Update and Beginning The New Diet

Hi everyone! I am no longer reluctant. I am moving forward. Let's just take it ONE DAY AT A TIME, shall we? SLOW and STEADY...

It’s been quite some time since I posted. I see there are so many new people! Welcome! I was having a real hard time of it, so scared for so many days, sad and boy it was nightmarish! I am reading past posts and thinking of each of you daily. I hope you are all well this week or better than last at least. Listing some things I have come to see, things I am doing and thinking with this illness in the past month or so..

Message to me, yes me. You are on week 21 of protocol and week 17 of MMS. You did not quit! You are actually really on the protocol with being completely refined sugar/natural -sugar free for about 1- 2 months. Still, YOU GO girl! It seems a small step, but an important one to healing!

so... yeah.. where am I? I am officially on 17 drops and still no herx?! I am not upping the water amount of 8 oz either. It burns tremendously but I have no diarrhea or vomiting or fevers yet! Oddly.

2) Tracking/Symptoms: So my comparisons to those who started protocol a couple weeks ago and have no crawling at all after such a short time are not realistic and I have let that go completely. I am having crawling symptoms still randomly, stinging and burning but now really working even harder on the tightening up the diet to see if I see any crawling changes at all. I have now subscribed to eating the same foods daily. I have run into financial trouble and this really helps with cost cutting as well as knowing what I can add in and what I can’t. For me, the crawling is the most unbearable symptom! I am approaching this illness in the most scientific way I can (like Dr.s do for us). Documenting all (this is just a habit) tracking my meals, my PH (bet 6.5-7.25), body temperature (started out at 94-95.3, now I'm often in 96-97 range!), my digestion (# of BMs daily, color, Bristol type etc), my weight (went from 99 to now 110 lbs) and all related symptoms (light crawling, bites, pimpling, heavy burning, lots of fibers, fatigue etc.). My most prevalent the last 2 weeks are these red and brown “spots” on my skin increasing in number daily (all over my body). These are called liver spots or moles by others. I call them GET THE F OFF ME in Jesus Name – this body is healed! I really don’t know why I am getting so many of these every day…what they are or what it means but I CHOOSE not to get scared and instead CARRY ON with my pills and diet. As Peter mentioned, emotions are a large part of this illness for us, so I begun tracking my EMOTIONS because I have seen for me, that is where my illness is most prevalent and my symptoms get worse. Doing this is great for me, because I used to be a person to shove down my feelings or ignore them. I am working hard on DE-STRESSING in EVERY situation and when I am stressed practicing going directly to God's Word for comfort and also FORGIVENESS.

3) New Food: I am about 50% raw foods right now and greens juicing 2x weekly. My goal for next year is to hopefully be 75% raw! So what the hell am I eating then? Right? I am a Mixed Oxidizer/Balanced metabolism (according to John B.’s link on his page) so thanks to Peter’s documented diet; 8:30 Breakfast I have 2 egg whites w/ spinach OR kale, red onions, red peppers, 1/8-1/4 of an avocado, raw cucumbers, red radishes, w/ 1 tbsp olive oil OR a protein shake w cucumbers in evoo. 10:30 pill is a 1 tsp of coco oil w 1 tsp shredded coconut unsweetened and Rooibos OR Pau D Arco tea. 1:30 Lunch is a very large salad and 1/4 c almonds. This is about 3 cups of greens (kale, spinach, lettuce) with the same veggies of breakfast all raw and adding in zucchini, OR raw broccoli w 2 cloves raw garlic and 1’ raw ginger. (sometimes, 1/4 c quinoa OR 1 slice Ezekiel toast plain, if I can tolerate) My only dressing for anything is Goddess OR EVOO w salt/lemon. (a small version of this salad type is in the pic) 7:30 Dinner is usually the same size salad, same ingredients with 2 new veggies mixed in and a “raw soup” OR a cooked vegetable. OR a raw vegetable, and the salad OR 1-2 oz lean animal protein (3-4 x a week) and raw vegetable (Thank you Peter, Twiggy and Nicole for this advice to get me to this point!) Snacks throughout day are ¼ c nuts and variations of stevia filled protocol cookies, sunbutter w/ salt tbsp, or my newly found raw avocado-lime-stevia desserts. That’s it! If I am still hungry after any meal and it is not a specific snack time, MORE WATER, or a DISTRACTION – not food!! :) FOOD WILL NOT BE MY COMFORT! I RULE YOU STOMACH & MIND, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!

I don’t know about you all, but, I actually HATED these foods before getting sick and even used to make fun of people who ate this way. With the exception of not being able to ever eat sweet potatoes, brown rice, I am basically eating like a body builder does. My "carbs" are just different.

4) Emotional Feedback: This illness IS going away. I can feel it, as can my loved ones who have said so. Thanks to you Mel! <3 <3 John’s amazing protocol and ULTIMATELY ALL GLORY TO GOD who is My true and LOVING Healer. Today, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel for 2017-2018! I have a LOOOOOONNNNNNNG way to go on being even 90% but I am definitely seeing AND FOCUSING on progress even right now. I am NOT GOING BACK TO my OLD diet while waiting for the Lord to bring my healing and even when feeling “better”. I am STRENGTHENING my resolve TOWARD my CURRENT diet instead. Like Nicole and Twiggy say, there is no cheat day for us, this is a lifestyle. This is an illness, like Cancer. It can come back if you “feed” it, just like we did whatever to get to here. Just like Mel says in his awesome conference call, I want to “STAY well” and “not forget I was sick”, so going back to how I ate before will just not be a choice or option for me anymore. 5) Cleaning: Praise God on this! Guess what? Right now I have help from my fiancée and my friends with all the cleaning and washing clothes! I was really scared but I reached out talking to them about how I cant do it all alone and how long it takes etc. They are now helping by taking turns cleaning washing and helping me so that I can have time to be in the Word, lessen my load when I’m feeling weak or need to sleep extra. This is what true Christianity is all about. GOD’S LOVE within GOD’S FAMILY that others can see. That is what I hope to be able to give to others very soon. I also have moved from MMS to washing with KG, Borax and Odoban and I no longer take 2 hours for 1 load!

6) Body: I stopped looking for specks long ago so I am not sure if they are there. I do have an inordinate amount of “lint balls” on my clothing not easily ignored, but not my body. I have lint pieces on my body which I see after showering and usually blue and red strings lately on the tape. A picture of the fibers from me taping my body are below. I saw about 3-4 small specks of glitter recently so I imagine there are more coming out where that came from. And if we're talking detoxing all those metal, I likely have A LOT more months to go on protocol than the average healthy persons 18. I have a full mouth of metal/mercury and have been dying my hair since childhood! When I shower I use a nylon cloth and afterward I apply either nature rich cleanser (air dry) or spray my body with Kleen Gree/MMS (I alternate) letting it dry then oiling up an hour or two later. I randomly every other day also spray my whole head with MMS as well as my shoes.

7) New Habits Forming: This month and last I have been making sure to get at least 8-9 hours of sleep every night. Sometimes a nap in the daytime if I can swing it. Promptly getting in bed before the heavy crawling can start around 10:35-11:00pm! I am working out this month about 3-4 times a week with weights when I have energy. When I don’t its 2-3 x a week and I don’t kill myself, or I just go for a walk or stretch. I am sitting in the sun for at least 10 minutes a day even when I don’t feel well also. Upon the Word of the Lord this week I have taken to guarding my heart and my eyes. It came to me when I was watching Empire (eating a ton of almond butter w cinnamon and not counting the tbsps!)...a vision and real revelation. I can't substitute a healthy alternative in an unhealthy way; that makes it unhealthy. MODERATION! So on Empire, there are these characters- 1 guy is cheating on his wife. Another is scheming to run his father's company out of revenge. Another is a murderer. Another is showing me a greedy woman. Another one is a homosexual. Anyway, what am I doing here? If this were real life none of these people would be inheriting the kingdom I hope to someday be a part of. Harmless viewing though to get my mind off my illness, right? Just passing the time? BUT what exactly is watching or listening to this eliciting from me? Is this not what I am healing from? What am I watching? I realized I have to ask myself -- IS THIS ACTIVITY PROMOTING HEALING FOR ME? And No, it wasn't. I was stressed. It is a drama afterall and basically with spiritual eyes that read the Word its a drama about sinful people. Why would I watch sin or sin being celebrated - if I want to heal my body AND my mind? I noticed that I can't be working toward healing and just think in terms of taking the pills, cleaning the house, laundry and the anti candida/fungal diet.

It is MY LIFE here I'm healing. MY past CHOICES to self harm or just not care to eat bad for me foods. MY WORK environment. MY negative THOUGHT patterns. MY old BEHAVIORS. Men I choose to have IN MY LIFE. THESE are all in line with promotion of healing or not. Therefore, now, I am not engaging in things in terms of media that are negative, that remind me of my past, or are evil in God's eyes. Why would I? I am PROTECTING MY HAPPINESS and therefore, MY HEALING STATE. I hear a little robot somewhere saying "HEALING ON." Keeping the healing ONLINE, as Peter would say. I cannot be "like horse or mule with blinders on" to what the world wants to show me or wants for me to emulate. I am proclaiming Christ and need to live it. I see to get well, and stay well, I will need to be as selective "with my heart, ears and eyes" as I am being with my food. Matt 6:22-23, 2 Cor 6:14-18, Ps 32:8-9.

Love you and praying for all of you for strength, comfort, wisdom and love this week,
Shari

Another day of Diet Protocol.. and realizations of comfort and love

So God willing I will be healed from faithfully pursuing this protocol. There are certain things that increase symptoms and so I really have to keep a certain strict diet to minimize symptoms and spread of this illness. More on that later.

My fiancee is leaving me to go to a funeral in NY. Why do I feel as though he will never come back? Because I have abandonment issues. Because I realized I have an issue of un-forgiveness with men. This sometimes permeates my new healthy relationship in ways I am only now beginning to see. I am about to get married. We are both sick. This illness is bringing up all new things for me. I am learning about myself, my fiancee, and how messed up life can be and how good in all this God still is. I hate this situation so much right now, though slowly but surely I am getting through it. The help of God, my friends, my online "support group", and praise music. I find I can no longer listen to secular music with abandon. Where is the HOPE and the LOVE in those songs? They are all about sex and lust, calling it "love" but it is not actual love. They are songs about cheating, getting over, making money, how being bad is being good, and just illicit entitlement, mistrust, depression, selfishness, and do NOT support healing and peace. These are all things I just no longer subscribe to or really want the influence of in my life. Goodness, true love, trust, honesty, compassion that's what I need more of. It seems its all that's there in the Word of God, and meh, it really helps me right now.

The cleaning routine feels grueling, the body environment changes are sci-fi scary and yet I am alive and still fighting back against this thing. Yesterday my gf told me I am strong and have always been strong. What? Really? This was so hard for me to believe, as I have felt weak for much of my life. At the health food store two strangers came up to me and said I was beautiful and had great artistic style. What?! I have lost my clothes. I have lost/am losing my looks. I am tired and aging prematurely. I was shocked. How could they possibly think this or see that? My realization is 'Wow, it is clear that the way I see myself does not match at all how others see me." I actually came to a lot of realizations the last couple days.

I cannot any longer continue in my pattern of putting myself and my health last - this is where I am now. I MUST care for my body, my home and my life whatever of it that I have left. I really have put food in the past, above God and also turned to sweets for comfort instead of God. I realized too we are taught these kind of things in early childhood. Though my parents may have thought they'd done their best, they had absolutely no training or idea how to raise me (they were younger) but however they themselves had been raised and their own messages of what love is/discipline looks like. I see that now. Throughout much of my childhood times I was hurt by them physically, emotionally and mentally. During these times a sweet would come into the picture. Mentally (as inner voices) strong messages were sent to me. Aww, you're hurting? I hit you because your bad/stupid/ugly/frustrating me, etc. You deserve it. Here have a cookie and go in the other room. Aww, you fell down? Too bad. Get up. Here is a lollipop. year after year, hurt after hurt etc. You need to talk about something serious? I don't have time for you. I would make some food, listen to music or write/pretend instead.

In retrospect, God showed me these kind of early life experiences sent me the childhood messages and beliefs that I have SILENTLY lived by up to now (whether they intended this or not)
1st message (variations) was your pain does not matter/does not exist/is not important. The 2nd was when you are in pain, eat something sweet. Actions speak louder than words, we always hear that, right? The actions sounded a lot like "you don't deserve real comfort, and no one will comfort you so get your comfort from somewhere else." We do NEED comforting. ALL of us. It IS comforting to eat something sweet, even science will tell us that, but it is not LOVE. It is not VALIDATION. It is not UNDERSTANDING and EMPATHY. It is not GENTLE TOUCH. These things are what make a person / a child, whole. I see that now. Sugar/Food did not offer me that. It offered me a substitute. I lived off that substitute, much of my life, indirectly seeking comfort. Believing I could never have the real thing, so I did not need it. I don't even know when I need comfort and I sure as shit dont know how to ask for it. I was see now that I was also taught not to ask for help, because when I needed it I would not get it, or be believed, or justified. Instead, I learned to react a different way to my times of sadness or pain.

Now however, there is really NO substitute left. I CANNOT have my "comfort" foods, my sugary goodness, my work (though abusive many times still gave me fulfillment and a way to have efficacy/self respect), cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, lovers. I realized these were all things that served to destroy my immunity and my body - this illness does not give me the liberty to mess with myself internally anymore or push any "bad" feelings down. Bad food, stress, bad habits, leads to symptoms RIGHT AWAY! :'(

Another realization as Free has left is that this lack of recognition of my pain (from caregivers) and my own self-preserving formed habits to those actions, also directly (albeit unknowingly) led me to be attracted to and attract people who also were pushing down their own pain as well as would not ever be able to recognize mine. Hence I had many abusive relationships, unhealthy, unsafe relationships with others who were also living out and living in a kind of denial of their own with the same above things. The cycle was that neither of us could ever actually comfort each other in any meaningful way.

Prior to knowing God (and reading the Word/Proverbs) I can honestly say I did not know what true love was. What being a "good person" really meant in practice or that I was lovable, deserving, precious, appreciated and ALREADY GOOD ENOUGH.

As an adult too, if I felt bad, I would eat or do something else to feel "better". Looking back my diet was a diet of mostly sugary sweet things, dairy, processed and refined carbohydrates, fast food and very little water. My early life's usual suspects were macaroni and cheese, Taco Bell, ANY kind of cake, candy, cookie or chip, milk, coffee, ANY kind of bread or pasta with some sauce. These were favorite foods of mine. I began to have illnesses and other things wrong with me, but I did not look at sugar or my refined carbs as the culprit at all, neither did my Dr.s who were happy to prescribe pills instead of diet change. I did do the "increase fiber" trend by beginning to eat more vegetables with these foods in the last few years before getting this. Clearly that was not enough for this poor body. Not to mention all the cigarettes and alcohol I put in for my systems and liver to sort out (my main detox organ).

My diet now is no grains, no dairy, no sugar, NO REFINED SUGAR AT ALL (not even natural sugars in the smallest quantities yet) for 18-24 months. As my body is toxic I am trying to add more foods that are more alkaline. How ironic and yet, what a blessing, right? Who knows what my future held if I kept on the way I was? I was on my way to death even though I did not know it. I got this and though He didnt give it to me, he is USING it to open my eyes to so many things.

My diet now due to this illness is very hard for me. In my struggle to not just live, but live well, am even eating things I have always hated due to my upbringing. Before now I could never eat onions or peppers. I now MUST eat them (raw) as they do certain things to my body to help my pills do their thing in building up my immune system.

Last night I was wrecked by seeing 6 new pimple 'bites' crop up on my skin BEFORE my EYES. It's one thing to know something has cropped up on your skin over night or is there but it is quite another to have been looking at clear skin one minute, while looking at your skin and then see "activity"! I must get rid of this illness. I continue to pray and ask for prayers for healing. I cannot function like this. I am fearful. People say those who have this are "delusional". Yeah, I guess I have become pretty crazy having seen the things I have seen and felt what I am feeling. However, after years of being in denial, I am NO LONGER ignoring my feelings. I am no longer ignoring my needs. In coming to that place of self actualization, I am NOT ignoring what I see and my body FEELS, either.

I CANNOT afford to do that. I will die. Just like using the food/sugar/sweets to mask my mental, physical, emotional pain 'symptoms" -- it is similar. But I have changed. I don't want a pharma "pill" to push away "symptoms" of pain/discomfort as I was taught in childhood. I want a real lasting solution to the problem - not just the symptoms. I want to HEAL. I now want and I have found out that I deserve the true LOVE and true COMFORT.

My diet this week was:
12/27 ----began Parabolish while doing http://logosnutritionals.com/products/vitaminsupplements/vitaminsupplementswellnessprotocol/

12/28
L: 2 eggs, 1/2 handful spinach, mixed greens salad w/ cucumber, 8 oz Protein shake, 8 oz Lemon water w stevia
D: eggs w spinach, 1 pc Chicken breast, Green beans, 4 oz lemon water, 1 tsp coconut manna w shredded coconut shreds
S: 2 tbsp mixed nuts

Symptoms: daytime redness and lint on skin after shower spraying w MMS. Light crawling arms, belly, feet during day. Heavier crawling feet at night.

12/29
B: none (woke late at 10am) =(
L: 3:30p - 2 C mixed salad greens w broccoli, cauliflower and cucumbers, Goddess dressing, 1 egg w garlic sauce, 8 oz protein shake, 1 celery stalk w almond butter
S1: 5:30p 16 oz lemon water w stevia, 3 tbsp almond butter, 3 brown rice cakes, 14 Blk bean Beanitos chips (1 serving), 1/2 avocado w pinch salt,
16 oz lemon water w stevia
D: 7:30 p- 1/4 C cauliflower, 2 breasts Chicken, 2 brown rice Vans waffles-3g sugar, 5 oz water
S2: 8:30p -1 dark choc nuts /sea salt KIND bar -5g :(, 1 Brown rice cake, 1 tsp Almond butter, 3 oz Coconut milk

Symptoms: 3 BMs today. Type 3 and couple 2's. more water, more fiber! Some later night floaters (lower fat intake for tomo) feeling freezing cold most of day. Hard burning stings on belly, legs throughout the day. Redness/burning on belly after lying down on the floor. 2 new bites on neck and behind the ear.

12/30-
B: 16 oz water
1 1/2 C Mixed Greens w/ radishes salad w evoo, salt, lemon dressing, 1/2 tuna fish
8 oz Protein shake
L: 4 oz butternut squash soup w garlic sauce, 2 C Mixed greens w cucumber, broccoli and goddess dressing.
1 slice ezekiel bread sprouted w gmo/soy free butter, 16 oz key lime water w stevia
S1: 4 nutjustacookie sugar free - Almond
D: 2 oz chicken w garlic basil, Cauliflower (evoo, salt, lemon), 1/2 Avocado (evoo, sea salt, lemon)

Symptoms: 2 BMs today. Type 2 in am, type 3 in pm. BTemp 96.6 at 7pm. Stomach ache after ingesting increased MMS, sprayed entire body w MMS then slept well.

12/31 --(15 drops MMS begin)
16 oz water
B: 2 eggs, spinach w garlic, 8 oz greens drink (celery, spinach, parsley)
L: 2 celery stalks, 1/2 cucumber, and 2 radish w 2 tbsp protocol ranch, 1/2 c cauliflower rice w evoo, lemon, s+p, 1 rice cake, 2 tsp cashew butter, 4
S: 4 nutjustacookie (pistachio) w rooibos tea - (3=0g sugar), 1/4 slice ginger cashew KIND bar 1.5 g sugar
D:1 egg w green beans, broc, kale, 3 C mixed greens salad w zucchini, broccoli florets and evoo dressing, 1 waffle

Symptoms: 2-3 BMs. Type 2. :( PH at 1p =6.5. BTemp at 6:30p was 96.1. Feeling cold again most of the day. Light-med crawling. Stings under my clothes. Steady @99 lbs; that is 1 blessing! Stinging/Burning today after 4 pm. Had to take a Melatonin 3mg to even sleep thru stings/burning.

1/1 (full moon symptoms - begin MMS split dose)
B: 16.9 oz water, 1 egg w spinach, 8 oz acv water, 1/2 avocado w salt
S: 6 oz rooibos tea
L: 4 oz protein shake, 1 celery stick w almond butter, 3 C Mixed greens salad w peppers, cucumber, light onion, avocado, zucchini, cauliflower and goddess dressing, Coconut oil tbsp w shredded coconut flakes +coco manna, 4 oz Greens detox drink
S1: waffle w cashew butter
D: 2 C cauliflower rice, Mixed greens lunch l/overs, 2 Pastrami pcs

Symptoms: 9:30 AM: BM Type 3- dk brown; BTemp=96.6, PH 6.0. BT =95.7. BT 2:15a = 97.1. Little less crawling today. Some hard stinging and burning.

1/2/14
B: egg, cucumbers, avocado slice, evoo, salt. 4 oz protein shake
D: waffle w 1 tsp org cashew butter, cauliflower rice w coco aminos, himalayan salt, 1 oz shredded chkn, 1 oz beef, mixed greens salad w zucchini, cauliflower, broccoli, evoo, 1/2 c Green beans w 1 tbsp raw garlic
S: 20 oz Lemon water, 3 tsp coco oil, shredded coconut& coco manna w stevia

Symptoms: 2 BMs Type 2-3 green/dk brown;. Less daytime crawling-stinging burning during day. Crawling, stinging and burning at night after 10.

1/3
B, L, D >> fasted w water and 1 lemon detox tea only til 12 am.
Note: missed all pills today also. Did NOT miss Bedtime regimen or MMS dose. Stayed in bed most of the day. How do I take food related pills when I am fasting?

1/4 (woke late again) =(
B: 11am- 2 hb eggs, 8 oz protein shake, 1/3 c almonds
L: 6pm- Jack in the box - 1 turkey burger, 1 hamburger plain (no bun, no cheese, no condiments, no fast food "vegetables" of their lettuce or tomato)
D: 8:45pm- 3 C mixed greens w tuna, and evoo lemon dressing, 1/2 c green beans, lemon water w stevia
S: 12:45a -- 3 tbsp almond butter, 1/2 c coconut manna, 1 waffle, 2 tbsp almonds & mixed nuts

Symptoms: No more PH strips to test urine. =( No money to get basic protocol necessities this week. No BM today. Light crawling. Bites on back and chest. Energy was ok today at least.

1/5/14 (day 7 Parabolish)
B: 2 eggs, salsa, avocado slices, evoo, salt&p, garlic, 8 oz protein shake
S: 16 oz lemon water w stevia, Blk bean soup, 1/3 c almonds
L: missed =(
D: 3 c salad- lettuce, spinach, cucumber, lemon juice, zucchini n squash slices, Blk and grn olives, slice avocado, 1 slices red onion, 1 sm slice green pepper, Greens drink (celery, kale, garlic, spinach, parsley) 4 oz protein shake w 1 tsp flaxseed, Tsp Coconut oil, 8 oz water

Symptoms: 2 BMS in am. Brownish, type 4s. Light crawling throughout day. Burning stinging skin. Energy was ok. 1 bite/pimple on back in the am. Saw small spider and pincer bug today in house. Ugh :( Am I attracting these bugs as they see my skin as dead plant matter? Must step up the KG spray. Missed many pill times and meal times today/this week. Very disappointed w/ myself! Must get back on the schedule!! Proud that I did not have sugar today!

As Peter advised, looking for the blessings and a positive today.

Getting Well and Keeping Positive Challenge Accepted

I am feeling angry tonight. This is the place where I can say anything I want, write anything I want and let the crazy out so that is exactly what I am going to do. I am extremely angry that I have this illness.

I have been hungry all day long - these parasites or bacteria, fungus whatever the heck I have has had me eating all day. I am angry that I gave in to a sugar craving. Isn't the reason I am taking candida rid to get rid of these cravings? I am supposed to do well and better over time and I am not sure I am. Something is crawling around on my thighs under my clothes right now.. I fucking hate this feeling so much!

I cant stand this overwhelming mental anguish. I think it is fully worse than the symptoms (brain fog, bites, crawling, red cuts burning, red rashes, fatigue) though they are terrible as well. I would not wish this disease on my worst enemy. I am trying to find ways of destressing and staying positive but I have been upset more than once today.

Then there is the enemy who takes advantage of me and my feelings behaviors.. he WANTS to see me fail. He wants to DESTROY my faith and happiness. He wants to put me in DESPAIR. He must be combated with the Word of God. I WILL be healed. In Jesus Name I claim the healing that God himself promised me! I will cling to my faith that I will be healed and I will try again tomorrow on the strict diet that this illness requires. I may have failed today, but I do not have to fail tomorrow as well. I CAN TRY AGAIN.

I may be suffering now but this is momentary troubles. I may be down, but I am not crushed.

2 Corinthians 4:8-12
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.'

Despite my own self, accepting Christ who IS MY LORD, LIFE is at work in me!

My dis-ease and plans for the New Year

Dusting off the ol blog. Chip off the keyboard and blowing away the spiderwebs. Hello again, Bloggie! I am writing in here because I believe this will be a year where I may need to "let the crazy out" somewhere, other than to friends and family.

I have contracted a strange illness and this will be my journey going through it. No horror stories, hopefully just posts of growing faith, some confusion, detoxing and good food.

With that here is my Decembers 2nd to last posting. Happy holidays to you! I feel extremely ill this week. I am at 9 weeks on MMS and I am at 13 drops per MMS protocol. My stomach pain is intense again tonight! I feel like I have hardcore cramps. Had a fever this week and intense nausea. Anyone else feel this?!

The last two weeks have been a challenge and eye opening to how I think sometimes, how I need more of God and how much my past has really affected the way I believe life to be. The way I believe life will be. My life has been very hard and so my perspective on life has many times become that life is hard. This is not necessarily true. This is also definitely not the best perspective to have for healing right now. This mindset needs to change! I see my very real need to be going after the ‘renewing of my mind’ to Christ’s promises and God's possibilities instead of my limited view of "what is", "what has been".

God has literally been with me the entire way this week. I must be getting even closer to Him because today I was singing to Him and praising in the shower as I was simultaneously having strange images of (oddly) being in a kind of concentration camp flashing through my mind.

The amount of “lint” on my body from the week before last was disconcerting. What is NOT comforting is that we do likely have this stuff coming out of us onto the clothes, into the washer and also out of the dryer. From what I read from other warriors is that the symptoms of getting to wellness, seem to be exactly the same as the symptoms of contracting this. Itching, intense crawling, and the “bites” or bumps. I am freaked out by the lint situation, buuut, for some reason we went PI and have looked into it; secretly spying on the others clothing in the same dryers, (everyone uses the same 6 washers and dryers) and I cleaned all the buildings dryers with KG and have seen that everyone’s clothes come out with lots of lint - it was not just ours. That was extremely comforting! There is also a linty & non linty dryer, We're now using the non linty dryer and it's much better.

I am most definitely looking into the changing of my typical Western diet. I am trying to create candida free recipes and tweak where I need to so that I can really like some of the food. (I have been eating clean on and off for the last 2-3 years) it seems going back to mostly raw that has been hard, but not impossible. I am even attempting to find ways to eat 3 veggies I always hated-peppers, onions, and eggplant. They have a place in this diet and I need to open up to them! I am on labels like a hound and have memorized the looks of all the names of hidden sugars/GMOs! I cut out the nut cookies, organic tomatoes, vegan desserts and also the blueberries and grapefruit for the time being and will continue to tweak as these were contributing to me being acidic which increases crawling sensations.

SUGAR ADDICT STATUS: So far I am still refined sugar free and I believe I am at least 3 days or so with being strictly even protocol sugar free-all the Praise to God! I literally ran out of my extension kit and had to just rely on diet for 4 days; no Candida Rid; there was 1 day there that I just ate sooo much coconut manna (coconut puree) and almond butter; it was very frustrating for me! This week I am shooting once again for no sugars or only having the "sugars allowed" on protocol. I believe they are natural vegetable sugars, (excluding the ones in the GIycemic article), Stevia, Xylitol, and natural nut sugars (except mold/fungus nuts - peanuts, etc). Spending roughly $80-$100 a week so far in food =/ but it would be higher medical bills I am sure.

Its looking like when we remove what we used to sedate ourselves (my sugars, popcorns and processed foods), all the emotions that I was trying to shove down with food are coming to the surface now. They're here and they are not going away. I turned to food for comfort, not God. Now I need to learn how to get comfort from God while knowing when I even need comfort! Instead of looking in the fridge for where my food comes from. It doesn't come from the fridge and neither does my comfort. This is a lie from the pit of hell that my body has been believing. Yes I buy the food from the store and put it in there but it DOES NOT come from there. I go to the fridge when I'm hungry looking for food AND when I have these emotions. There right in your face, vying for your attention HELLO! Here I am!. Sadness, Frustration, Despair, Confusion, Impulsiveness, Anger, FEAR. And I have a choice to make: stuff these down with a bag of "paleo protocol" chips, 3 handfuls of almonds and a box of grain free/sugar free cookies OR allow the emotion to move up, out and through me, no matter how uncomfortable that may feel. AND it does feel uncomfortable. VERY uncomfortable. The crawling comes and it's a constant reminder that I am messing up with the food. The nausea comes as a reminder. Your comfort IS NOT HERE, God said in a very low voice. Little by little though I feel I AM getting there. I WILL be able to claim being healed and I WILL overcome this food/addiction. It's more than just figuring out what I am going to be able to eat at/through the movies this Wednesday. Today it's more like I am questioning exactly what am I eating during the movie, FOR?

MOVING/MARRIAGE: Looks like my SO after seeing me sick for the last couple days does not think it is a good idea for us to move across country after all. He wants to keep me as stable as possible. He does not want to put added stress on me and the last 3 days I could hardly get up to feed myself much less pack and such. He has been very sweet taking care of me. Our marriage date is being held off as well then while we raise money to even get married, be able to move in somewhere together and so that I can have a RING and a DRESS. Even I wonder well, Why? Why do I feel I need these things? In God's scheme of things, of His love, the consistent continuing love that he wants us to have for each other, to respect each other, to give to one another and submit to one another under Him - seeking first His kingdom. Where are these material things even a part of that? They are not. Why then are they important to me?

Sure, when I was a little girl I had dreams of a marriage, my wedding (as all little girls probably do) but, from the movies. I never had my own original desire to even get married or even pictured myself doing so because it seemed like such a mistake from what I could see with my own divorced parents and abusive lifestyle. However, now I find, I just dont want to get married right away. I do not want to rush it because we are sick and yet we don't want to keep sleeping separately and not live together.. but that's a terrible reason to rush a ceremony. We talked about it and it all just feels wrong. Freeman WANTS to give me the ring and WANTS me to be able to wear the dress I want to wear, but I don't want to feel crawling in our wedding clothes. We've decided to wait. We don't want Morgellons to be part of our wedding memories or rushing it just because of our situation. We always said we were not planning the wedding because we were planning instead for the actual marriage. We have been working on our marriage way before the wedding plans came into effect, BUT its not planned. No, the "wedding" is NOT PLANNED. That's bad right? The irony is now I want it to be planned before rushing ahead. Yet, I'm tired. I have no energy to plan. We have zero money to do it the way we would both even want to. I have no energy to do it at all as I once did and would have taken on all aspects. His youthful energy (and low symptoms) is spent on working many hours so that I can have a place to live while he stays nights over at our friends house since we want to honor God before this marriage and do not sleep in the same place or fool around with one another.

Anyway, it's a strange week for me indeed. This has turned into a feelings rant, but I believe God will be with me and give me clarity.

How to Make Friends

Making friends as adults can be hard, since you may feel like everyone is too busy or people already have their sets of pals. When I moved to New York after college, I felt the exact same way. I'd walk by groups of female friends at restaurants and really wish I could join them. I felt really lonely.

Just Ask 'Em.
But then I realized: People really want to hang out. Even if they're busy, almost everyone LOVES being invited to dinners, movies, parties, whatever. (Don't you? We all do!) So they'll probably be very happy that you asked. If there is a girl you like, even if you feel nervous, just ask her to hang out. Say that you're going to see Rachel Getting Married on Sunday and ask if she wants to come along. (Picking an actual event and day is much easier than saying "we should hang out sometime" and then having it never happen.) Chances are that she will say yes--or, if she's busy, she'll suggest something later on. (Brunches are always a fun, casual activity to suggest, too. Who doesn't love pancakes?) But seriously, just do it! You'll be so glad later.

A tip for Daynya: If you feel weird about "hitting on" your yoga classmates, instead of asking them for a movie or dinner, ask them if they want to try yoga with you at a different studio, or if they want to join you for a walk in a park to stretch your legs, or if they want to go shopping for yoga gear. That way, it will seem like less of a departure from what you already do together. (Not that it would matter either way, but it might make you feel more comfortable.)

Choose Recurring Activities (Think: Project Runway).
Seeing people for a recurring activity is a great way to establish a real friendship (versus going on "dinner dates," where you just catch up on your lives, you know?) I've found that the BEST way to make new friends is to set up an event where you see them every week. The easiest way? TV! You can invite a few people over for Project Runway every week, or Top Chef, or whatever show you like. I've been watching Project Runway with the same people for the last three seasons and now we're fast friends (we barely knew each other at the beginning). By watching a TV show together, you see each other regularly, will have something entertaining to do together and will get to know each other better and better. Plus, you can chat more during reality shows (versus dramas) and place bets on who will win.

Take a Class (Especially Knitting).
Say you don't really meet any women day to day. Then sign up for a recurring class or a group. It may sound cheesy, but I've done this before and it really works: You can sign up for a series of cooking classes, a runner's group, a volunteering club or a swing dancing course. Knitting classes can be especially great since they're usually mostly women and have a very communal vibe. Classes are everywhere! Lots of them aren't too expensive. Then you will a) have something in common with these women, b) be in a fun group atmosphere, c) see them regularly for as long as the classes continue and d) be around people who are getting out there and probably want to make friends, too.

And, please, give your thoughts and ideas, too, my dears! How have you made female friends in the past? Do you wish you had more? Let us know what you think! xo

P.S. I would love to be friends with you all.



Read More http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2008/10/readers-dilemma-i-dont-have-an.html#ixzz1JQwsta49

My Past - confessions of a Limelight dancer

This made me smile. These faces are as familiar as my own. Shit man.. what a life I lived.

History Channel's The Bible - Sex, Lies and Violence Videotape

I normally don't care about stuff like this, but I got a verse in my head and it will not leave. I take this as a sign. So here I am writing in you once more bloggie.

I must begin this with a verse..because the Word is strong. 3 As He was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to Him privately, saying, “Tell us, when will these things happen, and what will be the sign of Your coming, and of the end of the age?” 4 And Jesus answered and said to them, “See to it that no one misleads you. 5 “For many will come in My name, saying, ‘I am the Christ,’ and will mislead many.

9“Then they will deliver you to tribulation, and will kill you, and you will be hated by all nations because of My name. 10“At that time many will fall away and will betray one another and hate one another. 11“Many false prophets will arise and will mislead many. 12“Because lawlessness is increased, most people’s love will grow cold.13“But the one who endures to the end, he will be saved.14“This gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all the nations, and then the end will come. Matt 24

"For false Christs and false prophets will arise and will show great signs and wonders, so as to mislead, if possible, even the elect. Matt 24:24

"But there were also false prophets among the people, even as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Lord who bought them, and bring on themselves swift destruction. And many will follow their destructive ways, because of whom the way of truth will be blasphemed. By covetousness they will exploit you with deceptive words; for a long time their judgment has not been idle, and their destruction does not slumber. 2 Peter 2:1-3
------------------------
The stories of the Bible meant to give hope, build character and teach us laws which prepare us for eternity, has recently become entertainment fodder for TV.

On the positive side, it has given a really nice look at the scenery of bible times, it has given us "visuals" and "voice" of what we as unbelievers, baby Christians (myself included) probably thought of the stories and God initially before we began to truly read, learn and LIVE the Word, accept Jesus and believe in God. It is very well done and gorgeously high budget imaging we had not yet seen before in this subject matter and yet have come to expect of any media. It has great acting, fantastic costuming and for these reasons alone I am not surprised it has become a top show watched on TV, though this brings up another rant I have about why/how and irony of a show (songs, clothing, books and freaking everything else, ugh) having to do with religion is SOOO popular. Like it or lump it, screw me. These are the times we live in.

On the negative side, how cleverly and beautifully cunning. Instead of the true story about God reconciling us to Himself, attempting over and over and over and over to love us while we generation after generation spit in his face, follow other "gods", and break his laws. Instead of being about ultimately, lovingly offering his own son as a sacrifice and that son holding out his hand offering to ALL and for FREE undeserved eternal life. The Bible (if you choose to believe and lol, "receive" this version) has become a sexy, gory, violence and vengeance filled story with supernatural beings. This is a story depicting the side of humans, behaving in their human ways, not God or His Ways. It's drama. The Bible has these things as well, do not mistake that! However to a lesser degree and reasoning and even wording different than what is shown in these 20 minute sound-bytes & snippets. When does the video game get released? I am half kidding.

Initially I was happy to see it rips off the actual "stories" of the Bible, and some generational persons, but then (through discernment?) I could see the History Channel's The Bible shows its true colors in what it omits, twists and completely is lacking in. It omits important facts, it twists the stories, and is almost completely lacking the actual words used in the Bible.

For anyone on the attack, I say "almost" because there are the token "quotes" which push along the story line and agenda. The actual (not the show) Bible could easily be quoted (there are a LOT of dialogue) and make the job of writers quite simple, but there is a conscious choice NOT to do so. Why? The Word is a sword used to save and rebuke. That is the main reason I believe it is sparsely used in the show.

The true wisdom of each of the stories is omitted - where only the skimmed surface (as a non-believer can do) remains and points made from the surface, probably as to not alienate the many types (non-believing, believing and other religion watchers) of History Channel viewers. That's media for you.

Episode by episode I have gone through the History Channels Bible and seen glaring lies that, though some would say are "small" still serve (serve who?) to paint a very different story of the Bible.

But, as the History Channel, show producers, statistics show, and anyone with a half a brain about media and attention spans knows, very few of the population actually READ their own Bible, even fewer will revert to it for the FACTS, or know what the Bible itself actually says. Those small few will probably see the facts they know and read to be distorted but not be enough of an amount to make "an impact" on overall viewing or sales.

This post is not for the many, it is for a very few. I shall uncover the truth. Everyone else, you can go elsewhere from this point on as you will undoubtedly not like what you read.

Shall we start with the story of Abram/Abraham?

the biggest room in the world is the room for improvement

I think I am going to go do something I have never thought to do and I am totally afraid of. I used to perform..and then..something happened...I lost faith in myself and i lost my love for music from the music business but this isn't about the music business anymore, this is me..the new me, I don't need music to speak to people. I've changed and much of it has been through God.

Um, yeah. So tonight I am performing live stand up comedy on a open mic stage. For the first time in my life, I am totally nervous and I don't know what to expect at all. I'm not funny, and have no experience or knowledge of this. I have to get over myself though. I have to move past these confidence fears I have, and what better way than to do something I am totally afraid of even thinking about or think I could NEVER do? I don't know what I love and I'm looking for my passion - then maybe it's time to do some things that I've never considered doing, it doesn't have to be comedy - its just a way to really stretch and see what I am capable of!

Resistance is caused by fear. How will I ever change and grow and improve if I don't get over my resistances? This week it is stand up comedy, joining a choir and helping men who are abusive. I am going to transcend, breaking free from self-imposed barriers. These new experiences are welcome, because then we know that we can always adapt and be as vibrant as we determine - I'm an adult now, "adults" many times are set in their ways, and fears not always open to possibilities. I want to be a diff adult. I am reminded about Paul in the Bible encouraging us to throw off things that hinder and run the race with confidence.

No matter what happens, it will be good as it's nonetheless a learning experience for me. God loves me and He is always looking out for me. I mean look at me. Look at me! People always tell me they are inspired by me, I now realize they are inspired by me for a reason. I am amazing because I do what I say I am going to do. If I was ever happy, I would never have achieved any of the things I have or worked for. I have more of a reason now to do music than I ever have.

What a difference in Family

East Coast

Your Family Is 79% Dysfunctional

Your family definitely has some major problems, and they're still effecting you today. It's time for you to step back, reassess, and decide what kind of role your family should have in your life. The people around you can be toxic, and there's no reason to let your family bring you down. Consider getting some therapy or talking the situation over with a good friend. And spend more time around people who truly care for you!

Is Your Family Dysfunctional?

West Coast

Your Family Is 30% Dysfunctional

Your family isn't perfect, but everyone's pretty good at working things out. There's probably been a bit of family drama in your past... and who's to say it's over? As long as your family communicates openly and respects one another everything should be fine. Everyone in your family does love one another. They just may not be so good at showing it.

Is Your Family Dysfunctional?

My Favorite Book

Day 3 or is it 4?? Anyway, so today my posting is that I am thinking of a favorite book. I actually have many favorites and books I enjoy. I am an avid reader and like many kinds of book. Fantasy, Research articles, Health, Sci-Fi, Crime, Biographies, and Self Help.

However, the one book that trumps them all for me lately in the last 4 years is The Bible. The book is an amazing guide for my life, my decisions and my choices as well as how to love.

Others may disagree and that is fine, but that is my all -time favorite because of the timeless and endless wisdom it holds inside.



What's yours?

My favorite TV Show

So this one is pretty easy cuz there is not much that comes close to it in my mind.
Law and Order: SVU -- Special Victims Unit.

I freaking love that show. Great acting, great characters, amazing stories and just over all awesomeness!!

What about you?

My favorite movie

So I failed at blogging the VERY NEXT day, however, I am back and here is Day "2"
my favorite movie is American Pop by Ralph Bakshi. I have many but this one has very special meaning to my life and my musical family as I see them.

Not to mention it is a first in early animations and has a killer soundtrack of the ages!



Awesome scene with Frankie..

My Favorite Song

Day One – 30 Day Meme - Also AN EXCERCISE IN CONSISTENCY..LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CAN SHE DO IT?

Day 1 – your favorite song
Honestly, this changes all the time. But right now one of them is, Shari Moreno's "Fine for Riding" (below) and Taylor Swift - "Trouble"

http://youtu.be/9_q1pmi_984

Needs for '13

My fiance got me a wonderful journal gift for Christmas and these 2 gorgeous jackets. one of which I will wear tonight for New Years Eve. I am getting a late start of the evening. I dont care though.
Needs for '13
In order to stay on the happy side of healthy and sane.
These look a lot like needs for 09, I don't know if I am regressing or what but.. here they are so far:
Finish at least my freaking AA
Career that is meaningful
Be more healthy
Be more positive
Trust in God more
closer Supportive relationships
more creativity in my life
To serve God through my talents I enjoy (whatever they are)
A car
Be consistent and reliable to myself
Be in a safe and loving healthy relationship
Get paid

Some New Insights_2013 Musings

Personality Test 1 Results and Some New Insights

Striving to Be Knowledgeable Your Score: 10
You are an intellectual: As a leader, you’re often ahead of your time. As an employee, you try to surpass the competence level of peers, even managers. Incisive and curious, you’re driven to deeply understand how things work. But that’s things, not people. Oh, your family and friends are important; it’s just that you don’t need to spend hours engaging with them. Social validation isn’t your goal—you’re secure enough in your cerebral pursuits. What to watch out for: When you can’t find a way to be the expert, you may withdraw or simply withhold information, which can make you seem smug or arrogant. If you feel yourself retreating into your own world, seek a friend’s help to pull you back. Also balance your cerebral tendencies through physical activities like jogging, hiking, or dance. Looking ahead: You discover who you are meant to be through accumulating insight and knowledge. So follow your curiosity. Are you drawn to learning Mandarin? Joining a philosophy society? Studying and practicing Buddhist meditation? Delving into the complexities of computer programming? Writing a historical book? Pursuits that place you near the leading edge of technology, science, psychology, academia, or business are good bets. But any situation that allows you to work independently with freedom to investigate and innovate will fuel your drive.

Striving to Be Recognized Your Score: 10
You are an achiever: Ambitious, competitive, and hardworking: That’s you. With a clear image of who you are, you work tirelessly to make sure your accomplishments are recognized. Your drive for success extends to your family, and you invest a lot of energy in helping them live up to your expectations. Thanks to your knack for diplomacy and abundant charisma, you often inspire others. What to watch out for: You are prone to becoming a workaholic, slaving away toward success while neglecting your personal life. Because you’re driven to gain approval, you can find yourself performing for others like an actor; if you become overly concerned with your image, you end up feeling superficial. To keep your ambition under control, get involved in group activities that require cooperation. Also practice listening to those around you and think about sharing the spotlight from time to time. Looking ahead: Any career that allows you to scale the ranks and gain recognition, status, even material rewards, lights you up. Actress, entrepreneur, salesperson, politician—you get the picture. And consider balancing your professional challenges with personal ones: Run a 10K, train for a triathlon, compete in a tennis tournament, bike from one end of your state to the other; or join a debate team, play in a poker circle, enter your purebred spaniel in a dog show. Whenever you can win at something, you’re happy.

Striving to Be Creative Your Score: 9
You are an artist: You came out of the womb with a paintbrush in your hand. Or maybe it was a flute or a castanet or a fountain pen to go with your poet’s imagination. The point is, you’re an original, and you know it. Even if you don’t have a singular gift, you’re drawn to the arts—anything creative, for that matter— and you have a unique way of looking at the world. Your need for depth and authenticity in relationships can lead to both great joy and profound sorrow, depending on whether others reciprocate. You don’t care so much about adapting to group or societal expectations; your independence and sharp intuition propel you on your own path. What to watch out for: When fear of conformity overrides your creativity, you can assume the role of “outsider” or “orphan” and end up feeling alienated. You may even go so far as refusing to vote or pay taxes. This lone-wolf stance might be a defense against feeling vulnerable. Try to be aware that blaming others for your banishment, or pushing away those who want to get close, only makes things worse. Also, dramatizing your emotions can interfere with your creativity. Looking ahead: As long as you genuinely express yourself, you feel like the person you were meant to be. How you do it is irrelevant. A chef or architect can be as much of an artist as a painter or sculptor. Many advertising and public relations executives are also highly imaginative. Beyond work, there are opportunities everywhere you look to coax out your inner artist: Design your own jewelry line, create an innovative blog, dream up a comic strip. Relationships are another avenue for self-expression.

Striving to Be Secure Your Score: 10
You are a stabilizer: You are the rock in a storm, the one others lean on. Loyal and committed in your relationships, you maintain a support system of like-minded people whom you look out for. (So what if you do it behind the scenes and don’t get credit?) You’re careful with money, cherish the familiar, and defend the traditions you care about. What to watch out for: Rapidly changing environments (like a shaky economy) are very hard for you. As a result of such instability, you can spiral into a state where everything seems catastrophic and you’re sure life will only get worse. You can also become overcontrolling, rejecting any suggestion that doesn’t conform to your idea of the way things should be. To avoid being too rigid, each month try changing one habit. Experiment with clothes, drive a different way to work, initiate conversations about subjects you wouldn’t normally discuss. And when the opportunity arises to do something new, avoid the impulse to immediately say no— this may be nerve-racking, but the more you practice, the less anxious you’ll feel. Looking ahead: You find meaning in pursuing safety and certainty. Focusing on family can give you great satisfaction. Also consider planting a vegetable garden, hosting class reunions, volunteering as a lifeguard, teaching at your church or temple. In the work arena, look for positions where you’re responsible for others, and for making sure everyone is following the rules. You work well in any environment that is stable and consistent. Careers in government, finance, the military, law enforcement, and product manufacturing are strong options for you.

Striving to Be In Control Your Score: 9
You are a leader: You approach everything as though you were born to be in charge. Confident, assertive, and decisive, you know what you want and you go after it. You also look out for family, friends, and community—you feel you know what’s best for them—and have no fear of confronting anyone who challenges your ideas. Taking the driver’s seat, you also generously donate time and energy to people and neighborhood projects. What to watch out for: When you feel threatened, or others refuse to go along with your agenda, you can become confrontational and domineering, sometimes to the point of being dictatorial. Practice letting someone else take charge on occasion. Also try meditation; it can help you become more aware of your controlling impulses and ease the anxiety that may be provoking them. Looking ahead: You discover your purpose when you take control of your environment. For you, finding a decision-making role is key. That could mean anything from producing a play to spearheading a global campaign for something you care about. In work, you’re suited for leadership positions in education, government, industry, finance, religious institutions, or politics. But you can find satisfaction anytime you’re given the autonomy to do things your own way.

FIND YOUR TRUE CAREER

1. Be a paleontologist. Dig through your life and pull out the artifacts that point to your strengths. Be open to what you find. Throw no evidence away. Start with one clear detail that you know to be true, and then slowly widen your lens. When do you experience concentrations of positive energy? What are the topics that you find yourself pondering most frequently? What are the ideas that keep you awake at night? What ambitions did you set aside when you were younger because you "couldn't make a living doing that"? Using right now as the starting point, review your life and look for clues. Which jobs do you wish you could have stuck with if some of the circumstances were different? What "mistakes" or "accidents" can you reflect on and find new meaning in? What were the significant moments that shaped you? What chance meetings stand out for you? What are some things that others have said about you that have stuck with you over the years? What show did you never miss on TV when you were a kid?

Complete the below.. see if you can find a pattern of when you are in your strength elements

I feel strong when..
I feel strong when I see a clean database free of randomness and non-categories and missing information.
I feel strong when I am in an organized and clean room.
I feel strong when I talk to people on the phone and they do what I want and achieve a result.
I feel strong when my boss compliments a creative idea I have and uses it or sees my disciplined work ethic.
I feel strong when I am working alone and getting things done and crossed off from a To Do List.
I feel strong when I am sitting in front of Photoshop working with an image of something or working on something at my own pace.
I feel strong listening to music and being in a musical creative environment.
I feel strong after finishing a song I wrote and hearing the completed mix.
I feel strong after having a great show that affected people and they come up to and tell me about their experience of it.
I feel strong seeing my own words or thoughts in print or online.
I feel strong after talking to women about abuse and then watching them come to an understanding or awareness of their own situation.
I feel strong when I am researching and gaining knowledge and awareness in subjects I enjoy or things I believe in.
I feel strong when I have ideas involving entertainment and they come to fruition.
radio show for school, blogging my music performances/experiences, creating mini videos, etc
I feel strong when I get hugs of appreciation from other women.
I feel strong when I am designing clothes or have an idea and a sewing machine for an outfit.
I feel strong when I create an image for a picture I am in, style it and then see the final retouching.

. Which jobs do you wish you could have stuck with if some of the circumstances were different?
I wish I did not hurt my back, maybe I would not have been laid off from LBB.. ? I really enjoyed working from home. I really enjoyed being on my own time frame. I enjoyed being in contact with many people per day but not having to see anyone face to face except for conducting interviews. I enjoyed the fact that I was completing the TO DO in the sense of getting the right person for the job. I really enjoyed my high salary and being able to be at home or in the office. I really enjoyed interviewing the candidates and getting to know them. I really enjoyed my HR Director and the people that I worked with included me, like family.

. What ambitions did you set aside when you were younger because you "couldn't make a living doing that"?
More like “ambitions set aside now that I am older” –when I was younger No was not an option and I just went after what I wanted. An at any cost mentality. Now that I am older, I pretty much have set aside anything creative..acting, singing, dancing, making music – when the truth is I really enjoyed doing all these things when I was younger and completely stopped doing them! I set them aside because I know from experience they don’t have jobs that pay as well as other jobs. I can not really make a living doing them. I dont take them seriously and I dont actively pursue them..but here I am, unhappy AGAIN..

. What are some things that others have said about you that have stuck with you over the years?
Everyone says I am a creative person. I am very strong. I am known as a musician. I can do many things. I don’t know if this is even still true or how I could find fulfillment in not making any money at these creative things…if it were, I guess I should do something with performance and music and women.

What "mistakes" or "accidents" can you reflect on and find new meaning in?
The accident of Hurting my back definitely led me to going to college and finding out that I do not want to sell out my music and creativity for cash. I walked away from my record deal. I decided if I was not happy making music and was not happy in life I must be able to do another type of job. Yet, I walked away from music and creativity entirely. Which is a large part of who I have always been. I still have not found another passion to take its place..

. What were the significant moments that shaped you?

The moment I realized I was made to be hurt by others and unworthy of a defense.
The moment I realized I was “ugly”, “stupid”, “worthless” “bad” and a “loser”.
The moment I thought if my own parents can’t love me or would leave me, then so will anyone else.
The moment that I left home to be safe elsewhere.
The moment I first struck a guitar chord.
The moment that I was beaten and raped.
The moment I first got high.
The moment I watched the music awards and said I am gonna do that too.
The moment that I first let my voice come out “as is” and wholly accepted it.
The moment I first played a key on the keyboard.
The moment that I realized no one will ever help me or be there for me. I am on my own.
The moment I first got onstage alone and performed for an audience.
The moment I realized not everyone is the same. Not every man is the same.
The moment I had my heart broken for the umteenth time and gave up on "love".
The moment that I walked away from my years of struggling in music – trying to meet my own fame expectations.
The moment that I made large sums of money from a random song I barely took the time to write and compared it against my most loved and painstakingly written compositions and realized no one cares about those.
The moment I realized I could spend all the money I made and have nice things or really save it for when I may not have money in the future; and I consciously chose the latter. I continued working though I did not need to anymore.
The moment I made a conscious choice to stop doing drugs.
The moment that I left an abusive bf and realized my pattern of dating abusive men.
The moment Karin came to my house.
The moment I found God.
The moment I realized I am NOT alone!
The moment I surrendered my life to Christ.
The moment I realized I am not my own and was bought at a price and needed to be obedient to the Word of God.
The moment I realized that men should treat me and see me, the way Christ sees me and the tender way God loves me.
The moment I defended myself against harm and demanded change and got it.
The moment I decided I deserve better and went after it.
The moment I walked away from my record deal and decided I was not going to do music anymore.
The moment I walked onto the college campus nervous and determined.
The moment I got my first A and saw my GPA at 4.0 and determined to keep it there. The moment I met a boy who I could really be friends, be myself with and loved God as much as me.
The moment that boy and I kissed one random year later.
The moment that boy asked me to marry him.
The moment I demanded higher pay and decided I would no longer accept less than what I am worth. Degree or not.

How to Know the Truth Once you've reached a place of inner stillness, get a pencil and paper and finish these statements:
1. What I really don't want to know is that... 2. I'm avoiding looking at the fact that... 3. The absolute bottom-line truth about my life is... 4. The thing I'm avoiding thinking about is...

If you have no unexamined thoughts, this won't be difficult; you may find only that your sweater is too scratchy or that your father's jokes are boring. But if you've suffered any of the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, you may find anger, fear or grief rising into consciousness as you dig up the raw truth. Don't be afraid of the feelings or thoughts that emerge—remain in stillness and they will soon lessen. Remember, you don't have to DO anything right now, you just have to see the truth of your life with an unsparingly honest eye.

What I really don't want to know is that I now believe that my life is over. I believe there are no more opportunities out there for me and I believe somehow that my age will no longer let me move on.

I'm avoiding looking at the fact that I just don't want to try and FAIL at yet another thing. I see my music career as a failure when most don't. I see that I don't want to try because I don't want to even have or give myself the option of one more let down or failure. I refuse to let myself experience that kind of pain again.

The absolute bottom-line truth about my life is that I have really achieved a lot more than I give myself credit for, I have done much more in my life than my peers and experienced (for worse and best) many more things that most in a lifetime don't get to (and wouldn't want to, in some cases!). I have lived a thousand lifetimes more than my own family members and I will also probably be (though I feel I am "the black sheep" who will "never do anything") the first to actually graduate college (at least my AA!) and leave the state/country.

The thing I am avoiding thinking about is.. what the hell am I going to do now and to secure my future? I am avoiding thinking about my own contributions to lost jobs and failed careers. What did I do wrong?! Or did I do something right? It is all too confusing and painful for me to think about so instead of waffling back and forth in misery and self doubt, I focus elsewhere.. in misery and self doubt :P Can you relate to this at all? What are your answers to the above questions? Thanks for reading!