so much!

is going on..will write soon!

Job, No Job, Job, No Job 2

So yes, my previous job is gone. I had come in late the day after I spent with M. The mgmt was very hard on me since that time. I too had growing feelings of dissatisfaction. Then I had made things somewhat worse as my depression deepened into complete disgust for my job. No more smiley me, talking to everyone, helping everyone out, and they took notice, fast. They said start smiling at us again or else! I guess for better or worse, I chose else.. I am VERY, I repeat VERY, blessed to have the poppa large cushion I have created for myself and I never forget it.

The change was noticeable after I left. Apparently, anyone who has seen me since is like, "wow you seem so much happier!" LOL. My teachers are actually glad I no longer am working there as are the people I know who still work there.

This could be because my sister is coming, it could be because I want to try to get in touch with my creative side once more and possibly make more money so I don't have to work..again and pay for another 2 years of college (I can will a studio and engineer into existence pronto?!) it could be because I now have time to do what I love which is study to get to..well, I don't know where I am going, but I do want to study to get there. This relief is probably due to a # of things, I also got my gym membership, and a trainer, (so no more p90 plataeu).

I am keeping myself busy doing things I am into while lookin for a new "gig". By now I'm sure you know what they are -- God (lol, "into" God), video games, music, art, learning/seeing/trying new things, movies, computers, women's causes, traveling, fixing things, and studying. I was also really into the feeling of falling in love and meeting people, but those can wait.

So now lets review what I WANT IN LIFE

:) In all areas of our lives we want things. It is time to focus on what I do want than what I don't. :) More on this to come.

my class A fuckup

Professor,
I am probably in need of a counselor and would have gone to see one if it did not take 2 weeks to get an appointment with one. I am incredibly depressed and I do not know what is wrong with me. After I walked out of your class last week (something i never thought I would do) I sat in my car crying for over an hour and later hyperventilating and contemplating suicide in the parking lot. Luckily S saw me and talked to me a bit before leaving me.

I am dropping my classes and possibly out of college and because I just don't know what else to do and I feel so overwhelmed with all that I have placed on my plate. Also, I don't even know that this is the plate I want to eat. I am the only one at dinner and I am tired of eating alone. Also clearly, this symptom of low self esteem has shown itself in so many areas of my life these last two years..and I just cannot deal yet, I do not know how to change it. In constantly trying to do my best, I continually do my worst and give only selfish commands ironically thinking that I am only my worst.

You have assisted me in many ways already and I want you to know this. Even just me witnessing your normal personal life and marriage has had some effect on me. Last week I even experienced a moment watching you where I myself wanted to be a Professor!

However, I have become an idiot run by my emotions and lacking self control. I am not thinking and yet I am through thinking at the same time. I have become self serving self destructive and careless. Even in trying the homework which I am supposed to hand in tomorrow, I have gotten them wrong and feel more terrible for not getting the concepts STILL! I have wanted to ask for help yet did not, and do not. I am so confused at this time even with my own actions, Professor.

I wanted to be your friend and your great student and yet I have behaved in a manner exact opposite to that..for that inconsistency I sincerely apologize. I am sorry I walked out on your class. I hope that you can some day forgive me for that.

Sincerely,
me

Am I going to begin writing music again?

Possibly. Got Young Poisoners Handbook, Penelope, and Welcome to the Dollhouse. I am a happy bunny. Got some fresh air and tomorrow I am going to prepare for my family to come next week. I cannot wait to see my sister!! I think I will roller blade around the EDD office tomorrow and shit on everyone with my happiness being out of job.

Watched the Secret tonight with Ryan and the boys. Test tomorrow night. Then studying for Accounting to raise grade to A, before I have to drop. Four people want me to sing on their tracks..interesting turn of events from just one mind idea change the other day...

Guitar lesson begins this Sunday. Guess who is going to learn to play and sing "Give me Jesus"? :)

A 2 and a 5

Rolled a 2 and a 5 as to what I am to do in my spare time away from people this week. I am to volunteer for the homeless and learn 2 new languages. Then a 4 and 2, as to 2 new things to try -- I am to sign up for a class to watercolor and kiss someone with no thoughts of a future with them! :o

I chose French and German to begin with. I have 3 weeks with which to do this ongoing. Rolled a 1 and emailed M and ask him to see me when the time is up. He may say no or yes, since I have let go of all that pressure stuff, I may be slightly disappointed with a no, but either way it's fine. It's nice to be at this place with him.

Job, No Job, Job, No Job

Today I lost my job. More on this to come...

i like this song

The colored lights, they brightly shine.
Unlike your eyes avoiding mine.
The snow is folding sheet upon sheet.
Our hands not holding as we cross the street.

You have had your fill your fill of me.
You have had your fill your fill of me.

I wore the dress I thought you loved.
But my boots are filling with snow you shoved
Off of the car we climb into.
You finished first, I must catch up to you.

You have had your fill your fill of me.
You have had your fill your fill of me.

How can I catch up when I don't don't want to?
How can I catch up when I still want you?

You have had your fill your fill of me.
You have had your fill your fill of me.

December baby, you are my,
December baby, you are my,
December baby, you are my,

Oh Just Great! What is going on with me?!

How on earth can I change this horrible side of myself?!?!?!

Hi,
I have never had the experience of working with someone a student whose doubts cloud their abilities quite to the extreme that yours do.

You have been in my class for almost one and a half semesters. You continuously do excellent work in the Math Academy. However, even when the answers are discussed immediately after you turn in A work, you are sure that you did poorly.

I think that one of the reasons you do not like to do multi-step problems is because by the time you are done with the first step, you might have convinced yourself to such a high degree that you don’t know what you are doing, that you have no reason to continue since you might be convinced that it is wrong right at that step.

I do not know how to assist you. You are such a gifted student that I can see your abilities could take you as high in mathematics (or really anything) as you wanted to go, if only your belief in yourself did not stop you.

I am sorry to write this in an email because email can be so impersonal and things can easily be said in such a way as to lead to mis-interpretation. However, I fear that I might not see you again, thus, this might be the only form of communication available to me. You might want to make an appointment with a counselor. I will assist you, if possible.
T

Day Thanks

Dear Lord,
My wonderful Father God. Thank you so much for all your blessings. You are so good to me Lord! I want to give thanks for time with Karin on my birthday on Monday and seeing and hearing from my family on that day. How heartwarming. I am blessed to have them!

God please show me your direction in life for my career you want me to go in. I do not want to question your will Lord or be fearful of what your divine will is for me, like Jonah. I am impatient and you keep trying this with me. Thank you God.

Lord please comfort me in this strange loneliness I am feeling and show me the way to get even closer to you. It is as you say seek you and all else is added. I want nothing more than to have you with me always. When you are with me, truly all my foolish worldly cares melt away and disappear and all that is left is your love and will.

Please help me to forget about M in the sense that I have been thinking of him and just to truly see him for who he is and completely view it without desire toward him. Please put more men in my future life whom I can speak to about you and love you with. Thank you for my car Jehovah Jirae! Thank you for my place to live and clothing and food and sustenance... all needs met, Yahweh. I praise you and love you my Adonai! I hope I am going to emanate some of the worship that is pleasing to you in this week of my celibacy from everyone and everything.

As I get older I do not feel wiser Lord, I feel somehow more foolish. This recent experience has taught me that. I become more aware of what I still do not know than what I do know. However, I give thanks Lord that I have the self awareness I have and can learn from my mistakes. Thank you for one more day without pain God! Thank you for showing me that people I may feel close to will let me down, but that YOU never do beautiful God. Thank you for showing me I must be worry free on people and expectations of them as Jesus said -- "who by worrying adds one cubit to life?"
I would like to ask for blessings and prayer to everyone at the Bureau, my family, my friends, my professors, and most of all those in need of you right now, right here in Los Angeles who have neither I listed above. I hope to make some time this month to feed and clothe the homeless and comfort the broken and battered. Please comfort them Lord, they need you.

Rolling Dice w/ God

Gods will..rolling mostly 6's and 1's.

What to do about Acctng?
Work with Kengo as a tutor for pay

What to do about job?
Volunteer

What to do about "friends"?
Make new onesjavascript:void(0)

Where to make new friends?
School

What to do about "men"?
Stop focusing on them

What to do about my major?
Psychology

I feel a little bit this of way..

thinking of him.. my friend who's name I'm not allowed to say...neway, I miss him..

I feel so bad about all the mistakes I have already made with him and feel he might not be able to forget but still will feel for him regardless from afar til I see him and can express.

I want to crawl back inside my mother's womb
I want to shut out all the lights in this room
I want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink
Scrub away all these thoughts that i think

of you

So life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil
Feel like i watch from 6 feet under the soil
Still want to hold you and kiss behind your ears
Yet i recount the countless tears that i lost for you

But before you finally go there's one thing you should know: That I promise...

By the Roll of The Dice

Wow.. ironic that this is from the same person I have been writing about. I have begun to list some of life options.. and

What to finally do about him? was one of them

1) be his friend and never again look at him as anything more-this is hurting you neway
2) do not talk to him for 1 month
3) trash talk him, beat him up and hate on him
4) rape him
5) do/say 1 kind thing for/to him every day for 1 month
6) send him the link to my personal blog where his email lies and then do not talk to him for a specified dice roll of time. this is taking a chance in more ways than one by letting him read it

Well, fuck, I rolled a 6..:(

Kill My Expectations

You know how there was that nifty "kill your television" saying? I need to have a "kill your expectations" T-shirt that I wear until they are all gone. They are fuckin me up and have been for quite some time..

whos making music

I am losing myself. I am losing my creativity and need to get it back. I need to leave LA for a bit to once again find myself. I am thinking OR, WA or NM.

I do not know what I want to do for my 3rd career run, but I need to try to step out in a direction, regardless of whether its the "perfect" path or not.

I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. I give too much of myself and then I am really sad when I get nothing back. The best way to combat that is to lose expectations and keep in control of my emotions when I am feeling them the strongest. Next time when I like someone, I will purposely keep myself away from them instead of trying to draw them near. As long as I think they arent into me, I wont fuck it up for myself. I think I am going to try to practice that for the next year. I must not let the way I feel about someone cloud my judgement of who they are truly and what they are giving.

I am going to take 15 minutes tonight to play the guitar. FOR FUN. We will see just how fun it is for me and if I truly still enjoy it. I cannot let this creative part of me die! It is a part of me that I need to recognize though perhaps in not the same way I once did in NYC.