Sometimes I hate leaving the house

I hate leaving my house. I should not have gone food shopping today. Why one clueless person after another may ask? Why would you? Well, get out you will never understand til you have this. 

Having Lyme and co-infections makes EVERYTHING impossible, including the anxiety that comes upon me when in a supermarket or store of any kind.

Never gets old or better, or easier -->the feeling of being different, feeling of being left out, and feeling freaking alienated by the dietary and physical confines of this sickness. 

I have growing disgust and severe hate for this body simply for the fact that I cannot freaking injest anything resembling foods I enjoyed; like a normal person. 

Other Lymies Morgies, and other raw foodists etc may console themselves say that these people eating these things are all really sick and dying - they say that they are in a delusion of commerce, but the truth is THEY aren't sick. 

They aren't. They hold jobs, they aren't tired all the time, they aren't in pain daily, nor are they having things crawling on them and biting them at night, they have no open itchy sores, or trouble breathing, they don't have twitching skin or random paralysis and can carry on with life (unlike me whose life as I knew it has completely halted). 

It's quite obvious that these HUGE amounts of people eating bread, cookies, chips, cakes AND all kinds of fruit are NOT sick. So why am I? I was one of these people and then one day, I suddenly, wasn't!! I ate these things! Why do I have to suffer this way?!

After 2 years with this, watching people eat their freaking food, buying their food that I know I can't eat, hearing about food commercials on the radio, watching commercials of food of tv and Internet, billboards of food as I drive the streets, disgusts me and makes me sick to my stomach and I want to vomit on the queue counter. It makes it all seem so pointless. No matter what I do, I'm sick. I can't tolerate any food. They aren't. Right now, I hate them AND me. 

Food shopping- this is exactly why I freaking hate leaving my house. 

Freemasonry - my beginnings

Wow.. this was a very interesting read. I am glad I had my generational curses excorcised and that I gave my life to Christ and continue to do my best to keep after Him. This explains a lot about why certain members of my family isn't really "around" or here for me right now in my time suffering. If they gave me (or children) up as a sacrifice in exchange for whatever (I have no idea what level they all are by now, then any guilt at seeing those children actually suffering what they pledged would cause them to naturally stay away) There was a lot of secrecy in my family, now I see why. Sadly, they see my loving God as their evil enemy.

http://www.bibleprobe.com/freemasonry.htm

In long ceremonies with the Holy Spirit, I have done all of the following: 

Cut the noose, protected the throat, renounced the Jezebel spirit and more...!

If you want to do this too please see the following link. 

     I renounce every position held in the lodge by any of my ancestors, including 'Tyler", "Master", "Worshipful Master" or any other. I renounce the calling of any man 'Master' for Jesus Christ is my only master and Lord, and He forbids anyone else having that title. I renounce the entrapping of others into Masonry, and observing the helplessness of others during the rituals. I renounce the effects of Masonry passed on to me through any female ancestor who felt distrusted and rejected by her husband as he entered and attended any lodge and refused to tell her of his secret activities."

1st Degree

            I renounce the oaths taken and the curses involved in the First or Entered Apprentice degree, especially their effects on the throat and tongue. I renounce the Hoodwink, the blindfold, and its effects, on emotions and eyes, including all confusion, fear of the dark, fear of the light, and fear of sudden noises. I renounce the secret word BOAZ and all it means. I renounce the mixing and mingling of truth and error and the blasphemy of this degree of Masonry. I renounce the noose around the neck, the fear of choking and also every spirit causing asthma, hay fever, emphysema or any other breathing difficulty. I renounce the compass point, sword or spear held against the breast, the fear of death by stabbing pain and the fear of heart attack from this degree. In the name of Jesus Christ I now pray for healing of... (The throat, vocal cords, nasal passages, sinus, bronchial tubes etc.) And for healing of the speech area, and the release of the Word of God to me and through me and my family.

2nd Degree

            I renounce the oaths taken and the curses involved in the second or Fellow Craft degree of Masonry, especially the curses on the heart and chest. I renounce the secret words JACHIN and SHIBBOLETH and all that these mean. I cut off emotional hardness, apathy, indifference, unbelief, and deep anger from my family and me. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray for the healing of the chest/lung/heart area and also for the healing of my emotions, and ask to be made sensitive to the Holy Spirit of God.

3rd Degree

            I renounce the oaths taken and the curses involved in the third or Master Mason degree, especially the curses on the stomach and womb area. I renounce the secret words MAIIA BONE, MACHABE-N, MACHBINNA and TUBAL CAIN, and all that they mean. I renounce the Spirit of Death from the blows to the head enacted as ritual murder, the fear of death, false martyrdom, fear of violent gang attack, assault or rape; and the helplessness of this degree. I renounce the falling into the coffin or stretcher involved in the ritual of murder. I renounce the false resurrection of this degree, because only Jesus Christ is the Resurrection and the Life! I also renounce the blasphemous kissing of the Bible on a Witchcraft oath. I cut off all spirits of death, witchcraft and deception and in the name of Jesus Christ I pray for the healing of the stomach, gall bladder, womb, liver and any other organs of my body affected by Masonry. I ask for a release of compassion and understanding for my family and me.

Holy Royal Arch Degree

            I renounce and forsake the oaths taken and The curses involved in the Holy Royal Arch Degree of Masonry, especially the oath regarding the removal of the head from the body and the exposing of the brains to the hot sun. I renounce the Mark Lodge, and the mark in the form of squares and angles, which marks the person for life. I also reject the jewel or talisman that may have been made from this mark sign and worn at lodge meetings. I renounce the false secret name of God, JAHBULON, and the password, AMMI RUHAMAH and all they mean. I renounce the false communion or Eucharist taken in this degree, and all the mockery, skepticism and unbelief about the redemptive work of Jesus Christ on the cross of Calvary. I cut off all these curses and their effects on my family and me in the name of Jesus Christ, and I pray for healing of the brain, the mind etc.

18th Degree

            I renounce the oaths taken and the curses involved in the eighteenth degree of Masonry, the Most Wise Sovereign Knight of the Pelican and the Eagle and Sovereign Prince Rose Croix of Heredom. I renounce and reject the Pelican witchcraft spirit, as well as the occult influence of the Rosicrucians and the Kabbala in this degree. I renounce the claim that the death of Jesus Christ was a 'dire calamity', and also the deliberate mockery and twisting of the Christian doctrine of the Atonement. I renounce the blasphemy and rejection of the deity of Jesus Christ and the secret words IGNE NATURA RENOVATUR INTEGRA and its burning. I renounce the mockery of the communion taken in this degree, including a biscuit, salt and white wine.

30th Degree

            I renounce the oaths taken and the curses involved in the thirtieth degree of Masonry, the Grand Knight Kadosh and Knight of the Black and White Eagle. I renounce the password, 'STIBIUM ALKABAR', and all it means.

31st Degree

            I renounce the oaths taken and the curses involved in the thirty-first degree of Masonry, the Grand Inspector Inquisitor Commander. I renounce all the gods and goddesses of Egypt which are honored in this degree, including Anubis with the ram's head, Osiris the Sun god, Isis the sister and wife of 0siris and also the moon goddess. I renounce the Soul of Cheres, the false symbol of immortality, the Chamber of the dead and the false teaching of reincarnation.

32nd Degree

            I renounce the oaths taken and the curses involved in the thirty-second degree of Masonry, the Sublime Prince of the Royal Secret. I renounce masonry's false trinitarian deity AUM, and its parts, Brahma the creator, Vishnu the preserver and Shiva the destroyer. I renounce the deity of AHURA-MAZDA, the claimed spirit or source of all light, and the worship with fire, which are an abomination to God, and also the drinking from a human skull in many Rites.

York Rite

            I renounce the oaths taken and the curses involved in the York Rite of Freemasonry, including Mark Master, Past Master, Most Excellent Master, Royal Master, Select Master, Super Excellent Master, the Orders of the Red Cross, the Knights of Malta, and the Knights Templar degrees. I renounce the secret words of JOPPA, KEB RAIOTH, and MAHER-SHALAL-HASH-BAZ. I renounce the vows taken on a human skull, the crossed swords, and the curse and death wish of Judas of having the head cut off and placed on top of a church spire. I renounce the unholy communion and especially of drinking from a human skull in many Rites.

Shriners (America only - doesn't apply in other countries)

            I renounce the oaths taken and the curses and penalties involved in the Ancient Arabic Order of the Nobles of the Mystic Shrine. I renounce the piercing of the eyeballs with a three-edged blade, the flaying of the feet, the madness, and the worship of the false god Allah as the god of our fathers. I renounce the hoodwink, the mock hanging, the mock beheading, the mock drinking & the blood of the victim, the mock dog urinating on the initiate, and the offering of urine as a commemoration.

33rd & Supreme Degree

            In the name of Jesus Christ I renounce the oaths taken and the curses involved in the supreme Thirty-Third Degree of Freemasonry, the Grand Sovereign Inspector General. I renounce the secret passwords, DEMOLAY-HIRAM ABIFF, FREDERICK OF PRUSSIA, MICHA, MACHA, BEALIM, and ADONAI and all they mean. I renounce all of the obligations of every Masonic degree, and all penalties invoked. I renounce and utterly forsake The Great Architect Of The Universe, who is revealed in the this degree as Lucifer, and his false claim to be the universal fatherhood of God. I renounce the cable-tow around the neck. I renounce the death wish that the wine drunk from a human skull should turn to poison and the skeleton whose cold arms are invited if the oath of this degree is violated. I renounce the three infamous assassins of their grand master, law, property and religion, and the greed and witchcraft involved in the attempt to manipulate and control the rest of mankind. In the name of God the Father, Jesus Christ the Son, and the Holy Spirit, I renounce and break the curses involved in the idolatry, blasphemy, secrecy and deception of Freemasonry at every level, and I appropriate the Blood of Jesus Christ to cleanse all the consequences of these from my life. I now revoke all previous consent given by any of my ancestors or myself to be deceived.

All other degrees

            I renounce all the other oaths taken in the rituals of every other degree and the curses involved. I renounce all other lodges and secret societies such as Prince Hall Freemasonry, Mormonism, The Order of Amaranth, Oddfellows, Buffaloes, Druids, Foresters, Orange, Elks, Moose and Eagles Lodges, the Ku Klux Klan, The Grange, the Woodmen of the World, Riders of the Red Robe, the Knights of Pythias, the Mystic Order of the Veiled Prophets of the Enchanted Realm, the women's Orders of the Eastern Star and of the White Shrine of Jerusalem, the girls' order of the Daughters of the Eastern Star, the International Orders of Job's Daughters and of the Rainbow, the boys' Order of De Molay and their effects on me and all my family.
            I renounce the ancient pagan teaching and symbolism of the First Tracing Board, the Second Tracing Board and the Third Tracing Board used in the ritual of the Blue Lodge. I renounce the pagan ritual of the 'Point within a Circle' with all its bondages and phallus worship. I renounce the occult mysticism of the black and white mosaic checkered floor with the tessellated boarder and five-pointed blazing star. I renounce the symbol 'G' and it's veiled pagan symbolism and bondages. I renounce and utterly forsake the Great Architect Of The Universe, who is revealed in the higher degrees as Lucifer, and his false claim to be the universal fatherhood of God. I also renounce the false claim that Lucifer is the Morning Star and Shining One and I declare that Jesus Christ is the Bright and Morning Star of Revelation 22:16.
            I renounce the All-Seeing Third Eye of Freemasonry or Horus in the forehead and its pagan and occult symbolism. I renounce all false communions taken, all mockery of the redemptive work of Jesus Christ on the cross of Calvary, all unbelief, confusion and depression and all worship of Lucifer as God. I renounce and forsake the lie of Freemasonry that man is not sinful, but merely imperfect and so can redeem himself through good works. I rejoice that the Bible states that I cannot do a single thing to earn my salvation, but that I can only be saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ and what He accomplished on the Cross of Calvary.
            I renounce all fear of insanity, anguish, death wishes, suicide and death in the name of Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ conquered death, and He alone holds the keys of death and hell, and I rejoice that He holds my life in His hands now. He came to give me life abundantly and eternally, and I believe His promises.
            I renounce all anger, hatred, murderous thoughts, revenge, retaliation, spiritual apathy, false religion, all unbelief, especially unbelief in the Holy Bible as God's Word, and all compromise of God's Word. I renounce all spiritual searching into false religions and all striving to please God, I rest in the knowledge that I have found my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, and that He has found me.
            I will burn all objects in my possession, which connect me with all lodges and or cultic organizations, including Masonry, Witchcraft and Mormonism and all regalia, aprons, books of rituals, rings and other jewelry. I renounce the effects of these or other objects of Masonry, such as the compass, the square, the noose or the blindfold, have had on me or my family, in Jesus Name
            All participants should now be invited to sincerely carry out the following:
(1) Symbolically remove the blindfold (hoodwink) and give it to the Lord for disposal.
                (2) In the same way, symbolically remove the veil of mourning.
(3) Symbolically cut and remove the noose from around the neck, gather it up with the cable-tow running down the body and give it all to the Lord for His disposal.
(4) Renounce the false Freemasonry marriage covenant, removing from the 4^thfinger of the right hand the ring of this false marriage covenant, giving it to the Lord to dispose of it.
(5) Symbolically remove the chains and bondages of Freemasonry from your body.
(6) Symbolically remove all Freemasonry regalia and armour, especially the Apron.
(7) Repent of and seek forgiveness for having walked on all unholy ground, including Freemasonry lodges and temples, including any Mormon or other occult/Masonic organizations.
                (8) Symbolically remove the ball and chain from the ankles.
(9) Proclaim that "Satan and his demons no longer have any legal rights to mislead and manipulate me because I have repented and proclaim Jesus as my Lord, my Saviour and my only source of Truth."
            Holy Spirit, I ask that you show me anything else which I need to do or to pray so that I and my family may be totally free from the consequences of the sins of Masonry, Witchcraft, Mormonism and Paganism.

(Pause, while listening to God, and pray as the Holy Spirit leads you.)

            Now dear Father God. I ask humbly for the blood of Jesus Christ, your Son, to cleanse me from all these sins I have confessed and renounced, to cleanse my spirit, my soul, my mind, my emotions and every part of my body which has been affected by these sins. In Jesus' name.
            I renounce every evil spirit associated with Masonry, Witchcraft and all other sins. I command in The name of Jesus Christ for Satan and every evil spirit to be bound and to leave me now, touching or harming no-one, and go to the place appointed for you by the Lord Jesus, never to return to me or my family. I call on the name of the Lord Jesus to be delivered of these spirits, in accordance with the many promises of the Bible. I ask to be delivered of every spirit of sickness. Infirmity, curse, affliction, addiction, disease or allergy associated with these sins I have confessed and renounced. I surrender to God's Holy Spirit and to no other spirit all the places in my life where these sins have been. I ask you, Lord, to baptize me in your Holy Spirit now according to the promises in your Word. I take to myself the whole armour of God in accordance with Ephesians Chapter Six and rejoice in its protection as Jesus surrounds me and fills me with His Holy Spirit. I enthrone you, Lord Jesus, in my heart, for you are my Lord and my Saviour, the source of eternal life. Thank you, Father God, for your mercy, your forgiveness and your love, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
NOTE: 
Christians should pray for Masons without judging them. Bring their sins to God in an attitude of love, petitioning the Father for His mercy, binding in the name of Jesus Christ the spirits of deception, antichrist, witchcraft and death. Most men have no perception of the spiritual deception they have entered. 
Please remember that 'We do not wrestle against flesh and blood (your loved ones) but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places,' (Ephesians 6:12)

This is a spiritual battle and should be treated accordingly.

(The preceding prayer is taken from 'Unmasking Freemasonry - Removing the Hoodwink' by Selwyn Stevens. (ISBN 09583417-3-7) published by Jubilee Publishers. PO Box 36-044, Wellington 6330, New Zealand. Copying of this prayer is both permitted and encouraged provided reference is made to where it comes from.)

5 ways to get over a "cheater"/cheating boyfriend:

-Change your number

-Don't talk to him again ever, knowing YOU are/were the better person in the relationship. 

-Grieve privately - be with  therapist, friends, family -do NOT grieve to HIM.

-Know that you are/he is now "sloppy seconds" & he WILL cheat again. 

-When you are ready, go slow and find a righteous, faithful, honest, kind man to be happy with - this finding happiness and true love really is the best revenge

This day in 2015

In June 2015 of last year, I was making A LOT of smoothies. The Lord was/is amazing with me. So what had happened was...lol...I was going through my spinach and there had been so many that went bad and I had gotten a giant bag and I had paid a lot of money for it, so I didn't want to just throw it all away. :(

 I decided to look in the bag for any that I could still salvage/have or save and dry off 

(good spinach wilts when other spinach that are rotten are in there wet with them), and use in the smoothie or a salad. 

As I was looking through the bag throwing out the wilted and rotten ones and trying hard to find the good ones,  The Lord spoke to me and He said "this is how it will be at the end of the age. You are seeking the good ones. You are seeking the worthy ones, and so do I." 

"You paid a high price for these spinach and so did I. I paid a very high price too. Higher than this as I gave my one and only Son."

"(my name), my child, do you see how if you look hard through the whole bag you can see the good green ones? They stand out. You notice how you want to just get it over with and get the ones that are good and are ready to give up?" I WAS getting impatient, because finding perfect spinach leaves in a bag of rotting ones is slow and tedious work.

God said, "I have more patience. I do not want ANY to be thrown away." "This goodness and differences is how apparent the differences will be at the end of the age." 

It was so weird an experience but it was awesome to be with Him while just making a smoothie. :).

3 Song Faves A Day

A song in this playlist today has me dancing. It is nice to be able to let go of fears and frustrations with illness and just dance. :) Oh, how I used to love to engage in the dance! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stXSKQwIVPw&index=4&list=PLr0yKcklrVpf_PSlW__5QEz_0wjoPRnci

Mug Cake Is AMAZING

Wow!  Why did I not get into the mug cake phenomenon until now?!  When I would see pictures of mug cakes floating around on Pinterest I always thought, "Seriously? Come on! Yuck! How could a cake be made in the microwave and actually taste gooood?" 

Well, I am here to tell you mug cake works! It IS a mini cake and works to satisfy ANY sweet craving instantly and in a small way. Not only does it work, it works for me! 

Being sick, .. No. Having been sick and recovering (fighting back!) from my illness; eating a gluten free, sugar free, fruit free, and dairy free diet is VERY HARD and this modification** for cake is --well, it is incredible. It’s brilliant. #gamechanger It’s the greatest thing since sliced bread, and I would know, I used to be able to eat bread.

I think I may gain 5 pounds this month from this method of making cake. I will be posting some of my lil Mug Cakes so far. At 6 ingredients, 2-3 mins prep and usually a 1.5-2 min cook time, you could likely try one right now... but stay tuned! 💪🏻

*My modifications are stevia, xylitol or manuka honey for the sweeteners - only these, not erythritol, which is a corn sugar. *Coconut or almond flour for the flours *Homemade almond or coconut milk for the milks. *Flax eggs or eggs for the egg.

Here is a video of my broadcast on Younow making mug cakes for ignorant almond flour cooking viewers. :) 

And then there is a little joy moment. A 2 minute mug cake, easy peasy, easy does it one day at a time to make us smile on those hard days. Just don't put the silverware in the fridge or look for the almond milk in the cupboard like me. 😛

Here is the first mug recipe. An 8 oz or 10 oz mug works fine for me. 

Avocado Brownie Mug Cake

Ingredients:

4 1/2 tbsp flour (coconut or almond) 

4 tbsp xylitol or stevia to taste 


1/8 tsp baking powder
 (Corn free, alcohol free) 

2 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder


3 tbsp mashed avocado (a little less than half a medium avocado)


3 tbsp fat almond or coconut milk

Directions:

Mash avocado very well/smooth

Mix all ingredients into an oversized mug with a small whisk until smooth. 

Cook for about 1 1/2 minutes in microwave until cake is cooked. (Cook may times vary on microwave strength)

Let cake cool in mug before eating.

3 Song Faves A Day

This day is filled with hope and joy and energy!! Mental and let's try to see how far we can also physically go today!

(copy and paste into browser - listen while we take a moment to focus on this picture =)

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLr0yKcklrVpf_PSlW__5QEz_0wjoPRnci

3 Song Faves A Day

Here are my 3 favorite songs for today. Play them and listen with hope and I hope they bring a smile. Copy and paste this one into your browser. (link is wonky)

Here I will take a moment to prepare for getting well. Every journey begins with small steps.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLr0yKcklrVpf_PSlW__5QEz_0wjoPRnci

Are There Lessons in My Suffering? - My 4 Questions

This week I began a very introspective study and reading the Word like I often do in these crazy symptom filled times of pain and frustration. In this self-study I was asked 4 odd questions, and I decided to answer them as honestly as I could. What I found there has been astonishing, eye opening and perspective changing in hopefully a permanent way. As usual, with my "revelations" I decided to share them here and to hopefully someday maybe benefit someone else.

Here are the questions (I dare anyone to ask them to yourself and share them with me) :P
1) How does this situation I'm in help me to understand more about Christ?
2) How can/ could God be using this situation to produce fruit in me?
3) What character qualities can God develop in me through this situation?
4) Is this situation/(how could this be) God's loving discipline to correct me or to change me to the right path?

Then I meditated each day, in prayer, in reflection, in the Word.. to try to find a possible answer because I fought these questions initially. This is what was shown to me.

1) In what freaking possible way could this absolutely terrible situation be helping me to understand more about Christ?! What do I even really know about Christ?! Romans 8:22, 1 Peter 2:19, Isaiah 53:4, Galatians 4:19, 1 Peter 4:12, Romans 8:18

Christ was obedient to the Father even to death on the cross. He was given by the Father as a sacrifice for sins he did not commit. He too could have said as I often do to the Father "hey, this isn't fair" "why is this happening to ME?" "If you loved me why aren’t you keeping me from this pain/suffering?" He too cried out to the Father day and night as I do, Christ too was in constant prayer as I am, He was the Son of God and YET, yet he too was made to suffer tremendously for my/our many sins. Comparing my suffering to his suffering still there is no match. He knew who he was to the Father, he had confidence in his son ship and trusted in the Father. In suffering, he gave glory to the Father and still thanked and praised Him. This is what is also desired I believe of me. The suffering that Christ endured, I am getting a smaller taste of: extreme physical pain, being ridiculed, feeling sad and depressed often, feeling alone, being mocked, being misunderstood, and more.

Looking at it that way, I could, see this as a trial by affliction, my fulfillment into son ship of the kingdom. I could see it as a loving correction or discipline of learning and refinement from the Father. I could use Christs’ example resisting sin and temptation by the enemy, even unto the shedding of his blood. I could cling to the Father as Christ did, in his desperate hours of suffering, fear and pain; instead of getting so mad at Him. Christ trusted in the Father to his death. It’s not like he was down and that’s what he wanted, it’s what he did not want! He pretty much said “I don’t want to do this, I REALLY don't want to do this, but, your will over mine”. "Your will be done Father". Christ then offered peace and joy knowing what was ahead. Promising us/ME, his believers, that this "must happen for all prophecy to be fulfilled" and to "be glad" as he has "overcome even death" and that He is the way to everlasting life. For peace to be with me/us (not doubt, not anger, not confusion) because he is risen. Luke 24:36-43. Christ didn't mourn his flesh body as much as I mourn my old body and old food. He seemed to know and believe that better was ahead.

2) How I think God could possibly be using this to produce fruit in me maybe by using this situation/illness is to teach me self-control (a fruit of the spirit), to teach me patience (a fruit of the spirit), to learn what it means to truly trust in Him when everything is really falling apart and no end is in sight, to learn to submit to Him/His will, to believe in the promises, to learn how to have strength IN the trial, to learn to have more faith in Him and in myself, to be able to discern, decipher, and withstand the darts/lies that the enemy tells me, to learn to draw closer to Him, to see that I must stop trying to do everything on my own strength /my own way, to learn to cling to his Word, to help me to conquer my feelings of worthlessness, and to see his love for me during this illness. The “situation” for me is: my illness, the poverty that we have suffered because of it, insane food restrictions, not being able to support myself, feeling worthless, alone, afraid, angry because of this illness, the depression and mood swings that chronic illness causes and intense mourning. Constant state of mourning. The loss of my body, the loss of my home/my things, the loss of my dreams, the loss of my previous freedoms with food, the loss of my income, the loss of and separation from others.

3) As angry as I am at this situation, I believe one of the character qualities I see God developing is patience, as well as faith - believing in the trial. Though I wish this could have been done another way - I too, humbly submit to His will. I see that everything related to chronic illness requires freaking patience. I'm not sure what other character qualities as of yet - I don’t like my new PTSD qualities and my frustrations with others. I don’t like my irritability or fits of anger.

I must have patience. An increase somehow in patience. Patience and trust in God, patience with my bf who does his best and patience with the world - slow to have tests and a cure and solid understanding and even belief in the existence of this illness I have. I must have patience waiting for the meds to work, trying different methods to see what will kill these things, to continue to try when its hopeless and patience with myself when I fail at perfectly doing this journey (as if that was possible). I must have patience as I am constantly misjudged, misunderstood, lied about, have my health concerns invalidated, called names, as I am questioned for my choices, and as I am the entire time suffering greatly physically - but silently. This illness is inside me and affects all parts of my body, but stealthy where no one can "see" I’m sick.
I must strive for more patience as I constantly must forgo food I love and miss and desire and watch others eat, as I feel left out, as I miss out on events of friends/family, miss out on things I really want to do, and what I want to be is not who I am now or yet even physically possible. I must be patient as I watch my body deteriorate, my previous abilities wane, and my semblance of my previous life set out to pretty much die a cold hard death.

I must have patience as I attempt to rebuild another life in THIS new sick body - rebuild what I can as much as I can to health and patience to learn to let go of any expectations of wellness or thinking too much of unknown things. I must have patience as I try to remain positive with every set back, relapse in health and increasing and worsening symptoms. I must remain patient constantly looking for the thread of hope in the day. Though I definitely don’t like it, or even understand - I bow to His Sovereignty as I learn patience (and who knows what else?) in this pain and suffering.

4) Is this situation God's discipline or a correcting of my path? Pain -1 Pet. 4:12-13, Hebrews 5:7-8, Romans 8:22, Job 30:17, 33:19, Lamentations 3:19, Isaiah 53:3-4, Psalm 38:3, Psalm 12:5, Prov. 20:30

How could this situation possibly be a loving discipline/teaching? I think this situation could be a teaching on how to have compassion for future others I may meet, how to go to God, how to be strong, how to be gentle (through watching bf's caring, self-sacrifice and kindness), how to be consistent, how to have self-control, how to pray in earnest, how to be selfless while practicing self care, how to practice faith actively when there is no reason to try or evidence of "results" to cling to, how to be forgiving of others who insult me, lie about me, call me names, misunderstand me / my situation, don't believe me, misjudge me and mistreat me, how to trust Him. What it means to choose to believe. To choose to have faith. To choose to see the blessing.

How could this situation be His correction of my path? Prov 15:5, Job 5:17, 33:19, Prov 29:!9, Deut. 8:5, 2 Tim 2:25, 2 Tim 3:16
Well, what path was I on? Where was I? I started answering this with lists. I love lists. If I had not fallen ill... I would be:

I would still be working in the stressful Finance industry in Bev Hills by now making a bit more “comfortable” $60k. SO and I were spending a lot of time apart, he at Sketchers’, me at work and school, music practice and at that time we rarely ever made time for each other. I often felt uncared for, and unloved and we weren’t talking so it’s very likely my temptation at work might have grown stronger, and I might have been tempted by lusting after my coworker and left SO for an unbeliever. I might have been so focused on school, music and success that I'd stubbornly have “forged ahead” rebelliously without thinking of God. I might have gotten successful strides in music and fallen away to the cares and riches of this world. I might have fallen victim to a false teaching at my or another church. I could have fallen into sin with an unbeliever, later gotten sad about falling away and committed suicide. I might have spent my money foolishly or become a false Christian. Attending church (or not) engaging in ministry, singing "worship songs" but have/made no real time to spend with God or learning and applying his Word or speaking to others about how knowing Him has caused amazing changes in my life and helping or caring for others.

I would have likely also had my bodybuilding as an idol - instead of prayer and being in the Word, I was much stronger than I am now, working out often and so exercise research, measurements and progress photos would have replaced my time with Him. I probably would have definitely been more preoccupied with food macros and perfect quantities, instead of fellow-shipping with believers and service to Him. I could have likely continued to be abused by my boss and manager rationalizing as I used to that "I'm on my hustle to get this music out there/can't stop the grind til I’m where I want to be / I can sleep when I’m dead" continuing solely "just doing it for the money, then I'm out!” Dangerously further reinforcing my false early childhood beliefs of what I am worth, where my security comes from and what I "need" to be "happy".

If I hadn’t fallen ill, I know that I would have still falsely believed that I needed my clothes, my bed, a dresser, family, my large walk in closet, a nice car, nice furniture, accessible parking, bags of accessories and makeup, a kitchen, friends, a comfortable large apartment, 100's of pairs of shoes, belts and purses, shampoo and moisturizers, hair dyes, CD’s, DVD’s, pictures, and many more objects that I've lost and realized I don't actually NEED anything - I desired them.

If I hadn’t fallen ill, I would not have ever learned that when Jesus says "don’t worry about your clothes or what you will eat", that "the Father will provide" he means exactly that. I always heard it, but I would not have learned how true that actually is! If I had not gotten ill, I would still think that I need to look good all the time, be sexy, measure up to be loved, that how it looks are most important, that music industry idolatry and celebrity status is desirable to achieve, I would have continued to think/believe falsely without question (as I am questioning now) that I needed to be accepted, respected and loved by the world and that without the security of money - there is nothing else left really.

If I had not gotten sick, I likely never would have questioned my songs or whether my desired "godly message" was even correct/or biblical. Being well and healthy, I most definitely would have continued to strive for and trying for success and with every failure or let down inwardly, never showing it, I would have felt worse about myself and possibly even lost my view of my salvation.
I might have become more tolerant over time of sinful songs at my job (we were listening 8 hours a day/5 days a week) and began singing them or also began a low grade alcohol addiction by attending our many co-worker bonding "happy hours" which often turned to drunken debauchery, selfies and attention seeking.

It's highly likely that the more money I made, differing environments and my connections with wealthier people it might have eventually somewhat influenced me to spend in the wrong way or see others differently. I might have become a miser with my large amounts of money, hoarding it all for "the rainy day" and not sharing it, eating lavishly and growing in disdain over time and possibly having less compassion for those less fortunate than me.

Without a doubt, if I had not gotten ill, I DEFINITELY would have finished my damned last class left to my Associates degree and then on to my Bachelor's degree! I likely would have taken a Philosophy class which could have served to make me question God's existence and truths and trade my truth/experience with the Almighty for questions and assumptions in the face of new “information”/worldly ”wisdom”. I would have likely moved closer to my school Pepperdine or San Diego, and left my best friends I’ve ever known behind. I would have constantly been meeting new people and still had a laser like focus on getting A's no matter what, keeping my 4.0 and being perfect. Studying constantly, overworking myself, and driving forward ruthlessly toward a perceived "success" which was constantly shapeshifting.

If I had not gotten ill, and very likely influenced daily by being in school with people younger than me, I would likely have started getting depressed/worried about my "aging" and started striving for relevance and chasing youth/beauty; instead of godliness and humility. I might have also continued comparing myself to other women/people and began chasing more material possessions instead of keeping my eyes focused and fixed on the perfecter of my faith - who said" do not worry about your life, your heavenly Father knows what you need before you even ask Him. Seek FIRST the kingdom."

These are just some of my "paths" I could have been on (knowing myself, my goals at the time and the way I used to think) had my path, my whole LIFE really, NOT come to a COMPLETE HALT and changed direction by getting this illness.

Hbu?

"Treatment" is decades away - survive the very best way you can - What Morgellons Feels Like

Medically speaking, that is. For those suffering from Morgellons coinfection, I want you to know that I do believe you. Even though no one else may understand. You are not alone. You are not crazy, there are very real processes happening to your body that are simply unexplainable right now.

You take charge of your healing and find what will work for you, your body. With that in mind, I hope this link helps you.

Tips for Morgellons Patients - Charles E. Holman Foundation

Also, I have written a How It Feels meme for the Morgellons Coinfection. A description for normal people of what our life is like living with this illness . :) Did I cover everything?

How it feels to have MORGELLONS

Imagine day and night being surrounded by thousands & thousands of hungry red fire-ants you cannot get away from.

Then, imagine these fire-ants intermittently biting at you whenever you are relaxed, sleeping or stop moving.

Then, imagine being blind and you feel stings, hard pinching/stuck w/ a needle in multiple places, simultaneously (from a scorpion) you rationally try to look for "something", but cannot "see". Then, imagine that worms/snakes (or any insect you fear) are crawling through your body hair, ears, nose, eyes, and face - day AND night.

Then, imagine breaking out ("pimples" look like mosquito bites) anywhere on your body with a intense feeling of the worst case of chicken pox/jock itch, so intense that it does not allow you to focus on anything/anyone then, imagine, this intense itch comes on anywhere at any time, but you cannot scratch under any circumstances!

Then, imagine having gaping oozing holes open up randomly on your once beautiful taut unbroken, umpimpled, skin that is extremely painful and when you try desperately to go get medical answers and help - you are told you did it to yourself or it's not real or you are accused of being a meth addict; though you have never done meth in your life.

Then, imagine that you are randomly being poked at by a child's finger FROM THE INSIDE of your skin.

Next, imagine, as you try to get help daily watching your body & cognition deteriorate; you were just quick witted and active you now can barely add or move & your hair has changed to gray overnight thanks to these invisible things taking not only minerals u need but starving ur body of melanin and messing with your hormones.

Then, imagine losing a parent, or loved one; the intense sadness and fear that you never have experienced anything like this in your life to compare this to, and you cry daily for the loss/confusion of not only your lifestyle, your mind, your money, career, relationships, but your actual body and as night comes you begin to dread what you will feel.

Now, put all that together imagine that you go to bed tonight feeling "normal" and comfortable in your skin and wake up tomorrow in the body above.

Put all that together imagining once more that you experience these things daily mostly in silence, and for YEARS with NO financial help, and in shame, feeling constant loss, grief & sadness, no one understands nor would believe you and you learn by current scientific research available that there is NO CURE..

That's sort of what it feels like having Morgellons.

PS - If you really want to jump in my shoes, also now imagine that you have Lyme Disease and it's many added co-infections on top of this one.

No Going Back - Never Be The Same

5/05/16
(Me)               2016 A.D.
I remember the days when I used to walk freely
I remember the days that I enjoyed living in my skin
I remember the days of clarity and intelligence
the days of passion I miss

I remember the days I didn't have sores and crawling worms
I remember the days I could dance, jump, run and sing
I remember the days I had no food restrictions and could eat anything
the days of breath I miss

I remember the days when I used to sleep soundly
I remember the days I could love without a care
I remember the days I would stay up late nights
the days of freedom I miss

Where is that woman now?  What happened to her?
She is a barely recognizable shell of her former self
She has been replaced by a frail and sick old woman
who is longing for her death and time to finally come.

Days that are left behind cannot be pondered on for too long
 as it is the hard days ahead are all that remain
Though it was just 2 years ago everything has changed
and there is no going back. She will never be the same.

Am I living the life of Job? Surely! Though for some reason it feels so. I am acutely aware of everything single thing Job describes in such a personal way.

-------------------------------------------
(Job) Book of Job  1900 to 1700 BC

Like a slave longing for the evening shadows,

or a hired laborer waiting to be paid,

3so I have been allotted months of futility,

and nights of misery have been assigned to me.

4When I lie down I think, ‘How long before I get up?’

The night drags on, and I toss and turn until dawn.

5My body is clothed with worms and scabs,

my skin is broken and festering.

6“My days are swifter than a weaver’s shuttle,

and they come to an end without hope.

7Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath;

my eyes will never see happiness again.

8The eye that now sees me will see me no longer;

you will look for me, but I will be no more.

9As a cloud vanishes and is gone,

so one who goes down to the grave does not return.

Therefore I will not keep silent;

I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,

I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.

12Am I the sea, or the monster of the deep,

that you put me under guard?

13When I think my bed will comfort me

and my couch will ease my complaint,

14even then you frighten me with dreams

and terrify me with visions,

15so that I prefer strangling and death,

rather than this body of mine.

16I despise my life; I would not live forever.

Let me alone; my days have no meaning.

16“And now my life ebbs away;

days of suffering grip me.

17Night pierces my bones;

my gnawing pains never rest.

18In his great power God becomes like clothing to me^d ;

he binds me like the neck of my garment.

19He throws me into the mud,

and I am reduced to dust and ashes.

Chapter 19

20“I cry out to you, God, but you do not answer;

I stand up, but you merely look at me.

21You turn on me ruthlessly;

with the might of your hand you attack me.

22You snatch me up and drive me before the wind;

you toss me about in the storm.

23I know you will bring me down to death,

to the place appointed for all the living.

24“Surely no one lays a hand on a broken man

when he cries for help in his distress.

25Have I not wept for those in trouble?

Has not my soul grieved for the poor?

26Yet when I hoped for good, evil came;

when I looked for light, then came darkness.

27The churning inside me never stops;

days of suffering confront me.

28I go about blackened, but not by the sun;

I stand up in the assembly and cry for help.

29I have become a brother of jackals,

a companion of owls.

30My skin grows black and peels;

my body burns with fever.

31My lyre is tuned to mourning,

and my pipe to the sound of wailing.

Lyme Symptoms

https://www.lymedisease.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Symptomchecklist-burrascano.pdf

Bartonella Symptoms

http://www.anapsid.org/lyme/symptoms/tbi-symptoms.html

Babesia Symptoms 

http://canlyme.com/just-diagnosed/co-infections/specific-co-infections/

Mycoplasma Symptoms

http://www.webmd.com/lung/walking-pneumonia?page=2

Morgellons Symptoms 

http://www.morgellons-research.org/morgellons/morgellons_symptoms.htm

AIDS Symptoms (lest anyone forget! another disease that was at one time unexplained, accused falsely, had no cure)

https://www.aids.gov/hiv-aids-basics/hiv-aids-101/signs-and-symptoms/

God is at work in me through this illness until my end. He is, in pain, teaching me patience (a fruit of the spirit). I am going to die soon, I can feel it. Though I am mocked, misjudged, misunderstood and disrespected with my illness by others. I feel it. I cannot explain it, but for the first time in my life I can actually FEEL death. 

This Day In - #tbt - A Day - My Life in My Eyes

I was gonna post this on Thursday and no, I don't think it is throwback Thursday. Who am I kidding? I will likely forget by Thursday and I think its a fun idea right now, so I might as well do it now. Right? Before I forget - thank you brain fog. 

I have been a lucky/weird/analytical/documentor/prayer archivist or whatever you want to call this strange thing that I do - for the last 15 years of my life and I am fortunate to be able to at any moment look back to where I was at a point in time, at ANY time in my life in the month of (April). 

With that here is a time machine like look into my last X number of years on this planet or near April/May throughout time:
1996 - Apr/ May
dADdY ©SM4-96

Wake up in the morning
Feeling like shit
Last night was a doozy
Can't remember it.
Why do I feel this way?
You, "man of the house"
All about town getting fucked up.
You, tower of SHIT
Coming to me for comfort tonight.
Don't touch me it's not that way anymore!
I'm not gonna do time for daddy's crime no more!
Look at me like I'm a piece of meat,
Feel so ashamed can't walk down the street,
I HATE YOU FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!
But, I will escape I will be free. 
My nightmares should be your guilt.
How dare you stare beneath my quilt?
Strong I am to take the pain but,
Not gonna take it again and again.
Don't touch me it's not that way anymore!
I'm not gonna do time for daddy's crime no more!

Q     U    E    E    N       B   E      E       
( 4-96)
Queen bee     shining     looking   
screaming        to         feel
Smoking,       joking,     poking
fun at me

Stare in the mirror hate what I see.
Queen bee
making, taking, breaking,
what’s inside.......

Good time girl,
Hair in a curl,
Gonna conquer the world !

Stare in the mirror, happy was me.


Dream
Ths is th wrst cgrtte I've evr tastd
        Entrs lik dmons n my throat
Sdnss wshs ovr me
                       I'm alne in my sin
Nohtng wrties awy the pain
Cept mybe rain or a showr
Drty grl, you let hm do it agin
Again. Why cn't you fight bck?
You ugly whre slap me on my ass
Tell me it'l b alrght nd That i'll nver
Wake
                                                                             Up
                                                                                Again
                                                                                To
                                                                                Dream!


1997 - Apr/May
Story of this Homme us ©SLM & JAG 5-97
Pacing, Waiting in shame
The pain, You gave opening me up
Something, I didn’t gain
Now I’m just a shell of myself
Of who I used to be
A far fucking memory
Setting settling 
Getting kind of spoiled
Now I’m soiled 
What for a stupid reason
Guess it’s killing season
Cause we’re dying
Dropping like flies in the shit
We’ve left for tomorrow
Now the sorrow
We procrastinated
Killed. killing what we’ve created for too long. 

1998 - Apr/May
Portrait       (SLM&JAG 5-10-98)
A lost portrait of our souls done in black and gold
Since the days of old you’ve been singing songs of sadness
Tormented by the future, swinging on a rope of madness
(chorus)
Everyone is stained, everyone is tainted,
Everyone is pained,  everyone is painted.

As I sit in front of you knowing but yet unknown
You know, I know, you know, where this road is going to
Your coined flip and see your fate Your coined flip and see your fate 
Your coined flip and see your fate Your coined flip and see your fate 
(chorus)

1999- Apr/May
Pulling on my heart 5/99
U have lifted me up to the highest of heights
And you have broken me now down to that 1920 gum spot on the ground
U can mention with sharpest of tongues that you think I’m crazy.
But I feel just as free to say I love you baby.
So what am I gonna do now that its over?
What will I do now that you’re gone?
Save these tiny broken pieces of me and carry on.

Pull me apart put me back together again
Pull me apart, put me back together again with you

U, those hurtful words you say, I would like to comment if I may
You are being callous with my precious feelings you and all your shady dealings.
But yet I still want you, still need you so what can I do?

Pulling me apart put me back together
Pull me apart, put me back together again with you. With you.

I am your dolly and this songs for you.
Your Barbie became blimpie because you simply didn’t understand
Her or her ways now you’ve made the sunny days gray
But you know you can change. its not too late
I’m only as deep as the food you ate
So take my off your plate and erect for me a slate because this road is winding and I’m getting irate.

Pull me apart put me back together again with you
Pulling me apart, putting me back together.
Pulling me apart pulling at my heart.

2000 - Apr/ May
Ahhh. The self fulfilling prophecy...nice. Well, needless to say the news we've all been waiting for has finally come. Shahn and I have broken up. It wasn't working, i mean it seemed like it was but the timing and the dynamic was all wrong. So I am now having to move out and tonight (while i am still here) Shahn says things like, "so.. when are u leaving"?  LOL. Funny, we used to say "it never ends" well apparently it is ending...at least that side of us. The past few days have been like a whirlwind for me. I have learned not to make any decisions when I am feeling low. 

I finally saw Alex after months without chilling together. Her and i were speaking about our situation and they are kinda the same but I aint going out like her and Joseph. I am sure Shahn will make a great friend. He already is. Forget it, I am going to work more than ever now! SAve! Spend, Save! and focus on my future. nothing lasts forever. I am ready to go back as soon as Anthony leaves the apartment. 

It will be better for me to not to see Shahn for awhile.I am kinda sad, but i know it is all for the best. I mean he and I could have probably never lasted. Well, thats not true. Who knows what could have happened or will. My gosh, this is turning out to be very long. I know there are no excuses.On yet another lighter note...on to making it big! Photo shoot coming and video shoot and a movie. 
Someday, I hope I will find some one to share it all with.  My music, my interests, my love, my life.  Peace and love. - SLM

2002 - Apr/May
5/02
I have officially gotten my internet service back! It seems when I have been on that all people talk about is SEX though. Even the young ones.. its pic this and pic that. Hottie this and hottie that. How can a 13 year old girl say shes a hottie? 

Maybe its just AOL but I dont think so. I mean every fuckin chat is about hooking up and talking dirty. Is that all we have going for us? I mean doesnt anything else matter but our fuckin' groins? What is wrong with us? are we just bored? IF so, why? Why are we bored? What is boring us? How can we fight it?

I am not bored. I have much to do. Many people to talk to and many things to accomplish. My HS reunion is coming someday damn it! I have decided to go back to school. Things seem to b moving fast in the music right now. Everyone is looking for the next new thing. They think we are it, but I dont want to b someones fucking hobby label signing. I hope lots of people will come to our show and kick ass. 

I am practicing everyday now. We are practicing as a band a lot too cuz im a fucking taskmaster son. We have all seen how helpful it is.
I need to pay my rent so i am getting another part time job. I hate Sprint PCS. I feel like all the companies we use are trying to rob us. I think I am the only one who feels this way - thinks these thoughts. What can i do about it? I wonder. Well, i dont know what else to write maybe i am just being moody. I 'm gonna finish cooking my mac and cheese over here and i will write more later.
Tootles, me

2003 - Apr/May
2003-04- 30 - 4:35 p.m.
I tried using Lissy's cool designs.. nada. It doesnt work. I like this Shawn McDonald. Damn that Chad! Can't stop thinking of him, especially now. The more music he intros me to the more I will thnk of him when hes gone =( Boo hoo. My horoscope was weird today. Hmmmm. Nope. I'm not telling u, diary. He says he's gonna come visit ME on Friday. We'll see. He looked at me like he really was going to miss me yesterday when I left him. I hugged him and his mom goodbye and he was like gimme a kiss. I was like "Your mom?! she might be watching." He said "she knows." Then he asked me to call him and teased me about missing him. He knows I'm going to miss him. He's so damn sure of himself! Grrr. I dont know about him, man. He is sooo confusing. None the less I feel what I feel. I am leaving work but I have alot to say about this. So I'll write more later. =)
love,me (someone, anyone, please..forever)

2003-05- 01 - 4:32 p.m.
So.. Chad isnt coming this Friday. How could I have been so foolish to think that it would actually happen after everything he has told me? I feel like a fuckin ass. I am writing more and more in my band diary e-nymph.com. Which is a good thing.
I cant believe this Chad situation. People are telling me that to give it up and people are telling him to give it up and I don’t know maybe we just should. I mean what did I think? That I would live with him after 2 weeks? We would move in together? How could I not use my head? That he would become another person and not be afraid to leave his house? I have been so dumb.

My hearts' been taking over these last two weeks and I have been acting like a damn child and a fool. Nonetheless I still love him but this is ridiculous. We cannot have anything. I must move on. He lives too far and is ill..I cant even start anything with him bcuz of how ill he is. He did warn/tell me that he felt had nothing to offer me. All I needed from him was his time and love. He doesn’t have that to give either apparently. He is always in pain and doesn’t even take anything to alleviate it. God I am a fuckin idiot. I can’t believe I thought this would actually work. I am being negative or realistic? Hmmm. U tell me.
love, me


2004 - Apr/May
So last night I went home and played guitar for 4 hours straight. I was even able to sing my song while playing. It was great! What a feeling. I finally broke through again. These breakthrough moments happen rarely for me, I’m not like other players.

The first breakthrough was having my fingertips not hurt or bleed for the first time. When I gained my real blisters.  Ahhh. The second was when I started to have less pain in my arms in the playing position. The third was when I began to feel a sense of ownership in holding my guitar, and picking it up. The fourth was when I could finally strum up AND down. The fifth was yesterday when I just was messing around and something else clicked. It was like ok I get it. Maybe the distortion helped but I felt great! God, I love distortion!!! Simultaneously, I learned to strum faster and I learned that certain chords go together really well. Like E to G. wow. Or C to G to D!

Someone might say “ah that’s not a big deal”, but for me it is. I mean these little breakthrough moments make you feel you can do anything afterward. So now I want to play more and learn more. I am at work though. I seriously was tempted to bring in my guitar to play during lunch. Sick, huh? Lol. I want to practice my songs, there is a chance with practice I may actually one day be able to sing and play.. and although that wasn’t one of my goals (I always figured I would just play enough to write and have someone else play while I would sing)…I might just be able to do it!

Yotam this morning was like babe u look so beautiful. Aww. Warmth. I love it. Hope he’s having a great day. My sexy babe. I told him last night about the sex we have been having and how I felt finally. I hope he understood and will take what I said into account.

5/04
OK I have had no time to write today.. more tomorrow. I started another blog at blogger. Today is going by so slow. I lost my computer and now I am at working at someone else’s desk feeling like a stranger. Grrr. Went to Lit last night, met this guy Eric who has VerY nice eyes. Nothing much to say so here is a dumb poem I wrote.

Computer computer, without you I’m dumb
Lost and confused, non coded numb
I miss you already, though it’s only been hours
If you were a person, I would bring you flowers
I have no real friends, and you’ve been with me so long
All this time you think I’d have learned to upload a song
I already miss you, hope you return to me soon
With a new improved video card and a motherboard bloom.

5/2/04
Morning. Not the best of my life. So here's another dumb poem.

She awaits his arrival impatiently. Better Luck Tomorrow in VCR. Yes.
They smile and dance and laugh and eat hummus on an old sofa bed
They go to sleep to soothing sounds of FSOL as he cuddles her warmly
She wakes up crying sometime around 4 am wondering why she is still here

He is startled and tried to calm her with love and affection.
Holds her but she cant hold back the tears
Why does her life continue to go on and in no direction?
What is the purpose of her staying alive?

Success eludes seemingly forever Love is fleeting at best
Talent is lacking and a tease And every day here is a test
She wants it to end. She decides to climb out onto the balcony
Smokes a cigarette as her life goes through her mind

What was it all for? These wasted years. Knowledge is all she has to show for
And what good will that does me when the wrinkles appear and she can’t buy medication or shoes?
Does she jump? No. She cannot even accomplish that feat.
Tattered shoes 3 years old, now a tired face on the subway
The G. What do people see when they look at her she wonders
Do they see her as she is or as a nobody? A snob? A penniless prostitute?
A wanderer? A business woman? A pretty girl?

Someone whose only goal here was to be able to make music and
couldn’t even do that successfully? There is no reason to stay now
Nothing is here for her except let downs and disappointment
When one lives for only one dream one thing to keep them going
And the realization of that thing isn’t possible
There is no other choice, there is no reason to live or to find one.

5/3/04
This is a better day. Awareness. Purity in truth. Sadness in its most potent form.
Armed with depressing conviction that only those who have been here could ever understand.  Loved ones wouldn’t, the friends couldn’t, the family wont. But we don’t live for those people. We live for ourselves, our lives are just those. Our lives. No one pays our bills, dreams our dreams, eats our food, replenishes our bodies, has sex with other people for us, falls in love for us. So please no one judge. No one can care for someone who does not love themselves. I resign to not being loved. I resign to not being cared for. Let’s see what will happen.

I went to therapy yesterday. It was interesting. I hate Oxford they make you give your birthdate. Obviously have the # you are giving them why keep on asking you when u were born? Ugh. My boss is leaving. I don’t know how much more stress I can take right now. This may be the worse time of my life right now. I think I am going through some sort of life crisis and I can’t stop it. Credit card debt. Ugh, glad I don’t have it. What a headache it all seems.

O well. I am still alive. I don’t know if I should be hospitalized. I am thinking about it. Didn’t get to say much today. Didnt want to. Because really? Who else cares but me?

2005 - Apr/May 
4/27/05
Holy shit. I knew this PUSH season was gonna be tough but not this tough! I am soo tired and its only 7:30pm. I have been here for what feels like forever without a break. I feel I must have drafted and filed about 150 contracts in the last 4 hours. My body is worn, my eyes are sore, and my hands and back hurt.

LOL. I wish I had a bf right now who could give me a damn massage. I am waay stressed and this is like day 1 of the hardcore batch which will go on well into next week and this weekend is gonna be sick! How many countries? Over 200 and all of them reneg their shipping contracts this week and next!

Put it this way we have created a folder called Bucket of Blood for the leftover drafts we can’t complete or filings. It is the Bucket of Blood. Ours. I don’t know how I am going to get through if this is how its gonna be and it only will get worse as the week goes on. I am going to have to just not go out, at all even studio cut off til I leave on May 8th. I can’t go out after work and work like this all day.

Let me stop complaining and go look at Miles for awhile. http://www.outernational go and see these guys. Miles has very good lyrics some of the really good ones. Truthfully. I met Miles last night and we hung out til 4am.. after trying to sneak into the Immortal Technique’s show. I am glad we met, he could be a good friend I think. These guys have good lyrics too. damn, write later cuz who has time to talk? not this girl. peace niggaz
-shari

5/­3/­05 
What the hell is up? Ever since this push season really started shit has hit the fan and every day is full of stress. I cannot wait until this legal assignment ends on Friday. I am glad that I got to save money but I am even more glad that this is finally over. I would never want this to be my career because sadly for them, there is no career here. 

Everyone is underpaid and seemingly just content, there is no creativity to this contracts job and I will never be one of those people who takes a nice underpaying or even overpaying “safe” job cuz its close to my house, or because it is easy, or because I don’t have to learn anything new. I am a risk taker, dissatisfied with life until it gives me the grapes I ordered damnit.

I have decided I am not going to get any more phone numbers of people I don’t know. I always fill up my phone with people’s numbers and then for one reason or another I never see them again anyway. Especially guys. If I am meant to see them again, I will. I am not going to go on the fact that I met someone as a basis to take up space in my phonebook.

Tonight I am just lounging around ay home, resting after my crazy week. I wish my DVD player was working & I could watch the video that Miles gave me. Oh well its not so I’m SOL. I will try to write more later.. god, I cant wait to go to CA.

5­/12/­05
Today is a great day! Jello diary! I am going to go to the studio in a bit, Darius is opening his restaurant finally in Brooklyn tonight so the opening should be GT's son!! I am addicted to Meet the Barkers show! LOL. I totally love Travis and Shanna's relationship however fake or real it may be. Thats the kind I want, no more no less!!! 

My stop sign red hair is banging!! I went to renew my drivers license this week and got info on ad classes and all that good shite! I am also meeting with Chris young again to see if maybe we can sell some of these songs and I am going to audition for making the band showas a total joke cuz Rae and Tonya don't think I can get to the finals. Fuck that beeyatch! You forget my name and who I am!! 

Leaving for CA and possibly visiting Mexico w/ Ed May 25th Biznyatch! All you CA people watch out!! Imma a comin! Write more later! LOL. 
love, me

2006 - Apr/May
4­/28/­06
IT is 4aM IN the morning and i am starting a new job tomorrow. I am nervous about it and I cannot sleep. Partially because of nervousness and partially because I am wondering about my relationship with my CA boyfriend.
He is a video game addict that seems to be losing sight of his real life and his previous goals. I love him very much but he is in a business and wants to continue to be in a business of selling drugs and owing people money. I do not trust this or want to be a part of this anymore.

I don’t know that his video game isn't helping him either because it is not paying any of his bills, he refuses to get a job even part time and has only anger towards me when I bring it up to him. This is a person who feels that doing the laundry is a big deal and being nice to me is a chore. We fight often about little and big things and I am getting tired of fighting as well I am sure he is too.

I dont want to continue to live my life in the manner that I am living it but it feels like although he is helping me, this situation of his is also hurting me at the same time. He has serious debt to some not so nice people and is about to incur more to some other people in order to try to make his life better and pay back said previous debtors. However, this to me is stupid and well, lazy. He says he has no time to do things, and has no car because of me, which is partly true, but even when he does he feels there is nothing to do, or wants to just play this video game.

He is consistently concerned with how the gamers feel about him or view him but has no care whatsoever about how RL people in his life such as me and his other friends, are viewing his actions or what he doing about his real life. I think that since all his time and energy is being devoted to a game he plays for more than 1,0­14 hours at a time there can really be no future for him or a real life. 

Frankly, I don’t want to be sleeping alone at 11p­/12a every night, and this is the kind of "night person" he is. A lot of things about this situation and relationship are bothering me and this is the only way I can seem to release it because he is so very defensive whenever I try to talk to him. Yelling, blaming me, getting
physical with me. 

I don’t know what his deal is. But to me the fact that we have been living here now for 2 and half weeks and we have no money for groceries (and when we have, he/we didn’t go shopping for them either) and have almost the exact same setup as he had previously in the other house, is telling me that this is a person objectively who is running away from his problems into a virtual world that has little to no real payoff and is too scared to actually grow up and become responsible (ie: get a job, attempt to get out of this drug business, follow his dreams, seek other financial means, maybe start a savings account,hello?)

With these thoughts in mind I don’t know that this is where I need to be at this point in my life where things like enough calcium, and having things in order are becoming more and more important to me. One thing is to say one wants those things another is to take the steps to actually make these things happen. I feel like I am taking steps and moving forward with the idea that he will too but when all he talks about is a game and how he is paying back this person or working things out to pay back that person... it just seems like an endless run around that he is trapped in, wants to be in, that I don’t want to be in. 

If it is not these people he is working with then it will be some other and in desperation people are likely to do even more stupid things...Being that he is stubborn coupled with lazy... well this could bode very badly. When he works he is a hard worker and he is very smart. but... idk.. hey I will write more later as I need to try and wake up tomorrow and try to make things work for myself at least - then I can help us.
love, me

2007 - Apr/May
Dear Diary, 
I don't belong here. I am losing my mind. This keyboard is not ergonomically correct. I work 20 miles away (13,000 mi. a year) from my home. I want to shut myself in my room where there are no sparkly ads or media. Where there are no people who are beginning to look like not yet cooked 2nd holocaust victims and lemmings to me. I have no money to afford to live in CA and I have no headspace left to fit in anywhere else in this country. I have changed somehow after coming here to CA and I'm not quite sure how or when this exactly happened. It's like a car wreck that I was a part of but don t remember the details. I am not dumb enough to just accept people, places, rules and most things as they are. I question. I inquire. I repel. I demand.

Most people are poor (16 million are living off less than $9,000 a year), but do you care, as the reader? Probably not, because you only really care about yourself and everything as it pertains to you. The rich people are buying 3 or more cars for their dogs, paintings and ipods respectively, not for them to drive but to fit, THINGS in - things, things and more THINGS. Ever acquiring, ever in denial.

I am inundated and attacked with advertising of everything from soap to snow to relationships and it is making me crazy. It is all a LIE. This place is a lie. I hate food shopping, bra shopping, car shopping, not shopping, I hate living. I hate living here. I have not made any progress in my mental state and just when I think I might, I become physically handicapped with yet another fun hurdle to conquer should I so choose. Well HELLO! I don't choose. I fucking opt out. I'm tired of jumping hurdles, thanks though. I'm tired of fucking. I'm tired of people and their idiosyncrasies and catering to them, watching other people cater to others idiosyncrasies, making excuses, shifting blame, lying to themselves. I hate life. I'm tired of being tired.

I cannot get into a loving relationship and it seems I push everyone away - so where is the blueprint for love in this place? Anyone? Bueller? I don t see much of it around or examples of it. They take my words and actions personally (like you do) and mine are generally without thought or care of consequence. I don't belong here. I don't belong. There is nothing or anyone that will ever understand me. For this same reason I think do not understand myself either. 

It's a fucking wonder I look at my so called bank account and still see so much money there. I don't think we should move to a credit society with no cash. I don't think its ok that we are undervalued. No, I don't want to have kids, because I don't want to bring a child into this loveless, everyone for themselves, imma get mine world. Sing it Radiohead! "I DONT belong here".


2008 - Apr/May
The purpose driven life book was given to me. Here is my Day 1:
In spite of all the advertising around me how I can remind myself that this life is really about living for God (my Higher Power), not myself is by limiting my own exposure to media, I can look at view Gods glory in everyday things. I can read the bible? I can pray and speak to Him about my life and listen to his wisdom. Surround myself by others doing the same? 

Day 2 - I am struggling to accept that God uniquely created me because of poverty I was born into, the abuse and addictions from my step dad who taught me no one will ever love me, struggling to accept my pleasure seeking self imbalance, my issues with low self esteem and questioning my own worth as a person from things my dad and other kids at school said to me. My extremely bad choices in men which reflect my dad issues. 

Day 3 - My friends and family would say the driving force of my life is (I asked them) God, Music, happiness, love.

Day 4 - Since I was made to last forever the one thing I should stop doing is: I should stop having sex right now. I should start working on building a relationship only with God and loving and taking care of myself instead of abusing myself. Stop focusing on society and start focusing on the kingdom!

Day 5 - What happened that I now realize was a test from God is coming to the realization of learning how to love and reparent myself. not living recklessly with the gift he has given me. I feel the matter he has entrusted to me is care for myself physically (though I have no idea how) to use my talents for him and to help others. 

Day 6 - How I can change how im living right now is by being more forgiving, and learn to stay quiet or leave the presence of scoffers/mockers. I can start preparing for everlasting life while appreciating the small joys in this one and that these momentary trials are just that, momentary. 

Day 7 - Where I can become more aware of God is morning walks, writing prayers, Bible reading well before bed. 

It was at this time I was pushed down by my ex (who had been abusive to me) and I was seeking special DRX treatment for my back as I was paralyzed from waist down in March of this year and unable to walk or be without pain. I just started talking more and opening up to Karin (my best friend)  began reading the "its called a breakup because its broken" book and started doing the excercises, while attending to the bible and the purpose book. 

This time is actually documented on this same blog.

2009 - Apr/May
Monday thoughts
Sad today, but the girls gonna be alright. I still haven’t heard from him since yesterday. He has not tried to call or talk it out. We all know I am no pro at that myself. There is a chance he doesn’t want to or want to be with me anymore. I am going to try to just give him time to figure things out for himself and what he wants. 

We didn’t officially break up, I just don’t know what’s going and when I don’t know whats up… I figure its probably over. For me, it’s always over, except when its good and great and nice which it seemed it was. 

I realized yesterday I still have issues with sticking stuff out, talking things out, feeling sexually degraded by men and of course, abandonment. I am much better now than I ever was but those feelings are still there because I am still who I am. 
Though granted, I am 100 times less needy than before however, partially because these days it just doesn’t matter to me as much any more when someone leaves me or doesn’t want me and partially because I trust people until they show they can’t be trusted. For me, in reality, there is always someone else.. there is always something else…somewhere else.. 

Last night Che asked me what could possibly come out of us? Me move to RI? Him move to CA? I mean at some point it will have to be either or if we are to be together? Realistically whats the deal? I told Che that I totally would move for him/for anyone if things were great and we had a good healthy relationship and I was happy in it and I think he would do the same. Though it would be better for him here than me there.. career wise. 

Career. That’s something I seriously need to focus on, that, and my Higher Power. What the hell do I want to do with my life? Love aint everything and for some reason, with me, it doesn’t last long either (the relationships that is), so it isn’t very reliable to hang my hat on..Still no contact from him..well, I guess I have to let go at some point.

2010 - Apr/May
Lord Lord I would like to humbly pray that you fill me with your love and happiness. I am feeling sad and lacking though I know this is a machination of the evil one to bring me down. I ask that you give me a heart of forgiveness and love me as only you can do and have time and again. Lord deliver me from this sadness and please gently restore me to my equilibrium. 

I am going to dance tonight and hopefully as always give you the glory in every movement, every thought and every action. I will be wordless. I will be silent and in reverence to you instead of spewing words of anger, dissatisfaction of or contempt. 

I know you have my best dreams and future in your hands and I gracefully give up my attempt at control to you. You are so good God! I only want to be in your arms. I only want to bring you joy. 

If there is some lesson to be learned I ask it speedily. I only want to please you.  Have I made you smile today? I would like to ask that you please please bring those to me in my life who will love only you and put you first. Please allow me to meet someone wonderful with whom I can speak of you and your greatness endlessly and work as a soldier for your will. Hand in hand, arm in arm in pure love. 

Lord remove this jealousy from my heart right now as it is not useful, not kind and a waste of time and my precious moments I have here to serve you. Give me a song to sing a lifting of my heart and caress me gently as only you can and do. I am raw, Lord. I am open. I am vulnerable. I need you. I need only you. Come to me Lord I await you while I read your Word. 

In your holy name I pray and give thanks for the following wonderful blessings and lessons… I give thanks for having my ability to walk today and stand upright with no pain and new strength. I give thanks for legs to dance with and a voice to sing. I give thanks for such great intelligence that all things are possible and those that are not can be learned. I give thanks for my wonderful home and family. I give thanks for you being in my life and guiding my every step though at times I am completely foolish and unaware. I give thanks for having music in my life which may bring me a joy I have been missing and a song in my heart to sing and songs to write FOR YOUR GLORY. 

I give thanks for being able to complete everything I start and having the money to come and go as I please. As I help others Lord , keep me humble and with your path as the only one in my sights. I will choose against the new and shiny things at every which turn…

2011 - Apr/May
Dear Jehovah, 
Where have I been right? Focused on boy :( ! Praise you Lord for your blessings to me! I will work harder at having faith in you and giving up my trials to you for your purpose for me. Lord please bless Ash! I want to lift up Rebecca, Liz, Dave, and the Hope team, Brenda and my friends and family to you for your will as you see fit. PLease allow me to work hard stay focused as I near the end of this semester. I am all over the place, can you see God? Please keep these bills at AWAY from me Lord as I just dont have a job to take care of them yet! I am drowning Lord, and only YOU can save me. I lift my eyes. I give my will over once again. 
In Jesus's Name,
Amen

2012 - Apr/May
Dear Lord,
Wow! You are awesome! I have settled on apt. 2 then and I am happy about it. Jake seems cool. I praise you for my friends Karin, D, Ellis, Wendy and Jasmine also helping me to move in! How blessed I am! Thank you for little things at apt 2 Lord. Parking for the car, my OWN space, a safe neighborhood, close to school and my own bathroom and walk in closet. You are great God. I was freaking out this whole time and you pulled through at the last. Today at the farmers market was inspirational. I enjoyed meeting Ellen and her band. Can I too play one day for people at a farmers market? I wish Harlan Steinberger was still recording artists for free! D, me, Ellis and Free could greatly benefit from a free recording engineer and our sound. 

Jesus, I want to humbly ask for forgiveness for swearing and cursing up a storm today and blaspheming "The Way of the Master". I just do not agree that the only way to "win converts" as he says is by telling them they dont measure up to the 10 commandments. Yes, you are right Jesus. There is no "winning" salvation. Praise you Jesus, ok. Please let me come to know more! Please comfort Roy and let him come to know you. Please show Michael my boss that you are the only way to true happiness and wealth. Please help Asha find consistent work Lord! I pray for all the other Christians suffering and in trials Lord. 

Let me please find a church that puts you first to pray, worship and sing in nearby or wherever I will be living. Forgive me for my foolish heart. if its your will help me make Dean's list Lord. I already have all the A's. What am I doing FOR YOU? 
In Your Name, Jesus
Amen

2013 - Apr/May
Dear Lord,
Thank you so much for today's interview and also for being able to count on my bf and friends in my weakness. For their unending support and belief in me. Your kindness is undeserved on me. Thank you Father. I am sorry for once again lying and also cheating on my test asking bf a math question. Today has been a extremely humbling and a learning experience. 

Please Lord give me a job that I will LOVE! One that pays me well and what I am worth and allows me the time to be releasing my album for women. I humbly ask for my grandparents salvation and for my brother Michael. Thank you for a place to live, food to eat, and a car to get around that still runs (though terribly lol) I am grateful for not being sick and being able to get to job interviews. 

UPDATE: Lord omg, please show me the right job decision. You have blessed me with my choice and I dont want to make a mistake! You know my heart and what I need. Also, for school I have been chosen to write a paper supporting Evolution. Father, help me to win ears and hearts. I need to write this in such a way that is also refuting it simultaneously and put you in it because I don't believe in evolution in the common sense. I believe in YOU and serve you only. Please comfort my father in any grief (he may have) in Jeannette's death and funeral. 
In Jesus's Name,
Amen

This month I can see I was in college striving for A's, looking for meaningful work and decent pay, leanring what it means to say "the Lord is my shepherd" and how "church" WAS NOT" all I need" to be holy or reach spiritual maturity. 

2014 - Apr/May
Dear Father Amazing Father, 
You are so good! Omg. Thank you for my numbers going up of white blood cells so far! These little fights are back thanks to you! H Pylori knocked me but my immune system is NOT compromised, it CAN BE built up!  Thank you for my healing Lord and for the friends you have put into my life. I am so grateful for friends who pray. I thank you for letting ME pray over that woman with the pancreatis inside the hospital with me last night. May her pain continue to be lessened Lord and she come to know you. The Almighty Healer! The one true God. 

Lord, they mentioned at the hospital in my bleeding and ulcerations that if I kept losing blood and the white blood cells did not do what they should I have to get a blood transfusion to live. I denied it, Father. Is this truly of you? Would this have made you happy? You say in the OT to "not eat the blood of any animal or man" - or take in blood but does blood transfusion qualify as the same? If it is my own blood at stake? Please help me to discern and see the truth of this if it is false Father or not and to know for sure. I was fearful of dying and thankfully Freeman respected my wishes to no transfusion but I also did not want to disobey you. Is/was this correct? Where is this in the Word? I know Jesus came to fulfill the Law Father but by no means abolish it - therefore I assume that law stands. I'm confused on this. 

I cant very well follow one law and disobey others. and yet, I'M SURE i'm often disobeying even without knowing it constantly. Thank you for Jesus and undeserved kindness! I know the truth shall set me free and you will confirm it in due time - like you do. Speak for your servant is listening, that I may write and record the truth. 
In Jesus Holy Name, 
Amen 

This month I was just getting over h. pylori infection and had NO IDEA how much my life would change bitten just 2 months after writing this. I was striving to believe in His promises and just understand the Word. 

2015 - Apr/ May 
Dear Lord, 
Thank you for your love through Freeman. What kindness he surprised me with today after I told him about the Lymph system he surprised me by getting me a trampoline and weights! I see your love for me in those things - because I KNOW, that Freeman is imperfect and cannot love like you do - but yet, if this is the way / how he DOES love me, then yours surely is even more! You, who knew me before I was formed in the womb. 

Praise you for my healing today! Thank you for healing me and making me in this skin like new. Thank you for food in my fridge and my car to drive. For a small job tomorrow and MMS and protocol to take. Thank you for baths at Darcy and Julia's and time to figure out what I am going to do about all this and with my life. Thank you for wisdom not to listen to that 1 cup brown rice voice today and learning how to test the spirits. Thank you for increasing my patience - I see that even a loving voice is NOT necessarily yours. It was my own. I pray to further recognize YOUR voice, your personality/character, your wisdom. 
In Jesus Holy Name, 
Amen

This is the month I was well into 6 months suffering with Lyme and many co-infections (which I now know was M, Bart, Babesia, Mycoplasma, viral etc.) 
My 1st Almond Crunch Protein Bar - and sugar free snack attempts
Music Production Course on Coursera and started my first global Whatsapp study group - 100 ppl

Attending Cleansing Stream retreat and being prayer over 1 Thess: may "my whole spirit, body and soul be preserved blameless for the coming of Christ." When I fail I MUST NOT GIVE UP! No soldier enters bootcamp knowing the course or knowing what to do. They undergo intense training - rigorous fitness regimens. So it is with me. Christ is my commander. I am to submit and walk in the spirit. (staying in Word, fellow shipping with others, prayer, praise, thanksgiving, confessions and special time with Him)