"awww.... I wish I had been there to take you out for dinner and join you two for the movie.
I have had a crazy day but a lot got done! I hope your day was good too. I am not sure how to explain this but I miss you. : /"
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Valentine's Day Hooray
I thought of something really cool! Larry and I .. but separate and mailing. You get the idea..
Anyway, here are some ideas for you singles out there.. I have waaaay too many ideas for those who are NOT single.. I am waiting for the right guy to give my all to someday..
Many ways to pass the time on VDAY - I just thought I would pass on a few favorites for those less fortunate than myself, unless of course you enjoy sitting in your bedroom weeping into a box of chocolates (probably the one you bought for an intended sweetie who has since snubbed you..)
1. Enjoy a nice day outside. The fresh air will do you good, and as you walk around you'll notice all the happy couples, and the flower carts on every corner, this will further your belief that "all the good ones are taken" and/or "I don't have a chance in hell" and it's always nice to be proven wrong. This might bring your despair level to a peak. At times you may be tempted to walk up to one of these happy couples and slap one of them silly (usually it's the one speaking "baby talk" to thier partner loud enough that it can be heard by passers-by), please feel free to do this, as it will make you feel better, as an added bonus, the endorphine/adenaline rush you get after running away at high speeds from the person you have assaulted will make you feel on top of the world! j/k
2. Go to the gym, it will be near empty as most others will be getting no work-out at all and probably speaking/doing nonsense they will never do again (if they are like my exes) once they "get to know" them. You will have free reign of the machines, and the next day you will be in so much pain that you will be spared from having see all of those people who will be there trying to work off the 6 ounces they gained from eating one too many butter-cremes.
3. Hop on the internet, log into any IRC channel you see fit (the ones with "flirt" or "love" in the names are best for the following purpose), after you have become nauseated with the flood of ASCII roses, stupid pop-ups and enough cute /action commands, type in a good twelve lines about how stupid these people are and how we should all go out and find a real person to date.
4. Buy cinnamon hearts (those little red ones that are so prevelant around this time of year), and I mean a lot of them. cinnamon hearts have a uniqe property that when they become damp they will stick to anything with a force rivaling super glue (it is rumored that cinnimon hearts were developed with the intention of creating a new surgical adhesive). Take your time in a public park covering an entire statue (bench or other such park fixture) completely in cinnamon hearts. If anyone stops you tell them it's in the name of love, and begin pelting them with the aforementiond candies. This should kill a few hours, and the resulting red-sticky residue will be around for months as rain does it's lovely work.
5. Chocolate is cheap around V-day, this is a great opportunity to test many of the scientific theories about chocolate. Buy as much as you can, and begin eating around 8 AM, don't stop till well in the afternoon. After you come down from the combination sugar/caffeine rush (or get back from the stomach pumping station at your local hospital) publish your results on the internet, claim that chocolate will never be better than sex, and complain about how you had to waste such a precious holiday to prove such a point.
6. Buy an old set of army fatigues and the semi-automatic rifle of your choice, (for extra fun, add a bayonet) and go down to a local german resturaunt. If you can, gather some friends to go with you. Perform a strategic assault on the resturaunt or any restaurant, and take the staff hostage, inform the customers that they have been freed and can go (trust me, it's german food, most will be appreciative), take the owners and staff...oh wait, this should be in the "Fun things to do on VE-Day..nvm.
Just remember the right person is out there, dont settle and you too will find them. Til then.. love yourself silly! :)
1)Pamper Yourself: make an appointment at the day spa, be indulgent, or splurge at home.
2)Celebrate with friends! For girls: plan a girl's night, or for guys: plan a guys night or fondling one another to determine whose balls are bigger. Guys are sad.
3)Be Proactive! Donate your time to a worthy cause. Just because you're not spending Valentines Day with a valentine, does not mean you can't spend it with those less fortunate than you. Many people cant even buy chocolates or gifts! lol..
4)Prioritize! Make a list of things that need to be prioritized in your life. Once you have made a list of most important things you would like to do with yourself, write out a plan to help you reach those goals. Notice - get a girl or guy isn't at the top of the list..? :P
5)Reorganize! Get ready for your new life. Make Valentines Day your new spring-cleaning day! Tackle your closet with a new plan, put all the clothes you don't wear anymore into a donation pile, and rearrange the clothes you do wear.
6)Take a short trip. Pack a bag and hit the road. Planning a short trip will take your mind off the whole Valentines Day tradition and it will be a fun getaway.
7)Think positively. Not having someone to share Valentines Day with isn't the end of the world. Just think, not having a valentine is much easier if you arent focusing on being like everyone else, and you just enjoy your own company. You are worth it!
8)Spend time with your family./good single friends Make it a night to remember by watching all classic romance movies together.
9)Get physical baby! Go for a run. Go to the gym. Play a round of golf. Go for a hike. Do something active-anything active-to keep you busy and get your endorphins pumping.
10)Be creative. Be artistic. Channel your emotions into creating a painting, a poem, or a song. When you have a Valentine next year, you can share with them your work. :)
Anyway, here are some ideas for you singles out there.. I have waaaay too many ideas for those who are NOT single.. I am waiting for the right guy to give my all to someday..
Many ways to pass the time on VDAY - I just thought I would pass on a few favorites for those less fortunate than myself, unless of course you enjoy sitting in your bedroom weeping into a box of chocolates (probably the one you bought for an intended sweetie who has since snubbed you..)
1. Enjoy a nice day outside. The fresh air will do you good, and as you walk around you'll notice all the happy couples, and the flower carts on every corner, this will further your belief that "all the good ones are taken" and/or "I don't have a chance in hell" and it's always nice to be proven wrong. This might bring your despair level to a peak. At times you may be tempted to walk up to one of these happy couples and slap one of them silly (usually it's the one speaking "baby talk" to thier partner loud enough that it can be heard by passers-by), please feel free to do this, as it will make you feel better, as an added bonus, the endorphine/adenaline rush you get after running away at high speeds from the person you have assaulted will make you feel on top of the world! j/k
2. Go to the gym, it will be near empty as most others will be getting no work-out at all and probably speaking/doing nonsense they will never do again (if they are like my exes) once they "get to know" them. You will have free reign of the machines, and the next day you will be in so much pain that you will be spared from having see all of those people who will be there trying to work off the 6 ounces they gained from eating one too many butter-cremes.
3. Hop on the internet, log into any IRC channel you see fit (the ones with "flirt" or "love" in the names are best for the following purpose), after you have become nauseated with the flood of ASCII roses, stupid pop-ups and enough cute /action commands, type in a good twelve lines about how stupid these people are and how we should all go out and find a real person to date.
4. Buy cinnamon hearts (those little red ones that are so prevelant around this time of year), and I mean a lot of them. cinnamon hearts have a uniqe property that when they become damp they will stick to anything with a force rivaling super glue (it is rumored that cinnimon hearts were developed with the intention of creating a new surgical adhesive). Take your time in a public park covering an entire statue (bench or other such park fixture) completely in cinnamon hearts. If anyone stops you tell them it's in the name of love, and begin pelting them with the aforementiond candies. This should kill a few hours, and the resulting red-sticky residue will be around for months as rain does it's lovely work.
5. Chocolate is cheap around V-day, this is a great opportunity to test many of the scientific theories about chocolate. Buy as much as you can, and begin eating around 8 AM, don't stop till well in the afternoon. After you come down from the combination sugar/caffeine rush (or get back from the stomach pumping station at your local hospital) publish your results on the internet, claim that chocolate will never be better than sex, and complain about how you had to waste such a precious holiday to prove such a point.
6. Buy an old set of army fatigues and the semi-automatic rifle of your choice, (for extra fun, add a bayonet) and go down to a local german resturaunt. If you can, gather some friends to go with you. Perform a strategic assault on the resturaunt or any restaurant, and take the staff hostage, inform the customers that they have been freed and can go (trust me, it's german food, most will be appreciative), take the owners and staff...oh wait, this should be in the "Fun things to do on VE-Day..nvm.
Just remember the right person is out there, dont settle and you too will find them. Til then.. love yourself silly! :)
1)Pamper Yourself: make an appointment at the day spa, be indulgent, or splurge at home.
2)Celebrate with friends! For girls: plan a girl's night, or for guys: plan a guys night or fondling one another to determine whose balls are bigger. Guys are sad.
3)Be Proactive! Donate your time to a worthy cause. Just because you're not spending Valentines Day with a valentine, does not mean you can't spend it with those less fortunate than you. Many people cant even buy chocolates or gifts! lol..
4)Prioritize! Make a list of things that need to be prioritized in your life. Once you have made a list of most important things you would like to do with yourself, write out a plan to help you reach those goals. Notice - get a girl or guy isn't at the top of the list..? :P
5)Reorganize! Get ready for your new life. Make Valentines Day your new spring-cleaning day! Tackle your closet with a new plan, put all the clothes you don't wear anymore into a donation pile, and rearrange the clothes you do wear.
6)Take a short trip. Pack a bag and hit the road. Planning a short trip will take your mind off the whole Valentines Day tradition and it will be a fun getaway.
7)Think positively. Not having someone to share Valentines Day with isn't the end of the world. Just think, not having a valentine is much easier if you arent focusing on being like everyone else, and you just enjoy your own company. You are worth it!
8)Spend time with your family./good single friends Make it a night to remember by watching all classic romance movies together.
9)Get physical baby! Go for a run. Go to the gym. Play a round of golf. Go for a hike. Do something active-anything active-to keep you busy and get your endorphins pumping.
10)Be creative. Be artistic. Channel your emotions into creating a painting, a poem, or a song. When you have a Valentine next year, you can share with them your work. :)
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Unlikely place for a witnessing
1/27/2009 at 2:53 pm gwd
Delete 1/27/2009 at 2:53 pm
(2:53:08 pm)gwd:Hi, just came across your rant about people stating they are "sarcastic" as an introduction to their abrasive personality, and couldn't agree with you more.
(2:53:13 pm)Sharizx9:hi
(2:53:17 pm)Sharizx9:thanks
(2:54:36 pm)gwd:whoops, I just finished reading the end
(2:55:01 pm)Sharizx9:lol
(2:55:05 pm)gwd:I guess thanks for cleaning up the language
(2:55:12 pm)Sharizx9:its ok
(2:55:20 pm)Sharizx9:i gave credit where it was due just now though
(2:55:32 pm)Sharizx9:i reposted because i agreed with it too
(2:55:36 pm)Sharizx9:and it needed to be said..
(2:55:50 pm)Sharizx9:i just told the person who wrote it that you also liked it
(2:56:05 pm)gwd:cool thanks
(2:56:09 pm)Sharizx9:np!
(2:56:11 pm)Sharizx9::)
(3:00:04 pm)gwd:I'm Den by the way.
(3:00:24 pm)Sharizx9:Hi Den. I'm calling myself S
(3:00:56 pm)gwd:is that an 'S' or a "five"
(3:01:08 pm)Sharizx9:it is an "S"
(3:01:17 pm)Sharizx9:as in Sam, or the end of Den :P
(3:01:25 pm)gwd:okay S its nice to meet you
(3:01:29 pm)Sharizx9:nice to meet you
(3:04:04 pm)gwd:You're quite the writer. Excuse me for not keeping up on the conversation. I'm just finishing up reading your ad.
(3:04:20 pm)Sharizx9:i am happy to hear you are reading my WHOLE ad.. its rare..
(3:06:15 pm)gwd:You start off easy but then wham! you lay it out there on the message me part.
(3:06:36 pm)gwd:I'll be honest I skipped through the music and food part.
(3:06:45 pm)Sharizx9:lol.. well i dont want just anyone to message me.. i know exactly what im looking for and want..
(3:06:51 pm)Sharizx9:ooh those parts are good
(3:06:57 pm)Sharizx9:food nad music.. good times
(3:07:24 pm)gwd:haha the one time I take the easy way out it comes back to bite me.
(3:07:38 pm)Sharizx9:no way.. im not judging you.. its all good :)
(3:08:32 pm)gwd:I only know about half the people you listed, but I guess that why we have youtube.
(3:08:40 pm)Sharizx9:yeah :)
(3:08:55 pm)gwd:at least you gave me something to do tonight
(3:09:10 pm)Sharizx9:your choice in what you do! :)
(3:09:47 pm)gwd:I'm always will to expand my mind
(3:09:59 pm)Sharizx9:very cool
(3:10:04 pm)gwd:always willing
(3:10:56 pm)Sharizx9:chk the movies out i talked bout too!
(3:11:02 pm)Sharizx9:they are pretty awesome
(3:11:52 pm)gwd:I do like anime. and V for Vendetta is listed on my must watch list.
(3:12:06 pm)gwd:actually it the only movie I have listed
(3:12:12 pm)Sharizx9:yeah totally.. it was so good.. alot of references to our current political environment..
(3:12:18 pm)Sharizx9:lucky they shot it out of the US
(3:13:46 pm)gwd:I agree. I think that is why it struck a chord with me.
(3:14:11 pm)Sharizx9:mhmm me too
(3:16:00 pm)gwd:Why do you have such faith in your God?
(3:16:18 pm)Sharizx9:er, well it has been life changing
(3:16:34 pm)Sharizx9:"my God" has truly changed me and my life
(3:16:41 pm)Sharizx9:and my perceptions on life
(3:16:59 pm)Sharizx9:dont get my wrong I helped
(3:17:10 pm)Sharizx9:but alot of it has been me dragging my feet and later being like ok God.. i get it this time, and then I dont get it. lol
(3:17:11 pm)Sharizx9:lol
(3:18:09 pm)Sharizx9:i mean i have fought tooth and nail with "my God"
(3:18:22 pm)gwd:I'm afraid I don't get it.
(3:18:25 pm)Sharizx9:but then later realized.. dude im a moron, it would have been so much easier to just go with it, to just trust in Him and put Him first..
(3:19:01 pm)Sharizx9:well for one my God doesnt want to harm me.. and everything that happens in life.. is usually for my good
(3:19:15 pm)Sharizx9:even the things that seem uncomfortable at the time or really frustrating to me
(3:19:22 pm)Sharizx9:hA HA I didnt get that one for a LONG time..
(3:19:46 pm)gwd:that which does not kill you right
(3:19:50 pm)Sharizx9:i dragged my feet and would fight and would insult God..lol
(3:20:04 pm)Sharizx9:and God just well loved me through it
(3:20:13 pm)Sharizx9:and opened my eyes to lessons i needed to see and learn
(3:20:33 pm)Sharizx9:i angrily would just stomp around and complain and question etc
(3:20:38 pm)Sharizx9:but then.. in retrospect.. I would see..
(3:20:50 pm)Sharizx9:so thats what i mean by alot of it has been me dragging my feet
(3:21:20 pm)Sharizx9:little by little i am learning.. its a lifelong process with God
(3:21:27 pm)Sharizx9:God doesnt give up on me ever
(3:21:30 pm)Sharizx9:lol
(3:22:05 pm)Sharizx9:for instance I am waay more patient and loving than I was say.. 1 year ago
(3:22:21 pm)Sharizx9:there is a reason for that.. and its God
(3:22:52 pm)Sharizx9:I am much more akin to the needs of others... because of Gods teachings to me
(3:23:27 pm)Sharizx9:idk... i cant explain it really.. you just have to experience God to know.. and to change.. some people get it, and some people get it and push it away out of selfishness and pride.
(3:23:53 pm)gwd:How did you find God? I mean when, how did this spiritual awakiening happen?
(3:24:05 pm)Sharizx9:wow.. how did i find God
(3:24:10 pm)Sharizx9:thats a crazy story!
(3:24:19 pm)Sharizx9:no really.. i dont think you have the time
(3:24:21 pm)Sharizx9:lol or the energy
(3:25:00 pm)gwd:I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know. I have my reasons for asking too.
(3:25:06 pm)Sharizx9:well..
(3:25:17 pm)Sharizx9:this may sound strange but i believe God found me..
(3:25:26 pm)gwd:I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know.
(3:26:02 pm)Sharizx9:this may sound strange but i believe God found me. I mean I didnt even know i was looking for something
(3:26:13 pm)gwd:sorry about the repeat.
(3:26:25 pm)Sharizx9:i was just going through my life in the depressing, usual way that people do
(3:26:38 pm)Sharizx9:filled with desires for fame, money, "love" etc
(3:26:57 pm)Sharizx9:and well at some point things had gotten really bad with all of the above and it caused my eyes to be opened to something (I didnt know what it was though!) ..
(3:27:08 pm)Sharizx9:but truly it is when we are in trouble that we look for "God"
(3:27:14 pm)Sharizx9:and I was in a whole lot of trouble!
(3:27:43 pm)Sharizx9:so i gave in .. i had a change of heart and said im gonna try this God
(3:27:53 pm)Sharizx9:Fuck, I dont believe in God.. but what else do I have to lose, I mean really?
(3:28:05 pm)Sharizx9:im at my lowest.. i mean there is nothing/no one else
(3:28:20 pm)Sharizx9:that is when God comes.. because then is when we are ready..lol
(3:28:45 pm)Sharizx9:we are not full of pride and self satisfaction etc.. shunning God.. not "needing God"
(3:29:00 pm)Sharizx9:anyway, i didnt even know it ..
(3:29:12 pm)Sharizx9:but there i was.. losing my pride.. losing my "ego"
(3:29:28 pm)Sharizx9:and then I prayed.. earnest prayer.. crying, thining of my life and what it had become and all the mistakes I had made, saying if you exist .. i mean if you are real
(3:29:40 pm)Sharizx9:then come on! pls help me, i beg you pls help me
(3:29:47 pm)Sharizx9:over and over and over again ..
(3:30:03 pm)Sharizx9:and because God had been there all along
(3:30:14 pm)Sharizx9:I finally "felt" God and He was there.. with me..living breathing and with me! I had no fear, no thoughts of hurt, it was.. well,
(3:30:31 pm)Sharizx9:and then ... I took the next steps
(3:31:05 pm)Sharizx9:the more steps I take, the more God is there and I can feel it and know with certainty
(3:31:36 pm)Sharizx9:BUT when my pride creeps in.. when I am feeling selfish, or tempted or etc..
(3:32:12 pm)Sharizx9:God doesnt move away from me, I move away from God.. and because its a truly loving God - I am allowed to do/go as I please.
(3:32:29 pm)Sharizx9:if I choose not to serve.. I am allowed and i get the consequenses of that..
(3:32:44 pm)Sharizx9:if I choose to give in and submit to the will of God.. I am allowed too, but the difference is, he blesses me.
(3:33:10 pm)Sharizx9:does this make any sense?
(3:33:15 pm)Sharizx9:sorry, i dont usually talk to people about this
(3:34:03 pm)gwd:I'm the one that asked.
(3:34:26 pm)Sharizx9:k :)
(3:34:29 pm)gwd:I have my own reasons for wanting to know about god
(3:34:38 pm)Sharizx9:oh.. cool
(3:34:58 pm)Sharizx9:well i would say dont ask me! lol.. im no pro.. i can only tell you what i know and what i personally have learned
(3:35:15 pm)Sharizx9:i say if you want to know about God.. go where God is
(3:35:35 pm)Sharizx9:and most importantly.. say whats up to God.
(3:35:52 pm)Sharizx9:actually talk and be real with God.
(3:36:10 pm)Sharizx9:thats the start i think.. actually being able to start a conversation.. beginning building that relationship - like any relationship
(3:36:13 pm)Sharizx9:im trying to do that too
(3:36:53 pm)Sharizx9:you know?
(3:38:21 pm)gwd:I don't want to listen to some expert
(3:38:55 pm)gwd:I actually want to know about real people
(3:39:05 pm)Sharizx9:well im as real as it gets i guess!
(3:39:11 pm)Sharizx9:i mean i have such a crazy background
(3:39:13 pm)gwd:real experiences
(3:39:23 pm)Sharizx9:you wouldnt think someone like me would even believe in God
(3:39:28 pm)Sharizx9:but it happened..
(3:39:37 pm)Sharizx9:and it will keep happening..to others..
(3:39:44 pm)Sharizx9:its destined actually
(3:40:00 pm)gwd:I believe in God I just don't have faith in him.
(3:40:08 pm)Sharizx9:you know what? neither did i..
(3:40:19 pm)Sharizx9:that is the harder step..
(3:40:29 pm)Sharizx9:knowing God is there but then not taking the faith and actions leap
(3:40:41 pm)gwd:what about bad things happening to good people?
(3:41:37 pm)gwd:sorry i'm not trying to get into a discussion with you.
(3:42:06 pm)Sharizx9:you know what if you dont want to talk to me its ok.. but if you do want to talk to me.. just tell me you do, ok?
(3:42:37 pm)gwd:no I want to talk to you. I just don't want to seem like I came to argue with you about god
(3:42:50 pm)Sharizx9:lol.. no worries i dont believe in arguing about God
(3:43:01 pm)gwd:good me either
(3:43:04 pm)Sharizx9:i just say it like it is ..fro mwhat i know..
(3:43:12 pm)Sharizx9:you dont have to believe or agree :)
(3:43:17 pm)Sharizx9:i wont judge you
(3:43:28 pm)Sharizx9:Jesus said dont judge.. so i try not to now
(3:43:32 pm)Sharizx9:you know?
(3:43:52 pm)Sharizx9:he didnt say dont judge certain people who believe what you believe
(3:44:04 pm)Sharizx9:he said dont judge at all, lest you be judged with the same severity..
(3:44:13 pm)Sharizx9:that means all people.. in all fairness.
(3:45:33 pm)gwd:I know what you're saying
(3:45:41 pm)Sharizx9:so its cool.. lets talk if you want.. if you want to go, go.
(3:45:47 pm)Sharizx9:what would you like to know about me and God?
(3:47:21 pm)gwd:Awesome, if you don't mind I'm going to ask for your opinion on this next question.
(3:47:33 pm)Sharizx9:ok
(3:47:52 pm)gwd:What would you do if you found out that you had say ten years to live
(3:48:09 pm)Sharizx9:truthfully?
(3:48:15 pm)gwd:yes
(3:48:43 pm)Sharizx9:i would give it up to God, pray about it, determined what I wanted to do with that 10 years and make every freaking day count until then.
(3:49:50 pm)gwd:you wouldn't be mad at him for giving you only ten years?
(3:49:50 pm)Sharizx9:for me, with what I know about Jesus..there will be a way..either way His will will be done, so why fight it? that is where i am now with it, i didnt used to be but now after all thats happened, I am trying to submit to God more and more..
(3:49:57 pm)Sharizx9:yes i would
(3:50:06 pm)Sharizx9:my body, my relevant mind would be raving mad
(3:50:12 pm)Sharizx9:but... and this is the big but
(3:50:36 pm)Sharizx9:I choose His will over mine.. until I got to this place, I was ALWAYS mad
(3:50:50 pm)Sharizx9:and so things kept happening to me in life..situations to teach me patience, situations to teach me to surrender, situations to give me humility etc etc
(3:51:19 pm)Sharizx9:they made me so mad at the time.. I would be so freaking confused and feel so bad about myself..
(3:51:51 pm)Sharizx9:but over time.. little by little.. he has pushed (and allowed through life experiences and even the devils temptations) me in the direction I need to be
(3:52:20 pm)Sharizx9:man, we can either fight Him all the way there.. or we can give in and be happy about it and just go and get blessed in the process..
(3:52:24 pm)Sharizx9:either way.. we are goin..
(3:52:32 pm)Sharizx9:either way the end comes.
(3:52:55 pm)Sharizx9:im gonna cry
(3:53:12 pm)Sharizx9:this is a blessing..
(3:53:13 pm)gwd:don't cry
(3:53:24 pm)Sharizx9:in telling you this, He has just made me realize something I been asking about for a long time - about relationships, about where to be, about what to do..
(3:53:51 pm)Sharizx9:no its ok to cry..
(3:54:00 pm)Sharizx9:please never tell someone not to cry..
(3:54:04 pm)Sharizx9:you know why?
(3:54:14 pm)gwd:no i don't know why
(3:54:24 pm)Sharizx9:when you tell a child not to cry
(3:54:38 pm)Sharizx9:youare in essence asking them not to feel what they are feeling
(3:54:51 pm)gwd:I see
(3:54:57 pm)Sharizx9:you are leting them know that their feelings are not acceptable..
(3:55:08 pm)Sharizx9:and children who are not allowed to cry
(3:55:15 pm)Sharizx9:become adults that stifle their emotions or try to use things to stifle emotions
(3:55:21 pm)gwd:That is very mind blowing... but good to know.
(3:55:31 pm)Sharizx9:adults that cannot attune to their own pain
(3:55:43 pm)Sharizx9:and adults that cannot feel, cannot feel for others
(3:55:59pm)Sharizx9:then they become hate filled and the only emotion/things they can access is anger and self degradation
(3:56:28 pm)Sharizx9:it is ok for me to cry when something bad happens and I am sad about it
(3:56:38 pm)Sharizx9:and this may blow your mind, but its ok for you to cry too
(3:56:50 pm)gwd:okay, then why are you crying?
(3:56:56 pm)Sharizx9:it took me 30 years to learn that
(3:57:10 pm)Sharizx9:30 years to learn that it is ok to cry
(3:57:18 pm)Sharizx9:and you know who taught me?
(3:57:27 pm)Sharizx9:God.. by his example in the bible..
(3:57:53 pm)Sharizx9:im crying in this instance because i am happy..
(3:57:57 pm)Sharizx9:crying can be both you know!
(3:58:27 pm)gwd:What did you just figure out?
(3:58:58 pm)Sharizx9:well ive been wondering what the deal is with God now that I let go of my need for a car here and to have everything be cushy in CA
(3:59:13 pm)Sharizx9:and the truth is.. it doesnt have to be.. im going where im going regardless..
(3:59:28 pm)Sharizx9:either i enjoy the journey or I fight him again for another 6 months..
(3:59:52 pm)Sharizx9:and why would i fight him? because inevitably he has always given me exactly what I need and taken me where I need to be
(4:00:00 pm)Sharizx9:and I am ALWAYS happier in the end..
(4:00:18 pm)Sharizx9:so i am crying because this time i am gonna just give in ..
(4:00:25 pm)Sharizx9:i am going to take my own advice to you
(4:00:28 pm)Sharizx9::)
(4:01:11 pm)gwd:sweet, glad I can help... kidding. I glad I got to witness you find some peace of mind.
(4:01:47 pm)Sharizx9:lol
(4:02:11 pm)Sharizx9:yeah .. it's moments like this. that make me glad I have God.
(4:02:59 pm)Sharizx9:a lot of people have no one.. or believe only in luck and in other humans or "things" to bring them happiness..
(4:03:28 pm)Sharizx9:what about you? what were your reasons you said u wanted to know about God?
(4:03:57 pm)Sharizx9:something about bad things happening to good people..
(4:04:18 pm)gwd:and ten years to live
(4:04:24 pm)Sharizx9:yes
(4:04:39 pm)gwd:you're a smart girl just peice it together
(4:05:06 pm)Sharizx9:i cant piece together your thoughts..lol didnt you read my ad? i dont read minds and dont ever want to :)
(4:05:50 pm)gwd:Oh, okay. Here goes...
(4:06:34 pm)gwd:I have a bad heart. Books will tell you I have 5 years to live. My doctors say anywhere from 10 to 15.
(4:06:56 pm)Sharizx9:ok and why do you say good people? do you think you are a good person?
(4:07:47 pm)gwd:I don't know any more. I used to think I was.
(4:08:02 pm)Sharizx9:i am going to say something that may upset you or make you mad
(4:08:24 pm)Sharizx9:and if it does.. i understand.. but know that it is your choice to get mad or to ask me what I mean, ok?
(4:08:26 pm)gwd:but then it gets into a whole discussion about karma or fate/destiny
(4:08:47 pm)gwd:go ahead I don't get mad
(4:09:07 pm)Sharizx9:you are not a good person. there are no "good" people.
(4:09:42 pm)Sharizx9:if you believe in God. whether you have faith or not, he gives a standard that cannot be denied in the bible of what constitutes a "good person"
(4:10:04 pm)gwd:the ten commandments?
(4:10:11 pm)Sharizx9:er, in any book of any "God" Torah, Koran, etc., commandments. you can only try to be a good person. you are not already inherently good, because you have bad thoughts
(4:10:30 pm)Sharizx9:and there is negativity in you ..as well as behaviors/choices that are not "good"
(4:10:36 pm)gwd:Okay I see that
(4:10:49 pm)Sharizx9:mind you im not just talking about you, im talking about you as a human
(4:11:07 pm)Sharizx9:pls i dont want you to think i am judging you as a person.. im not.
(4:11:11 pm)gwd:No I understand where you are coming from
(4:11:38 pm)gwd:Please, go on.
(4:11:46 pm)Sharizx9:so by the bible standards.. if you have broken one commandment you are not a good person.. nor would you.. ever go to heaven.. as it were.. unless you repent and stayed clear of sinning.
(4:12:04 pm)Sharizx9:by human standards you may not be as good as you think, either..
(4:13:09 pm)Sharizx9:but here is the real ticker.. God doesnt care about that. God still gives you a chance to try. Humans don't. God still shows you what you need to do and is very explicit. Humans are not. and at the end of the day.. God blesses the wicked AND those who try to be good.
(4:14:10 pm)Sharizx9:God cares more about saving the lost, than he does about the righteous. Jesus didnt die for those who are righteous. Jesus died for YOU. those who are imperfect, those who have anger, those who watch porn, those who steal, etc
(4:14:56 pm)Sharizx9:so talking about bad things happening to good people, you know good things also happen to bad people, and vice versa.
(4:15:09 pm)Sharizx9:the sun shines on all of us, he says. "I make the sun shine on all, I bless all and love all." im not pulling this out of my ass, its in the Bible.
(4:15:23 pm)Sharizx9:he says also why worry about tomorrow? what will we wear, what will we eat, where will we go" etc
(4:15:50 pm)Sharizx9:God alone is hanging the entire world on a string and makes the sun shine on the plants and the air for the birds to fly in. You choose Him and to do right, He blesses you. You are also free to choose to continue in sin reap from that too til the end comes.
(4:16:21 pm)Sharizx9:Jesus said, ignorant Man, do you not know you are more important to God than they? You who are so faithless, how long will I be with you?
(4:17:46 pm)Sharizx9:Dude, Jesus was very intelligent, almost every question I have had has been answered by him in human form.. in the bible..
(4:18:30 pm)Sharizx9:those commandments are damn hard to stick to!
(4:18:37 pm)Sharizx9:i know, because i have tried.. and still try..
(4:18:40 pm)Sharizx9:but...
(4:19:06 pm)Sharizx9:Jesus died so that I dont have to.. well I want to, but Jesus died so that its ok that I mess up.
(4:20:14 pm)gwd:I know about the bible I went to catholic school for 12 years
(4:20:57 pm)gwd:Like I said I believe there is a God... it's just my faith in him has been a little shaken.
(4:21:24 pm)Sharizx9:knowing about the bible from catholic school and opening it up now are 2 very different things
(4:21:28 pm)gwd:But you have help me to open my eyes to a few things that I need to seriously think about
(4:21:40 pm)Sharizx9:if it were me, I would open it now and see what you learn
(4:21:49 pm)Sharizx9:the truth is everytime i open it i learn something new
(4:21:55 pm)Sharizx9:something relevant
(4:22:25 pm)gwd:I couldn't agree more about the bible I knew about then and the bible I would learn from today
(4:22:50 pm)Sharizx9:its not me, its God, who loves you reaching out to you..through me. trust it and go with it.
(4:22:59 pm)Sharizx9:Catholic school we were forced to learn it
(4:23:13 pm)Sharizx9:but not really consider it, looking at the messages and how to apply them to our lives or even given love to learn it from.
(4:23:33 pm)Sharizx9:the bible is what good to you if you dont apply it? what good is any knowledge with out practice and application?
(4:23:45 pm)Sharizx9:thats what Paul taught me. Ephesians..
(4:24:21 pm)Sharizx9:im telling you i did not know any of this before i started reading that feakin book.. to me, it truly is the manual for humans..
(4:24:28 pm)Sharizx9:as a creation why would I ignore my own manual from my inventor? lol the book is really old man, AND STILL AROUND, it has to be right in some respect..
(4:25:10 pm)Sharizx9:I say get to know Jesus..
(4:25:16 pm)Sharizx9:then go backward..
(4:25:19 pm)Sharizx9:then forward..
(4:25:41 pm)Sharizx9:i started with Matthew.. and really be open to what you are reading.. put yourself there.. in that time etc
(4:25:51 pm)gwd:You are a way rad chick and I'm glad God lead me to you. You have given me much to chew on tonight. Plus I still have to listen to your music list.
(4:26:34 pm)Sharizx9:put on the gladiator clothes...walk with the lepers etc..chill with Noah watching everyone die and why in that Ark, be there about to kill your only Son and think of Gods personality and knowledge. you know?. go there, like in your mind.. and be open to the messages/the points Jesus makes before dying for you - you will find they are just as relevant today
(4:27:17 pm)Sharizx9:thats what happened to me man.. thats my story.. it will open up to you.. if you let it
(4:29:55 pm)gwd:This has been a really interesting experience. I'm just sitting here taking it all in. I would love to chat some more but for now I have a little bit of pondering to do.
(4:30:03 pm)Sharizx9:ok np
(4:30:22 pm)gwd:what is np
(4:31:58 pm)Sharizx9:Nice to meet you Den..dont give up on God, God obviously hasnt given up on you cause we talked. Thats what the Devil wants you to do. to second guess yourself, to feel angry, to feel bad about yourself, to blame others, to get lost in your addictions, to feel pressured etc..anything to keep you from the truth - anything to keep you from God.
(4:32:04 pm)Sharizx9:np = no problem :)
(4:34:16 pm)gwd:It was a real pleasure to meet you S. I'm sure this won't be the last time I talk to you. Take care and have a good night.
(4:34:41 pm)Sharizx9:instead of thinking you have 5 less years...think that you have 5 more years. 5 more years..look at it from the positive perspective shift..you too Den. Good night man.
(4:36:50 pm)gwd:I refuse to look at it either way cause they aren't taking me with out a fight.
(4:37:45 pm)gwd:Thanks for everything.
(4:38:29 pm)Sharizx9:np :)
Delete 1/27/2009 at 2:53 pm
(2:53:08 pm)gwd:Hi, just came across your rant about people stating they are "sarcastic" as an introduction to their abrasive personality, and couldn't agree with you more.
(2:53:13 pm)Sharizx9:hi
(2:53:17 pm)Sharizx9:thanks
(2:54:36 pm)gwd:whoops, I just finished reading the end
(2:55:01 pm)Sharizx9:lol
(2:55:05 pm)gwd:I guess thanks for cleaning up the language
(2:55:12 pm)Sharizx9:its ok
(2:55:20 pm)Sharizx9:i gave credit where it was due just now though
(2:55:32 pm)Sharizx9:i reposted because i agreed with it too
(2:55:36 pm)Sharizx9:and it needed to be said..
(2:55:50 pm)Sharizx9:i just told the person who wrote it that you also liked it
(2:56:05 pm)gwd:cool thanks
(2:56:09 pm)Sharizx9:np!
(2:56:11 pm)Sharizx9::)
(3:00:04 pm)gwd:I'm Den by the way.
(3:00:24 pm)Sharizx9:Hi Den. I'm calling myself S
(3:00:56 pm)gwd:is that an 'S' or a "five"
(3:01:08 pm)Sharizx9:it is an "S"
(3:01:17 pm)Sharizx9:as in Sam, or the end of Den :P
(3:01:25 pm)gwd:okay S its nice to meet you
(3:01:29 pm)Sharizx9:nice to meet you
(3:04:04 pm)gwd:You're quite the writer. Excuse me for not keeping up on the conversation. I'm just finishing up reading your ad.
(3:04:20 pm)Sharizx9:i am happy to hear you are reading my WHOLE ad.. its rare..
(3:06:15 pm)gwd:You start off easy but then wham! you lay it out there on the message me part.
(3:06:36 pm)gwd:I'll be honest I skipped through the music and food part.
(3:06:45 pm)Sharizx9:lol.. well i dont want just anyone to message me.. i know exactly what im looking for and want..
(3:06:51 pm)Sharizx9:ooh those parts are good
(3:06:57 pm)Sharizx9:food nad music.. good times
(3:07:24 pm)gwd:haha the one time I take the easy way out it comes back to bite me.
(3:07:38 pm)Sharizx9:no way.. im not judging you.. its all good :)
(3:08:32 pm)gwd:I only know about half the people you listed, but I guess that why we have youtube.
(3:08:40 pm)Sharizx9:yeah :)
(3:08:55 pm)gwd:at least you gave me something to do tonight
(3:09:10 pm)Sharizx9:your choice in what you do! :)
(3:09:47 pm)gwd:I'm always will to expand my mind
(3:09:59 pm)Sharizx9:very cool
(3:10:04 pm)gwd:always willing
(3:10:56 pm)Sharizx9:chk the movies out i talked bout too!
(3:11:02 pm)Sharizx9:they are pretty awesome
(3:11:52 pm)gwd:I do like anime. and V for Vendetta is listed on my must watch list.
(3:12:06 pm)gwd:actually it the only movie I have listed
(3:12:12 pm)Sharizx9:yeah totally.. it was so good.. alot of references to our current political environment..
(3:12:18 pm)Sharizx9:lucky they shot it out of the US
(3:13:46 pm)gwd:I agree. I think that is why it struck a chord with me.
(3:14:11 pm)Sharizx9:mhmm me too
(3:16:00 pm)gwd:Why do you have such faith in your God?
(3:16:18 pm)Sharizx9:er, well it has been life changing
(3:16:34 pm)Sharizx9:"my God" has truly changed me and my life
(3:16:41 pm)Sharizx9:and my perceptions on life
(3:16:59 pm)Sharizx9:dont get my wrong I helped
(3:17:10 pm)Sharizx9:but alot of it has been me dragging my feet and later being like ok God.. i get it this time, and then I dont get it. lol
(3:17:11 pm)Sharizx9:lol
(3:18:09 pm)Sharizx9:i mean i have fought tooth and nail with "my God"
(3:18:22 pm)gwd:I'm afraid I don't get it.
(3:18:25 pm)Sharizx9:but then later realized.. dude im a moron, it would have been so much easier to just go with it, to just trust in Him and put Him first..
(3:19:01 pm)Sharizx9:well for one my God doesnt want to harm me.. and everything that happens in life.. is usually for my good
(3:19:15 pm)Sharizx9:even the things that seem uncomfortable at the time or really frustrating to me
(3:19:22 pm)Sharizx9:hA HA I didnt get that one for a LONG time..
(3:19:46 pm)gwd:that which does not kill you right
(3:19:50 pm)Sharizx9:i dragged my feet and would fight and would insult God..lol
(3:20:04 pm)Sharizx9:and God just well loved me through it
(3:20:13 pm)Sharizx9:and opened my eyes to lessons i needed to see and learn
(3:20:33 pm)Sharizx9:i angrily would just stomp around and complain and question etc
(3:20:38 pm)Sharizx9:but then.. in retrospect.. I would see..
(3:20:50 pm)Sharizx9:so thats what i mean by alot of it has been me dragging my feet
(3:21:20 pm)Sharizx9:little by little i am learning.. its a lifelong process with God
(3:21:27 pm)Sharizx9:God doesnt give up on me ever
(3:21:30 pm)Sharizx9:lol
(3:22:05 pm)Sharizx9:for instance I am waay more patient and loving than I was say.. 1 year ago
(3:22:21 pm)Sharizx9:there is a reason for that.. and its God
(3:22:52 pm)Sharizx9:I am much more akin to the needs of others... because of Gods teachings to me
(3:23:27 pm)Sharizx9:idk... i cant explain it really.. you just have to experience God to know.. and to change.. some people get it, and some people get it and push it away out of selfishness and pride.
(3:23:53 pm)gwd:How did you find God? I mean when, how did this spiritual awakiening happen?
(3:24:05 pm)Sharizx9:wow.. how did i find God
(3:24:10 pm)Sharizx9:thats a crazy story!
(3:24:19 pm)Sharizx9:no really.. i dont think you have the time
(3:24:21 pm)Sharizx9:lol or the energy
(3:25:00 pm)gwd:I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know. I have my reasons for asking too.
(3:25:06 pm)Sharizx9:well..
(3:25:17 pm)Sharizx9:this may sound strange but i believe God found me..
(3:25:26 pm)gwd:I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know.
(3:26:02 pm)Sharizx9:this may sound strange but i believe God found me. I mean I didnt even know i was looking for something
(3:26:13 pm)gwd:sorry about the repeat.
(3:26:25 pm)Sharizx9:i was just going through my life in the depressing, usual way that people do
(3:26:38 pm)Sharizx9:filled with desires for fame, money, "love" etc
(3:26:57 pm)Sharizx9:and well at some point things had gotten really bad with all of the above and it caused my eyes to be opened to something (I didnt know what it was though!) ..
(3:27:08 pm)Sharizx9:but truly it is when we are in trouble that we look for "God"
(3:27:14 pm)Sharizx9:and I was in a whole lot of trouble!
(3:27:43 pm)Sharizx9:so i gave in .. i had a change of heart and said im gonna try this God
(3:27:53 pm)Sharizx9:Fuck, I dont believe in God.. but what else do I have to lose, I mean really?
(3:28:05 pm)Sharizx9:im at my lowest.. i mean there is nothing/no one else
(3:28:20 pm)Sharizx9:that is when God comes.. because then is when we are ready..lol
(3:28:45 pm)Sharizx9:we are not full of pride and self satisfaction etc.. shunning God.. not "needing God"
(3:29:00 pm)Sharizx9:anyway, i didnt even know it ..
(3:29:12 pm)Sharizx9:but there i was.. losing my pride.. losing my "ego"
(3:29:28 pm)Sharizx9:and then I prayed.. earnest prayer.. crying, thining of my life and what it had become and all the mistakes I had made, saying if you exist .. i mean if you are real
(3:29:40 pm)Sharizx9:then come on! pls help me, i beg you pls help me
(3:29:47 pm)Sharizx9:over and over and over again ..
(3:30:03 pm)Sharizx9:and because God had been there all along
(3:30:14 pm)Sharizx9:I finally "felt" God and He was there.. with me..living breathing and with me! I had no fear, no thoughts of hurt, it was.. well,
(3:30:31 pm)Sharizx9:and then ... I took the next steps
(3:31:05 pm)Sharizx9:the more steps I take, the more God is there and I can feel it and know with certainty
(3:31:36 pm)Sharizx9:BUT when my pride creeps in.. when I am feeling selfish, or tempted or etc..
(3:32:12 pm)Sharizx9:God doesnt move away from me, I move away from God.. and because its a truly loving God - I am allowed to do/go as I please.
(3:32:29 pm)Sharizx9:if I choose not to serve.. I am allowed and i get the consequenses of that..
(3:32:44 pm)Sharizx9:if I choose to give in and submit to the will of God.. I am allowed too, but the difference is, he blesses me.
(3:33:10 pm)Sharizx9:does this make any sense?
(3:33:15 pm)Sharizx9:sorry, i dont usually talk to people about this
(3:34:03 pm)gwd:I'm the one that asked.
(3:34:26 pm)Sharizx9:k :)
(3:34:29 pm)gwd:I have my own reasons for wanting to know about god
(3:34:38 pm)Sharizx9:oh.. cool
(3:34:58 pm)Sharizx9:well i would say dont ask me! lol.. im no pro.. i can only tell you what i know and what i personally have learned
(3:35:15 pm)Sharizx9:i say if you want to know about God.. go where God is
(3:35:35 pm)Sharizx9:and most importantly.. say whats up to God.
(3:35:52 pm)Sharizx9:actually talk and be real with God.
(3:36:10 pm)Sharizx9:thats the start i think.. actually being able to start a conversation.. beginning building that relationship - like any relationship
(3:36:13 pm)Sharizx9:im trying to do that too
(3:36:53 pm)Sharizx9:you know?
(3:38:21 pm)gwd:I don't want to listen to some expert
(3:38:55 pm)gwd:I actually want to know about real people
(3:39:05 pm)Sharizx9:well im as real as it gets i guess!
(3:39:11 pm)Sharizx9:i mean i have such a crazy background
(3:39:13 pm)gwd:real experiences
(3:39:23 pm)Sharizx9:you wouldnt think someone like me would even believe in God
(3:39:28 pm)Sharizx9:but it happened..
(3:39:37 pm)Sharizx9:and it will keep happening..to others..
(3:39:44 pm)Sharizx9:its destined actually
(3:40:00 pm)gwd:I believe in God I just don't have faith in him.
(3:40:08 pm)Sharizx9:you know what? neither did i..
(3:40:19 pm)Sharizx9:that is the harder step..
(3:40:29 pm)Sharizx9:knowing God is there but then not taking the faith and actions leap
(3:40:41 pm)gwd:what about bad things happening to good people?
(3:41:37 pm)gwd:sorry i'm not trying to get into a discussion with you.
(3:42:06 pm)Sharizx9:you know what if you dont want to talk to me its ok.. but if you do want to talk to me.. just tell me you do, ok?
(3:42:37 pm)gwd:no I want to talk to you. I just don't want to seem like I came to argue with you about god
(3:42:50 pm)Sharizx9:lol.. no worries i dont believe in arguing about God
(3:43:01 pm)gwd:good me either
(3:43:04 pm)Sharizx9:i just say it like it is ..fro mwhat i know..
(3:43:12 pm)Sharizx9:you dont have to believe or agree :)
(3:43:17 pm)Sharizx9:i wont judge you
(3:43:28 pm)Sharizx9:Jesus said dont judge.. so i try not to now
(3:43:32 pm)Sharizx9:you know?
(3:43:52 pm)Sharizx9:he didnt say dont judge certain people who believe what you believe
(3:44:04 pm)Sharizx9:he said dont judge at all, lest you be judged with the same severity..
(3:44:13 pm)Sharizx9:that means all people.. in all fairness.
(3:45:33 pm)gwd:I know what you're saying
(3:45:41 pm)Sharizx9:so its cool.. lets talk if you want.. if you want to go, go.
(3:45:47 pm)Sharizx9:what would you like to know about me and God?
(3:47:21 pm)gwd:Awesome, if you don't mind I'm going to ask for your opinion on this next question.
(3:47:33 pm)Sharizx9:ok
(3:47:52 pm)gwd:What would you do if you found out that you had say ten years to live
(3:48:09 pm)Sharizx9:truthfully?
(3:48:15 pm)gwd:yes
(3:48:43 pm)Sharizx9:i would give it up to God, pray about it, determined what I wanted to do with that 10 years and make every freaking day count until then.
(3:49:50 pm)gwd:you wouldn't be mad at him for giving you only ten years?
(3:49:50 pm)Sharizx9:for me, with what I know about Jesus..there will be a way..either way His will will be done, so why fight it? that is where i am now with it, i didnt used to be but now after all thats happened, I am trying to submit to God more and more..
(3:49:57 pm)Sharizx9:yes i would
(3:50:06 pm)Sharizx9:my body, my relevant mind would be raving mad
(3:50:12 pm)Sharizx9:but... and this is the big but
(3:50:36 pm)Sharizx9:I choose His will over mine.. until I got to this place, I was ALWAYS mad
(3:50:50 pm)Sharizx9:and so things kept happening to me in life..situations to teach me patience, situations to teach me to surrender, situations to give me humility etc etc
(3:51:19 pm)Sharizx9:they made me so mad at the time.. I would be so freaking confused and feel so bad about myself..
(3:51:51 pm)Sharizx9:but over time.. little by little.. he has pushed (and allowed through life experiences and even the devils temptations) me in the direction I need to be
(3:52:20 pm)Sharizx9:man, we can either fight Him all the way there.. or we can give in and be happy about it and just go and get blessed in the process..
(3:52:24 pm)Sharizx9:either way.. we are goin..
(3:52:32 pm)Sharizx9:either way the end comes.
(3:52:55 pm)Sharizx9:im gonna cry
(3:53:12 pm)Sharizx9:this is a blessing..
(3:53:13 pm)gwd:don't cry
(3:53:24 pm)Sharizx9:in telling you this, He has just made me realize something I been asking about for a long time - about relationships, about where to be, about what to do..
(3:53:51 pm)Sharizx9:no its ok to cry..
(3:54:00 pm)Sharizx9:please never tell someone not to cry..
(3:54:04 pm)Sharizx9:you know why?
(3:54:14 pm)gwd:no i don't know why
(3:54:24 pm)Sharizx9:when you tell a child not to cry
(3:54:38 pm)Sharizx9:youare in essence asking them not to feel what they are feeling
(3:54:51 pm)gwd:I see
(3:54:57 pm)Sharizx9:you are leting them know that their feelings are not acceptable..
(3:55:08 pm)Sharizx9:and children who are not allowed to cry
(3:55:15 pm)Sharizx9:become adults that stifle their emotions or try to use things to stifle emotions
(3:55:21 pm)gwd:That is very mind blowing... but good to know.
(3:55:31 pm)Sharizx9:adults that cannot attune to their own pain
(3:55:43 pm)Sharizx9:and adults that cannot feel, cannot feel for others
(3:55:59pm)Sharizx9:then they become hate filled and the only emotion/things they can access is anger and self degradation
(3:56:28 pm)Sharizx9:it is ok for me to cry when something bad happens and I am sad about it
(3:56:38 pm)Sharizx9:and this may blow your mind, but its ok for you to cry too
(3:56:50 pm)gwd:okay, then why are you crying?
(3:56:56 pm)Sharizx9:it took me 30 years to learn that
(3:57:10 pm)Sharizx9:30 years to learn that it is ok to cry
(3:57:18 pm)Sharizx9:and you know who taught me?
(3:57:27 pm)Sharizx9:God.. by his example in the bible..
(3:57:53 pm)Sharizx9:im crying in this instance because i am happy..
(3:57:57 pm)Sharizx9:crying can be both you know!
(3:58:27 pm)gwd:What did you just figure out?
(3:58:58 pm)Sharizx9:well ive been wondering what the deal is with God now that I let go of my need for a car here and to have everything be cushy in CA
(3:59:13 pm)Sharizx9:and the truth is.. it doesnt have to be.. im going where im going regardless..
(3:59:28 pm)Sharizx9:either i enjoy the journey or I fight him again for another 6 months..
(3:59:52 pm)Sharizx9:and why would i fight him? because inevitably he has always given me exactly what I need and taken me where I need to be
(4:00:00 pm)Sharizx9:and I am ALWAYS happier in the end..
(4:00:18 pm)Sharizx9:so i am crying because this time i am gonna just give in ..
(4:00:25 pm)Sharizx9:i am going to take my own advice to you
(4:00:28 pm)Sharizx9::)
(4:01:11 pm)gwd:sweet, glad I can help... kidding. I glad I got to witness you find some peace of mind.
(4:01:47 pm)Sharizx9:lol
(4:02:11 pm)Sharizx9:yeah .. it's moments like this. that make me glad I have God.
(4:02:59 pm)Sharizx9:a lot of people have no one.. or believe only in luck and in other humans or "things" to bring them happiness..
(4:03:28 pm)Sharizx9:what about you? what were your reasons you said u wanted to know about God?
(4:03:57 pm)Sharizx9:something about bad things happening to good people..
(4:04:18 pm)gwd:and ten years to live
(4:04:24 pm)Sharizx9:yes
(4:04:39 pm)gwd:you're a smart girl just peice it together
(4:05:06 pm)Sharizx9:i cant piece together your thoughts..lol didnt you read my ad? i dont read minds and dont ever want to :)
(4:05:50 pm)gwd:Oh, okay. Here goes...
(4:06:34 pm)gwd:I have a bad heart. Books will tell you I have 5 years to live. My doctors say anywhere from 10 to 15.
(4:06:56 pm)Sharizx9:ok and why do you say good people? do you think you are a good person?
(4:07:47 pm)gwd:I don't know any more. I used to think I was.
(4:08:02 pm)Sharizx9:i am going to say something that may upset you or make you mad
(4:08:24 pm)Sharizx9:and if it does.. i understand.. but know that it is your choice to get mad or to ask me what I mean, ok?
(4:08:26 pm)gwd:but then it gets into a whole discussion about karma or fate/destiny
(4:08:47 pm)gwd:go ahead I don't get mad
(4:09:07 pm)Sharizx9:you are not a good person. there are no "good" people.
(4:09:42 pm)Sharizx9:if you believe in God. whether you have faith or not, he gives a standard that cannot be denied in the bible of what constitutes a "good person"
(4:10:04 pm)gwd:the ten commandments?
(4:10:11 pm)Sharizx9:er, in any book of any "God" Torah, Koran, etc., commandments. you can only try to be a good person. you are not already inherently good, because you have bad thoughts
(4:10:30 pm)Sharizx9:and there is negativity in you ..as well as behaviors/choices that are not "good"
(4:10:36 pm)gwd:Okay I see that
(4:10:49 pm)Sharizx9:mind you im not just talking about you, im talking about you as a human
(4:11:07 pm)Sharizx9:pls i dont want you to think i am judging you as a person.. im not.
(4:11:11 pm)gwd:No I understand where you are coming from
(4:11:38 pm)gwd:Please, go on.
(4:11:46 pm)Sharizx9:so by the bible standards.. if you have broken one commandment you are not a good person.. nor would you.. ever go to heaven.. as it were.. unless you repent and stayed clear of sinning.
(4:12:04 pm)Sharizx9:by human standards you may not be as good as you think, either..
(4:13:09 pm)Sharizx9:but here is the real ticker.. God doesnt care about that. God still gives you a chance to try. Humans don't. God still shows you what you need to do and is very explicit. Humans are not. and at the end of the day.. God blesses the wicked AND those who try to be good.
(4:14:10 pm)Sharizx9:God cares more about saving the lost, than he does about the righteous. Jesus didnt die for those who are righteous. Jesus died for YOU. those who are imperfect, those who have anger, those who watch porn, those who steal, etc
(4:14:56 pm)Sharizx9:so talking about bad things happening to good people, you know good things also happen to bad people, and vice versa.
(4:15:09 pm)Sharizx9:the sun shines on all of us, he says. "I make the sun shine on all, I bless all and love all." im not pulling this out of my ass, its in the Bible.
(4:15:23 pm)Sharizx9:he says also why worry about tomorrow? what will we wear, what will we eat, where will we go" etc
(4:15:50 pm)Sharizx9:God alone is hanging the entire world on a string and makes the sun shine on the plants and the air for the birds to fly in. You choose Him and to do right, He blesses you. You are also free to choose to continue in sin reap from that too til the end comes.
(4:16:21 pm)Sharizx9:Jesus said, ignorant Man, do you not know you are more important to God than they? You who are so faithless, how long will I be with you?
(4:17:46 pm)Sharizx9:Dude, Jesus was very intelligent, almost every question I have had has been answered by him in human form.. in the bible..
(4:18:30 pm)Sharizx9:those commandments are damn hard to stick to!
(4:18:37 pm)Sharizx9:i know, because i have tried.. and still try..
(4:18:40 pm)Sharizx9:but...
(4:19:06 pm)Sharizx9:Jesus died so that I dont have to.. well I want to, but Jesus died so that its ok that I mess up.
(4:20:14 pm)gwd:I know about the bible I went to catholic school for 12 years
(4:20:57 pm)gwd:Like I said I believe there is a God... it's just my faith in him has been a little shaken.
(4:21:24 pm)Sharizx9:knowing about the bible from catholic school and opening it up now are 2 very different things
(4:21:28 pm)gwd:But you have help me to open my eyes to a few things that I need to seriously think about
(4:21:40 pm)Sharizx9:if it were me, I would open it now and see what you learn
(4:21:49 pm)Sharizx9:the truth is everytime i open it i learn something new
(4:21:55 pm)Sharizx9:something relevant
(4:22:25 pm)gwd:I couldn't agree more about the bible I knew about then and the bible I would learn from today
(4:22:50 pm)Sharizx9:its not me, its God, who loves you reaching out to you..through me. trust it and go with it.
(4:22:59 pm)Sharizx9:Catholic school we were forced to learn it
(4:23:13 pm)Sharizx9:but not really consider it, looking at the messages and how to apply them to our lives or even given love to learn it from.
(4:23:33 pm)Sharizx9:the bible is what good to you if you dont apply it? what good is any knowledge with out practice and application?
(4:23:45 pm)Sharizx9:thats what Paul taught me. Ephesians..
(4:24:21 pm)Sharizx9:im telling you i did not know any of this before i started reading that feakin book.. to me, it truly is the manual for humans..
(4:24:28 pm)Sharizx9:as a creation why would I ignore my own manual from my inventor? lol the book is really old man, AND STILL AROUND, it has to be right in some respect..
(4:25:10 pm)Sharizx9:I say get to know Jesus..
(4:25:16 pm)Sharizx9:then go backward..
(4:25:19 pm)Sharizx9:then forward..
(4:25:41 pm)Sharizx9:i started with Matthew.. and really be open to what you are reading.. put yourself there.. in that time etc
(4:25:51 pm)gwd:You are a way rad chick and I'm glad God lead me to you. You have given me much to chew on tonight. Plus I still have to listen to your music list.
(4:26:34 pm)Sharizx9:put on the gladiator clothes...walk with the lepers etc..chill with Noah watching everyone die and why in that Ark, be there about to kill your only Son and think of Gods personality and knowledge. you know?. go there, like in your mind.. and be open to the messages/the points Jesus makes before dying for you - you will find they are just as relevant today
(4:27:17 pm)Sharizx9:thats what happened to me man.. thats my story.. it will open up to you.. if you let it
(4:29:55 pm)gwd:This has been a really interesting experience. I'm just sitting here taking it all in. I would love to chat some more but for now I have a little bit of pondering to do.
(4:30:03 pm)Sharizx9:ok np
(4:30:22 pm)gwd:what is np
(4:31:58 pm)Sharizx9:Nice to meet you Den..dont give up on God, God obviously hasnt given up on you cause we talked. Thats what the Devil wants you to do. to second guess yourself, to feel angry, to feel bad about yourself, to blame others, to get lost in your addictions, to feel pressured etc..anything to keep you from the truth - anything to keep you from God.
(4:32:04 pm)Sharizx9:np = no problem :)
(4:34:16 pm)gwd:It was a real pleasure to meet you S. I'm sure this won't be the last time I talk to you. Take care and have a good night.
(4:34:41 pm)Sharizx9:instead of thinking you have 5 less years...think that you have 5 more years. 5 more years..look at it from the positive perspective shift..you too Den. Good night man.
(4:36:50 pm)gwd:I refuse to look at it either way cause they aren't taking me with out a fight.
(4:37:45 pm)gwd:Thanks for everything.
(4:38:29 pm)Sharizx9:np :)
Monday, January 26, 2009
Give me revelation
My life,
Has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that’s gone
This time,
I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way, and
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
My life,
Has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way, and
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without…
I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead, now
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Oh, give me a revelation…
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that’s gone
This time,
I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way, and
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
My life,
Has led me down this path that’s ever winding
Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,
That I am lost again (I am lost again)
Tell me when this road will ever end
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way, and
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without…
I don’t know where I can turn
Tell me when will I learn
Won’t You show me where I need to go
Oh oh
Let me follow Your lead, now
I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Oh, give me a revelation…
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Needs for 09
These are the things I need for 2009 in order to stay on the happy side of healthy and sane.
Talk to God
To not be pregnant
Not to talk to Chris ever again
My own accomplishments (so I will not be attracted to those who seem more "intelligent")
My own ways to have fun! (so I will not be attracted to those who are impulsive and on drugs/alch.)
My own life goals (so there will be no temptation to make sacrifices for a man or taken in by someone elses ideas for MY life)
To nail down my values and desires (and stick to them and not make exceptions)
A car to get around
Lost in the Post - The Wombats
I should have known you didn't have the time my dear
To let this twenty something bring you down with his list of fears
I'd like to think we had some good times though
It's just my inability to think outside the box I know!
She was signed, sealed and lost in the post,
Gone where all the letters we write to Santa
Go (Go to Santa Go!)
I could see your interest wane my dear
She wanted Mary Poppins and I took her to King Lear
Yes we've had some spills shall I say
And I thought you were going to leave, but not that you'd evaporate
She was signed, sealed and lost in the post,
Gone where all the letters we write to Santa
Go (Go to Santa Go!)
Please go to Santa go to Santa go go go.......
She was signed, sealed and lost in the post,
Gone where all the letters we write to Santa
Go (Go to Santa Go!)
Talk to God
To not be pregnant
Not to talk to Chris ever again
My own accomplishments (so I will not be attracted to those who seem more "intelligent")
My own ways to have fun! (so I will not be attracted to those who are impulsive and on drugs/alch.)
My own life goals (so there will be no temptation to make sacrifices for a man or taken in by someone elses ideas for MY life)
To nail down my values and desires (and stick to them and not make exceptions)
A car to get around
Lost in the Post - The Wombats
I should have known you didn't have the time my dear
To let this twenty something bring you down with his list of fears
I'd like to think we had some good times though
It's just my inability to think outside the box I know!
She was signed, sealed and lost in the post,
Gone where all the letters we write to Santa
Go (Go to Santa Go!)
I could see your interest wane my dear
She wanted Mary Poppins and I took her to King Lear
Yes we've had some spills shall I say
And I thought you were going to leave, but not that you'd evaporate
She was signed, sealed and lost in the post,
Gone where all the letters we write to Santa
Go (Go to Santa Go!)
Please go to Santa go to Santa go go go.......
She was signed, sealed and lost in the post,
Gone where all the letters we write to Santa
Go (Go to Santa Go!)
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Insanity
Random Thoughts and Meanderings.. this is stream of consciousness writing. Thoughts with no filter.. move on to another entry if this is confusing to you....- I have been so miserable and sad and crying in my pillow, while driving, while sleeping, while showering, and while eating breakfast and dinner. Why though? Things are already picking up. So the last 3 days have been a crazy whirlwind. Before I began to break down this way, I had had it with Chris. I told him we cannot be friends and not to contact me again. Hopefully once and for all, I don't think he will be contacting me anymore. He just needs to find someone already since it wasn't me he wanted. I just need time to get over him, to move on with my life and then look back with fondness instead of sadness, and frustration. Every time he IMs me I am tempted to say, why are you not IMing the chick you took to the game or IMing some other girl you are talking to or some other "friend" that has come out of the woodwork suddenly when a week ago you said u had no friends. Tell them you love them..miss them etc. Not me please. I don't care and I don't believe you. You are a here today gone tomorrow. ADHD lover. Nothing you have said has meaning because you do not stand by anything you say. Your like a dog, you say something and 10 seconds later you forgot what you said. Your word is NOT bond. I really like the game apples to apples. I heard this crazy misogynist Tom Leykis on the radio today, and thought to myself, there you go dude, why don't you join this woman-hating jerk's legion of male whore followers and belong to a dysfunctional family to coax yourself with and keep you in denial of ever having to change your life for the better while endlessly searching for selfish pleasure and having no real semblance of accountability or respect for women or anyone yourself? If this guy is right about the men who listen to him, once Chris has his sex life going strong, I will be old news to him. Lord knows in real life, none of the behaviors this guy gives advice to men to do will have these ignorant, full of pride men end up actually happy or even with significant love in their lives, but what does he care? Been divorced 4 times. He knows nothing about love or relationships. The guy drips venom, he is jaded. He doesn't even like or respect women. He gets paid to talk shit on the radio and make sure people are titillated enough to keep listening. The more hate spewed the better the ratings. In my own news, it seems when Chris is out of my life things automatically fix themselves.. God starts to bless me hardcore. infections gone, various money situations.. I am apt hunting and job hunting and car hunting still. found a car for 2k, found 2 jobs i'm interested in. found 2 apts that i want. got math books yay! All to the effect for trying to stay in CA and finish getting a degree as well as tighten my bonds with friends. I've been all over LA looking but yet it seems God is taking me toward some type of assistance for others kind of jobs and blessing me with cars to use, money donations from friends, AND a temp place to live. My interviews are at companies that do things like feeding the needy of CA, teaching inner city kids, managing a foot dr's office, working with international design of public landscapes..etc. All service..what is it about service? Service.. I like service. I like being kind to people. Helping strangers. C isn't like that. Everyone is admonishing me how bad he was for me, and how unhappy that situation was and would be and why go back to our bad past, and how I need to be in a more uplifting atmosphere and with someone who is very patient and that I can respect and look up to in a meeting of the minds kind of way. Someone who is gentle. Wow, really? They can tell that? Well I do know whats best for me and they seem to have come up with the same resolution as me. Their advice is when I get weak, do not talk to him and never contact him - let him go find other girls, they say, and when those girls eventually tell him the same things you have said..or he sees the same problems creeping maybe then he will be intelligent enough to change for himself and maybe not, but why waste your time? He doesn't want you. That's great news! Whoa was that my belly? Eek i need to go to the bathroom. I'm so glad he actually knows that now .. or ? Wait, didn't he know that before too? Yeah before he said he didnt want to be with me AND he didnt love me anymore.. right. I remember. Oh you love me again? Well, its too late, there will be no coming back a third time. Your quarters are up buddy. LOL. I went to an interview today and ms beam was my interviewer. I worked for her 3 years ago and we met up again today for another company and another position. It would be great to work for her again. Also in deja vu news, I went to see an apt for rent and it just so happened to be in the same exact complex that I first went to when I first got to LA in 2005. The complex of complex's that MADE me WANT to live in a complex. Maytime.. ah. I'm off to bed.. I will get over all this .. little by little... one strong love filled day at a time..i shaved in celebration, i got new deodorant another interview tomorrow. and guess who is going to start wearing perfume again? mhmm..the shredder is working again..
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Thoughts and Feelings (aka Talk Therapy)
Um ok.. so this is going to be stream of consciousness thoughts and streaming words to get out my feelings and hopefully blunt some of the bad thoughts that could affect me in the future. Chris is on my mind. Our past, our mistakes and he shouldn't be right? He shouldnt be because we are over. And I need to work hard to put him behind me. i feel lonely, sad, discouraged and attacked. HE went on a date last night right? i feel abandonded. maybe he got some word back from his little ads online and finally took a plunge to the Kings game. Kings 4 Sharks 0 Sharks suck anyway. I dont know how they even got to play the Kings, Anyway, I watched president bush speaking about his past and his administration with his supreme sense of misguided confidence and I was sickened mostly. Then ashton kutcher in butterfly effect, wow dude, that was so powerful i think that is my fave movie he has done. Chris is not worth me thinking about now that we are broken up. i feel empowered and understood. he is moving on and i am moving on, hell i want to move on! i already did and then went back, how the hell did that happen anywho? was it my desperation? i dont even want to b with him. i made the decision the night he wouldn't talk to me so now its just getting over our memories and our past together, and staying strong with the NO contact and NO friendship. we can never be friends. if i am pregnant we can still not have contact and he will have to go to court and all that nonsense because he is difficult and possessive like that. its all good! i feel abused, guilttripped, lied to, humiliated. i am praying and a bunch of people are praying i am not, and hopefully i wont be. last p was the 26th of dec.! i dreamt last night that he was a dad and i felt i didn't want to let him be around the kid but i allowed it anyway because even tho he is a drug addict he is still capable of spending short periods of time sober and after all would be the father. who will help me move in 2 weeks? i am scared and frustrated. the guys from church i guess. beast says its ROUGH over thereon the east coast. i feel lucky. i am gonna have to pay so much money to get my stuff out of here..and to where? i dont even know. ugh. i feel lost and afraid. i have to let the lord lead me to the next step, i have no footing of my own at this point. i do not know what i want, where or how. i have a 2nd job interview tomorrow i feel nervous, scared, and pissed off that the salaries i am being offered are far below what i think i am worth and yet out of desperation i am accepting these shit salaries. its in culver city, will i be moving back there? is that gods will? i also have another interview in compton, and one in south central area. what the hell keeps taking me there? why? is it my fate from God to live in the ghetto? couldnt i do that in NY? lol. oh boy i cant do much here at home without a car. i feel inferior and powerless. somehow i have to fax this time sheet from the santa monica airfield on friday to the agency, but i dont have a fax or a means to get to one. gah. i will just be thankful right? i am still alive, i still have my legs, and tho i have body pains and may die alone, at least i did the best i could here while i was here. i mean truly..i did. i have no money for medical care for the lump in my breast, or the cysts in my ovaries or the back pain and now neck pain.. ah Paul. can i learn lessons from you in your joyousness being single and a eunuch and in countless trials?i miss my family. i miss my youth. i miss having a close relationship. i am better off without the one i had tho and even better without the one previous to that one. hopefully next time i will have the capacity to choose better and really know what i need and what i want and not settle for less. i feel capable and happy and stronger. time to change the songs on my profile. time to look for more apts without a car this week. time to pray once more today to please not be pregnant. i cannot use my phone anymore this week, i have run out of minutes! texts only. i am apprehensive nad anticipating my next steps and what i will do. its usually the not knowing feeling that kills me. why is the police bell ringing? look at my cards! aww this is a reminder of how special i am when i should forget.. and sometimes i do forget. having people around who put me down doesn't help me remember. i need to be around uplifting people, people who care and respect me and others. people who love me. kick the others to the curb..i need to return my math book to borders yikes its already the 13th.. only 4 more days with this book, i better go do some of this math.. i am ok now on most fractions and have learned alot more than i knew before, yay! i am going to stop this stream of consciousness writing for now and jsut click post.. please do not expect this to make sense to you if you dont understand this thinking. this is from the brain with no filter. thoughts as they come, feelings as they are felt, etc.. later gators skaters and whats up with my skateboard, i havent ridden in a bit, i need to get on that.. what a feeling that was.. ah.. i need to clean my room and do my wash, messy messy! i have to send roommate letters to the new people... oh man my fingers are hurting..print out for Jan Feb even tho there is no plan in place, god will make it so.. he has saved me before and he will come through again.. i just need to wait.. well i am gonna do math go, go now! dont wait.. its too important. i want to get better at it. i want to love it. math is my friend. math can be happy times too. i will shower in a bit and then follow up with friends via text. what is up for studio tonight? i have to finish that new song.. its so nice..
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Airplanes, connections and missed connections
Argh! The bills are piling in strong. Getting close to January 30th - time to move but where?! I can do this alone. I just have to trust in God and that there will be provisions.
I have decided no matter how desperate I get I am worth being loved and appreciated and no matter how badly I need a car, or money or whatever, I deserve for someone to treat me well and kindly all the time, not just when they want something. I deserve to be around adults and people emotionally capable of being honest with themselves and me.
Whoa I have a bit to say on this.. more on this after my massage and seeing another apt!
Ok so yeah... doing my best to forgive and forget and act with kindness. I want to write some things I am grateful for but today is not the day. Instead, I want to pray and ask those who know me to ask for prayer (whether you believe in God or not!) to God that I am not impregnated and have to pay for my stupid sex mistake with that guy for the rest of my life. I would hate to have a child grow up not ever knowing their father, but it would be the best way. Either way, I am going to pray every day til next month, that I am not pregnant by that guy and ask for forgiveness in being impulsive and foolish and taken in once more by words, of lies...
Please pray for me, whether or not you know me, whether or not you believe in God. Please pray.
In other news, I did a stint at a flying school. Wow, I think when I can I am going to try to get a pilot license. I saw someone with glasses and they were getting their commercial license. It was very cool watching and meeting the other pilots. It was not very cool doing the actual job. But I bit the bullet, decided I would make the best of it, and I did!
I have decided no matter how desperate I get I am worth being loved and appreciated and no matter how badly I need a car, or money or whatever, I deserve for someone to treat me well and kindly all the time, not just when they want something. I deserve to be around adults and people emotionally capable of being honest with themselves and me.
Whoa I have a bit to say on this.. more on this after my massage and seeing another apt!
Ok so yeah... doing my best to forgive and forget and act with kindness. I want to write some things I am grateful for but today is not the day. Instead, I want to pray and ask those who know me to ask for prayer (whether you believe in God or not!) to God that I am not impregnated and have to pay for my stupid sex mistake with that guy for the rest of my life. I would hate to have a child grow up not ever knowing their father, but it would be the best way. Either way, I am going to pray every day til next month, that I am not pregnant by that guy and ask for forgiveness in being impulsive and foolish and taken in once more by words, of lies...
Please pray for me, whether or not you know me, whether or not you believe in God. Please pray.
In other news, I did a stint at a flying school. Wow, I think when I can I am going to try to get a pilot license. I saw someone with glasses and they were getting their commercial license. It was very cool watching and meeting the other pilots. It was not very cool doing the actual job. But I bit the bullet, decided I would make the best of it, and I did!
Friday, January 9, 2009
I'm not having any of your cake
In every case I've ever seen/experienced, "Give me space" means "I'd rather not see you any more". I've used the phrase and had it used on me. I've seen my friends use it and have seen it used on them. It's the end of a relationship, not a relationship-building exercise. The way people make sure they are with the "one" isn't done by sleeping around- it's done by getting to know them.
http://ask.metafilter.com/100581/WTF-does-Space-Mean
A couple days ago I had gotten upset and hurt and wrote some stuff down about my dynamic with a certain someone from long ago and reasons to remain loyal and friendly pros and cons if you will. Tonight after having once more been shafted by this particular "friend" I revisited this and here is what I came to see.
The reasons for my love of this particular friend were:
feeling close to them
they were helping me with car/food/money
they are a "good friend"
i have fun with them many times and laugh
i relate to them
my nonlove of this particular friend were:
they have addict issues with drugs, porn, thrills, & food binging
they are not a gift giver
they sometimes lie to me
they are a click away from cheat
they are incredibly impulsive
now.. here is what I did I went back and looked at the good, what am I missing by not having this person in my life right?
lets start with the first
i feel close to them - well i could feasibly feel close to many people for diff reasons.. and this is not the only friend i have
they were helping me with money/car etc.. well lets look at this, help - help means to give without receiving, this person knows me and knows I cannot accept help without giving back, so technically they do expect something back and got something out of it
they are a good friend.. this was the ticker! I decided to reevaluate what makes someone a good friend.. and this is what I found..
1) ACCEPTANCE
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." (Walter Winchell)
Thinking back to last night, does this person really accept me? No, they dont.
2) AUTHENTICITY
Hmm, this is easy. can a person on drugs appreciate or even understand authenticity? No. Are you the same person at home, at school, at work, and everywhere else? Do you keep personal secrets or hidden habits from your friends?
"The best mirror is an old friend." (George Herbert)
3) AVAILABILITY
This was definitely another No.This person is only available when its something THEY WANT from me.
True friendships take time. Are you willing to make the effort to spend time with your friends? Are you available when they need you? If a friend calls you in the middle of the night, will you answer your phone?
"Friends show their love in times of trouble..." (Euripedes)
4) COMPASSION
This friend in this category is a DEFINITE resounding NO. Countless times this friend has not only seen me crying and treated me coldly but also when I told them they were hurting me, they blamed it on me instead of being understanding and acting kind! Not only is this person cruel and sadistic when I am hurt by them but they are so cold they actually don't want anything to do with me when I am truly sad and in my worst moments. THAT DOES NOT A GOOD FRIEND MAKE.
Do you feel sad when your friend is hurting? Can you count your friend's needs before your own at times? Are you willing to do whatever you can to help your friend when he or she needs it?
5) ENCOURAGEMENT
This friend is capable of this. This was a yes. Capable doesnt mean this is a quality. This person does sometimes listen to me however RARELY (not never) tries to understand how I feel about any situation.
Are you a good listener? Someone has said, "Everyone HEARS what you say, but a real friend actually LISTENS to you." While a friend is speaking, do you rehearse your response in your mind, or do you quietly absorb what he or she is saying? If your friend shares a concern or problem, do you quickly offer advice, or do you express understanding of how he or she must feel about the situation?
6) FORGIVENESS
This is one I too must work on. However we are looking at the particular friend I am now considering letting go of forever.. on this category, this friend is also a NO. This friend is constantly on guard for me mistrusting them, even when I am not.
If your friend does something that hurts you, are you willing to accept an apology? Do you continue to rehash what happened afterwards, or are you eager to reunite with your friend and move on? Can you let the past be the past?
7) FUN
This friend can be, but really when it comes to shared hobbies, NO. Though, life does for me seem lighter when we are together, apparently that sentiment isn't shared by them. What does this friend find "fun"? Death-defying stunts, snowboarding, skating, eating, getting high, having sex with strangers, being involved in orgies and sleeping or masturbating and doing absolutely nothing else all day. Does that sound at all like me? Does this friend do what I like to do, with me? RARELY. Yeah, exactly.
What do you and your friends do, when you get together? Do you share hobbies or interests with your friends? What makes you laugh, when you are together? Do you and your friends have private jokes or funny shared memories? Does life seem somehow lighter when you are together?
"There can be no Friendship where there is no Freedom." (William Penn)
9) HONESTY
This is a resounding drum screaming distortion guitar laced NO. This person has lied to me many many times.
Do you tell the truth? Can you see through the phony baloney, if others try to con you? Telling the truth is one way of demonstrating your respect for a friend. Are you willing to find positive ways to tell your friend the facts, even if the facts are negative or hurtful? If you really love your friend, you will look for gentle means of helping him or her improve and grow.
"An honest answer is the sign of true friendship." (Proverbs 24:26)
10) LOYALTY
This is a NO for this person also. I cannot depend on this friend emotionally and consistently AT ALL.
Can your friends rely on you to support them, even when you are angry with them? If you hear people bad-mouthing your friend, will you join the backbiting, or stick up for your pal? True friends are loyal and dependable. Can your friends depend on you?
11) PERSONALITY
This friend will always be interesting to me, but so will Louis Comfort and Mahatma Ghandi he they are dead too.
What are you passionate about? What gets you excited? When you are in a group, do you speak up about interesting topics?
12) TRUSTWORTHINESS
Friend pass/fail on this one? Fail. Friend is too inconsistent to be trustworthy in anything but very temporary requests and that is only IF THEY MATCH THEIR need at the time or involves some sexual act of some sort.
Can you keep a secret? If a friend tells you something personal, can you be trusted with that information?
"A friend loves at all times." (Proverbs 17:17)
"When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends." (Old Japanese proverb)
Even 10 year olds are capable of telling it like it is about friendship! If they know, then this person knows, and they just aren't my real friend. I mean after evaluating my "friendship" with that person, and seeing what I really already knew, its staggering to me that I allowed myself to think this person made a good friend or ever even possibly more!
I really needed to see that to actually evaluate and reevaluate what "a good friend" is, and that person is NOT a good friend. In order to have good friends, one must also be one. I have NO reason to remain loyal and to do so is foolishness. Some how to be a friend advice from children... !
"I think a good friend is somebody who you can trust and tell secrets to, and never lies to you."
Toni, 10, Manchester
"A friend should be there for you all the time when they can, not just when they want to be. They should also except who you are and not try to change you."
Abe, 14, Norfolk
"To me a good friend is someone you can share your beliefs and passions with"
Matte, 14, Stoke
"A good friend is someone who listens to you without complaining or is about blaming you, keeps in contact even though you may be far apart and has things in common with you! A good friend will always try to be there for you no matter what."
Jimmie, 12, Cheltenham
"I think a real friend is caring, understanding, kind and considerate to you!"
Kelly, 10, Basildon
There are so many ways to tell if someone's a good friend, it's really up to you what you consider it to be. But "being there for you" means they're always there to help you, care for you, laugh and cry with you, and doing things that show they want to be a big part of your life. This applies even if they're not really there. I have a best friend of 10 years, but she lives hours away. Neither of us feel that our friendship has suffered though, because I know that I can count on her for absolutely anything because she will "always be there for me."
Joe, 26
So.. there it is. Seems I forgot what makes a good friend for a bit there and got lured in once more by a snake.. this snake has been out to get me for some time.. and keeps winning me back with words.. but lots of people can say words, its TIME that backs them up and once again this person OVER TIME has shown they are not a good friend and not worthy of my loyalty that I keep showing them. Ah co-dependence.. will I never get rid of you? Certainly not if I stay in THAT friendship...abuse doesn't get better over time, it generally only gets worse.
http://ask.metafilter.com/100581/WTF-does-Space-Mean
A couple days ago I had gotten upset and hurt and wrote some stuff down about my dynamic with a certain someone from long ago and reasons to remain loyal and friendly pros and cons if you will. Tonight after having once more been shafted by this particular "friend" I revisited this and here is what I came to see.
The reasons for my love of this particular friend were:
feeling close to them
they were helping me with car/food/money
they are a "good friend"
i have fun with them many times and laugh
i relate to them
my nonlove of this particular friend were:
they have addict issues with drugs, porn, thrills, & food binging
they are not a gift giver
they sometimes lie to me
they are a click away from cheat
they are incredibly impulsive
now.. here is what I did I went back and looked at the good, what am I missing by not having this person in my life right?
lets start with the first
i feel close to them - well i could feasibly feel close to many people for diff reasons.. and this is not the only friend i have
they were helping me with money/car etc.. well lets look at this, help - help means to give without receiving, this person knows me and knows I cannot accept help without giving back, so technically they do expect something back and got something out of it
they are a good friend.. this was the ticker! I decided to reevaluate what makes someone a good friend.. and this is what I found..
1) ACCEPTANCE
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." (Walter Winchell)
Thinking back to last night, does this person really accept me? No, they dont.
2) AUTHENTICITY
Hmm, this is easy. can a person on drugs appreciate or even understand authenticity? No. Are you the same person at home, at school, at work, and everywhere else? Do you keep personal secrets or hidden habits from your friends?
"The best mirror is an old friend." (George Herbert)
3) AVAILABILITY
This was definitely another No.This person is only available when its something THEY WANT from me.
True friendships take time. Are you willing to make the effort to spend time with your friends? Are you available when they need you? If a friend calls you in the middle of the night, will you answer your phone?
"Friends show their love in times of trouble..." (Euripedes)
4) COMPASSION
This friend in this category is a DEFINITE resounding NO. Countless times this friend has not only seen me crying and treated me coldly but also when I told them they were hurting me, they blamed it on me instead of being understanding and acting kind! Not only is this person cruel and sadistic when I am hurt by them but they are so cold they actually don't want anything to do with me when I am truly sad and in my worst moments. THAT DOES NOT A GOOD FRIEND MAKE.
Do you feel sad when your friend is hurting? Can you count your friend's needs before your own at times? Are you willing to do whatever you can to help your friend when he or she needs it?
5) ENCOURAGEMENT
This friend is capable of this. This was a yes. Capable doesnt mean this is a quality. This person does sometimes listen to me however RARELY (not never) tries to understand how I feel about any situation.
Are you a good listener? Someone has said, "Everyone HEARS what you say, but a real friend actually LISTENS to you." While a friend is speaking, do you rehearse your response in your mind, or do you quietly absorb what he or she is saying? If your friend shares a concern or problem, do you quickly offer advice, or do you express understanding of how he or she must feel about the situation?
6) FORGIVENESS
This is one I too must work on. However we are looking at the particular friend I am now considering letting go of forever.. on this category, this friend is also a NO. This friend is constantly on guard for me mistrusting them, even when I am not.
If your friend does something that hurts you, are you willing to accept an apology? Do you continue to rehash what happened afterwards, or are you eager to reunite with your friend and move on? Can you let the past be the past?
7) FUN
This friend can be, but really when it comes to shared hobbies, NO. Though, life does for me seem lighter when we are together, apparently that sentiment isn't shared by them. What does this friend find "fun"? Death-defying stunts, snowboarding, skating, eating, getting high, having sex with strangers, being involved in orgies and sleeping or masturbating and doing absolutely nothing else all day. Does that sound at all like me? Does this friend do what I like to do, with me? RARELY. Yeah, exactly.
What do you and your friends do, when you get together? Do you share hobbies or interests with your friends? What makes you laugh, when you are together? Do you and your friends have private jokes or funny shared memories? Does life seem somehow lighter when you are together?
"There can be no Friendship where there is no Freedom." (William Penn)
9) HONESTY
This is a resounding drum screaming distortion guitar laced NO. This person has lied to me many many times.
Do you tell the truth? Can you see through the phony baloney, if others try to con you? Telling the truth is one way of demonstrating your respect for a friend. Are you willing to find positive ways to tell your friend the facts, even if the facts are negative or hurtful? If you really love your friend, you will look for gentle means of helping him or her improve and grow.
"An honest answer is the sign of true friendship." (Proverbs 24:26)
10) LOYALTY
This is a NO for this person also. I cannot depend on this friend emotionally and consistently AT ALL.
Can your friends rely on you to support them, even when you are angry with them? If you hear people bad-mouthing your friend, will you join the backbiting, or stick up for your pal? True friends are loyal and dependable. Can your friends depend on you?
11) PERSONALITY
This friend will always be interesting to me, but so will Louis Comfort and Mahatma Ghandi he they are dead too.
What are you passionate about? What gets you excited? When you are in a group, do you speak up about interesting topics?
12) TRUSTWORTHINESS
Friend pass/fail on this one? Fail. Friend is too inconsistent to be trustworthy in anything but very temporary requests and that is only IF THEY MATCH THEIR need at the time or involves some sexual act of some sort.
Can you keep a secret? If a friend tells you something personal, can you be trusted with that information?
"A friend loves at all times." (Proverbs 17:17)
"When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends." (Old Japanese proverb)
Even 10 year olds are capable of telling it like it is about friendship! If they know, then this person knows, and they just aren't my real friend. I mean after evaluating my "friendship" with that person, and seeing what I really already knew, its staggering to me that I allowed myself to think this person made a good friend or ever even possibly more!
I really needed to see that to actually evaluate and reevaluate what "a good friend" is, and that person is NOT a good friend. In order to have good friends, one must also be one. I have NO reason to remain loyal and to do so is foolishness. Some how to be a friend advice from children... !
"I think a good friend is somebody who you can trust and tell secrets to, and never lies to you."
Toni, 10, Manchester
"A friend should be there for you all the time when they can, not just when they want to be. They should also except who you are and not try to change you."
Abe, 14, Norfolk
"To me a good friend is someone you can share your beliefs and passions with"
Matte, 14, Stoke
"A good friend is someone who listens to you without complaining or is about blaming you, keeps in contact even though you may be far apart and has things in common with you! A good friend will always try to be there for you no matter what."
Jimmie, 12, Cheltenham
"I think a real friend is caring, understanding, kind and considerate to you!"
Kelly, 10, Basildon
There are so many ways to tell if someone's a good friend, it's really up to you what you consider it to be. But "being there for you" means they're always there to help you, care for you, laugh and cry with you, and doing things that show they want to be a big part of your life. This applies even if they're not really there. I have a best friend of 10 years, but she lives hours away. Neither of us feel that our friendship has suffered though, because I know that I can count on her for absolutely anything because she will "always be there for me."
Joe, 26
So.. there it is. Seems I forgot what makes a good friend for a bit there and got lured in once more by a snake.. this snake has been out to get me for some time.. and keeps winning me back with words.. but lots of people can say words, its TIME that backs them up and once again this person OVER TIME has shown they are not a good friend and not worthy of my loyalty that I keep showing them. Ah co-dependence.. will I never get rid of you? Certainly not if I stay in THAT friendship...abuse doesn't get better over time, it generally only gets worse.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
We are "alone"
Wow. Talk about a whammy of a conversation to knock me out today on Christmas. I called my family today to wish them a Merry Christmas and no on answered. I called my grandfather as part of the course and he spoke with me for a good long time about his situation, his view of me and his feelings.
I am so hurt. I feel so absolutely terrible. I dont even want to leave my house and feel majorly depressed. When I was wondering for months back in Jan 08 if I should go back to them and just stay with them and take care of them instead of come out here and try to do something with myself and my life. The plan was I was going to give up my life for about 5 years until they passed on. I was told by family members, "no we are here, and will care for them, I spoke with my father and mother and was told, No, you have to live your own life, they will be proud of you, they would have wanted you to be happy and do what you need to do for yourself. We all want you to be happy."
I took this information as proof that I should go back to school and continue try to accomplish something here for me, for my life. I have been speaking to my grandfather on and off, trying to keep in touch, and randomly tell him of the things that have occurred in the last terrible 5 months. Talking about the issues I am facing here and how I may have to return In Feb due to the economy and not being able to find work here and not having a fucking car here and still fucking not knowing what I want to do WITH MY LIFE for a career. I told him I am a 4.0 GPA and that I passed all my classes. I told him of how much I have learned here about myself and the world and of God. I told him of my sorrows and all I get from him is yelling. Last week when I told him of losing my apt and a place to live and not having a job, he said to me "no, you shouldn't come back at all." "good luck to you, stay there, if you are having trouble, get on public assistance, the government can help you. we pay taxes for that. you will be fine."
This morning he says, and I quote the yelling, "I knew you were doing absolutely nothing with your life there", "I knew you were making a huge mistake" "when you left you did what you wanted and now look at you, you are nothing." "you always do what you want, you are selfish." "you left with nothing and you come back with nothing." "We are your family and would have been there for you and you left us here." "We are going into our 80's and we are all alone, all the time, what you should have done, what you should do is come home, learn how to do things around the house and take care of us and we will take care of you." "You wanted for nothing here. We cared for you. Instead you leave to go to that hellhole and look, you are penniless and jobless and have accomplished absolutely nothing in CA."
"Come home. We could die here and no one would care less or notice. You should come back and live here and just take care of us. Worry about us and we will worry about you. Focus on us, and we will focus on you. We need your help and you need ours because you cant do anything on your own." You have no control over your life."
So now I feel like complete shit. Have I really accomplished nothing at all here in 2 years? I mean what am I doing? What is going on with me? I mean am I truly the loser he says I am? I feel after everything I have learned about abuse, that my upbringing was abusive and going back home to living with yelling, and put downs and who think I am nothing and have nothing, would not be the healthiest for me. I also feel it is my duty to take care of them. To have no life of my own and just care for them until they pass. They need me. I miss my family and my grandparents, but emotionally its not always the healthiest of places for me to be.
I don't know. I'm fucking feeling horrible right now.
I am so hurt. I feel so absolutely terrible. I dont even want to leave my house and feel majorly depressed. When I was wondering for months back in Jan 08 if I should go back to them and just stay with them and take care of them instead of come out here and try to do something with myself and my life. The plan was I was going to give up my life for about 5 years until they passed on. I was told by family members, "no we are here, and will care for them, I spoke with my father and mother and was told, No, you have to live your own life, they will be proud of you, they would have wanted you to be happy and do what you need to do for yourself. We all want you to be happy."
I took this information as proof that I should go back to school and continue try to accomplish something here for me, for my life. I have been speaking to my grandfather on and off, trying to keep in touch, and randomly tell him of the things that have occurred in the last terrible 5 months. Talking about the issues I am facing here and how I may have to return In Feb due to the economy and not being able to find work here and not having a fucking car here and still fucking not knowing what I want to do WITH MY LIFE for a career. I told him I am a 4.0 GPA and that I passed all my classes. I told him of how much I have learned here about myself and the world and of God. I told him of my sorrows and all I get from him is yelling. Last week when I told him of losing my apt and a place to live and not having a job, he said to me "no, you shouldn't come back at all." "good luck to you, stay there, if you are having trouble, get on public assistance, the government can help you. we pay taxes for that. you will be fine."
This morning he says, and I quote the yelling, "I knew you were doing absolutely nothing with your life there", "I knew you were making a huge mistake" "when you left you did what you wanted and now look at you, you are nothing." "you always do what you want, you are selfish." "you left with nothing and you come back with nothing." "We are your family and would have been there for you and you left us here." "We are going into our 80's and we are all alone, all the time, what you should have done, what you should do is come home, learn how to do things around the house and take care of us and we will take care of you." "You wanted for nothing here. We cared for you. Instead you leave to go to that hellhole and look, you are penniless and jobless and have accomplished absolutely nothing in CA."
"Come home. We could die here and no one would care less or notice. You should come back and live here and just take care of us. Worry about us and we will worry about you. Focus on us, and we will focus on you. We need your help and you need ours because you cant do anything on your own." You have no control over your life."
So now I feel like complete shit. Have I really accomplished nothing at all here in 2 years? I mean what am I doing? What is going on with me? I mean am I truly the loser he says I am? I feel after everything I have learned about abuse, that my upbringing was abusive and going back home to living with yelling, and put downs and who think I am nothing and have nothing, would not be the healthiest for me. I also feel it is my duty to take care of them. To have no life of my own and just care for them until they pass. They need me. I miss my family and my grandparents, but emotionally its not always the healthiest of places for me to be.
I don't know. I'm fucking feeling horrible right now.
Letters to God 6
11/2/08
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for today an the opportunity to get my things done & needs taken care of. Your blessings are undeserved but completely appreciated. Please bless my friends and family and help them to come to know you. Your will be done in my life. Thank you Father – Amen.
11/10/08
Dear Lord,
Tahnk you for your blessings & lessons being poured out on me. I am confused Jehovah. Please point the way you want me to go? What do you want me to do? Leave/stay? If so, plase put things I need in my life to get there. Please bless Jane and Asha as they are in need of your blessings & comfort. Please bless Gil, Larry and Chris as well. I ask these things in the name of your Son - Amen.
11/16/08
Dear lord,
Gosh I am such a foolish girl. I offer you praise and thanks that I am still alive and I appreciate your gifts. Help me to see these blessings more Lord, never mind as I am writing this I realize them! I am so lucky to have a place to lay my head. If it is your will I have a car show me the way. I have no money to put on a car at this time. Please help me to learn Math Jehovah and I am not going to pray anymore. I will simply say THANK YOU LORD FOR EVERYTHING and your will be done. Hope fully my foolish stubborn butt will stay out of your way. I love you Lord. In Jesus name – Amen.
11/18/08
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for another day of breath! Please love me Lord! I am sorry for swearing and using your name in vain today and looking with lust. I am sorry for stealing time.
Jehovah I would like to ask that you put it on the heart of the city manager to clear me of these terrible police accusations. I would like to beg that I may stay here and get a car within the month.
I would like to give you the glory through my trials but I am having a hard time. I am sorry Lord. Please love me and help me through this. I cannot do it without you.
I would like to be more healthy and have a stable place to live and a car to drive and be happy. If this is not your will for me, I understand and please help me to open my eyes Lord to your messages. My ears to your Word and my heart and mind to understand. In Jesus’s name I pray and give thanks – Amen.
PS I would like to pray for Alicia, Asha, and Ivy and Jane. They need you Lord. Please comfort them as only you can.
11/22/08
Jehovah,
Please forgive me Lord I am running away from you. I am trying to return. I will not blame you for my misfortunes this week. It seems the Devil may be pulling me from you with lusts, anger, frustration and self doubting thoughts and more! I want to stay close to you Lord! I will try harder to return.
The city manager wants nothing to do with the truth of the case. Please put your wisdom in me. Give me discernment Jehovah. Thank you so much for a wonderful day with Karin and a chance to make music with Vekz. Please bless me Lord and help me to understand your will for me and purpose. In the name of your Son, Jesus Christ – Amen.
PS – Please save me Lord I am drowning in sorrow and sorry. Open my eyes. I am sorry for lusting and losing self control, lying, cheating and now using your name in vain earlier! I have put dancing as my idol this week. I put you first once more. Please forgive me.
11/24/08
Dear Jehovah,
Praise you above all else! You are amazing. I want to speak of you with love that others can feel. I am amazed by you Jehovah and the things you do. Your creations are amazing. I guess that would also mean me? I am not going to be down on myself today Lord. The light is needed Lord I have been in darkness. Show me the way please.
I want to stay in LA. Is that what you want? Help me to give you the glory through my songs with Vekz. Allow us to touch others with our songs Lord if that is your will and please keep me pain free and bless those in my church today who need you. In Jesus’s name I pray and give thanks – Amen.
11/28/08
Dear Lord My Jehovah God,
Its official. Without you I am nothing. I feel like I am always asking you for something. =( I leave these outcomes in your hands God. You are so great and good to me. I worship you. I love you. I offer my songs and creations to you for your will and purpose. I want to praise you and give thanks for all you have been and done in my undeserving life.
Thank you Lord , thank you Jesus! You paid a price so high for my salvation! Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for loving me and being my King. I want to see you Jesus. I want to be with you. I keep on sinning, I am so sorry Lord! I want to win against my nature. I would like to ask things, but mostly I want to give thanks for you truly are EVERYTHING. You gave everything and you will “give and take away”. Your will be done with me God. Keep me from the evil one. In Jesus holy name I pray.- Amen.
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for today an the opportunity to get my things done & needs taken care of. Your blessings are undeserved but completely appreciated. Please bless my friends and family and help them to come to know you. Your will be done in my life. Thank you Father – Amen.
11/10/08
Dear Lord,
Tahnk you for your blessings & lessons being poured out on me. I am confused Jehovah. Please point the way you want me to go? What do you want me to do? Leave/stay? If so, plase put things I need in my life to get there. Please bless Jane and Asha as they are in need of your blessings & comfort. Please bless Gil, Larry and Chris as well. I ask these things in the name of your Son - Amen.
11/16/08
Dear lord,
Gosh I am such a foolish girl. I offer you praise and thanks that I am still alive and I appreciate your gifts. Help me to see these blessings more Lord, never mind as I am writing this I realize them! I am so lucky to have a place to lay my head. If it is your will I have a car show me the way. I have no money to put on a car at this time. Please help me to learn Math Jehovah and I am not going to pray anymore. I will simply say THANK YOU LORD FOR EVERYTHING and your will be done. Hope fully my foolish stubborn butt will stay out of your way. I love you Lord. In Jesus name – Amen.
11/18/08
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for another day of breath! Please love me Lord! I am sorry for swearing and using your name in vain today and looking with lust. I am sorry for stealing time.
Jehovah I would like to ask that you put it on the heart of the city manager to clear me of these terrible police accusations. I would like to beg that I may stay here and get a car within the month.
I would like to give you the glory through my trials but I am having a hard time. I am sorry Lord. Please love me and help me through this. I cannot do it without you.
I would like to be more healthy and have a stable place to live and a car to drive and be happy. If this is not your will for me, I understand and please help me to open my eyes Lord to your messages. My ears to your Word and my heart and mind to understand. In Jesus’s name I pray and give thanks – Amen.
PS I would like to pray for Alicia, Asha, and Ivy and Jane. They need you Lord. Please comfort them as only you can.
11/22/08
Jehovah,
Please forgive me Lord I am running away from you. I am trying to return. I will not blame you for my misfortunes this week. It seems the Devil may be pulling me from you with lusts, anger, frustration and self doubting thoughts and more! I want to stay close to you Lord! I will try harder to return.
The city manager wants nothing to do with the truth of the case. Please put your wisdom in me. Give me discernment Jehovah. Thank you so much for a wonderful day with Karin and a chance to make music with Vekz. Please bless me Lord and help me to understand your will for me and purpose. In the name of your Son, Jesus Christ – Amen.
PS – Please save me Lord I am drowning in sorrow and sorry. Open my eyes. I am sorry for lusting and losing self control, lying, cheating and now using your name in vain earlier! I have put dancing as my idol this week. I put you first once more. Please forgive me.
11/24/08
Dear Jehovah,
Praise you above all else! You are amazing. I want to speak of you with love that others can feel. I am amazed by you Jehovah and the things you do. Your creations are amazing. I guess that would also mean me? I am not going to be down on myself today Lord. The light is needed Lord I have been in darkness. Show me the way please.
I want to stay in LA. Is that what you want? Help me to give you the glory through my songs with Vekz. Allow us to touch others with our songs Lord if that is your will and please keep me pain free and bless those in my church today who need you. In Jesus’s name I pray and give thanks – Amen.
11/28/08
Dear Lord My Jehovah God,
Its official. Without you I am nothing. I feel like I am always asking you for something. =( I leave these outcomes in your hands God. You are so great and good to me. I worship you. I love you. I offer my songs and creations to you for your will and purpose. I want to praise you and give thanks for all you have been and done in my undeserving life.
Thank you Lord , thank you Jesus! You paid a price so high for my salvation! Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for loving me and being my King. I want to see you Jesus. I want to be with you. I keep on sinning, I am so sorry Lord! I want to win against my nature. I would like to ask things, but mostly I want to give thanks for you truly are EVERYTHING. You gave everything and you will “give and take away”. Your will be done with me God. Keep me from the evil one. In Jesus holy name I pray.- Amen.
Letters to God 5
10/6/08
Dear Jehovah,
Praise you for allowing me to wake up today! Thank you for not giving me pain and thank you for continuing to bless me w/ a job and a bit of direction. I want your will to be done. Please give me wisdom and understanding. Please help me keep focus on you and not on others. I put the outcome in your hands. Please take this desire to contact Chris off my heart and put it in his heart to contact me and be just my friend.
Please let me be strong in temptation and the evil one. Please help C with her job situation and D to find a good job when he gets his work break from EMT. Please give B a fighting chance @ surviving her cancer treatment and V the strength to stand by her and love her through this. Please help Asha with her car situation and Rebecca & A in their trying and hard times!
After reading my prayers for the last 3 months it is pretty clear to me that you do not want Chris and I to be in contact at this time and you have locked the door on this end so I cannot go back even in weakness. Thank you Father. I have been asking for the clear message and this has been it. It isn’t your will. It isn’t going to happen. You know what I need, while Satan can only know what any human would want. Satan has brought this other Chris like guy into my sights, trickery & exploitation of my loneliness and desire. I will say NO!
I will preach to this other guy to turn him away. I will keep my eyes focused on you and your trust, love, and compassion which no other man can offer me. I am not going to contact Chris anymore today. Please help me be strong in this Jehovah. I know you are working in my life! If you want me to quit school because you have other plans for me, please let me know. Please put a reliable means of transportation in my life if that is your will or a place to stay Mon & Thurs so I may attend and not be late for work. All these things I ask and pray and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ, my savior, Amen.
10/16/08
Dear Jehovah,
It has been quite some time since I have written you in my prayer book though I have still been speaking to you everyday! Whats up? What do you prefer?
Lord thank you so much for your blessings to me. I do not know your purpose for my life and the insurance situation however I do not wan to go against you! As always I see you have my best interest in mind.
I am sorry Lord for being a food and doubting you like I do. Please forgive me for lying today Jesus I am so sorry. Please help me to witness to Gil in a calm and non-pushy way so I may let him know of your loving hand. Let me not run to deception and temptation and keep those who would harm me further, at bay. I pray for peace for my family and my friends and those who have less than me. In Jesus’s name – Amen.
10/18/08
Dear Jehovah,
Praise you Lord for a day with just a little pain. Thank you so much for the blessings and teachings you bestowing on me. I appreciate all you are doing in my life. I am going to work on getting closer to you Lord. I am going to work on getting this car situation settled also and pray that you put it in RL’s heart to be kind. Please continue to stay by my side w/ work and learning all these new things. How can I bring you glory? Thank you for all you are doing. You are the Most High in my life. I ask for your supreme blessing on my exam if that is your will. Please help me to be strong in you and show your glory in my life and witness this to others. All these things I ask and pray and give thanks in the name of your son, my savior, Amen.
Dear Jehovah,
Praise you for allowing me to wake up today! Thank you for not giving me pain and thank you for continuing to bless me w/ a job and a bit of direction. I want your will to be done. Please give me wisdom and understanding. Please help me keep focus on you and not on others. I put the outcome in your hands. Please take this desire to contact Chris off my heart and put it in his heart to contact me and be just my friend.
Please let me be strong in temptation and the evil one. Please help C with her job situation and D to find a good job when he gets his work break from EMT. Please give B a fighting chance @ surviving her cancer treatment and V the strength to stand by her and love her through this. Please help Asha with her car situation and Rebecca & A in their trying and hard times!
After reading my prayers for the last 3 months it is pretty clear to me that you do not want Chris and I to be in contact at this time and you have locked the door on this end so I cannot go back even in weakness. Thank you Father. I have been asking for the clear message and this has been it. It isn’t your will. It isn’t going to happen. You know what I need, while Satan can only know what any human would want. Satan has brought this other Chris like guy into my sights, trickery & exploitation of my loneliness and desire. I will say NO!
I will preach to this other guy to turn him away. I will keep my eyes focused on you and your trust, love, and compassion which no other man can offer me. I am not going to contact Chris anymore today. Please help me be strong in this Jehovah. I know you are working in my life! If you want me to quit school because you have other plans for me, please let me know. Please put a reliable means of transportation in my life if that is your will or a place to stay Mon & Thurs so I may attend and not be late for work. All these things I ask and pray and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ, my savior, Amen.
10/16/08
Dear Jehovah,
It has been quite some time since I have written you in my prayer book though I have still been speaking to you everyday! Whats up? What do you prefer?
Lord thank you so much for your blessings to me. I do not know your purpose for my life and the insurance situation however I do not wan to go against you! As always I see you have my best interest in mind.
I am sorry Lord for being a food and doubting you like I do. Please forgive me for lying today Jesus I am so sorry. Please help me to witness to Gil in a calm and non-pushy way so I may let him know of your loving hand. Let me not run to deception and temptation and keep those who would harm me further, at bay. I pray for peace for my family and my friends and those who have less than me. In Jesus’s name – Amen.
10/18/08
Dear Jehovah,
Praise you Lord for a day with just a little pain. Thank you so much for the blessings and teachings you bestowing on me. I appreciate all you are doing in my life. I am going to work on getting closer to you Lord. I am going to work on getting this car situation settled also and pray that you put it in RL’s heart to be kind. Please continue to stay by my side w/ work and learning all these new things. How can I bring you glory? Thank you for all you are doing. You are the Most High in my life. I ask for your supreme blessing on my exam if that is your will. Please help me to be strong in you and show your glory in my life and witness this to others. All these things I ask and pray and give thanks in the name of your son, my savior, Amen.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Bye bye CA - Hello NM and OR
Sweet. In a couple weeks I am leaving to OR and NM before I jet back to .. where to next? Larry has given me some great ideas of places to go. The economy is bad, things are breaking and shaking for many, and yet there is me, the one, the only! I am a survivor and I do what I got to do son!
Vekz, Beast and I are smoking heavily tonight at the Pharmacy for sure. Writing beats and making moves just like ol times.
So weird the way life works. Who was I before and who am I becoming? Who knows, but I really dont have time t stop and think about that now. Today I got my last check. I am going to save of course, like I do. Luckily the family bought me a external drive and a DVD writer. Least I can hold onto my shit as I move around. :)
God, you are good and great and I feel so blessed. I got 3 roommate recommeds, which is hot, and I am ready. I am letting go of everything and everyone and its good times. Well, holding on to the real ones of course.
Diahnna and Vanessa have both offered me their places to stay in Culver but I'm gonna get on out of here and turn them down because I have to go where the path leads. Take me wind, I am ready! lol... I'm off to skate..
Vekz, Beast and I are smoking heavily tonight at the Pharmacy for sure. Writing beats and making moves just like ol times.
So weird the way life works. Who was I before and who am I becoming? Who knows, but I really dont have time t stop and think about that now. Today I got my last check. I am going to save of course, like I do. Luckily the family bought me a external drive and a DVD writer. Least I can hold onto my shit as I move around. :)
God, you are good and great and I feel so blessed. I got 3 roommate recommeds, which is hot, and I am ready. I am letting go of everything and everyone and its good times. Well, holding on to the real ones of course.
Diahnna and Vanessa have both offered me their places to stay in Culver but I'm gonna get on out of here and turn them down because I have to go where the path leads. Take me wind, I am ready! lol... I'm off to skate..
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