Today is a new day. I am not going to accept less that what I deserve. I am realizing Chris is just not that into me AND he was overall just a jerk.
It's ok. I am o.k. with that. I know I deserve better and so does he, he probably kicked himself every day wondering "why the hell is she still with me?" Well, wonder no more! :)
I am off to do something I love. I will be performing tonight in Hermosa Beach for the first time in.. oh a LONG LONG time.
With this, my "Want To Do List"
I want to copy all CDs to my drive and make a breakup CD.
I want to get out in the sun and on the beach this weekend with Anne's wetsuit. Who cares if I will be out and in a brace?
I want to make $300 this week.
I want to go to the bookstore and find things that interest me and read about them endlessly.
I want to write and list all the times that Chris was a jerk to me and why I am now better off.
I want to do 3 things I have been afraid to do in the past.
I want to finish those websites and get myself a domain name and server to host my page on.
I want to enjoy my birthday!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Life Line Comes Through LOUD and CLEAR tonight
"Alone also means available for someone outstanding."
This is my new perception of being alone. Chris had said "you know, make sure this is what you want, I dont want to you to..don't try to come back crying to me in 3 days and saying you want to work things out". "Don't cross the line S of us never having the possibility of getting back together." "We are getting close to that line." "Why don't u come over and fuck me instead..and let's work on our problems" "You want a massage?" Yeah, he sounds real sincere and serious and caring. He really thinks I am that desperate AND stupid.
I am not crossing a line, Chris. I am beginning a new. I am starting over with my dignity and self esteem intact. Meeting with the girls tonight made me see how wrong Chris and I are for each other at this time. Chris has no morals right now, no willingness to change or see how he can improve, no desire for true love. He is only interested in manipulating me, and into having me thinking he is not wrong for what he did and that he "did not mean it" so he can put his own conscience to rest.
"Don't think of it as a path of a breakup or forever. "Just for right now". Just for today. One day at a time. Think of caring for myself today. Of what I want, think and need today. One day at a time."
"It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken".
They said "you are not alone anymore, you have us" and this is about taking care of you, and putting yourself in a position where you can get through this really tough time with some measure of ease. "You are injured, you're jobless, you have had these issues with your boyfriend, and now.. you are starting over. That is a lot to deal with in one shot!" He loved you at one time, he isn't loving you now. Take time." "Talk about it, to everyone!" "Don't hide your feelings or the pain." Do not be worrying about him, what he thinks, what he has said or hasn't said. He is a controller who saw himself having less and less control over you. If that is what he did to you over going surfing and a glass bottle you broke, imagine what else he is capable of? He has stolen from his company, he has lied to you and others, and now he has hurt you physically...and is denying it. You are worth more than what he thinks you are.
60 days. 1,440 hours, 86,400 minutes, lots and lots and lots of seconds, or whatever you want to call it. He said I can't add. I don't know Math. Well, whatever!
"Try and think of it this way: You're giving the time you were spending on him back to yourself as a gift, and he'll get none of it for at least two months while you set up shop as the new you."
This is my new perception of being alone. Chris had said "you know, make sure this is what you want, I dont want to you to..don't try to come back crying to me in 3 days and saying you want to work things out". "Don't cross the line S of us never having the possibility of getting back together." "We are getting close to that line." "Why don't u come over and fuck me instead..and let's work on our problems" "You want a massage?" Yeah, he sounds real sincere and serious and caring. He really thinks I am that desperate AND stupid.
I am not crossing a line, Chris. I am beginning a new. I am starting over with my dignity and self esteem intact. Meeting with the girls tonight made me see how wrong Chris and I are for each other at this time. Chris has no morals right now, no willingness to change or see how he can improve, no desire for true love. He is only interested in manipulating me, and into having me thinking he is not wrong for what he did and that he "did not mean it" so he can put his own conscience to rest.
"Don't think of it as a path of a breakup or forever. "Just for right now". Just for today. One day at a time. Think of caring for myself today. Of what I want, think and need today. One day at a time."
"It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken".
They said "you are not alone anymore, you have us" and this is about taking care of you, and putting yourself in a position where you can get through this really tough time with some measure of ease. "You are injured, you're jobless, you have had these issues with your boyfriend, and now.. you are starting over. That is a lot to deal with in one shot!" He loved you at one time, he isn't loving you now. Take time." "Talk about it, to everyone!" "Don't hide your feelings or the pain." Do not be worrying about him, what he thinks, what he has said or hasn't said. He is a controller who saw himself having less and less control over you. If that is what he did to you over going surfing and a glass bottle you broke, imagine what else he is capable of? He has stolen from his company, he has lied to you and others, and now he has hurt you physically...and is denying it. You are worth more than what he thinks you are.
60 days. 1,440 hours, 86,400 minutes, lots and lots and lots of seconds, or whatever you want to call it. He said I can't add. I don't know Math. Well, whatever!
"Try and think of it this way: You're giving the time you were spending on him back to yourself as a gift, and he'll get none of it for at least two months while you set up shop as the new you."
Life Line right now
Ladies...How I will need to see you this week. Woke up sad from a dream and scared and alone. I will be strong. I will remember. I will work on myself. I need to reach out where I can actually get support and shut off where the abuse comes in and from.
I need to be planning my birthday and thinking about the future. I do not need to stay depressed about my mistakes. I need my ToDo list and be armed with my self confidence that I am known for. I need to bring back that soldier who gets through the toughest of times through sheer determination and never ending focus.
I will once again.. get better, find work, and move on with my life. I do not need to stay stagnant and worried. I do not need to make any quick hasty decisions.
I just need to love myself, be there for me, take care of myself and watch the love pour in.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Well, its 2pm
What am I doing with myself today? Well, one I can't really walk a lot or sit, so two, not very much. It is giving me time to think about my mistake in rejoining this relationship last year.
It is giving me time to see that Chris has a lot of problems that I should not and cannot and will not deal with any longer. One is his addiction to weed. Two is his abusiveness and tendency to abuse. Three is his lack of respect for morals like thou shall not steal and refusal to accept responsibility and pay people back. Four is his, more apparent now than before, vengeful nature.
And what about me? What are my problems? One is my inability to be alone (which I think this breakup will remedy) two is my need to be compliant/accepted and make things ok , three is my fear of abandonment and mistrust (which is why I did not leave when demanded to). Four is my negative thoughts that constantly plague me. Five is my codependent tendency and anger management issues.
The difference in mine and Chris's problems is that his land him in jail, poverty, debt, and finally death whereas mine can land me only in death by anothers' hand should I allow this to continue.
I seem to want to keep counting. I can count the ways that I will be better off without being in a relationship with Chris.
0) Since he is not going back to Dr. Adams or trying to quit weed on his own, I know that this is a lost battle.
1) I will no longer worry about whether or not he is getting/will be/ high and therefore treat me badly.
2) I will not have to think about his lack of calling me, and sending me emails or showing he cares.
3) I will not feel like I am the only one working on the relationship - always bringing up the issues and asking to work on them.
4) I will see that this abuse has never stopped completely only halted temporarily and would be the same in the future.
5) I will be able to recognize his and my faults after time has passed.
6) I will see him as I see Brandon, someone I would never again want to be with and who did not deserve me.
7) I will be free to learn from these mistakes without the "cloud" of love in the way.
8) I will not have anyone to go to for approval and then be sad when I do not get it because they want "space".
9) I will not have anyone to try to "talk to and be heard" and have that person completely blow me off to do their own thing or just not listen to me as I talk.
10) I will have my own problems to deal with alone.
11) I will be forced to look at myself objectively and spend time with myself.
12) I will be forced to learn what I like, what I want, and what I can do by myself.
13) No more yeast infections or weird breakouts!
14) No more messy room and hairy...everything ---to have sex in!
15) No more stress of wondering, waiting, wanting and wishing about/for him to love me, to be "different".
16) No more of his cop-out "well, we have to just try harder""let's just see what happens" response to how we are gonna fix our problems!
17) There are no more "problems" to fix.
18) No more Nice guy/Bad guy to deal with -- Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.
It is giving me time to see that Chris has a lot of problems that I should not and cannot and will not deal with any longer. One is his addiction to weed. Two is his abusiveness and tendency to abuse. Three is his lack of respect for morals like thou shall not steal and refusal to accept responsibility and pay people back. Four is his, more apparent now than before, vengeful nature.
And what about me? What are my problems? One is my inability to be alone (which I think this breakup will remedy) two is my need to be compliant/accepted and make things ok , three is my fear of abandonment and mistrust (which is why I did not leave when demanded to). Four is my negative thoughts that constantly plague me. Five is my codependent tendency and anger management issues.
The difference in mine and Chris's problems is that his land him in jail, poverty, debt, and finally death whereas mine can land me only in death by anothers' hand should I allow this to continue.
I seem to want to keep counting. I can count the ways that I will be better off without being in a relationship with Chris.
0) Since he is not going back to Dr. Adams or trying to quit weed on his own, I know that this is a lost battle.
1) I will no longer worry about whether or not he is getting/will be/ high and therefore treat me badly.
2) I will not have to think about his lack of calling me, and sending me emails or showing he cares.
3) I will not feel like I am the only one working on the relationship - always bringing up the issues and asking to work on them.
4) I will see that this abuse has never stopped completely only halted temporarily and would be the same in the future.
5) I will be able to recognize his and my faults after time has passed.
6) I will see him as I see Brandon, someone I would never again want to be with and who did not deserve me.
7) I will be free to learn from these mistakes without the "cloud" of love in the way.
8) I will not have anyone to go to for approval and then be sad when I do not get it because they want "space".
9) I will not have anyone to try to "talk to and be heard" and have that person completely blow me off to do their own thing or just not listen to me as I talk.
10) I will have my own problems to deal with alone.
11) I will be forced to look at myself objectively and spend time with myself.
12) I will be forced to learn what I like, what I want, and what I can do by myself.
13) No more yeast infections or weird breakouts!
14) No more messy room and hairy...everything ---to have sex in!
15) No more stress of wondering, waiting, wanting and wishing about/for him to love me, to be "different".
16) No more of his cop-out "well, we have to just try harder""let's just see what happens" response to how we are gonna fix our problems!
17) There are no more "problems" to fix.
18) No more Nice guy/Bad guy to deal with -- Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Too bad there was no remorse..
as I told him he had pushed me down, broken my back and hurt my arms, he asked for a ride to work "like now". :(
When I actually saw it, my heart sank and I knew then and there, no matter what he has said, or what he has done, he is not going to change.
When I actually saw it, my heart sank and I knew then and there, no matter what he has said, or what he has done, he is not going to change.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Over or Under 30... the Hard Truth
If you are 30 or older, you will think this is hilarious!!!!
If you’re not over 30 or older, you probably won’t think this is as hilarious…but at least learn a thing or two!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what, with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning... uphill BOTH ways yada,yada, yada!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter...with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to
get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with
sucked! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old lady with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your a$$ and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it
too easy. You're spoiled!!!!!!!!!
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980! Oh yea, and
a seatbelt was Mom throwing her arm across your chest every time
she hit the brakes. :P
Sunday, February 17, 2008
just seems like a waste of time
why would anyone in the world want to continue to be around someone who yells at them (at all),
doesn't answer calls, negs on commitments, and continues to lie and say they love you and care for you while behaving in a manner that is opposite?
what kind of person is predisposed to think they deserve that?
and also, what kind of upbringing does the other person need to have had to make them think that is even a mildly acceptable form of showing care?
doesn't answer calls, negs on commitments, and continues to lie and say they love you and care for you while behaving in a manner that is opposite?
what kind of person is predisposed to think they deserve that?
and also, what kind of upbringing does the other person need to have had to make them think that is even a mildly acceptable form of showing care?
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
work
Work today was stressful. I am attempting to do too many things at once and maybe my time management is off or my boundaries not on. I do not know. I think they want to let me go and are looking for reasons now. I couldn't help thinking my personal issues are similar to my work issues.
Today they had mentioned a bunch of issues that they had with these open positions I am working on, will be working on, etc. They have asked to check all my communication with others for the next couple weeks and they have asked me to tone it down in requests and to be more aggressive at the same time.
What the fuck?! I am not sure what the fuck they want but I will do the best I can and that is all I can do. I am not going to fucking accept abusive expectations from anyone. Not chris, not work.. no one.
Today they had mentioned a bunch of issues that they had with these open positions I am working on, will be working on, etc. They have asked to check all my communication with others for the next couple weeks and they have asked me to tone it down in requests and to be more aggressive at the same time.
What the fuck?! I am not sure what the fuck they want but I will do the best I can and that is all I can do. I am not going to fucking accept abusive expectations from anyone. Not chris, not work.. no one.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
My Automatic Thoughts
Why the hell does Chris keep leaving me? He has said his needs are not being met, um, what are they? Do you even know? They will never be met if you don't say what they are. People don't and can't read minds. I can't meet all your needs anyway, no one can.
I am beginning to think maybe he has difficultly talking about his feelings, and taking on the issue of our issues at any time. He doesn't seem to have solutions for what he is doing, just.. his own wants and frustrations about me.
Yet, he came over tonight, to talk. Then again, like he has for the past 2 months, wanted to leave and be "alone" to "sleep in his own bed". I just don't get it, and part of me doesn't believe him when he says it.
I know I do not trust him. When he says I am going home to be alone, I don't believe him. When he says I need space for a little while (which is lately every week for an entire week!), I don't believe him. When he says you are the only one for me, I don't believe him.
How can someone be another's love and joy, (that is what "only one for me" means to me) and yet not want to talk to them or be around them for a length of time? Someone that is actually happy to do special things he can do when I'm not around. He says things like I feel great, and I did this which I cant do when you are around. What the fuck is that supposed to mean to me? If he is so much happier when I am not around then why the fuck are we doing this? Why is he staying? Why is he saying he wants to work on the relationship and stay in it? He said he wanted to move in together, if he doesnt want to spend time with me now and we arent living together, then why would he want to if we did?
I just found out that Chris signed up for a sex dating site and has emailed a bunch of women with abandon (they are ages 20-50, yuck) to have sex with them. I feel this is cheating, even though we are not talking. I do not know how to handle this. I am trying..and that is all I can do.
I am beginning to think maybe he has difficultly talking about his feelings, and taking on the issue of our issues at any time. He doesn't seem to have solutions for what he is doing, just.. his own wants and frustrations about me.
Yet, he came over tonight, to talk. Then again, like he has for the past 2 months, wanted to leave and be "alone" to "sleep in his own bed". I just don't get it, and part of me doesn't believe him when he says it.
I know I do not trust him. When he says I am going home to be alone, I don't believe him. When he says I need space for a little while (which is lately every week for an entire week!), I don't believe him. When he says you are the only one for me, I don't believe him.
How can someone be another's love and joy, (that is what "only one for me" means to me) and yet not want to talk to them or be around them for a length of time? Someone that is actually happy to do special things he can do when I'm not around. He says things like I feel great, and I did this which I cant do when you are around. What the fuck is that supposed to mean to me? If he is so much happier when I am not around then why the fuck are we doing this? Why is he staying? Why is he saying he wants to work on the relationship and stay in it? He said he wanted to move in together, if he doesnt want to spend time with me now and we arent living together, then why would he want to if we did?
I just found out that Chris signed up for a sex dating site and has emailed a bunch of women with abandon (they are ages 20-50, yuck) to have sex with them. I feel this is cheating, even though we are not talking. I do not know how to handle this. I am trying..and that is all I can do.
My Automatic Thoughts
Why the hell does Chris keep leaving me? He has said his needs are not being met, um, what are they? Do you even know? They will never be met if you don't say what they are. People don't and can't read minds. I can't meet all your needs anyway, no one can.
I am beginning to think maybe he has difficultly talking about his feelings, and taking on the issue of our issues at any time. He doesn't seem to have solutions for what he is doing, just.. his own wants and frustrations about me.
Yet, he came over tonight, to talk. Then again, like he has for the past 2 months, wanted to leave and be "alone" to "sleep in his own bed". I just don't get it, and part of me doesn't believe him when he says it.
I know I do not trust him. When he says I am going home to be alone, I don't believe him. When he says I need space for a little while (which is lately every week for an entire week!), I don't believe him. When he says you are the only one for me, I don't believe him.
How can someone be another's love and joy, (that is what "only one for me" means to me) and yet not want to talk to them or be around them for a length of time?
I am beginning to think maybe he has difficultly talking about his feelings, and taking on the issue of our issues at any time. He doesn't seem to have solutions for what he is doing, just.. his own wants and frustrations about me.
Yet, he came over tonight, to talk. Then again, like he has for the past 2 months, wanted to leave and be "alone" to "sleep in his own bed". I just don't get it, and part of me doesn't believe him when he says it.
I know I do not trust him. When he says I am going home to be alone, I don't believe him. When he says I need space for a little while (which is lately every week for an entire week!), I don't believe him. When he says you are the only one for me, I don't believe him.
How can someone be another's love and joy, (that is what "only one for me" means to me) and yet not want to talk to them or be around them for a length of time?
Friday, February 1, 2008
I have just reread what he is looking for..
I am a creative and intellectual individual who enjoys mental stimulation, exercising my imagination, and engaging in deep conversations. I am loyal and caring, always there for my friends and family. With my partner I'm romantic and affectionate; always trying to find new ways to make her feel special. I enjoy hiking, skiing, ice skating (not that I can), dancing, reading and cooking, as well as going to museums/art galleries and attending theater and other cultural events. Occasionally you will find me pondering over the universe; asking "what if?" and "why?" or otherwise letting my mind roam free. At times I may be energetic and spontaneous, at others perhaps a bit quiet, but I'm always curious and always me.
I am looking for a serious relationship with a wonderful partner-- she is someone intelligent and open-minded, somewhat aggressive and forward, who enjoys discussing new ideas. She is adventurous enough to try new activities, but also easy-going enough to enjoy quiet times together as well. She is involved with her family and friends; loyal enough to stay and try to work things out rather than running away. She is warm and affectionate, friendly, and playful, even silly sometimes; a soul-mate that relishes in having great conversation and fun. Sound like you? Write me or "flirt" and we can see where it goes from there!
I am looking for a serious relationship with a wonderful partner-- she is someone intelligent and open-minded, somewhat aggressive and forward, who enjoys discussing new ideas. She is adventurous enough to try new activities, but also easy-going enough to enjoy quiet times together as well. She is involved with her family and friends; loyal enough to stay and try to work things out rather than running away. She is warm and affectionate, friendly, and playful, even silly sometimes; a soul-mate that relishes in having great conversation and fun. Sound like you? Write me or "flirt" and we can see where it goes from there!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Things I prob wont b able to share with Chris today
These are some things I have recently thought of regarding Chris and my relationship. Chris is not talking to me regularly, nor does he want to see me. He does not want to talk about our issues or look for solutions, I think he is getting ready to end it and preparing how he will say what he wants to say. I am also not going to think about that right now. So her goes, the unspoken words.. Chris will prob not hear?
1/26/08
What do you want to change about your relationship?
1 ) Yelling
I want us to discontinue this habit of yelling when we get angry or frustrated and feel the other person isn't "hearing" us. I want us to try to catch ourselves when we begin to yell or find ourselves yelling and stop it. I do not want to ever get back on the VA/DV box.
2) Lying - I want us to be 100% honest with one another about our feelings, desires, wants and choices/doings (things we are doing).
3) Drugs - I want to be in a drug free environment. I do not want to watch Chris get high. I would prefer no drugs when I am around. I don't want him to hang out with me when he is high, or get high before seeing me, really I want the choice to CHOOSE whether or not I want to be around him when/if he is high. I would like him to say things like hey, I am going to get high, do you still want to hang out with me. Or hey, I would like to do x,y,Z with you but then I am going to leave to get high, do you still want to be around or would you want to come with me? Or, hey I am already high, do you want to see me still? Or, something to that effect. In essence, it isn't a surprise or something I will feel controlled by..at that point it is MY choice to be around him or not. I cannot control when he is high or is not, but I can control me choosing to being around him or not.
4) Forgiveness - God, I really want us to try to be more forgiving with our grievances and mistakes we make/made/our shortcomings in general. (this DOES NOT include Lying or Drug using - those are not acceptable)
5) Contact - I want to be in contact at least 2x a day. I would like to call one another and answer phones, I would like an email and to actually see each other at least 3-4x a week.
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What do you know about yourself that may be contributing to the problem?
1) Yelling - I am as big of a culprit of this as he is. Lately more so! I need to not contribute by having more control of MY yelling as a reaction. Frankly, I need to see Dr. Adams and work on this issue ASAP.
2) Lying - In my foolishness I have also begun lying. Fortunately, I can cease this immediately. Also, I may have contributed by in the past not being as flexible in hearing truths I did not "like". I can fix this over time by accepting the honesty for what it is even though I may not like it, (eg. when he left me to go to Dave's and got high) (I was made aware of it, and I accepted it.)
3) Drugs - You know what I realized? I do not contribute to this. This is completely out of my control and contribution as well as out of his control.
4) Forgiveness - If I want this, I must be willing to give it as well. (with the exception of more lying/drugs from him after knowing all of this)
5) Contact - I contribute by not be respectful of spacial boundaries. I need to be more understanding of the persons time and needs to be alone. I need to try to be positive when I am around them and not bring up/focus on the time that was "negative" to me. I need to be in the "now" more often. Frankly, when Chris and I are in the now.. things are completely peachy.
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My reasons for staying in the relationship.
1) Chris is generally a good person. (To me that means caring, generous, understanding, listens, honest and kind)
2) Chris has exhibited/exhibits trying to change things for the better of the relationship. (showing me AIM recs, abuse counseling/therapy/answering phone, telling truth about pot, etc)
3) Chris does REALLY nice things for me periodically - thoughtful things. (getting tea tree products, nora jones nights, letting me see phone/comp, massage times, surprise flowers, cook dinner, invitations to go out)
4) Chris has tried to be there for me and has been there for me. (suicidal, sadness, trip to NY, listening to some vents, my feelings/issues, and the therapist visit)
5) Chris is able to keep a job.
6) Chris loves his dog and makes sure he is fed, walked, bathed, paid attention to, and cared for at least 80% of the time.
7) Chris is able to be intimate and I actually can feel intimate with him, (I have not with men.)
8) Chris has been romantic and is able to be very warm&open - I LOVE THIS ABOUT HIM.
9) Chris no longer makes fun of me, or speaks condescendingly.
10) Chris has ceased being physical and verbally abusive and is AWARE of what it is&what it means.
11) Chris is able to recognize some of his faults and accepts responsibility most of the time.
12) Most of the time I do feel Chris loves me (in his way) though it is not how I love.
13) I can have fun and get along with Chris and we really have amazing times together.
14) Chris has never let me go hungry. Food is just as important to him as it is to me.
15) Chris has been mostly supportive of my higher self choices.
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My reasons for leaving the relationship.
1) Chris is a drug user. This is a constant reminder of my father. He is not able/willing/wanting to quit using drugs. He does not see a problem and he has said he would stop and does not.
2) Chris has lied to me. (Jenny, using drugs, quitting, being somewhere when not, going to do something and not, saying he will call and doesn't, etc.)
3) I feel like I can no longer trust anything Chris says.
4) Chris sometimes behaves in a very impulsive, selfish way only thinking of himself and an immediate gratification. (w/ SEX, his desires, his feelings, things he wants RIGHT NOW, without thinking of me or us or consequences)
5) Chris has let me down in specific times when I really needed him and I actually requested my needs.
6) Chris yells and doesn't always deal with his problems, runs away.
7) I feel Chris will be an unreliable husband to me (not come home, stay out nights, be unavailable emotionally/physically/mentally, "work" too much) and an absent (mentally/physically) father to our kids if we had them.
8) Chris doesn't communicate sometimes about thing like his expectations, money ideas, or shuts off on me completely.
9) I feel I want to be with a man who does not use drugs or lie, has morals (like w/ lying, cheating, murder, selfishness, temptation, etc.) and loves God.
10) I feel Chris may never stop using drugs and will get progressively worse using more and varying drugs over time...
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Boundaries To Set
I will no longer allow _______________
other peoples actions/behaviors/choices to affect my feelings of self worth.
people to lie to me and continue to be close to me in my life.
myself to accept less than what I deserve.
someone to go through my things without asking first.
someone to treat my body as if it belongs to them.
I won't have a relationship with someone who _____________
is not honest with me
physically or verbally abuses me
does not love God
does not accept responsibility for their actions
behaves selfishly 80% of the time
devalues women in any way
accuses, threatens or "jokes" about me
1/26/08
What do you want to change about your relationship?
1 ) Yelling
I want us to discontinue this habit of yelling when we get angry or frustrated and feel the other person isn't "hearing" us. I want us to try to catch ourselves when we begin to yell or find ourselves yelling and stop it. I do not want to ever get back on the VA/DV box.
2) Lying - I want us to be 100% honest with one another about our feelings, desires, wants and choices/doings (things we are doing).
3) Drugs - I want to be in a drug free environment. I do not want to watch Chris get high. I would prefer no drugs when I am around. I don't want him to hang out with me when he is high, or get high before seeing me, really I want the choice to CHOOSE whether or not I want to be around him when/if he is high. I would like him to say things like hey, I am going to get high, do you still want to hang out with me. Or hey, I would like to do x,y,Z with you but then I am going to leave to get high, do you still want to be around or would you want to come with me? Or, hey I am already high, do you want to see me still? Or, something to that effect. In essence, it isn't a surprise or something I will feel controlled by..at that point it is MY choice to be around him or not. I cannot control when he is high or is not, but I can control me choosing to being around him or not.
4) Forgiveness - God, I really want us to try to be more forgiving with our grievances and mistakes we make/made/our shortcomings in general. (this DOES NOT include Lying or Drug using - those are not acceptable)
5) Contact - I want to be in contact at least 2x a day. I would like to call one another and answer phones, I would like an email and to actually see each other at least 3-4x a week.
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What do you know about yourself that may be contributing to the problem?
1) Yelling - I am as big of a culprit of this as he is. Lately more so! I need to not contribute by having more control of MY yelling as a reaction. Frankly, I need to see Dr. Adams and work on this issue ASAP.
2) Lying - In my foolishness I have also begun lying. Fortunately, I can cease this immediately. Also, I may have contributed by in the past not being as flexible in hearing truths I did not "like". I can fix this over time by accepting the honesty for what it is even though I may not like it, (eg. when he left me to go to Dave's and got high) (I was made aware of it, and I accepted it.)
3) Drugs - You know what I realized? I do not contribute to this. This is completely out of my control and contribution as well as out of his control.
4) Forgiveness - If I want this, I must be willing to give it as well. (with the exception of more lying/drugs from him after knowing all of this)
5) Contact - I contribute by not be respectful of spacial boundaries. I need to be more understanding of the persons time and needs to be alone. I need to try to be positive when I am around them and not bring up/focus on the time that was "negative" to me. I need to be in the "now" more often. Frankly, when Chris and I are in the now.. things are completely peachy.
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My reasons for staying in the relationship.
1) Chris is generally a good person. (To me that means caring, generous, understanding, listens, honest and kind)
2) Chris has exhibited/exhibits trying to change things for the better of the relationship. (showing me AIM recs, abuse counseling/therapy/answering phone, telling truth about pot, etc)
3) Chris does REALLY nice things for me periodically - thoughtful things. (getting tea tree products, nora jones nights, letting me see phone/comp, massage times, surprise flowers, cook dinner, invitations to go out)
4) Chris has tried to be there for me and has been there for me. (suicidal, sadness, trip to NY, listening to some vents, my feelings/issues, and the therapist visit)
5) Chris is able to keep a job.
6) Chris loves his dog and makes sure he is fed, walked, bathed, paid attention to, and cared for at least 80% of the time.
7) Chris is able to be intimate and I actually can feel intimate with him, (I have not with men.)
8) Chris has been romantic and is able to be very warm&open - I LOVE THIS ABOUT HIM.
9) Chris no longer makes fun of me, or speaks condescendingly.
10) Chris has ceased being physical and verbally abusive and is AWARE of what it is&what it means.
11) Chris is able to recognize some of his faults and accepts responsibility most of the time.
12) Most of the time I do feel Chris loves me (in his way) though it is not how I love.
13) I can have fun and get along with Chris and we really have amazing times together.
14) Chris has never let me go hungry. Food is just as important to him as it is to me.
15) Chris has been mostly supportive of my higher self choices.
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My reasons for leaving the relationship.
1) Chris is a drug user. This is a constant reminder of my father. He is not able/willing/wanting to quit using drugs. He does not see a problem and he has said he would stop and does not.
2) Chris has lied to me. (Jenny, using drugs, quitting, being somewhere when not, going to do something and not, saying he will call and doesn't, etc.)
3) I feel like I can no longer trust anything Chris says.
4) Chris sometimes behaves in a very impulsive, selfish way only thinking of himself and an immediate gratification. (w/ SEX, his desires, his feelings, things he wants RIGHT NOW, without thinking of me or us or consequences)
5) Chris has let me down in specific times when I really needed him and I actually requested my needs.
6) Chris yells and doesn't always deal with his problems, runs away.
7) I feel Chris will be an unreliable husband to me (not come home, stay out nights, be unavailable emotionally/physically/mentally, "work" too much) and an absent (mentally/physically) father to our kids if we had them.
8) Chris doesn't communicate sometimes about thing like his expectations, money ideas, or shuts off on me completely.
9) I feel I want to be with a man who does not use drugs or lie, has morals (like w/ lying, cheating, murder, selfishness, temptation, etc.) and loves God.
10) I feel Chris may never stop using drugs and will get progressively worse using more and varying drugs over time...
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Boundaries To Set
I will no longer allow _______________
other peoples actions/behaviors/choices to affect my feelings of self worth.
people to lie to me and continue to be close to me in my life.
myself to accept less than what I deserve.
someone to go through my things without asking first.
someone to treat my body as if it belongs to them.
I won't have a relationship with someone who _____________
is not honest with me
physically or verbally abuses me
does not love God
does not accept responsibility for their actions
behaves selfishly 80% of the time
devalues women in any way
accuses, threatens or "jokes" about me
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
doesnt this just sound like a nice person for me?
"Hi ****,
Today would be a perfect day to curl up in front of a fireplace; if only I had one. For now I enjoy the pitter-patter of the rain on the ceiling (alternating between that and sunshine)... a good day for reading and doing puzzles. How is your day?
Hmmm, about me? I'm originally from the Wi*gto * D.*. area. My family is still back there, so I do go back a couple of times each year (I' m pretty close to my family). Some things I enjoy are taking long walks along the beach, hiking in the mountains, skiing, theater (esp. musicals/ballet), reading, playing board games (rather unusual ones), doing jigsaw puzzles, drawing, cooking, going to museums (both art and others -- I like to learn). Mostly I like to do a little of anything/everything, but nothing to excess.
As per my tastes in humor, it is rather eclectic-- I tend to find humor in little things; sometimes purposely looking at something literally, or out of context to see the other side of things. Sometimes you will find me giggling for no apparent reason. I don't tend to like slap-stick or what I call "stupid" humor in movies, but definitely like silliness and "childlike" play. I enjoy political satire (ever see Capitol Steps?) and the H***a B**c* Comedy and Magic Club (I like that they are "cleaner" than others in general).
How about you-- Where are you from? What do you enjoy doing? (hobbies/etc.) What do you find humorous? I am curious as to which video game you used to play (I used to like puzzle based adventures and some turn based strategy games; as well as playing Spades online).
I don't smoke or drink (though I certainly do not mind being with people who drink, it is just something I chose a while ago, and have for the most part kept since -- make a good designated driver :-)).
I hope you are having a wonderful day, I look forward to hearing from you again soon."
--------------------
This is someone I have been talking to for a very short time. His letters and photos set him apart from all the others on the dating site I had joined a couple weeks ago. After reviewing all the young possibles and the sexy wild ones. I kept going back to his. He has been the only one I was interested in. He looks nothing like the type I normally go for, nor does he have the age range I usually am taken in by, nor is his demeanor in anyway the usual type - witty, sarcastic, and jerkoff ish.
His photos showed someone smiling, open, gentle and warm.
Today would be a perfect day to curl up in front of a fireplace; if only I had one. For now I enjoy the pitter-patter of the rain on the ceiling (alternating between that and sunshine)... a good day for reading and doing puzzles. How is your day?
Hmmm, about me? I'm originally from the Wi*gto * D.*. area. My family is still back there, so I do go back a couple of times each year (I' m pretty close to my family). Some things I enjoy are taking long walks along the beach, hiking in the mountains, skiing, theater (esp. musicals/ballet), reading, playing board games (rather unusual ones), doing jigsaw puzzles, drawing, cooking, going to museums (both art and others -- I like to learn). Mostly I like to do a little of anything/everything, but nothing to excess.
As per my tastes in humor, it is rather eclectic-- I tend to find humor in little things; sometimes purposely looking at something literally, or out of context to see the other side of things. Sometimes you will find me giggling for no apparent reason. I don't tend to like slap-stick or what I call "stupid" humor in movies, but definitely like silliness and "childlike" play. I enjoy political satire (ever see Capitol Steps?) and the H***a B**c* Comedy and Magic Club (I like that they are "cleaner" than others in general).
How about you-- Where are you from? What do you enjoy doing? (hobbies/etc.) What do you find humorous? I am curious as to which video game you used to play (I used to like puzzle based adventures and some turn based strategy games; as well as playing Spades online).
I don't smoke or drink (though I certainly do not mind being with people who drink, it is just something I chose a while ago, and have for the most part kept since -- make a good designated driver :-)).
I hope you are having a wonderful day, I look forward to hearing from you again soon."
--------------------
This is someone I have been talking to for a very short time. His letters and photos set him apart from all the others on the dating site I had joined a couple weeks ago. After reviewing all the young possibles and the sexy wild ones. I kept going back to his. He has been the only one I was interested in. He looks nothing like the type I normally go for, nor does he have the age range I usually am taken in by, nor is his demeanor in anyway the usual type - witty, sarcastic, and jerkoff ish.
His photos showed someone smiling, open, gentle and warm.
A boundary
Non-Violent Communication:
At an early age, most of us were taught to speak and think "Jackal." This language is from the head. It is a way of mentally classifying people into varying shades of good and bad, right and wrong. Ultimately, it provokes defensiveness, resistance, and counterattack. "Giraffe" bids us to speak from the heart, to talk about what is going on for us-without judging others. In this idiom, you give people an opportunity to say yes, although you respect no for an answer. "Giraffe" is a language of requests; "Jackal " is a language of demands.
Human beings the world over say they want to contribute to the well-being of others, to connect and communicate with others in loving, compassionate ways. Why, then, is there so much disharmony and conflict?
Setting out to find answers, I discovered that the language many of us were taught interferes with our desire to live in harmony with one another. At an early age, most of us were taught to speak and think Jackal. This is a moralistic classification idiom that labels people; it has a splendid vocabulary for analyzing and criticizing. Jackal is good for telling people what's wrong with them: "Obviously, you're emotionally disturbed (rude, lazy, selfish)."
The jackal moves close to the ground. It is so preoccupied with getting its immediate needs met that it cannot see into the future. Similarly Jackal-thinking individuals believe that in quickly classifying or analyzing people, they understand them. Unhappy about what's going on, a Jackal will label the people involved, saying, "He's an idiot" or "She's bad" or "They're culturally deprived."
This language is from the head. It is a way of mentally classifying people into varying shades of good and bad, right and wrong. Ultimately, it provokes defensiveness, resistance, and counterattack.
I also came upon a language of the heart, a form of interacting that promotes the well-being of ourselves and other people. I call this means of communicating Giraffe. The Giraffe has the largest heart of any land animal, is tall enough to look into the future, and lives its life with gentility and strength. Likewise, Giraffe bids us to speak from the heart, to talk about what is going on for us-without judging others. In this idiom, you give people an opportunity to say yes, although you respect no for an answer. Giraffe is a language of requests; Jackal is a language of demands.
By the time I identified these two languages, I had thoroughly learned Jackal. So I set out to teach myself Giraffe. What would I say, I wondered, if someone were doing something I found unpleasant and I wanted to influence him to change his behavior? Giraffes, I realized, are aware that they cannot change others. They are not even interested I changing people; rather, they are interested in providing opportunities for them to be willing to change. One way of providing such an opportunity, I decided, would be to approach the other person with a message such as: "Please do this, but only if you can do it willingly-in a total absence of fear, guilt, or shame. If you are motivated by fear, guilt, or shame, I lose."
As Giraffes, we make requests in terms of what we want people to do, not what we want them to feel. All the while, we steer clear of mandates. Nothing creates more resistance than telling people they "should" or "have to" or "must" or "ought to" do something. These terms eliminate choice. Without the freedom to choose, life becomes slave-like. "I had to do it-superior's orders" is the response of people robbed of their free will. Prompted by directives and injunctions, people do not take responsibility for their actions.
As time passed, I learned much more about giraffe. For one thing, they do not make requests in the past. They do not say, or even think, "How nice it would have been if you had cleaned the living room last night." Instead, Giraffes state clearly what they want in the present. And they take responsibility for their feelings, aware that their feelings are caused by their wants. If a mother is upset because her son's toys are strewn about the living room, she will identify her feeling: anger. She will then get in touch with the underlying want that is causing this feeling: her desire for a neat and orderly living room. She will own the anger, saying, "I feel angry because I want the living room to be clean and instead it's a mess." Finally, she will ask for a different outcome: "I'd feel so much better if you'd just put these toys away."
Whereas Jackals say, "I feel angry because you…," Giraffes will say, "I feel angry because I want…" As Giraffes, we know that the cause of our feelings is not another person, but rather our own thoughts, wants, and wishes. We become angry because of the thoughts we are having, not because of anything another person has done to us.
Jackal, on the other hand, view others as the source of their anger. In fact, violence, whether verbal or physical, is the result of assuming that our feelings are caused not by what is going on inside us but rather by what is going on "out there." In response, we say things designed to hurt, punish, or blame the person whom we imagine has hurt our feelings. Aware of this tendency, a Giraffe will conclude, "I'm angry because my expectations have not been met."
As Giraffes we take responsibility for our feelings. At the same time, we attempt to give others an opportunity to act in a way that will help us feel better. For example, a boy may want more respect from his father. After getting in touch with his anger over the decisions his father has been making for him, he might say: "Please ask me if I want a haircut before making a barbershop appointment for me."
Giraffes say what they do want, rather than what they don't want. "Stop that," "Cut it out," or "Quit that" do not inspire changed behaviors. People can't do a "don't."
Giraffes ultimately seek a connection in which each person feels a sense of well-being and no one feels forced into action by blame, guilt, or punishment. As such, Giraffe thinking creates harmony.
STATING A REQUEST CLEARLY
Stating a request in simple Giraffe is a four-part process rooted in honesty:
Describe your observation.
Identify your feeling.
Explain the reason for your feeling in terms of your needs.
State your request.
In describing the situation, do so without criticizing or judging. If you have come home from a busy day and your partner seems preoccupied with the newspaper, simply describe the situation: "When I walked in the door after an especially trying day, you seemed busy reading." Identify your feelings: "I feel hurt." State the reason for your feelings: "I feel hurt because I would like to feel close to you right now and instead I'm feeling disconnected from you." Then state your request in do-able terms: "Are you willing to take time out for a hug and a few moments of sharing?"
The same process applies if your teenager has been talking on the phone for hours and you are expecting a call. Describe the situation: "When you've got the phone tied up for so long, other calls can't come through." Express your feeling and the reason for it: "I'm feeling frustrated because I've been expecting to hear from someone." Then state your request: "I'd like you to bring your conversation to a close if that's all right."
In Jackal culture, feelings and wants are severely punished. People are expected to be docile, subservient to authority; slave-like in their reactions, and alienated from their feelings and needs. In a Giraffe culture, we learn to express our feelings, needs, and requests without passing judgment or attacking. We request, rather than demand. And we are aware of the fine line of distinction between these two types of statements.
In Jackal, we expect other people to prove their love for us by doing what we want. As Giraffes, we may persist in trying to persuade others, but we are not influenced by guilt. We acknowledge that we have no control over the other person's response. And we stay in Giraffe no matter what the other person says. If she or he seems upset or tense, we switch into listening, which allows us to hear the person's feelings, needs and wishes without hearing any criticism or ourselves. Nor does a Giraffe simply say no; as Giraffes we state the need that prevents us from fulfilling the request.
RESPONDING TO A "NO"
Responding to a refusal is a four-part process rotted in empathy:
1. Describe the situation
2. Guess the other person's feelings.
3. Guess the reason for that feeling, together with the unmet need;
then let the person verify whether you have correctly understood.
4. Clarify the unmet need.
When people say no in a nasty way, what they invariably want is to protect their autonomy. They have heard a request as a demand and are saying, in effect, "I want to do it when I choose to do it, and not because I am forced to do it." Sighing, sulking, or screaming can likewise reflect a desire to protect one's freedom of choice, one's need to act from a position of willingness. If people scream at us, we do not scream back. We listen beneath the words and hear what they are really saying-that they have a need and want to get their need met.
If a mother has asked her daughter to please do her chores and she has refused, the Giraffe dance may go something like this:
Parent: Are you feeling annoyed right now because you want to do your chores at your own pace rather than being forced to do them?
Child: Yeah, I'm sick and tired of being a slave. (Note the defensive mode, indicating a need to be listened to.)
Parent: So, you really want to do things when it feels good to do them, and you're not just avoiding them altogether?
Child: You order me around! (The child still needs to be listened to. The parent must keep guessing what the child is saying about feelings and wants.)
Parent: So, it's frustrating when I seem to be ordering you around and you have no choice about when to do your chores.
Child: I don't want to do chores! They're stupid. If you want them done, you do them.
Parent: You really hate doing chores and you would like me to do all of them?
Child: Yeah.. no.. I don't know. I just don't feel like being bossed around. (The child is becoming vulnerable and starting to open up because she's feeling heard without judgment.)
If we have been Jackalish and demanding in the past, the people close to us may need a lot of empathy at first. So we listen and listen, reflecting back with guesses about what they are feeling and wanting, until they feel heard and shift out of being defensive. We don't take anything personally, for we know that upset, attacking, defensive statements are tragic expressions of unmet needs. At some point, the person's voice and body language will indicate that a shift has occurred.
At a meeting I attended at a mosque in a refugee camp near Jerusalem, a man suddenly stood up and cried, "Murderer!" As a Giraffe, all I heard was "Please!"-that is, I heard the pain, the need that wasn't being met. That is where I focused my attention. After about 40 minutes of speaking, he did what most of us do when we sense we have been accurately heard and listened to: he changed. The situation was immediately defused of all tension.
In international disputes, as well as in relationship, business, classroom, and parent-child conflicts, we can learn to hear the human being behind the message, regardless of how the message is framed. We can learn to hear the other person's unmet needs and requests. Ultimately, listening empathetically does not imply doing what the person wants; rather, it implies showing respectful acknowledgment of the individual's inner world. As we do that, we move from the coercive language we have been taught to the language of the heart.
Speaking from the heart is a gesture of love, giving other people an opportunity to contribute to our well-being and to exercise generosity. Empathetically receiving what is going on in others is a reciprocal gesture. Giraffes experience love as openness and sensitivity, with no demands, criticism, or requirements to fulfill requests at either end of the dispute. And the outcome of any dialogue ruled by love is harmony.
In the end, Jackals are simply illiterate Giraffes. Once you've learned to hear the heart behind any message, you discover that there's nothing to fear in anything another person says. With that discovery, you are well on your way to compassionate communication. This form of dialogue, although offering no guarantees of agreement between disputing parties, sets the stage for negotiation, compromise, and most importantly, mutual understanding and respect.
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of the international nonprofit Center for Nonviolent Communication, has taught these empowering skills for over 30 years to the general public as well as to parents, diplomats, police, peace activists, educators, and managers. Based in Switzerland, Dr. Rosenberg travels worldwide in response to communities that request his peacemaking services and skills. He has provided mediation and training in over two dozen countries, including war-torn Rwanda, Croatia, Palestine, Sierra Leone, and Ireland.
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Anger and Domination Systems
by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
The following is a slightly edited transcript of part of a workshop on anger led by Dr. Rosenberg in England in May of 1999. Dr. Rosenberg is founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication and its director of educational services. He is author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion (Puddle Dancer Press, 1999). Marshall sometimes uses Jackal as a metaphor for life-alienated language which contributes to violence toward self and others, and Giraffe as a metaphor for the Nonviolent Communication model that he created.
Marshall: For me the subject of anger is very much a political issue. To me anger is not a central issue and I'm worried about thinking of anger as a problem. Thinking about anger as a problem is like a man who is in the habit of smoking in bed and catching the house on fire and he notices there's always this damn fire alarm going off.
He gets really annoyed and he keeps changing houses because he doesn't like dealing with the fire alarm. To me in many respects anger is the fire alarm. Why be worried and concerned about the fire alarm? So to me anger is not the problem. To me the problem is the thinking that creates it. It is a certain quality of thinking that supports domination systems.
By systems I mean governments, organizations, institutions that regulate human affairs. In his books, The Powers That Be and Engaging the Powers, theologian Walter Wink talks about domination systems being ones in which a few people control [many] to their own advantage. In domination systems you have to train people to think in ways that support the system, so they fit the system.
Domination systems require:
1. Suppression of self
2. Moralistic judgments
3. Amtssprache (this expression was used by Nazi officials to describe a bureaucratic language that denies choice, with words like should, have to, ought)
4. The crucial concept of deserve
Now anger is the result, it's a fire alarm that tells us we are thinking in a way that supports domination systems; you are thinking in a way that contributes to the oppressive world order and you are part of it.
So I don't want to get rid of it in that sense I don't want to be like the man who keeps moving his house because of the alarm. I want to make a radical shift in my thinking so I am not thinking in ways that take part in the domination systems in the world. So systems train people to think in ways that support the system. And how we are trained to communicate is obviously going to affect our human development.
We have been trained to be nice dead people or bullies. When you are in a position of authority you are justified in being a bully. You don't call yourself a bully - you call yourself an authority. In domination systems authorities are given legal power to bully through the system of deserve, in which punishment, rewards and other forms of coercion get you to do things.
How human beings develop obviously is going to affect our understanding about the nature of human beings, what we think is the nature of human beings. This is what leads us to create the kind of systems we create. This is why I like Water Wink's books so much. He sees over the past five thousand years a certain kind of consciousness of what human beings are like.
For example if you think that human beings are evil, wretched reeps, horrible things - and this view has been widely spread for several thousand years, that human beings are tainted with an evil energy - then obviously you need to set up a system that is controlled from above by those who are more moral, like you and me! And I am wary about you to tell you the truth!
The trouble is that the system has a problem to decide who is the more moral person and is the one to know how to control the other people. There have been some experiments, divine right of kings and the various others, but the idea is that the system follows with a certain consciousness about what human beings are, they have to be controlled. The primary means is a coercive method of controlling human beings to keep them thinking they are worthless little creeps.
What are the basic systems used?
Punishment - make people suffer - the whole idea of penitence is to get people to change. First you have to get people to see what horrible creeps they are. That's why one of the first things a child must be taught to say, and say well, is "Sorry."
Let's get a jackal child puppet.
Jackal Parent: Say you are sorry.
Jackal Child: I'm sorry.
Jackal Parent: You're not really sorry. I can see from your face you are not really sorry.
Jackal Child: (begins to cry) I'm sorry.
Jackal Parent: I forgive you.
That's what you have to do, you have to make people feel bad about themselves and be penitent.
That¹s why in the United States we call these institutions penitentiaries. The whole idea is you have to make people realize they are evil, so you need a language that does that, you need moralistic judgment that implies evil or bad, with words like: good, bad, right, wrong, abnormal, incompetent etc.
All kinds of words that make you wrong.
There are whole cultures that have not gone that way, where there is almost no violence. They don't have this language.
Question: "Where are these cultures?"
Marshall: Every one wants to move there! Fortunately there are a lot of them.
Fortunately anthropologist Ruth Benedict has done a lot of research in this area. A good place to start is an article in Psychology Today, June 1970 entitled "Synergy-Patterns of the Good Culture." She has written many books on the subject since the 1920s. She's found them all over the world. When she started out she wasn't sure she would find any.
The tribe I have had some contact with is Orang Asilie tribe in Malaysia. I'll never forget what my translator was saying before we got started. He was going over how he was going to translate. He pointed out his language has no verb to be, like [you are] good, bad, wrong, right. You can't classified people if you take away the verb to be. How are you going to insult people? You take away ninety percent of my vocabulary! So I say what are you going to say if I say "You're selfish"?
"Its going to be hard, I'd translate it like this: Marshall says he sees you are taking care of your needs but not the needs of others." He says, "In my language, you tell people what they are doing and what you like them to do differently, it would not occur to us to tell people what they are." He then paused and he looked at me in all sincerity and said, "Why would you ever call a person a name?"
I said you have to know who to punish. Punishment is a totally foreign concept in these tribes and cultures. He looked at me and said, "If you have a plant and it isn't growing the way you would like, do you punish it?" The whole idea of punishment is so ingrained in us that it is hard for us to imagine other options. It is totally foreign to people who haven't been educated in domination systems culture. In many of these cultures they look at people who hurt others this way: they are not bad, they've forgotten their nature. They put them in a circle and they remind them of their true nature, what it's like to be real human beings. They've gotten alienated and they bring them back to life.
Question: What's the tribe's name again?
Marshall: The Orang Asilie. This is interesting. It's not their name, it's the name the surrounding cultures call them and it means 'primitive people'.
People usually ask what were you doing there teaching them Giraffe language when they have their own Giraffe language? It's sad; they were doing quite well. They live in the forest where trees have great economic value in the outside world, so now logging companies are intruding on their space. They don't know how to speak Giraffe with Jackal speaking people. They have one senator who represents 60,000 people. In Malaysia, they heard about my work and asked me if I could do something. He says "You know there are consultants who will show us how to use guns, there's no shortage of these, to get our land back." The senator hoped there is another way.
So back to anger. I hope you're beginning to see that anger is not the issue. The issue for me is the thinking. Walter Wink points out very poignantly, domination systems require that violence be made enjoyable.
You have to make violence enjoyable for domination systems to work. Bob Kandeh from Sierra Leone knows. You can get young people to enjoy cutting off the arms of other young people in Sierra Leone because of the thinking that you are giving people what they deserve. Those people supported that government. When you can really justify why people are bad, you can enjoy their suffering.
In the United States at the time children are watching TV the most, between 7 and 9 pm, in 75 percent of the programs, the hero either kills someone or beats them up. So by the time the average child is fifteen years old, they have observed thirty thousand beatings and murders by the good guys. What does this do to our consciousness? And when does the beating and murdering occur? At the orgasmic climax; we get an orgasmic joy from violence.
Now that is probably not television; it's been going on according to Walter Wink for five thousand years. What does it do when we show this that repetitively to children? It's bad enough if they go to Church or synagogue once a week and listen to a jackal-thinking theologian who uses the good book to justify the violence and punishment of evil. It's bad enough to have that once a week, but when it's flashed across the screen with artistry in front of children's eyes in their growing years, what happens? You see you've got to make violence enjoyable.
So anger is just the human feeling that results from this. I'm glad we're here to study it, because being here to liberate ourselves from our anger means we are here to liberate ourselves from these systems. It requires a radical transformation in our thinking. We bring ourselves back to life, because adjusting to our anger means we are dead. People are surprised to hear that because (raises his voice) "I feel so alive when I am angry." You're not! You've got a lot of adrenaline going. I wouldn't say we were alive, I would say when we are alive we are connected to life. We can be connected to life when we have been trained to think in a life serving way.
So let's contrast the two systems, the domination system and the life serving system. How does life work?
We have needs, all living creatures have needs, and we have a wonderful alarm system that alerts us when our needs are not being met. What is this alert? A motivational system called feelings. In his book Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman points out that this is a natural function of emotions. They tell us when we are not getting our needs met. For example, if my need for food is not being met, but I don't have feelings, then I starve. It's like people who have neurological problems don't know if their hand is on fire or not.
So feelings are very important. They mobilize us to get our needs met. When our need is met then we have pleasureful feelings to celebrate. This is a natural system. We are in a life serving system. We would want to serve life. We would want to train people to think in this way, to think in terms of feelings, in terms of needs and need-fulfilling actions.
This is basically what Nonviolent Communication is about. If you want to serve life you want to create life-serving systems. We need to really be conscious moment by moment. We need to be as smart as bees and dogs--connected to life. Maybe it's OK to have opinions about the world situation, but if you are starving to death you need to get some food in your system. Let's really focus our consciousness on our human needs, feelings and need-fulfilling actions.
Now anger is a feeling, but anger tells us that a cancerous intruder has come in. We have a need that isn't getting met, therefore it is creating some feelings, but we are thinking in a way that serves domination systems, and this is putting a toxic energy into a natural system. Anger and its cousins, depression, guilt and shame, are all a part of domination systems.
Anger tells us we are thinking the bad guy is somebody else. With depression, guilt and shame we are the bad guy, these are the feelings that result from the thinking of domination systems.
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1. The first piece is the observation of whatever triggered the speaker's current state of mind. We do our best to state our observation free of any evaluation: "When I see video game magazines, socks, and food on the floor, and these pots and dirty dishes in the kitchen..." (Not: "When I see this huge mess.")
2. The second is the speaker's feelings in response to what is observed. We do our best to identify an emotion, sensation or state of mind that is free of thoughts: "I feel exhausted and agitated...." (Not: "I feel I shouldn't leave you home by yourself.")
3. The third is the unfulfilled need that is generating the feelings mentioned. We try to identify as closely as possible a universal need or value, or at least a desire stated in positive terms: "because I am needing more order and beauty in my home." (Not: "Because I don't want to come home to a pigsty.")
4. The fourth piece is a request that provides the listener with an opportunity to exercise their power to respond to the speaker's need with something immediate, concrete, and do-able. The mother offers such an opportunity to the son by asking: "Would you be willing to put away the things on the floor that belong to you, toss out the garbage, and wash the dishes in the sink?" (Not: "Would you quit making such a mess and do something about this room?")
When we reveal our feelings and needs, we offer others an arena where they can express their compassion. It is our vulnerability that inspires others to want to give to us from the heart. We all know it's no fun giving gifts to someone who doesn't need anything.
In a world, however, where people habitually express themselves by blaming, analyzing and judging each other, it may seem dangerous, if not downright dumb, to be exposing ourselves in this vulnerable fashion. That is why it is necessary for us to grow our Giraffe ears. Not only do we want to be able to express our own feelings and needs, it is equally important to be able to hear the other person's feelings and needs behind their words, gestures, or silences.
If my partner calls me "cold and aloof," instead of hearing judgment, I now focus my attention on his feelings and needs, and check them out with him if I'm not sure: "When you say that I am 'cold and aloof,' are you feeling sad, because you have a need for more intimacy than you're getting?" If someone calls me stupid, I may sense that she is frustrated and wanting acknowledgment or support for her views. With Giraffe ears, I hear no judgments of myself or of others, only feelings and needs -- mine and theirs. As Dr. Rosenberg explains, "All judgments are tragic expressions of unmet needs."
Having been schooled in the language of the head, most of us are skillful in analyzing, diagnosing and labelling people, but have difficulty sensing feelings and needs and making or eliciting clear requests. It may take some time to master NVC grammar, to explore and develop a new vocabulary of feelings and needs, and to develop the fluency we desire.
Gradually, however, as our words flow out of our own feelings and needs, and we learn how to empathize with others through Giraffe ears, we discover that we have freed ourselves from the compulsion to "be right" or "be nice." Our speech then embodies both our deepest truths and our deepest compassion. NVC is a set of immediately applicable skills as well as a lifelong practice of developing consciousness. As we increase moment-to-moment awareness of the feelings and needs behind all words and actions, we are transforming the world for ourselves and for others.
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