This Day In - #tbt - A Day - My Life in My Eyes

I was gonna post this on Thursday and no, I don't think it is throwback Thursday. Who am I kidding? I will likely forget by Thursday and I think its a fun idea right now, so I might as well do it now. Right? Before I forget - thank you brain fog. 

I have been a lucky/weird/analytical/documentor/prayer archivist or whatever you want to call this strange thing that I do - for the last 15 years of my life and I am fortunate to be able to at any moment look back to where I was at a point in time, at ANY time in my life in the month of (April). 

With that here is a time machine like look into my last X number of years on this planet or near April/May throughout time:
1996 - Apr/ May
dADdY ©SM4-96

Wake up in the morning
Feeling like shit
Last night was a doozy
Can't remember it.
Why do I feel this way?
You, "man of the house"
All about town getting fucked up.
You, tower of SHIT
Coming to me for comfort tonight.
Don't touch me it's not that way anymore!
I'm not gonna do time for daddy's crime no more!
Look at me like I'm a piece of meat,
Feel so ashamed can't walk down the street,
I HATE YOU FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!
But, I will escape I will be free. 
My nightmares should be your guilt.
How dare you stare beneath my quilt?
Strong I am to take the pain but,
Not gonna take it again and again.
Don't touch me it's not that way anymore!
I'm not gonna do time for daddy's crime no more!

Q     U    E    E    N       B   E      E       
( 4-96)
Queen bee     shining     looking   
screaming        to         feel
Smoking,       joking,     poking
fun at me

Stare in the mirror hate what I see.
Queen bee
making, taking, breaking,
what’s inside.......

Good time girl,
Hair in a curl,
Gonna conquer the world !

Stare in the mirror, happy was me.


Dream
Ths is th wrst cgrtte I've evr tastd
        Entrs lik dmons n my throat
Sdnss wshs ovr me
                       I'm alne in my sin
Nohtng wrties awy the pain
Cept mybe rain or a showr
Drty grl, you let hm do it agin
Again. Why cn't you fight bck?
You ugly whre slap me on my ass
Tell me it'l b alrght nd That i'll nver
Wake
                                                                             Up
                                                                                Again
                                                                                To
                                                                                Dream!


1997 - Apr/May
Story of this Homme us ©SLM & JAG 5-97
Pacing, Waiting in shame
The pain, You gave opening me up
Something, I didn’t gain
Now I’m just a shell of myself
Of who I used to be
A far fucking memory
Setting settling 
Getting kind of spoiled
Now I’m soiled 
What for a stupid reason
Guess it’s killing season
Cause we’re dying
Dropping like flies in the shit
We’ve left for tomorrow
Now the sorrow
We procrastinated
Killed. killing what we’ve created for too long. 

1998 - Apr/May
Portrait       (SLM&JAG 5-10-98)
A lost portrait of our souls done in black and gold
Since the days of old you’ve been singing songs of sadness
Tormented by the future, swinging on a rope of madness
(chorus)
Everyone is stained, everyone is tainted,
Everyone is pained,  everyone is painted.

As I sit in front of you knowing but yet unknown
You know, I know, you know, where this road is going to
Your coined flip and see your fate Your coined flip and see your fate 
Your coined flip and see your fate Your coined flip and see your fate 
(chorus)

1999- Apr/May
Pulling on my heart 5/99
U have lifted me up to the highest of heights
And you have broken me now down to that 1920 gum spot on the ground
U can mention with sharpest of tongues that you think I’m crazy.
But I feel just as free to say I love you baby.
So what am I gonna do now that its over?
What will I do now that you’re gone?
Save these tiny broken pieces of me and carry on.

Pull me apart put me back together again
Pull me apart, put me back together again with you

U, those hurtful words you say, I would like to comment if I may
You are being callous with my precious feelings you and all your shady dealings.
But yet I still want you, still need you so what can I do?

Pulling me apart put me back together
Pull me apart, put me back together again with you. With you.

I am your dolly and this songs for you.
Your Barbie became blimpie because you simply didn’t understand
Her or her ways now you’ve made the sunny days gray
But you know you can change. its not too late
I’m only as deep as the food you ate
So take my off your plate and erect for me a slate because this road is winding and I’m getting irate.

Pull me apart put me back together again with you
Pulling me apart, putting me back together.
Pulling me apart pulling at my heart.

2000 - Apr/ May
Ahhh. The self fulfilling prophecy...nice. Well, needless to say the news we've all been waiting for has finally come. Shahn and I have broken up. It wasn't working, i mean it seemed like it was but the timing and the dynamic was all wrong. So I am now having to move out and tonight (while i am still here) Shahn says things like, "so.. when are u leaving"?  LOL. Funny, we used to say "it never ends" well apparently it is ending...at least that side of us. The past few days have been like a whirlwind for me. I have learned not to make any decisions when I am feeling low. 

I finally saw Alex after months without chilling together. Her and i were speaking about our situation and they are kinda the same but I aint going out like her and Joseph. I am sure Shahn will make a great friend. He already is. Forget it, I am going to work more than ever now! SAve! Spend, Save! and focus on my future. nothing lasts forever. I am ready to go back as soon as Anthony leaves the apartment. 

It will be better for me to not to see Shahn for awhile.I am kinda sad, but i know it is all for the best. I mean he and I could have probably never lasted. Well, thats not true. Who knows what could have happened or will. My gosh, this is turning out to be very long. I know there are no excuses.On yet another lighter note...on to making it big! Photo shoot coming and video shoot and a movie. 
Someday, I hope I will find some one to share it all with.  My music, my interests, my love, my life.  Peace and love. - SLM

2002 - Apr/May
5/02
I have officially gotten my internet service back! It seems when I have been on that all people talk about is SEX though. Even the young ones.. its pic this and pic that. Hottie this and hottie that. How can a 13 year old girl say shes a hottie? 

Maybe its just AOL but I dont think so. I mean every fuckin chat is about hooking up and talking dirty. Is that all we have going for us? I mean doesnt anything else matter but our fuckin' groins? What is wrong with us? are we just bored? IF so, why? Why are we bored? What is boring us? How can we fight it?

I am not bored. I have much to do. Many people to talk to and many things to accomplish. My HS reunion is coming someday damn it! I have decided to go back to school. Things seem to b moving fast in the music right now. Everyone is looking for the next new thing. They think we are it, but I dont want to b someones fucking hobby label signing. I hope lots of people will come to our show and kick ass. 

I am practicing everyday now. We are practicing as a band a lot too cuz im a fucking taskmaster son. We have all seen how helpful it is.
I need to pay my rent so i am getting another part time job. I hate Sprint PCS. I feel like all the companies we use are trying to rob us. I think I am the only one who feels this way - thinks these thoughts. What can i do about it? I wonder. Well, i dont know what else to write maybe i am just being moody. I 'm gonna finish cooking my mac and cheese over here and i will write more later.
Tootles, me

2003 - Apr/May
2003-04- 30 - 4:35 p.m.
I tried using Lissy's cool designs.. nada. It doesnt work. I like this Shawn McDonald. Damn that Chad! Can't stop thinking of him, especially now. The more music he intros me to the more I will thnk of him when hes gone =( Boo hoo. My horoscope was weird today. Hmmmm. Nope. I'm not telling u, diary. He says he's gonna come visit ME on Friday. We'll see. He looked at me like he really was going to miss me yesterday when I left him. I hugged him and his mom goodbye and he was like gimme a kiss. I was like "Your mom?! she might be watching." He said "she knows." Then he asked me to call him and teased me about missing him. He knows I'm going to miss him. He's so damn sure of himself! Grrr. I dont know about him, man. He is sooo confusing. None the less I feel what I feel. I am leaving work but I have alot to say about this. So I'll write more later. =)
love,me (someone, anyone, please..forever)

2003-05- 01 - 4:32 p.m.
So.. Chad isnt coming this Friday. How could I have been so foolish to think that it would actually happen after everything he has told me? I feel like a fuckin ass. I am writing more and more in my band diary e-nymph.com. Which is a good thing.
I cant believe this Chad situation. People are telling me that to give it up and people are telling him to give it up and I don’t know maybe we just should. I mean what did I think? That I would live with him after 2 weeks? We would move in together? How could I not use my head? That he would become another person and not be afraid to leave his house? I have been so dumb.

My hearts' been taking over these last two weeks and I have been acting like a damn child and a fool. Nonetheless I still love him but this is ridiculous. We cannot have anything. I must move on. He lives too far and is ill..I cant even start anything with him bcuz of how ill he is. He did warn/tell me that he felt had nothing to offer me. All I needed from him was his time and love. He doesn’t have that to give either apparently. He is always in pain and doesn’t even take anything to alleviate it. God I am a fuckin idiot. I can’t believe I thought this would actually work. I am being negative or realistic? Hmmm. U tell me.
love, me


2004 - Apr/May
So last night I went home and played guitar for 4 hours straight. I was even able to sing my song while playing. It was great! What a feeling. I finally broke through again. These breakthrough moments happen rarely for me, I’m not like other players.

The first breakthrough was having my fingertips not hurt or bleed for the first time. When I gained my real blisters.  Ahhh. The second was when I started to have less pain in my arms in the playing position. The third was when I began to feel a sense of ownership in holding my guitar, and picking it up. The fourth was when I could finally strum up AND down. The fifth was yesterday when I just was messing around and something else clicked. It was like ok I get it. Maybe the distortion helped but I felt great! God, I love distortion!!! Simultaneously, I learned to strum faster and I learned that certain chords go together really well. Like E to G. wow. Or C to G to D!

Someone might say “ah that’s not a big deal”, but for me it is. I mean these little breakthrough moments make you feel you can do anything afterward. So now I want to play more and learn more. I am at work though. I seriously was tempted to bring in my guitar to play during lunch. Sick, huh? Lol. I want to practice my songs, there is a chance with practice I may actually one day be able to sing and play.. and although that wasn’t one of my goals (I always figured I would just play enough to write and have someone else play while I would sing)…I might just be able to do it!

Yotam this morning was like babe u look so beautiful. Aww. Warmth. I love it. Hope he’s having a great day. My sexy babe. I told him last night about the sex we have been having and how I felt finally. I hope he understood and will take what I said into account.

5/04
OK I have had no time to write today.. more tomorrow. I started another blog at blogger. Today is going by so slow. I lost my computer and now I am at working at someone else’s desk feeling like a stranger. Grrr. Went to Lit last night, met this guy Eric who has VerY nice eyes. Nothing much to say so here is a dumb poem I wrote.

Computer computer, without you I’m dumb
Lost and confused, non coded numb
I miss you already, though it’s only been hours
If you were a person, I would bring you flowers
I have no real friends, and you’ve been with me so long
All this time you think I’d have learned to upload a song
I already miss you, hope you return to me soon
With a new improved video card and a motherboard bloom.

5/2/04
Morning. Not the best of my life. So here's another dumb poem.

She awaits his arrival impatiently. Better Luck Tomorrow in VCR. Yes.
They smile and dance and laugh and eat hummus on an old sofa bed
They go to sleep to soothing sounds of FSOL as he cuddles her warmly
She wakes up crying sometime around 4 am wondering why she is still here

He is startled and tried to calm her with love and affection.
Holds her but she cant hold back the tears
Why does her life continue to go on and in no direction?
What is the purpose of her staying alive?

Success eludes seemingly forever Love is fleeting at best
Talent is lacking and a tease And every day here is a test
She wants it to end. She decides to climb out onto the balcony
Smokes a cigarette as her life goes through her mind

What was it all for? These wasted years. Knowledge is all she has to show for
And what good will that does me when the wrinkles appear and she can’t buy medication or shoes?
Does she jump? No. She cannot even accomplish that feat.
Tattered shoes 3 years old, now a tired face on the subway
The G. What do people see when they look at her she wonders
Do they see her as she is or as a nobody? A snob? A penniless prostitute?
A wanderer? A business woman? A pretty girl?

Someone whose only goal here was to be able to make music and
couldn’t even do that successfully? There is no reason to stay now
Nothing is here for her except let downs and disappointment
When one lives for only one dream one thing to keep them going
And the realization of that thing isn’t possible
There is no other choice, there is no reason to live or to find one.

5/3/04
This is a better day. Awareness. Purity in truth. Sadness in its most potent form.
Armed with depressing conviction that only those who have been here could ever understand.  Loved ones wouldn’t, the friends couldn’t, the family wont. But we don’t live for those people. We live for ourselves, our lives are just those. Our lives. No one pays our bills, dreams our dreams, eats our food, replenishes our bodies, has sex with other people for us, falls in love for us. So please no one judge. No one can care for someone who does not love themselves. I resign to not being loved. I resign to not being cared for. Let’s see what will happen.

I went to therapy yesterday. It was interesting. I hate Oxford they make you give your birthdate. Obviously have the # you are giving them why keep on asking you when u were born? Ugh. My boss is leaving. I don’t know how much more stress I can take right now. This may be the worse time of my life right now. I think I am going through some sort of life crisis and I can’t stop it. Credit card debt. Ugh, glad I don’t have it. What a headache it all seems.

O well. I am still alive. I don’t know if I should be hospitalized. I am thinking about it. Didn’t get to say much today. Didnt want to. Because really? Who else cares but me?

2005 - Apr/May 
4/27/05
Holy shit. I knew this PUSH season was gonna be tough but not this tough! I am soo tired and its only 7:30pm. I have been here for what feels like forever without a break. I feel I must have drafted and filed about 150 contracts in the last 4 hours. My body is worn, my eyes are sore, and my hands and back hurt.

LOL. I wish I had a bf right now who could give me a damn massage. I am waay stressed and this is like day 1 of the hardcore batch which will go on well into next week and this weekend is gonna be sick! How many countries? Over 200 and all of them reneg their shipping contracts this week and next!

Put it this way we have created a folder called Bucket of Blood for the leftover drafts we can’t complete or filings. It is the Bucket of Blood. Ours. I don’t know how I am going to get through if this is how its gonna be and it only will get worse as the week goes on. I am going to have to just not go out, at all even studio cut off til I leave on May 8th. I can’t go out after work and work like this all day.

Let me stop complaining and go look at Miles for awhile. http://www.outernational go and see these guys. Miles has very good lyrics some of the really good ones. Truthfully. I met Miles last night and we hung out til 4am.. after trying to sneak into the Immortal Technique’s show. I am glad we met, he could be a good friend I think. These guys have good lyrics too. damn, write later cuz who has time to talk? not this girl. peace niggaz
-shari

5/­3/­05 
What the hell is up? Ever since this push season really started shit has hit the fan and every day is full of stress. I cannot wait until this legal assignment ends on Friday. I am glad that I got to save money but I am even more glad that this is finally over. I would never want this to be my career because sadly for them, there is no career here. 

Everyone is underpaid and seemingly just content, there is no creativity to this contracts job and I will never be one of those people who takes a nice underpaying or even overpaying “safe” job cuz its close to my house, or because it is easy, or because I don’t have to learn anything new. I am a risk taker, dissatisfied with life until it gives me the grapes I ordered damnit.

I have decided I am not going to get any more phone numbers of people I don’t know. I always fill up my phone with people’s numbers and then for one reason or another I never see them again anyway. Especially guys. If I am meant to see them again, I will. I am not going to go on the fact that I met someone as a basis to take up space in my phonebook.

Tonight I am just lounging around ay home, resting after my crazy week. I wish my DVD player was working & I could watch the video that Miles gave me. Oh well its not so I’m SOL. I will try to write more later.. god, I cant wait to go to CA.

5­/12/­05
Today is a great day! Jello diary! I am going to go to the studio in a bit, Darius is opening his restaurant finally in Brooklyn tonight so the opening should be GT's son!! I am addicted to Meet the Barkers show! LOL. I totally love Travis and Shanna's relationship however fake or real it may be. Thats the kind I want, no more no less!!! 

My stop sign red hair is banging!! I went to renew my drivers license this week and got info on ad classes and all that good shite! I am also meeting with Chris young again to see if maybe we can sell some of these songs and I am going to audition for making the band showas a total joke cuz Rae and Tonya don't think I can get to the finals. Fuck that beeyatch! You forget my name and who I am!! 

Leaving for CA and possibly visiting Mexico w/ Ed May 25th Biznyatch! All you CA people watch out!! Imma a comin! Write more later! LOL. 
love, me

2006 - Apr/May
4­/28/­06
IT is 4aM IN the morning and i am starting a new job tomorrow. I am nervous about it and I cannot sleep. Partially because of nervousness and partially because I am wondering about my relationship with my CA boyfriend.
He is a video game addict that seems to be losing sight of his real life and his previous goals. I love him very much but he is in a business and wants to continue to be in a business of selling drugs and owing people money. I do not trust this or want to be a part of this anymore.

I don’t know that his video game isn't helping him either because it is not paying any of his bills, he refuses to get a job even part time and has only anger towards me when I bring it up to him. This is a person who feels that doing the laundry is a big deal and being nice to me is a chore. We fight often about little and big things and I am getting tired of fighting as well I am sure he is too.

I dont want to continue to live my life in the manner that I am living it but it feels like although he is helping me, this situation of his is also hurting me at the same time. He has serious debt to some not so nice people and is about to incur more to some other people in order to try to make his life better and pay back said previous debtors. However, this to me is stupid and well, lazy. He says he has no time to do things, and has no car because of me, which is partly true, but even when he does he feels there is nothing to do, or wants to just play this video game.

He is consistently concerned with how the gamers feel about him or view him but has no care whatsoever about how RL people in his life such as me and his other friends, are viewing his actions or what he doing about his real life. I think that since all his time and energy is being devoted to a game he plays for more than 1,0­14 hours at a time there can really be no future for him or a real life. 

Frankly, I don’t want to be sleeping alone at 11p­/12a every night, and this is the kind of "night person" he is. A lot of things about this situation and relationship are bothering me and this is the only way I can seem to release it because he is so very defensive whenever I try to talk to him. Yelling, blaming me, getting
physical with me. 

I don’t know what his deal is. But to me the fact that we have been living here now for 2 and half weeks and we have no money for groceries (and when we have, he/we didn’t go shopping for them either) and have almost the exact same setup as he had previously in the other house, is telling me that this is a person objectively who is running away from his problems into a virtual world that has little to no real payoff and is too scared to actually grow up and become responsible (ie: get a job, attempt to get out of this drug business, follow his dreams, seek other financial means, maybe start a savings account,hello?)

With these thoughts in mind I don’t know that this is where I need to be at this point in my life where things like enough calcium, and having things in order are becoming more and more important to me. One thing is to say one wants those things another is to take the steps to actually make these things happen. I feel like I am taking steps and moving forward with the idea that he will too but when all he talks about is a game and how he is paying back this person or working things out to pay back that person... it just seems like an endless run around that he is trapped in, wants to be in, that I don’t want to be in. 

If it is not these people he is working with then it will be some other and in desperation people are likely to do even more stupid things...Being that he is stubborn coupled with lazy... well this could bode very badly. When he works he is a hard worker and he is very smart. but... idk.. hey I will write more later as I need to try and wake up tomorrow and try to make things work for myself at least - then I can help us.
love, me

2007 - Apr/May
Dear Diary, 
I don't belong here. I am losing my mind. This keyboard is not ergonomically correct. I work 20 miles away (13,000 mi. a year) from my home. I want to shut myself in my room where there are no sparkly ads or media. Where there are no people who are beginning to look like not yet cooked 2nd holocaust victims and lemmings to me. I have no money to afford to live in CA and I have no headspace left to fit in anywhere else in this country. I have changed somehow after coming here to CA and I'm not quite sure how or when this exactly happened. It's like a car wreck that I was a part of but don t remember the details. I am not dumb enough to just accept people, places, rules and most things as they are. I question. I inquire. I repel. I demand.

Most people are poor (16 million are living off less than $9,000 a year), but do you care, as the reader? Probably not, because you only really care about yourself and everything as it pertains to you. The rich people are buying 3 or more cars for their dogs, paintings and ipods respectively, not for them to drive but to fit, THINGS in - things, things and more THINGS. Ever acquiring, ever in denial.

I am inundated and attacked with advertising of everything from soap to snow to relationships and it is making me crazy. It is all a LIE. This place is a lie. I hate food shopping, bra shopping, car shopping, not shopping, I hate living. I hate living here. I have not made any progress in my mental state and just when I think I might, I become physically handicapped with yet another fun hurdle to conquer should I so choose. Well HELLO! I don't choose. I fucking opt out. I'm tired of jumping hurdles, thanks though. I'm tired of fucking. I'm tired of people and their idiosyncrasies and catering to them, watching other people cater to others idiosyncrasies, making excuses, shifting blame, lying to themselves. I hate life. I'm tired of being tired.

I cannot get into a loving relationship and it seems I push everyone away - so where is the blueprint for love in this place? Anyone? Bueller? I don t see much of it around or examples of it. They take my words and actions personally (like you do) and mine are generally without thought or care of consequence. I don't belong here. I don't belong. There is nothing or anyone that will ever understand me. For this same reason I think do not understand myself either. 

It's a fucking wonder I look at my so called bank account and still see so much money there. I don't think we should move to a credit society with no cash. I don't think its ok that we are undervalued. No, I don't want to have kids, because I don't want to bring a child into this loveless, everyone for themselves, imma get mine world. Sing it Radiohead! "I DONT belong here".


2008 - Apr/May
The purpose driven life book was given to me. Here is my Day 1:
In spite of all the advertising around me how I can remind myself that this life is really about living for God (my Higher Power), not myself is by limiting my own exposure to media, I can look at view Gods glory in everyday things. I can read the bible? I can pray and speak to Him about my life and listen to his wisdom. Surround myself by others doing the same? 

Day 2 - I am struggling to accept that God uniquely created me because of poverty I was born into, the abuse and addictions from my step dad who taught me no one will ever love me, struggling to accept my pleasure seeking self imbalance, my issues with low self esteem and questioning my own worth as a person from things my dad and other kids at school said to me. My extremely bad choices in men which reflect my dad issues. 

Day 3 - My friends and family would say the driving force of my life is (I asked them) God, Music, happiness, love.

Day 4 - Since I was made to last forever the one thing I should stop doing is: I should stop having sex right now. I should start working on building a relationship only with God and loving and taking care of myself instead of abusing myself. Stop focusing on society and start focusing on the kingdom!

Day 5 - What happened that I now realize was a test from God is coming to the realization of learning how to love and reparent myself. not living recklessly with the gift he has given me. I feel the matter he has entrusted to me is care for myself physically (though I have no idea how) to use my talents for him and to help others. 

Day 6 - How I can change how im living right now is by being more forgiving, and learn to stay quiet or leave the presence of scoffers/mockers. I can start preparing for everlasting life while appreciating the small joys in this one and that these momentary trials are just that, momentary. 

Day 7 - Where I can become more aware of God is morning walks, writing prayers, Bible reading well before bed. 

It was at this time I was pushed down by my ex (who had been abusive to me) and I was seeking special DRX treatment for my back as I was paralyzed from waist down in March of this year and unable to walk or be without pain. I just started talking more and opening up to Karin (my best friend)  began reading the "its called a breakup because its broken" book and started doing the excercises, while attending to the bible and the purpose book. 

This time is actually documented on this same blog.

2009 - Apr/May
Monday thoughts
Sad today, but the girls gonna be alright. I still haven’t heard from him since yesterday. He has not tried to call or talk it out. We all know I am no pro at that myself. There is a chance he doesn’t want to or want to be with me anymore. I am going to try to just give him time to figure things out for himself and what he wants. 

We didn’t officially break up, I just don’t know what’s going and when I don’t know whats up… I figure its probably over. For me, it’s always over, except when its good and great and nice which it seemed it was. 

I realized yesterday I still have issues with sticking stuff out, talking things out, feeling sexually degraded by men and of course, abandonment. I am much better now than I ever was but those feelings are still there because I am still who I am. 
Though granted, I am 100 times less needy than before however, partially because these days it just doesn’t matter to me as much any more when someone leaves me or doesn’t want me and partially because I trust people until they show they can’t be trusted. For me, in reality, there is always someone else.. there is always something else…somewhere else.. 

Last night Che asked me what could possibly come out of us? Me move to RI? Him move to CA? I mean at some point it will have to be either or if we are to be together? Realistically whats the deal? I told Che that I totally would move for him/for anyone if things were great and we had a good healthy relationship and I was happy in it and I think he would do the same. Though it would be better for him here than me there.. career wise. 

Career. That’s something I seriously need to focus on, that, and my Higher Power. What the hell do I want to do with my life? Love aint everything and for some reason, with me, it doesn’t last long either (the relationships that is), so it isn’t very reliable to hang my hat on..Still no contact from him..well, I guess I have to let go at some point.

2010 - Apr/May
Lord Lord I would like to humbly pray that you fill me with your love and happiness. I am feeling sad and lacking though I know this is a machination of the evil one to bring me down. I ask that you give me a heart of forgiveness and love me as only you can do and have time and again. Lord deliver me from this sadness and please gently restore me to my equilibrium. 

I am going to dance tonight and hopefully as always give you the glory in every movement, every thought and every action. I will be wordless. I will be silent and in reverence to you instead of spewing words of anger, dissatisfaction of or contempt. 

I know you have my best dreams and future in your hands and I gracefully give up my attempt at control to you. You are so good God! I only want to be in your arms. I only want to bring you joy. 

If there is some lesson to be learned I ask it speedily. I only want to please you.  Have I made you smile today? I would like to ask that you please please bring those to me in my life who will love only you and put you first. Please allow me to meet someone wonderful with whom I can speak of you and your greatness endlessly and work as a soldier for your will. Hand in hand, arm in arm in pure love. 

Lord remove this jealousy from my heart right now as it is not useful, not kind and a waste of time and my precious moments I have here to serve you. Give me a song to sing a lifting of my heart and caress me gently as only you can and do. I am raw, Lord. I am open. I am vulnerable. I need you. I need only you. Come to me Lord I await you while I read your Word. 

In your holy name I pray and give thanks for the following wonderful blessings and lessons… I give thanks for having my ability to walk today and stand upright with no pain and new strength. I give thanks for legs to dance with and a voice to sing. I give thanks for such great intelligence that all things are possible and those that are not can be learned. I give thanks for my wonderful home and family. I give thanks for you being in my life and guiding my every step though at times I am completely foolish and unaware. I give thanks for having music in my life which may bring me a joy I have been missing and a song in my heart to sing and songs to write FOR YOUR GLORY. 

I give thanks for being able to complete everything I start and having the money to come and go as I please. As I help others Lord , keep me humble and with your path as the only one in my sights. I will choose against the new and shiny things at every which turn…

2011 - Apr/May
Dear Jehovah, 
Where have I been right? Focused on boy :( ! Praise you Lord for your blessings to me! I will work harder at having faith in you and giving up my trials to you for your purpose for me. Lord please bless Ash! I want to lift up Rebecca, Liz, Dave, and the Hope team, Brenda and my friends and family to you for your will as you see fit. PLease allow me to work hard stay focused as I near the end of this semester. I am all over the place, can you see God? Please keep these bills at AWAY from me Lord as I just dont have a job to take care of them yet! I am drowning Lord, and only YOU can save me. I lift my eyes. I give my will over once again. 
In Jesus's Name,
Amen

2012 - Apr/May
Dear Lord,
Wow! You are awesome! I have settled on apt. 2 then and I am happy about it. Jake seems cool. I praise you for my friends Karin, D, Ellis, Wendy and Jasmine also helping me to move in! How blessed I am! Thank you for little things at apt 2 Lord. Parking for the car, my OWN space, a safe neighborhood, close to school and my own bathroom and walk in closet. You are great God. I was freaking out this whole time and you pulled through at the last. Today at the farmers market was inspirational. I enjoyed meeting Ellen and her band. Can I too play one day for people at a farmers market? I wish Harlan Steinberger was still recording artists for free! D, me, Ellis and Free could greatly benefit from a free recording engineer and our sound. 

Jesus, I want to humbly ask for forgiveness for swearing and cursing up a storm today and blaspheming "The Way of the Master". I just do not agree that the only way to "win converts" as he says is by telling them they dont measure up to the 10 commandments. Yes, you are right Jesus. There is no "winning" salvation. Praise you Jesus, ok. Please let me come to know more! Please comfort Roy and let him come to know you. Please show Michael my boss that you are the only way to true happiness and wealth. Please help Asha find consistent work Lord! I pray for all the other Christians suffering and in trials Lord. 

Let me please find a church that puts you first to pray, worship and sing in nearby or wherever I will be living. Forgive me for my foolish heart. if its your will help me make Dean's list Lord. I already have all the A's. What am I doing FOR YOU? 
In Your Name, Jesus
Amen

2013 - Apr/May
Dear Lord,
Thank you so much for today's interview and also for being able to count on my bf and friends in my weakness. For their unending support and belief in me. Your kindness is undeserved on me. Thank you Father. I am sorry for once again lying and also cheating on my test asking bf a math question. Today has been a extremely humbling and a learning experience. 

Please Lord give me a job that I will LOVE! One that pays me well and what I am worth and allows me the time to be releasing my album for women. I humbly ask for my grandparents salvation and for my brother Michael. Thank you for a place to live, food to eat, and a car to get around that still runs (though terribly lol) I am grateful for not being sick and being able to get to job interviews. 

UPDATE: Lord omg, please show me the right job decision. You have blessed me with my choice and I dont want to make a mistake! You know my heart and what I need. Also, for school I have been chosen to write a paper supporting Evolution. Father, help me to win ears and hearts. I need to write this in such a way that is also refuting it simultaneously and put you in it because I don't believe in evolution in the common sense. I believe in YOU and serve you only. Please comfort my father in any grief (he may have) in Jeannette's death and funeral. 
In Jesus's Name,
Amen

This month I can see I was in college striving for A's, looking for meaningful work and decent pay, leanring what it means to say "the Lord is my shepherd" and how "church" WAS NOT" all I need" to be holy or reach spiritual maturity. 

2014 - Apr/May
Dear Father Amazing Father, 
You are so good! Omg. Thank you for my numbers going up of white blood cells so far! These little fights are back thanks to you! H Pylori knocked me but my immune system is NOT compromised, it CAN BE built up!  Thank you for my healing Lord and for the friends you have put into my life. I am so grateful for friends who pray. I thank you for letting ME pray over that woman with the pancreatis inside the hospital with me last night. May her pain continue to be lessened Lord and she come to know you. The Almighty Healer! The one true God. 

Lord, they mentioned at the hospital in my bleeding and ulcerations that if I kept losing blood and the white blood cells did not do what they should I have to get a blood transfusion to live. I denied it, Father. Is this truly of you? Would this have made you happy? You say in the OT to "not eat the blood of any animal or man" - or take in blood but does blood transfusion qualify as the same? If it is my own blood at stake? Please help me to discern and see the truth of this if it is false Father or not and to know for sure. I was fearful of dying and thankfully Freeman respected my wishes to no transfusion but I also did not want to disobey you. Is/was this correct? Where is this in the Word? I know Jesus came to fulfill the Law Father but by no means abolish it - therefore I assume that law stands. I'm confused on this. 

I cant very well follow one law and disobey others. and yet, I'M SURE i'm often disobeying even without knowing it constantly. Thank you for Jesus and undeserved kindness! I know the truth shall set me free and you will confirm it in due time - like you do. Speak for your servant is listening, that I may write and record the truth. 
In Jesus Holy Name, 
Amen 

This month I was just getting over h. pylori infection and had NO IDEA how much my life would change bitten just 2 months after writing this. I was striving to believe in His promises and just understand the Word. 

2015 - Apr/ May 
Dear Lord, 
Thank you for your love through Freeman. What kindness he surprised me with today after I told him about the Lymph system he surprised me by getting me a trampoline and weights! I see your love for me in those things - because I KNOW, that Freeman is imperfect and cannot love like you do - but yet, if this is the way / how he DOES love me, then yours surely is even more! You, who knew me before I was formed in the womb. 

Praise you for my healing today! Thank you for healing me and making me in this skin like new. Thank you for food in my fridge and my car to drive. For a small job tomorrow and MMS and protocol to take. Thank you for baths at Darcy and Julia's and time to figure out what I am going to do about all this and with my life. Thank you for wisdom not to listen to that 1 cup brown rice voice today and learning how to test the spirits. Thank you for increasing my patience - I see that even a loving voice is NOT necessarily yours. It was my own. I pray to further recognize YOUR voice, your personality/character, your wisdom. 
In Jesus Holy Name, 
Amen

This is the month I was well into 6 months suffering with Lyme and many co-infections (which I now know was M, Bart, Babesia, Mycoplasma, viral etc.) 
My 1st Almond Crunch Protein Bar - and sugar free snack attempts
Music Production Course on Coursera and started my first global Whatsapp study group - 100 ppl

Attending Cleansing Stream retreat and being prayer over 1 Thess: may "my whole spirit, body and soul be preserved blameless for the coming of Christ." When I fail I MUST NOT GIVE UP! No soldier enters bootcamp knowing the course or knowing what to do. They undergo intense training - rigorous fitness regimens. So it is with me. Christ is my commander. I am to submit and walk in the spirit. (staying in Word, fellow shipping with others, prayer, praise, thanksgiving, confessions and special time with Him) 

Et Tu, Chocolate?! Et Tu, Lily?!

First,  I want to heartily scream in the beginning of this post to set the mood of how I am feeling! 

Today I got news that my ELISA and Western Blot were "CDC negative" (most people with clinical obvious Lyme symptoms/Lyme are) but my Dr. says this actually does not mean you don't have Lyme. You do have Lyme. However, Lyme is one bacteria. No insect carries just one infection it carries multiple infections. You also have a host of other co-infections. It's like a fight between you and 5 other guys. Guys you also can't see. (Morgs of which we already secretly know) You have Bartonella, Babesia, Erlichia and likely fungal and viral others we don't yet know about. 

He urged me to not spend anymore money on Lyme tests though. He said you are extremely sick, can't work & all your money needs JUST GO TOWARD getting this treated; ASAP.  Find a LLMD as soon as you can. He said I'm not going to sugar coat it. You need to see this as a long road. You are looking at about 3 YEARS of abx long term treatment. Your liver panel looks good as of now, the thyroid and rheumatoid factor are looking good too, but the Babesia has made my red blood cells fattened. He said "one shouldn't have those high numbers at your age and not being on any kind of medication. You have 4 of the 5 bands and 2 just slightly under 60, 2 way over 80."

He said "you have the most amazing good cholesterol numbers I have ever seen in a patient (I attribute this to an avocado a day since getting sick) and beautiful nerve testing results. Your twitching, muscle and bone pain, numbness and tingling limb problems aren't your "actual" nerves - it's the Lyme and coinfections that you are fighting; which mess with the immune system, organs and move around into nerves and muscles, brain tissues etc. Overtime if you don't get treatment, Lyme will damage and kill the nerves. 

Now for the thing I want to scream about! I have had this for the last year and have had to forgo eating sweets OF ANY KIND, including fruit! Ive been subsisting on almonds and avocado snacks. However, I thought when I found the cinnamon Quest bar and the Lily's Stevia sweetened chocolate that my sad days were over. Then I researched into the ingredients today and saw that it would be foolish to keep eating these! Once again I can add these things to the EXPONENTIALLY GROWING list of foods I CANNOT have.

Let's start with the Quest Bar shall we? Often after only ingesting 1-2 Cinnamon Quest bars or Double Chunk Chocolate (the ones I thought were safer - as the other flavors have sucralose which I can't even go near) I will have pimpling, red rashes, increased all over itching and constipation. 

Today I found out that the sugar alcohol; Erythritol used in these bars is DERIVED FROM GMO CORN - as it is I can't have corn at all since it is GMO, but I have been ingesting a worse form - indigestible. GMO corn. derivative! I was thinking it was safe because it wasn't sucralose or sugar, but its neither sugar nor alcohol, its a corn derived chemical of sorts. 

Why care right? An excerpt from this link below was enough for me to put 2 + 2 together. I am having issues with toxicity, bacteria, and yeasts so WHY ON EARTH would I put a sugar alcohol that is mainly INDIGESTIBLE (aka stays in my already damaged gut/intestines) as food to FEED the very bacteria I am striving so hard TO KILL!? 

"The body’s inability to effectively break down sugar alcohols causes them to arrive for the most part intact when they reach the intestines. At that point, a process called “passive diffusion” takes place whereby the sugar alcohol that was consumed draws water into the bowels. This results in only partial breakdown. The unmetabolized portion begins to rot, creating the perfect environment for undesirable bacteria and pathogens to feed, thrive, and grow.

An imbalanced intestinal environment where pathogens and other undesirable microbes have a favorable place to exist is exactly the set of conditions that eventually compromise the gut lining, damage the critical enterocytes that line the gut wall, and promote the development of autoimmune disease symptoms."

This insanity led me to look at the ingredients of the Lily's bar, another favorite since I quit sugar...Lilys bar, the 1 chocolate bar in the world I thought was safe and could eat. Lily's bars, the only chocolate that did not contain sugar, sucralose or 3+ grams of anything. Lily''s which I thought was sweetened solely by Stevia, but really IS NOT. 

Lily's Dark Chocolate Original--> Ingredients: Unsweetened chocolate, inulin, dextrin (from non-GMO corn), erythritol, cocoa butter, milkfat, soy lecithin, natural flavors, stevia extract, natural vanilla. SHUDDER! Insert my sad, frustrated SCREAM right here. I'm not even gonna go into what "natural flavors" actually is either, lets just say there isnt anything natural about it. 

Erythritol was first up there after unsweetened chocolate and the Stevia was last. Ingredients are listed on labels in the order of QUANTITY. Ugh. The taste is erythritol, not the stevia. Now if it had said erythritol (from non-GMO corn) as it does the emulsifier agent dextrin, that would be one thing, but IT DOESN'T. Which means they ARE in fact using Erythritol from GMO corn sugar. Erythritol is derived from corn sugar which is most often from genetically modified (GMO) corn. It is important to understand that all sugar alcohols are highly refined in order to get them into the state in which they are able to be consumed or added to foods. 

So it isn't even close to being natural. Therefore, goodbye my beloved chocolate, et tu Lily's chocolate! Joining the unhealthy chocolates instead of standing strong for the little guy! 

Ce la vie, I now have to quit these 2 things as well. It will be so hard for me to find substitutes, but I must! I simply cannot begin to shoot myself in the foot in this long hard fight against these microbes trying to kill me. 

A Believer - What is THAT?!

The Lyrical Breakdown Takedown - Fetty Wap - Trap Queen

 What Does it Really Mean? Trap Queen Lyrics

I'm like "hey, what's up, hello"

Seen yo pretty ass soon as you came in that door

I just wanna chill, got a sack for us to roll
Married to the money, introduced her to my stove
Showed her how to whip it, now she remixin' for low
She my trap queen, let her hit the bando
We be countin' up, watch how far them bands go
We just set a goal, talkin' matchin' Lambos
Got 50, 60 grand, 5 100 grams though
Man, I swear I love her how she work the damn pole
Hit the strip club, we be letting bands go
Everybody hating, we just call them fans though
In love with the money, I ain't never letting go

Chorus 

And I get high with my baby
I just left the mall, I'm getting fly with my baby, yeah
And I can ride with my baby
I be in the kitchen cooking pies with my baby, yeah

And I get high with my baby
I just left the mall, I'm getting fly with my baby, yeah
And I can ride with my baby
I be in the kitchen cooking pies with my baby, yeah

I hit the strip with my trap queen 'cause all we know is bands
I just might snatch up a 'Rari and buy my boo a 'Lamb
I might just snatch her necklace, drop a couple on a ring
She ain't want it for nothin' because I got her everything
Bitch you up in the bando, without deniro can't go
Remi boys got extendo, count up hella bands tho
How far can your Benz go?
Fetty Wap I'm living fifty thousand K how I stand tho
If you checking out my pockets hol' u

Chorus

I'm like "hey, what's up, hello"
Seen yo pretty ass soon as you came in that door
I just wanna chill, got a sack for us to roll
Married to the money, introduced her to my stove
Showed her how to whip it, now she remixin' for low
She my trap queen, let her hit the bando
We be countin' up, watch how far them bands go
We just set a goal, talkin' matchin' Lambos
Got 50, 60 grand, 5 100 grams though
Man, I swear I love her how she work the damn pole
Hit the strip club, we be letting bands go
Everybody hating, we just call them fans though
In love with the money, I ain't never letting go

I be smoking dope and you know Backwoods what I roll
Remy Boy, Fetty eating shit up that's fasho
Ill run in ya house, then I'll fuck your ho
'Cause Remy Boyz are nuttin', Re-Re-Remy Boyz are nuttin'

----------

In real life, this is the man who is more interested in your body than in you as a person. 

This is the man who is "not serious about getting into a committed relationship". 

He also does drugs and instead of introducing her/you to family and friends he introduces her to a stove; for cooking drugs. 

Because he refuses to commit to her he is instead "married to the money", a non- person object that serves only to satisfy him. 

This man portrayed is a thief and unfaithful stating to the guys at the end of the song how he will "run up in your shit and fuck (rape) your ho" (rape you say? Is that cool now? Why is rape even acceptable as a joke? Yes, this is describing rape. It's not like the other guy's girl is going to just have sex with him willingly not ever having met him, but with this mindset (and other men do have this mindset) anything (sexually evil) is possible.

In real life, this man being portrayed he has taken her from her comfort, and instead of love and respect he's gonna show her how to cook drugs and worse! get her on the cheap by not even paying her as he's got her "remixing for low"! 

In real life this is likely going to become an abusive relationship pretty quick. Because what if she makes a mistake in cook up? What if she doesn't look so hot, or she gains weight or she just wants to leave? What if she gets bored of just sitting in kitchen cooking up? He is the type of guy married to his money and he is a proud thug, not sentimental- asking her how she feels. He is a bad thug, not understanding and kind who will care or react on how she feels. A self made proud thug married not to you/her, but to his money. Yes, yes this is a "song" you may say - but we DATE guys like this. I believe you deserve better than that, girls. 

Please comment if you know what "the bando" is cuz I'm supa curious. 

The guy in the song is "setting goals" with her but not toward serving society in any way, or helping others as a couple, not having kids, getting jobs or doing anything that would really benefit anyone - they are setting goals (not her, his) for getting matching cars. In real life, this kind of man is extremely selfish and not interested in her / you at all.

The guy in the song goes on to tell you the one thing he loves about you is how you look grinding a pole in front of another group of men. In real life, this is the disrespect and complete misogyny of women and their worth as humans. Guys who appreciate this aren't the marrying type. This isn't sexual freedom.

He doesn't take you out, he takes you to the strip club where he is spending the money you make for him that he doesn't SHARE with you. He says I'm "in love with the money". He ISN'T therefore in love with you. You can't serve two masters. He is clear in what he loves/serves. It isn't you/her/the queen.

Trap "Queen" is an insult to use in the title of the song, but "trapped slave" doesn't sound as appealing.

He proceeds to call the other  a bitch and she too can't go around with him without the funds. Really? In real life Fettys portrayal of the guy in trap queen is not a prize ANY woman should ever clamor for or to try to impress. 

The chorus is how he gets high with you and rides (with) you - and boasting how you cook up drug pies for him.

Don't think this is "just a song". Please. Surely you are smarter than that? A "song" is also a message; one that you repeatedly sing and commit your body to dance to. Songs and "words have power to destroy and to build up." To empower and to depress / bring down. There are sooo many songs (this is just 1) and we as women are so indoctrinated to them. 

The idea is to sell and normalize this view of women on a commercial and subconscious level. You are NOT just a sexual being. That is NOT all you are good for. Stop singing catchy songs that celebrate your denigration in the eyes of men, and subconsciously in your own eyes ladies! 

We women want TRUE love. God teaches us how to recognize and get the wonderful and kind love we deserve. 

Before you doubt God, doubt your doubts. Give an eviction notice to your anxiety, to your unworthiness, and let me introduce you to the one who said you are "worth more than precious jewels"! Who offers freely/says I will "never leave you or forsake you" says he "will care for you" and "hears every cry and prayer of the righteous"

If there is any doubt in your mind that this Fetty song is NOT saying what I interpreted, I invite you to private message me with the quotes from the song. 

There's no home for the living in the land of the dead. AND there is no room for love in a lustful and empty relationship ladies. 

Thank you for your consideration.

There’s one comparison that will definitely NOT lead to a better bargain, job, school, or service: Comparing yourself to others.

Dear Diary,

Ouch! Bam! Like being hit in the head with a 2x4, I just remembered it, as someone coming out of a fog. I've just come to. Ugh. What the hell?

Here I was feeling "less than" and too "old" and depressed because of a stupid ranking and low likes on my Twitter posts. Really?! I'm sure even those on top charts & trending are likely feeling the same on their bad turnout days, lower views or when someone else comes and takes their spot. How sad?! Just shows me today that ANYTHING/ANYONE can take the place of Jesus or your purpose can be shifted at any minute, IF we are not careful! 

Do I really want that feeling for myself? Time for a mental timeout and an honest self reflection. Why am I on Younow or "social" media again anyway?! To do Gods' work. That's it! Nothing else. 

Connecting with others in love, encouraging and strengthen those in the faith. Leading by example. Use my talents for the kingdom. What are those talents?! Do the damn thing for eternal rewards since I can't yet work a "real" job with material and nice temporary rewards. I cannot forget that!!

Ooh oh man that was close!  I almost went down "that road".  I love self awareness. Why did I feel for ONE SECOND I need to change up who I am to fit into the mold of what's "popular" in THE WORLD or popularity AT ALL when worshipping in spirit and truth I'm told to "be not of this world", to "dust my feet off of those "houses" who do not want to hear the gospel", and "best practices" is to "seek after the heavenly things/treasures" instead of those earthly rotting away, here one day & gone the next? 

I set out to do so, but quickly lost my way. I must be careful stepping and walking with purpose as one slipping through the flames of a house burning down! Because that's what these end times are! Guard my eyes and ears. I am not there to fish for compliments or get "likes"! I am not on here to get "followers" or retweets!? 

My "job" is point people to know Christ, how He has saved ME and the gospel that I learned and do my un-damned best to live it out within my ability! 

Saying No to 1 thing each day

Today was important day on my codependent journey toward saying "No" to things. 

Today I said "No" to being pessimistic about my sweetie's success. I had worked on his cover letter and he got an interview. He went on that interview and second call backs  and I drove him & supported him through the process. He interviewed again today and he got a job offer! He came in extremely happy and excited telling me the news. I was not feeling great, and I had some reservations about his start date, but I said "No".

Instead I thought, "I will be happy for him I will not focus on anything negative in this moment!" I will be energetic for him! I will keep this positive momentum going. I urged him we should do a football touchdown dance together.  He reminded me it's our success, not his alone that I wrote the letter that opened the door for him. So I joked I am the opener and he is the closer!  

I noticed in that moment of saying No and choosing excitement instead that there is a natural mechanism in my brain that often doesn't "keep the joy going" it thinks of things that can happen or go ahead dampers my/the spirit. I most importantly said NO to that voice and I'm very, very proud. 

Performing

I used to perform A LOT and write a lot of music. It was a childhood dream to become a music star. I moved and had an injury and then decided I would stop doing music and go to college. Then I decided I would start music again while going to college, then I stopped because there was no momentum and I got sick, then I started again reeled in by the possibility of singing as a business.. you get the picture here?

Anyway, I have recently moved and I recently began thinking and remembering how I used to sing for free and not ever think about how I would survive or support myself.  Now as my slightly older self, I am going to begin singing for money. So far, I have done about 3-4 shows and made around $180. I usually sing 3-4 songs, in my opinion at 3 minutes a song that's not bad pay.

Anyway, I recently had these shows and it was a great experience. Considering that I am still sick with my illness, absolutely anything I can still physically do/with a talent to make money is a plus. If I can get paid for this it would be a blessing!

Here is me singing Gimme Shelter...

Watching an Abusive relationship - (from the outside, finally) - Intro

My roommate Lu and his girlfriend play fights are hard on my psyche. 

She screams, punches him and slaps him and gets him riled up and "play fights" with him (they are both around 30) so that he can inflict pain on her she says "ow" and "stop" and "you hurt me" and "I'm a girl" then gets mad at him accusing him of hurting her badly afterward - this is exactly just like an abuse recreation. She says laughing "now everything hurts" hahaha

She then says "he's tougher, than she thought he was" he says "What? Are you saying I'm weak/that was weak?" Introducing "tougher" actions actually inviting him to rougher treatment (subconciously)

They continue because she actually pushes him as they fight and when he asks "well, do you give up/want it to stop"? She says "No". I believe she doesn't even realize she is subconsciously doing this. He at the end says "This is fun." She says "I'm hurting and I feel dead". "Pain just shows that you are alive." "Pain is only temporary..."

I don't know her, but based on her actions and my own history and knowledge I assume positively that she has been abused & raped at least once in her life because of how little she respects her own body and physical boundaries with him. And her specific relationship style of physical interaction. They are having increased incidences of these "play fights" attached to sexual feelings.. Boy, have I been there.

She is literally setting herself up for future abuse by him and this behavior is desensitizing him (I know his personal history, he's actually already desensitized and he used to abuse my someone I know, as a kid.) 

He is now showing her how to push on bones put pressure, and both say that they don't know if it's causing her pain til he sees her reaction.

She doesn’t know this but is showing her with her dual "reactions" of laughing and crying that she is "ok" with being abused & manhandled at all. He and she have no boundaries. He is behaving improperly. He says "I see you now with bruises all over and then I feel like shit afterward." 

He is feeding into his own already-been-there-done that insecurities & later when actually angry he will revert to his habit of shutting off and isolating. She will then get to feel her familiar & deep seated feelings of being "abandoned/rejected" and "no one caring." I’ve seen the pattern more often than I care to admit. 

She used to be me. Before self care. Before knowledge of abuse. Before building boundaries. Before self esteem. I don’t judge her or him. They don’t know. 

This relationship (1-2 months in) is perfectly dysfunctional but it will have much pain before its end. 

I just talked to her and she says that there is nothing to it like what I'm thinking and that she has no desire to be in an abusive relationship and he is not abusive at all. 

She said it happens because she instigates and both are competitive and that she has let her past go and is a go getter who is looking to move forward and not going to stay anywhere she can be hurt.

You can only lead a horse to water, you can’t make them drink. So I left it at that and really only time will tell for them. I don’t see it working out for them. She says she isn't being hurt and if she believes that then so be it. I accept her and I will not judge her OR him or bring it up again from this point forward. 

Thoughts and Rants - good, bad and ugly

Thoughts and Rants - good, bad and ugly
WSo here comes the month of November to financially bite me in the ASS! I've been cursing ALOT lately. I need to tone down! I lost my client so I'm upset. Bye bye passive income.
My SO is an ongoing issue that I am worried about. I see him trying hard now (for the last 2-3 months) with counseling and working hard for us. I still am unsure if I should marry him, though. I'm going in with eyes wide open. I have none of that "we're so in love we can't think" type of foolishness that tears so many apart a year (or 3) later. I know this man and though we're not in the "crazy" in love phase, I loooove this man. I'm seeing our potential money issues and future arguments topics upfront and center. We've been together for 5 years on nov 12.
Knowing and learning that I will need to work at this relationship even when he won't want to, knowing that I will need to stay with him even when/if I'm no longer attracted or feeling "loved" by him or feeling mad at him for something stupid he did, again. Even if he is no longer attracted to me or if he even dislikes who I become. Because that is what actual commitment is. It’s regardless of the mate. What will I do?!

Recognizing too that I will NEVER be a victim again and that I can always, ALWAYS leave a situation that I don't feel comfortable in. Recognizing that God IS my safety, no matter where I am or what/who I choose. Even if my SO leaves the faith, stops studying the bible, loses his connection with the Father ... turns to worldly angry / violent / lying / cheating ways --that I AM STILL required to continue to obey and love the Father while remaining in safety away from SO's or their sin choices and separated from him should he choose to go his own way.

As of 2015 his good and bad qualities have been listed and noted. Hopefully when I read this in 2025 the same good will be there.

The good:
Things about SO I absolutely love.
He completely values my input and listens to me when I speak.
He is always very positive and hopeful about the future.
He is able to conquer any negative mind talk/thinking hurdles. Amazing!
I admire his perseverance to be optimistic.
He is a smiler with me.
We have the same sense of humor. We dont make fun of people or put them down for laughs.
He is a hopeful person.
He is very helpful to me at times
He thinks I am really great at many many things and tells me so.
He tries his best to make me happy.
He is caring and has supported me in really hard times.
He supports my love of music and my creativity- not w/ money, but is always verbally encouraging.
He wants "a loving family and house of love" as I do.
He is not a womanizer.
He loves God and wants to serve Him, too.
He knows the importance of team and cooperation.
He helps me when I am sick or in need (mostly) as best he can
He also helps others in need
He is great w kids, likes them and they like him.
He understands my sexual hang ups and loves me anyway.
We have fun together.
He is kind genuinely / kind hearted.
He is physically sexy.
He is mostly honest/values honesty.
His intentions are usually honest and good.
He believes in Christ and following the Word/Bible as much as I do.
He supports me wanting to be healthy/working out & mostly encourages me.
He cleans for me & works even when he doesn't want to.
He is slowly learning how to say No to things and people.
He is willing to give up his pride w/ money and just let me handle it for now til he is ready/learns how to manage it.
I wanted him to put the effort and desire he has/he uses for his video games, comics, Pokemon & buying toys into our financial building work, our marriage relationship, planning with me and building a focused us - so I can believe there even is a future for us. --- and HE IS definitely doing that right now.

The bad:
Things about SO that annoy me/make me fearful of our future:
I want him to be silent about his "plans" and just DO THEM.
He can be wishy washy with his "plans" aka over promise & under deliver.
He seems to be inconsistent in  his career choices.
I want him to make a choice already so I can support him and help us.
He often talks BS to ppl or makes himself seem more than he is or more than he has.
He does not have good spatial awareness sometimes. Bumps into me and such saying it's an accident. I dont believe in accidents anymore.
He is clumsy.  THIS IS A violence TRIGGER FOR ME.
He seems financially unreliable and not ready to take care of himself or anyone - I want him to be someone I can really rely on as I age and it looks like he won't be.
He seems lazy about relationship "work" & special holidays to me are not special to him and vice versa.
I want him to want to work for us so I can feel good about working for us too.
He is absolutely terrible/disgusting right now with handling or saving our money. He is a rich boy spendthrift & unwise about money. He can't keep a $100 balance for more than a couple weeks...
I want him to be able to financially afford & emotionally be ready/get married so I can feel safe. I can take the risk I am so scared to take because he keeps scaring me when I think I’m ready to take it.
He stops being romantic and working at the relationship at times.
I want him to cook for me and be more romantic and I feel loved when he does acts of service for me. Gives me long massages, sweet cards, does little kind things for me w/out me asking him. My love language is acts of service/quality time.
He does not seem to express his emotions, does not know how to say No to others sometimes, except to me :(
He was/is into physical/violent things like fighting, UCF, MMA, & violent animes. This is a violence/ past is always going to be TRIGGER FOR ME. 

I need Because who is extremely gentle.

The ugly:
WHY AM I SCARED TO TAKE THE MARRIAGE RISK? All the above/below reasons.

I see who I am today and I love her.

I might get flack for this, but I am amazing and here's why I feel this way and finally KNOW this! I'm truly proud of myself! Today I have had a eye opening day of seeing where I have come from to where I am, (not just physically) and I am a strong ass FIGHTER. 

I AM a survivor who is now learning to thrive. You know who I was? I was an abused child, with a drug/alcohol addict who had no idea how to love, a mother with no self esteem, a "loser" in school, was bullied, raped, and I I was suicidal and homeless by the age of 13. 

I later became a drug addict/alcoholic who dated only abusive people and through all those years I thought all of the bad treatment, the pain, the intense self-hatred, the lack of success in my life I suffered was "normal". I looked back today and it is incredible how much I have struggled and by all accounts should be dead, but I'm not! 

First I got myself off the streets. I quit drugs. Then I quit alcohol. Then I started learning that normal guys don't hurt women or see them as sexual objects, & I stopped dating abusive men. I raised myself to have self esteem and learned what it meant. 

Then I freaking quit smoking! Now I am quitting sugar, successfully. Honestly, it was sooo hard to quit all these things AT FIRST!  It was so hard to come to terms with needing to change, but it CAN be done. Step by baby step at a time! One week turns into two which can turn into months! 

One good choice exercised turns into two and so on! This is our fitness journey as well! And baby steps are, one workout, one meal choice at a time. 

Most people are born at normal and generally, safe. I came from nothing and see today that I have fought my way PAST "normal". I will never be normal. Today I am better. I've gone from a life of fear and danger to safety, from hatred /strife to love, emotional poverty to millionaire status. I'm aware. I'm knowledgeable. 

I've lived through things "normal" girls will never ever understand; and I WON! Hell, I'm superhuman! Now I'm battling this illness and trying to get fit and I will WIN! 

I have you, and we have love. I have changed who I was and my whole life has changed course with the grace of God in it. If I can do it with nothing, so can you! :) 

Let's be FIGHTERS! Let's THRIVE! 

Another one..?!

Destined for the life of solitude and sadness it seems. Dusting off the old blog. I am feeling very very sad and alone now that my SO has left the state.

It seems like now he is just too busy for me even in our planned times together. Looks like there are some really rough times ahead for me. I will at least be able to get it all down and documented over the next 3 months. Here are some links for anyone suffering through this..

http://mic.com/articles/111504/9-important-things-you-learn-after-being-in-a-long-distance-relationship

http://markmanson.net/long-distance-relationships

http://time.com/7195/how-skype-is-sabotaging-your-long-distance-relationship/


http://leighalake.com/if-your-mans-confused-cold-or-distant/

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/21-best-tips-making-long-distance-relationship-work.html

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-reasons-long-distance-relationship-will-work.html