What am I most angry about? Am I really angry at him? No. I am angry that I feel I cannot be loved. I am angry that I feel I will not have lasting love or find a relationship where the person will respect me and know that I deserve to be treated with respect. I am angry that I feel I have made so many mistakes with men over and over.. and just keep on making them. I am angry that I allowed someone in AGAIN after being hurt and and they hurt me too. These are all MY FEELINGS though.. and if I am mature about it, I can recognize that I am responsible for them.
Was I expecting more than what is realistic for that person and that situation? He has disappeared. I am getting the flight response of a 20 year old, not a mature adult. I was not really the victim, I broke it off with him because I wanted something more, something better, and because it has not immediately materialized and he just is acting as if nothing happened, I am upset. I wanted him to at least want to be with me, hell even pretend to want to, and he has not met that expectation so I am angry with him.
http://www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/b-anger.htm
Tonight imma try a CHUG-OF happiness: Choice, Harmony, Understanding, Goals & expectations, Optimism, and Focus.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Day 5
Day 5.. I played last night with Oll, Vae and Mal and had such a freakin good time. They are the reason I even play now. I did well by not talkin about Dragg at all.
Sucks that I had to leave the kin, but I explained to them why. I already have 5 invitations to other kins on my server...so now I just need to choose which I will go with and how I want my end game play to be. I'm almost 36, I got my horse yesterday and gave Mal some gold to get his.
I gave this girl Isilin his info and told her to contact him and be my break up online buddy. Part of moving on means not having a online "house" with the person who doesn't care about you or who broke your heart. I started out writing a letter to him for notification of moving his stuff.. the below is what i ended up with. As you can see, I am still in anger mode.
Which do I send? lol... I guess it will depend on how I am feeling at the time tonight.. :D
D,
I don't know why u are acting this way, maybe its cuz ur 20 and you fucking used me for sex, maybe its because you aren't mature enough to fucking be nice to me or to have long ago fessed up that you didn't want to be with me, or maybe you really are as you said just "an asshole and make girls cry", but its obvious to me now that everything you said was a lie, including this house and game so its time to get your things from the chest.
Dragg,
Since you are no longer talking to me and want no more contact w/ me, out of or in this game.. (guess you need time to sort yourself out and not talking to me again is the best way you have figured to do that) I thought it right to give you a couple days to get your little fishy things from the chest in the house.
Dragg,
Since it's obvious you are an asshole who used me. I'm movin on...you need to get your shit out of the "house" chest this week.
D,
Time to move. Get your stuff. Dick.
Sucks that I had to leave the kin, but I explained to them why. I already have 5 invitations to other kins on my server...so now I just need to choose which I will go with and how I want my end game play to be. I'm almost 36, I got my horse yesterday and gave Mal some gold to get his.
I gave this girl Isilin his info and told her to contact him and be my break up online buddy. Part of moving on means not having a online "house" with the person who doesn't care about you or who broke your heart. I started out writing a letter to him for notification of moving his stuff.. the below is what i ended up with. As you can see, I am still in anger mode.
Which do I send? lol... I guess it will depend on how I am feeling at the time tonight.. :D
D,
I don't know why u are acting this way, maybe its cuz ur 20 and you fucking used me for sex, maybe its because you aren't mature enough to fucking be nice to me or to have long ago fessed up that you didn't want to be with me, or maybe you really are as you said just "an asshole and make girls cry", but its obvious to me now that everything you said was a lie, including this house and game so its time to get your things from the chest.
Dragg,
Since you are no longer talking to me and want no more contact w/ me, out of or in this game.. (guess you need time to sort yourself out and not talking to me again is the best way you have figured to do that) I thought it right to give you a couple days to get your little fishy things from the chest in the house.
Dragg,
Since it's obvious you are an asshole who used me. I'm movin on...you need to get your shit out of the "house" chest this week.
D,
Time to move. Get your stuff. Dick.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Day 4
Day 4
I have done well so far on no texting and no calling. I have been tempted but overall been able to be strong. Grrr. Today I am on step 3 of my grief&loss coping. Anger. I am feeling fucking angry. How used I feel. How could this person just not have given a fuck about me? How could they not miss me or think about me and to want to call to see how I am? How could I have made such a grave mistake in character judgement? AGAIN! Wtf? I mean how could he not have just told me long ago hey, I dont really want to be with you!? Why the fuck pretend?
Damnit, why cant I find a genuinely nice fucking guy? One that stays fuckin nice..not just nice until he gets what he wants. How dare he be fine with never calling me again? I am memorable! I am a wonderful girl! And when I met this one, I said all this too. .I knew it was too good to be true...I knew it! Thats what pisses me off the most, is I fuckin knew it. Been there, done that, and I went back anyway. GRRRRRR. He fuckin lied to me.
Again though before I go into ranting and raving, I need to remember that I am good enough and need to keep the focus on people who DO want to call me and do want to be around me. I had an awesome time dancing this weekend and playing LOTRO with Vae yesterday.
My cousin texted me this morning saying "wake up my pookiewookie hunny bunny bear." LOL. Then idk part of me almost cried and the other part of me thought angrily, gosh, how young they start, these little bastards..my cousin is only 14. 14 and already he is "aware". But because its my cousin and not Dan, I am not gonna take it out on him. I texted back thanks and good morning. Aww. What does he know? He just loves me and I'm far away. I am gonna get his little ass to play LOTRO with me since we never got to play WoW together cuz he wasnt doin good in school and they wouldn't let him. I'm close to 35 yay, so I can totally help him level too. The music he is listenin to lately scares me, but maybe I can influence him in other ways by teachin him about music and showing him the many different styles.
Sig and Vince sent me /hugs and /kisses and I feel missed. :D It doesn't take much to make me smile. No more cookies from my boss's office nwo that I am workin out. I think next week is like my 2nd to last week here. Boo.. I have to start lookin for work. I really really want to get a job dancing. I went dancing with Carlos on Saturday and it felt SOOOO GOOOOD. I mean now my body is so sore.. but damn man! I want that to be my job. Go in, dance, have fun, go home, safely and alone. :D
Algebra math starts in exactly 5 days. Whoa.. Miles will be here on the 22-26th and I will have classes awww. Suxorz but I am sure it will be great nonetheless. Miles has me "twittering". What the hell is that, you ask? Good question.. lol. Write more later..
I have done well so far on no texting and no calling. I have been tempted but overall been able to be strong. Grrr. Today I am on step 3 of my grief&loss coping. Anger. I am feeling fucking angry. How used I feel. How could this person just not have given a fuck about me? How could they not miss me or think about me and to want to call to see how I am? How could I have made such a grave mistake in character judgement? AGAIN! Wtf? I mean how could he not have just told me long ago hey, I dont really want to be with you!? Why the fuck pretend?
Damnit, why cant I find a genuinely nice fucking guy? One that stays fuckin nice..not just nice until he gets what he wants. How dare he be fine with never calling me again? I am memorable! I am a wonderful girl! And when I met this one, I said all this too. .I knew it was too good to be true...I knew it! Thats what pisses me off the most, is I fuckin knew it. Been there, done that, and I went back anyway. GRRRRRR. He fuckin lied to me.
Again though before I go into ranting and raving, I need to remember that I am good enough and need to keep the focus on people who DO want to call me and do want to be around me. I had an awesome time dancing this weekend and playing LOTRO with Vae yesterday.
My cousin texted me this morning saying "wake up my pookiewookie hunny bunny bear." LOL. Then idk part of me almost cried and the other part of me thought angrily, gosh, how young they start, these little bastards..my cousin is only 14. 14 and already he is "aware". But because its my cousin and not Dan, I am not gonna take it out on him. I texted back thanks and good morning. Aww. What does he know? He just loves me and I'm far away. I am gonna get his little ass to play LOTRO with me since we never got to play WoW together cuz he wasnt doin good in school and they wouldn't let him. I'm close to 35 yay, so I can totally help him level too. The music he is listenin to lately scares me, but maybe I can influence him in other ways by teachin him about music and showing him the many different styles.
Sig and Vince sent me /hugs and /kisses and I feel missed. :D It doesn't take much to make me smile. No more cookies from my boss's office nwo that I am workin out. I think next week is like my 2nd to last week here. Boo.. I have to start lookin for work. I really really want to get a job dancing. I went dancing with Carlos on Saturday and it felt SOOOO GOOOOD. I mean now my body is so sore.. but damn man! I want that to be my job. Go in, dance, have fun, go home, safely and alone. :D
Algebra math starts in exactly 5 days. Whoa.. Miles will be here on the 22-26th and I will have classes awww. Suxorz but I am sure it will be great nonetheless. Miles has me "twittering". What the hell is that, you ask? Good question.. lol. Write more later..
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Pride
I am so proud of myself. As lonely and sad as I have been the last couple days I did not sleep with Ben last night. I met a cute boy from UCLA while I was at a another party, actually there were a ton of cute boys.. but I digress.
I met Ben yesterday and took him home as we were going to go swimming for kicks at 4 am..to my home..however, when he asked if he could sleep in my bed.. I said No.
I mean I was drunk but I also was like wow.. this is really good. This is a good sign. A sign of progress and self respect. Not only have I gained a great amount of respect for myself, leaving Dan, leaving Chris, but I also have become somewhat protective of my new body, time and ears. :D
Dan was right, I am just weeding out the fucking bad ones and making way for Mr. Perfect. God is growing me.
I met Ben yesterday and took him home as we were going to go swimming for kicks at 4 am..to my home..however, when he asked if he could sleep in my bed.. I said No.
I mean I was drunk but I also was like wow.. this is really good. This is a good sign. A sign of progress and self respect. Not only have I gained a great amount of respect for myself, leaving Dan, leaving Chris, but I also have become somewhat protective of my new body, time and ears. :D
Dan was right, I am just weeding out the fucking bad ones and making way for Mr. Perfect. God is growing me.
Friday, June 12, 2009
New Guy - Day 1
So Day 1 begins today. It's obvious he is no longer the guy that wants to talk to me when he gets home, wakes up and is so into me that he has to call/text or makes time to tell me so. We don't do anything together anymore. He has a phone and doesn't use it. He is not on Skype. He is not communicating with me at all about how he feels except through his action of not communicating and NOT contacting me. He has become just a guy who wants to play a video game with me once in awhile and spend time with me when he has nothing else to do. He also doesn't play with just me, he will leave group with me for his friend Ben and others at pretty much just a beckon.. If I dont call, he wont call and so on and so forth..
The break up book and he;s just not that into you (read it again last night because I caved on the "no contact" rule yesterday by playing in LOTRO with him) says the best thing to do is not see or speak to him and cut all contact and I have not been doing that. It also says I should change my room around so I am gonna work on getting my hair done and my room reorganized this weekend. The point is to take it one day at a time (like any addiction) and focus on the "new". I will be the new me. The "after" me. I will stay busy, focus on loving myself again, thinking about what I want and need, and I will keep in mind that for whatever reason I was just not this person's cup of tea. Even though I want to be stuck in the what is he thinking/feeling? cuz he doesnt talk to me about it, shit...I need to realize HE just ISN'T THINKING OF ME anymore. In between hanging with Alex, tonights dinner, and Jason and Lara's party, Sigs invitation to the pool bbq and seeing my other friends from church topped off with my first "friendly date" (David) since our breakup, I should be pretty busy.
As the book says "sooner or later he will stop taking my calls or meet someone else so just leave him alone already." "He doesnt want me to contact him and he obviously doesnt want to contact me or he would have." "If he wanted to be with me he would have and no broken fingers in the world would stop him from calling and telling me so and asking me out." "Any one word texts or "I miss you's" are just ghosts from a relationship he obviously doesn't want, and you are deeply missable so of course he misses you" and I'm not even getting those so..yeah. If its not, I love you and I want to be with you.. or I'm sorry, I want to work things out and something to that effect, then its clear he still doesn't want to be with me and I'm just being demoted to LD booty call or somethin.
A couple things are happening right now that are makin it easier for me day by day. One, when I sent my finals text telling everyone that I missed them and want to celebrate, EVERY SINGLE person got back to me and said how much they love me too and missed me and why haven't they seen me?! Dihanna has become my breakup buddy and showed me how I overreacted and overreact to Dan's yelling in the game because of my history of abuse and how his yelling pushed that button repeatedly but that realistically also that is the gaming ennvironment and it isnt conducive to peace talks. She was right about that and I realized this happened when I was feeling sensitive on my monthly and so wanted to get back with him and apologize for jumpin the gun but it is too late now he doesnt want to be with me.so now I just need to move on and have been sad since. Two, the loving and caring responses from my text made me realize, dude, all these people obviously care about me and want to be with me, why the fuck am I focusing on one that doesn't even want to make time for me anymore? Three, my family is like letting me lean on them hardcore with my crying and rants.
Even Chris said today "Every time I hear a Michael Franti song I think of your beauty, charm, perseverence and strength. You are awesome" Awww
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoaTl7IcFs8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01FE9cPXE3M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSbdKDL8otc
Sigmund has already clearly taken Dan's place with the "everyday/couple times a day text saying hes thinkin about me" and sadly, I didnt even give him the time of day before..so I cant go with the no one will ever love me again speech.
Every single person in CA is like wanting to be with me right now, and I so need to lean on my friends in this sad time.. so in the book it also says "determine what I will replace with the times I spent with him." Most of our stuff was online, so I am gonna have to try to be offline a lot more for the next 60 days. Coupled with this breakup and losing my job, possibly having to move due to that, my life is about to go through changes.. and to top things off Miles from NY comes next week. =)
So far my list of things neglected when I was with him to be replaced now are:
*working out again (this is important to me, esp now as its time to be a superfox not a sad sally and I was doing this when he and I met)
*dancing more and possibly getting a job dancing for the summer
*getting ready for Math classes
*finding another job
*clearing out the old clutter
*keeping in touch with people and following up on contact with new people I meet
*refold every damn peice of clothing I have-clean out my closet
*make all those compilation CD's I've been wanting to make
*dust off my guitar, and the music programs I deleted to install LOTRO and play with him
Instead of calling/texting him I will call:
pray to God (I was even distracted from spending time w/ God bein with this guy)
Di
Karin
Alex
David
Sig
Momma
The break up book and he;s just not that into you (read it again last night because I caved on the "no contact" rule yesterday by playing in LOTRO with him) says the best thing to do is not see or speak to him and cut all contact and I have not been doing that. It also says I should change my room around so I am gonna work on getting my hair done and my room reorganized this weekend. The point is to take it one day at a time (like any addiction) and focus on the "new". I will be the new me. The "after" me. I will stay busy, focus on loving myself again, thinking about what I want and need, and I will keep in mind that for whatever reason I was just not this person's cup of tea. Even though I want to be stuck in the what is he thinking/feeling? cuz he doesnt talk to me about it, shit...I need to realize HE just ISN'T THINKING OF ME anymore. In between hanging with Alex, tonights dinner, and Jason and Lara's party, Sigs invitation to the pool bbq and seeing my other friends from church topped off with my first "friendly date" (David) since our breakup, I should be pretty busy.
As the book says "sooner or later he will stop taking my calls or meet someone else so just leave him alone already." "He doesnt want me to contact him and he obviously doesnt want to contact me or he would have." "If he wanted to be with me he would have and no broken fingers in the world would stop him from calling and telling me so and asking me out." "Any one word texts or "I miss you's" are just ghosts from a relationship he obviously doesn't want, and you are deeply missable so of course he misses you" and I'm not even getting those so..yeah. If its not, I love you and I want to be with you.. or I'm sorry, I want to work things out and something to that effect, then its clear he still doesn't want to be with me and I'm just being demoted to LD booty call or somethin.
A couple things are happening right now that are makin it easier for me day by day. One, when I sent my finals text telling everyone that I missed them and want to celebrate, EVERY SINGLE person got back to me and said how much they love me too and missed me and why haven't they seen me?! Dihanna has become my breakup buddy and showed me how I overreacted and overreact to Dan's yelling in the game because of my history of abuse and how his yelling pushed that button repeatedly but that realistically also that is the gaming ennvironment and it isnt conducive to peace talks. She was right about that and I realized this happened when I was feeling sensitive on my monthly and so wanted to get back with him and apologize for jumpin the gun but it is too late now he doesnt want to be with me.so now I just need to move on and have been sad since. Two, the loving and caring responses from my text made me realize, dude, all these people obviously care about me and want to be with me, why the fuck am I focusing on one that doesn't even want to make time for me anymore? Three, my family is like letting me lean on them hardcore with my crying and rants.
Even Chris said today "Every time I hear a Michael Franti song I think of your beauty, charm, perseverence and strength. You are awesome" Awww
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoaTl7IcFs8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01FE9cPXE3M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSbdKDL8otc
Sigmund has already clearly taken Dan's place with the "everyday/couple times a day text saying hes thinkin about me" and sadly, I didnt even give him the time of day before..so I cant go with the no one will ever love me again speech.
Every single person in CA is like wanting to be with me right now, and I so need to lean on my friends in this sad time.. so in the book it also says "determine what I will replace with the times I spent with him." Most of our stuff was online, so I am gonna have to try to be offline a lot more for the next 60 days. Coupled with this breakup and losing my job, possibly having to move due to that, my life is about to go through changes.. and to top things off Miles from NY comes next week. =)
So far my list of things neglected when I was with him to be replaced now are:
*working out again (this is important to me, esp now as its time to be a superfox not a sad sally and I was doing this when he and I met)
*dancing more and possibly getting a job dancing for the summer
*getting ready for Math classes
*finding another job
*clearing out the old clutter
*keeping in touch with people and following up on contact with new people I meet
*refold every damn peice of clothing I have-clean out my closet
*make all those compilation CD's I've been wanting to make
*dust off my guitar, and the music programs I deleted to install LOTRO and play with him
Instead of calling/texting him I will call:
pray to God (I was even distracted from spending time w/ God bein with this guy)
Di
Karin
Alex
David
Sig
Momma
Thursday, June 11, 2009
If I were not me which I am but if I were not, what would I say to myself?
If i were to ask my own advice, removed from the situation and these feelings, what would I tell myself?
well let see, you met a boy online..who lived in RI. you were with him for 3 short months.. a guy you only talked on stream to because his name sounded like a musical note. You happened to get along with this boy and were lonely at the time because of your previous breakup and he was in the
same situation getting over an ex. You found out he was younger than you, and lied about your age.
Shortly afterward you noticed that he drank a lot with his friends, and didnt speak nicely of girls in general. This boy continued to pursue you after you initially told him you didnt want to get involved or have feelings for someone who lived far away. Then as you were getting closer he asked you to hang out with him (online, of course) and instead he went out with his friends and left you waiting the entire night. apologized and said he would not do that again. During this time he is in college, plays violent video games more than 4 hours a day and is a creative type.
Then a couple weeks later as you were talking to him outside on your cell phone he raised his voice to you. You again gave him another chance right around your birthday and issued a warning not to do that ever again..he stopped drinking during this time and no longer left you for his friends..you began pushing him to come and meet you as you both talked more and more online and spent copious amounts of time "together". He was a sweetheart for much of the time and listened to you and made kind gestures such as calling and texting many times a day to make the distance bearable..and show he "cared."
Then he came to CA to see you.. he immediately kissed you and you two were inseparable and sensual and added that element to your "relationship". Then he left and you were afraid something bad was going to happen or that he wouldnt talk to you anymore, but he kept on talking to you as tension mounted with the distance getting stronger.. then he stopped talking to you by phone as he is a child and still had to ask his family permission to use the phone they bought him.
Around this time you and he had a couple arguments and he began raising his voice again you warned him a second time and he again apologized and said he would not do it again..he also started talking to his ex gf and you told him this was unacceptable and that you didnt feel good about it. he then promised to stop talking to her and did... temporarily, until you told him the truth about your age lie.. he again began talking to her and started paying more attention to you at your new request.. then he again raised his voice when you were playing together..
he said he was talking to someone else, but it was you he insulted.. he said he felt alot of "pressure" from you and your kin leader.. and that he doesn't like it when you act like he is attacking you or you behave like he is going to leave you all the time.. this was true and you did feel this way...and did say these things to him..
Now my own advice, if I were not me...my advice to someone who told me the above...
one sounds like this guy is too young for you
two if hes yellin now... he will prob always behave that way when under pressure.. is that what you want? do you really want some little hothead for the long term when you have real adult problems to deal with and need compassion, understanding and communication?
three you already gave him 2 chances.. how many more are you gonna give? the guy cant talk things out calmly so instead raises his voice to intimidate..or withdraws .. really, you feel you cant get any better guy than this?
four he was prob awesome and really really cute at first due to infatuation, but things clearly have turned sour..and you need to let go now
five he doesn't even live near you so get your ass in gear, get out there, focus on you and meet other guys who will not yell at you
six this guy has shown he doesn't keep his word, he may have cared about you but he's bad at it, and he doesn't meet your needs
seven what is it about you that is attracted to this guy and why? you need to take a look at that.. so you dont keep makin the same bad choices
eight take a look at what things you enjoyed about being with him and what things you could learn from that YOU DID to cause this breakup
also..more to come..
well let see, you met a boy online..who lived in RI. you were with him for 3 short months.. a guy you only talked on stream to because his name sounded like a musical note. You happened to get along with this boy and were lonely at the time because of your previous breakup and he was in the
same situation getting over an ex. You found out he was younger than you, and lied about your age.
Shortly afterward you noticed that he drank a lot with his friends, and didnt speak nicely of girls in general. This boy continued to pursue you after you initially told him you didnt want to get involved or have feelings for someone who lived far away. Then as you were getting closer he asked you to hang out with him (online, of course) and instead he went out with his friends and left you waiting the entire night. apologized and said he would not do that again. During this time he is in college, plays violent video games more than 4 hours a day and is a creative type.
Then a couple weeks later as you were talking to him outside on your cell phone he raised his voice to you. You again gave him another chance right around your birthday and issued a warning not to do that ever again..he stopped drinking during this time and no longer left you for his friends..you began pushing him to come and meet you as you both talked more and more online and spent copious amounts of time "together". He was a sweetheart for much of the time and listened to you and made kind gestures such as calling and texting many times a day to make the distance bearable..and show he "cared."
Then he came to CA to see you.. he immediately kissed you and you two were inseparable and sensual and added that element to your "relationship". Then he left and you were afraid something bad was going to happen or that he wouldnt talk to you anymore, but he kept on talking to you as tension mounted with the distance getting stronger.. then he stopped talking to you by phone as he is a child and still had to ask his family permission to use the phone they bought him.
Around this time you and he had a couple arguments and he began raising his voice again you warned him a second time and he again apologized and said he would not do it again..he also started talking to his ex gf and you told him this was unacceptable and that you didnt feel good about it. he then promised to stop talking to her and did... temporarily, until you told him the truth about your age lie.. he again began talking to her and started paying more attention to you at your new request.. then he again raised his voice when you were playing together..
he said he was talking to someone else, but it was you he insulted.. he said he felt alot of "pressure" from you and your kin leader.. and that he doesn't like it when you act like he is attacking you or you behave like he is going to leave you all the time.. this was true and you did feel this way...and did say these things to him..
Now my own advice, if I were not me...my advice to someone who told me the above...
one sounds like this guy is too young for you
two if hes yellin now... he will prob always behave that way when under pressure.. is that what you want? do you really want some little hothead for the long term when you have real adult problems to deal with and need compassion, understanding and communication?
three you already gave him 2 chances.. how many more are you gonna give? the guy cant talk things out calmly so instead raises his voice to intimidate..or withdraws .. really, you feel you cant get any better guy than this?
four he was prob awesome and really really cute at first due to infatuation, but things clearly have turned sour..and you need to let go now
five he doesn't even live near you so get your ass in gear, get out there, focus on you and meet other guys who will not yell at you
six this guy has shown he doesn't keep his word, he may have cared about you but he's bad at it, and he doesn't meet your needs
seven what is it about you that is attracted to this guy and why? you need to take a look at that.. so you dont keep makin the same bad choices
eight take a look at what things you enjoyed about being with him and what things you could learn from that YOU DID to cause this breakup
also..more to come..
Life is hard enough without having to find someone difficult to share it with..
These times after a break up suck. I have been acting foolsihly with a boy.
He said just give him a break. A break. Ok. I will give u a break. The hes just not that into you book and get over a breakup book says "do not to or see him for 60 days", yet I play the video game with him, and he is in my kin. What do I do? it IS hurting me that things are not as they were..so I need to determine how I will play but not see/talk to him. It hurts me that he just doesnt seem to give me attention, but I am going to leave it be because really I cant force him and obviously he has given up all the shit he said he wanted to do with me.
Last night Vae metioned how he used to talk about me all the time in class.. now.. nothing. He doesnt even talk about me, or to me. You can bet hes talking to someone though, and its prob Becky, Miles or someone new. Vae mentioned maybe he is jealous. jealous. Yeah right? Jealous of what? He doesn't talk to me or hang out with me even in game... whats there to be jealous of if you dont even see someone or know what they are up to? As the book says, looks to me like he is acting very much like a guy thats "just not that into me".
If i were to ask my own advice, removed from the situation and these feelings, what would I tell myself? I'm gonna think about that later. In other news, my good ol Miles from NYC is coming on to LA from his national tour with his band Outernational and he is gonna be visting me and we are gonna hang out again. He said he has missed me. Yay! At least someone has...
Though I dont talk to Connie Jean anymore after our fiasco in San Diego, I cant help but listen to her version of Sweet Lorraine and her Santa Cruz surf song. Thinking that these songs are so much like my own life and view right now.
Sweet lorraine the fiery haired brown eyed schemer
Who came from a long line of drinkers and dreamers
Who knew that sunshine dont hold up to dark
Whose businesses failed, who slept in the park
Lorraine who spoke of paintings in Paris
And outlandish things to her family just to scare us
Whose heart went pokin where it shouldnt ought
Whose mother could only spit at the thought of
Lorraine, sweet lorraine
Her father father would tear out like a page of the bible
Then he'd burn down the house to announce his arrival
Her mother was working and never was home
Lorraine carved out a little life of her own
Lorraine started working, lorraine went to school
Her mother threw stones at her on the day that she moved
Now isnt that a very strange thing to do for someone who never really wanted you
Lorraine, sweet lorraine
Her daddy called her a slut and a whore
On the night before her wedding day
The very next morning at the church
Her daddy gave lorraine away
Lorraine, sweet lorraine
In the battle of time in the battle of will
Its only your hope and your heart that gets killed
And it gets harder and harder lorraine, to believe in magic
When what came before you is so very tragic
Lorraine, sweet lorraine
Lorraine, sweet lorraine
"Sometimes you fight so hard for a wave you just can't get, sometimes u stand right up and you dont know what you did"
"When you left to go halfway to Timbuktu, I spent my winter days.. surfing Santa Cruz.. "
He said just give him a break. A break. Ok. I will give u a break. The hes just not that into you book and get over a breakup book says "do not to or see him for 60 days", yet I play the video game with him, and he is in my kin. What do I do? it IS hurting me that things are not as they were..so I need to determine how I will play but not see/talk to him. It hurts me that he just doesnt seem to give me attention, but I am going to leave it be because really I cant force him and obviously he has given up all the shit he said he wanted to do with me.
Last night Vae metioned how he used to talk about me all the time in class.. now.. nothing. He doesnt even talk about me, or to me. You can bet hes talking to someone though, and its prob Becky, Miles or someone new. Vae mentioned maybe he is jealous. jealous. Yeah right? Jealous of what? He doesn't talk to me or hang out with me even in game... whats there to be jealous of if you dont even see someone or know what they are up to? As the book says, looks to me like he is acting very much like a guy thats "just not that into me".
If i were to ask my own advice, removed from the situation and these feelings, what would I tell myself? I'm gonna think about that later. In other news, my good ol Miles from NYC is coming on to LA from his national tour with his band Outernational and he is gonna be visting me and we are gonna hang out again. He said he has missed me. Yay! At least someone has...
Though I dont talk to Connie Jean anymore after our fiasco in San Diego, I cant help but listen to her version of Sweet Lorraine and her Santa Cruz surf song. Thinking that these songs are so much like my own life and view right now.
Sweet lorraine the fiery haired brown eyed schemer
Who came from a long line of drinkers and dreamers
Who knew that sunshine dont hold up to dark
Whose businesses failed, who slept in the park
Lorraine who spoke of paintings in Paris
And outlandish things to her family just to scare us
Whose heart went pokin where it shouldnt ought
Whose mother could only spit at the thought of
Lorraine, sweet lorraine
Her father father would tear out like a page of the bible
Then he'd burn down the house to announce his arrival
Her mother was working and never was home
Lorraine carved out a little life of her own
Lorraine started working, lorraine went to school
Her mother threw stones at her on the day that she moved
Now isnt that a very strange thing to do for someone who never really wanted you
Lorraine, sweet lorraine
Her daddy called her a slut and a whore
On the night before her wedding day
The very next morning at the church
Her daddy gave lorraine away
Lorraine, sweet lorraine
In the battle of time in the battle of will
Its only your hope and your heart that gets killed
And it gets harder and harder lorraine, to believe in magic
When what came before you is so very tragic
Lorraine, sweet lorraine
Lorraine, sweet lorraine
"Sometimes you fight so hard for a wave you just can't get, sometimes u stand right up and you dont know what you did"
"When you left to go halfway to Timbuktu, I spent my winter days.. surfing Santa Cruz.. "
Thursday, June 4, 2009
DECISIONS
6-4
I WAS WRONG. IT IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, THOUGH IT WAS SAFER THAN PREVIOUS ONES. THERE WE HEALTHY ASPECTS. DFLATT AGAIN. WE HAD A FALLING OUT UNFORTUNATELY HE DID NOT LEARN FROM THE FIRST AND SECOND ENCOUNTERS AND I JUST CANT LET THERE BE A THIRD. I REALLY AM GONNA MISS HIM BEING MY BF. IT IS CLEAR HE DOESNT RESPECT ME AND THIS IS WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I DECIDED BEFORE I AM TEMPTED TO "LET THINGS GO" ONCE MORE AND TRY TO THINK ABOUT FORGIVENESS (WHICH GETS ME INTO TROUBLE MANY TIMES) I AM NOT GOING TO FORGIVE IN THE WAY THAT I HAVE IN THE PAST BECAUSE THAT LEAVES ROOM FOR COMING BACK AND IT SHOULDNT.
THERE IS NO MORE CHANCES. HE AGAIN SAID SORRY FOR YELLING AND THAT HE LOVED ME AND THEN JUST CONTINUED HIS SHIT WITH THE KIN CHAT WITH NO REMORSE. THIS WAS YELLING, SUCH A REMINDER THAT WAS OF CHRIS. WHEN CHRIS PUSHED ME I SAID TO HIM HEY YOU BRUISED ME AND YOU HURT ME... AND WHAT DID HE SAY? I AM SO SORRY! YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU... CAN YOU FUCKING TAKE ME TO WORK?
I KNEW THEN AND WAS QUICKLY REMINDED OF IT BY DFLATTS ACTIONS - I KNOW WHAT NO REMORSE LOOKS LIKE AND IT WAS PRETTY CLEAR. HE DOES NOT RESPECT ME. HOWEVER, I HAD SEEN THE WAY HE SPOKE TO OTHERS AN HOW HE HAD INITIALLY WARNED ME SUBCONCIOUSLY, "I DONT KNOW WHY IM SO NICE TO YOU, I'M NOT THIS NICE TO OTHER GIRLS" HE HAS SAID IF I RECALL CORRECTLY. HE HAD ALSO MENTIONED HOW HE MADE OTHER GIRLS CRY... MHHMM NO, YOU ARE NOT THAT NICE TO OTHER GIRLS, AND NOW, THAT I AM WITH YOU, NOW, THAT I LOVE YOU, YOU ARE NOT NICE TO ME EITHER. BECAUSE EVENTUALLY WHEN STRANGERS BECOME FRIENDS, YOUR TREATMENT OF THEM CHANGES TO THAT OF HOW YOU TREAT YOUR FRIENDS.. GOOD AND BAD.
I CANT HELP THINK THAT THE FIRST TIME I FORGAVE HIM WAS MY MISTAKE, HE JUST FELT HE COULD GO ON DOING IT I GUESS. BUT I KNOW BETTER.. ANYWAY FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES I DID A BREAKDOWN. AND TO HIS CREDIT YES, MANY TIMES IN BETWEEN THE BELOW ..WAS VERY VERY NICE FOR US, DREAMY EVEN.
MARCH 8 - MEET DFLATT
SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN THIS TIME HE LEFT ME TO GO HANG WITH HIS FRIENDS AFTER SAYIN HE WANTED TO BE WITH ME
MARCH 29 - SPEND BDAY WITH DFLATT - WE MADE UP
APRIL 5 - ON THE PHONE WITH HIM, HE RAISED HIS VOICE TO ME AMONG OTHER FLAGS I NOTICED - I STOPPED TALKING TO HIM FOR 3 DAYS
MAY 1 - DAN IS TALKING TO HIS EX, I EXPRESS IT BOTHERS ME AND HE SAYS HE WILL NOT TALK TO HER ANYMORE
MAY 3 - DAN SAID SOMETHING THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE A FREAKIN OBJECT AND NOT A PERSON - WE TALKED IT OUT, I EXPRESSED I DID NOT WANT HIM TO DO IT AGAIN - I FORGAVE HIM
MAY 17 - HE AGAIN RAISED HIS VOICE TO ME ON SKYPE - WE TALK IT OUT AND I AGAIN FORGIVE AND GIVE HIM A WARNING
MAY 25 - DAN AGAIN DOES SOMETHING OBJECTIVE, SEXUAL AND I FEEL DEGRADED AND USED STOP TALKING TO HIM FOR 5 DAYS
MAY 30 - I TELL DAN I LIED TO HIM - HE FORGIVES ME AND STARTS AGAIN TALKING TO HIS EX
JUNE 3 - DAN AGAIN RAISES HIS VOICE TO ME IN SKYPE WHILE WE ARE PLAYING LOTRO TOGETHER
SHOULD THIS GO ON, SHOULD I HAVE ALLOWED THIS, THERE IS/THERE WOULD BE A PATTERN. IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT BOTH OF THE TIMES THAT HE RAISED HIS VOICE TO ME AND I DECIDED TO STOP TALKING I WAS ON MY MR. MONTHLY AND QUITE THE SENSITIVE ONE.
HOWEVER, A PATTERN IS A PATTERN AND I WILL NOT LET THIS ONE GO ON ANY LONGER..ESP BECAUSE I KNOW THIS PATTERN AND WHERE IT CAN LEAD. HE DOESNT. HE JUST THINKS I THINK BADLY OF HIM AND THEN GOES OFF ON HIS "YOU SHOULDNT BE WITH ME", "I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON' TANGENT. MAYBE HE IS TELLING ME SOMETHING.. AGAIN..SUBCONCIOUSLY..
THERE ISN'T A REASON IN THE WORLD WHY I SHOULD CONTINUE TO FORGIVE HIM OR ANYONE WHO DOES THIS, BECAUSE HE KEEPS ON DOING THE SAME THING AND YET BECAUSE OF MY RELATING CAPACITY, I WOULD ONLY BE ABLE TO SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS THAT IF IT IS MARKED ON A CALENDAR AND LOOKED AT. BECAUSE I, WE, PEOPLE FORGET THINGS SOMETIMES OR SOMETIMES REFUSE TO SEE HOW OFTEN SOMETHING HAPPENS TO US OR HOW OFTEN WE DO SOMETHING TO SOMEONE ELSE. BUT WHEN IT IS THERE IN B&W THERE IS NO DENYING FACTS.
NOTWITHSTANDING ALL THAT I JUST SAID, I TOO, WAS THE CULPRIT IN ALL OF THIS. OF COURSE, HE HAS A SIDE AS WELL, HE GETS FRUSTRATED THAT HE FEELS I THINK HE IS OFTEN ATTACKING ME, OR IS ABANDONING ME OR DOESNT CARE FOR ME. THIS IS TOTALLY TRUE. I AM GUILTY OF THOSE FEELINGS AND EXPRESSIONS TO HIM. I HAVE ISSUES WHICH WE ALL KNOW OF BY NOW ONE ONLY NEEDS TO READ MY BLOG TO KNOW THIS.. BUT OBVIOUSLY THE WAY HE HANDLES THIS FRUSTRATION IS TO RAISE HIS VOICE TO ME AND REACT IN A SARCASTIC OR MEAN WAY INSTEAD OF HEALTHY AND TALKING IT OUT.
HIS REACTION ALSO AFFECTS MY REACTION AND VICE VERSA WHICH BECOMES A CHAIN REACTION OF US ANGRY OR FRUSTRATED AND BEING ON OPPOSITE SIDES INSTEAD OF THE SAME SIDE. WHAT IS CLEAR TO ME AT THIS EARLY STAGE, IS I DONT HAVE COMMUNICATION ABILITY, I DONT HAVE THE WILL TO COMPROMISE AND I CAN'T SOLVE OUR "ISSUES" ALONE. WHY WOULD I CONTINUE ON THIS PATH/PATTERN? I THINK WE BOTH SUFFER SIMILAR WAYS AND REACT SIMILARLY WHICH IS WHAT MADE US COMPATIBLE BUT CLEARLY NOT IN THE HEALTHEST WAY..
OTHER KEYS TO THIS THAT I LEARNED IS TO TRY TO STOP BEING REACTIVE AND INSTEAD BE PROACTIVE IN FINDING SOLUTIONS WITH PEOPLE, AND NOT ALWAYS THINK SOMEONE IS ATTACKING ME. I ALSO LEARNED THIS. WRITE MORE LATER.. GOTTA EAT AND TAKE CARE OF MYSELF..
I WAS WRONG. IT IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, THOUGH IT WAS SAFER THAN PREVIOUS ONES. THERE WE HEALTHY ASPECTS. DFLATT AGAIN. WE HAD A FALLING OUT UNFORTUNATELY HE DID NOT LEARN FROM THE FIRST AND SECOND ENCOUNTERS AND I JUST CANT LET THERE BE A THIRD. I REALLY AM GONNA MISS HIM BEING MY BF. IT IS CLEAR HE DOESNT RESPECT ME AND THIS IS WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I DECIDED BEFORE I AM TEMPTED TO "LET THINGS GO" ONCE MORE AND TRY TO THINK ABOUT FORGIVENESS (WHICH GETS ME INTO TROUBLE MANY TIMES) I AM NOT GOING TO FORGIVE IN THE WAY THAT I HAVE IN THE PAST BECAUSE THAT LEAVES ROOM FOR COMING BACK AND IT SHOULDNT.
THERE IS NO MORE CHANCES. HE AGAIN SAID SORRY FOR YELLING AND THAT HE LOVED ME AND THEN JUST CONTINUED HIS SHIT WITH THE KIN CHAT WITH NO REMORSE. THIS WAS YELLING, SUCH A REMINDER THAT WAS OF CHRIS. WHEN CHRIS PUSHED ME I SAID TO HIM HEY YOU BRUISED ME AND YOU HURT ME... AND WHAT DID HE SAY? I AM SO SORRY! YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU... CAN YOU FUCKING TAKE ME TO WORK?
I KNEW THEN AND WAS QUICKLY REMINDED OF IT BY DFLATTS ACTIONS - I KNOW WHAT NO REMORSE LOOKS LIKE AND IT WAS PRETTY CLEAR. HE DOES NOT RESPECT ME. HOWEVER, I HAD SEEN THE WAY HE SPOKE TO OTHERS AN HOW HE HAD INITIALLY WARNED ME SUBCONCIOUSLY, "I DONT KNOW WHY IM SO NICE TO YOU, I'M NOT THIS NICE TO OTHER GIRLS" HE HAS SAID IF I RECALL CORRECTLY. HE HAD ALSO MENTIONED HOW HE MADE OTHER GIRLS CRY... MHHMM NO, YOU ARE NOT THAT NICE TO OTHER GIRLS, AND NOW, THAT I AM WITH YOU, NOW, THAT I LOVE YOU, YOU ARE NOT NICE TO ME EITHER. BECAUSE EVENTUALLY WHEN STRANGERS BECOME FRIENDS, YOUR TREATMENT OF THEM CHANGES TO THAT OF HOW YOU TREAT YOUR FRIENDS.. GOOD AND BAD.
I CANT HELP THINK THAT THE FIRST TIME I FORGAVE HIM WAS MY MISTAKE, HE JUST FELT HE COULD GO ON DOING IT I GUESS. BUT I KNOW BETTER.. ANYWAY FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES I DID A BREAKDOWN. AND TO HIS CREDIT YES, MANY TIMES IN BETWEEN THE BELOW ..WAS VERY VERY NICE FOR US, DREAMY EVEN.
MARCH 8 - MEET DFLATT
SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN THIS TIME HE LEFT ME TO GO HANG WITH HIS FRIENDS AFTER SAYIN HE WANTED TO BE WITH ME
MARCH 29 - SPEND BDAY WITH DFLATT - WE MADE UP
APRIL 5 - ON THE PHONE WITH HIM, HE RAISED HIS VOICE TO ME AMONG OTHER FLAGS I NOTICED - I STOPPED TALKING TO HIM FOR 3 DAYS
MAY 1 - DAN IS TALKING TO HIS EX, I EXPRESS IT BOTHERS ME AND HE SAYS HE WILL NOT TALK TO HER ANYMORE
MAY 3 - DAN SAID SOMETHING THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE A FREAKIN OBJECT AND NOT A PERSON - WE TALKED IT OUT, I EXPRESSED I DID NOT WANT HIM TO DO IT AGAIN - I FORGAVE HIM
MAY 17 - HE AGAIN RAISED HIS VOICE TO ME ON SKYPE - WE TALK IT OUT AND I AGAIN FORGIVE AND GIVE HIM A WARNING
MAY 25 - DAN AGAIN DOES SOMETHING OBJECTIVE, SEXUAL AND I FEEL DEGRADED AND USED STOP TALKING TO HIM FOR 5 DAYS
MAY 30 - I TELL DAN I LIED TO HIM - HE FORGIVES ME AND STARTS AGAIN TALKING TO HIS EX
JUNE 3 - DAN AGAIN RAISES HIS VOICE TO ME IN SKYPE WHILE WE ARE PLAYING LOTRO TOGETHER
SHOULD THIS GO ON, SHOULD I HAVE ALLOWED THIS, THERE IS/THERE WOULD BE A PATTERN. IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT BOTH OF THE TIMES THAT HE RAISED HIS VOICE TO ME AND I DECIDED TO STOP TALKING I WAS ON MY MR. MONTHLY AND QUITE THE SENSITIVE ONE.
HOWEVER, A PATTERN IS A PATTERN AND I WILL NOT LET THIS ONE GO ON ANY LONGER..ESP BECAUSE I KNOW THIS PATTERN AND WHERE IT CAN LEAD. HE DOESNT. HE JUST THINKS I THINK BADLY OF HIM AND THEN GOES OFF ON HIS "YOU SHOULDNT BE WITH ME", "I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON' TANGENT. MAYBE HE IS TELLING ME SOMETHING.. AGAIN..SUBCONCIOUSLY..
THERE ISN'T A REASON IN THE WORLD WHY I SHOULD CONTINUE TO FORGIVE HIM OR ANYONE WHO DOES THIS, BECAUSE HE KEEPS ON DOING THE SAME THING AND YET BECAUSE OF MY RELATING CAPACITY, I WOULD ONLY BE ABLE TO SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS THAT IF IT IS MARKED ON A CALENDAR AND LOOKED AT. BECAUSE I, WE, PEOPLE FORGET THINGS SOMETIMES OR SOMETIMES REFUSE TO SEE HOW OFTEN SOMETHING HAPPENS TO US OR HOW OFTEN WE DO SOMETHING TO SOMEONE ELSE. BUT WHEN IT IS THERE IN B&W THERE IS NO DENYING FACTS.
NOTWITHSTANDING ALL THAT I JUST SAID, I TOO, WAS THE CULPRIT IN ALL OF THIS. OF COURSE, HE HAS A SIDE AS WELL, HE GETS FRUSTRATED THAT HE FEELS I THINK HE IS OFTEN ATTACKING ME, OR IS ABANDONING ME OR DOESNT CARE FOR ME. THIS IS TOTALLY TRUE. I AM GUILTY OF THOSE FEELINGS AND EXPRESSIONS TO HIM. I HAVE ISSUES WHICH WE ALL KNOW OF BY NOW ONE ONLY NEEDS TO READ MY BLOG TO KNOW THIS.. BUT OBVIOUSLY THE WAY HE HANDLES THIS FRUSTRATION IS TO RAISE HIS VOICE TO ME AND REACT IN A SARCASTIC OR MEAN WAY INSTEAD OF HEALTHY AND TALKING IT OUT.
HIS REACTION ALSO AFFECTS MY REACTION AND VICE VERSA WHICH BECOMES A CHAIN REACTION OF US ANGRY OR FRUSTRATED AND BEING ON OPPOSITE SIDES INSTEAD OF THE SAME SIDE. WHAT IS CLEAR TO ME AT THIS EARLY STAGE, IS I DONT HAVE COMMUNICATION ABILITY, I DONT HAVE THE WILL TO COMPROMISE AND I CAN'T SOLVE OUR "ISSUES" ALONE. WHY WOULD I CONTINUE ON THIS PATH/PATTERN? I THINK WE BOTH SUFFER SIMILAR WAYS AND REACT SIMILARLY WHICH IS WHAT MADE US COMPATIBLE BUT CLEARLY NOT IN THE HEALTHEST WAY..
OTHER KEYS TO THIS THAT I LEARNED IS TO TRY TO STOP BEING REACTIVE AND INSTEAD BE PROACTIVE IN FINDING SOLUTIONS WITH PEOPLE, AND NOT ALWAYS THINK SOMEONE IS ATTACKING ME. I ALSO LEARNED THIS. WRITE MORE LATER.. GOTTA EAT AND TAKE CARE OF MYSELF..
Friday, May 29, 2009
Damn
He forgave me. He realized I have issues. He said he still will love me. I am letting it set in for him and I. He is probably the healthiest relationship I have ever had. I wanted it to last.
He DID NOT DO OR SAY what I expected at all. I am worth being loved. I am worth him understanding and still wanting me. I am going to continue to reach for the stars.
He DID NOT DO OR SAY what I expected at all. I am worth being loved. I am worth him understanding and still wanting me. I am going to continue to reach for the stars.
Here goes:
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.
------------
Wow. How things change. Reason, a season or a lifetime. I wish he was a lifetime, alas I guess it was a reason? I have learned so much from him.
I was dishonest with him and now it is time to tell the truth because though I will lose him and he will never be mine again, it is better he knows than that he does not know. I have been touting for years how I do not lie and how it is not ok to lie and yet the one thing I always lie about myself and have lied about is my age. It is unfair and hypocritical. Nightmares since last night, and to think how I cringed every time we discussed it or it came up in conversation.
My friend D says if its love it will be love regardless of age, age is truly nothing but a number and everything can be worked out if we really want to, but I know he isn’t going to want to be with me after I tell him. She says if he leaves because he knows my age then he wasn’t really going to stay anyway and would have found a reason to go eventually. Then there is his little 16 year old waiting for him at the end of his tunnel, hmmm? I am sure she will look that much better to him now. We were one another’s rebound I guess and now its time for me to fess up and decide where to go from here. I am so fucking hurt, but I guess I knew that going in didn’t I? I tried not to get involved, not to give in, and then once I did I tried so hard to make it all good, and all alright to tell myself that when I told him, it would all be ok, but it won’t. It isn’t. Rationalizing, that it didn’t matter yet because he was in RI and not here yet, right? Well now after I tell him, he is NEVER coming back to CA. Not for me, at least. I have lost him and his trust for good.
The thing I talked about with my surrogate parents and that thing I can’t get my head around this age thing is that if it wasn’t him, it will be/would have been someone else. My pool of candidates is in a diff age range. I mean realistically there is Chris in SD, Vince, Jon, Joey, Alex, Carlos, Sid, my roommates, I mean the list goes on and on. I only know younger guys and girls! All the girls I know and are close to are younger than me also. Every single one of them is in their early 20’s. Everyone I talk to is younger than me by like 10-17 years. Why is this and why am I am attracted to younger guys and is this really such a bad thing? I have great passion, great knowledge and great love. I am sensual, sexual and generally want to be free to do as I please. I do not have the hang-ups or conditions that older people seem to have. I don’t have traditional views of marriage and children and I like to have fun. I love music, video games and dancing. Wtf? Of course I am going to attract younger guys and they me. I guess just happen to think younger and be into things that younger people are into, always. Immature and all that….
Guys my age or older.. hmm. I don’t like their bellies, their missing hair and their haughty male privilege attitudes. I have been dating younger guys my whole life, I have been hanging out with girls and guys younger than me forever! Truth is, though I will be mourning us and the loss of him, experience tells me I will probably at some point meet another guy the same age, have those flittering butterflies and be running through the streets naked and making out on top of a monument somewhere and he will want me
too. Let’s take a look back in time shall we?
35 - 20
32 - 22
30 - 20
27 - 21
25 - 19
21 - 18
16 - 14
Idk what to say. I am young at heart and I do not and have never looked or felt my own age. Though this has been great it’s also a curse of sorts. Well, I’m going to tell him and get over losing him already. Its better now than later.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.
------------
Wow. How things change. Reason, a season or a lifetime. I wish he was a lifetime, alas I guess it was a reason? I have learned so much from him.
I was dishonest with him and now it is time to tell the truth because though I will lose him and he will never be mine again, it is better he knows than that he does not know. I have been touting for years how I do not lie and how it is not ok to lie and yet the one thing I always lie about myself and have lied about is my age. It is unfair and hypocritical. Nightmares since last night, and to think how I cringed every time we discussed it or it came up in conversation.
My friend D says if its love it will be love regardless of age, age is truly nothing but a number and everything can be worked out if we really want to, but I know he isn’t going to want to be with me after I tell him. She says if he leaves because he knows my age then he wasn’t really going to stay anyway and would have found a reason to go eventually. Then there is his little 16 year old waiting for him at the end of his tunnel, hmmm? I am sure she will look that much better to him now. We were one another’s rebound I guess and now its time for me to fess up and decide where to go from here. I am so fucking hurt, but I guess I knew that going in didn’t I? I tried not to get involved, not to give in, and then once I did I tried so hard to make it all good, and all alright to tell myself that when I told him, it would all be ok, but it won’t. It isn’t. Rationalizing, that it didn’t matter yet because he was in RI and not here yet, right? Well now after I tell him, he is NEVER coming back to CA. Not for me, at least. I have lost him and his trust for good.
The thing I talked about with my surrogate parents and that thing I can’t get my head around this age thing is that if it wasn’t him, it will be/would have been someone else. My pool of candidates is in a diff age range. I mean realistically there is Chris in SD, Vince, Jon, Joey, Alex, Carlos, Sid, my roommates, I mean the list goes on and on. I only know younger guys and girls! All the girls I know and are close to are younger than me also. Every single one of them is in their early 20’s. Everyone I talk to is younger than me by like 10-17 years. Why is this and why am I am attracted to younger guys and is this really such a bad thing? I have great passion, great knowledge and great love. I am sensual, sexual and generally want to be free to do as I please. I do not have the hang-ups or conditions that older people seem to have. I don’t have traditional views of marriage and children and I like to have fun. I love music, video games and dancing. Wtf? Of course I am going to attract younger guys and they me. I guess just happen to think younger and be into things that younger people are into, always. Immature and all that….
Guys my age or older.. hmm. I don’t like their bellies, their missing hair and their haughty male privilege attitudes. I have been dating younger guys my whole life, I have been hanging out with girls and guys younger than me forever! Truth is, though I will be mourning us and the loss of him, experience tells me I will probably at some point meet another guy the same age, have those flittering butterflies and be running through the streets naked and making out on top of a monument somewhere and he will want me
too. Let’s take a look back in time shall we?
35 - 20
32 - 22
30 - 20
27 - 21
25 - 19
21 - 18
16 - 14
Idk what to say. I am young at heart and I do not and have never looked or felt my own age. Though this has been great it’s also a curse of sorts. Well, I’m going to tell him and get over losing him already. Its better now than later.
Friday, May 22, 2009
coping skills
I don’t know what to do about this situation. What I want and what I am going to get, I feel are two different things, I knew this when it started and I didn’t want to see it. Now it is there in plain sight. Why can I not leave this boy alone? I tried yesterday pretty unsuccessfully and today broke once. I need my fucking book back. Why do I get addicted to people and try to obsess about them? I need to put my focus elsewhere. On myself and allow this kid to be a distraction at best. Operative word there is kid. I am asking for an adult relationship and qualities from a kid who is still growing. I was attracted to him initially for the innocence, romance and kindness and later sex, but it has turned sour. Yeah he looks like a man and can have sex and pretend he is a man, but he really just isn’t. Truly, how can I ask or ever expect anything of him? He is still growing and determining what he wants! He doesn’t know what the fuck he wants. He just knows he wants it to be fun. He just has some 2 year promise to a girl who is 16.. 16 years old.
It’s one thing to have a LDR and it be difficult, but know where it’s going and feel solid about it and work together for a common goal, its another to both be unsure about one another and try to have one. I can’t be sure with him, because he isn’t sure. I need to get where I feel sure with myself again and lean on the one and only that I ever have. God and myself. I am going through a tough time right now with my own personal shit and need to figure my own shit out, once again I am in THAT place. I feel I may forever be here. Another thing I have noticed is I am making the same mistakes with this one that I made with the other one. Him feeling guilty for things he has not even done due to my many insinuating questions and statements. Him feeling he cant do anything to make me happy..etc.
Then there is the game we play together..once again throwing us and our relationship into situations we would not yet encounter in real life until much later on.
So much can happen in one month. Gone are the 16 texts per day,
calls in the morning just because, calls to say I love you just because, strong undeniable desire to come to CA and see me at ANY cost, late night conversations about absolutely everything and nothing… /sigh.
I am constantly surprised by the amount of things that can occur in such a short period of time, particularly the nature of the men I choose’s feelings. They fucking come and go and are completely unreliable. Oh you ‘love’ me? That’s a nice feeling. Oh your mad at me? That’s a sucky feeling. Oh you feel depressed that’s a sucky feeling. Oh your excited! Great that’s a nice feeling. Oh your feeling horny? That’s a nice feeling…oh your feeling abandoned? That’s a sucky feeling. Oh you feel like I don’t love you anymore? That sucks.. oh you are feeling complete and happy? That’s a great feeling. All in all, they are just that..feelings.
Someone once told me true love isn’t a feeling, it’s a verb. It’s an action. It’s doing. Sometimes even when you aren’t feeling it, its doing for someone even when you aren’t “feeling” it (love or loving). I don’t know if that’s the case with me or with the people I choose. I think the last 2 guys have been highly feelings guys seemingly sensitive, but are overall pleaser types, which makes them selfish because they are not pleasing from a healthy giving place, they are pleasing so they can feel better about themselves and get what they want place. (See people pleasing link here)
And me? Well I I think I am def not like other women, this is to my detriment as well as my blessing. Women everywhere seem to get married and have kids and work menial jobs and laugh and seem happy consistently. Me? I can’t keep a man or a job or a laugh going for very long it seems. But unlike most, I’m not in denial of my choices or my life, instead I am acutely aware of my fucking failures and shortcomings. I have little to no coping skills and probably should see a therapist at this point. For today, I am going to go out and do my own thing, off the computer and one with nature. I am going to reconnect with myself and focus on that.
Other interesting tidbits I read today..
10 profiles of people who relate in harmful ways
A profile is a brief description of someone or something.
1. The People Pleaser –a person who constantly seeks the approval of others. A people pleaser will do almost anything to be liked including harmful behaviors such as smoking/drinking or engaging in sexual activities. The people pleaser sabotages their chances to have healthful relationship by not demanding respect from others.
A people pleaser
A. knows how to receive acts of kindness from others.
B. is comfortable accepting gifts of time or support from other.
C. learns to rely on other to meet his/her needs
D. is often too insecure to demand respect.
Enabler
2. The Enabler- a person who supports the harmful behaviors of others. The enabler may contribute to other persons harmful behavior by overlooking it and covering up for the other person. The enabler sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships when they don’t expect others to behave in responsible ways.
Clinger
3. The clinger- a person who is needy and dependent. The clinger feels empty inside and constantly turns to others to feel better. No amount of attention can keep the clinger fulfilled and the clinger can be demanding of others. The clinger sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not giving other people space.
Fixer
4. The fixer- a person who tries to fix other peoples problems. The fixers quick to give advice and identify possible solutions. By fixing other peoples problem the fixer avoid their own feeling and problems. The fixer sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships because healthy people don’t want others to solve their problems and take over a situation.
Distancer
5. The distancer- a person who is emotionally unavailable to others. The distancer may have been hurt in the past and keeps others from getting too close so they won’t get hurt again. The distancer sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not risking emotional involvement.
Controller
6. The controller- person who is possessive, jealous, and domineering. The controller seeks power and may tell others what to do. The controller may monopolize a boyfriend or girlfriends time. The controller sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not respecting interests or opinions of others. And people may be fearful of a controller.
Center
7. The center- a person who is self centered. The center will do most of the talking and not show much interest in what you have to say. The center wants to do what they want and isn't concerned what others want or how they feel. The center sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by being so focused on being the center of attention that the needs of others are ignored.
Abuser
8. The abuser- a person who is abusive. The abuser may constantly put down others, threaten, begin fights, act violently and force someone to have sex. The abuser may follow acts of abuse with gentleness but the abuse usually returns. An abuser sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by threatening and harming others.
Liar
9. The liar- a person who doesn’t tell the truth. The liar may lie to make himself look good, to impress or to manipulate others. Their relationships are based on lies and may be very shallow. They lack connection or commitment cause of the liars actions. The liar sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by lying to others to get the response they want
Promise Breaker
10. The promise breaker- a person who is not reliable. Will make plans with another person and be a “no show”. May agree to change annoying behavior but doesn’t do it. The promise breaker sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not keeping his or her word causing others to doubt their sincerity and commitment.
Involvement in Harmful Relationship
People who are involved in Harmful Relationship
• Promise breaker and a people pleaser.
• A controller and an enabler.
• A clinger and a distancer.
• An a person that try to changing one’s profile to fit different relationship.
How Harmful relationships affect Health status
It Affect Mental-Emotional Health
Anxiety and stress
Feeling of guilt and/or rejection
Lack of self-confidence
Negative self-esteem
Physical health
Family-social health
headaches
lack of nurturing,
supportive connections
stomachaches
failure to develop appropriate social skills
sleeplessness
injuries from abuse
A people pleaser may accommodate to the promise breaker’s behavior. A controller is more likely to be with an enabler. You definitely should end a harmful relationship when the other person threatens your health or safety.
Some ways to deal with harmful relationships include
A identifying changes in behavior that must occur
B having a discussion with the other person in which you identify your feelings, concerns and expectations
C recognizing when you must end harmful relationships rather than work to change it
D all the above
Principles of Constructive Conflict:
1) More vs. less information
Conflict is viewed as an opportunity to talk out the dilemma. Whereas, in bad relationships, one partner withdraws from the
conversation or withholds verbal input.
2) Flexible vs. rigid
In good relationships, both individuals approach the problems as a compromise. The individuals focus on problem solving, and the
maintenance of the relationship is placed above individuals desires, rather than looking at conflict as a win/lose situation.
3) Trust vs. mistrust
During the conflict there is open disclosure and you trust the other individual with your personal disclosures.
4) Friendly vs. hostile persuasion
Threats should never be used in conflict.Instead, when necessary, try to gently persuade the other individual to your point of
view.
5) Responsibility vs. blame
In constructive conflict, the speaker takes responsibility for his/her feelings, thoughts, and behaviours, rather than placing blame on
others.
6) Contained vs. spreading boundaries
The current argument should never drift to previous problems, focus only on the current problem at hand.
7) Resolution vs. repetition
In constructive conflict, the conflicts are resolved and both individuals attempt to learn from the experience to prevent similar
arguments in the future.
Interesting shit.. damn, I love to read, dont I? I should fuckin study psychology. :P
It’s one thing to have a LDR and it be difficult, but know where it’s going and feel solid about it and work together for a common goal, its another to both be unsure about one another and try to have one. I can’t be sure with him, because he isn’t sure. I need to get where I feel sure with myself again and lean on the one and only that I ever have. God and myself. I am going through a tough time right now with my own personal shit and need to figure my own shit out, once again I am in THAT place. I feel I may forever be here. Another thing I have noticed is I am making the same mistakes with this one that I made with the other one. Him feeling guilty for things he has not even done due to my many insinuating questions and statements. Him feeling he cant do anything to make me happy..etc.
Then there is the game we play together..once again throwing us and our relationship into situations we would not yet encounter in real life until much later on.
So much can happen in one month. Gone are the 16 texts per day,
calls in the morning just because, calls to say I love you just because, strong undeniable desire to come to CA and see me at ANY cost, late night conversations about absolutely everything and nothing… /sigh.
I am constantly surprised by the amount of things that can occur in such a short period of time, particularly the nature of the men I choose’s feelings. They fucking come and go and are completely unreliable. Oh you ‘love’ me? That’s a nice feeling. Oh your mad at me? That’s a sucky feeling. Oh you feel depressed that’s a sucky feeling. Oh your excited! Great that’s a nice feeling. Oh your feeling horny? That’s a nice feeling…oh your feeling abandoned? That’s a sucky feeling. Oh you feel like I don’t love you anymore? That sucks.. oh you are feeling complete and happy? That’s a great feeling. All in all, they are just that..feelings.
Someone once told me true love isn’t a feeling, it’s a verb. It’s an action. It’s doing. Sometimes even when you aren’t feeling it, its doing for someone even when you aren’t “feeling” it (love or loving). I don’t know if that’s the case with me or with the people I choose. I think the last 2 guys have been highly feelings guys seemingly sensitive, but are overall pleaser types, which makes them selfish because they are not pleasing from a healthy giving place, they are pleasing so they can feel better about themselves and get what they want place. (See people pleasing link here)
And me? Well I I think I am def not like other women, this is to my detriment as well as my blessing. Women everywhere seem to get married and have kids and work menial jobs and laugh and seem happy consistently. Me? I can’t keep a man or a job or a laugh going for very long it seems. But unlike most, I’m not in denial of my choices or my life, instead I am acutely aware of my fucking failures and shortcomings. I have little to no coping skills and probably should see a therapist at this point. For today, I am going to go out and do my own thing, off the computer and one with nature. I am going to reconnect with myself and focus on that.
Other interesting tidbits I read today..
10 profiles of people who relate in harmful ways
A profile is a brief description of someone or something.
1. The People Pleaser –a person who constantly seeks the approval of others. A people pleaser will do almost anything to be liked including harmful behaviors such as smoking/drinking or engaging in sexual activities. The people pleaser sabotages their chances to have healthful relationship by not demanding respect from others.
A people pleaser
A. knows how to receive acts of kindness from others.
B. is comfortable accepting gifts of time or support from other.
C. learns to rely on other to meet his/her needs
D. is often too insecure to demand respect.
Enabler
2. The Enabler- a person who supports the harmful behaviors of others. The enabler may contribute to other persons harmful behavior by overlooking it and covering up for the other person. The enabler sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships when they don’t expect others to behave in responsible ways.
Clinger
3. The clinger- a person who is needy and dependent. The clinger feels empty inside and constantly turns to others to feel better. No amount of attention can keep the clinger fulfilled and the clinger can be demanding of others. The clinger sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not giving other people space.
Fixer
4. The fixer- a person who tries to fix other peoples problems. The fixers quick to give advice and identify possible solutions. By fixing other peoples problem the fixer avoid their own feeling and problems. The fixer sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships because healthy people don’t want others to solve their problems and take over a situation.
Distancer
5. The distancer- a person who is emotionally unavailable to others. The distancer may have been hurt in the past and keeps others from getting too close so they won’t get hurt again. The distancer sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not risking emotional involvement.
Controller
6. The controller- person who is possessive, jealous, and domineering. The controller seeks power and may tell others what to do. The controller may monopolize a boyfriend or girlfriends time. The controller sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not respecting interests or opinions of others. And people may be fearful of a controller.
Center
7. The center- a person who is self centered. The center will do most of the talking and not show much interest in what you have to say. The center wants to do what they want and isn't concerned what others want or how they feel. The center sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by being so focused on being the center of attention that the needs of others are ignored.
Abuser
8. The abuser- a person who is abusive. The abuser may constantly put down others, threaten, begin fights, act violently and force someone to have sex. The abuser may follow acts of abuse with gentleness but the abuse usually returns. An abuser sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by threatening and harming others.
Liar
9. The liar- a person who doesn’t tell the truth. The liar may lie to make himself look good, to impress or to manipulate others. Their relationships are based on lies and may be very shallow. They lack connection or commitment cause of the liars actions. The liar sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by lying to others to get the response they want
Promise Breaker
10. The promise breaker- a person who is not reliable. Will make plans with another person and be a “no show”. May agree to change annoying behavior but doesn’t do it. The promise breaker sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not keeping his or her word causing others to doubt their sincerity and commitment.
Involvement in Harmful Relationship
People who are involved in Harmful Relationship
• Promise breaker and a people pleaser.
• A controller and an enabler.
• A clinger and a distancer.
• An a person that try to changing one’s profile to fit different relationship.
How Harmful relationships affect Health status
It Affect Mental-Emotional Health
Anxiety and stress
Feeling of guilt and/or rejection
Lack of self-confidence
Negative self-esteem
Physical health
Family-social health
headaches
lack of nurturing,
supportive connections
stomachaches
failure to develop appropriate social skills
sleeplessness
injuries from abuse
A people pleaser may accommodate to the promise breaker’s behavior. A controller is more likely to be with an enabler. You definitely should end a harmful relationship when the other person threatens your health or safety.
Some ways to deal with harmful relationships include
A identifying changes in behavior that must occur
B having a discussion with the other person in which you identify your feelings, concerns and expectations
C recognizing when you must end harmful relationships rather than work to change it
D all the above
Principles of Constructive Conflict:
1) More vs. less information
Conflict is viewed as an opportunity to talk out the dilemma. Whereas, in bad relationships, one partner withdraws from the
conversation or withholds verbal input.
2) Flexible vs. rigid
In good relationships, both individuals approach the problems as a compromise. The individuals focus on problem solving, and the
maintenance of the relationship is placed above individuals desires, rather than looking at conflict as a win/lose situation.
3) Trust vs. mistrust
During the conflict there is open disclosure and you trust the other individual with your personal disclosures.
4) Friendly vs. hostile persuasion
Threats should never be used in conflict.Instead, when necessary, try to gently persuade the other individual to your point of
view.
5) Responsibility vs. blame
In constructive conflict, the speaker takes responsibility for his/her feelings, thoughts, and behaviours, rather than placing blame on
others.
6) Contained vs. spreading boundaries
The current argument should never drift to previous problems, focus only on the current problem at hand.
7) Resolution vs. repetition
In constructive conflict, the conflicts are resolved and both individuals attempt to learn from the experience to prevent similar
arguments in the future.
Interesting shit.. damn, I love to read, dont I? I should fuckin study psychology. :P
Monday, May 4, 2009
Monday thoughts
Sad today but the girls gonna be alright. I still haven’t heard from him since yesterday. He has not tried to call or talk it out. We all know I am no pro at that myself. There is a chance he doesn’t want to or want to be with me anymore. I am going to try to just give him time to figure things out for himself and what he wants.
We didn’t officially break up, I just don’t know what’s going and when I don’t know whats up… I figure its probably over. For me, it’s always over, except when its good and great and nice which it seemed it was.
I realized yesterday I still have issues with sticking stuff out, talking things out, feeling sexually degraded by men and of course, abandonment. I am much better now than I ever was but those feelings are still there because I am still who I am. Though granted, I am 100 times less needy than before however, partially because these days it just doesn’t matter to me as much any more when someone leaves me or doesn’t want me and partially because I trust people until they show they can’t be trusted. For me, in reality, there is always someone else.. there is always something else…somewhere else..
Last night Che asked me what could possibly come out of us? Me move to RI? Him move to CA? I mean at some point it will have to be either or if we are to be together? Realistically whats the deal? I told Che that I totally would move for him/for anyone if things were great and we had a good healthy relationship and I was happy in it and I think he would do the same. Though it would be better for him here than me there.. career wise.
Career. That’s something I seriously need to focus on, that, and God. What the hell do I want to do with my life? Love aint everything and for some reason, with me, it doesn’t last long either (the relationships that is), so it isn’t very reliable to hang my hat on..
Still no contact from him..well, I guess I have to let go at some point.
We didn’t officially break up, I just don’t know what’s going and when I don’t know whats up… I figure its probably over. For me, it’s always over, except when its good and great and nice which it seemed it was.
I realized yesterday I still have issues with sticking stuff out, talking things out, feeling sexually degraded by men and of course, abandonment. I am much better now than I ever was but those feelings are still there because I am still who I am. Though granted, I am 100 times less needy than before however, partially because these days it just doesn’t matter to me as much any more when someone leaves me or doesn’t want me and partially because I trust people until they show they can’t be trusted. For me, in reality, there is always someone else.. there is always something else…somewhere else..
Last night Che asked me what could possibly come out of us? Me move to RI? Him move to CA? I mean at some point it will have to be either or if we are to be together? Realistically whats the deal? I told Che that I totally would move for him/for anyone if things were great and we had a good healthy relationship and I was happy in it and I think he would do the same. Though it would be better for him here than me there.. career wise.
Career. That’s something I seriously need to focus on, that, and God. What the hell do I want to do with my life? Love aint everything and for some reason, with me, it doesn’t last long either (the relationships that is), so it isn’t very reliable to hang my hat on..
Still no contact from him..well, I guess I have to let go at some point.
Yes, its so romantic but where
to son? I talked to Che tonight about earlier today and I was able to get a lot off my chest. Che is cool to talk to.
I did realize something from talking to Che that I think I did not want to see before. I have no idea what the outcome of this situation will be. I mean really if I am gonna have a relationship, whats the plan? or the plan b?
Che mentioned in humble opinion, that we aren't realistic and feels sorry that I haven't found a guy in CA to be with me the way Adam is. Che thinks its a great idea for us to remain friends..and thinks I deserve to be more than someones virtual gf. As things get more real for Adam and I - serious frustrations will occur because of the distance... Che is a smarty..
I did realize something from talking to Che that I think I did not want to see before. I have no idea what the outcome of this situation will be. I mean really if I am gonna have a relationship, whats the plan? or the plan b?
Che mentioned in humble opinion, that we aren't realistic and feels sorry that I haven't found a guy in CA to be with me the way Adam is. Che thinks its a great idea for us to remain friends..and thinks I deserve to be more than someones virtual gf. As things get more real for Adam and I - serious frustrations will occur because of the distance... Che is a smarty..
Sunday, May 3, 2009
SOuth
South for the winter, south of the border, south...on your way to HELL!
So things seem to be going South after our little tryst and we are having issues or rather I am because I am not happy right now. Yet there I was last night tellin karin how much I love and care and how things are so freaking cute between us. Maybe they are but obviously not some times. Its those some times that are so freaking ugh to me because they are noticeable flaws... noticeable imperfections. I am also imperfect and no one can meet my needs all the time. Should I say "hi im calling you before you say anything perverted, just know that I want you to approve and enjoy the way I look today not ask me to spread my legs so you can see my thong".. ugh.
There are little noticeable spats..and its such a bummer. Grrr.
So things seem to be going South after our little tryst and we are having issues or rather I am because I am not happy right now. Yet there I was last night tellin karin how much I love and care and how things are so freaking cute between us. Maybe they are but obviously not some times. Its those some times that are so freaking ugh to me because they are noticeable flaws... noticeable imperfections. I am also imperfect and no one can meet my needs all the time. Should I say "hi im calling you before you say anything perverted, just know that I want you to approve and enjoy the way I look today not ask me to spread my legs so you can see my thong".. ugh.
There are little noticeable spats..and its such a bummer. Grrr.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
thoughts and a great article on how to get over someone
Dear Blog,
Well, last night I talked to Adam and he was very kind and sweet as I was feeling totally terrible yesterday. I tried to express to him as well as I could that I want to be with him, that I thought I might have made a mistake judging him and making the call to stop talking and that I do want to talk to him and have things be like they were, and this morning realized they can't be. They can be good, they can even be great but truthfully but they will be different and never as before. I cannot have the expectation that he will go back to being who he was when he felt "infatuated". New feelings and us getting to know one another have replaced that, like they do and will continue to do so. Apparently this is how friendships and relationship "grow" and "change".
I finally took my clothes OUTOFTHE DRYER! Yay! I am feeling much better today than yesterday. I was going totally psycho and off the deep end. I am glad this does not happen weekly anymore as it did when I was younger and I think a large portion of this crazy week was my emotions going out of whack because of my monthly visitor. Ugh! Hated it!
Luckily my visitor lasts only 3 days and its already gone, and I am back to my more cheerful, more driven, more focused, slightly more positive self. :D I also recently realized I am a pessimist. :P I made some special pasta for Gloria's shower today and I got her a nice card. I also chipped in my last $40 to get her a nice gift. She also actually invited me to her "real" baby shower. Similar to LaToya. No one else in the company is invited. Geez, I hope this never changes. I can't help wondering did they both invite me to their real baby showers because they really like me or just because I am new at the company? My mind leans toward the first thought. They really like me, awww! I will write more later if I can.
love,
me
Feeling Hurt From Dating
Did you just go out on a date and wonder how it went? Are you staying up all night wondering if he/she feels the same way you do? Are you afraid of approaching the person you like? Pretty much everyone has been in this situation at one time or another. Here’s why: The root of all pain like this comes from your imagination and an uncertainty about what to do.
Dating The Fantasy
When you like a person, you constantly think about them. You imagine yourself in a fantasy, where you go places and do things together. Your lives together are perfect. He/she is romantic, loving, kind, and does exactly what you want when you want it. The only problem is, this person doesn’t actually exist. He/she is a projection of your idealized version of the person you like. What happens when he/she does something different from how you’d imagined? You start to lose a piece of your fantasy. You’ll either feel hurt that he/she isn’t doing what you want “anymore”, and perhaps try to change that person (which will not be well received). So, to start off, try to not imagine what it’d be like, or how good it would be. This is where an intuitive mind trying to analyze tons of possibilities becomes extremely harmful. Date the real person, not the fantasy.
The other thing that happens when you think about your future together too much is that you are analyzing too deeply down one branch of the possibility tree. Other parts of your life start to shrink because all your thoughts are focused on how good it would be together. You think about having kids, raising a family, sharing lots of romantic adventures together. However, these things are way in the future. That will only happen IF he/she likes you, IF you continue to like him/her, IF you decide to have a baby, etc. There are just so many things that can change that particular possibility. So then, what happens when you break up? All your planning has been focused on the two of you being together, so when the unexpected happens, you have no alternate plan! This is when people sit at home crying, blaming the other person for not fulfilling their dreams.
Knowing Yourself
This is why you need a backup plan. What would you do if you broke up? What would you do if he/she died? This does NOT mean that you should maintain relationships with other people “in case you broke up”. That would be a horrible breach of trust. I’m talking about what you would do if you were completely alone. Say there were no people in the world, what would you do? Now say there were 2 people in the world, what would you do? Then add various #s of people and plan out what you would do. This will allow you to understand what you want better and know what to do in most of the common situations. You’ll probably still feel a bit hurt, but it won’t be the end of the world because you’ll have a life outside of the relationship. You won’t feel the “my life is coming to an end” type of pain.
Aren’t those situations of you being alone completely unlikely though? No! Not at all. Even if there are people around, you can still be alone. In fact, outside of very involved relationships, you are alone most of the time. Whenever you are focusing on yourself and don’t notice other people, it’s the same as if you were alone. Knowing what you’d do in this situation really helps you out in figuring out what you want. You have to learn to like yourself in this state because then, any kind of relationship breakup wouldn’t be so bad. Sure, you’ll feel a loss, but you’ll still have something pretty great to return to.
Key To a Healthy Relationship With Them
That is the key to a healthy relationship actually, since even in a relationship, you’ll be alone some portion of the time. A relationship is just an extension of the economic model. You have something he/she wants, and he/she has something you want (sex, companionship, etc.) As a result, the both of you benefit each other. Over time, as the two of you trade more and more, you realize that it’ll be more efficient if you just stayed together. That’s how it is in a healthy relationship. When you don’t really know yourself and don’t have much to offer in your relationship, that’s when you become “desparate”. It’s also when the other person feel this exceeding neediness from you, which leads the the suspicion that you have much less to offer than what you’ll be getting. If that is the case, then of course the relationship would feel like the center of the world to you, as you are deriving most of your identity from your partner. It would also explain why you would feel very hurt and angry when your partner leaves, since he/she took away all that stuff you were getting.
On the other hand, if you had a strong identity outside of the relationship, then you would simply return to the happy state you were in before you made the trades. You tried a particular trade and it didn’t work out. Now you’re left with what you started with, but with more experience. Do you realize that means you’re better off than you were before you entered the relationship? Life is series of ups and downs. You’re now standing at a point higher than you were at before the relationship (and either higher or lower than when you were in the relationship depending on how you look at it).
Just stop thinking about it and start doing the things you love. The worst case scenario? You’ll never get into a relationship again and do the things you love until you die. Just be okay with that possibility. Think about it, isn’t that a great thing? Now, if a relationship happens to come along which will make you happier - Okee dokie! Sounds good to me.
A lot of pain comes as a result of not knowing yourself and what you want. That’s because not knowing creates a lot of uncertainity in situations, which paralyzes you. For example, let’s say you just had a date and you sit around wondering when the other person would call. Days pass and no call; you become worried, not knowing where you’re at. That’s a common situation that causes many people a lot of distress. The truth is, it’s very easy to deal with when you’ve planned out all the possibilities. You can say something like, if I don’t get a call within a few days, I’ll call him/her back, then don’t think about it anymore. Is thinking about it going to make the other person more likely to call? Not even a little, so why waste time thinking about something you can’t change? Just do what you’ve always been doing before and after them-living a happy life.
The old cliche advice really is the way to go. "Know what you love to do, do it, and you’ll meet people along the way."
Well, last night I talked to Adam and he was very kind and sweet as I was feeling totally terrible yesterday. I tried to express to him as well as I could that I want to be with him, that I thought I might have made a mistake judging him and making the call to stop talking and that I do want to talk to him and have things be like they were, and this morning realized they can't be. They can be good, they can even be great but truthfully but they will be different and never as before. I cannot have the expectation that he will go back to being who he was when he felt "infatuated". New feelings and us getting to know one another have replaced that, like they do and will continue to do so. Apparently this is how friendships and relationship "grow" and "change".
I finally took my clothes OUTOFTHE DRYER! Yay! I am feeling much better today than yesterday. I was going totally psycho and off the deep end. I am glad this does not happen weekly anymore as it did when I was younger and I think a large portion of this crazy week was my emotions going out of whack because of my monthly visitor. Ugh! Hated it!
Luckily my visitor lasts only 3 days and its already gone, and I am back to my more cheerful, more driven, more focused, slightly more positive self. :D I also recently realized I am a pessimist. :P I made some special pasta for Gloria's shower today and I got her a nice card. I also chipped in my last $40 to get her a nice gift. She also actually invited me to her "real" baby shower. Similar to LaToya. No one else in the company is invited. Geez, I hope this never changes. I can't help wondering did they both invite me to their real baby showers because they really like me or just because I am new at the company? My mind leans toward the first thought. They really like me, awww! I will write more later if I can.
love,
me
Feeling Hurt From Dating
Did you just go out on a date and wonder how it went? Are you staying up all night wondering if he/she feels the same way you do? Are you afraid of approaching the person you like? Pretty much everyone has been in this situation at one time or another. Here’s why: The root of all pain like this comes from your imagination and an uncertainty about what to do.
Dating The Fantasy
When you like a person, you constantly think about them. You imagine yourself in a fantasy, where you go places and do things together. Your lives together are perfect. He/she is romantic, loving, kind, and does exactly what you want when you want it. The only problem is, this person doesn’t actually exist. He/she is a projection of your idealized version of the person you like. What happens when he/she does something different from how you’d imagined? You start to lose a piece of your fantasy. You’ll either feel hurt that he/she isn’t doing what you want “anymore”, and perhaps try to change that person (which will not be well received). So, to start off, try to not imagine what it’d be like, or how good it would be. This is where an intuitive mind trying to analyze tons of possibilities becomes extremely harmful. Date the real person, not the fantasy.
The other thing that happens when you think about your future together too much is that you are analyzing too deeply down one branch of the possibility tree. Other parts of your life start to shrink because all your thoughts are focused on how good it would be together. You think about having kids, raising a family, sharing lots of romantic adventures together. However, these things are way in the future. That will only happen IF he/she likes you, IF you continue to like him/her, IF you decide to have a baby, etc. There are just so many things that can change that particular possibility. So then, what happens when you break up? All your planning has been focused on the two of you being together, so when the unexpected happens, you have no alternate plan! This is when people sit at home crying, blaming the other person for not fulfilling their dreams.
Knowing Yourself
This is why you need a backup plan. What would you do if you broke up? What would you do if he/she died? This does NOT mean that you should maintain relationships with other people “in case you broke up”. That would be a horrible breach of trust. I’m talking about what you would do if you were completely alone. Say there were no people in the world, what would you do? Now say there were 2 people in the world, what would you do? Then add various #s of people and plan out what you would do. This will allow you to understand what you want better and know what to do in most of the common situations. You’ll probably still feel a bit hurt, but it won’t be the end of the world because you’ll have a life outside of the relationship. You won’t feel the “my life is coming to an end” type of pain.
Aren’t those situations of you being alone completely unlikely though? No! Not at all. Even if there are people around, you can still be alone. In fact, outside of very involved relationships, you are alone most of the time. Whenever you are focusing on yourself and don’t notice other people, it’s the same as if you were alone. Knowing what you’d do in this situation really helps you out in figuring out what you want. You have to learn to like yourself in this state because then, any kind of relationship breakup wouldn’t be so bad. Sure, you’ll feel a loss, but you’ll still have something pretty great to return to.
Key To a Healthy Relationship With Them
That is the key to a healthy relationship actually, since even in a relationship, you’ll be alone some portion of the time. A relationship is just an extension of the economic model. You have something he/she wants, and he/she has something you want (sex, companionship, etc.) As a result, the both of you benefit each other. Over time, as the two of you trade more and more, you realize that it’ll be more efficient if you just stayed together. That’s how it is in a healthy relationship. When you don’t really know yourself and don’t have much to offer in your relationship, that’s when you become “desparate”. It’s also when the other person feel this exceeding neediness from you, which leads the the suspicion that you have much less to offer than what you’ll be getting. If that is the case, then of course the relationship would feel like the center of the world to you, as you are deriving most of your identity from your partner. It would also explain why you would feel very hurt and angry when your partner leaves, since he/she took away all that stuff you were getting.
On the other hand, if you had a strong identity outside of the relationship, then you would simply return to the happy state you were in before you made the trades. You tried a particular trade and it didn’t work out. Now you’re left with what you started with, but with more experience. Do you realize that means you’re better off than you were before you entered the relationship? Life is series of ups and downs. You’re now standing at a point higher than you were at before the relationship (and either higher or lower than when you were in the relationship depending on how you look at it).
Just stop thinking about it and start doing the things you love. The worst case scenario? You’ll never get into a relationship again and do the things you love until you die. Just be okay with that possibility. Think about it, isn’t that a great thing? Now, if a relationship happens to come along which will make you happier - Okee dokie! Sounds good to me.
A lot of pain comes as a result of not knowing yourself and what you want. That’s because not knowing creates a lot of uncertainity in situations, which paralyzes you. For example, let’s say you just had a date and you sit around wondering when the other person would call. Days pass and no call; you become worried, not knowing where you’re at. That’s a common situation that causes many people a lot of distress. The truth is, it’s very easy to deal with when you’ve planned out all the possibilities. You can say something like, if I don’t get a call within a few days, I’ll call him/her back, then don’t think about it anymore. Is thinking about it going to make the other person more likely to call? Not even a little, so why waste time thinking about something you can’t change? Just do what you’ve always been doing before and after them-living a happy life.
The old cliche advice really is the way to go. "Know what you love to do, do it, and you’ll meet people along the way."
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