apologize to myself for caring for someone and going far around the bend for someone who did not realize my worth, my love and who I did not matter much to. Whatever they have said it was not enough to change their negative ways and believe they would happy with me. I know you deserve better. =)
Tonight is gonna be awesome! Kinda like a date but.. better - it's with 7 girls! I checked Chris's email today for the last time and asked him to change his password. What I found in there is unspeakable, but it is a testament to why it is important for me to let go and not speak to him.
My back and neck is hurting today so much! I need to get the healing on - in more ways than one!
Friday, May 2, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
60 Days - Day 26
Thought I forgot about my 60 day notebook? Huh? Nope. Today is Day 26.
1) 60 days without talking to him is going to be hard because _________.
- I have spoken to him recently, someone say "backslide!"
- I don't have the # deleted yet
- I get lonely sometimes.
- Now I KNOW he is moving on with this Dawn chick.
- Wish better for him than he does
- See him/think of him with other women when all he had to do was change unhealthy behaviors.
- When I am not busy/ watch a scene or hear a song that reminds me
- When I am driving, or in the shower.
- When I am sleeping.
- keep a blog
- see Sandra and Karin
- wash my clothes /clean my room
- rest and read my bible/pray
- go to church and my CoDA meeting tonight (express myself!)
- cook a nice meal for myself
- negotiate my hourly rate/plan my mealsdoctor
- drink water/step study
- call Dr. Carrico
- remember that I have already gone 26 days without speaking to him, what is one more?
- God to pray to/to cry myself to sleep to/to wake up in thanks to
- Meetings
- Family
- friends
- my strength
- my will
- my love of myself
- my self esteem
- my will to change
- my sense of humor
- my legs at least
- my boundaries
- a new life
- its not, its just not retarded.
Backsliding and Retrospect
I spoke to Chris yesterday. Why he called me and emailed me out of the blue is unknown.
Yes, it was all kinds of feelings things. Chris apologized for what he has done, though he still does not admit to "pushing" me. He admits to hurting me tremendously. I apologized for what I had done to him, though I did not admit to everything I have ever done to him either. We both stated we forgive one another. We both know that we abused one another.
His idea I think was to keep the focus on now. "well, how am I acting now?" "how do you feel now?" and that "he is changing" and he knows I have heard this before. Well, in my new view "now" is fleeting. "Now" is changeable and inconsistent. Now is uncertain and I am no longer attracted to uncertain or "danger ahead". He said he has stopped smoking weed now. He has quit drugs and is focusing on his addiction now. That he has "learned about honesty now". He said that he wants to give me money for my back and that he does not feel it was enough. Truth is, it wasn't. I do need money but I don't need it with expectations. If he chooses to give it to me of his own good will, that will be another building block toward restorative action.
Only over a long period of time will it be apparent that he has actually changed for him or has learned something from these events for his own good and during that time I will only be focusing on me, not him. He will not be a part of my life during that time.
I told him that I am happy for him. He has since lost my trust so I do not really believe in anything he says. Yet I did not promise him tomorrow, or next month or next year. I remained adamant with my message of no contact. I told him I do not want to be friends, I still do not want to talk, and I want time with NO CONTACT at all. Not an email or a call. I did not give in and say ok, you've changed this time, let's get back together! Nor did he ever mention or allude to wanting to be with me. He does not want to get back together and he does not want to be together.
I realized last night, that it was good for me to speak to him and get my expressions out, and get his view on what he has done to me (however distorted, in my opinion) it lets me know where he is in relation to me, and that is outside of my house in another state. I asked him what does he want from me and he said he wants to show me that he cares. He asked what can he do to show me that he cares and I told him honestly. "Stop doing drugs, get therapy/abuse counseling, stop lying and let time tell." It aint easy, but it is really simple.
Those were our biggest problems, and probably will be in his next relationship, and his next, and his next if he does not change these things. Whether he can/cant, does or doesn't is no longer my concern.
I also let him know that I am fine with and expect him to be moving on quickly (ie. having sex with the others). He said it wasn't about moving on, but it is and it was and really again, only time will tell. As we hung up, he sounded relieved that it is over and he sounded like he had gotten some real closure. Last call! Last call. Last email. What is that? It is last when it is the last.
Anyway, I feel good today. I am going over my goals and determining my next moves within the faith and trying to quit cigarettes once more, heal my back and get ready for roller derby, surfing, and beach volleyball. A friend last night did something I found reprehensible and I let them know it right away (1st incident is last or else). I am proud of myself AGAIN. Boundaries. Without fear or need of approval. If I did not have my faith in God...well, like Latifah sings in the new Hairspray.."I know where I have been". It wasn't healthy, it wasn't safe and it definitely wasn't fulfilling or happy.
There's a road We must travel
There's a promise We must make
'Cause the riches Will be plenty
Worth the risk And chances that we take
There's a dream In the future
There's a struggle We have yet to win
Use that pride In our hearts
To lift us up To tomorrow
'Cause just to sit still Would be a sin
I know it, I know it I know where I'm going
And the Lord knows I know..Where I've been
Yes, it was all kinds of feelings things. Chris apologized for what he has done, though he still does not admit to "pushing" me. He admits to hurting me tremendously. I apologized for what I had done to him, though I did not admit to everything I have ever done to him either. We both stated we forgive one another. We both know that we abused one another.
His idea I think was to keep the focus on now. "well, how am I acting now?" "how do you feel now?" and that "he is changing" and he knows I have heard this before. Well, in my new view "now" is fleeting. "Now" is changeable and inconsistent. Now is uncertain and I am no longer attracted to uncertain or "danger ahead". He said he has stopped smoking weed now. He has quit drugs and is focusing on his addiction now. That he has "learned about honesty now". He said that he wants to give me money for my back and that he does not feel it was enough. Truth is, it wasn't. I do need money but I don't need it with expectations. If he chooses to give it to me of his own good will, that will be another building block toward restorative action.
Only over a long period of time will it be apparent that he has actually changed for him or has learned something from these events for his own good and during that time I will only be focusing on me, not him. He will not be a part of my life during that time.
I told him that I am happy for him. He has since lost my trust so I do not really believe in anything he says. Yet I did not promise him tomorrow, or next month or next year. I remained adamant with my message of no contact. I told him I do not want to be friends, I still do not want to talk, and I want time with NO CONTACT at all. Not an email or a call. I did not give in and say ok, you've changed this time, let's get back together! Nor did he ever mention or allude to wanting to be with me. He does not want to get back together and he does not want to be together.
I realized last night, that it was good for me to speak to him and get my expressions out, and get his view on what he has done to me (however distorted, in my opinion) it lets me know where he is in relation to me, and that is outside of my house in another state. I asked him what does he want from me and he said he wants to show me that he cares. He asked what can he do to show me that he cares and I told him honestly. "Stop doing drugs, get therapy/abuse counseling, stop lying and let time tell." It aint easy, but it is really simple.
Those were our biggest problems, and probably will be in his next relationship, and his next, and his next if he does not change these things. Whether he can/cant, does or doesn't is no longer my concern.
I also let him know that I am fine with and expect him to be moving on quickly (ie. having sex with the others). He said it wasn't about moving on, but it is and it was and really again, only time will tell. As we hung up, he sounded relieved that it is over and he sounded like he had gotten some real closure. Last call! Last call. Last email. What is that? It is last when it is the last.
Anyway, I feel good today. I am going over my goals and determining my next moves within the faith and trying to quit cigarettes once more, heal my back and get ready for roller derby, surfing, and beach volleyball. A friend last night did something I found reprehensible and I let them know it right away (1st incident is last or else). I am proud of myself AGAIN. Boundaries. Without fear or need of approval. If I did not have my faith in God...well, like Latifah sings in the new Hairspray.."I know where I have been". It wasn't healthy, it wasn't safe and it definitely wasn't fulfilling or happy.
There's a road We must travel
There's a promise We must make
'Cause the riches Will be plenty
Worth the risk And chances that we take
There's a dream In the future
There's a struggle We have yet to win
Use that pride In our hearts
To lift us up To tomorrow
'Cause just to sit still Would be a sin
I know it, I know it I know where I'm going
And the Lord knows I know..Where I've been
Hairspray
Today/Tonight - much happened -not down at 12:30a. I am going to bed. I will write more tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Norah Jones and my ruined night
Well, karaoke was awesome. I was having a great time singing along with others and did my own great rendition of "Fever".
Then someone decided they wanted to sing Norah Jones-Don't Know Why, and I DON'T KNOW WHY but I started crying my eyes out right there in the bar. I just broke out into tears. Memories came flooding of a Chris who actually took a couple moments to help me, listen to me, and turn off the lights, burn candles, turn on soothing music and just.. hold me sweetly while Norah songs played. I deserve a man who would do that for me often, not just on one or two nights that I can recall.
Ugh. It was horrid. I got tissues and continued crying hard through the whole song, Sandra with her arms around me. Finally, I left after trying to happily sing What Goes Around-Justin Timbertoes.
Anyway, I drove by his house on the way home against my better judgment. Car Honda was in the front (probably fixed, with all the money he has now), the lights were off, and I drove by there for about 1 minute just looking at his window and just imagined him lying with someone else, high and then drove off. It is better for me to think and pretend he has moved on and is already fucking other women because he is not going to change and be less abusive, more honest, or less on drugs.
I still deserve better, even though Norah helped me clean out my tear ducts tonight. I did not call him as tempted.
I still deserve to someday find someone with a higher sweetness/goodness/soberness count.
Then someone decided they wanted to sing Norah Jones-Don't Know Why, and I DON'T KNOW WHY but I started crying my eyes out right there in the bar. I just broke out into tears. Memories came flooding of a Chris who actually took a couple moments to help me, listen to me, and turn off the lights, burn candles, turn on soothing music and just.. hold me sweetly while Norah songs played. I deserve a man who would do that for me often, not just on one or two nights that I can recall.
Ugh. It was horrid. I got tissues and continued crying hard through the whole song, Sandra with her arms around me. Finally, I left after trying to happily sing What Goes Around-Justin Timbertoes.
Anyway, I drove by his house on the way home against my better judgment. Car Honda was in the front (probably fixed, with all the money he has now), the lights were off, and I drove by there for about 1 minute just looking at his window and just imagined him lying with someone else, high and then drove off. It is better for me to think and pretend he has moved on and is already fucking other women because he is not going to change and be less abusive, more honest, or less on drugs.
I still deserve better, even though Norah helped me clean out my tear ducts tonight. I did not call him as tempted.
I still deserve to someday find someone with a higher sweetness/goodness/soberness count.
Monday, April 28, 2008
30 days almost!
I love this poem. It sums up how I feel today.
After Awhile
After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn.....
-Veronica Shoffstall
I went to the Dr. today and began my first of 3 treatments on the DRX and physical therapy. I hope to be working by next week and continuing strong in my current path.
I am wildly impressed and proud of myself. I have gone almost 24 days without speaking to Chris! Who would have thought I could do that? Not me, looking back I remember how harsh I was with him when he had wanted to spend even just 3 days to himself. Of course, he was also cheating and I couldn't trust him, but with someone else, I have learned through this that I will be able to give that person time in the future as well as request my own time away and relish it for them AND for me.
I have realized that was a mistake on my part. I don't think I thought I was really capable of being alone, until now. I am learning that I can, and that I will still live. LOL. That it is really preferable in the relationship for the long term, to be able to spend a lot of time apart-doing your own things.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Dont fucking touch me!
Gosh tonight was HARD not to be touched at all by strangers! Dinner at CPK was alot of fun!
At Backstage, people bumping into me, um, everywhere we went. The Backstage Grill was soooo crowded. I did my best not to have anyone touch me, but there were so many people that the whole time I was crowded in. I had a great time nonetheless and will try to be stronger against this next time I am in a very crowded place, or leave.
Pancho's should be easier on the body at least and the ears. :) God bless me tonight, hopefully not too many bad dreams. Church in Torrance with Karin in the am should be interesting.
Goodnight to me! Goodnight to me! Goodnight to me! Goodnight to me! Goodnight to Goodnight to me! Goodnight to me! e! Goodnight to me! Goodnight to me! Goodnight to me!
At Backstage, people bumping into me, um, everywhere we went. The Backstage Grill was soooo crowded. I did my best not to have anyone touch me, but there were so many people that the whole time I was crowded in. I had a great time nonetheless and will try to be stronger against this next time I am in a very crowded place, or leave.
Pancho's should be easier on the body at least and the ears. :) God bless me tonight, hopefully not too many bad dreams. Church in Torrance with Karin in the am should be interesting.
Goodnight to me! Goodnight to me! Goodnight to me! Goodnight to me! Goodnight to Goodnight to me! Goodnight to me! e! Goodnight to me! Goodnight to me! Goodnight to me!
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Skull Ring
So I thought of Chris today when looking at a special skull ring, I thought oh he would love this skull ring, I should get it for him. Then I thought, yeah, um no? Why would I spend my hard earned money (or money I don't have) on someone who wouldn't even admit to hurting me or thinks about me at all anymore? Asshole.
ah...reason, ah self esteem - thank God I have you now. Sometime ago in my youth, just seeing the ring would have made me buy it, fall back, call him and actually try to get back together with him?! I have come a LONG fucking way...
I'm off to get ready for Backstage tonight. Gonna be so much fun!!
:)
Oh Scary Night
Friday, April 25, 2008
Forgetting Sarah Marshall review
Funny. Interesting commentary. A couple of sweet tender moments. A couple of alarming abuse references. I will take in all I can and write more about this tomorrow.
I thought of Chris only once the entire night, (when I was watching the surf scene) sadly but wistfully thinking of how he will never see me on a surfboard in Hawaii. Another thing I determined is I may go to Hawaii this year alone. I will surf there and I will have fun on the beaches. It is too beautiful to ever be sad there.
I thought of Chris only once the entire night, (when I was watching the surf scene) sadly but wistfully thinking of how he will never see me on a surfboard in Hawaii. Another thing I determined is I may go to Hawaii this year alone. I will surf there and I will have fun on the beaches. It is too beautiful to ever be sad there.
Praise 2
What a great day to give thanks and praise! I am listening to Napoleon Hill. It is inspirational to know that God has blessed so many people in so many ways. Where is the credit to him for all he has given you? Well, I am here to give him credit.
Tonight I am going to the movies to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I hope it will be good. I got the call from my interview. They wanted me to start ASAP. I had to let them know I am getting treatments so I will need a flexible schedule and time to get treatments this week and next and I prayed on it last night, and then let go saying whatever is your will God, I am ready. Today they called me and said they are fine with being flexible for my treatments! Talk about blessings!
Thinking back to before Chris pushed me, that company that rejected me, was not for me. It was not in God's will. Here I am one month later, single, with friends, a job, a place to live, a car, and an opportunity to heal as well! I am ready to give back. I am ready to continue on my path to righteousness as well as excitement and fervor in living my life healthfully and gratefully.
Today in Borders I read about the ouch factor which I completely agree with now. Years ago I didn't even think this way. But here it is.
1) Know
2) Trust
3) Rely
4) Commit
5) Touch
That is the order of things. That is safety. Any narcissist I meet in the future will leave during the "know" phase because they are not capable of true sharing and run from it.
Any abusive man will also leave me during the "know" phase as they are quick to move to "touch" and will show themselves almost immediately. How dare you be that comfortable to touch me at all?
As it states each level of giving, should be only as high as the ONE PRIOR.
I used to do it so differently! Starting with touch, what a fucking mistake! No wonder I was lost and later, hurt each time. There was NO "KNOW" period, def NO TRUST or RELY period. It was a couple days of sharing and attraction and BOOM I was there for what I thought was "life". Gonna get married, this is the one for me, he gave me the time of day, Ugh, how gross that distortion is.
I am better than that. Work to get me to open up to YOU, Stranger. I will no longer give of myself at all. No info. No wishes or desires to share. YOU SHARE. YOU SHOW. I TAKE TIME AND WATCH YOU.
Just watching. Behaviors, past relationships, treatment of others, any addictions?
Tonight I am going to the movies to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I hope it will be good. I got the call from my interview. They wanted me to start ASAP. I had to let them know I am getting treatments so I will need a flexible schedule and time to get treatments this week and next and I prayed on it last night, and then let go saying whatever is your will God, I am ready. Today they called me and said they are fine with being flexible for my treatments! Talk about blessings!
Thinking back to before Chris pushed me, that company that rejected me, was not for me. It was not in God's will. Here I am one month later, single, with friends, a job, a place to live, a car, and an opportunity to heal as well! I am ready to give back. I am ready to continue on my path to righteousness as well as excitement and fervor in living my life healthfully and gratefully.
Today in Borders I read about the ouch factor which I completely agree with now. Years ago I didn't even think this way. But here it is.
1) Know
2) Trust
3) Rely
4) Commit
5) Touch
That is the order of things. That is safety. Any narcissist I meet in the future will leave during the "know" phase because they are not capable of true sharing and run from it.
Any abusive man will also leave me during the "know" phase as they are quick to move to "touch" and will show themselves almost immediately. How dare you be that comfortable to touch me at all?
As it states each level of giving, should be only as high as the ONE PRIOR.
I used to do it so differently! Starting with touch, what a fucking mistake! No wonder I was lost and later, hurt each time. There was NO "KNOW" period, def NO TRUST or RELY period. It was a couple days of sharing and attraction and BOOM I was there for what I thought was "life". Gonna get married, this is the one for me, he gave me the time of day, Ugh, how gross that distortion is.
I am better than that. Work to get me to open up to YOU, Stranger. I will no longer give of myself at all. No info. No wishes or desires to share. YOU SHARE. YOU SHOW. I TAKE TIME AND WATCH YOU.
Just watching. Behaviors, past relationships, treatment of others, any addictions?
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Praise!
So this day is a great morning to give some praise! What a great day. I am thankful. My back is hurting so much right now, but I am going to get the strength to go out there today and see the glory of God and I know that this pain "shall pass" when the time is right.
I thank God for his love and wisdom and trials in my life to show me the way. For his messages to me in various ways showing themselves. I am going to begin decompression next week for my back. 3 sessions should do it for me. They are $100 each, but I should be well on my way to wellness hopefully afterward.
I am giving back the car, and will be taking the bus everywhere instead. I am preparing to hopefully begin looking for work/start working again soon. I went on an interview this am and watched "Max" last night while drinking wine and have some cheese and crackers.
I need to keep my promise to Jesus today and care for myself with the excited fervor and preparation of living forever. This is much easier to feel worthy of love when there is no one in your life who is going out of their way at times to tear you down or say things that feel bad or show in actions they just aren't committed to you or don't respect you.
I am "the tasty mako that will be great mesquite grilled in lemon sauce" - NOT THEM. Being lonely SUCKS but being with someone I feel bad around or doesn't honor me in actions, is waaay worse.
I thank God for his love and wisdom and trials in my life to show me the way. For his messages to me in various ways showing themselves. I am going to begin decompression next week for my back. 3 sessions should do it for me. They are $100 each, but I should be well on my way to wellness hopefully afterward.
I am giving back the car, and will be taking the bus everywhere instead. I am preparing to hopefully begin looking for work/start working again soon. I went on an interview this am and watched "Max" last night while drinking wine and have some cheese and crackers.
I need to keep my promise to Jesus today and care for myself with the excited fervor and preparation of living forever. This is much easier to feel worthy of love when there is no one in your life who is going out of their way at times to tear you down or say things that feel bad or show in actions they just aren't committed to you or don't respect you.
I am "the tasty mako that will be great mesquite grilled in lemon sauce" - NOT THEM. Being lonely SUCKS but being with someone I feel bad around or doesn't honor me in actions, is waaay worse.
- I will not go out with a man who doesn't commit to his promises.
- I will not date a man who isnt sure he wants to date me.
- I will not date a man who tries to have sex with me.
- I will not date a man who drinks or does drugs or is addicted to anything to an extent that makes me uncomfortable.
- I will not date a man who's afraid to talk about our future together.
- I will not spend my precious time on a man who has already rejected me.
- I will not date a man who is married or in a relationship with someone else.
- I will not be with a man who is not clearly IN ACTIONS consistently, a good, kind, and loving person.
- I will not date a man who does not respect me when I ask them not to touch me at all.
- I will not date a man who lies to me or has lied to me.
- I will not date a man who seems to want to spend ALL their time with me or doesn't respect my personal time.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Pity Party Tonight at my house!
So tonight I am holding my pity party. Tonight I will cry my eyes out about the death of the man I so loved for the last time. This is the time I am giving myself for the last day of crying over someone who IS NOT crying over me.
What brought this on is Tia and I were shopping for her picnic date tonight with Eric. I thought of Chris and I roaming through Ralphs in preparation for our own little dates. Remembering him. Loving him. Hurts. I had to give my phone to Tia 3 times.
Then I realized that I do have great memories about Chris and I, but they are remembered each along eventually with a fucked up time to go with it more often than not. Like the another time at Ralphs when all I wanted to do was shop with him, HIS way, and be held by him and caress him all night and sex him up. Instead he was pissed that he didn't get high, didn't get to go home first and walk his dog treated me like crap, and we yelled and screamed at one another and I went home and we even didn't talk!
I know now "he just wasn't that into me". He didn't want to marry me, he broke up with me also, and he isn't pouring over ways to get me back, or be romantic or change during the time he is away from me, he is just.. going on with his life. Further proof that I should not be thinking about him or worrying about what, where, or who he is doing, anymore.
He has his things back, he has given me my "donations" for back treatment and now I have $500 to get treated with. I'm sure in his mind its "over and out" and he is scot free of me, his guilt, and really deep down, glad we are over. I know I was not a perfect angel in the relationship.
I think after the 60 days both of us will be relieved and moving on at full speed with none of our past "buttons" to hurl us back. Him faster than me probably because he was always horny and always wanting to be fucking someone else.
What "I love you" really means:
What "I miss you" means:
Reminders of when he is "just not that into you" - Hes just not that into you if:
Nuff said, son. Cry on S... then tomorrow..dream on. Dream until your dreams come true.
What brought this on is Tia and I were shopping for her picnic date tonight with Eric. I thought of Chris and I roaming through Ralphs in preparation for our own little dates. Remembering him. Loving him. Hurts. I had to give my phone to Tia 3 times.
Then I realized that I do have great memories about Chris and I, but they are remembered each along eventually with a fucked up time to go with it more often than not. Like the another time at Ralphs when all I wanted to do was shop with him, HIS way, and be held by him and caress him all night and sex him up. Instead he was pissed that he didn't get high, didn't get to go home first and walk his dog treated me like crap, and we yelled and screamed at one another and I went home and we even didn't talk!
I know now "he just wasn't that into me". He didn't want to marry me, he broke up with me also, and he isn't pouring over ways to get me back, or be romantic or change during the time he is away from me, he is just.. going on with his life. Further proof that I should not be thinking about him or worrying about what, where, or who he is doing, anymore.
He has his things back, he has given me my "donations" for back treatment and now I have $500 to get treated with. I'm sure in his mind its "over and out" and he is scot free of me, his guilt, and really deep down, glad we are over. I know I was not a perfect angel in the relationship.
I think after the 60 days both of us will be relieved and moving on at full speed with none of our past "buttons" to hurl us back. Him faster than me probably because he was always horny and always wanting to be fucking someone else.
What "I love you" really means:
- I am not that into you.
- I don't respect you or our relationship.
- I don't want to be in a relationship with you.
- I am not going to marry you.
- I will be open to using you sexually, but that is all I can commit to.
What "I miss you" means:
- I am missing you because every day, I am choosing to be WITHOUT you.
- I am sniffing for something better and when I don't find it, I may get lonely and come back to you. But it will still be "over" and I will still not be into you.
Reminders of when he is "just not that into you" - Hes just not that into you if:
- He's not asking you out
- He's not calling you (or returning calls when he says he will)
- He's not dating you
- He's not having or wanting to have sex with you
- He's having sex with someone else
- He's only wants to see you when he is drunk or high (or is on any mind altering drug- it means he likes you better when you are not at your full levels and he is "numbed")
- He's doesn't want to marry you
- He's breaking up with you (he took a good look at the beauty that is you and all your possibility and all your potential and said, "No thanks, I do not want your company anymore")
- He's disappeared on you
- He's already married or insane variations on this unavailability
- He's a Selfish Jerk, a Abusive Bully or a Really Big Freak
Nuff said, son. Cry on S... then tomorrow..dream on. Dream until your dreams come true.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
My Dangerous Men
MY DANGEROUS MEN
1-13- Dad
15-20-Barry Kaufman/Herm Peubla
---A RAPIST
21-22-Fathey Abdullah/Carlos Polanco
---A RAPIST
22-26-Anthony Guzman
26-29-Shahn Andersen
29-30-Bastion Garcia
30-31-Chad Reyes/ Johnny Cervini/Yotam Ginzberg
31-32-Gordon Gee Nelson/Brandon Nelson
32-33-Chris
http://www.howtospotadangerousman.com/I have never been alone or out of a relationship. This is the first time in my entire life I will be alone. Unfortunately for me, most men I have been with were some kind of combination or another.
Categories of Dangerous Men
The Emotional Predator
Has a sixth sense of how women operate. They know how to play to her woundedness. They can sense when you have been dumped, hurt, are lonely, or sexually needy. They are chameleons and can be whatever you need them to be. They are very in-tune with body language, eye lingo, and verbal jargon and pick up hints to your life and conform their lives to what you want in the moment.
The Permanent Clinger
Is a needy and victim-based man. They will give a woman a lot of attention in return for all of their needs to be met. They are jealous of other people in your life and turn the tables to ask you to give up your life and make them your only life. They convince you that they have been wounded and you can “heal them with your love” if you will only focus on them. They may threaten to be eternally wounded if you don’t do as they ask or uses guilt to try to keep you in a relationship you no longer want to be.
The Hidden Life
Men who have undisclosed women, same-sex partners, children, lives, jobs, life-threatening addictions, criminality, and other histories not revealed and purposefully hidden from you.
The Violent
The relationship starts out as very attentive and giving but then Mr. Hyde appears—blaming, shaming, harming, throwing, hitting, or “anything goes” when they decide they are in control.
The Mentally Ill
He normally looks good on the outside but after a while of dating it becomes obvious that “something is amiss.” Most people don’t have enough training to know “exactly what is wrong.” Depending on the diagnosis, they can often convince you to stay and “love them into wellness.” Some hold emotional hostages by revealing that “everyone” leaves them or threatens self-harm.
The Addicted
Many people who are dating an addicted man do not know this upfront or they mistake addictions for a “fun loving guy” that seems to just want to “party.” Addictions can include sex, pornography, drugs, alcohol, thrill-seeking behaviors, gambling, food, or relationships.
The Parental Seeker
He seeks a parent and not a partner. He needs you so much but he also needs you to run his life for him. He has a difficult time doing adult things like working, chores, decision making, being consistent, paying his bills. He may give out the attention to you but he will function very little in the real world.
The Emotionally Unavailable
These are men who are married, separated, engaged, dating someone else or just broke up from another relationship before working through it. He usually presents as “currently unhappy” or “not quite out” of a relationship but is willing to have you on the side. He could also be preoccupied with his life, career, job, education or hobbies to the exclusion of ever having true interest in a long-term relationship.
Content - he says
I am glad he is soo content after hurting me the way he has. Further proof I do not need that narcissistic creep in my life.
Last night I was afraid of stalking or the possibility that someone was going to try to hurt me. I spent the entire day concerned of this. Watching those videos of hi tech surveillance did NOT help. So this morning I woke up and said to myself, I am not going to stop living my life in fear of someone killing me. I am not going to think this way and I basically prayed to God and gave it over to him.
I am still alive and Chris (apparently not thinking of me at all, thank god he too is as selfish as Brandon) is not stalking me. His emailing has ceased since yesterday and there are still no calls since 4/1/08. :) Back to the 60 days focus.
Back to my healing. This incident was a lesson in exactly why I should not ever go back to that terrible relationship. It does not FEEL good. Love should feel good. Love should be safe and honest. I have much work to do on myself and my past.
Today I am thankful for:
Last night I was afraid of stalking or the possibility that someone was going to try to hurt me. I spent the entire day concerned of this. Watching those videos of hi tech surveillance did NOT help. So this morning I woke up and said to myself, I am not going to stop living my life in fear of someone killing me. I am not going to think this way and I basically prayed to God and gave it over to him.
I am still alive and Chris (apparently not thinking of me at all, thank god he too is as selfish as Brandon) is not stalking me. His emailing has ceased since yesterday and there are still no calls since 4/1/08. :) Back to the 60 days focus.
Back to my healing. This incident was a lesson in exactly why I should not ever go back to that terrible relationship. It does not FEEL good. Love should feel good. Love should be safe and honest. I have much work to do on myself and my past.
Today I am thankful for:
- God's protection and love
- taking care of myself
- Karin
- Sandra/Tia - my neighbors
- Medical care
- the IRS giving me something back however small
- being able to pay this months rent
- finding out I don't "need" the car
- being able to walk
- having food to eat
- learning about boundaries
- trying not to make previous mistakes
- a place to lay my head
- my family
- my friends
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