Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Thoughts and Feelings (aka Talk Therapy)
Um ok.. so this is going to be stream of consciousness thoughts and streaming words to get out my feelings and hopefully blunt some of the bad thoughts that could affect me in the future. Chris is on my mind. Our past, our mistakes and he shouldn't be right? He shouldnt be because we are over. And I need to work hard to put him behind me. i feel lonely, sad, discouraged and attacked. HE went on a date last night right? i feel abandonded. maybe he got some word back from his little ads online and finally took a plunge to the Kings game. Kings 4 Sharks 0 Sharks suck anyway. I dont know how they even got to play the Kings, Anyway, I watched president bush speaking about his past and his administration with his supreme sense of misguided confidence and I was sickened mostly. Then ashton kutcher in butterfly effect, wow dude, that was so powerful i think that is my fave movie he has done. Chris is not worth me thinking about now that we are broken up. i feel empowered and understood. he is moving on and i am moving on, hell i want to move on! i already did and then went back, how the hell did that happen anywho? was it my desperation? i dont even want to b with him. i made the decision the night he wouldn't talk to me so now its just getting over our memories and our past together, and staying strong with the NO contact and NO friendship. we can never be friends. if i am pregnant we can still not have contact and he will have to go to court and all that nonsense because he is difficult and possessive like that. its all good! i feel abused, guilttripped, lied to, humiliated. i am praying and a bunch of people are praying i am not, and hopefully i wont be. last p was the 26th of dec.! i dreamt last night that he was a dad and i felt i didn't want to let him be around the kid but i allowed it anyway because even tho he is a drug addict he is still capable of spending short periods of time sober and after all would be the father. who will help me move in 2 weeks? i am scared and frustrated. the guys from church i guess. beast says its ROUGH over thereon the east coast. i feel lucky. i am gonna have to pay so much money to get my stuff out of here..and to where? i dont even know. ugh. i feel lost and afraid. i have to let the lord lead me to the next step, i have no footing of my own at this point. i do not know what i want, where or how. i have a 2nd job interview tomorrow i feel nervous, scared, and pissed off that the salaries i am being offered are far below what i think i am worth and yet out of desperation i am accepting these shit salaries. its in culver city, will i be moving back there? is that gods will? i also have another interview in compton, and one in south central area. what the hell keeps taking me there? why? is it my fate from God to live in the ghetto? couldnt i do that in NY? lol. oh boy i cant do much here at home without a car. i feel inferior and powerless. somehow i have to fax this time sheet from the santa monica airfield on friday to the agency, but i dont have a fax or a means to get to one. gah. i will just be thankful right? i am still alive, i still have my legs, and tho i have body pains and may die alone, at least i did the best i could here while i was here. i mean truly..i did. i have no money for medical care for the lump in my breast, or the cysts in my ovaries or the back pain and now neck pain.. ah Paul. can i learn lessons from you in your joyousness being single and a eunuch and in countless trials?i miss my family. i miss my youth. i miss having a close relationship. i am better off without the one i had tho and even better without the one previous to that one. hopefully next time i will have the capacity to choose better and really know what i need and what i want and not settle for less. i feel capable and happy and stronger. time to change the songs on my profile. time to look for more apts without a car this week. time to pray once more today to please not be pregnant. i cannot use my phone anymore this week, i have run out of minutes! texts only. i am apprehensive nad anticipating my next steps and what i will do. its usually the not knowing feeling that kills me. why is the police bell ringing? look at my cards! aww this is a reminder of how special i am when i should forget.. and sometimes i do forget. having people around who put me down doesn't help me remember. i need to be around uplifting people, people who care and respect me and others. people who love me. kick the others to the curb..i need to return my math book to borders yikes its already the 13th.. only 4 more days with this book, i better go do some of this math.. i am ok now on most fractions and have learned alot more than i knew before, yay! i am going to stop this stream of consciousness writing for now and jsut click post.. please do not expect this to make sense to you if you dont understand this thinking. this is from the brain with no filter. thoughts as they come, feelings as they are felt, etc.. later gators skaters and whats up with my skateboard, i havent ridden in a bit, i need to get on that.. what a feeling that was.. ah.. i need to clean my room and do my wash, messy messy! i have to send roommate letters to the new people... oh man my fingers are hurting..print out for Jan Feb even tho there is no plan in place, god will make it so.. he has saved me before and he will come through again.. i just need to wait.. well i am gonna do math go, go now! dont wait.. its too important. i want to get better at it. i want to love it. math is my friend. math can be happy times too. i will shower in a bit and then follow up with friends via text. what is up for studio tonight? i have to finish that new song.. its so nice..
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Airplanes, connections and missed connections
Argh! The bills are piling in strong. Getting close to January 30th - time to move but where?! I can do this alone. I just have to trust in God and that there will be provisions.
I have decided no matter how desperate I get I am worth being loved and appreciated and no matter how badly I need a car, or money or whatever, I deserve for someone to treat me well and kindly all the time, not just when they want something. I deserve to be around adults and people emotionally capable of being honest with themselves and me.
Whoa I have a bit to say on this.. more on this after my massage and seeing another apt!
Ok so yeah... doing my best to forgive and forget and act with kindness. I want to write some things I am grateful for but today is not the day. Instead, I want to pray and ask those who know me to ask for prayer (whether you believe in God or not!) to God that I am not impregnated and have to pay for my stupid sex mistake with that guy for the rest of my life. I would hate to have a child grow up not ever knowing their father, but it would be the best way. Either way, I am going to pray every day til next month, that I am not pregnant by that guy and ask for forgiveness in being impulsive and foolish and taken in once more by words, of lies...
Please pray for me, whether or not you know me, whether or not you believe in God. Please pray.
In other news, I did a stint at a flying school. Wow, I think when I can I am going to try to get a pilot license. I saw someone with glasses and they were getting their commercial license. It was very cool watching and meeting the other pilots. It was not very cool doing the actual job. But I bit the bullet, decided I would make the best of it, and I did!
I have decided no matter how desperate I get I am worth being loved and appreciated and no matter how badly I need a car, or money or whatever, I deserve for someone to treat me well and kindly all the time, not just when they want something. I deserve to be around adults and people emotionally capable of being honest with themselves and me.
Whoa I have a bit to say on this.. more on this after my massage and seeing another apt!
Ok so yeah... doing my best to forgive and forget and act with kindness. I want to write some things I am grateful for but today is not the day. Instead, I want to pray and ask those who know me to ask for prayer (whether you believe in God or not!) to God that I am not impregnated and have to pay for my stupid sex mistake with that guy for the rest of my life. I would hate to have a child grow up not ever knowing their father, but it would be the best way. Either way, I am going to pray every day til next month, that I am not pregnant by that guy and ask for forgiveness in being impulsive and foolish and taken in once more by words, of lies...
Please pray for me, whether or not you know me, whether or not you believe in God. Please pray.
In other news, I did a stint at a flying school. Wow, I think when I can I am going to try to get a pilot license. I saw someone with glasses and they were getting their commercial license. It was very cool watching and meeting the other pilots. It was not very cool doing the actual job. But I bit the bullet, decided I would make the best of it, and I did!
Friday, January 9, 2009
I'm not having any of your cake
In every case I've ever seen/experienced, "Give me space" means "I'd rather not see you any more". I've used the phrase and had it used on me. I've seen my friends use it and have seen it used on them. It's the end of a relationship, not a relationship-building exercise. The way people make sure they are with the "one" isn't done by sleeping around- it's done by getting to know them.
http://ask.metafilter.com/100581/WTF-does-Space-Mean
A couple days ago I had gotten upset and hurt and wrote some stuff down about my dynamic with a certain someone from long ago and reasons to remain loyal and friendly pros and cons if you will. Tonight after having once more been shafted by this particular "friend" I revisited this and here is what I came to see.
The reasons for my love of this particular friend were:
feeling close to them
they were helping me with car/food/money
they are a "good friend"
i have fun with them many times and laugh
i relate to them
my nonlove of this particular friend were:
they have addict issues with drugs, porn, thrills, & food binging
they are not a gift giver
they sometimes lie to me
they are a click away from cheat
they are incredibly impulsive
now.. here is what I did I went back and looked at the good, what am I missing by not having this person in my life right?
lets start with the first
i feel close to them - well i could feasibly feel close to many people for diff reasons.. and this is not the only friend i have
they were helping me with money/car etc.. well lets look at this, help - help means to give without receiving, this person knows me and knows I cannot accept help without giving back, so technically they do expect something back and got something out of it
they are a good friend.. this was the ticker! I decided to reevaluate what makes someone a good friend.. and this is what I found..
1) ACCEPTANCE
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." (Walter Winchell)
Thinking back to last night, does this person really accept me? No, they dont.
2) AUTHENTICITY
Hmm, this is easy. can a person on drugs appreciate or even understand authenticity? No. Are you the same person at home, at school, at work, and everywhere else? Do you keep personal secrets or hidden habits from your friends?
"The best mirror is an old friend." (George Herbert)
3) AVAILABILITY
This was definitely another No.This person is only available when its something THEY WANT from me.
True friendships take time. Are you willing to make the effort to spend time with your friends? Are you available when they need you? If a friend calls you in the middle of the night, will you answer your phone?
"Friends show their love in times of trouble..." (Euripedes)
4) COMPASSION
This friend in this category is a DEFINITE resounding NO. Countless times this friend has not only seen me crying and treated me coldly but also when I told them they were hurting me, they blamed it on me instead of being understanding and acting kind! Not only is this person cruel and sadistic when I am hurt by them but they are so cold they actually don't want anything to do with me when I am truly sad and in my worst moments. THAT DOES NOT A GOOD FRIEND MAKE.
Do you feel sad when your friend is hurting? Can you count your friend's needs before your own at times? Are you willing to do whatever you can to help your friend when he or she needs it?
5) ENCOURAGEMENT
This friend is capable of this. This was a yes. Capable doesnt mean this is a quality. This person does sometimes listen to me however RARELY (not never) tries to understand how I feel about any situation.
Are you a good listener? Someone has said, "Everyone HEARS what you say, but a real friend actually LISTENS to you." While a friend is speaking, do you rehearse your response in your mind, or do you quietly absorb what he or she is saying? If your friend shares a concern or problem, do you quickly offer advice, or do you express understanding of how he or she must feel about the situation?
6) FORGIVENESS
This is one I too must work on. However we are looking at the particular friend I am now considering letting go of forever.. on this category, this friend is also a NO. This friend is constantly on guard for me mistrusting them, even when I am not.
If your friend does something that hurts you, are you willing to accept an apology? Do you continue to rehash what happened afterwards, or are you eager to reunite with your friend and move on? Can you let the past be the past?
7) FUN
This friend can be, but really when it comes to shared hobbies, NO. Though, life does for me seem lighter when we are together, apparently that sentiment isn't shared by them. What does this friend find "fun"? Death-defying stunts, snowboarding, skating, eating, getting high, having sex with strangers, being involved in orgies and sleeping or masturbating and doing absolutely nothing else all day. Does that sound at all like me? Does this friend do what I like to do, with me? RARELY. Yeah, exactly.
What do you and your friends do, when you get together? Do you share hobbies or interests with your friends? What makes you laugh, when you are together? Do you and your friends have private jokes or funny shared memories? Does life seem somehow lighter when you are together?
"There can be no Friendship where there is no Freedom." (William Penn)
9) HONESTY
This is a resounding drum screaming distortion guitar laced NO. This person has lied to me many many times.
Do you tell the truth? Can you see through the phony baloney, if others try to con you? Telling the truth is one way of demonstrating your respect for a friend. Are you willing to find positive ways to tell your friend the facts, even if the facts are negative or hurtful? If you really love your friend, you will look for gentle means of helping him or her improve and grow.
"An honest answer is the sign of true friendship." (Proverbs 24:26)
10) LOYALTY
This is a NO for this person also. I cannot depend on this friend emotionally and consistently AT ALL.
Can your friends rely on you to support them, even when you are angry with them? If you hear people bad-mouthing your friend, will you join the backbiting, or stick up for your pal? True friends are loyal and dependable. Can your friends depend on you?
11) PERSONALITY
This friend will always be interesting to me, but so will Louis Comfort and Mahatma Ghandi he they are dead too.
What are you passionate about? What gets you excited? When you are in a group, do you speak up about interesting topics?
12) TRUSTWORTHINESS
Friend pass/fail on this one? Fail. Friend is too inconsistent to be trustworthy in anything but very temporary requests and that is only IF THEY MATCH THEIR need at the time or involves some sexual act of some sort.
Can you keep a secret? If a friend tells you something personal, can you be trusted with that information?
"A friend loves at all times." (Proverbs 17:17)
"When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends." (Old Japanese proverb)
Even 10 year olds are capable of telling it like it is about friendship! If they know, then this person knows, and they just aren't my real friend. I mean after evaluating my "friendship" with that person, and seeing what I really already knew, its staggering to me that I allowed myself to think this person made a good friend or ever even possibly more!
I really needed to see that to actually evaluate and reevaluate what "a good friend" is, and that person is NOT a good friend. In order to have good friends, one must also be one. I have NO reason to remain loyal and to do so is foolishness. Some how to be a friend advice from children... !
"I think a good friend is somebody who you can trust and tell secrets to, and never lies to you."
Toni, 10, Manchester
"A friend should be there for you all the time when they can, not just when they want to be. They should also except who you are and not try to change you."
Abe, 14, Norfolk
"To me a good friend is someone you can share your beliefs and passions with"
Matte, 14, Stoke
"A good friend is someone who listens to you without complaining or is about blaming you, keeps in contact even though you may be far apart and has things in common with you! A good friend will always try to be there for you no matter what."
Jimmie, 12, Cheltenham
"I think a real friend is caring, understanding, kind and considerate to you!"
Kelly, 10, Basildon
There are so many ways to tell if someone's a good friend, it's really up to you what you consider it to be. But "being there for you" means they're always there to help you, care for you, laugh and cry with you, and doing things that show they want to be a big part of your life. This applies even if they're not really there. I have a best friend of 10 years, but she lives hours away. Neither of us feel that our friendship has suffered though, because I know that I can count on her for absolutely anything because she will "always be there for me."
Joe, 26
So.. there it is. Seems I forgot what makes a good friend for a bit there and got lured in once more by a snake.. this snake has been out to get me for some time.. and keeps winning me back with words.. but lots of people can say words, its TIME that backs them up and once again this person OVER TIME has shown they are not a good friend and not worthy of my loyalty that I keep showing them. Ah co-dependence.. will I never get rid of you? Certainly not if I stay in THAT friendship...abuse doesn't get better over time, it generally only gets worse.
http://ask.metafilter.com/100581/WTF-does-Space-Mean
A couple days ago I had gotten upset and hurt and wrote some stuff down about my dynamic with a certain someone from long ago and reasons to remain loyal and friendly pros and cons if you will. Tonight after having once more been shafted by this particular "friend" I revisited this and here is what I came to see.
The reasons for my love of this particular friend were:
feeling close to them
they were helping me with car/food/money
they are a "good friend"
i have fun with them many times and laugh
i relate to them
my nonlove of this particular friend were:
they have addict issues with drugs, porn, thrills, & food binging
they are not a gift giver
they sometimes lie to me
they are a click away from cheat
they are incredibly impulsive
now.. here is what I did I went back and looked at the good, what am I missing by not having this person in my life right?
lets start with the first
i feel close to them - well i could feasibly feel close to many people for diff reasons.. and this is not the only friend i have
they were helping me with money/car etc.. well lets look at this, help - help means to give without receiving, this person knows me and knows I cannot accept help without giving back, so technically they do expect something back and got something out of it
they are a good friend.. this was the ticker! I decided to reevaluate what makes someone a good friend.. and this is what I found..
1) ACCEPTANCE
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." (Walter Winchell)
Thinking back to last night, does this person really accept me? No, they dont.
2) AUTHENTICITY
Hmm, this is easy. can a person on drugs appreciate or even understand authenticity? No. Are you the same person at home, at school, at work, and everywhere else? Do you keep personal secrets or hidden habits from your friends?
"The best mirror is an old friend." (George Herbert)
3) AVAILABILITY
This was definitely another No.This person is only available when its something THEY WANT from me.
True friendships take time. Are you willing to make the effort to spend time with your friends? Are you available when they need you? If a friend calls you in the middle of the night, will you answer your phone?
"Friends show their love in times of trouble..." (Euripedes)
4) COMPASSION
This friend in this category is a DEFINITE resounding NO. Countless times this friend has not only seen me crying and treated me coldly but also when I told them they were hurting me, they blamed it on me instead of being understanding and acting kind! Not only is this person cruel and sadistic when I am hurt by them but they are so cold they actually don't want anything to do with me when I am truly sad and in my worst moments. THAT DOES NOT A GOOD FRIEND MAKE.
Do you feel sad when your friend is hurting? Can you count your friend's needs before your own at times? Are you willing to do whatever you can to help your friend when he or she needs it?
5) ENCOURAGEMENT
This friend is capable of this. This was a yes. Capable doesnt mean this is a quality. This person does sometimes listen to me however RARELY (not never) tries to understand how I feel about any situation.
Are you a good listener? Someone has said, "Everyone HEARS what you say, but a real friend actually LISTENS to you." While a friend is speaking, do you rehearse your response in your mind, or do you quietly absorb what he or she is saying? If your friend shares a concern or problem, do you quickly offer advice, or do you express understanding of how he or she must feel about the situation?
6) FORGIVENESS
This is one I too must work on. However we are looking at the particular friend I am now considering letting go of forever.. on this category, this friend is also a NO. This friend is constantly on guard for me mistrusting them, even when I am not.
If your friend does something that hurts you, are you willing to accept an apology? Do you continue to rehash what happened afterwards, or are you eager to reunite with your friend and move on? Can you let the past be the past?
7) FUN
This friend can be, but really when it comes to shared hobbies, NO. Though, life does for me seem lighter when we are together, apparently that sentiment isn't shared by them. What does this friend find "fun"? Death-defying stunts, snowboarding, skating, eating, getting high, having sex with strangers, being involved in orgies and sleeping or masturbating and doing absolutely nothing else all day. Does that sound at all like me? Does this friend do what I like to do, with me? RARELY. Yeah, exactly.
What do you and your friends do, when you get together? Do you share hobbies or interests with your friends? What makes you laugh, when you are together? Do you and your friends have private jokes or funny shared memories? Does life seem somehow lighter when you are together?
"There can be no Friendship where there is no Freedom." (William Penn)
9) HONESTY
This is a resounding drum screaming distortion guitar laced NO. This person has lied to me many many times.
Do you tell the truth? Can you see through the phony baloney, if others try to con you? Telling the truth is one way of demonstrating your respect for a friend. Are you willing to find positive ways to tell your friend the facts, even if the facts are negative or hurtful? If you really love your friend, you will look for gentle means of helping him or her improve and grow.
"An honest answer is the sign of true friendship." (Proverbs 24:26)
10) LOYALTY
This is a NO for this person also. I cannot depend on this friend emotionally and consistently AT ALL.
Can your friends rely on you to support them, even when you are angry with them? If you hear people bad-mouthing your friend, will you join the backbiting, or stick up for your pal? True friends are loyal and dependable. Can your friends depend on you?
11) PERSONALITY
This friend will always be interesting to me, but so will Louis Comfort and Mahatma Ghandi he they are dead too.
What are you passionate about? What gets you excited? When you are in a group, do you speak up about interesting topics?
12) TRUSTWORTHINESS
Friend pass/fail on this one? Fail. Friend is too inconsistent to be trustworthy in anything but very temporary requests and that is only IF THEY MATCH THEIR need at the time or involves some sexual act of some sort.
Can you keep a secret? If a friend tells you something personal, can you be trusted with that information?
"A friend loves at all times." (Proverbs 17:17)
"When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends." (Old Japanese proverb)
Even 10 year olds are capable of telling it like it is about friendship! If they know, then this person knows, and they just aren't my real friend. I mean after evaluating my "friendship" with that person, and seeing what I really already knew, its staggering to me that I allowed myself to think this person made a good friend or ever even possibly more!
I really needed to see that to actually evaluate and reevaluate what "a good friend" is, and that person is NOT a good friend. In order to have good friends, one must also be one. I have NO reason to remain loyal and to do so is foolishness. Some how to be a friend advice from children... !
"I think a good friend is somebody who you can trust and tell secrets to, and never lies to you."
Toni, 10, Manchester
"A friend should be there for you all the time when they can, not just when they want to be. They should also except who you are and not try to change you."
Abe, 14, Norfolk
"To me a good friend is someone you can share your beliefs and passions with"
Matte, 14, Stoke
"A good friend is someone who listens to you without complaining or is about blaming you, keeps in contact even though you may be far apart and has things in common with you! A good friend will always try to be there for you no matter what."
Jimmie, 12, Cheltenham
"I think a real friend is caring, understanding, kind and considerate to you!"
Kelly, 10, Basildon
There are so many ways to tell if someone's a good friend, it's really up to you what you consider it to be. But "being there for you" means they're always there to help you, care for you, laugh and cry with you, and doing things that show they want to be a big part of your life. This applies even if they're not really there. I have a best friend of 10 years, but she lives hours away. Neither of us feel that our friendship has suffered though, because I know that I can count on her for absolutely anything because she will "always be there for me."
Joe, 26
So.. there it is. Seems I forgot what makes a good friend for a bit there and got lured in once more by a snake.. this snake has been out to get me for some time.. and keeps winning me back with words.. but lots of people can say words, its TIME that backs them up and once again this person OVER TIME has shown they are not a good friend and not worthy of my loyalty that I keep showing them. Ah co-dependence.. will I never get rid of you? Certainly not if I stay in THAT friendship...abuse doesn't get better over time, it generally only gets worse.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
We are "alone"
Wow. Talk about a whammy of a conversation to knock me out today on Christmas. I called my family today to wish them a Merry Christmas and no on answered. I called my grandfather as part of the course and he spoke with me for a good long time about his situation, his view of me and his feelings.
I am so hurt. I feel so absolutely terrible. I dont even want to leave my house and feel majorly depressed. When I was wondering for months back in Jan 08 if I should go back to them and just stay with them and take care of them instead of come out here and try to do something with myself and my life. The plan was I was going to give up my life for about 5 years until they passed on. I was told by family members, "no we are here, and will care for them, I spoke with my father and mother and was told, No, you have to live your own life, they will be proud of you, they would have wanted you to be happy and do what you need to do for yourself. We all want you to be happy."
I took this information as proof that I should go back to school and continue try to accomplish something here for me, for my life. I have been speaking to my grandfather on and off, trying to keep in touch, and randomly tell him of the things that have occurred in the last terrible 5 months. Talking about the issues I am facing here and how I may have to return In Feb due to the economy and not being able to find work here and not having a fucking car here and still fucking not knowing what I want to do WITH MY LIFE for a career. I told him I am a 4.0 GPA and that I passed all my classes. I told him of how much I have learned here about myself and the world and of God. I told him of my sorrows and all I get from him is yelling. Last week when I told him of losing my apt and a place to live and not having a job, he said to me "no, you shouldn't come back at all." "good luck to you, stay there, if you are having trouble, get on public assistance, the government can help you. we pay taxes for that. you will be fine."
This morning he says, and I quote the yelling, "I knew you were doing absolutely nothing with your life there", "I knew you were making a huge mistake" "when you left you did what you wanted and now look at you, you are nothing." "you always do what you want, you are selfish." "you left with nothing and you come back with nothing." "We are your family and would have been there for you and you left us here." "We are going into our 80's and we are all alone, all the time, what you should have done, what you should do is come home, learn how to do things around the house and take care of us and we will take care of you." "You wanted for nothing here. We cared for you. Instead you leave to go to that hellhole and look, you are penniless and jobless and have accomplished absolutely nothing in CA."
"Come home. We could die here and no one would care less or notice. You should come back and live here and just take care of us. Worry about us and we will worry about you. Focus on us, and we will focus on you. We need your help and you need ours because you cant do anything on your own." You have no control over your life."
So now I feel like complete shit. Have I really accomplished nothing at all here in 2 years? I mean what am I doing? What is going on with me? I mean am I truly the loser he says I am? I feel after everything I have learned about abuse, that my upbringing was abusive and going back home to living with yelling, and put downs and who think I am nothing and have nothing, would not be the healthiest for me. I also feel it is my duty to take care of them. To have no life of my own and just care for them until they pass. They need me. I miss my family and my grandparents, but emotionally its not always the healthiest of places for me to be.
I don't know. I'm fucking feeling horrible right now.
I am so hurt. I feel so absolutely terrible. I dont even want to leave my house and feel majorly depressed. When I was wondering for months back in Jan 08 if I should go back to them and just stay with them and take care of them instead of come out here and try to do something with myself and my life. The plan was I was going to give up my life for about 5 years until they passed on. I was told by family members, "no we are here, and will care for them, I spoke with my father and mother and was told, No, you have to live your own life, they will be proud of you, they would have wanted you to be happy and do what you need to do for yourself. We all want you to be happy."
I took this information as proof that I should go back to school and continue try to accomplish something here for me, for my life. I have been speaking to my grandfather on and off, trying to keep in touch, and randomly tell him of the things that have occurred in the last terrible 5 months. Talking about the issues I am facing here and how I may have to return In Feb due to the economy and not being able to find work here and not having a fucking car here and still fucking not knowing what I want to do WITH MY LIFE for a career. I told him I am a 4.0 GPA and that I passed all my classes. I told him of how much I have learned here about myself and the world and of God. I told him of my sorrows and all I get from him is yelling. Last week when I told him of losing my apt and a place to live and not having a job, he said to me "no, you shouldn't come back at all." "good luck to you, stay there, if you are having trouble, get on public assistance, the government can help you. we pay taxes for that. you will be fine."
This morning he says, and I quote the yelling, "I knew you were doing absolutely nothing with your life there", "I knew you were making a huge mistake" "when you left you did what you wanted and now look at you, you are nothing." "you always do what you want, you are selfish." "you left with nothing and you come back with nothing." "We are your family and would have been there for you and you left us here." "We are going into our 80's and we are all alone, all the time, what you should have done, what you should do is come home, learn how to do things around the house and take care of us and we will take care of you." "You wanted for nothing here. We cared for you. Instead you leave to go to that hellhole and look, you are penniless and jobless and have accomplished absolutely nothing in CA."
"Come home. We could die here and no one would care less or notice. You should come back and live here and just take care of us. Worry about us and we will worry about you. Focus on us, and we will focus on you. We need your help and you need ours because you cant do anything on your own." You have no control over your life."
So now I feel like complete shit. Have I really accomplished nothing at all here in 2 years? I mean what am I doing? What is going on with me? I mean am I truly the loser he says I am? I feel after everything I have learned about abuse, that my upbringing was abusive and going back home to living with yelling, and put downs and who think I am nothing and have nothing, would not be the healthiest for me. I also feel it is my duty to take care of them. To have no life of my own and just care for them until they pass. They need me. I miss my family and my grandparents, but emotionally its not always the healthiest of places for me to be.
I don't know. I'm fucking feeling horrible right now.
Letters to God 6
11/2/08
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for today an the opportunity to get my things done & needs taken care of. Your blessings are undeserved but completely appreciated. Please bless my friends and family and help them to come to know you. Your will be done in my life. Thank you Father – Amen.
11/10/08
Dear Lord,
Tahnk you for your blessings & lessons being poured out on me. I am confused Jehovah. Please point the way you want me to go? What do you want me to do? Leave/stay? If so, plase put things I need in my life to get there. Please bless Jane and Asha as they are in need of your blessings & comfort. Please bless Gil, Larry and Chris as well. I ask these things in the name of your Son - Amen.
11/16/08
Dear lord,
Gosh I am such a foolish girl. I offer you praise and thanks that I am still alive and I appreciate your gifts. Help me to see these blessings more Lord, never mind as I am writing this I realize them! I am so lucky to have a place to lay my head. If it is your will I have a car show me the way. I have no money to put on a car at this time. Please help me to learn Math Jehovah and I am not going to pray anymore. I will simply say THANK YOU LORD FOR EVERYTHING and your will be done. Hope fully my foolish stubborn butt will stay out of your way. I love you Lord. In Jesus name – Amen.
11/18/08
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for another day of breath! Please love me Lord! I am sorry for swearing and using your name in vain today and looking with lust. I am sorry for stealing time.
Jehovah I would like to ask that you put it on the heart of the city manager to clear me of these terrible police accusations. I would like to beg that I may stay here and get a car within the month.
I would like to give you the glory through my trials but I am having a hard time. I am sorry Lord. Please love me and help me through this. I cannot do it without you.
I would like to be more healthy and have a stable place to live and a car to drive and be happy. If this is not your will for me, I understand and please help me to open my eyes Lord to your messages. My ears to your Word and my heart and mind to understand. In Jesus’s name I pray and give thanks – Amen.
PS I would like to pray for Alicia, Asha, and Ivy and Jane. They need you Lord. Please comfort them as only you can.
11/22/08
Jehovah,
Please forgive me Lord I am running away from you. I am trying to return. I will not blame you for my misfortunes this week. It seems the Devil may be pulling me from you with lusts, anger, frustration and self doubting thoughts and more! I want to stay close to you Lord! I will try harder to return.
The city manager wants nothing to do with the truth of the case. Please put your wisdom in me. Give me discernment Jehovah. Thank you so much for a wonderful day with Karin and a chance to make music with Vekz. Please bless me Lord and help me to understand your will for me and purpose. In the name of your Son, Jesus Christ – Amen.
PS – Please save me Lord I am drowning in sorrow and sorry. Open my eyes. I am sorry for lusting and losing self control, lying, cheating and now using your name in vain earlier! I have put dancing as my idol this week. I put you first once more. Please forgive me.
11/24/08
Dear Jehovah,
Praise you above all else! You are amazing. I want to speak of you with love that others can feel. I am amazed by you Jehovah and the things you do. Your creations are amazing. I guess that would also mean me? I am not going to be down on myself today Lord. The light is needed Lord I have been in darkness. Show me the way please.
I want to stay in LA. Is that what you want? Help me to give you the glory through my songs with Vekz. Allow us to touch others with our songs Lord if that is your will and please keep me pain free and bless those in my church today who need you. In Jesus’s name I pray and give thanks – Amen.
11/28/08
Dear Lord My Jehovah God,
Its official. Without you I am nothing. I feel like I am always asking you for something. =( I leave these outcomes in your hands God. You are so great and good to me. I worship you. I love you. I offer my songs and creations to you for your will and purpose. I want to praise you and give thanks for all you have been and done in my undeserving life.
Thank you Lord , thank you Jesus! You paid a price so high for my salvation! Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for loving me and being my King. I want to see you Jesus. I want to be with you. I keep on sinning, I am so sorry Lord! I want to win against my nature. I would like to ask things, but mostly I want to give thanks for you truly are EVERYTHING. You gave everything and you will “give and take away”. Your will be done with me God. Keep me from the evil one. In Jesus holy name I pray.- Amen.
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for today an the opportunity to get my things done & needs taken care of. Your blessings are undeserved but completely appreciated. Please bless my friends and family and help them to come to know you. Your will be done in my life. Thank you Father – Amen.
11/10/08
Dear Lord,
Tahnk you for your blessings & lessons being poured out on me. I am confused Jehovah. Please point the way you want me to go? What do you want me to do? Leave/stay? If so, plase put things I need in my life to get there. Please bless Jane and Asha as they are in need of your blessings & comfort. Please bless Gil, Larry and Chris as well. I ask these things in the name of your Son - Amen.
11/16/08
Dear lord,
Gosh I am such a foolish girl. I offer you praise and thanks that I am still alive and I appreciate your gifts. Help me to see these blessings more Lord, never mind as I am writing this I realize them! I am so lucky to have a place to lay my head. If it is your will I have a car show me the way. I have no money to put on a car at this time. Please help me to learn Math Jehovah and I am not going to pray anymore. I will simply say THANK YOU LORD FOR EVERYTHING and your will be done. Hope fully my foolish stubborn butt will stay out of your way. I love you Lord. In Jesus name – Amen.
11/18/08
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for another day of breath! Please love me Lord! I am sorry for swearing and using your name in vain today and looking with lust. I am sorry for stealing time.
Jehovah I would like to ask that you put it on the heart of the city manager to clear me of these terrible police accusations. I would like to beg that I may stay here and get a car within the month.
I would like to give you the glory through my trials but I am having a hard time. I am sorry Lord. Please love me and help me through this. I cannot do it without you.
I would like to be more healthy and have a stable place to live and a car to drive and be happy. If this is not your will for me, I understand and please help me to open my eyes Lord to your messages. My ears to your Word and my heart and mind to understand. In Jesus’s name I pray and give thanks – Amen.
PS I would like to pray for Alicia, Asha, and Ivy and Jane. They need you Lord. Please comfort them as only you can.
11/22/08
Jehovah,
Please forgive me Lord I am running away from you. I am trying to return. I will not blame you for my misfortunes this week. It seems the Devil may be pulling me from you with lusts, anger, frustration and self doubting thoughts and more! I want to stay close to you Lord! I will try harder to return.
The city manager wants nothing to do with the truth of the case. Please put your wisdom in me. Give me discernment Jehovah. Thank you so much for a wonderful day with Karin and a chance to make music with Vekz. Please bless me Lord and help me to understand your will for me and purpose. In the name of your Son, Jesus Christ – Amen.
PS – Please save me Lord I am drowning in sorrow and sorry. Open my eyes. I am sorry for lusting and losing self control, lying, cheating and now using your name in vain earlier! I have put dancing as my idol this week. I put you first once more. Please forgive me.
11/24/08
Dear Jehovah,
Praise you above all else! You are amazing. I want to speak of you with love that others can feel. I am amazed by you Jehovah and the things you do. Your creations are amazing. I guess that would also mean me? I am not going to be down on myself today Lord. The light is needed Lord I have been in darkness. Show me the way please.
I want to stay in LA. Is that what you want? Help me to give you the glory through my songs with Vekz. Allow us to touch others with our songs Lord if that is your will and please keep me pain free and bless those in my church today who need you. In Jesus’s name I pray and give thanks – Amen.
11/28/08
Dear Lord My Jehovah God,
Its official. Without you I am nothing. I feel like I am always asking you for something. =( I leave these outcomes in your hands God. You are so great and good to me. I worship you. I love you. I offer my songs and creations to you for your will and purpose. I want to praise you and give thanks for all you have been and done in my undeserving life.
Thank you Lord , thank you Jesus! You paid a price so high for my salvation! Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for loving me and being my King. I want to see you Jesus. I want to be with you. I keep on sinning, I am so sorry Lord! I want to win against my nature. I would like to ask things, but mostly I want to give thanks for you truly are EVERYTHING. You gave everything and you will “give and take away”. Your will be done with me God. Keep me from the evil one. In Jesus holy name I pray.- Amen.
Letters to God 5
10/6/08
Dear Jehovah,
Praise you for allowing me to wake up today! Thank you for not giving me pain and thank you for continuing to bless me w/ a job and a bit of direction. I want your will to be done. Please give me wisdom and understanding. Please help me keep focus on you and not on others. I put the outcome in your hands. Please take this desire to contact Chris off my heart and put it in his heart to contact me and be just my friend.
Please let me be strong in temptation and the evil one. Please help C with her job situation and D to find a good job when he gets his work break from EMT. Please give B a fighting chance @ surviving her cancer treatment and V the strength to stand by her and love her through this. Please help Asha with her car situation and Rebecca & A in their trying and hard times!
After reading my prayers for the last 3 months it is pretty clear to me that you do not want Chris and I to be in contact at this time and you have locked the door on this end so I cannot go back even in weakness. Thank you Father. I have been asking for the clear message and this has been it. It isn’t your will. It isn’t going to happen. You know what I need, while Satan can only know what any human would want. Satan has brought this other Chris like guy into my sights, trickery & exploitation of my loneliness and desire. I will say NO!
I will preach to this other guy to turn him away. I will keep my eyes focused on you and your trust, love, and compassion which no other man can offer me. I am not going to contact Chris anymore today. Please help me be strong in this Jehovah. I know you are working in my life! If you want me to quit school because you have other plans for me, please let me know. Please put a reliable means of transportation in my life if that is your will or a place to stay Mon & Thurs so I may attend and not be late for work. All these things I ask and pray and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ, my savior, Amen.
10/16/08
Dear Jehovah,
It has been quite some time since I have written you in my prayer book though I have still been speaking to you everyday! Whats up? What do you prefer?
Lord thank you so much for your blessings to me. I do not know your purpose for my life and the insurance situation however I do not wan to go against you! As always I see you have my best interest in mind.
I am sorry Lord for being a food and doubting you like I do. Please forgive me for lying today Jesus I am so sorry. Please help me to witness to Gil in a calm and non-pushy way so I may let him know of your loving hand. Let me not run to deception and temptation and keep those who would harm me further, at bay. I pray for peace for my family and my friends and those who have less than me. In Jesus’s name – Amen.
10/18/08
Dear Jehovah,
Praise you Lord for a day with just a little pain. Thank you so much for the blessings and teachings you bestowing on me. I appreciate all you are doing in my life. I am going to work on getting closer to you Lord. I am going to work on getting this car situation settled also and pray that you put it in RL’s heart to be kind. Please continue to stay by my side w/ work and learning all these new things. How can I bring you glory? Thank you for all you are doing. You are the Most High in my life. I ask for your supreme blessing on my exam if that is your will. Please help me to be strong in you and show your glory in my life and witness this to others. All these things I ask and pray and give thanks in the name of your son, my savior, Amen.
Dear Jehovah,
Praise you for allowing me to wake up today! Thank you for not giving me pain and thank you for continuing to bless me w/ a job and a bit of direction. I want your will to be done. Please give me wisdom and understanding. Please help me keep focus on you and not on others. I put the outcome in your hands. Please take this desire to contact Chris off my heart and put it in his heart to contact me and be just my friend.
Please let me be strong in temptation and the evil one. Please help C with her job situation and D to find a good job when he gets his work break from EMT. Please give B a fighting chance @ surviving her cancer treatment and V the strength to stand by her and love her through this. Please help Asha with her car situation and Rebecca & A in their trying and hard times!
After reading my prayers for the last 3 months it is pretty clear to me that you do not want Chris and I to be in contact at this time and you have locked the door on this end so I cannot go back even in weakness. Thank you Father. I have been asking for the clear message and this has been it. It isn’t your will. It isn’t going to happen. You know what I need, while Satan can only know what any human would want. Satan has brought this other Chris like guy into my sights, trickery & exploitation of my loneliness and desire. I will say NO!
I will preach to this other guy to turn him away. I will keep my eyes focused on you and your trust, love, and compassion which no other man can offer me. I am not going to contact Chris anymore today. Please help me be strong in this Jehovah. I know you are working in my life! If you want me to quit school because you have other plans for me, please let me know. Please put a reliable means of transportation in my life if that is your will or a place to stay Mon & Thurs so I may attend and not be late for work. All these things I ask and pray and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ, my savior, Amen.
10/16/08
Dear Jehovah,
It has been quite some time since I have written you in my prayer book though I have still been speaking to you everyday! Whats up? What do you prefer?
Lord thank you so much for your blessings to me. I do not know your purpose for my life and the insurance situation however I do not wan to go against you! As always I see you have my best interest in mind.
I am sorry Lord for being a food and doubting you like I do. Please forgive me for lying today Jesus I am so sorry. Please help me to witness to Gil in a calm and non-pushy way so I may let him know of your loving hand. Let me not run to deception and temptation and keep those who would harm me further, at bay. I pray for peace for my family and my friends and those who have less than me. In Jesus’s name – Amen.
10/18/08
Dear Jehovah,
Praise you Lord for a day with just a little pain. Thank you so much for the blessings and teachings you bestowing on me. I appreciate all you are doing in my life. I am going to work on getting closer to you Lord. I am going to work on getting this car situation settled also and pray that you put it in RL’s heart to be kind. Please continue to stay by my side w/ work and learning all these new things. How can I bring you glory? Thank you for all you are doing. You are the Most High in my life. I ask for your supreme blessing on my exam if that is your will. Please help me to be strong in you and show your glory in my life and witness this to others. All these things I ask and pray and give thanks in the name of your son, my savior, Amen.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Bye bye CA - Hello NM and OR
Sweet. In a couple weeks I am leaving to OR and NM before I jet back to .. where to next? Larry has given me some great ideas of places to go. The economy is bad, things are breaking and shaking for many, and yet there is me, the one, the only! I am a survivor and I do what I got to do son!
Vekz, Beast and I are smoking heavily tonight at the Pharmacy for sure. Writing beats and making moves just like ol times.
So weird the way life works. Who was I before and who am I becoming? Who knows, but I really dont have time t stop and think about that now. Today I got my last check. I am going to save of course, like I do. Luckily the family bought me a external drive and a DVD writer. Least I can hold onto my shit as I move around. :)
God, you are good and great and I feel so blessed. I got 3 roommate recommeds, which is hot, and I am ready. I am letting go of everything and everyone and its good times. Well, holding on to the real ones of course.
Diahnna and Vanessa have both offered me their places to stay in Culver but I'm gonna get on out of here and turn them down because I have to go where the path leads. Take me wind, I am ready! lol... I'm off to skate..
Vekz, Beast and I are smoking heavily tonight at the Pharmacy for sure. Writing beats and making moves just like ol times.
So weird the way life works. Who was I before and who am I becoming? Who knows, but I really dont have time t stop and think about that now. Today I got my last check. I am going to save of course, like I do. Luckily the family bought me a external drive and a DVD writer. Least I can hold onto my shit as I move around. :)
God, you are good and great and I feel so blessed. I got 3 roommate recommeds, which is hot, and I am ready. I am letting go of everything and everyone and its good times. Well, holding on to the real ones of course.
Diahnna and Vanessa have both offered me their places to stay in Culver but I'm gonna get on out of here and turn them down because I have to go where the path leads. Take me wind, I am ready! lol... I'm off to skate..
Monday, November 24, 2008
My Essay Final
Why the ocean is important.
There are many reasons the ocean is important to us. It is vital to our daily life as well as our way of life. The ocean houses a complex ecosystem mixture of organisms, temperatures, densities, salinities and a widely varying, eruptive and fascinating topography world-wide. Although we use contour maps, soundings and various satellite devices to map our oceans, unfortunately, the Moon has been more explored in comparison.
We have a duty to protect and maintain the oceans and help to encourage the system in the way it functions in instead of working against it or trying to change it. We build on coasts and destroy estuaries and wetlands vital for marine life and food sources. I have learned each and every single aquatic organism has a purpose and function, even the sand on the beach! Mountain regions have eroded rock sediment most of which is made up of quartz and feldspar. This sediment travels far distances pulled along by rivers, winds and gravity; later landing on or near the coastal area. This sediment travel actions causes the sediment to become sorted and later gives distinct size and shape which can tell us of sediment origins. This becomes what is known to us as sand. At the same time, in other areas, we actually stop the sediment from traveling its natural course. Instead of appreciating this process and working with it, we work against it. We transfer sand and allow coastal and “beach” erosion of other areas due to our need for more “beachfront property”. We also build groins (aka groynes in UK) to stop the natural sand transport system.
What I have found also is that we are affecting almost every natural process of the ocean, from sand transport, river flows to air pressure and water temperature housing precious marine life. I believe the ocean in turn with its “human sickness” will one day begin heavily affecting us back. We take the ocean; water and its properties for granted and try to manipulate them. We transport our waste out into the ocean and we drill for oil in the ocean. In my opinion, we are living parasites to a system that has functioned and flowed smoothly for many years without us. The Earth’s core is made of hard irons and nickels that are heated and rotating and layer upon layer of temperature and density driven material that make up our earth. We live on the upper lithosphere portion. Below us are the asthenosphere, mesosphere, mantle area, and the inner and outer cores. There is a water level lithosphere and a land level lithosphere portion. This happened due to the Big Bang, 4.6 billion years ago. Heavy dense material sinks and light material rises. Similarly with our atmosphere, cold airs sinks and warm air rises all the way up into the troposphere.
The Moon and Sun’s gravitational pull influences our tides and our tides influence the creatures who depend on them such as grunions to lay their eggs, and also our boats and sailing capabilities. There are two bulges associated with spring and neap tides and they are the lunar and solar bulges.
We emit so much CO2 into the atmosphere and oceans that I feel they are past the breaking point and destroying and aids in changing the very atmospheric composition our Earth. Phytoplankton, zooplankton and various animals and coral reefs depend on particular conditions and water temperatures to live. Our ocean is considerably warmer in some areas that it has ever been and this spells trouble for those organisms who thrive in particular cold and warm temperature waters. Phenomenon’s once, are now becoming more common place occurrences such as red tides and drowned polar bears and hurricanes, longer lasting El Nino/La Nina type events, severe droughts and brushfires.
The Sun naturally influences many aspects of the ocean and atmosphere. We are dependent upon certain surface temperatures in the ocean to continue our way of life in comfort. Drilling and oil rigs and spills as well as a heated ocean (possibly due to global warming) are changing our earth and affecting its natural system.
When we take a look at our oceans, sun and moon it should be a shining reminder of how much life on this planet is worth (not just ours) and that we should see it as a gift to be taken care of, not used and abused like so much disposable rubbish. Our increase of hurricanes and storms should be a sign that we are messing with a delicate biological system. I did not know any of this before taking this class.
There are many reasons the ocean is important to us. It is vital to our daily life as well as our way of life. The ocean houses a complex ecosystem mixture of organisms, temperatures, densities, salinities and a widely varying, eruptive and fascinating topography world-wide. Although we use contour maps, soundings and various satellite devices to map our oceans, unfortunately, the Moon has been more explored in comparison.
We have a duty to protect and maintain the oceans and help to encourage the system in the way it functions in instead of working against it or trying to change it. We build on coasts and destroy estuaries and wetlands vital for marine life and food sources. I have learned each and every single aquatic organism has a purpose and function, even the sand on the beach! Mountain regions have eroded rock sediment most of which is made up of quartz and feldspar. This sediment travels far distances pulled along by rivers, winds and gravity; later landing on or near the coastal area. This sediment travel actions causes the sediment to become sorted and later gives distinct size and shape which can tell us of sediment origins. This becomes what is known to us as sand. At the same time, in other areas, we actually stop the sediment from traveling its natural course. Instead of appreciating this process and working with it, we work against it. We transfer sand and allow coastal and “beach” erosion of other areas due to our need for more “beachfront property”. We also build groins (aka groynes in UK) to stop the natural sand transport system.
What I have found also is that we are affecting almost every natural process of the ocean, from sand transport, river flows to air pressure and water temperature housing precious marine life. I believe the ocean in turn with its “human sickness” will one day begin heavily affecting us back. We take the ocean; water and its properties for granted and try to manipulate them. We transport our waste out into the ocean and we drill for oil in the ocean. In my opinion, we are living parasites to a system that has functioned and flowed smoothly for many years without us. The Earth’s core is made of hard irons and nickels that are heated and rotating and layer upon layer of temperature and density driven material that make up our earth. We live on the upper lithosphere portion. Below us are the asthenosphere, mesosphere, mantle area, and the inner and outer cores. There is a water level lithosphere and a land level lithosphere portion. This happened due to the Big Bang, 4.6 billion years ago. Heavy dense material sinks and light material rises. Similarly with our atmosphere, cold airs sinks and warm air rises all the way up into the troposphere.
The Moon and Sun’s gravitational pull influences our tides and our tides influence the creatures who depend on them such as grunions to lay their eggs, and also our boats and sailing capabilities. There are two bulges associated with spring and neap tides and they are the lunar and solar bulges.
We emit so much CO2 into the atmosphere and oceans that I feel they are past the breaking point and destroying and aids in changing the very atmospheric composition our Earth. Phytoplankton, zooplankton and various animals and coral reefs depend on particular conditions and water temperatures to live. Our ocean is considerably warmer in some areas that it has ever been and this spells trouble for those organisms who thrive in particular cold and warm temperature waters. Phenomenon’s once, are now becoming more common place occurrences such as red tides and drowned polar bears and hurricanes, longer lasting El Nino/La Nina type events, severe droughts and brushfires.
The Sun naturally influences many aspects of the ocean and atmosphere. We are dependent upon certain surface temperatures in the ocean to continue our way of life in comfort. Drilling and oil rigs and spills as well as a heated ocean (possibly due to global warming) are changing our earth and affecting its natural system.
When we take a look at our oceans, sun and moon it should be a shining reminder of how much life on this planet is worth (not just ours) and that we should see it as a gift to be taken care of, not used and abused like so much disposable rubbish. Our increase of hurricanes and storms should be a sign that we are messing with a delicate biological system. I did not know any of this before taking this class.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Shop it Up Sinner!
Well, when things are going bad or wrong and one is living check to check and basically has no use for morals or brain power they either splurge, save intensely or go shopping. My ex has chosen abortions and shopping. :)
I am talking about this because I went to mini-church tonight and Joey said Chris finally answered his phone and politely said "I gave up that God stuff, I am never visiting your church again, please stop calling." LOL
I have recently fixed his watch (finally right! I have been waiting to have th money to do this forever!) and I will be sending it to him with a note that says "not everything in life can be fixed, but this could" and a sincere sorry for breaking it on him. This will be Closed book. End of Story. :)Ah Fin. I will expect no response from him.
I am talking about this because I went to mini-church tonight and Joey said Chris finally answered his phone and politely said "I gave up that God stuff, I am never visiting your church again, please stop calling." LOL
I have recently fixed his watch (finally right! I have been waiting to have th money to do this forever!) and I will be sending it to him with a note that says "not everything in life can be fixed, but this could" and a sincere sorry for breaking it on him. This will be Closed book. End of Story. :)Ah Fin. I will expect no response from him.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Other people Comment on moi
comments about me from my truth box. i thought they were sweet so I am posting them.
You are kooky, crazy, and I think you may end up in jail! Just kidding. You got a lot of potential, I look forward to seeing you use it!
If you did not drink as much as you do, I would want to hug you harder! I think you are awesome and I love talking to you. I know you will make great films one day! You are also cute and kind.
I have had such a good time with you. I hope to see you again one day!
I think you are a great writer and a sweet friend. You have so much love to give to the right person.
I think you are a warm, considerate, beautiful, intelligent woman who does not know her true worth sometimes. You get hurt by men who are not worthy of you. I think you may be attracted to men who are bad. I think you have the capacity to do great things in this life and I hope only the best for you. I feel I am lucky to have you as a friend. The truth is, I really love you.
I am not going to tell you until I meet you in person. :P
You are kooky, crazy, and I think you may end up in jail! Just kidding. You got a lot of potential, I look forward to seeing you use it!
If you did not drink as much as you do, I would want to hug you harder! I think you are awesome and I love talking to you. I know you will make great films one day! You are also cute and kind.
I have had such a good time with you. I hope to see you again one day!
I think you are a great writer and a sweet friend. You have so much love to give to the right person.
I think you are a warm, considerate, beautiful, intelligent woman who does not know her true worth sometimes. You get hurt by men who are not worthy of you. I think you may be attracted to men who are bad. I think you have the capacity to do great things in this life and I hope only the best for you. I feel I am lucky to have you as a friend. The truth is, I really love you.
I am not going to tell you until I meet you in person. :P
Monday, November 10, 2008
I AM GOD’S CAKE.
11/10/08 I AM GOD’S CAKE.
Why? Sometimes we wonder, 'What did I do to deserve this?' or 'Why did God have to do this to me?' or "Why is God doing this?" Here is a wonderful explanation!
A daughter was telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away. Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, 'Absolutely Mom, I love your cake.'
'Here, have some cooking oil,' her Mother offers.
'Yuck' says her daughter.
'How about a couple raw eggs?' 'Gross, Mom!'
'Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?'
'Mom, those are all yucky and taste horrible!'
To which the mother replies: 'Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!'
God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad or difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they all make something wonderful!
God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chooses your heart.
-----------------------------------------------
So today I am working hard and really doing the best I can. I have brought my breakfast and think I will go to the sandwich shop on Sepulveda across from Dinah’s today for lunch. I will be working out tonight and studying. That is the extent of my day. In other news this weekend I really rode the skateboard hard on the Strand in Manhattan Beach on Saturday and then in Redondo Beach with some kids from the neighborhood. They taught me some things and I had A LOT of fun. I fell of course, but once I fell, I realized that all my fear of falling was replaced by a “so what? I fell. now I can try this other thing where I drag the board, run, throw it down and jump on the skateboard and ride DH” which I did and it was great!
Tomorrow I return the rental car and take the bus to work for the next… well for however long I am working here until I can afford to get a car. This weekend I took my exam for Oceanography and I think I did really well. Last night I got a little depressed. I find when I spend too much time online I see all these pictures of other people’s profiles and lives and they have many “friends” this makes me feel jealous. I do not know why. Somehow it looks like they are having more fun or have closer relationships than I do. I am beginning to think that I will never be like those people and so I should not really be comparing myself to their lives.
I felt this way looking at the entries from the people at my church and often looking at my little sisters profile page. Um, I am not in those pictures... no one leaves comments on my page etc.. so what the fuck is the point of having one, right? These are the things I am contemplating today. Also on my mind is leaving. What is going on here? I feel like God is closing all the doors here in CA, beginning with that car being taken away from me or maybe just giving me a really hard time to get through to build some kind of character trait I still do not have. I AM GOD’S CAKE.
I may be moving out of my place in January, staying in Culver City until I move back to NY, and I don’t yet have a car (not even to live in when I get kicked out) and school ends on December 6th.
What do I do in this situation? How do I stay strong? How do I get through? I am excommunicating from the team, the body of the church, and it is going somewhat unnoticed. I do not know why I just don’t trust in Him. So many times he has proven to me he has the best for me as well as with others (remember when Chris was sad about moving and look at him now, screwing his roommate! obviously he is not miserable at his new place) and I probably wont be either. It’s just the waiting, the unknown, the lack of control. That is what freaks me out I think. That is what gets me. Not knowing what the future brings.. or what is in store. This is a lesson I do need to learn and maybe that is what He is trying to show me. I need to let go. I need to really let go and give this to Him.
More on this later, me
Why? Sometimes we wonder, 'What did I do to deserve this?' or 'Why did God have to do this to me?' or "Why is God doing this?" Here is a wonderful explanation!
A daughter was telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away. Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, 'Absolutely Mom, I love your cake.'
'Here, have some cooking oil,' her Mother offers.
'Yuck' says her daughter.
'How about a couple raw eggs?' 'Gross, Mom!'
'Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?'
'Mom, those are all yucky and taste horrible!'
To which the mother replies: 'Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!'
God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad or difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they all make something wonderful!
God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chooses your heart.
-----------------------------------------------
So today I am working hard and really doing the best I can. I have brought my breakfast and think I will go to the sandwich shop on Sepulveda across from Dinah’s today for lunch. I will be working out tonight and studying. That is the extent of my day. In other news this weekend I really rode the skateboard hard on the Strand in Manhattan Beach on Saturday and then in Redondo Beach with some kids from the neighborhood. They taught me some things and I had A LOT of fun. I fell of course, but once I fell, I realized that all my fear of falling was replaced by a “so what? I fell. now I can try this other thing where I drag the board, run, throw it down and jump on the skateboard and ride DH” which I did and it was great!
Tomorrow I return the rental car and take the bus to work for the next… well for however long I am working here until I can afford to get a car. This weekend I took my exam for Oceanography and I think I did really well. Last night I got a little depressed. I find when I spend too much time online I see all these pictures of other people’s profiles and lives and they have many “friends” this makes me feel jealous. I do not know why. Somehow it looks like they are having more fun or have closer relationships than I do. I am beginning to think that I will never be like those people and so I should not really be comparing myself to their lives.
I felt this way looking at the entries from the people at my church and often looking at my little sisters profile page. Um, I am not in those pictures... no one leaves comments on my page etc.. so what the fuck is the point of having one, right? These are the things I am contemplating today. Also on my mind is leaving. What is going on here? I feel like God is closing all the doors here in CA, beginning with that car being taken away from me or maybe just giving me a really hard time to get through to build some kind of character trait I still do not have. I AM GOD’S CAKE.
I may be moving out of my place in January, staying in Culver City until I move back to NY, and I don’t yet have a car (not even to live in when I get kicked out) and school ends on December 6th.
What do I do in this situation? How do I stay strong? How do I get through? I am excommunicating from the team, the body of the church, and it is going somewhat unnoticed. I do not know why I just don’t trust in Him. So many times he has proven to me he has the best for me as well as with others (remember when Chris was sad about moving and look at him now, screwing his roommate! obviously he is not miserable at his new place) and I probably wont be either. It’s just the waiting, the unknown, the lack of control. That is what freaks me out I think. That is what gets me. Not knowing what the future brings.. or what is in store. This is a lesson I do need to learn and maybe that is what He is trying to show me. I need to let go. I need to really let go and give this to Him.
More on this later, me
Friday, November 7, 2008
Complaints and Stresses for use a place I can speak
11/7/08
Yay I can speak freely on here. My bloggeroo. I would like to say that my coworker screwed me this morning; however really I would rather say I screwed myself. He basically just didn’t pick me up today, no warning, no call, no text - - nothing letting me know that he would not be showing up to retrieve me. Finally by text I brought in the carpool issue and said “hey do you want to take back your promise to carpool?” at which he grabbed like a fat kid grabbing cake and was immediately in touch back with “yeah lets do that then”. Um, it wasn’t my idea ass.. I was giving you an out. People from CA annoy me with their less than honest fucking attitude and words. JUST SAY WHAT YOU MEAN PEOPLE! BE HONEST AND FRANK. Ugh… whatever.
Being dependent upon people for rides and taking this bus system is really getting to me. I am totally miserable. I am looking into buying or leasing a car, but at this point the numbers don’t look good. I don’t even want to drive here. This place is fucking dangerous. This accident with the truck has probably screwed my license points (there were none on it when I came here) and my insurance costs. My neck is killing me everyday and I have no medical insurance, $1000 extra $$ worth of bills from being hit and no ability to sue this person.
I honestly don’t know what the fuck I am going to do about this car issue. If I don’t have a car I DO NOT want to live here. If I am not going to continue in school or have money to keep going I DON’T WANT TO LIVE HERE. The credits Im racking up here, may not even transfer to a East Coast school! That would totally suck for me. Money wasted. I do not want to waste another dime anywhere.
Losing my phone and having it die on me was detrimental as well as now I no longer have contact with East Coast or West Coast people.
For all this shit I am going through, I can go back to NY and take the fucking bus which is 100 times more reliable, and a system I know and love. If I am gonna be not going to college I can just go back to NY where I know how to find work, how the system/politics works and be around my family at least.
It is said don’t ask why is this happening as opposed to what is the meaning of this happening. I would like to see the meaning in this God!? Right now I am just trusting and giving it up because I cannot deal anymore.
I enjoy my work and my coworkers. I think that this is a great opportunity (with the exception of those high stress weeks) and a godsend job. I am enjoying where I live but may have to move due to now knowing if the lease can be extended.
I don’t know, I just don’t know. Let’s look at the things I do have right now I guess.
• a place to lay my head and clothes and live until January
• 3 loving kind friends (Corey & the Eccles family, & my Karin)
• a community of church goers and God loving others
• a fine job with sufficient base pay, a possible career position
• new knowledge of oceanography concepts and computer music production ability with Cubase.
• a new awe and respect for God
• the knowledge that I deserve to be with a good kind man and that I am lovable, special, and wonderful and God loves me no matter what
• a computer to be connected to the world by
• glasses to see
Yay I can speak freely on here. My bloggeroo. I would like to say that my coworker screwed me this morning; however really I would rather say I screwed myself. He basically just didn’t pick me up today, no warning, no call, no text - - nothing letting me know that he would not be showing up to retrieve me. Finally by text I brought in the carpool issue and said “hey do you want to take back your promise to carpool?” at which he grabbed like a fat kid grabbing cake and was immediately in touch back with “yeah lets do that then”. Um, it wasn’t my idea ass.. I was giving you an out. People from CA annoy me with their less than honest fucking attitude and words. JUST SAY WHAT YOU MEAN PEOPLE! BE HONEST AND FRANK. Ugh… whatever.
Being dependent upon people for rides and taking this bus system is really getting to me. I am totally miserable. I am looking into buying or leasing a car, but at this point the numbers don’t look good. I don’t even want to drive here. This place is fucking dangerous. This accident with the truck has probably screwed my license points (there were none on it when I came here) and my insurance costs. My neck is killing me everyday and I have no medical insurance, $1000 extra $$ worth of bills from being hit and no ability to sue this person.
I honestly don’t know what the fuck I am going to do about this car issue. If I don’t have a car I DO NOT want to live here. If I am not going to continue in school or have money to keep going I DON’T WANT TO LIVE HERE. The credits Im racking up here, may not even transfer to a East Coast school! That would totally suck for me. Money wasted. I do not want to waste another dime anywhere.
Losing my phone and having it die on me was detrimental as well as now I no longer have contact with East Coast or West Coast people.
For all this shit I am going through, I can go back to NY and take the fucking bus which is 100 times more reliable, and a system I know and love. If I am gonna be not going to college I can just go back to NY where I know how to find work, how the system/politics works and be around my family at least.
It is said don’t ask why is this happening as opposed to what is the meaning of this happening. I would like to see the meaning in this God!? Right now I am just trusting and giving it up because I cannot deal anymore.
I enjoy my work and my coworkers. I think that this is a great opportunity (with the exception of those high stress weeks) and a godsend job. I am enjoying where I live but may have to move due to now knowing if the lease can be extended.
I don’t know, I just don’t know. Let’s look at the things I do have right now I guess.
• a place to lay my head and clothes and live until January
• 3 loving kind friends (Corey & the Eccles family, & my Karin)
• a community of church goers and God loving others
• a fine job with sufficient base pay, a possible career position
• new knowledge of oceanography concepts and computer music production ability with Cubase.
• a new awe and respect for God
• the knowledge that I deserve to be with a good kind man and that I am lovable, special, and wonderful and God loves me no matter what
• a computer to be connected to the world by
• glasses to see
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
UPDATE FROM LAST YEAR!
11/04/08
I've come so far. So last year around this time I was feeling the below. As I often like to do, I am going to compare those feelings from last year with this year and see what I have learned in this past year.
So let’s see...
# 1 was unhappy about the state of my health. Well, this still rings true unfortunately as I have again been in an accident. That writing was after an accident (where someone backed into me and hit me with their car) and 1 year later I am in a similar situation in September! Truth is from this point on in my life until I die I will prob be unhappy with my health some of the time because as I get older things change and deteriorate. I don’t need to make this my main focus and I can
do the best I can to stay in shape and active. Like now, I am skateboarding, swimming, walking, working out etc.
#2 was unhappy about Chris and 3 females.. aww how cute is all I can say. Seriously? This is/was sad. I could barely ever trust that person to be honest with himself, much less me. Being jealous of course was uncalled for, it just goes to show there was no trust in that relationship at all and therefore any issue involving other women was hard for me with him.
3# Chris cheating again possibly – Er, um, he did - and many many times. I should have never gotten back together with him after the 1st time. I should have walked away for another chick to deal. End of story. I think slowly but surely I have learned this lesson. Hopefully, I will make better choices in the future now that I have A LOT more self esteem and self love as well as less fear of committing and God in my life preparing the man for me.
#4 I was unhappy and feeling “worthless and second best”. All I can say is, Aww. Again I was in a terrible situation with someone incapable of support or emotional care. I am sure it only compounded my feelings of worthlessness and pain. I also had a lot of family issues I was dealing with and past hurts. I didn’t have God or kind friends to let me know that these fears and feelings were false and simply untrue. I am worth so much and deserve to be around people who recognize and celebrate that!
#5 I didn’t have a job or a place to live or money. I had money but it wasn’t “spending money”. Frankly I was spending way too much on a rental car and I was too dependent on someone undependable. I was comparing myself to others, and looking down and feeling down on myself. I did not have a job and did not think I would ever find one again. I also was blessed with a wonderful place to live and still live there today!
#6 I was unhappy that I made relationship mistakes. Wow, I am actually glad of this now. I made so many relationship mistakes, in retrospect a lot of it was my low self esteem, selfishness, fear of failure and commitment and using my horrible past relationships as a blue print to create future ones. I just didn’t think anyone would ever be capable of truly loving me and chose people that never could or would.
#7 Chris and the settlement money, this should have been a red flag but I was still in denial of him. I should have left him and stopped speaking to him then. I wanted so bad for him to love me and not be selfish and to be available emotionally but he never could be. He was too busy doing drugs, lying to himself, and enjoys living in denial.
#8 Unhappy that Chris wasn’t going to be my long term mate, well this one sucks but now I know that it is what it is. One cannot control another and to try is foolishness. He rarely respected me or himself, he had a lot of issues and he was dishonest and selfish much of the time. I truly am better off without that kind of mate.
9/30/07
1. I am unhappy about my state of health.
2. I am unhappy about Chris and this new 3 female roommate situation.
3. I am unhappy that Chris has cheated on me and seems primed mentally to do so again!
4. I am unhappy that I feel worthless and second best to everyone right now.
5. I don’t have a job, or a place to live or money.
6. I am unhappy that I have made mistakes in my relationships and friends.
7. I am unhappy that Chris does not want to split the settlement for his car with me that he got due to my accident.
8. I am unhappy that Chris is not going to be my long term mate.
I've come so far. So last year around this time I was feeling the below. As I often like to do, I am going to compare those feelings from last year with this year and see what I have learned in this past year.
So let’s see...
# 1 was unhappy about the state of my health. Well, this still rings true unfortunately as I have again been in an accident. That writing was after an accident (where someone backed into me and hit me with their car) and 1 year later I am in a similar situation in September! Truth is from this point on in my life until I die I will prob be unhappy with my health some of the time because as I get older things change and deteriorate. I don’t need to make this my main focus and I can
do the best I can to stay in shape and active. Like now, I am skateboarding, swimming, walking, working out etc.
#2 was unhappy about Chris and 3 females.. aww how cute is all I can say. Seriously? This is/was sad. I could barely ever trust that person to be honest with himself, much less me. Being jealous of course was uncalled for, it just goes to show there was no trust in that relationship at all and therefore any issue involving other women was hard for me with him.
3# Chris cheating again possibly – Er, um, he did - and many many times. I should have never gotten back together with him after the 1st time. I should have walked away for another chick to deal. End of story. I think slowly but surely I have learned this lesson. Hopefully, I will make better choices in the future now that I have A LOT more self esteem and self love as well as less fear of committing and God in my life preparing the man for me.
#4 I was unhappy and feeling “worthless and second best”. All I can say is, Aww. Again I was in a terrible situation with someone incapable of support or emotional care. I am sure it only compounded my feelings of worthlessness and pain. I also had a lot of family issues I was dealing with and past hurts. I didn’t have God or kind friends to let me know that these fears and feelings were false and simply untrue. I am worth so much and deserve to be around people who recognize and celebrate that!
#5 I didn’t have a job or a place to live or money. I had money but it wasn’t “spending money”. Frankly I was spending way too much on a rental car and I was too dependent on someone undependable. I was comparing myself to others, and looking down and feeling down on myself. I did not have a job and did not think I would ever find one again. I also was blessed with a wonderful place to live and still live there today!
#6 I was unhappy that I made relationship mistakes. Wow, I am actually glad of this now. I made so many relationship mistakes, in retrospect a lot of it was my low self esteem, selfishness, fear of failure and commitment and using my horrible past relationships as a blue print to create future ones. I just didn’t think anyone would ever be capable of truly loving me and chose people that never could or would.
#7 Chris and the settlement money, this should have been a red flag but I was still in denial of him. I should have left him and stopped speaking to him then. I wanted so bad for him to love me and not be selfish and to be available emotionally but he never could be. He was too busy doing drugs, lying to himself, and enjoys living in denial.
#8 Unhappy that Chris wasn’t going to be my long term mate, well this one sucks but now I know that it is what it is. One cannot control another and to try is foolishness. He rarely respected me or himself, he had a lot of issues and he was dishonest and selfish much of the time. I truly am better off without that kind of mate.
9/30/07
1. I am unhappy about my state of health.
2. I am unhappy about Chris and this new 3 female roommate situation.
3. I am unhappy that Chris has cheated on me and seems primed mentally to do so again!
4. I am unhappy that I feel worthless and second best to everyone right now.
5. I don’t have a job, or a place to live or money.
6. I am unhappy that I have made mistakes in my relationships and friends.
7. I am unhappy that Chris does not want to split the settlement for his car with me that he got due to my accident.
8. I am unhappy that Chris is not going to be my long term mate.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Weekly Update and the Busy Bee
11-03
What’s going on with me this week eh? Neck hurts and I need to get in touch with a lawyer. Well for starters, God is amazing once more. He truly waited (er, made me wait) to get me into a car until it was safe enough for me to not take one to go see Chris. Unbelievable the way He works. Larry and Jeff are both gone and out of my life and Chris from WoW is back in as well as Jesse from NY. Weird.
In other news, I got a new phone. My sweetie died on me the other day causing me to lose all my phone #s and messages and pics. I got a new phone and its nice but… I miss the old one. I am getting a car, I am still VERY busy working in Culver City for Sizz and doing well in school. I went to this cute place near Dinah’s for lunch today and decided I am going to track my little lunch outings for a bit by photo. Coming soon! I have been spending time with my new CA family, the Eccles and I think we are going camping to Yosemite for Thanksgiving.
I have no time to write anymore right now. These will be just quick recaps. More to come if I can get a chance between studying tonight and working out etc.
Love,
me
What’s going on with me this week eh? Neck hurts and I need to get in touch with a lawyer. Well for starters, God is amazing once more. He truly waited (er, made me wait) to get me into a car until it was safe enough for me to not take one to go see Chris. Unbelievable the way He works. Larry and Jeff are both gone and out of my life and Chris from WoW is back in as well as Jesse from NY. Weird.
In other news, I got a new phone. My sweetie died on me the other day causing me to lose all my phone #s and messages and pics. I got a new phone and its nice but… I miss the old one. I am getting a car, I am still VERY busy working in Culver City for Sizz and doing well in school. I went to this cute place near Dinah’s for lunch today and decided I am going to track my little lunch outings for a bit by photo. Coming soon! I have been spending time with my new CA family, the Eccles and I think we are going camping to Yosemite for Thanksgiving.
I have no time to write anymore right now. These will be just quick recaps. More to come if I can get a chance between studying tonight and working out etc.
Love,
me
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