Doctors office

So today I went to see a doctor about my back and physical therapy, tomorrow and Wed I will see two more. I am bargain hunting for care. :( How sad.

As I trudge in pain from place to place, I think of Chris, and what he has done to me. I wish I could get him to see why he should help me pay for this.

I am hoping that I can afford to treat myself in the coming month soon because if not I may be stuck this way. The doctor apparently goes to my same church but seems prideful and arrogant, which is NOT Christ-like or Christian.

However, the center seems to have a lot of "things", people and machines to heal and one lone DRX9000 machine. Nonetheless, I will look into the others and decide on my best course of action with the will of God and my own sparse pocketbook. I have been denied unemployment AND disability. Homeless services are all I may have left.

Please look kindly on me Lord.

This life is a test..

So this day is a great morning to give some praise! I am crying out in pain! My back is hurting so much right now, but I am going to get the strength to go out there today and see the glory of God in the sky, on the earth and the water and know that this pain and the actions of a wicked man, too "shall pass".

http://free.napster.com/view/album/index.html?id=10901867
(hear this great song!)

Gravity
Written by Shawn McDonald and Chris Stevens
The ways of this world are grabbing a hold
Won't let me go, won't let me fly by
It takes it's toll down on my soul
‘Cause I know what I need in my life

Don't let me lose my sight of You
Don't let me lose my sight
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me on down
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me to the ground

This world keeps making me cry
But I'm going to try, going to try to fly, going to fly high
Don't want to give into the sin, want to stay in You ‘til the end
Don't want to lose my sight of You
Don't want to lose my sight

I want to fly
Into the sky
Turn my back on this old world
Leave it all behind
This place is not my home
It's got nothing for me
Only leaves me emptiness
And tears in my eyes

Take this Anger from Me

This morning I am in great pain and hating Chris for hurting me, because I could be going to the Getty today with the girls had I not been hurt by him. Ugh. I am back at square one. Back in bed and disabled.

I want to have someone break his fucking legs. I know this is wrong to think about but I am so hurt and in pain.

OMG!

Today I am in so much pain! It really just hurts to stand up, walk or do anything! Please put your blessings to me today Lord. For I certainly do need you.

I must apply for disability as I cannot work due to this injury. :(

In Pain but I feel great inside..

Tonight I am experiencing a lot of pain. I was listening to Shawn McDonald and I realized this is a man who basically was like me. He was abused, part of the world, on drugs, deep in pain, empty and kind of searching how to be filled. He was lost and then God found him by some miracle and from there, he just....changed. He has become who he is now, writing the inspiring songs he writes only for and to, God.

I feel changed. I feel I am completely able to understand his lyrics because they talk about life before God and after God.

Frankly, my earthly life is in the shitter, but my spiritual life is growing by bounds and I feel great! So much so I don't even care about all this other "other stuff". When there is a greater purpose, everything else just doesn't matter. Yet, I have fought this and felt so lost, disgusting to God and hopeless for so long. :(

For kicks, since this is mine and mine only..his awesome lyrics
Simply Nothing
So hard to fathom the pain in Your eyes
As You’re watching Your children, doing what You despise
In pursuit of our own
We just go round and round
Another nail to our cause
We continue to pound

What are you, man, if you do not learn love?
What are you, man, if you do not learn love?

So hard to fathom, oh, the feelings inside
As You’re watching Your people choosing to die
You called out a warning
To all that would hear
Saying come to Me, come to Me
And I will draw near
Learn love
I must
Learn love
Learn love

Have You Ever?
Have you ever wanted to be someone else
Have you ever wanted just to be someone
Have you ever wanted to reach your dreams
Have you ever wanted life to be more than it seems
I have tasted of a love so wide

That it stops all my time
I have tasted of a love so deep
That it blows my mind

Have you ever wanted to reach up and touch the sky
Have you ever wanted to pack it up and say good-bye
Have you ever wanted someone to care
Have you ever wanted someone to be there
He is sweet, He is sweet
What your looking for
Is my sweet, sweet Jesus

Take My Hand
Take my hand to the promise land
And on You I want to stand
‘Cause I cannot do it on my own
You’re what I need and I need to be
Right by Your side ‘cause I cannot hide
Lord, I know that I need You
Na na na na na na na na na, I need You
Na na na na na na na na na, I need You

Without You I’m so alone
I am weak but You are strong
You pick me up when I’m falling down
And I am crying
Out to You inside of my heart
I need You, Lord, oh so, for the part
I want You to have my life, Jesus

I fall to my knees
And I’m begging You, please, oh, Lord
Won’t You change me
Make me new from the inside out
I want to shout out Your name

Here I Am
I lay myself at Your feet
Asking You won't You meet
Won't You meet me
I cannot do it on my own
I cannot do it all alone
Here I am, oh, tonight
With my arms open wide
Won't You come inside
Won't You come inside, God
Come and fill this heart of mine
I'm in need of You
Of Your touch, of Your life, of Your love
I need You
I need You

Anywho, some are wondering what happened to the person writing in anger and hatred. About 2 weeks ago I was crying uncontrollably and feeling at my lowest and out of pure exhaustion at my life, my choices, and my person I just asked God to "please help me", over and over and over until I fell asleep and since then... all was different for me. If that is not a miracle, (he has given me a chance, again!)I don't know what is.



My empty space that I have felt since leaving home at 13, and have been filling with men for so long, the wrong men at that, and drink and drugs, sex, and music and "busy-ness" is slowly being filled. I know what that space is for now, and how to fill it. Nothing else will do.

The Bible and I have the same mate in mind

A Repost  4-8-2009

Learning About the Proverbs Man 

I was totally shocked when I read the Bible last night after like 10 years. The man I want now, the qualities I want, and now find attractive is actually stated in the Bible. It's crazy!

The men I used to choose were also in there! Here are some examples from the book of Proverbs:

• Harsh discipline is for him who forsakes the way; and he who hates correction will die.
• He who is slow to wrath has great understanding, be he who is impulsive exalts foolishness and folly.
• A false witness shall not go unpunished and he who speaks lies shall perish.
• Whoever hides hatred has lying lips, who ever spreads slander is a fool.
• Like a madman who throws arrows, firebrands and death, is the man who deceives his neighbor and then says "I was just joking" (yeah, thats actually in the Bible, lol)
• A proud and haughty man - "Scoffer" is his name - he acts only with arrogant pride.
• He who loves pleasure will be a poor man, he who loves wine and oil will not be rich.
• Do not mix with winebibbers, or gluttonous eaters of meat; for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and drowsiness will clothe a man with rags.
• Do not envy wicked men, do not desire their company; for their hearts plot violence, and their lips talk about making trouble.
• He who loves transgression seeks strife, he who exalts his gate seeks destruction.
• Do not speak to a fool, for he will scorn the wisdom of your words.
• Those who linger over wine, who go to sample bowls of mixed wine. Do not gaze at wine when it is red, when it sparkles in the cup, when it goes down smoothly! In the end it bites like a snake and poisons like a viper. Your eyes will see strange sights and your mind imagine confusing things. You will be like one sleeping on the high seas, lying on top of the rigging. "They hit me," you will say, "but I'm not hurt! They beat me, but I don't feel it! When will I wake up so I can find another drink?"

Those have been the qualities of the men I chose. "Lovers of themselves" They are sinners and wicked in God's eyes because they walk away from repentance and do not choose God's way - choosing the ways of sin "they seek death". He describes exactly his feelings about all these things/these types of men, in verse after verse, chapter after chapter.

Here are the male types however, that I have been seeking newly in my heart. The Bible actually describes them just as clearly so I may know the difference. He will be someone who will be/have:

• "by humility and fear of the Lord" (in actions, not words)
  
• "he who has a generous eye"
  
• "he who is in wisdom and understanding"
• "he who excels in his work"
• "he who does not mistreat his father or chase away his mother"
• "he who does not utter a false witness"
  
• "he who owns discretion and is slow to anger, slow to wrath"
• What is desired in a man is kindness, and a poor man is better than a liar. (in actions, not words)
• "he who keeps the commandments" (in actions, not words)
• Wisdom is in the sight of him who has understanding, but the eyes of a fool are on the ends of the earth.
• He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and who rules his spirit that he who can take a city.

There it is. In black and white and laid out pretty damn clearly since, oh I don't know, a really long time. Totally blew my mind when I read it.

2 But I had almost stopped believing; I had almost lost my faith
3 because I was jealous of proud people. I saw wicked people doing well.
4 They are not suffering; they are healthy and strong.
5 They don’t have troubles like the rest of us; they don’t have problems like other people.
6 They wear pride like a necklace and put on violence as their clothing.
7 They are looking for profits and do not control their selfish desires.
8 They make fun of others and speak evil; proudly they speak of hurting others.
9 They brag to the sky. They say that they own the earth.
10 So their people turn to them and give them whatever they want.
11 They say, “How can God know?
12 These people are wicked, always at ease, and getting richer.
13 So why have I kept my heart pure? Why have I kept my hands from doing wrong?
14 I have suffered all day long; I have been punished every morning.
15 God, if I had decided to talk like this, I would have let your people down.Psalms 73:2-15

1 Don’t be upset because of evil people. Don’t be jealous of those who do wrong,
2 because like the grass, they will soon dry up. Like green plants, they will soon die away.
3 Trust the Lord and do good. Live in the land and feed on truth.Psalms 37:1-3

Because the imperfection of the earthly justice system and the assumption that the principles instituted by God is slow to react, men think they can continue with their ways unhampered. Influencing as many as they can. But the answer to the assumed passiveness of the Creator is explained also!

He has been very kind and patient, waiting for you to change, but you think nothing of his kindness. Perhaps you do not understand that God is kind to you so you will change your hearts and lives. Romans 2:4

Eventually, people will receive the appropriate wages for the decisions and actions they made. This could be the reason why we are advised to embrace “wisdom” .

20 Wisdom is like a woman shouting in the street; she raises her voice in the city squares.
21 She cries out in the noisy street and shouts at the city gates:
23 If only you had listened when I corrected you, I would have told you what’s in my heart; I would have told you what I am thinking.
24 I called, but you refused to listen; I held out my hand, but you paid no attention.
25 You did not follow my advice and did not listen when I corrected you.
31 So you will get what you deserve; you will get what you planned for others.
32 Fools will die because they refuse to listen; they will be destroyed because they do not care.
33 But those who listen to me will live in safety and be at peace, without fear of injury.” Proverbs 1:20-25, 31-33

I'm going to have another great day.

60 Days - Day 2

60 days

This is my 60 day notebook section. Today is Day 2.

1) 60 days without talking to him is going to be hard because _________.

60 days is not going to be THAT hard because:

• He has his eye on the poor Veggie Grill blonde by now - I'm sure he is trying to be "friends"
  
• He is not going to change
  
• He was an asshole
  
• I plan on keeping busy and focusing on myself
  
• I have God
  

2) Why should I be the one that has to_______________?

3) The time I think of him the most is_________________.

• When I am driving, or in the shower.
• When I am sleeping or listening to music.
  

4) Today, instead of calling him/seeing him I will _____________.

• remember while I am buying bed sheets that he took those from me
  
• see Dr. Matso
• rest and set up interviews
  
• pray and read my bible
• call Karin, Nancy, Meridith, or someone, anyone! else
  
• go to church and my CoDA meeting tonight (express myself!)
  
• cook a nice meal for myself
• find a great doctor
  
• call others
  
• sleep

5) Even when I am feeling my weakest at least I've got _____________.

• God to pray to/to cry myself to sleep to/to wake up in thanks to
  
• Meetings
• Family
• Karin and friends
• my strength
• my will
• my love of myself
• my self esteem
• my will to change
• my sense of humor
• my legs at least
  
• pillows, though no bedsheets
• a second chance at a new life
  

6) This is retarded because____________.

• because wtf? do I have to write this down
• because it actually is helping

Holy Revelations Batman - The Notebook!

So last night I watched "The Notebook." Now I want to start this off saying I was not thinking about anything but getting my mind off current situation with a favorite movie and some Tylenol Cold to stop the incessant sneezing and coughing and pain in my back.

However, remembering back to November of 06, I recalled watching this movie one night and not having known Chris very well at all yet, and thinking "Wow, this guy reminds me of Chris, awww, I really want to call him" and I was missing him and not knowing at all why. Chris DOES NOT look like hottie Ryan Gosling. I even told Chris that I watched this movie and the character had reminded me of him, which he took as a compliment after seeing the movie. However, I was also angry at Chris, even back then, for having promised he was going to have some medication sent to me for my back and then omg.. not sending anything or calling. How original...this is how he has been the whole time.

However, watching it again after 1 year and half and knowing what I know about abuse, and having been through all I have. I was fucking shocked to my core. TO MY CORE! I viewed this movie with very different eyes. Eyes that know what abuse is and domestic violence is and have studied their own family history and have a clue as to why they sometimes do the things they do subconsciously and are attracted to the people they are.

The young handsome guy in this storyline, "Noah" is a sarcastic, ordering, abusive jerk with a demanding and overall disrespectful personality. However, I realized at the time of watching this, add some kind of drug/alcohol use and THIS IS WHAT I USED TO FIND ATTRACTIVE. This is what I used to think was confidence and strength and protection and worst of all, NORMAL. =(

They start their relationship by him disrespecting her "No" to go out with him. He jumps on a ferris wheel and threatens his own life, demanding she go out with him. I used to think this was "romantic" but it is actually disgusting and unhealthy to me now. He then proceeds on their date to order her around, define her and makes "jokes" about her (like Chris used to), in almost every scene. They verbally and actually physically abuse one another in another 2 scenes of "love".

The older couple scenes are much less abusive and more tender, leading me to think now the lady is suffering from head trauma and is in the hospital having been with this asshole so long. But.. and this is important---this is a movie.

Real life is much more dangerous when dramatized and idealized by such films. I realized this is what sets ME up for abuse. These first "scenes" in which people say silently "yes, abuse will be ok here".

Chris also disrespected my "no" in our first days of getting to know one another. I had told him I didn't want to be in a relationship. I had told him I didn't want to kiss him or do anything sexual. I had told him no to seeing him again as anything more than platonic, still disrespecting my "no" he kept on pushing, determined and therefore abusively. My actions, allowing it all, however said "Yes, you can abuse me." "I know I don't deserve more than this." Which I actively believed and still sometimes do. I'm working on that, I have after all left him, have I not? That should say something.

Later taking advantage of me physically/sexually, and knowing I was completely under his power, being disabled AND having no where else to go - he proceeded to hold me down, make fun of me, grab me hard, order me around for 3 months.

In retrospect, I proceeded to get scared, so much so that I ran back to another abusive situation (to Brandon) just to "get away" from Chris. Still disabled, it got so bad with Chris, so soon, that I had RUN AWAY which is why I left his house in February 07. During this time, he would also go to another woman (his coworker, I was gone and leaving him so he needed a replacement but she wasn't a "sure" thing) and abuse progressed between us at an alarming rate, all the while we were both saying/thinking it was "love".

But I did not stay away, because I still believed, that I deserve abuse and was used to only that kind of treatment and did not yet know why. I wanted to hurt myself, turn it inward, and I continued to see him, his control tactics and manipulation seeming like "care" to me and called such by him. He had "given" me his car, (another way to see me, another way to control me) to use for if I needed it and a bed.

Then in May 07, when he had ordered me in the sub shop to "Sit the f-.."(aka sit the fuck down) I saw and felt something then and there. Something snapped in me. "That is it! I do not deserve this and will not accept this anymore." "After 17 years, I don't deserve this anymore. No matter what I have done in my past" and I left him on that day. I did not talk to him, told him he needed counseling and to leave me alone.

However, living with Brandon I still was being abused by a narcissist and I was not completely sure of myself or what was happening. This also happened to be the first time in my life that I actually looked into what may be wrong with me that I have accepted this for so long. 17 years is a long time to have only negative core beliefs.

Chris stopped the abuse temporarily to get me back, then when safe again and I had moved BACK INTO HIS HOUSE, the abuse continued. Though I had been smart enough this time around to get a room separated from him. I did not room WITH HIM as previously. I lived in the house. In July, he threw 2 quarters at me. I kicked him out of MY room and ordered him to get counseling. In September 07 he began NA, and in October he began Abuse Counseling, in November he stated he had been "released" by Dr. Adams and that he wanted to take me to meet his family. We went on "vacation" which he had paid for and a lot of the time was great, however, I noticed abuse toward him from his family and towards the end he began to abuse me again and I was headed for a breakup with him by the time we got home. Vacillating the whole time.

During this time I tried as much as I could to get my own life and proceed in healing myself, my back without direction, and without support. I was going to CoDA meetings which gave me perspective and I had already begun therapy. In late November 07 I decided to move out of Chris's house and into my own apartment. I think I realized even then, that I needed a life away from Chris maybe to subconsciously stop the abuse. I do not know...

On the day I moved into my new place alone - I was soooo scared. I realized I had never been on my own and really truly alone. I ran back to Chris mentally and physically. Afraid to be alone. Afraid to stand without assistance. I demanded his time and attention. I am so glad i moved here. I am glad he pushed me literally one last time, right out the fucking door and out of his life forever. I am glad I can write and say I would never ever talk to that person or see him again in any context or rose colored glasses of "caring". I truly believe I am saving my own life. When I recently spoke to the domestic violence shelter woman and she applauded me for leaving (most of all go back) she asked me to come in and speak.

The entire relationship with Chris I had been suicidal. I strongly believe that will completely cease. In retrospect, I have never actually been or felt suicidal OUT of a relationship, ever, and ALL not some, of my relationships have been abusive. You do the math.

I have done the math, and it is a sad amount left over. The fact that I was attracted to men like this for so long and they are actually idealized in movies like those says a lot about society and also movies made by men.

Anyway, this "Notebook" is a movie, shit in real life doesn't happen so sweetly or smoothly. Women end up maimed or hurt, or dead if there is worse, then worse. I am so glad I watched it last night, I am jumping for joy to be out of my relationship with him and I am hoping upon hoping I do NOT MEET ANYONE else before I have had a chance to get more therapy and figure out this issue with Dad before I get involved with anyone ever again.

60 days

This is my 60 day notebook section. Today is Day 1.

1) 60 days without talking to him is going to be hard because _________.

• I remember us - the early us.
• What if he calls? (nah, he won't call)
  
• I don't have the # deleted yet or have changed the ringer to the self esteem ringer.
• I am afraid of being alone sometimes.
• I used to talk to him about everything (but he didn't really care, now did he?)
  

2) Why should I be the one that has to_______________?

• Remember us and miss what we had.
• Go through this pain alone.
• Get over him and feel his pain to me every day.
• Wish that he would have been different.
• Ask why/what/where in regards to him
• care at all, when he clearly didn't care about me or us
  

3) The time I think of him the most is_________________.

• When I am driving, or in the shower.
• When I am sleeping or listening to music.
  

4) Today, instead of calling him/seeing him I will _____________.

• completely rearrange my furniture to look nothing like when he was coming over.
  
• see Darcy and Karin
• ice and remind myself he is the one who did this to me and therfore does not deserve my good thoughts.
  
• rest and read my bible
• call Karin, Nancy, Meridith, or someone, anyone! else
  
• go to church and my CoDA meeting tonight (express myself!)
  
• cook a nice meal for myself
• set up interviews for this week/find a great doctor
  
• prepare and write down how I forsee my new life and look.
• call Dr. Matso
• sleep

5) Even when I am feeling my weakest at least I've got _____________.

• God to pray to/to cry myself to sleep to/to wake up in thanks to
  
• Meetings
• Family
• Karin and friends
• my strength
• my will
• my love of myself
• my self esteem
• my will to change
• my sense of humor
• my legs at least
  
• pillows, though no bedsheets
• a second chance at a new life
  

6) This is retarded because____________.

• because wtf? do I have to write this down
• because it actually is helping
• because its by two people who already have love and are married ><
• because this book is awesome
  

When I am tempted - this is what I need to read

pg 128

Our Relationship (for if I am ever missing it at all by some crazy reason)

Chris Best Qualities

• he was there for me when I needed money or words of encouragement
• we used to have a lot of fun together when he was sober (Norah Jones, skating, trips, dates, dinners, renting movies etc.)
• I could be intimate with him after he was going to therapy (I never could really be with any other man)
• I tried trust with him
• I enjoyed sex with him
• I loved his penis and our toys
• he would say such sweet things sometimes
• his little pep talks
• the fact that he went to NA for 2 weeks and Dr. Adams for 2 months and read an abuse book
• he has the most beautiful eyes - I loved his body
• he would share his things with me (like the juicer, vacuum, printer)
• he could be romantic when he wanted to
  

Chris Worst Qualities

• · he looks at other women in front of me with those beautiful eyes :(
• · he would spend days without answering my calls or contacting me
• · he neglected me often
• · he would make fun of me in front of other people and say mean things like you are the reason people can't skateboard in public. or why don't we just tie her to a train or she is the reason I am ... (insert blame statement here)
• · he would expect things in return for the things he "gave"/never appreciated the words "thank you" or gratitude expressions where he didn't "get something"
• · he was selfish and would disappear on me
• · he had too many ass play fantasies and issues with sex
• · he emotionally cheated on me with Jenny (this should have been a flag)
• · he lied to me and is prone to lie when it suits him
• · I felt used by him by him sexually and otherwise a lot
• · he watched too much porn/masturbated all day long sometimes
  
• · I got a lot of yeast infections with him
• · he blamed me, Cavan, roommates and everyone else for his issues/problems at work/home
• · he said mean/horrible things that hurt my feelings and I would feel bad about myself
• · he would choose to go to sleep on me when I would try to talk to him about my feelings or spend time with him
• · I cried alone a lot being with him :(
• · he threw quarters at me
• he held me down against my will when my back was hurt and got on top of me so I could not leave his house
• he has grabbed me in a rough way and laughed about it when I was hurt and angry. (January)
• he has stopped me from leaving his house by taking my laptop and then lying to me about it. (January)
• He sometimes hits things, throws things when he is angry and yells instead of taking a step back or going for a walk or cooling off before communicating. (Jan – March 07)
• He has lied to me about flirting/talking to other women and has emotionally cheated on me w/ a coworker when we were having “space”. (Feb-March 07)
• He has looked at other women in front of me, disrespecting me as his gf. (March 07)
• he does not show alot of motivation in working hard for things himself or others.
• he is insecure about his talents, abilities and general self.
• He has coerced me into sex, forced sex on me when I did not want to have it. (Dec - January)
• He wants to have a child and perpetuate abuse cycles.
• He has talked down to me, or dismissed me in a negative and condescending way in front of my friends. (March)
• He has talked to me in a condescending way and ordered me to act in a way contrary to my will. (May)
• He was raised in a violent household that did not share feelings/thoughts practiced denial and did not communicate well.
• He inquires about my feelings of other men - acts in a mistrusting way toward me
• He has made many negative mentions (though saying he is "joking") about women and having a sexist attitude toward women as objects, and his views on women’s roles.
• Recently (the last time he will ever see me) he grabbed me and pushed me down onto the stairs and hurt my back AGAIN.
  
• · he smoked too much weed
• · he became completely cruel, and addicted and later.. completely evil to me.
• · he was manipulative
  

Things I will miss..

• us cuddling - I loved to cuddle with Bear-y Flavor!
• he used to give me 1 hour massages
• Roscoe (the "doggies")!
  
• just looking at him + his fucking beautiful body
• his bodies warmth in my bed, next to me
  
• showering with him
• slow dancing with him
  
• him making me dinner (actually he would do his for anyone)
  
• hugging him when he cried or was sad/when he is happy
  
• being able to cry, laugh and sing to/with him
• hearing his voice/his singing
• his sense of stability in relationship (the "no matter what" belief)
• his friends (except Brandon)
  
• his family :(
  
• going to hang with him at work
• I will miss never seeing Deland and his special places.
  
• I will miss never meeting his aunts/uncles or go to Maine with him.
• He and I are never going to Hawaii
  
• He will never see me surfing or learning to surf
• He will never see me perform onstage
  

Things I will not miss...

• he never wanted to deal about our problems with actual work
• him looking at other girls when we are out together
  
• he stopped listening to me and caring about my needs
• he stopped doing things to show he cared
• he signed up for sex/play dating sites and tried to meet women and transvestites while I was still thinking we were "together" telling them that he wanted to do sexual things to them
  
• he rarely said "I understand" or "I'm sorry", with true sincerity
  
• I had a lot of bruises in my year 1/2 being with him (I hate bruises)/he tried to grab me alot..
• I think he was a sex addict
• the things he did to his sister when he was younger that he told me about
  
• his dishonesty
• his stealing money from work (what the fuck made him do that?) I should have left him 3/13 when he told me that
• his $500 monthly weed addiction - I KNOW he is a drug addict
• his lack of responsibility in paying bills or anything on time
• his complete disrespect of me
• him forgetting things that I told him were important to me
• him doing things he knew I didn’t like or want for us
• our arguing
• his lack of motivation
• his hairy bed and constant messy room
• his attempts to bring others into our sex life
• his giving "gifts" expecting a payoff
• his biting and hurtful sarcasm
• him being violent with me
• we rarely danced or went to karaoke
• his selfishness/narcissism
• His passive-aggressiveness
• not hearing about Cavan
  

This is the man who ..

• I Thought respected and loved me
• I Thought could be "the one"
• I was completely faithful to and in love with
  
• i Wanted to have kids with and marry
• I Thought was going to change for himself and us
  
• I Depended on
• I was completely conned/fooled by
• I cannot believe is now trying to harm me more than he has
  

This is the man who ..

• fucked my sense of trust in men which was already shaky at best
• who fucked around online with other women
• fucked me when I felt vulnerable and sad
• fucked up the relationship by getting high every day, lying, being selfish, stealing and lost all his good qualities by physically and emotionally hurting me all while saying "he loved me" and was not at fault for anything and still has not apologized or made any real attempt at caring and changing.
• planned a special date with me and left me to get high with his friend after telling me he would never do such a thing
• fucked himself and his morals by stealing money from his company.. (this is against my belief in God)
  
• who planned a date with a coworker (Jenny) and lied to me about their relationship after I had asked him to please not talk to her that it made me uncomfortable.
• who talked badly about me behind my back to his friends and coworkers.
  
• diminished my sense of love for him when I told him I was hurting due to what he did to me (pushing me) and that I just wanted him to be nicer and get help and pay for this and instead asked me to "come over and fuck him and you'll get over our problems that way" instead of truly caring about my well being, the fact that he put me in pain, respecting me and taking responsibility for his action.
  

All of these things bad and good are our relationship. It is important for me to remember so that I know why it never should have been. In the end of a relationship, people tend to sugarcoat their exes and become romantic revisionists and or have dumpers' remorse.

"Dumpers' Remose is from relationship expert Greg Berendt:
"He just broke up with you. So really, he's not that great a guy! There are two conditions that afflict many refugees of recent breakups. First is what we call Revisionist Romance Disorder. RRD, like an acute case of 20/20 Blindsight, creates an inability to see the past as it actually happened. Additionally, those who suffer from Revisionist Romance Disorder cannot control the need to rewrite their relationship to match the feelings they want to have about it. With RRD, an incessant cheater becomes "a really good guy" who was just scared of getting too close. The drunk that forgot your birthday becomes "the one that got away." The abusive guy who beat you up or put you down becomes the one who "just couldn't express himself" and was sadly afflicted by the world.

It's an easily identifiable disease, but like all afflictions, the first step to overcoming it is to admit you have a problem. And your problem is that if you truly want to move on, you need to stop rewriting the past and see your relationship for what it was: the good and the bad, the ups and downs, the baffling, the maddening, and the ridiculous.

To do this, you need to put aside all feelings of embarrassment or shame over how the relationship unfolded -- or ended. It's okay to have been disappointed by the fact that he forgot your birthday, or never put forth any effort with your family, or seemed to care more about his work than you. If he's a cheater it's okay to hate him for it--it's a totally natural reaction to being betrayed. As much as it sucks, you need to force yourself to remember your very worst times together, his most irritating habits, and the hard truth that not only can he live without you but he'd rather. He has chosen to. Ouch! Yes, indeed but doesn't that make it easier to be without him? When you rewrite the past and make your romance seem so perfect (example: He cared so much about my friends that he had sex with one of them; it wasn't that weird that he always called me by his ex-girlfriend's name), your loss starts to seem unbearable. And it's definitely not. Believe us. The demise of your relationship is the result of it not being a fit, a match, meant to be and certainly not the love of a lifetime. You need to stop pretending that it is or was. Remember, it's called a break-up because it's broken and who wants to be in a broken relationship? NOT YOU!"

No, NOT ME, that is why though he has done what he has done and refuses to help me get better, I am moving on with my injured back alone and ready to make my life over without him in it. I actually hope he is dating already and moving on unlike most breakup wishes. I deserve someone who wants me all the time, is a good person consistently, not just between the hours of 11-5am.

Out - last contact

8:03 AM Chris: hello?

8:05 AM me: I am dropping your things off tomorrow. there is no need for you to pay for anything. did you get my email? I have been unable to contact you by phone

pls read my email.

goodbye.

Chris: I have. are you sure you don't want to talk about anything?

8:06 AM i have collected and cleaned your things

me: yes. i am sure. i just want us to move out and on with our lives

tomorrow u can go the MB police station

there is no record of this... you can rip up the agreement

Chris: what about dropping it off on my patio?

8:07 AM me: if i can get an officer i will try

Chris: i don't have to be there

me: hmmm i am sorry but i cannot lift your things

Chris: and you may pick up your things

I'm not getting my bonus

me: i do not want my things anymore

i do not want to talk to you anymore

and i want to give you your things and stay alive

goodbye

8:08 AM Chris: well

let's talk until we both get our things back then

me: i dont think u understand

we are not going to talk

only u are getting your things

i am not getting mine

there is no reason to talk

Chris: you are refusing yours

me: pls continue as u have..

Chris: of course there is

me: not answering the phone and no contact

Chris: we're two human beings

(here i wanted to type "no, not both of us are human" but there is no more need.)

me: 60 days pls

60 days

good bye

8:09 AM Chris: ughh.... ok

me: bye

Chris: sure

8:10 AM would you please send me the "death threat" you received.

8:11 AM me: i already did

Chris: to which address?

me: when u accused me of going through your mail which i have not done for ... 5 months

8:12 AM to both

it is the email forwarded to me that i forwarded to you

about "other ways" of dealing with ladies like myself

goodbye

i am blocking you

Chris: i can't find it

me: do not contact me again,. you will get your things

there is nothing for you to pay...

Chris: don't do this

me: let this go

Chris: STOP!

8:13 AM PLEASE!

me: i am leaving

today

Anyone only need to take a look at my diary to tell what the fuck is going on with me. Alot.

A whole lot. I have reread my blog and pretty much from 2007, I have been wanting out of this abusive relationship. As has he. I do not know what the fuck happened to his brain, and I don't care.

I am moving. Leaving this place today, going to somewhere safe.

Tomorrow we are dropping his things off at the station, I am packed and ready to get out of here. I think the guys here understand. Sooo ready! He is fucking trying to have me killed.

You know, looking back when we were "sharing" he said "Rhiannon THOUGHT I pushed her down the stairs, but I didn't, we were fighting and she just slipped." I should have fucking been like "Oh really?" and said "Sorry, it's late, I must get home" and wobbled my ass out the door, happy to be alive and without that shit.

She didn't fucking "slip". He did push her, I know that now because here he is having done the same thing to me, (putting his hands on me abusively) and denying it, again. I loathe what he will tell his new gf about why I left him. He did push me too and very hard and he bruised my arms, hurt my back badly, ironically, the very reason we got together at all. When I met him I had hurt my back on my own, he came in to "save" the day from Brandon, "I'll take care of you" he had said. Oh yeah you did, only to fucking be a worse person in the end. At least Brandon was so self absorbed he wasn't vengeful, but this one is crazy, abusive, on drugs, a thief and AND vengeful as well as a liar.

I only think of him with disgust at this point. He was never the person I thought he was. He has actually become scum in my eyes and a waste of space and life to me. Whatever good he has done for me and to me, or so I thought, has been cancelled out by these last 5 days. He has threatened my life. MY LIFE!! After fucking hurting me already!!!

What?

So yesterday after coming from the courthouse, last night I decided I was not going to go forward with any of this legal and court related bullshit against Chris.

Just when I thought it was safe to go and move on with my life, today after an interview I get an email saying I am trying to extort Chris for money and there is blackmail and all this nonsense going on from my end? That Karin is not in a bar something or other, Bar? Karin isnt a fucking lawyer, she is a friend who cares about me (while I am not capable of doing that right now) that I asked/begged to be the go between from Chris so we could have some seriously needed fucking space, I could focus on getting over this and he didn't have to deal with my anger nor I his. 60 fucking days that was my goal.

Instead there has been all this fucking misunderstanding and now I am defending myself against his friends and family and lawyers of reports of extortion and blackmail. Um, what? I am not sure what he and Karin have been going over, but all I wanted was for him to pay the medical bills for the injury he gave me. I even told her I didn't want any additional money from him (that whole $250 bi weekly shit) which was in the original request.

And it was and remained a request. I don't understand why he didn't just say no. I don't agree and I'm not going to pay? He has had no problem saying no to me in the past!

I also told her last night that I was not going to take any action against him because no matter what he has done, I do not want to and am not going to ruin his life and NEVER speak to him again. I wanted to be able to call him in 5 years when we have forgotten each other and all this shit, and just say "how are you doing?" and leave it at that!

Instead he is/was trying to ruin mine this whole time! All this based on a miscommunication and no communication from me, anger and basically maybe just hating me. I don't know.

Anyway, after reading that, I decided then and there that this has been blown FAR out of proportion isn't even worth the additional stress. I am in more pain after reading that than I was before reading it. I have been gravely misunderstood and he is in complete denial mode of physically hurting me. He wants to deny it, fine. I don't care at this point. What this means to me, is I want to give him his things, get my things and I want no contact to/from him from that point.

I have no idea how I am going to pay for these bills, but fucking fuck the shit that is going on now, I mean what the fuck is he thinking? What is he telling people? I didn't press charges against him, I have no orders, I declined to make a permanent report because I knew that it would be bad for him, and he is out hanging out, talking shit about me, dating, getting a lawyer for.... a request I made to him that has the wrong language, that I wrote in writing myself. For between HIM AND I to agree or disagree, negotiate etc. Not courts, lawyers, family, friends. He must really be ashamed or scared or fucking nuts.

They have threatened my life. He has actually had his "friend" threaten my life. "There are "other ways" to deal with me?" What kind of person does that? Here I am thinking of him and completely being fair and deciding I would never want to do anything fucked up to him, while he is spending all day trying to take me for all I have, have me killed/maimed/raped who knows? and totally lie about me and what happened. Instead of "yeah, I pushed her, I made a mistake but I'm just gonna say no. " Then say no to me, to the agreement, to talking to Karin. Or "Hey, I am just not going to pay for this, I don't care what I did to you, go fuck yourself."

How could he behave like such a criminal? Who cares. I cannot think about him. I can only focus on going and moving out of here tonight and fucking saving myself. I have been calling him to tell him to rip up the agreement and just that I am giving him his things back, and he isn't answering. I am aware you don't want to talk to me, I don't want to talk to you either, I just want to give you your damn things! Ugh...

I'm not some espresso machine

I am a person. A living breathing person with feelings and wants and feels pain. Pain caused by someone I love. Who keeps on giving nothing but pain in his emotionless, detached coldness and inconsistency of promise.

I am broken. Tonight I met with Karin to discuss once more an agreement with Chris that will hopefully be agreed to so I can get some treatment and get better.

After going to the courthouse I realized I fucking love Chris more than anything and would not want to go through with that. I am giving him one more chance. 3 to 5 years is a LONG time not to talk to someone.

I realized I do not want that. No contact ever, not to see how he is doing, not to know if he ever made his dreams come true or he got better with the surfing and hockey. Him go to jail. No fucking way.. I do NOT want that.

Regardless of the monster he became, and how much he has hurt me, though I don't want to be with him, I love him more than anything and would never want to ruin his life.

Somehow, someway I am going to get through this. If he does not even agree to these shorter and more final terms as well as cheaper for him, then I have no other choice that to proceed with the fucking shit I do not want to do to get my treatments paid for. He wants nothing to do with me ever again, but is hopefully still open to this last option of an agreement, not even with me, with Karin. She and I are alike in that the important thing to us is that it is fair to him but still allows me get my back better.

If not, well then I am fucked and need to take the only option someone who is fucked has. Backed into a corner, come out fighting. =( Let's hope not.

Why?!!!?

So today I went to get a restraining order against Chris. I went to the police station and they told me that the state goes after the perpetrator no matter what happened/ no matter what the victim wants or thinks. Some new domestic violence law to protect the large amount of women (apparently over 68%) who make reports then try to take the guy back or cancel the reports, they end up taking the guy back and he kills them. So now they don't let the victim do/say anything. The state goes after the guy.

This is NOT what I wanted. Damnit, I just wanted him to pay for my medical bills so I could find a fucking job and move on with my life. He refuses to give me the money upfront. He makes $65k per year and is actually negotiating the $250 bi-weekly verbal agreement we had (of which I would be returning 50% of the money to him anyway once working!). I am shocked that he is behaving this way. Now the order/court will have to determine the amount and that is determined by cost of treatment/length etc.

I am sure all he thinks is I want his money, and that I am a horrible crazy person, which couldn't be further from the truth. I love him. I loved him and do not want to do this. He continues to say he did not really hurt me, and that he wants nothing to do with me, instead of saying "yes, I will pay for this grave mistake I made and also leave you alone."

I cannot control what or how he thinks. I just know that I don't want to do this. I want to scream please just agree to the agreement so we can move on and don't have to take this route but I feel like he is forcing me to because he is completely in denial and only acting out in detachment/anger.

I am so sad and my body hurts all over. I hate this situation.