mine off to a shaved. :( Bye bye my beautiful girly style. I said fairwell to all my beloved hair that I used to love to color, design and style.

More strange brown spots. :( 

I still kept praying...
10/9/2014

10/21/2014

 I began to desire to learn to cook and also to incorporate healing teas and detox juices and such. I never thought  IN MY LIFE that I would be eating raw onions, raw garlic or any such things I began eating but I was / am desperate!  This was a day I had my blood checked. 

 A day after we moved into the new apt, the place where our room was had flooding from the floors?! Very weird, but we decided to stay because we have no other open to us and our situation / cost effective options.

 The kitchen was nice and comfortable though - which apparently now due to this illness I would spending A LOT of time in. LOL

I still had no idea these grains were being a culprit for symptoms at that time.

  The bathroom ALSO flooded :(

10/17/2014

Nov - December 2014 - this was around the time of our Anniversary and I just had a major breakdown. I did not want to live this way anymore! I did not want to live anymore! I began looking into the alkaline PH balance and checking my PH and body temperature daily. It was often in the 6.0-7.5 range and my body temp was 94-95 degrees. I started to try to understand what was causing certain symptoms.

11/11/2014

We went to church on this day and they had a huge dinner out for everyone. I had tea and freaking almonds. =(  Our Thanksgiving dinner together consisted of him cooking me mixed green vegetables and us having a small piece of turkey. No pie, no sauces, no gravy, no dressings, I broke down again crying on this night also. Sweet of him nonetheless, made me positive this is the man who loves me like no other, and even in my trials he is 100% there for me as much as a person CAN BE in this situation! I LOVE HIM!

Continue to track, track, track.. what can I say I am a natural documenter. =)

 I was not sure if the Lord wanted us to get married or live together since we were not yet married. I didn’t even think about sex before marriage. I was doubting us during this time.

I went from all my girly beauty products to this simple regimen...

These things are all helpful for minimizing symptoms. I still use most all of them.. except menthol I don't seem to need to be as extreme with that anymore.. but when the crawling is too much...I put this everywhere and pop a 3g Melatonin, otherwise I will NOT get any sleep.

Even in the new place with even less stuff, yep, still living the PLASTIC LIFE. :(

 Giving it all up to Jesus, this month/time was INCREDIBLY difficult but I made it through and it was support and God all the way! All credit to Him!

Jan - Feb 2015 -  This month I decided I was going to be a Warrior to myself. I decided I am going after my healing for 2015! I no longer wanted to live in fear of this, but to fight it. I worked hard to tighten up my diet more, I began trying even harder to fight off my damn sugar cravings, realizing what a HOLD sugar had on me, that I NEVER knew! I increased my time in the Word and started getting allies in the fight. I began sharing with my friends my need for their help in order to quit sugar and also their accountability for when I mess up. 

My daily breakfast diet...

I was very depressed about my hair!

"Lint" on everything became a “skin issue” and innocent things would now affect my skin and symptoms. 

Greens for lunch and I wrote my first song in pain after months of suffering with this... its called Open Up My Cage

But I was determined to still fight. 

A microphone and home studio was built for me since I wouldn't be well enough to go out anymore "for awhile".

I looked into releasing the fluids in my Lymph system..

We are beginning the searching for wedding rings...

Feb - March 2015

The studio was put together this month. Freeman and I were determined to have a nice food/symptom free Valentine's Day and still do something fun. He took me to my favorite pasta Italian restaurant in LA and I had filet mignon and vegetables (as I couldn't have any of my usuals). Then we took a drive to San Diego and I had food prepped for the whole drive and stay. Afterward, we came back to LA and went to the Dave n Busters (bringing my own food and snacks, again)

The home "studio" as it is now.

At some point I realized these were the only protein bars I could eat as they had 0-1 g sugar so I became pretty addicted and searched everywhere for them! (Note: WE CANNOT EAT THESE, I found out they have something else in them that makes them bad. OF COURSE! right?!) 

 These are the flavors most places carry - I CANNOT EAT these flavors.

This is the only one I could have.. or so I thought. 

 Valentine's week with my sweet.

Since I had no clothes, someone I worked for was nice enough to give me this dress. Ironically, I was fighting to stay close to Jesus thru my illness and was blessed to show love of Christ, while suffering and still worked hard for my organizer clients (who were devil worshippers) :) 

We had some fights this month. Are we getting married? Aren't we? Are we moving? Aren't we? Are you leaving your job? Aren't you? Am I staying on this protocol? Am I not? What ARE we going to DO?!?! Will we find a doctor? Won’t we?  This was not the best time for us.

Building... this became my motto for March.

March - Apr 2015

This month I was still figuring out if I was even going to get well, still working hard to stick to the diet and difficult disciplines of the cleaning and protocol routines, wondering if we were even getting married anymore and what was going to happen on my birthday now that I can't even have things like birthday cake anymore. God was with me this month and my friends were beginning to come to see me again and not be afraid of this illness... we also got rid of even more of our stuff. :( We found spiders and mites in this place also.

kitchen

 "living" room

This strange rash appeared for about 1 day after my "birthday cake" and protocol "food" was eaten. They really tried. I was not mad at them. It ironically did NOT itch at all. I knew then though I can't even have a gluten free, cheese free, sugar free Blaze pizza. Then 7 days later it was gone. 

Troubled daily by 

the voice of the enemy and a Batman Arkam City

video game move I saw a client do, I wrote this song. Silent Takedown.

I was humbled and blessed for my birthday more than once - this day was a wonderful surprise. 

My best friend K moved away, but I got to see her and have a lunch together - she asked a lot of questions about my new diet.  

My CA family/friends threw me a surprise birthday party, got me a gluten free pizza, made me a sugar free cake of stevia, coconut milk and almonds and bought me clothes (cuz I lost all mine) and so many wonderful things I needed! I was totally blessed!

Friends from my past came to see me even momentarily to celebrate lil ol me. :)

 Apr - May 2015

Questioning everything this month we went to see Pastors about the marriage issue. We were both in the Word daily looking for confirmation from God. I was freaking out about many food related things during this time but still trying to stay strong and fight this illness. I started to think maybe I should quit the Quest bars? I also continued tracking food, health stats and my diet but also began tracking my mood.

My typical breakfast diet looked like and still looks like this,.

My typical lunch is salad. Sometimes my "dessert" is a small 8 oz turmeric milk shake.

Awww, look at that apple. I remember that week. I was hoping I could try to re-introduce a 1/8 slice of that apple. However, I never got to eat it and threw it away because of the crawling and the crawling really intimidates me so I don't feel comfortable enough to add something in.

I had tried adding in a grain "quinoa", but that was a no go from my body. This spiraled me into a week of depression...  and deciding not to add in any grains til body said yes.

4/42015

I never take pictures of dinner, they aren't really that exciting. It's always a lean protein, a vegetable or two, cooked and either salad or another raw vegetable... because of this illness I try not to deviate too much right now.

These are my "allowed" snacks which I have a lot of - with the exception of this coconut yogurt below. I try NOT to have too much of it. I do have a lot of stevia with many things (lemonade stevia water, anyone?) and an insane amount of almonds daily. What can I say? Its the only thing I CAN eat that I like the taste of.

5/7/2015

Usually have 1/4 c of this yogurt only. This is a treat, I don't eat this every day or even every week. 

This is a daily staple. I call this recipe “Almond Butter and Stevia”. LOL It's yummy and hasn't gotten "tired" or played out yet.

I tried this 1 week, and I don't think I can tolerate it yet, even though it is literally only beans as the ingredient. 

is also the month I actually THREW AWAY all my expensive grains. I WAS EXTREMELY upset by this..an the fact that no, I still cannot even eat a 1/3 c of cassava. No carb at all.  I am not sure why. Bye bye grains.. how I wish God would grant me 1 c leniency of quinoa, brown rice, and green apples or a damn berry... 

Another lunch :)

This was a drink that was supposed to take away my crawlies, it did not for me.

 My back and upper body is much stronger now since I started lifting again. Even on this crap no carb diet I have had some little gains.  But clearly the pimple/ itchy "bites" symptom is not gone as you can see on the lower right side.

5/26/2015

Here is what was in my fridge. I tried that almond cheese one time, also but cut it out.

Jun 2015 - future. 

These are pics from yesterday. Looking back over this last year it really doesn't seem that anything has changed symptoms wise at all. I mean I woke up with these itchy bites on my neck once again as I have throughout the entire time I have had this. 

Through these pictures it could seem after all the money I have spent, cleaning and the amount of time on my protocol and changing to new diet has not changed ANYTHING in terms of my symptoms, however, looking at my prayer life, I have changed tremendously in strength of character, relationship with God, understanding of myself and in learning to trust Him. 

and I have NO idea what the hell is going on with my body or why I still have all these symptoms (ON TOP OF THE DREADED PIRATE CRAWLIES!) but I do trust Him to heal me. He said he would (not on my time) and I believe. While I wait AND ACT in faith, I remember the promise.