Out - last contact

8:03 AM Chris: hello?

8:05 AM me: I am dropping your things off tomorrow. there is no need for you to pay for anything. did you get my email? I have been unable to contact you by phone

pls read my email.

goodbye.

Chris: I have. are you sure you don't want to talk about anything?

8:06 AM i have collected and cleaned your things

me: yes. i am sure. i just want us to move out and on with our lives

tomorrow u can go the MB police station

there is no record of this... you can rip up the agreement

Chris: what about dropping it off on my patio?

8:07 AM me: if i can get an officer i will try

Chris: i don't have to be there

me: hmmm i am sorry but i cannot lift your things

Chris: and you may pick up your things

I'm not getting my bonus

me: i do not want my things anymore

i do not want to talk to you anymore

and i want to give you your things and stay alive

goodbye

8:08 AM Chris: well

let's talk until we both get our things back then

me: i dont think u understand

we are not going to talk

only u are getting your things

i am not getting mine

there is no reason to talk

Chris: you are refusing yours

me: pls continue as u have..

Chris: of course there is

me: not answering the phone and no contact

Chris: we're two human beings

(here i wanted to type "no, not both of us are human" but there is no more need.)

me: 60 days pls

60 days

good bye

8:09 AM Chris: ughh.... ok

me: bye

Chris: sure

8:10 AM would you please send me the "death threat" you received.

8:11 AM me: i already did

Chris: to which address?

me: when u accused me of going through your mail which i have not done for ... 5 months

8:12 AM to both

it is the email forwarded to me that i forwarded to you

about "other ways" of dealing with ladies like myself

goodbye

i am blocking you

Chris: i can't find it

me: do not contact me again,. you will get your things

there is nothing for you to pay...

Chris: don't do this

me: let this go

Chris: STOP!

8:13 AM PLEASE!

me: i am leaving

today

Anyone only need to take a look at my diary to tell what the fuck is going on with me. Alot.

A whole lot. I have reread my blog and pretty much from 2007, I have been wanting out of this abusive relationship. As has he. I do not know what the fuck happened to his brain, and I don't care.

I am moving. Leaving this place today, going to somewhere safe.

Tomorrow we are dropping his things off at the station, I am packed and ready to get out of here. I think the guys here understand. Sooo ready! He is fucking trying to have me killed.

You know, looking back when we were "sharing" he said "Rhiannon THOUGHT I pushed her down the stairs, but I didn't, we were fighting and she just slipped." I should have fucking been like "Oh really?" and said "Sorry, it's late, I must get home" and wobbled my ass out the door, happy to be alive and without that shit.

She didn't fucking "slip". He did push her, I know that now because here he is having done the same thing to me, (putting his hands on me abusively) and denying it, again. I loathe what he will tell his new gf about why I left him. He did push me too and very hard and he bruised my arms, hurt my back badly, ironically, the very reason we got together at all. When I met him I had hurt my back on my own, he came in to "save" the day from Brandon, "I'll take care of you" he had said. Oh yeah you did, only to fucking be a worse person in the end. At least Brandon was so self absorbed he wasn't vengeful, but this one is crazy, abusive, on drugs, a thief and AND vengeful as well as a liar.

I only think of him with disgust at this point. He was never the person I thought he was. He has actually become scum in my eyes and a waste of space and life to me. Whatever good he has done for me and to me, or so I thought, has been cancelled out by these last 5 days. He has threatened my life. MY LIFE!! After fucking hurting me already!!!

What?

So yesterday after coming from the courthouse, last night I decided I was not going to go forward with any of this legal and court related bullshit against Chris.

Just when I thought it was safe to go and move on with my life, today after an interview I get an email saying I am trying to extort Chris for money and there is blackmail and all this nonsense going on from my end? That Karin is not in a bar something or other, Bar? Karin isnt a fucking lawyer, she is a friend who cares about me (while I am not capable of doing that right now) that I asked/begged to be the go between from Chris so we could have some seriously needed fucking space, I could focus on getting over this and he didn't have to deal with my anger nor I his. 60 fucking days that was my goal.

Instead there has been all this fucking misunderstanding and now I am defending myself against his friends and family and lawyers of reports of extortion and blackmail. Um, what? I am not sure what he and Karin have been going over, but all I wanted was for him to pay the medical bills for the injury he gave me. I even told her I didn't want any additional money from him (that whole $250 bi weekly shit) which was in the original request.

And it was and remained a request. I don't understand why he didn't just say no. I don't agree and I'm not going to pay? He has had no problem saying no to me in the past!

I also told her last night that I was not going to take any action against him because no matter what he has done, I do not want to and am not going to ruin his life and NEVER speak to him again. I wanted to be able to call him in 5 years when we have forgotten each other and all this shit, and just say "how are you doing?" and leave it at that!

Instead he is/was trying to ruin mine this whole time! All this based on a miscommunication and no communication from me, anger and basically maybe just hating me. I don't know.

Anyway, after reading that, I decided then and there that this has been blown FAR out of proportion isn't even worth the additional stress. I am in more pain after reading that than I was before reading it. I have been gravely misunderstood and he is in complete denial mode of physically hurting me. He wants to deny it, fine. I don't care at this point. What this means to me, is I want to give him his things, get my things and I want no contact to/from him from that point.

I have no idea how I am going to pay for these bills, but fucking fuck the shit that is going on now, I mean what the fuck is he thinking? What is he telling people? I didn't press charges against him, I have no orders, I declined to make a permanent report because I knew that it would be bad for him, and he is out hanging out, talking shit about me, dating, getting a lawyer for.... a request I made to him that has the wrong language, that I wrote in writing myself. For between HIM AND I to agree or disagree, negotiate etc. Not courts, lawyers, family, friends. He must really be ashamed or scared or fucking nuts.

They have threatened my life. He has actually had his "friend" threaten my life. "There are "other ways" to deal with me?" What kind of person does that? Here I am thinking of him and completely being fair and deciding I would never want to do anything fucked up to him, while he is spending all day trying to take me for all I have, have me killed/maimed/raped who knows? and totally lie about me and what happened. Instead of "yeah, I pushed her, I made a mistake but I'm just gonna say no. " Then say no to me, to the agreement, to talking to Karin. Or "Hey, I am just not going to pay for this, I don't care what I did to you, go fuck yourself."

How could he behave like such a criminal? Who cares. I cannot think about him. I can only focus on going and moving out of here tonight and fucking saving myself. I have been calling him to tell him to rip up the agreement and just that I am giving him his things back, and he isn't answering. I am aware you don't want to talk to me, I don't want to talk to you either, I just want to give you your damn things! Ugh...

I'm not some espresso machine

I am a person. A living breathing person with feelings and wants and feels pain. Pain caused by someone I love. Who keeps on giving nothing but pain in his emotionless, detached coldness and inconsistency of promise.

I am broken. Tonight I met with Karin to discuss once more an agreement with Chris that will hopefully be agreed to so I can get some treatment and get better.

After going to the courthouse I realized I fucking love Chris more than anything and would not want to go through with that. I am giving him one more chance. 3 to 5 years is a LONG time not to talk to someone.

I realized I do not want that. No contact ever, not to see how he is doing, not to know if he ever made his dreams come true or he got better with the surfing and hockey. Him go to jail. No fucking way.. I do NOT want that.

Regardless of the monster he became, and how much he has hurt me, though I don't want to be with him, I love him more than anything and would never want to ruin his life.

Somehow, someway I am going to get through this. If he does not even agree to these shorter and more final terms as well as cheaper for him, then I have no other choice that to proceed with the fucking shit I do not want to do to get my treatments paid for. He wants nothing to do with me ever again, but is hopefully still open to this last option of an agreement, not even with me, with Karin. She and I are alike in that the important thing to us is that it is fair to him but still allows me get my back better.

If not, well then I am fucked and need to take the only option someone who is fucked has. Backed into a corner, come out fighting. =( Let's hope not.

Why?!!!?

So today I went to get a restraining order against Chris. I went to the police station and they told me that the state goes after the perpetrator no matter what happened/ no matter what the victim wants or thinks. Some new domestic violence law to protect the large amount of women (apparently over 68%) who make reports then try to take the guy back or cancel the reports, they end up taking the guy back and he kills them. So now they don't let the victim do/say anything. The state goes after the guy.

This is NOT what I wanted. Damnit, I just wanted him to pay for my medical bills so I could find a fucking job and move on with my life. He refuses to give me the money upfront. He makes $65k per year and is actually negotiating the $250 bi-weekly verbal agreement we had (of which I would be returning 50% of the money to him anyway once working!). I am shocked that he is behaving this way. Now the order/court will have to determine the amount and that is determined by cost of treatment/length etc.

I am sure all he thinks is I want his money, and that I am a horrible crazy person, which couldn't be further from the truth. I love him. I loved him and do not want to do this. He continues to say he did not really hurt me, and that he wants nothing to do with me, instead of saying "yes, I will pay for this grave mistake I made and also leave you alone."

I cannot control what or how he thinks. I just know that I don't want to do this. I want to scream please just agree to the agreement so we can move on and don't have to take this route but I feel like he is forcing me to because he is completely in denial and only acting out in detachment/anger.

I am so sad and my body hurts all over. I hate this situation.

Job Interview and more PAIN today :(

So with Chris completely re-negging on helping me and now me owing money to Dr. Jochen I am not sure what is going to happen. I went on a job interview (brace and all) and hopefully I will be able to work soon. I am in so much pain and my leg is going numb again.

I am very scared and I don't know what I am going to do. I have handed this whole thing over to Karin who is better capable of taking care FOR me than I am against Chris's manipulations and words, false promises and blame tactics. The amount of time I spend thinking about how Chris never loved me/what a fool I was/how I miss him so much, is directly relational to the amount of time I NEED TO spend focusing on myself and how the hell I am going to get myself out of this mess. He blames me for everything. He is acting like he actually has completely forgotten all he learned in his therapy. He still doesn't even think he hurt me. How could I miss THAT?

Whenever I read the book I realize he must not have read it very much or done any of the actual exercises, all one has to do is look at his current behavior. He may have gone to therapy and gotten "released" but he is obviously not cured, or I would not be in pain, would not be wearing a brace and would have had no damage to my back. I think he manipulated the Doctor as he has done to me.

I never realized just how evil and manipulative he was. I thought of him so differently. He never had any intention of helping me and he showed that as soon as I decided not to talk to him anymore. He wanted to help me, ONLY IF he thought he was going to get something he wanted. Just goes to show everything associated with Brandon, is BAD for me. I met him through Brandon and whoever the bible reading, seemingly caring person is I met on the phone in November of 06, is dead for whatever reason, by whatever means.

I went to the interview with good intentions and tried to have a happy outlook. I feel good about it and hope that I will be able to begin working sooner than later at least to cover current costs. With that my "Why should I have to be the one who has to_____________'s:"

"Why should I have to be the one who has to_____________?

• contemplate why it didnt work out
• put all the time and work into us that I have and was going to continue to like an ass
  
• has to let go and get over him because he didn't love me and was a total jerk to me
• has to pretend I am ok with all this?
• has to feel pain every morning and remember that the person I chose to love did this to me
• keep feeling this way/be reminded of his complete lack of respect for me and blame of me
• ask/beg for money to get better when he is the one who hurt me and should WANT to pay for that, should actually be SORRY and show compassion and remorse.
  
• negotiate with him for myself (my own care) when I don't have my own interests in mind, only appealing to his.
• be sad about this breakup while he is fine and probably dating/getting to know someone else
  

absolutely! -

A letter Chris will never receive because I just realized this will only give him glee and satisfaction which compared with the pain I am in - he does not deserve from me.




Chris,
...all those terrible things you had to say about me, and our relationship are absolutely true. Sure, I am so glad you finally realized it. Now please leave me alone, forever.

Just fucking leave me alone.

Friends, only for the healthy people..

Well, it doesn't take long for people to get sick of me. Here I am trying to use these psuedo friendships to springboard some action in assisting to get away from Chris and instead I am only pushing them away with my insanity.

It's really time to go it alone and see how long I can do it before I fucking break. When I say break I mean can't walk again, have no job, no friends, and no way of fucking leaving CA.

No one can do this for me but me. Well, then that means I am gonna just have to do the best I damn can.

Romantic Revisionist

So in order to keep things in perspective I am admonished to remember the bad, because though there may have been bright spots in the relationship, the truth is things changed and its important to remember they did.

"If your ex did any of the following you are no longer allowed to say how great they were because these cancel out any previous good behavior.

He cheated on you.
He belittled you.
He lied to you.
He disappeared on you.
He frequently blew you off.
He had a Kenny G CD.
He was abusive.
He put you down.
He had a girlfriend.
He had a boyfriend.
He stole money.
He hated your family (assuming you like them)
He yelled at you in public.
He was married to someone else.
He though Gigli was a great film.
He hated your friends.
He made out with your friends.
He never appreciated what a total hottie you are!

THE BEST WORST NEWS
The bad news is you have been kidding yourself. The good news is somewhere inside you already knew that. No one wants to admit "I am in love with an asshole" Even if he was great, being great
does not mean that he was great for YOU.

You will find the freedom to kick this in the ass and let go.

:) On my Own Tonight

Kate Nash and I are in the same place.

Foundations
Thursday night, everything's fine,
Except you've got that look in your eyes,
when I'm telling a story And you find it boring you're thinking of something to say.
You'll go along with and then drop it
And you humiliate me, in front of our friends.

Then I'll use that voice what you find annoyin'
And say something like
"intelligent input darlin' why don't you just have another beer then?"

Then you call me a bitch and everyone we're with will be embarrassed,
and I won't give a shit.

[Chorus:]
My fingertips are holding onto the
cracks in our foundations,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And everytime we fight I know it's not right,
everytime that you're upset and I smile
I know I should forget, but I can't.

You said I must eat so many lemons,
'cause I am so bitter.
I said "I'd rather be with your friends mate,
'cause they are much fitter"

Yes it was childish
and you got aggressive
and I must admit that I was a bit scared,
but it gives me thrills to wind you up.

[Chorus]

Your face is pasty,
'cause you've gone and got so wasted,
what a surprise,
don't want to look at your face,
'cause it's making me sick.

You've gone and got sick on my trainers,
I only got these yesterday.
Oh my gosh, I cannot be bothered with this.

Well I'll leave you there till the mornin',
and I purposely won't turn the heating on
and dear God, I hope I'm not stuck with this one.

[Chorus]

And every time we fight I know it's not right,
every time that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

Merry Happy - Kate Nash
Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt form you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret
'Cause I can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do)

Hair Dye New me, Good-bye

So this week I will be dying my hair. I don't have ANY money right now. I need to move my room around and I need to get rid of this sad "ol' Chris" look.

I feel great that I am not that stupid or desperate or fooled by his actions and and anti-action. My judgment is not clouded or wanting, hoping for something better from someone has clearly shown and continues to show they will not and cannot give it. I am rather glad to be alone, and well, actually I have learned I am not completely alone, I have God, myself, my family, the girls, and my doctor. I need to get better acquainted with a special second one of that list. (though I never have before).

I have not made great choices in that regard. My antenna is broken. I thought I was getting a better catch but I just got a "different" bad catch. This one was able to actually see, or pretend to see and want to work on (though he completely deteriorated into the worst person I have ever known, at the end) his own responsibility for at least a few good months.

It is best I find out he was not that into me now, than another lie, another cheat, or another bruise, another high, another let down later. I am grateful for everything we had that was good for the short time it was. I am grateful this was a strong ass message that I really don’t know what I am doing in the relationship arena and that I really deserve better than what I had.

This is what should have happened post-Brandon. This is THAT time. The time that inevitably sneaks up on us no matter how long it takes (1 year and half this time). That time to grieve, to learn, to ask why and be angry, to want to go back in/go backward cuz its scary out here, and then to realize they have already moved on because they didn't care like you did, to be stronger and accept the loss, the abuse and the overall defeat of it all, the bad choices, and then...grow in that strength and make a better choice.

This is THAT time.

Tonight

was great! I had a great time with the girls. A bunch of people called to wish me Happy Birthday. It was soo sweet. Talk about going from completely unlovable in the eyes of one person to obviously loveable in the eyes of many?! The outpour of love was sooo sweet. Even my therapist called and sang me Happy Birthday on my answering machine. Fuck Chris and his inability to care.

I was all set to not show and cancel my time with them, let them know I was too depressed to go, but then I resolved to just leave my house and get there and then leave, but one by one they all showed up, FOR ME.

We proceeded to have a great dinner. Talk about our lives and share in some great conversation. Since one of my wishes was to dance and sing out loud, they made it happen for me! Afterward, we went out and I danced. Not well, because I am still broken, (thanks for the injury present, Chris) but I tried. Yes, I am also going to be sore tomorrow.

Chris is re-negging (as only an asshole would) on paying for my medical bills. He just wants his "things" back. Um, they have been here for over 2 months, suddenly you need them back, like, yesterday? Am I going to have to take his ass to court and press charges, unfortunately to get my just rewards (treatment) from this abuse. Like he asked, I will not be telling him and he will have no heads up.

Its like they said "it can be you or it can be him because sooner or later the calls will stop or they will meet someone else".

Even strangers

are capable of caring more and being more thoughtful about me than the fucking loser men I choose.

I JUST MET these people about 4 hours ago and happened to tell them it was my birthday ..in passing. At 3pm there was a cake slice and a card delivered to my roommates to be given to ME.





This made me cry incredibly hard. Chris NEVER really loved me, nor did he even like me very much. God, I can only think right now and know in my heart that I will be so glad it's over.

Birthday Awesome-ness

So today I get to celebrate the awesome-ness that is me! Alone. And from the mouth of my family that is these qualities.

• my laughter
• my intelligence
• my overall personality
• my beautiful person
• my determination
• my passion
• my considerate nature
• my being very talented
• being a people person/outgoing
• upbeat
• creative/artistic
• my thoughtfulness
• my everything
• my great disposition
• that I always give the best advice
• my being an explorer and adventurous
• my nobility
• I'm very "relate-able"? (that people can relate to me, I think)
• my caring
• my sweet person
• my great heart
• that I'm always changing
• my dedication
• that I'm a survivor
• that I have lots of love
• that the older I get the better I get
• my courageousness and bravery

Something to Remember that you know in your heart is true..

He broke up with me, but says he wants to get back together, He and I have been dating and he says he wants to marry me but hasnt, He is generally drunk or high when we are together but I like him better this way right, He has cheated on me but he insists he didnt know what he was doing or that he didnt mean it and wasnt thinking. but "he says he loves me"..

Do I really deserve a man who isn't capable of thinking of whether he wants his dick in someone else or me?
Do I really want to be with someone who would break up with me, have no regard for my feelings and generally only thinks of himself?

What "I love you" really means:
I am not that into you.
I don't respect you anymore.
I don't want to be in a relationship with you.
I am not going to marry you.
I will be open to using you, but that is all I can commit to.

Because...

He needs a pen pal, a phone buddy, a fuck buddy a something other than a real giving, caring, competent, sober, loving relationship with YOU.

A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If hes not calling you to tell you he loves and wants you it should only be because he has showed up at your new residence to do it in person sincerely. If he's not trying to romance your socks off with dates, flowers, sincere poetry/songs, it should only be because he's too engrossed in his couples counseling workbooks and is prioritizing getting himself back on th right track WITH YOU. He knows what you want, you have already told him many times, if he hasnt done it by now .. its because HE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

If he's not doing any of that, he may "love you", he may "miss you", but ultimately he doesn't AND HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Stop taking his calls, and find someone who really is THAT INTO YOU. Let him really know what its like to live without you.

The reason he "misses you" is because he is choosing every day to be without you. He is choosing to NOT be with YOU. He should miss YOU. YOU are missable. :)

He is sniffing for something better and when he doesn't find it, he gets lonely and comes back to you. Its not that he's into me, its that he is NOT so into being alone sometimes.

Hes just not that into you if:
He's not asking you out
He's not calling you
He's not dating you
He's not having or wanting to have sex with you
He's having sex with someone else
He's only wants to see you when he is drunk or high
He's doesn't want to marry you
He's breaking up with you
He's disappeared on you
He's already married or insane variations on this unavailability
He's a Selfish Jerk, a Bully or a Really Big Freak