ANGRY...

Whoa what is going on with me right now? I have to leave this guy alone and not talk to him! He is fine and happy with the way things are. He hasn't contacted me or been remotely similar to how he was. I need to let go hard. I am having trouble with that. Time to get my break up book back from Dihanna and apply that shit to this situation. Damn, on top of everthing, I am UBER pissed off.

The infatuation is fuckin gone and all I am left with all these shitty feelings and desire to reclaim what we had. GRRR I am not going to repeat this shit again. Another liar. Another drifting feelings creep. UGh... nevermind. I jsut need time, this part is going to suck,.. inevitably this part sucks dirty rotten a$$. :(

why does no contact in a breakoff always mean contact from them?

I MISS DANIEL TODAY. WHY?! I didnt even know him that well! I mean really whats there to miss? Just the habit of having had him, him calling me and just talking to him, knowing he cared. That is what i miss. I am feeling lonely. i dont really need to. I am fine, right?

I need to find someone new to obsess over. I dont know why I do that. I totally idealize someone and then they just are jerks to me and break my heart in the end. Last night I felt completely starved for attention. It/I was so sad. I mean I got on stickam and met some friends..but it was lonely. i guess i better settle into "lonely" for awhile.

Spring break in other news! I am totally psyched! No school! Every night! what do I want to do with my time eh? Who, what, where?

Yay!

So my birthday present to myself is very nice indeed. Tomorrow is my next midterm. I am trying for a A. I got a 4 point shy of an A in History and the 2nd highest grade IN THE CLASS! :) Not bad. The sacrifice was worth it, and with Daniel there, boy was it fun.

Its sad it had to end with him. =( but ce la vie. He was beginning to show signs of true too scary stuff...that I am all to familiar with and just want no part of anymore.

Ah, I feel so great right now! Well, my surrogate mom said she is proud of me and to keep going! Totally motivating me, she thinks I should try out for that extra credit in my class and go for it! She says I can do it, I can do anything, and I believe her.

I am gonna go see if I can get those movies to watch for review. Anyone want to watch boring History movies with me? Give me a shout!

/muah

Infatuation

Ah infatuation so so good yet so so so blinding. I am finally aware of myself once more and beginning to see the red flags that I probably should have taken account of in my last relationships. I cannot let this new boy distract me from what needs to be focused on. It was nice to have someone again who asks me about me, wants me, and wants to be around me much of the time, texts me and pay attention to what I say, but not one that disrespects me by raising his voice or behaves selfishly, there are no more third and fourth chances with this me. I have learned this the hard way...over many many years...the very hard..way. Ya heard, nigga?

It is time to tread lightly and not throw out the baby with the bathwater. I do not need to repeat old patterns. I can change my future NOW. I see a familiar movie playing and I can walk out of the theatre instead, ya feel me?

Mid terms are tough as nails but I am not giving up! My job is proving difficult with exceedingly more visual basic work.. by the day..

I am starting to play another MMORPG. I like it. Its beautiful and challenging. I have little to no time so its good its free. In other news, I am performing on stage for gospel choir in 7 days.. I am totally psyched and scared at the same time!

Chad and some other exes are coming to visit this summer. Chad. Hmm..more on how I once felt about Chad..here .

Car is still running like new. Surrogate family and I checked the battery today. I am loving where I live and school is...well I am going to have to work real hard to keep a 4.0 this semester, but hey, I am up to the challenge! I can do anything I put my mind to. Here I am giving D advice about her guy..

Quick thoughts

I am in school working and very busy these days so I am just gonna jot down a bunch of random things and stream of consciousness writing.

I have met someone, again. Who-da thunk? He is soo hot and sweet and cute and just says such nice things. I am in school and got my first 8 in history for the 15 point quiz GRRR that means a C right now?? I will have to work harder this semester. My surrogate family says no boyfriend right now as I need my focus on school and God. This is true, I am sure. He is also in school so he needs to focus too so he can make awesome video games apparently. :)

I look shining. I am glowing. I got that once familiar high that one gets when they are feeling totally in love and have that on drugs called Daniel and connected to the person. Dopamine, nice to have you back my friend!

See that little 17 up there? Yeah, that's in HOURS muthatrucka!

Im live all the time 24/7! well, 14/4

No really, I am LIVE. Stickam up!? :P

Ugh that guy again..

Driving past his house. Ugh thoughts, memories. Most bad some good. I know everything happens for a reason...sometimes it just takes something spectacular to realize the reasons for things.I read through a blog from back in the day that spoke of me still having a desire to get back together with Chris. It is interesting because when we broke up I held onto the idea that we would eventually get back together someday. I no longer want this. I pray for him to be happy and now I am slowly forgetting him - little by little. I've realized that I can't put myself in that kind of relationship ever again. I was incredibly unfair and horrible to myself by staying with him and more so for believing in him and getting back together with him time and again. I deserve(d) someone who has the ability to reciprocate feelings I have/had and the kind of love I showed. Dancing to "you've had your chance so say goodbye....say goodbye." I have started focusing on me and other boys again. I take the time to relax mentally and push myself hard physically. It is time for me to be the selfish one for a change. Started school, new cam, new job, new car, new music, new home life, new activities, new friends, new boyfriends, new goals every Feb baby like clockwork. What was going on last Feb hmm? and then an IM today "oh how are you?" (now that the other chick i left you for didn't actually want me.) "Been good about not contacting you" lol.. well stay that way nigga no time for the old ones who only wanted me when no one else is/was around...prayers for the last 2 months to come and in other news.. look who's rightly having a baby! Awww. More lata, I have TOO much studying to do.

love my sweetie!

Surprised but shouldnt be

I am surprised at Chris''s new insulting actions, but then again not that surprised because look at his actions previously and you can clearly see his future actions.

I am utterly and completely disgusted by him right now. I cannot believe I ever put myself in such a dire situation and allowed someone free reign to walk over me in such a callous and selfish way. This guy has done so many terrible things to me and continues to try to hurt me any small chance he has. Every time I even think of him it is a small step backward, not to mention answering his call or IM..

He has already moved on, is prob fucking someone else, in a relationship, and yet still has the nerve to even read my website or look at my name. Statute of limitations on a DV case is 3 years - I saw my papers from the courthouse from March 08 the other day..let's take a guess where his future gf will be? None of my business anymore. He may get paid well and have some stature in his business but he is still a drug using, lying, abusive person who selfishly has no sense of morality or wise judgment.

I am so angry right now, its hard to work. I'm going to take a relaxing bath tonight and light some incense and ask for a sweet massage.

Da Babies

so far..
Ocean Khaius
Christopher Lawrence
Luke Christopher
Michael Luke
Chetson John
Michelle Coral
Melody Beth
Charissa Denise
Faith Lynnmarie

I took this test but I got this result..so what now?!

You Are 4% Ready to Be a Parent

You are definitely not ready to be a parent. You don't have much support, and you don't have the emotional resources to have a kid. This doesn't mean that you would be a bad parent, it just means you have some work to do. Get your finances, health, and relationships in order. Then you'll be ready to have a kid. If you do happen to be a parent, hang in there - and try to find support where you can. Things can only get better from here.

Are You Ready to Be a Parent?

new whip

i got a whip

this whip is good for the price and really great for the timing. as you can see its good for 3

Holy Blessings Batman!

more stream of consciousness... if you dont understand well thats ok see another post below. i just have to get this all down..the smells, the feels, the ideas, the pain and happiness.. i cant believe what is happening..i signed a legal document just now.. $3000, .4 mi... 2/13/09...i am shocked at the events that are occurring in my life all at once. i almost don't know how to handle it all..first i break up with chris, i lose everything... and now i have a baby car job boyfriend and even gonna have a place to live with many helpful amenities and at a cheaper rate than i was paying before...oh before.. could i ever have imagined all these things happening... father a father how sweet and nice and loving a mother a little crazy but try her best ... friends are still here and around and the time to give back is now. im not afraid i just want to do the very best i can and be the best i can be in Gods eyes.

God has totally blessed me everyone has ups and downs, i am on the up, the time is now..

So sweet

"awww.... I wish I had been there to take you out for dinner and join you two for the movie.

I have had a crazy day but a lot got done! I hope your day was good too. I am not sure how to explain this but I miss you. : /"

Valentine's Day Hooray

I thought of something really cool! Larry and I .. but separate and mailing. You get the idea..

Anyway, here are some ideas for you singles out there.. I have waaaay too many ideas for those who are NOT single.. I am waiting for the right guy to give my all to someday..

Many ways to pass the time on VDAY - I just thought I would pass on a few favorites for those less fortunate than myself, unless of course you enjoy sitting in your bedroom weeping into a box of chocolates (probably the one you bought for an intended sweetie who has since snubbed you..)

1. Enjoy a nice day outside. The fresh air will do you good, and as you walk around you'll notice all the happy couples, and the flower carts on every corner, this will further your belief that "all the good ones are taken" and/or "I don't have a chance in hell" and it's always nice to be proven wrong. This might bring your despair level to a peak. At times you may be tempted to walk up to one of these happy couples and slap one of them silly (usually it's the one speaking "baby talk" to thier partner loud enough that it can be heard by passers-by), please feel free to do this, as it will make you feel better, as an added bonus, the endorphine/adenaline rush you get after running away at high speeds from the person you have assaulted will make you feel on top of the world! j/k

2. Go to the gym, it will be near empty as most others will be getting no work-out at all and probably speaking/doing nonsense they will never do again (if they are like my exes) once they "get to know" them. You will have free reign of the machines, and the next day you will be in so much pain that you will be spared from having see all of those people who will be there trying to work off the 6 ounces they gained from eating one too many butter-cremes.

3. Hop on the internet, log into any IRC channel you see fit (the ones with "flirt" or "love" in the names are best for the following purpose), after you have become nauseated with the flood of ASCII roses, stupid pop-ups and enough cute /action commands, type in a good twelve lines about how stupid these people are and how we should all go out and find a real person to date.

4. Buy cinnamon hearts (those little red ones that are so prevelant around this time of year), and I mean a lot of them. cinnamon hearts have a uniqe property that when they become damp they will stick to anything with a force rivaling super glue (it is rumored that cinnimon hearts were developed with the intention of creating a new surgical adhesive). Take your time in a public park covering an entire statue (bench or other such park fixture) completely in cinnamon hearts. If anyone stops you tell them it's in the name of love, and begin pelting them with the aforementiond candies. This should kill a few hours, and the resulting red-sticky residue will be around for months as rain does it's lovely work.

5. Chocolate is cheap around V-day, this is a great opportunity to test many of the scientific theories about chocolate. Buy as much as you can, and begin eating around 8 AM, don't stop till well in the afternoon. After you come down from the combination sugar/caffeine rush (or get back from the stomach pumping station at your local hospital) publish your results on the internet, claim that chocolate will never be better than sex, and complain about how you had to waste such a precious holiday to prove such a point.

6. Buy an old set of army fatigues and the semi-automatic rifle of your choice, (for extra fun, add a bayonet) and go down to a local german resturaunt. If you can, gather some friends to go with you. Perform a strategic assault on the resturaunt or any restaurant, and take the staff hostage, inform the customers that they have been freed and can go (trust me, it's german food, most will be appreciative), take the owners and staff...oh wait, this should be in the "Fun things to do on VE-Day..nvm.

Just remember the right person is out there, dont settle and you too will find them. Til then.. love yourself silly! :)

1)Pamper Yourself: make an appointment at the day spa, be indulgent, or splurge at home.

2)Celebrate with friends! For girls: plan a girl's night, or for guys: plan a guys night or fondling one another to determine whose balls are bigger. Guys are sad.

3)Be Proactive! Donate your time to a worthy cause. Just because you're not spending Valentines Day with a valentine, does not mean you can't spend it with those less fortunate than you. Many people cant even buy chocolates or gifts! lol..

4)Prioritize! Make a list of things that need to be prioritized in your life. Once you have made a list of most important things you would like to do with yourself, write out a plan to help you reach those goals. Notice - get a girl or guy isn't at the top of the list..? :P

5)Reorganize! Get ready for your new life. Make Valentines Day your new spring-cleaning day! Tackle your closet with a new plan, put all the clothes you don't wear anymore into a donation pile, and rearrange the clothes you do wear.

6)Take a short trip. Pack a bag and hit the road. Planning a short trip will take your mind off the whole Valentines Day tradition and it will be a fun getaway.

7)Think positively. Not having someone to share Valentines Day with isn't the end of the world. Just think, not having a valentine is much easier if you arent focusing on being like everyone else, and you just enjoy your own company. You are worth it!

8)Spend time with your family./good single friends Make it a night to remember by watching all classic romance movies together.

9)Get physical baby! Go for a run. Go to the gym. Play a round of golf. Go for a hike. Do something active-anything active-to keep you busy and get your endorphins pumping.

10)Be creative. Be artistic. Channel your emotions into creating a painting, a poem, or a song. When you have a Valentine next year, you can share with them your work. :)

Holy holy, holy