So yes, my previous job is gone. I had come in late the day after I spent with M. The mgmt was very hard on me since that time. I too had growing feelings of dissatisfaction. Then I had made things somewhat worse as my depression deepened into complete disgust for my job. No more smiley me, talking to everyone, helping everyone out, and they took notice, fast. They said start smiling at us again or else! I guess for better or worse, I chose else.. I am VERY, I repeat VERY, blessed to have the poppa large cushion I have created for myself and I never forget it.
The change was noticeable after I left. Apparently, anyone who has seen me since is like, "wow you seem so much happier!" LOL. My teachers are actually glad I no longer am working there as are the people I know who still work there.
This could be because my sister is coming, it could be because I want to try to get in touch with my creative side once more and possibly make more money so I don't have to work..again and pay for another 2 years of college (I can will a studio and engineer into existence pronto?!) it could be because I now have time to do what I love which is study to get to..well, I don't know where I am going, but I do want to study to get there. This relief is probably due to a # of things, I also got my gym membership, and a trainer, (so no more p90 plataeu).
I am keeping myself busy doing things I am into while lookin for a new "gig". By now I'm sure you know what they are -- God (lol, "into" God), video games, music, art, learning/seeing/trying new things, movies, computers, women's causes, traveling, fixing things, and studying. I was also really into the feeling of falling in love and meeting people, but those can wait.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
So now lets review what I WANT IN LIFE
:) In all areas of our lives we want things. It is time to focus on what I do want than what I don't. :) More on this to come.
my class A fuckup
Professor,
I am probably in need of a counselor and would have gone to see one if it did not take 2 weeks to get an appointment with one. I am incredibly depressed and I do not know what is wrong with me. After I walked out of your class last week (something i never thought I would do) I sat in my car crying for over an hour and later hyperventilating and contemplating suicide in the parking lot. Luckily S saw me and talked to me a bit before leaving me.
I am dropping my classes and possibly out of college and because I just don't know what else to do and I feel so overwhelmed with all that I have placed on my plate. Also, I don't even know that this is the plate I want to eat. I am the only one at dinner and I am tired of eating alone. Also clearly, this symptom of low self esteem has shown itself in so many areas of my life these last two years..and I just cannot deal yet, I do not know how to change it. In constantly trying to do my best, I continually do my worst and give only selfish commands ironically thinking that I am only my worst.
You have assisted me in many ways already and I want you to know this. Even just me witnessing your normal personal life and marriage has had some effect on me. Last week I even experienced a moment watching you where I myself wanted to be a Professor!
However, I have become an idiot run by my emotions and lacking self control. I am not thinking and yet I am through thinking at the same time. I have become self serving self destructive and careless. Even in trying the homework which I am supposed to hand in tomorrow, I have gotten them wrong and feel more terrible for not getting the concepts STILL! I have wanted to ask for help yet did not, and do not. I am so confused at this time even with my own actions, Professor.
I wanted to be your friend and your great student and yet I have behaved in a manner exact opposite to that..for that inconsistency I sincerely apologize. I am sorry I walked out on your class. I hope that you can some day forgive me for that.
Sincerely,
me
I am probably in need of a counselor and would have gone to see one if it did not take 2 weeks to get an appointment with one. I am incredibly depressed and I do not know what is wrong with me. After I walked out of your class last week (something i never thought I would do) I sat in my car crying for over an hour and later hyperventilating and contemplating suicide in the parking lot. Luckily S saw me and talked to me a bit before leaving me.
I am dropping my classes and possibly out of college and because I just don't know what else to do and I feel so overwhelmed with all that I have placed on my plate. Also, I don't even know that this is the plate I want to eat. I am the only one at dinner and I am tired of eating alone. Also clearly, this symptom of low self esteem has shown itself in so many areas of my life these last two years..and I just cannot deal yet, I do not know how to change it. In constantly trying to do my best, I continually do my worst and give only selfish commands ironically thinking that I am only my worst.
You have assisted me in many ways already and I want you to know this. Even just me witnessing your normal personal life and marriage has had some effect on me. Last week I even experienced a moment watching you where I myself wanted to be a Professor!
However, I have become an idiot run by my emotions and lacking self control. I am not thinking and yet I am through thinking at the same time. I have become self serving self destructive and careless. Even in trying the homework which I am supposed to hand in tomorrow, I have gotten them wrong and feel more terrible for not getting the concepts STILL! I have wanted to ask for help yet did not, and do not. I am so confused at this time even with my own actions, Professor.
I wanted to be your friend and your great student and yet I have behaved in a manner exact opposite to that..for that inconsistency I sincerely apologize. I am sorry I walked out on your class. I hope that you can some day forgive me for that.
Sincerely,
me
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Am I going to begin writing music again?
Possibly. Got Young Poisoners Handbook, Penelope, and Welcome to the Dollhouse. I am a happy bunny. Got some fresh air and tomorrow I am going to prepare for my family to come next week. I cannot wait to see my sister!! I think I will roller blade around the EDD office tomorrow and shit on everyone with my happiness being out of job.
Watched the Secret tonight with Ryan and the boys. Test tomorrow night. Then studying for Accounting to raise grade to A, before I have to drop. Four people want me to sing on their tracks..interesting turn of events from just one mind idea change the other day...
Guitar lesson begins this Sunday. Guess who is going to learn to play and sing "Give me Jesus"? :)
Watched the Secret tonight with Ryan and the boys. Test tomorrow night. Then studying for Accounting to raise grade to A, before I have to drop. Four people want me to sing on their tracks..interesting turn of events from just one mind idea change the other day...
Guitar lesson begins this Sunday. Guess who is going to learn to play and sing "Give me Jesus"? :)
A 2 and a 5
Rolled a 2 and a 5 as to what I am to do in my spare time away from people this week. I am to volunteer for the homeless and learn 2 new languages. Then a 4 and 2, as to 2 new things to try -- I am to sign up for a class to watercolor and kiss someone with no thoughts of a future with them! :o
I chose French and German to begin with. I have 3 weeks with which to do this ongoing. Rolled a 1 and emailed M and ask him to see me when the time is up. He may say no or yes, since I have let go of all that pressure stuff, I may be slightly disappointed with a no, but either way it's fine. It's nice to be at this place with him.
I chose French and German to begin with. I have 3 weeks with which to do this ongoing. Rolled a 1 and emailed M and ask him to see me when the time is up. He may say no or yes, since I have let go of all that pressure stuff, I may be slightly disappointed with a no, but either way it's fine. It's nice to be at this place with him.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
i like this song
The colored lights, they brightly shine.
Unlike your eyes avoiding mine.
The snow is folding sheet upon sheet.
Our hands not holding as we cross the street.
You have had your fill your fill of me.
You have had your fill your fill of me.
I wore the dress I thought you loved.
But my boots are filling with snow you shoved
Off of the car we climb into.
You finished first, I must catch up to you.
You have had your fill your fill of me.
You have had your fill your fill of me.
How can I catch up when I don't don't want to?
How can I catch up when I still want you?
You have had your fill your fill of me.
You have had your fill your fill of me.
December baby, you are my,
December baby, you are my,
December baby, you are my,
Oh Just Great! What is going on with me?!
How on earth can I change this horrible side of myself?!?!?!
Hi,
I have never had the experience of working with someone a student whose doubts cloud their abilities quite to the extreme that yours do.
You have been in my class for almost one and a half semesters. You continuously do excellent work in the Math Academy. However, even when the answers are discussed immediately after you turn in A work, you are sure that you did poorly.
I think that one of the reasons you do not like to do multi-step problems is because by the time you are done with the first step, you might have convinced yourself to such a high degree that you don’t know what you are doing, that you have no reason to continue since you might be convinced that it is wrong right at that step.
I do not know how to assist you. You are such a gifted student that I can see your abilities could take you as high in mathematics (or really anything) as you wanted to go, if only your belief in yourself did not stop you.
I am sorry to write this in an email because email can be so impersonal and things can easily be said in such a way as to lead to mis-interpretation. However, I fear that I might not see you again, thus, this might be the only form of communication available to me. You might want to make an appointment with a counselor. I will assist you, if possible.
T
Hi,
I have never had the experience of working with someone a student whose doubts cloud their abilities quite to the extreme that yours do.
You have been in my class for almost one and a half semesters. You continuously do excellent work in the Math Academy. However, even when the answers are discussed immediately after you turn in A work, you are sure that you did poorly.
I think that one of the reasons you do not like to do multi-step problems is because by the time you are done with the first step, you might have convinced yourself to such a high degree that you don’t know what you are doing, that you have no reason to continue since you might be convinced that it is wrong right at that step.
I do not know how to assist you. You are such a gifted student that I can see your abilities could take you as high in mathematics (or really anything) as you wanted to go, if only your belief in yourself did not stop you.
I am sorry to write this in an email because email can be so impersonal and things can easily be said in such a way as to lead to mis-interpretation. However, I fear that I might not see you again, thus, this might be the only form of communication available to me. You might want to make an appointment with a counselor. I will assist you, if possible.
T
Day Thanks
Dear Lord,
My wonderful Father God. Thank you so much for all your blessings. You are so good to me Lord! I want to give thanks for time with Karin on my birthday on Monday and seeing and hearing from my family on that day. How heartwarming. I am blessed to have them!
God please show me your direction in life for my career you want me to go in. I do not want to question your will Lord or be fearful of what your divine will is for me, like Jonah. I am impatient and you keep trying this with me. Thank you God.
Lord please comfort me in this strange loneliness I am feeling and show me the way to get even closer to you. It is as you say seek you and all else is added. I want nothing more than to have you with me always. When you are with me, truly all my foolish worldly cares melt away and disappear and all that is left is your love and will.
Please help me to forget about M in the sense that I have been thinking of him and just to truly see him for who he is and completely view it without desire toward him. Please put more men in my future life whom I can speak to about you and love you with. Thank you for my car Jehovah Jirae! Thank you for my place to live and clothing and food and sustenance... all needs met, Yahweh. I praise you and love you my Adonai! I hope I am going to emanate some of the worship that is pleasing to you in this week of my celibacy from everyone and everything.
As I get older I do not feel wiser Lord, I feel somehow more foolish. This recent experience has taught me that. I become more aware of what I still do not know than what I do know. However, I give thanks Lord that I have the self awareness I have and can learn from my mistakes. Thank you for one more day without pain God! Thank you for showing me that people I may feel close to will let me down, but that YOU never do beautiful God. Thank you for showing me I must be worry free on people and expectations of them as Jesus said -- "who by worrying adds one cubit to life?"
I would like to ask for blessings and prayer to everyone at the Bureau, my family, my friends, my professors, and most of all those in need of you right now, right here in Los Angeles who have neither I listed above. I hope to make some time this month to feed and clothe the homeless and comfort the broken and battered. Please comfort them Lord, they need you.
My wonderful Father God. Thank you so much for all your blessings. You are so good to me Lord! I want to give thanks for time with Karin on my birthday on Monday and seeing and hearing from my family on that day. How heartwarming. I am blessed to have them!
God please show me your direction in life for my career you want me to go in. I do not want to question your will Lord or be fearful of what your divine will is for me, like Jonah. I am impatient and you keep trying this with me. Thank you God.
Lord please comfort me in this strange loneliness I am feeling and show me the way to get even closer to you. It is as you say seek you and all else is added. I want nothing more than to have you with me always. When you are with me, truly all my foolish worldly cares melt away and disappear and all that is left is your love and will.
Please help me to forget about M in the sense that I have been thinking of him and just to truly see him for who he is and completely view it without desire toward him. Please put more men in my future life whom I can speak to about you and love you with. Thank you for my car Jehovah Jirae! Thank you for my place to live and clothing and food and sustenance... all needs met, Yahweh. I praise you and love you my Adonai! I hope I am going to emanate some of the worship that is pleasing to you in this week of my celibacy from everyone and everything.
As I get older I do not feel wiser Lord, I feel somehow more foolish. This recent experience has taught me that. I become more aware of what I still do not know than what I do know. However, I give thanks Lord that I have the self awareness I have and can learn from my mistakes. Thank you for one more day without pain God! Thank you for showing me that people I may feel close to will let me down, but that YOU never do beautiful God. Thank you for showing me I must be worry free on people and expectations of them as Jesus said -- "who by worrying adds one cubit to life?"
I would like to ask for blessings and prayer to everyone at the Bureau, my family, my friends, my professors, and most of all those in need of you right now, right here in Los Angeles who have neither I listed above. I hope to make some time this month to feed and clothe the homeless and comfort the broken and battered. Please comfort them Lord, they need you.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Rolling Dice w/ God
Gods will..rolling mostly 6's and 1's.
What to do about Acctng?
Work with Kengo as a tutor for pay
What to do about job?
Volunteer
What to do about "friends"?
Make new onesjavascript:void(0)
Where to make new friends?
School
What to do about "men"?
Stop focusing on them
What to do about my major?
Psychology
What to do about Acctng?
Work with Kengo as a tutor for pay
What to do about job?
Volunteer
What to do about "friends"?
Make new onesjavascript:void(0)
Where to make new friends?
School
What to do about "men"?
Stop focusing on them
What to do about my major?
Psychology
I feel a little bit this of way..
thinking of him.. my friend who's name I'm not allowed to say...neway, I miss him..
I feel so bad about all the mistakes I have already made with him and feel he might not be able to forget but still will feel for him regardless from afar til I see him and can express.
I want to crawl back inside my mother's womb
I want to shut out all the lights in this room
I want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink
Scrub away all these thoughts that i think
of you
So life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil
Feel like i watch from 6 feet under the soil
Still want to hold you and kiss behind your ears
Yet i recount the countless tears that i lost for you
But before you finally go there's one thing you should know: That I promise...
I feel so bad about all the mistakes I have already made with him and feel he might not be able to forget but still will feel for him regardless from afar til I see him and can express.
I want to crawl back inside my mother's womb
I want to shut out all the lights in this room
I want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink
Scrub away all these thoughts that i think
of you
So life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil
Feel like i watch from 6 feet under the soil
Still want to hold you and kiss behind your ears
Yet i recount the countless tears that i lost for you
But before you finally go there's one thing you should know: That I promise...
Saturday, April 3, 2010
By the Roll of The Dice
Wow.. ironic that this is from the same person I have been writing about. I have begun to list some of life options.. and
What to finally do about him? was one of them
1) be his friend and never again look at him as anything more-this is hurting you neway
2) do not talk to him for 1 month
3) trash talk him, beat him up and hate on him
4) rape him
5) do/say 1 kind thing for/to him every day for 1 month
6) send him the link to my personal blog where his email lies and then do not talk to him for a specified dice roll of time. this is taking a chance in more ways than one by letting him read it
Well, fuck, I rolled a 6..:(
What to finally do about him? was one of them
1) be his friend and never again look at him as anything more-this is hurting you neway
2) do not talk to him for 1 month
3) trash talk him, beat him up and hate on him
4) rape him
5) do/say 1 kind thing for/to him every day for 1 month
6) send him the link to my personal blog where his email lies and then do not talk to him for a specified dice roll of time. this is taking a chance in more ways than one by letting him read it
Well, fuck, I rolled a 6..:(
Friday, April 2, 2010
Kill My Expectations
You know how there was that nifty "kill your television" saying? I need to have a "kill your expectations" T-shirt that I wear until they are all gone. They are fuckin me up and have been for quite some time..
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
whos making music
I am losing myself. I am losing my creativity and need to get it back. I need to leave LA for a bit to once again find myself. I am thinking OR, WA or NM.
I do not know what I want to do for my 3rd career run, but I need to try to step out in a direction, regardless of whether its the "perfect" path or not.
I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. I give too much of myself and then I am really sad when I get nothing back. The best way to combat that is to lose expectations and keep in control of my emotions when I am feeling them the strongest. Next time when I like someone, I will purposely keep myself away from them instead of trying to draw them near. As long as I think they arent into me, I wont fuck it up for myself. I think I am going to try to practice that for the next year. I must not let the way I feel about someone cloud my judgement of who they are truly and what they are giving.
I am going to take 15 minutes tonight to play the guitar. FOR FUN. We will see just how fun it is for me and if I truly still enjoy it. I cannot let this creative part of me die! It is a part of me that I need to recognize though perhaps in not the same way I once did in NYC.
I do not know what I want to do for my 3rd career run, but I need to try to step out in a direction, regardless of whether its the "perfect" path or not.
I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. I give too much of myself and then I am really sad when I get nothing back. The best way to combat that is to lose expectations and keep in control of my emotions when I am feeling them the strongest. Next time when I like someone, I will purposely keep myself away from them instead of trying to draw them near. As long as I think they arent into me, I wont fuck it up for myself. I think I am going to try to practice that for the next year. I must not let the way I feel about someone cloud my judgement of who they are truly and what they are giving.
I am going to take 15 minutes tonight to play the guitar. FOR FUN. We will see just how fun it is for me and if I truly still enjoy it. I cannot let this creative part of me die! It is a part of me that I need to recognize though perhaps in not the same way I once did in NYC.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Row Row My Boat
03/28/10
From the world of so and so! Hmm oh rly. By the way, thanks for reading this. I know this shit is hella long book-like but.. feelings.."assumptions", perceptions and ideas... take a while to come about and express...also you won't get this email because I realized you don't deserve an actual email from me this long and thought out, since I feel such little effort expended to actually get to know me or be a friend. I do however want to keep this to review, as I am now going to guard my heart against guys for the future. You took my focus off God for a bit there.. but it's back where it belongs. Thanks!
When we met I told you that I am a honest girl and aways try to put things out on the table so I am writing to say that I am really saddened by the way things have gone down with us since we started talking. What I knew of you, I really liked. I really liked your style & music taste, DJing with you, the way you talked with me, your friendly disposition, and felt we had great things in common with one another. I could imagine us being able to do a lot of fun things together and wanted to begin sharing myself with you and vice versa, and I don't feel that way often so its lame when shit doesn't pan out. LOL.
I was really hoping you could have been honest with me about not being into me when I had first asked you, and the second time I asked, however, I feel it is obvious now that you are not. I am not sure why you stated to be, but that's your bag. Or maybe that is an another assumption (of the many you say I make) on my part? You tell me. Though I did not know you very well, I want to say I really felt something really strong for you (not even sure entirely why-it was a instinct thing), I thought about you very often, had intense sexual chemistry for you and was really hoping that there was a mutual desire for intimacy. Now I almost wish I didn't, believe me - - This guy, This guy, I tried not to feel anything for you or think about you that way.
But here we are at today, I am grasping now that you are too "busy", which translates to me as you were not really that into me, and most obviously, also totally OK with not speaking to me in any kind of regular communication one uses to get to know someone. Almost everything was via text, which is not truly proper communication IMO and has only served to confuse things. People do not have business meetings on text for that reason, and to try to have a relationship or build one with a stranger, lol, is ludicrous. Then when things were truly getting fucked today on text, you still chose NOT to talk to me instead of talking to me to communicate and wanting to mutually clarify things. You were busy cooking and making plans for your weekend. You said you felt judged by me, yet, you did not voice to me at the time of feeling that way. That is a red flag for me, of you possibly not able to express feelings when in a conflict. Cuz hey, I suck at reading minds, and feelings. =(
You had mentioned being in a go with the flow part of your life, and taking it easy which I really appreciated cuz I too wanted to take my time, to be easy breezy, but the flow didn't seem to go in this direction. With the exception of the 3 times in the month of March when I saw you and we hung out. 3 days in 4 weeks and you said you weren't interested in getting to know or take the time to spread yourself around and dating anyone else..? You also said you were not looking for a relationship with anyone or to rush into anything. The most important thing to me/for me or whatever, is that mainly, you just were not looking for a relationship with me. You are and we all are looking for relationship. It's human.
I always say if a guy will let you down on little things, he will def let you down on big things you care about, so its fortunate for us I am expressing out on all this and letting the idea go completely. This hurts me. But the way I see it, if I have been as distressed as I have been (and I have been) and I barely knew you yet, we weren't in a relationship at all and my feelings are so minimal for you, I can't even imagine or want to imagine how I would feel had I felt even more for you - given more to you over time and some shit went down. Because I feel you were as closed off as you were, I don't think it was a healthy dynamic for me and its one door I am too used to even try to open again. The emotionally distant guy (who was hurt before) which I barely see or hear from when I would like to, but yet pine for silently. The one who basically would be happy to fuck me but not actually be responsible for my feelings of rejection or really give anything by way of emotional needs. Yeah, I am over it. No thanks. LOL.
I expressed what I needed from you. I even clued you in on what happens in my brain (I didn't even know this before I met you so thats another great epiphany! thanks) ..1st day fine, 2nd day fine..but sometime during the 2nd evening and 3rd day my mind changes and like resets. The person is now gone from my mind and previous info from them is invalidated. By the 3rd day if I hear - from them, I am in defense/confusion mode, like "why on earth are they contacting me? are they playing games with me?" If I don't hear from them after that, I assume they do not like me and they are angrily then forgotten and discarded. If you had tried to ask me about my parents, you would have learned that I think this stems from being abandoned as a child.
Anyway, our communication is/was just a little too lax for me. Whereas to you we were "talking every day or just about". Ha. I had often wondered while waiting to hear from you, if it was just the beginning stages of how you are when you are meeting someone or if this would be how much I would ever hear from you in general? When it seemed as though this is would last, if we became closer and well, you answered my question on that one today. Last time we spoke was your Tues "girls night" which you refused to see me for a 30 minute bite to eat in your home town. What guy has a "girls night" anyway? So yeah, every 2 -3 days to hear from someone is just too long for my liking or comfort level. I feel its also too long for any real intimacy to happen or anything to grow on my part. I am used to something else, I guess...and a girl like me should never be staring at her phone -- for even a second. I am too busy and special for that.
I understand the whole guy thing and not wanting someone to think you are desperate or too available..but..it was too much. The picture I got was that you are basically not available, well, you are -- to your girls nights and your friends, and your own goals and your plans and your adorably cute lil doggie, you, you, you, but just not to me.
It isn't rocket science. The actions didn't match the words. Maybe while I was over here really into you, you are truly hoping to be with someone else, you know? LOL One person wants to give us their world and we are looking off in the distance wanting to give our world to someone else and that person is looking off and so on, and so on... Ha. When I have finally gotten over you a lot of guys I know will be very happy to stop hearing about you and someday you and I can commiserate on how the person you like doesn't doesn't like you back in the same way. It's a fucked cycle. I choose to opt out. =P
Anyway, I don't know trick, for me when I want to get to know someone I make time to see them. I call them, ask them to do things as I did with you. I will try to include them in on even the most minor things just to hang with them, and I call them because I want to share stuff with them. It pretty much works that way for everyone. Now, granted I didn't expect you to be as impatient as me, or even act exactly like me, but I did expect something along those lines of attention to someone you say you like. My bad, guess I was just on booty call status..(but you got really no booty?..) LOL
It should be easy, not this hard to "get to know" someone and get their attention, and I think that is mutual choice too. If it weren't for the 6 other guys that are into me (that I didn't even give a passing chance or thought to while in you) sadly and foolishly on me, I probably wouldn't have recognized the signs of you not being into me so soon, and that you obviously didn't feel the same about me as I did about you. Like you said, you go out when you want to, prob call when you want to, and most likely you invite someone over or out when you want to.. with me, its obvious you just didn't want to, because you often didn't/don't.
If it weren't for the others fucking calling me, asking me out, texting me about their day and asking about mine, sending me pics asking if I remember them, trying to make time to see me, taking me out, and inviting me to do the most mundane things just to see me, then I could TOTALLY PRETEND that you really were just "busy" but STILL REALLY LIKED ME like you said you did and wait around for a weekly call, or wait 2 days for texts and possibly a hot twice a month visit. However, their clear signs of what someone who likes me should and probably would act like, even someone getting to know me as a platonic friend, showed me sadly and undeniably that you just didn't like me that way. And now after tonights strangest ever text convo and this really honest email, you probably never will -- as maybe you are offended by this.
I am so sad. You would prob tell me in your Hallmark way to "just smile" or "feel your (absent) hugs" or the best one "go listen to some music". That doesn't work for me, and is kind of empty -- does that work for you? If so, you poor inner child. Or rather does someone coming over to see you, or trying to cheer you up over the phone, or taking you out to do something you love, or listening to you vent about a bad day or even just holding you while you cry feel much better for lifting someone's down spirit? Yeah, so I am still sad despite your caring sweet nothings.
We have mutual friends. I am having a hard time at work, I feel weird about my fucking birthday, I am trying to be comfortable with a new person I am coming to grips with being and I am under stress at school to keep my A's. I get shit from my roomies about cleaning and it sucks. I do p90x and feel I am plateau-ing. I am thinking things would have gone much better and easier had you just been up front with me from the get, knowing full well what you want and who you like, etc. You still have that chance to state the shit once and for all and ask me to leave you the fuck alone or just say to me "I don't like you girl, and I am not into you as a girlfriend." =) btw. It will work wonders with me leaving you alone, and me moving on. I don't want to bother you just as much as you don't want to be bothered. LOL.
I am frustrated because I really liked you and feel jilted. You said you didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.. well psssh. Wtf, man?
NEWAYZ, I will just need some span of time to shift my focus and thoughts from you. They have been on you waaay too much =) No hard feelings though. We can be "friends", or whatever that means to you and I, when I have gotten over the fact that I was rejected and somewhat led on by someone I really liked that just didnt like me back in that way and wasn't honest about it with me. I am glad this happened the way it did. You were right about that.
I should have guessed someone who has to claim to be honest probably isn't that honest to begin with. By the way, thanks for reading this. I know you are very very very busy...and this is roughly begun from Mar 14th, go figure!
Also, thanks for inspiring the below.
3/10/10
thinking of you and your touch
bed dog hair filled, with roaches and tea in the bathroom
normally a gross turn OFF but
your Paris boudoir mesmerizing fingers and smile inside say ON
you give me goosebumps
you tickle my insides
you say you feel it too,
so then why don't you call me?
hot- this burning, aching in my loins
this breaking of your rules
i want our hands, mind, and body to join
i see something special in you
it says your music could fill my days
and roar would make my nights
maybe its just a speck in my eye
but yet you don't call me?
rockin to your beat
Do you feel the same?
Are you just playing games?
Am I one of many names, one of many flames?
just rockin to your beat
Do you feel the same?
Are you just playing games?
Am I one of many names, one of many flames?
rockin to your beat
From the world of so and so! Hmm oh rly. By the way, thanks for reading this. I know this shit is hella long book-like but.. feelings.."assumptions", perceptions and ideas... take a while to come about and express...also you won't get this email because I realized you don't deserve an actual email from me this long and thought out, since I feel such little effort expended to actually get to know me or be a friend. I do however want to keep this to review, as I am now going to guard my heart against guys for the future. You took my focus off God for a bit there.. but it's back where it belongs. Thanks!
When we met I told you that I am a honest girl and aways try to put things out on the table so I am writing to say that I am really saddened by the way things have gone down with us since we started talking. What I knew of you, I really liked. I really liked your style & music taste, DJing with you, the way you talked with me, your friendly disposition, and felt we had great things in common with one another. I could imagine us being able to do a lot of fun things together and wanted to begin sharing myself with you and vice versa, and I don't feel that way often so its lame when shit doesn't pan out. LOL.
I was really hoping you could have been honest with me about not being into me when I had first asked you, and the second time I asked, however, I feel it is obvious now that you are not. I am not sure why you stated to be, but that's your bag. Or maybe that is an another assumption (of the many you say I make) on my part? You tell me. Though I did not know you very well, I want to say I really felt something really strong for you (not even sure entirely why-it was a instinct thing), I thought about you very often, had intense sexual chemistry for you and was really hoping that there was a mutual desire for intimacy. Now I almost wish I didn't, believe me - - This guy, This guy, I tried not to feel anything for you or think about you that way.
But here we are at today, I am grasping now that you are too "busy", which translates to me as you were not really that into me, and most obviously, also totally OK with not speaking to me in any kind of regular communication one uses to get to know someone. Almost everything was via text, which is not truly proper communication IMO and has only served to confuse things. People do not have business meetings on text for that reason, and to try to have a relationship or build one with a stranger, lol, is ludicrous. Then when things were truly getting fucked today on text, you still chose NOT to talk to me instead of talking to me to communicate and wanting to mutually clarify things. You were busy cooking and making plans for your weekend. You said you felt judged by me, yet, you did not voice to me at the time of feeling that way. That is a red flag for me, of you possibly not able to express feelings when in a conflict. Cuz hey, I suck at reading minds, and feelings. =(
You had mentioned being in a go with the flow part of your life, and taking it easy which I really appreciated cuz I too wanted to take my time, to be easy breezy, but the flow didn't seem to go in this direction. With the exception of the 3 times in the month of March when I saw you and we hung out. 3 days in 4 weeks and you said you weren't interested in getting to know or take the time to spread yourself around and dating anyone else..? You also said you were not looking for a relationship with anyone or to rush into anything. The most important thing to me/for me or whatever, is that mainly, you just were not looking for a relationship with me. You are and we all are looking for relationship. It's human.
I always say if a guy will let you down on little things, he will def let you down on big things you care about, so its fortunate for us I am expressing out on all this and letting the idea go completely. This hurts me. But the way I see it, if I have been as distressed as I have been (and I have been) and I barely knew you yet, we weren't in a relationship at all and my feelings are so minimal for you, I can't even imagine or want to imagine how I would feel had I felt even more for you - given more to you over time and some shit went down. Because I feel you were as closed off as you were, I don't think it was a healthy dynamic for me and its one door I am too used to even try to open again. The emotionally distant guy (who was hurt before) which I barely see or hear from when I would like to, but yet pine for silently. The one who basically would be happy to fuck me but not actually be responsible for my feelings of rejection or really give anything by way of emotional needs. Yeah, I am over it. No thanks. LOL.
I expressed what I needed from you. I even clued you in on what happens in my brain (I didn't even know this before I met you so thats another great epiphany! thanks) ..1st day fine, 2nd day fine..but sometime during the 2nd evening and 3rd day my mind changes and like resets. The person is now gone from my mind and previous info from them is invalidated. By the 3rd day if I hear - from them, I am in defense/confusion mode, like "why on earth are they contacting me? are they playing games with me?" If I don't hear from them after that, I assume they do not like me and they are angrily then forgotten and discarded. If you had tried to ask me about my parents, you would have learned that I think this stems from being abandoned as a child.
Anyway, our communication is/was just a little too lax for me. Whereas to you we were "talking every day or just about". Ha. I had often wondered while waiting to hear from you, if it was just the beginning stages of how you are when you are meeting someone or if this would be how much I would ever hear from you in general? When it seemed as though this is would last, if we became closer and well, you answered my question on that one today. Last time we spoke was your Tues "girls night" which you refused to see me for a 30 minute bite to eat in your home town. What guy has a "girls night" anyway? So yeah, every 2 -3 days to hear from someone is just too long for my liking or comfort level. I feel its also too long for any real intimacy to happen or anything to grow on my part. I am used to something else, I guess...and a girl like me should never be staring at her phone -- for even a second. I am too busy and special for that.
I understand the whole guy thing and not wanting someone to think you are desperate or too available..but..it was too much. The picture I got was that you are basically not available, well, you are -- to your girls nights and your friends, and your own goals and your plans and your adorably cute lil doggie, you, you, you, but just not to me.
It isn't rocket science. The actions didn't match the words. Maybe while I was over here really into you, you are truly hoping to be with someone else, you know? LOL One person wants to give us their world and we are looking off in the distance wanting to give our world to someone else and that person is looking off and so on, and so on... Ha. When I have finally gotten over you a lot of guys I know will be very happy to stop hearing about you and someday you and I can commiserate on how the person you like doesn't doesn't like you back in the same way. It's a fucked cycle. I choose to opt out. =P
Anyway, I don't know trick, for me when I want to get to know someone I make time to see them. I call them, ask them to do things as I did with you. I will try to include them in on even the most minor things just to hang with them, and I call them because I want to share stuff with them. It pretty much works that way for everyone. Now, granted I didn't expect you to be as impatient as me, or even act exactly like me, but I did expect something along those lines of attention to someone you say you like. My bad, guess I was just on booty call status..(but you got really no booty?..) LOL
It should be easy, not this hard to "get to know" someone and get their attention, and I think that is mutual choice too. If it weren't for the 6 other guys that are into me (that I didn't even give a passing chance or thought to while in you) sadly and foolishly on me, I probably wouldn't have recognized the signs of you not being into me so soon, and that you obviously didn't feel the same about me as I did about you. Like you said, you go out when you want to, prob call when you want to, and most likely you invite someone over or out when you want to.. with me, its obvious you just didn't want to, because you often didn't/don't.
If it weren't for the others fucking calling me, asking me out, texting me about their day and asking about mine, sending me pics asking if I remember them, trying to make time to see me, taking me out, and inviting me to do the most mundane things just to see me, then I could TOTALLY PRETEND that you really were just "busy" but STILL REALLY LIKED ME like you said you did and wait around for a weekly call, or wait 2 days for texts and possibly a hot twice a month visit. However, their clear signs of what someone who likes me should and probably would act like, even someone getting to know me as a platonic friend, showed me sadly and undeniably that you just didn't like me that way. And now after tonights strangest ever text convo and this really honest email, you probably never will -- as maybe you are offended by this.
I am so sad. You would prob tell me in your Hallmark way to "just smile" or "feel your (absent) hugs" or the best one "go listen to some music". That doesn't work for me, and is kind of empty -- does that work for you? If so, you poor inner child. Or rather does someone coming over to see you, or trying to cheer you up over the phone, or taking you out to do something you love, or listening to you vent about a bad day or even just holding you while you cry feel much better for lifting someone's down spirit? Yeah, so I am still sad despite your caring sweet nothings.
We have mutual friends. I am having a hard time at work, I feel weird about my fucking birthday, I am trying to be comfortable with a new person I am coming to grips with being and I am under stress at school to keep my A's. I get shit from my roomies about cleaning and it sucks. I do p90x and feel I am plateau-ing. I am thinking things would have gone much better and easier had you just been up front with me from the get, knowing full well what you want and who you like, etc. You still have that chance to state the shit once and for all and ask me to leave you the fuck alone or just say to me "I don't like you girl, and I am not into you as a girlfriend." =) btw. It will work wonders with me leaving you alone, and me moving on. I don't want to bother you just as much as you don't want to be bothered. LOL.
I am frustrated because I really liked you and feel jilted. You said you didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.. well psssh. Wtf, man?
NEWAYZ, I will just need some span of time to shift my focus and thoughts from you. They have been on you waaay too much =) No hard feelings though. We can be "friends", or whatever that means to you and I, when I have gotten over the fact that I was rejected and somewhat led on by someone I really liked that just didnt like me back in that way and wasn't honest about it with me. I am glad this happened the way it did. You were right about that.
I should have guessed someone who has to claim to be honest probably isn't that honest to begin with. By the way, thanks for reading this. I know you are very very very busy...and this is roughly begun from Mar 14th, go figure!
Also, thanks for inspiring the below.
3/10/10
thinking of you and your touch
bed dog hair filled, with roaches and tea in the bathroom
normally a gross turn OFF but
your Paris boudoir mesmerizing fingers and smile inside say ON
you give me goosebumps
you tickle my insides
you say you feel it too,
so then why don't you call me?
hot- this burning, aching in my loins
this breaking of your rules
i want our hands, mind, and body to join
i see something special in you
it says your music could fill my days
and roar would make my nights
maybe its just a speck in my eye
but yet you don't call me?
rockin to your beat
Do you feel the same?
Are you just playing games?
Am I one of many names, one of many flames?
just rockin to your beat
Do you feel the same?
Are you just playing games?
Am I one of many names, one of many flames?
rockin to your beat
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)