absolutely! -

A letter Chris will never receive because I just realized this will only give him glee and satisfaction which compared with the pain I am in - he does not deserve from me.




Chris,
...all those terrible things you had to say about me, and our relationship are absolutely true. Sure, I am so glad you finally realized it. Now please leave me alone, forever.

Just fucking leave me alone.

Friends, only for the healthy people..

Well, it doesn't take long for people to get sick of me. Here I am trying to use these psuedo friendships to springboard some action in assisting to get away from Chris and instead I am only pushing them away with my insanity.

It's really time to go it alone and see how long I can do it before I fucking break. When I say break I mean can't walk again, have no job, no friends, and no way of fucking leaving CA.

No one can do this for me but me. Well, then that means I am gonna just have to do the best I damn can.

Romantic Revisionist

So in order to keep things in perspective I am admonished to remember the bad, because though there may have been bright spots in the relationship, the truth is things changed and its important to remember they did.

"If your ex did any of the following you are no longer allowed to say how great they were because these cancel out any previous good behavior.

He cheated on you.
He belittled you.
He lied to you.
He disappeared on you.
He frequently blew you off.
He had a Kenny G CD.
He was abusive.
He put you down.
He had a girlfriend.
He had a boyfriend.
He stole money.
He hated your family (assuming you like them)
He yelled at you in public.
He was married to someone else.
He though Gigli was a great film.
He hated your friends.
He made out with your friends.
He never appreciated what a total hottie you are!

THE BEST WORST NEWS
The bad news is you have been kidding yourself. The good news is somewhere inside you already knew that. No one wants to admit "I am in love with an asshole" Even if he was great, being great
does not mean that he was great for YOU.

You will find the freedom to kick this in the ass and let go.

:) On my Own Tonight

Kate Nash and I are in the same place.

Foundations
Thursday night, everything's fine,
Except you've got that look in your eyes,
when I'm telling a story And you find it boring you're thinking of something to say.
You'll go along with and then drop it
And you humiliate me, in front of our friends.

Then I'll use that voice what you find annoyin'
And say something like
"intelligent input darlin' why don't you just have another beer then?"

Then you call me a bitch and everyone we're with will be embarrassed,
and I won't give a shit.

[Chorus:]
My fingertips are holding onto the
cracks in our foundations,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And everytime we fight I know it's not right,
everytime that you're upset and I smile
I know I should forget, but I can't.

You said I must eat so many lemons,
'cause I am so bitter.
I said "I'd rather be with your friends mate,
'cause they are much fitter"

Yes it was childish
and you got aggressive
and I must admit that I was a bit scared,
but it gives me thrills to wind you up.

[Chorus]

Your face is pasty,
'cause you've gone and got so wasted,
what a surprise,
don't want to look at your face,
'cause it's making me sick.

You've gone and got sick on my trainers,
I only got these yesterday.
Oh my gosh, I cannot be bothered with this.

Well I'll leave you there till the mornin',
and I purposely won't turn the heating on
and dear God, I hope I'm not stuck with this one.

[Chorus]

And every time we fight I know it's not right,
every time that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

Merry Happy - Kate Nash
Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt form you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret
'Cause I can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt from you
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
(do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do)

Hair Dye New me, Good-bye

So this week I will be dying my hair. I don't have ANY money right now. I need to move my room around and I need to get rid of this sad "ol' Chris" look.

I feel great that I am not that stupid or desperate or fooled by his actions and and anti-action. My judgment is not clouded or wanting, hoping for something better from someone has clearly shown and continues to show they will not and cannot give it. I am rather glad to be alone, and well, actually I have learned I am not completely alone, I have God, myself, my family, the girls, and my doctor. I need to get better acquainted with a special second one of that list. (though I never have before).

I have not made great choices in that regard. My antenna is broken. I thought I was getting a better catch but I just got a "different" bad catch. This one was able to actually see, or pretend to see and want to work on (though he completely deteriorated into the worst person I have ever known, at the end) his own responsibility for at least a few good months.

It is best I find out he was not that into me now, than another lie, another cheat, or another bruise, another high, another let down later. I am grateful for everything we had that was good for the short time it was. I am grateful this was a strong ass message that I really don’t know what I am doing in the relationship arena and that I really deserve better than what I had.

This is what should have happened post-Brandon. This is THAT time. The time that inevitably sneaks up on us no matter how long it takes (1 year and half this time). That time to grieve, to learn, to ask why and be angry, to want to go back in/go backward cuz its scary out here, and then to realize they have already moved on because they didn't care like you did, to be stronger and accept the loss, the abuse and the overall defeat of it all, the bad choices, and then...grow in that strength and make a better choice.

This is THAT time.

Tonight

was great! I had a great time with the girls. A bunch of people called to wish me Happy Birthday. It was soo sweet. Talk about going from completely unlovable in the eyes of one person to obviously loveable in the eyes of many?! The outpour of love was sooo sweet. Even my therapist called and sang me Happy Birthday on my answering machine. Fuck Chris and his inability to care.

I was all set to not show and cancel my time with them, let them know I was too depressed to go, but then I resolved to just leave my house and get there and then leave, but one by one they all showed up, FOR ME.

We proceeded to have a great dinner. Talk about our lives and share in some great conversation. Since one of my wishes was to dance and sing out loud, they made it happen for me! Afterward, we went out and I danced. Not well, because I am still broken, (thanks for the injury present, Chris) but I tried. Yes, I am also going to be sore tomorrow.

Chris is re-negging (as only an asshole would) on paying for my medical bills. He just wants his "things" back. Um, they have been here for over 2 months, suddenly you need them back, like, yesterday? Am I going to have to take his ass to court and press charges, unfortunately to get my just rewards (treatment) from this abuse. Like he asked, I will not be telling him and he will have no heads up.

Its like they said "it can be you or it can be him because sooner or later the calls will stop or they will meet someone else".

Even strangers

are capable of caring more and being more thoughtful about me than the fucking loser men I choose.

I JUST MET these people about 4 hours ago and happened to tell them it was my birthday ..in passing. At 3pm there was a cake slice and a card delivered to my roommates to be given to ME.





This made me cry incredibly hard. Chris NEVER really loved me, nor did he even like me very much. God, I can only think right now and know in my heart that I will be so glad it's over.

Birthday Awesome-ness

So today I get to celebrate the awesome-ness that is me! Alone. And from the mouth of my family that is these qualities.

• my laughter
• my intelligence
• my overall personality
• my beautiful person
• my determination
• my passion
• my considerate nature
• my being very talented
• being a people person/outgoing
• upbeat
• creative/artistic
• my thoughtfulness
• my everything
• my great disposition
• that I always give the best advice
• my being an explorer and adventurous
• my nobility
• I'm very "relate-able"? (that people can relate to me, I think)
• my caring
• my sweet person
• my great heart
• that I'm always changing
• my dedication
• that I'm a survivor
• that I have lots of love
• that the older I get the better I get
• my courageousness and bravery

Something to Remember that you know in your heart is true..

He broke up with me, but says he wants to get back together, He and I have been dating and he says he wants to marry me but hasnt, He is generally drunk or high when we are together but I like him better this way right, He has cheated on me but he insists he didnt know what he was doing or that he didnt mean it and wasnt thinking. but "he says he loves me"..

Do I really deserve a man who isn't capable of thinking of whether he wants his dick in someone else or me?
Do I really want to be with someone who would break up with me, have no regard for my feelings and generally only thinks of himself?

What "I love you" really means:
I am not that into you.
I don't respect you anymore.
I don't want to be in a relationship with you.
I am not going to marry you.
I will be open to using you, but that is all I can commit to.

Because...

He needs a pen pal, a phone buddy, a fuck buddy a something other than a real giving, caring, competent, sober, loving relationship with YOU.

A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If hes not calling you to tell you he loves and wants you it should only be because he has showed up at your new residence to do it in person sincerely. If he's not trying to romance your socks off with dates, flowers, sincere poetry/songs, it should only be because he's too engrossed in his couples counseling workbooks and is prioritizing getting himself back on th right track WITH YOU. He knows what you want, you have already told him many times, if he hasnt done it by now .. its because HE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

If he's not doing any of that, he may "love you", he may "miss you", but ultimately he doesn't AND HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Stop taking his calls, and find someone who really is THAT INTO YOU. Let him really know what its like to live without you.

The reason he "misses you" is because he is choosing every day to be without you. He is choosing to NOT be with YOU. He should miss YOU. YOU are missable. :)

He is sniffing for something better and when he doesn't find it, he gets lonely and comes back to you. Its not that he's into me, its that he is NOT so into being alone sometimes.

Hes just not that into you if:
He's not asking you out
He's not calling you
He's not dating you
He's not having or wanting to have sex with you
He's having sex with someone else
He's only wants to see you when he is drunk or high
He's doesn't want to marry you
He's breaking up with you
He's disappeared on you
He's already married or insane variations on this unavailability
He's a Selfish Jerk, a Bully or a Really Big Freak

Good mornings to me!

Today is a new day. I am not going to accept less that what I deserve. I am realizing Chris is just not that into me AND he was overall just a jerk.

It's ok. I am o.k. with that. I know I deserve better and so does he, he probably kicked himself every day wondering "why the hell is she still with me?" Well, wonder no more! :)

I am off to do something I love. I will be performing tonight in Hermosa Beach for the first time in.. oh a LONG LONG time.

With this, my "Want To Do List"

I want to copy all CDs to my drive and make a breakup CD.
I want to get out in the sun and on the beach this weekend with Anne's wetsuit. Who cares if I will be out and in a brace?
I want to make $300 this week.
I want to go to the bookstore and find things that interest me and read about them endlessly.
I want to write and list all the times that Chris was a jerk to me and why I am now better off.
I want to do 3 things I have been afraid to do in the past.
I want to finish those websites and get myself a domain name and server to host my page on.
I want to enjoy my birthday!

Life Line Comes Through LOUD and CLEAR tonight

"Alone also means available for someone outstanding."

This is my new perception of being alone. Chris had said "you know, make sure this is what you want, I dont want to you to..don't try to come back crying to me in 3 days and saying you want to work things out". "Don't cross the line S of us never having the possibility of getting back together." "We are getting close to that line." "Why don't u come over and fuck me instead..and let's work on our problems" "You want a massage?" Yeah, he sounds real sincere and serious and caring. He really thinks I am that desperate AND stupid.

I am not crossing a line, Chris. I am beginning a new. I am starting over with my dignity and self esteem intact. Meeting with the girls tonight made me see how wrong Chris and I are for each other at this time. Chris has no morals right now, no willingness to change or see how he can improve, no desire for true love. He is only interested in manipulating me, and into having me thinking he is not wrong for what he did and that he "did not mean it" so he can put his own conscience to rest.

"Don't think of it as a path of a breakup or forever. "Just for right now". Just for today. One day at a time. Think of caring for myself today. Of what I want, think and need today. One day at a time."

"It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken".

They said "you are not alone anymore, you have us" and this is about taking care of you, and putting yourself in a position where you can get through this really tough time with some measure of ease. "You are injured, you're jobless, you have had these issues with your boyfriend, and now.. you are starting over. That is a lot to deal with in one shot!" He loved you at one time, he isn't loving you now. Take time." "Talk about it, to everyone!" "Don't hide your feelings or the pain." Do not be worrying about him, what he thinks, what he has said or hasn't said. He is a controller who saw himself having less and less control over you. If that is what he did to you over going surfing and a glass bottle you broke, imagine what else he is capable of? He has stolen from his company, he has lied to you and others, and now he has hurt you physically...and is denying it. You are worth more than what he thinks you are.

60 days. 1,440 hours, 86,400 minutes, lots and lots and lots of seconds, or whatever you want to call it. He said I can't add. I don't know Math. Well, whatever!

"Try and think of it this way: You're giving the time you were spending on him back to yourself as a gift, and he'll get none of it for at least two months while you set up shop as the new you."

Life Line right now

Ladies...How I will need to see you this week. Woke up sad from a dream and scared and alone. I will be strong. I will remember. I will work on myself. I need to reach out where I can actually get support and shut off where the abuse comes in and from.

I need to be planning my birthday and thinking about the future. I do not need to stay depressed about my mistakes. I need my ToDo list and be armed with my self confidence that I am known for. I need to bring back that soldier who gets through the toughest of times through sheer determination and never ending focus.

I will once again.. get better, find work, and move on with my life. I do not need to stay stagnant and worried. I do not need to make any quick hasty decisions.

I just need to love myself, be there for me, take care of myself and watch the love pour in.

Well, its 2pm

What am I doing with myself today? Well, one I can't really walk a lot or sit, so two, not very much. It is giving me time to think about my mistake in rejoining this relationship last year.

It is giving me time to see that Chris has a lot of problems that I should not and cannot and will not deal with any longer. One is his addiction to weed. Two is his abusiveness and tendency to abuse. Three is his lack of respect for morals like thou shall not steal and refusal to accept responsibility and pay people back. Four is his, more apparent now than before, vengeful nature.

And what about me? What are my problems? One is my inability to be alone (which I think this breakup will remedy) two is my need to be compliant/accepted and make things ok , three is my fear of abandonment and mistrust (which is why I did not leave when demanded to). Four is my negative thoughts that constantly plague me. Five is my codependent tendency and anger management issues.

The difference in mine and Chris's problems is that his land him in jail, poverty, debt, and finally death whereas mine can land me only in death by anothers' hand should I allow this to continue.

I seem to want to keep counting. I can count the ways that I will be better off without being in a relationship with Chris.

0) Since he is not going back to Dr. Adams or trying to quit weed on his own, I know that this is a lost battle.
1) I will no longer worry about whether or not he is getting/will be/ high and therefore treat me badly.
2) I will not have to think about his lack of calling me, and sending me emails or showing he cares.
3) I will not feel like I am the only one working on the relationship - always bringing up the issues and asking to work on them.
4) I will see that this abuse has never stopped completely only halted temporarily and would be the same in the future.
5) I will be able to recognize his and my faults after time has passed.
6) I will see him as I see Brandon, someone I would never again want to be with and who did not deserve me.
7) I will be free to learn from these mistakes without the "cloud" of love in the way.
8) I will not have anyone to go to for approval and then be sad when I do not get it because they want "space".
9) I will not have anyone to try to "talk to and be heard" and have that person completely blow me off to do their own thing or just not listen to me as I talk.
10) I will have my own problems to deal with alone.
11) I will be forced to look at myself objectively and spend time with myself.
12) I will be forced to learn what I like, what I want, and what I can do by myself.
13) No more yeast infections or weird breakouts!
14) No more messy room and hairy...everything ---to have sex in!
15) No more stress of wondering, waiting, wanting and wishing about/for him to love me, to be "different".
16) No more of his cop-out "well, we have to just try harder""let's just see what happens" response to how we are gonna fix our problems!
17) There are no more "problems" to fix.
18) No more Nice guy/Bad guy to deal with -- Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

Too bad there was no remorse..

as I told him he had pushed me down, broken my back and hurt my arms, he asked for a ride to work "like now". :(

When I actually saw it, my heart sank and I knew then and there, no matter what he has said, or what he has done, he is not going to change.

Over or Under 30... the Hard Truth

If you are 30 or older, you will think this is hilarious!!!!

If you’re not over 30 or older, you probably won’t think this is as hilarious…but at least learn a thing or two!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what, with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning... uphill BOTH ways yada,yada, yada!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter...with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to
get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids' and the graphics
sucked! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old lady with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your a$$ and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire.... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it
too easy. You're spoiled!!!!!!!!!

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980! Oh yea, and
a seatbelt was Mom throwing her arm across your chest every time
she hit the brakes. :P