Here goes:
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.
------------
Wow. How things change. Reason, a season or a lifetime. I wish he was a lifetime, alas I guess it was a reason? I have learned so much from him.
I was dishonest with him and now it is time to tell the truth because though I will lose him and he will never be mine again, it is better he knows than that he does not know. I have been touting for years how I do not lie and how it is not ok to lie and yet the one thing I always lie about myself and have lied about is my age. It is unfair and hypocritical. Nightmares since last night, and to think how I cringed every time we discussed it or it came up in conversation.
My friend D says if its love it will be love regardless of age, age is truly nothing but a number and everything can be worked out if we really want to, but I know he isn’t going to want to be with me after I tell him. She says if he leaves because he knows my age then he wasn’t really going to stay anyway and would have found a reason to go eventually. Then there is his little 16 year old waiting for him at the end of his tunnel, hmmm? I am sure she will look that much better to him now. We were one another’s rebound I guess and now its time for me to fess up and decide where to go from here. I am so fucking hurt, but I guess I knew that going in didn’t I? I tried not to get involved, not to give in, and then once I did I tried so hard to make it all good, and all alright to tell myself that when I told him, it would all be ok, but it won’t. It isn’t. Rationalizing, that it didn’t matter yet because he was in RI and not here yet, right? Well now after I tell him, he is NEVER coming back to CA. Not for me, at least. I have lost him and his trust for good.
The thing I talked about with my surrogate parents and that thing I can’t get my head around this age thing is that if it wasn’t him, it will be/would have been someone else. My pool of candidates is in a diff age range. I mean realistically there is Chris in SD, Vince, Jon, Joey, Alex, Carlos, Sid, my roommates, I mean the list goes on and on. I only know younger guys and girls! All the girls I know and are close to are younger than me also. Every single one of them is in their early 20’s. Everyone I talk to is younger than me by like 10-17 years. Why is this and why am I am attracted to younger guys and is this really such a bad thing? I have great passion, great knowledge and great love. I am sensual, sexual and generally want to be free to do as I please. I do not have the hang-ups or conditions that older people seem to have. I don’t have traditional views of marriage and children and I like to have fun. I love music, video games and dancing. Wtf? Of course I am going to attract younger guys and they me. I guess just happen to think younger and be into things that younger people are into, always. Immature and all that….
Guys my age or older.. hmm. I don’t like their bellies, their missing hair and their haughty male privilege attitudes. I have been dating younger guys my whole life, I have been hanging out with girls and guys younger than me forever! Truth is, though I will be mourning us and the loss of him, experience tells me I will probably at some point meet another guy the same age, have those flittering butterflies and be running through the streets naked and making out on top of a monument somewhere and he will want me
too. Let’s take a look back in time shall we?
35 - 20
32 - 22
30 - 20
27 - 21
25 - 19
21 - 18
16 - 14
Idk what to say. I am young at heart and I do not and have never looked or felt my own age. Though this has been great it’s also a curse of sorts. Well, I’m going to tell him and get over losing him already. Its better now than later.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
coping skills
I don’t know what to do about this situation. What I want and what I am going to get, I feel are two different things, I knew this when it started and I didn’t want to see it. Now it is there in plain sight. Why can I not leave this boy alone? I tried yesterday pretty unsuccessfully and today broke once. I need my fucking book back. Why do I get addicted to people and try to obsess about them? I need to put my focus elsewhere. On myself and allow this kid to be a distraction at best. Operative word there is kid. I am asking for an adult relationship and qualities from a kid who is still growing. I was attracted to him initially for the innocence, romance and kindness and later sex, but it has turned sour. Yeah he looks like a man and can have sex and pretend he is a man, but he really just isn’t. Truly, how can I ask or ever expect anything of him? He is still growing and determining what he wants! He doesn’t know what the fuck he wants. He just knows he wants it to be fun. He just has some 2 year promise to a girl who is 16.. 16 years old.
It’s one thing to have a LDR and it be difficult, but know where it’s going and feel solid about it and work together for a common goal, its another to both be unsure about one another and try to have one. I can’t be sure with him, because he isn’t sure. I need to get where I feel sure with myself again and lean on the one and only that I ever have. God and myself. I am going through a tough time right now with my own personal shit and need to figure my own shit out, once again I am in THAT place. I feel I may forever be here. Another thing I have noticed is I am making the same mistakes with this one that I made with the other one. Him feeling guilty for things he has not even done due to my many insinuating questions and statements. Him feeling he cant do anything to make me happy..etc.
Then there is the game we play together..once again throwing us and our relationship into situations we would not yet encounter in real life until much later on.
So much can happen in one month. Gone are the 16 texts per day,
calls in the morning just because, calls to say I love you just because, strong undeniable desire to come to CA and see me at ANY cost, late night conversations about absolutely everything and nothing… /sigh.
I am constantly surprised by the amount of things that can occur in such a short period of time, particularly the nature of the men I choose’s feelings. They fucking come and go and are completely unreliable. Oh you ‘love’ me? That’s a nice feeling. Oh your mad at me? That’s a sucky feeling. Oh you feel depressed that’s a sucky feeling. Oh your excited! Great that’s a nice feeling. Oh your feeling horny? That’s a nice feeling…oh your feeling abandoned? That’s a sucky feeling. Oh you feel like I don’t love you anymore? That sucks.. oh you are feeling complete and happy? That’s a great feeling. All in all, they are just that..feelings.
Someone once told me true love isn’t a feeling, it’s a verb. It’s an action. It’s doing. Sometimes even when you aren’t feeling it, its doing for someone even when you aren’t “feeling” it (love or loving). I don’t know if that’s the case with me or with the people I choose. I think the last 2 guys have been highly feelings guys seemingly sensitive, but are overall pleaser types, which makes them selfish because they are not pleasing from a healthy giving place, they are pleasing so they can feel better about themselves and get what they want place. (See people pleasing link here)
And me? Well I I think I am def not like other women, this is to my detriment as well as my blessing. Women everywhere seem to get married and have kids and work menial jobs and laugh and seem happy consistently. Me? I can’t keep a man or a job or a laugh going for very long it seems. But unlike most, I’m not in denial of my choices or my life, instead I am acutely aware of my fucking failures and shortcomings. I have little to no coping skills and probably should see a therapist at this point. For today, I am going to go out and do my own thing, off the computer and one with nature. I am going to reconnect with myself and focus on that.
Other interesting tidbits I read today..
10 profiles of people who relate in harmful ways
A profile is a brief description of someone or something.
1. The People Pleaser –a person who constantly seeks the approval of others. A people pleaser will do almost anything to be liked including harmful behaviors such as smoking/drinking or engaging in sexual activities. The people pleaser sabotages their chances to have healthful relationship by not demanding respect from others.
A people pleaser
A. knows how to receive acts of kindness from others.
B. is comfortable accepting gifts of time or support from other.
C. learns to rely on other to meet his/her needs
D. is often too insecure to demand respect.
Enabler
2. The Enabler- a person who supports the harmful behaviors of others. The enabler may contribute to other persons harmful behavior by overlooking it and covering up for the other person. The enabler sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships when they don’t expect others to behave in responsible ways.
Clinger
3. The clinger- a person who is needy and dependent. The clinger feels empty inside and constantly turns to others to feel better. No amount of attention can keep the clinger fulfilled and the clinger can be demanding of others. The clinger sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not giving other people space.
Fixer
4. The fixer- a person who tries to fix other peoples problems. The fixers quick to give advice and identify possible solutions. By fixing other peoples problem the fixer avoid their own feeling and problems. The fixer sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships because healthy people don’t want others to solve their problems and take over a situation.
Distancer
5. The distancer- a person who is emotionally unavailable to others. The distancer may have been hurt in the past and keeps others from getting too close so they won’t get hurt again. The distancer sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not risking emotional involvement.
Controller
6. The controller- person who is possessive, jealous, and domineering. The controller seeks power and may tell others what to do. The controller may monopolize a boyfriend or girlfriends time. The controller sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not respecting interests or opinions of others. And people may be fearful of a controller.
Center
7. The center- a person who is self centered. The center will do most of the talking and not show much interest in what you have to say. The center wants to do what they want and isn't concerned what others want or how they feel. The center sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by being so focused on being the center of attention that the needs of others are ignored.
Abuser
8. The abuser- a person who is abusive. The abuser may constantly put down others, threaten, begin fights, act violently and force someone to have sex. The abuser may follow acts of abuse with gentleness but the abuse usually returns. An abuser sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by threatening and harming others.
Liar
9. The liar- a person who doesn’t tell the truth. The liar may lie to make himself look good, to impress or to manipulate others. Their relationships are based on lies and may be very shallow. They lack connection or commitment cause of the liars actions. The liar sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by lying to others to get the response they want
Promise Breaker
10. The promise breaker- a person who is not reliable. Will make plans with another person and be a “no show”. May agree to change annoying behavior but doesn’t do it. The promise breaker sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not keeping his or her word causing others to doubt their sincerity and commitment.
Involvement in Harmful Relationship
People who are involved in Harmful Relationship
• Promise breaker and a people pleaser.
• A controller and an enabler.
• A clinger and a distancer.
• An a person that try to changing one’s profile to fit different relationship.
How Harmful relationships affect Health status
It Affect Mental-Emotional Health
Anxiety and stress
Feeling of guilt and/or rejection
Lack of self-confidence
Negative self-esteem
Physical health
Family-social health
headaches
lack of nurturing,
supportive connections
stomachaches
failure to develop appropriate social skills
sleeplessness
injuries from abuse
A people pleaser may accommodate to the promise breaker’s behavior. A controller is more likely to be with an enabler. You definitely should end a harmful relationship when the other person threatens your health or safety.
Some ways to deal with harmful relationships include
A identifying changes in behavior that must occur
B having a discussion with the other person in which you identify your feelings, concerns and expectations
C recognizing when you must end harmful relationships rather than work to change it
D all the above
Principles of Constructive Conflict:
1) More vs. less information
Conflict is viewed as an opportunity to talk out the dilemma. Whereas, in bad relationships, one partner withdraws from the
conversation or withholds verbal input.
2) Flexible vs. rigid
In good relationships, both individuals approach the problems as a compromise. The individuals focus on problem solving, and the
maintenance of the relationship is placed above individuals desires, rather than looking at conflict as a win/lose situation.
3) Trust vs. mistrust
During the conflict there is open disclosure and you trust the other individual with your personal disclosures.
4) Friendly vs. hostile persuasion
Threats should never be used in conflict.Instead, when necessary, try to gently persuade the other individual to your point of
view.
5) Responsibility vs. blame
In constructive conflict, the speaker takes responsibility for his/her feelings, thoughts, and behaviours, rather than placing blame on
others.
6) Contained vs. spreading boundaries
The current argument should never drift to previous problems, focus only on the current problem at hand.
7) Resolution vs. repetition
In constructive conflict, the conflicts are resolved and both individuals attempt to learn from the experience to prevent similar
arguments in the future.
Interesting shit.. damn, I love to read, dont I? I should fuckin study psychology. :P
It’s one thing to have a LDR and it be difficult, but know where it’s going and feel solid about it and work together for a common goal, its another to both be unsure about one another and try to have one. I can’t be sure with him, because he isn’t sure. I need to get where I feel sure with myself again and lean on the one and only that I ever have. God and myself. I am going through a tough time right now with my own personal shit and need to figure my own shit out, once again I am in THAT place. I feel I may forever be here. Another thing I have noticed is I am making the same mistakes with this one that I made with the other one. Him feeling guilty for things he has not even done due to my many insinuating questions and statements. Him feeling he cant do anything to make me happy..etc.
Then there is the game we play together..once again throwing us and our relationship into situations we would not yet encounter in real life until much later on.
So much can happen in one month. Gone are the 16 texts per day,
calls in the morning just because, calls to say I love you just because, strong undeniable desire to come to CA and see me at ANY cost, late night conversations about absolutely everything and nothing… /sigh.
I am constantly surprised by the amount of things that can occur in such a short period of time, particularly the nature of the men I choose’s feelings. They fucking come and go and are completely unreliable. Oh you ‘love’ me? That’s a nice feeling. Oh your mad at me? That’s a sucky feeling. Oh you feel depressed that’s a sucky feeling. Oh your excited! Great that’s a nice feeling. Oh your feeling horny? That’s a nice feeling…oh your feeling abandoned? That’s a sucky feeling. Oh you feel like I don’t love you anymore? That sucks.. oh you are feeling complete and happy? That’s a great feeling. All in all, they are just that..feelings.
Someone once told me true love isn’t a feeling, it’s a verb. It’s an action. It’s doing. Sometimes even when you aren’t feeling it, its doing for someone even when you aren’t “feeling” it (love or loving). I don’t know if that’s the case with me or with the people I choose. I think the last 2 guys have been highly feelings guys seemingly sensitive, but are overall pleaser types, which makes them selfish because they are not pleasing from a healthy giving place, they are pleasing so they can feel better about themselves and get what they want place. (See people pleasing link here)
And me? Well I I think I am def not like other women, this is to my detriment as well as my blessing. Women everywhere seem to get married and have kids and work menial jobs and laugh and seem happy consistently. Me? I can’t keep a man or a job or a laugh going for very long it seems. But unlike most, I’m not in denial of my choices or my life, instead I am acutely aware of my fucking failures and shortcomings. I have little to no coping skills and probably should see a therapist at this point. For today, I am going to go out and do my own thing, off the computer and one with nature. I am going to reconnect with myself and focus on that.
Other interesting tidbits I read today..
10 profiles of people who relate in harmful ways
A profile is a brief description of someone or something.
1. The People Pleaser –a person who constantly seeks the approval of others. A people pleaser will do almost anything to be liked including harmful behaviors such as smoking/drinking or engaging in sexual activities. The people pleaser sabotages their chances to have healthful relationship by not demanding respect from others.
A people pleaser
A. knows how to receive acts of kindness from others.
B. is comfortable accepting gifts of time or support from other.
C. learns to rely on other to meet his/her needs
D. is often too insecure to demand respect.
Enabler
2. The Enabler- a person who supports the harmful behaviors of others. The enabler may contribute to other persons harmful behavior by overlooking it and covering up for the other person. The enabler sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships when they don’t expect others to behave in responsible ways.
Clinger
3. The clinger- a person who is needy and dependent. The clinger feels empty inside and constantly turns to others to feel better. No amount of attention can keep the clinger fulfilled and the clinger can be demanding of others. The clinger sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not giving other people space.
Fixer
4. The fixer- a person who tries to fix other peoples problems. The fixers quick to give advice and identify possible solutions. By fixing other peoples problem the fixer avoid their own feeling and problems. The fixer sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships because healthy people don’t want others to solve their problems and take over a situation.
Distancer
5. The distancer- a person who is emotionally unavailable to others. The distancer may have been hurt in the past and keeps others from getting too close so they won’t get hurt again. The distancer sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not risking emotional involvement.
Controller
6. The controller- person who is possessive, jealous, and domineering. The controller seeks power and may tell others what to do. The controller may monopolize a boyfriend or girlfriends time. The controller sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not respecting interests or opinions of others. And people may be fearful of a controller.
Center
7. The center- a person who is self centered. The center will do most of the talking and not show much interest in what you have to say. The center wants to do what they want and isn't concerned what others want or how they feel. The center sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by being so focused on being the center of attention that the needs of others are ignored.
Abuser
8. The abuser- a person who is abusive. The abuser may constantly put down others, threaten, begin fights, act violently and force someone to have sex. The abuser may follow acts of abuse with gentleness but the abuse usually returns. An abuser sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by threatening and harming others.
Liar
9. The liar- a person who doesn’t tell the truth. The liar may lie to make himself look good, to impress or to manipulate others. Their relationships are based on lies and may be very shallow. They lack connection or commitment cause of the liars actions. The liar sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by lying to others to get the response they want
Promise Breaker
10. The promise breaker- a person who is not reliable. Will make plans with another person and be a “no show”. May agree to change annoying behavior but doesn’t do it. The promise breaker sabotages the chance to have healthful relationships by not keeping his or her word causing others to doubt their sincerity and commitment.
Involvement in Harmful Relationship
People who are involved in Harmful Relationship
• Promise breaker and a people pleaser.
• A controller and an enabler.
• A clinger and a distancer.
• An a person that try to changing one’s profile to fit different relationship.
How Harmful relationships affect Health status
It Affect Mental-Emotional Health
Anxiety and stress
Feeling of guilt and/or rejection
Lack of self-confidence
Negative self-esteem
Physical health
Family-social health
headaches
lack of nurturing,
supportive connections
stomachaches
failure to develop appropriate social skills
sleeplessness
injuries from abuse
A people pleaser may accommodate to the promise breaker’s behavior. A controller is more likely to be with an enabler. You definitely should end a harmful relationship when the other person threatens your health or safety.
Some ways to deal with harmful relationships include
A identifying changes in behavior that must occur
B having a discussion with the other person in which you identify your feelings, concerns and expectations
C recognizing when you must end harmful relationships rather than work to change it
D all the above
Principles of Constructive Conflict:
1) More vs. less information
Conflict is viewed as an opportunity to talk out the dilemma. Whereas, in bad relationships, one partner withdraws from the
conversation or withholds verbal input.
2) Flexible vs. rigid
In good relationships, both individuals approach the problems as a compromise. The individuals focus on problem solving, and the
maintenance of the relationship is placed above individuals desires, rather than looking at conflict as a win/lose situation.
3) Trust vs. mistrust
During the conflict there is open disclosure and you trust the other individual with your personal disclosures.
4) Friendly vs. hostile persuasion
Threats should never be used in conflict.Instead, when necessary, try to gently persuade the other individual to your point of
view.
5) Responsibility vs. blame
In constructive conflict, the speaker takes responsibility for his/her feelings, thoughts, and behaviours, rather than placing blame on
others.
6) Contained vs. spreading boundaries
The current argument should never drift to previous problems, focus only on the current problem at hand.
7) Resolution vs. repetition
In constructive conflict, the conflicts are resolved and both individuals attempt to learn from the experience to prevent similar
arguments in the future.
Interesting shit.. damn, I love to read, dont I? I should fuckin study psychology. :P
Monday, May 4, 2009
Monday thoughts
Sad today but the girls gonna be alright. I still haven’t heard from him since yesterday. He has not tried to call or talk it out. We all know I am no pro at that myself. There is a chance he doesn’t want to or want to be with me anymore. I am going to try to just give him time to figure things out for himself and what he wants.
We didn’t officially break up, I just don’t know what’s going and when I don’t know whats up… I figure its probably over. For me, it’s always over, except when its good and great and nice which it seemed it was.
I realized yesterday I still have issues with sticking stuff out, talking things out, feeling sexually degraded by men and of course, abandonment. I am much better now than I ever was but those feelings are still there because I am still who I am. Though granted, I am 100 times less needy than before however, partially because these days it just doesn’t matter to me as much any more when someone leaves me or doesn’t want me and partially because I trust people until they show they can’t be trusted. For me, in reality, there is always someone else.. there is always something else…somewhere else..
Last night Che asked me what could possibly come out of us? Me move to RI? Him move to CA? I mean at some point it will have to be either or if we are to be together? Realistically whats the deal? I told Che that I totally would move for him/for anyone if things were great and we had a good healthy relationship and I was happy in it and I think he would do the same. Though it would be better for him here than me there.. career wise.
Career. That’s something I seriously need to focus on, that, and God. What the hell do I want to do with my life? Love aint everything and for some reason, with me, it doesn’t last long either (the relationships that is), so it isn’t very reliable to hang my hat on..
Still no contact from him..well, I guess I have to let go at some point.
We didn’t officially break up, I just don’t know what’s going and when I don’t know whats up… I figure its probably over. For me, it’s always over, except when its good and great and nice which it seemed it was.
I realized yesterday I still have issues with sticking stuff out, talking things out, feeling sexually degraded by men and of course, abandonment. I am much better now than I ever was but those feelings are still there because I am still who I am. Though granted, I am 100 times less needy than before however, partially because these days it just doesn’t matter to me as much any more when someone leaves me or doesn’t want me and partially because I trust people until they show they can’t be trusted. For me, in reality, there is always someone else.. there is always something else…somewhere else..
Last night Che asked me what could possibly come out of us? Me move to RI? Him move to CA? I mean at some point it will have to be either or if we are to be together? Realistically whats the deal? I told Che that I totally would move for him/for anyone if things were great and we had a good healthy relationship and I was happy in it and I think he would do the same. Though it would be better for him here than me there.. career wise.
Career. That’s something I seriously need to focus on, that, and God. What the hell do I want to do with my life? Love aint everything and for some reason, with me, it doesn’t last long either (the relationships that is), so it isn’t very reliable to hang my hat on..
Still no contact from him..well, I guess I have to let go at some point.
Yes, its so romantic but where
to son? I talked to Che tonight about earlier today and I was able to get a lot off my chest. Che is cool to talk to.
I did realize something from talking to Che that I think I did not want to see before. I have no idea what the outcome of this situation will be. I mean really if I am gonna have a relationship, whats the plan? or the plan b?
Che mentioned in humble opinion, that we aren't realistic and feels sorry that I haven't found a guy in CA to be with me the way Adam is. Che thinks its a great idea for us to remain friends..and thinks I deserve to be more than someones virtual gf. As things get more real for Adam and I - serious frustrations will occur because of the distance... Che is a smarty..
I did realize something from talking to Che that I think I did not want to see before. I have no idea what the outcome of this situation will be. I mean really if I am gonna have a relationship, whats the plan? or the plan b?
Che mentioned in humble opinion, that we aren't realistic and feels sorry that I haven't found a guy in CA to be with me the way Adam is. Che thinks its a great idea for us to remain friends..and thinks I deserve to be more than someones virtual gf. As things get more real for Adam and I - serious frustrations will occur because of the distance... Che is a smarty..
Sunday, May 3, 2009
SOuth
South for the winter, south of the border, south...on your way to HELL!
So things seem to be going South after our little tryst and we are having issues or rather I am because I am not happy right now. Yet there I was last night tellin karin how much I love and care and how things are so freaking cute between us. Maybe they are but obviously not some times. Its those some times that are so freaking ugh to me because they are noticeable flaws... noticeable imperfections. I am also imperfect and no one can meet my needs all the time. Should I say "hi im calling you before you say anything perverted, just know that I want you to approve and enjoy the way I look today not ask me to spread my legs so you can see my thong".. ugh.
There are little noticeable spats..and its such a bummer. Grrr.
So things seem to be going South after our little tryst and we are having issues or rather I am because I am not happy right now. Yet there I was last night tellin karin how much I love and care and how things are so freaking cute between us. Maybe they are but obviously not some times. Its those some times that are so freaking ugh to me because they are noticeable flaws... noticeable imperfections. I am also imperfect and no one can meet my needs all the time. Should I say "hi im calling you before you say anything perverted, just know that I want you to approve and enjoy the way I look today not ask me to spread my legs so you can see my thong".. ugh.
There are little noticeable spats..and its such a bummer. Grrr.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
thoughts and a great article on how to get over someone
Dear Blog,
Well, last night I talked to Adam and he was very kind and sweet as I was feeling totally terrible yesterday. I tried to express to him as well as I could that I want to be with him, that I thought I might have made a mistake judging him and making the call to stop talking and that I do want to talk to him and have things be like they were, and this morning realized they can't be. They can be good, they can even be great but truthfully but they will be different and never as before. I cannot have the expectation that he will go back to being who he was when he felt "infatuated". New feelings and us getting to know one another have replaced that, like they do and will continue to do so. Apparently this is how friendships and relationship "grow" and "change".
I finally took my clothes OUTOFTHE DRYER! Yay! I am feeling much better today than yesterday. I was going totally psycho and off the deep end. I am glad this does not happen weekly anymore as it did when I was younger and I think a large portion of this crazy week was my emotions going out of whack because of my monthly visitor. Ugh! Hated it!
Luckily my visitor lasts only 3 days and its already gone, and I am back to my more cheerful, more driven, more focused, slightly more positive self. :D I also recently realized I am a pessimist. :P I made some special pasta for Gloria's shower today and I got her a nice card. I also chipped in my last $40 to get her a nice gift. She also actually invited me to her "real" baby shower. Similar to LaToya. No one else in the company is invited. Geez, I hope this never changes. I can't help wondering did they both invite me to their real baby showers because they really like me or just because I am new at the company? My mind leans toward the first thought. They really like me, awww! I will write more later if I can.
love,
me
Feeling Hurt From Dating
Did you just go out on a date and wonder how it went? Are you staying up all night wondering if he/she feels the same way you do? Are you afraid of approaching the person you like? Pretty much everyone has been in this situation at one time or another. Here’s why: The root of all pain like this comes from your imagination and an uncertainty about what to do.
Dating The Fantasy
When you like a person, you constantly think about them. You imagine yourself in a fantasy, where you go places and do things together. Your lives together are perfect. He/she is romantic, loving, kind, and does exactly what you want when you want it. The only problem is, this person doesn’t actually exist. He/she is a projection of your idealized version of the person you like. What happens when he/she does something different from how you’d imagined? You start to lose a piece of your fantasy. You’ll either feel hurt that he/she isn’t doing what you want “anymore”, and perhaps try to change that person (which will not be well received). So, to start off, try to not imagine what it’d be like, or how good it would be. This is where an intuitive mind trying to analyze tons of possibilities becomes extremely harmful. Date the real person, not the fantasy.
The other thing that happens when you think about your future together too much is that you are analyzing too deeply down one branch of the possibility tree. Other parts of your life start to shrink because all your thoughts are focused on how good it would be together. You think about having kids, raising a family, sharing lots of romantic adventures together. However, these things are way in the future. That will only happen IF he/she likes you, IF you continue to like him/her, IF you decide to have a baby, etc. There are just so many things that can change that particular possibility. So then, what happens when you break up? All your planning has been focused on the two of you being together, so when the unexpected happens, you have no alternate plan! This is when people sit at home crying, blaming the other person for not fulfilling their dreams.
Knowing Yourself
This is why you need a backup plan. What would you do if you broke up? What would you do if he/she died? This does NOT mean that you should maintain relationships with other people “in case you broke up”. That would be a horrible breach of trust. I’m talking about what you would do if you were completely alone. Say there were no people in the world, what would you do? Now say there were 2 people in the world, what would you do? Then add various #s of people and plan out what you would do. This will allow you to understand what you want better and know what to do in most of the common situations. You’ll probably still feel a bit hurt, but it won’t be the end of the world because you’ll have a life outside of the relationship. You won’t feel the “my life is coming to an end” type of pain.
Aren’t those situations of you being alone completely unlikely though? No! Not at all. Even if there are people around, you can still be alone. In fact, outside of very involved relationships, you are alone most of the time. Whenever you are focusing on yourself and don’t notice other people, it’s the same as if you were alone. Knowing what you’d do in this situation really helps you out in figuring out what you want. You have to learn to like yourself in this state because then, any kind of relationship breakup wouldn’t be so bad. Sure, you’ll feel a loss, but you’ll still have something pretty great to return to.
Key To a Healthy Relationship With Them
That is the key to a healthy relationship actually, since even in a relationship, you’ll be alone some portion of the time. A relationship is just an extension of the economic model. You have something he/she wants, and he/she has something you want (sex, companionship, etc.) As a result, the both of you benefit each other. Over time, as the two of you trade more and more, you realize that it’ll be more efficient if you just stayed together. That’s how it is in a healthy relationship. When you don’t really know yourself and don’t have much to offer in your relationship, that’s when you become “desparate”. It’s also when the other person feel this exceeding neediness from you, which leads the the suspicion that you have much less to offer than what you’ll be getting. If that is the case, then of course the relationship would feel like the center of the world to you, as you are deriving most of your identity from your partner. It would also explain why you would feel very hurt and angry when your partner leaves, since he/she took away all that stuff you were getting.
On the other hand, if you had a strong identity outside of the relationship, then you would simply return to the happy state you were in before you made the trades. You tried a particular trade and it didn’t work out. Now you’re left with what you started with, but with more experience. Do you realize that means you’re better off than you were before you entered the relationship? Life is series of ups and downs. You’re now standing at a point higher than you were at before the relationship (and either higher or lower than when you were in the relationship depending on how you look at it).
Just stop thinking about it and start doing the things you love. The worst case scenario? You’ll never get into a relationship again and do the things you love until you die. Just be okay with that possibility. Think about it, isn’t that a great thing? Now, if a relationship happens to come along which will make you happier - Okee dokie! Sounds good to me.
A lot of pain comes as a result of not knowing yourself and what you want. That’s because not knowing creates a lot of uncertainity in situations, which paralyzes you. For example, let’s say you just had a date and you sit around wondering when the other person would call. Days pass and no call; you become worried, not knowing where you’re at. That’s a common situation that causes many people a lot of distress. The truth is, it’s very easy to deal with when you’ve planned out all the possibilities. You can say something like, if I don’t get a call within a few days, I’ll call him/her back, then don’t think about it anymore. Is thinking about it going to make the other person more likely to call? Not even a little, so why waste time thinking about something you can’t change? Just do what you’ve always been doing before and after them-living a happy life.
The old cliche advice really is the way to go. "Know what you love to do, do it, and you’ll meet people along the way."
Well, last night I talked to Adam and he was very kind and sweet as I was feeling totally terrible yesterday. I tried to express to him as well as I could that I want to be with him, that I thought I might have made a mistake judging him and making the call to stop talking and that I do want to talk to him and have things be like they were, and this morning realized they can't be. They can be good, they can even be great but truthfully but they will be different and never as before. I cannot have the expectation that he will go back to being who he was when he felt "infatuated". New feelings and us getting to know one another have replaced that, like they do and will continue to do so. Apparently this is how friendships and relationship "grow" and "change".
I finally took my clothes OUTOFTHE DRYER! Yay! I am feeling much better today than yesterday. I was going totally psycho and off the deep end. I am glad this does not happen weekly anymore as it did when I was younger and I think a large portion of this crazy week was my emotions going out of whack because of my monthly visitor. Ugh! Hated it!
Luckily my visitor lasts only 3 days and its already gone, and I am back to my more cheerful, more driven, more focused, slightly more positive self. :D I also recently realized I am a pessimist. :P I made some special pasta for Gloria's shower today and I got her a nice card. I also chipped in my last $40 to get her a nice gift. She also actually invited me to her "real" baby shower. Similar to LaToya. No one else in the company is invited. Geez, I hope this never changes. I can't help wondering did they both invite me to their real baby showers because they really like me or just because I am new at the company? My mind leans toward the first thought. They really like me, awww! I will write more later if I can.
love,
me
Feeling Hurt From Dating
Did you just go out on a date and wonder how it went? Are you staying up all night wondering if he/she feels the same way you do? Are you afraid of approaching the person you like? Pretty much everyone has been in this situation at one time or another. Here’s why: The root of all pain like this comes from your imagination and an uncertainty about what to do.
Dating The Fantasy
When you like a person, you constantly think about them. You imagine yourself in a fantasy, where you go places and do things together. Your lives together are perfect. He/she is romantic, loving, kind, and does exactly what you want when you want it. The only problem is, this person doesn’t actually exist. He/she is a projection of your idealized version of the person you like. What happens when he/she does something different from how you’d imagined? You start to lose a piece of your fantasy. You’ll either feel hurt that he/she isn’t doing what you want “anymore”, and perhaps try to change that person (which will not be well received). So, to start off, try to not imagine what it’d be like, or how good it would be. This is where an intuitive mind trying to analyze tons of possibilities becomes extremely harmful. Date the real person, not the fantasy.
The other thing that happens when you think about your future together too much is that you are analyzing too deeply down one branch of the possibility tree. Other parts of your life start to shrink because all your thoughts are focused on how good it would be together. You think about having kids, raising a family, sharing lots of romantic adventures together. However, these things are way in the future. That will only happen IF he/she likes you, IF you continue to like him/her, IF you decide to have a baby, etc. There are just so many things that can change that particular possibility. So then, what happens when you break up? All your planning has been focused on the two of you being together, so when the unexpected happens, you have no alternate plan! This is when people sit at home crying, blaming the other person for not fulfilling their dreams.
Knowing Yourself
This is why you need a backup plan. What would you do if you broke up? What would you do if he/she died? This does NOT mean that you should maintain relationships with other people “in case you broke up”. That would be a horrible breach of trust. I’m talking about what you would do if you were completely alone. Say there were no people in the world, what would you do? Now say there were 2 people in the world, what would you do? Then add various #s of people and plan out what you would do. This will allow you to understand what you want better and know what to do in most of the common situations. You’ll probably still feel a bit hurt, but it won’t be the end of the world because you’ll have a life outside of the relationship. You won’t feel the “my life is coming to an end” type of pain.
Aren’t those situations of you being alone completely unlikely though? No! Not at all. Even if there are people around, you can still be alone. In fact, outside of very involved relationships, you are alone most of the time. Whenever you are focusing on yourself and don’t notice other people, it’s the same as if you were alone. Knowing what you’d do in this situation really helps you out in figuring out what you want. You have to learn to like yourself in this state because then, any kind of relationship breakup wouldn’t be so bad. Sure, you’ll feel a loss, but you’ll still have something pretty great to return to.
Key To a Healthy Relationship With Them
That is the key to a healthy relationship actually, since even in a relationship, you’ll be alone some portion of the time. A relationship is just an extension of the economic model. You have something he/she wants, and he/she has something you want (sex, companionship, etc.) As a result, the both of you benefit each other. Over time, as the two of you trade more and more, you realize that it’ll be more efficient if you just stayed together. That’s how it is in a healthy relationship. When you don’t really know yourself and don’t have much to offer in your relationship, that’s when you become “desparate”. It’s also when the other person feel this exceeding neediness from you, which leads the the suspicion that you have much less to offer than what you’ll be getting. If that is the case, then of course the relationship would feel like the center of the world to you, as you are deriving most of your identity from your partner. It would also explain why you would feel very hurt and angry when your partner leaves, since he/she took away all that stuff you were getting.
On the other hand, if you had a strong identity outside of the relationship, then you would simply return to the happy state you were in before you made the trades. You tried a particular trade and it didn’t work out. Now you’re left with what you started with, but with more experience. Do you realize that means you’re better off than you were before you entered the relationship? Life is series of ups and downs. You’re now standing at a point higher than you were at before the relationship (and either higher or lower than when you were in the relationship depending on how you look at it).
Just stop thinking about it and start doing the things you love. The worst case scenario? You’ll never get into a relationship again and do the things you love until you die. Just be okay with that possibility. Think about it, isn’t that a great thing? Now, if a relationship happens to come along which will make you happier - Okee dokie! Sounds good to me.
A lot of pain comes as a result of not knowing yourself and what you want. That’s because not knowing creates a lot of uncertainity in situations, which paralyzes you. For example, let’s say you just had a date and you sit around wondering when the other person would call. Days pass and no call; you become worried, not knowing where you’re at. That’s a common situation that causes many people a lot of distress. The truth is, it’s very easy to deal with when you’ve planned out all the possibilities. You can say something like, if I don’t get a call within a few days, I’ll call him/her back, then don’t think about it anymore. Is thinking about it going to make the other person more likely to call? Not even a little, so why waste time thinking about something you can’t change? Just do what you’ve always been doing before and after them-living a happy life.
The old cliche advice really is the way to go. "Know what you love to do, do it, and you’ll meet people along the way."
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
ANGRY...
Whoa what is going on with me right now? I have to leave this guy alone and not talk to him! He is fine and happy with the way things are. He hasn't contacted me or been remotely similar to how he was. I need to let go hard. I am having trouble with that. Time to get my break up book back from Dihanna and apply that shit to this situation. Damn, on top of everthing, I am UBER pissed off.
The infatuation is fuckin gone and all I am left with all these shitty feelings and desire to reclaim what we had. GRRR I am not going to repeat this shit again. Another liar. Another drifting feelings creep. UGh... nevermind. I jsut need time, this part is going to suck,.. inevitably this part sucks dirty rotten a$$. :(
The infatuation is fuckin gone and all I am left with all these shitty feelings and desire to reclaim what we had. GRRR I am not going to repeat this shit again. Another liar. Another drifting feelings creep. UGh... nevermind. I jsut need time, this part is going to suck,.. inevitably this part sucks dirty rotten a$$. :(
why does no contact in a breakoff always mean contact from them?
I MISS DANIEL TODAY. WHY?! I didnt even know him that well! I mean really whats there to miss? Just the habit of having had him, him calling me and just talking to him, knowing he cared. That is what i miss. I am feeling lonely. i dont really need to. I am fine, right?
I need to find someone new to obsess over. I dont know why I do that. I totally idealize someone and then they just are jerks to me and break my heart in the end. Last night I felt completely starved for attention. It/I was so sad. I mean I got on stickam and met some friends..but it was lonely. i guess i better settle into "lonely" for awhile.
Spring break in other news! I am totally psyched! No school! Every night! what do I want to do with my time eh? Who, what, where?
I need to find someone new to obsess over. I dont know why I do that. I totally idealize someone and then they just are jerks to me and break my heart in the end. Last night I felt completely starved for attention. It/I was so sad. I mean I got on stickam and met some friends..but it was lonely. i guess i better settle into "lonely" for awhile.
Spring break in other news! I am totally psyched! No school! Every night! what do I want to do with my time eh? Who, what, where?
Monday, April 6, 2009
Yay!
So my birthday present to myself is very nice indeed. Tomorrow is my next midterm. I am trying for a A. I got a 4 point shy of an A in History and the 2nd highest grade IN THE CLASS! :) Not bad. The sacrifice was worth it, and with Daniel there, boy was it fun.
Its sad it had to end with him. =( but ce la vie. He was beginning to show signs of true too scary stuff...that I am all to familiar with and just want no part of anymore.
Ah, I feel so great right now! Well, my surrogate mom said she is proud of me and to keep going! Totally motivating me, she thinks I should try out for that extra credit in my class and go for it! She says I can do it, I can do anything, and I believe her.
I am gonna go see if I can get those movies to watch for review. Anyone want to watch boring History movies with me? Give me a shout!
/muah
Its sad it had to end with him. =( but ce la vie. He was beginning to show signs of true too scary stuff...that I am all to familiar with and just want no part of anymore.
Ah, I feel so great right now! Well, my surrogate mom said she is proud of me and to keep going! Totally motivating me, she thinks I should try out for that extra credit in my class and go for it! She says I can do it, I can do anything, and I believe her.
I am gonna go see if I can get those movies to watch for review. Anyone want to watch boring History movies with me? Give me a shout!
/muah
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Infatuation
Ah infatuation so so good yet so so so blinding. I am finally aware of myself once more and beginning to see the red flags that I probably should have taken account of in my last relationships. I cannot let this new boy distract me from what needs to be focused on. It was nice to have someone again who asks me about me, wants me, and wants to be around me much of the time, texts me and pay attention to what I say, but not one that disrespects me by raising his voice or behaves selfishly, there are no more third and fourth chances with this me. I have learned this the hard way...over many many years...the very hard..way. Ya heard, nigga?
It is time to tread lightly and not throw out the baby with the bathwater. I do not need to repeat old patterns. I can change my future NOW. I see a familiar movie playing and I can walk out of the theatre instead, ya feel me?
Mid terms are tough as nails but I am not giving up! My job is proving difficult with exceedingly more visual basic work.. by the day..
I am starting to play another MMORPG. I like it. Its beautiful and challenging. I have little to no time so its good its free. In other news, I am performing on stage for gospel choir in 7 days.. I am totally psyched and scared at the same time!
Chad and some other exes are coming to visit this summer. Chad. Hmm..more on how I once felt about Chad..here .
Car is still running like new. Surrogate family and I checked the battery today. I am loving where I live and school is...well I am going to have to work real hard to keep a 4.0 this semester, but hey, I am up to the challenge! I can do anything I put my mind to. Here I am giving D advice about her guy..
It is time to tread lightly and not throw out the baby with the bathwater. I do not need to repeat old patterns. I can change my future NOW. I see a familiar movie playing and I can walk out of the theatre instead, ya feel me?
Mid terms are tough as nails but I am not giving up! My job is proving difficult with exceedingly more visual basic work.. by the day..
I am starting to play another MMORPG. I like it. Its beautiful and challenging. I have little to no time so its good its free. In other news, I am performing on stage for gospel choir in 7 days.. I am totally psyched and scared at the same time!
Chad and some other exes are coming to visit this summer. Chad. Hmm..more on how I once felt about Chad..here .
Car is still running like new. Surrogate family and I checked the battery today. I am loving where I live and school is...well I am going to have to work real hard to keep a 4.0 this semester, but hey, I am up to the challenge! I can do anything I put my mind to. Here I am giving D advice about her guy..
Monday, March 9, 2009
Quick thoughts
I am in school working and very busy these days so I am just gonna jot down a bunch of random things and stream of consciousness writing.
I have met someone, again. Who-da thunk? He is soo hot and sweet and cute and just says such nice things. I am in school and got my first 8 in history for the 15 point quiz GRRR that means a C right now?? I will have to work harder this semester. My surrogate family says no boyfriend right now as I need my focus on school and God. This is true, I am sure. He is also in school so he needs to focus too so he can make awesome video games apparently. :)
I look shining. I am glowing. I got that once familiar high that one gets when they are feeling totally in love and have that on drugs called Daniel and connected to the person. Dopamine, nice to have you back my friend!
See that little 17 up there? Yeah, that's in HOURS muthatrucka!
Friday, March 6, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Ugh that guy again..
Driving past his house. Ugh thoughts, memories. Most bad some good. I know everything happens for a reason...sometimes it just takes something spectacular to realize the reasons for things.I read through a blog from back in the day that spoke of me still having a desire to get back together with Chris. It is interesting because when we broke up I held onto the idea that we would eventually get back together someday. I no longer want this. I pray for him to be happy and now I am slowly forgetting him - little by little. I've realized that I can't put myself in that kind of relationship ever again. I was incredibly unfair and horrible to myself by staying with him and more so for believing in him and getting back together with him time and again. I deserve(d) someone who has the ability to reciprocate feelings I have/had and the kind of love I showed. Dancing to "you've had your chance so say goodbye....say goodbye." I have started focusing on me and other boys again. I take the time to relax mentally and push myself hard physically. It is time for me to be the selfish one for a change. Started school, new cam, new job, new car, new music, new home life, new activities, new friends, new boyfriends, new goals every Feb baby like clockwork. What was going on last Feb hmm? and then an IM today "oh how are you?" (now that the other chick i left you for didn't actually want me.) "Been good about not contacting you" lol.. well stay that way nigga no time for the old ones who only wanted me when no one else is/was around...prayers for the last 2 months to come and in other news.. look who's rightly having a baby! Awww. More lata, I have TOO much studying to do.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Surprised but shouldnt be
I am surprised at Chris''s new insulting actions, but then again not that surprised because look at his actions previously and you can clearly see his future actions.
I am utterly and completely disgusted by him right now. I cannot believe I ever put myself in such a dire situation and allowed someone free reign to walk over me in such a callous and selfish way. This guy has done so many terrible things to me and continues to try to hurt me any small chance he has. Every time I even think of him it is a small step backward, not to mention answering his call or IM..
He has already moved on, is prob fucking someone else, in a relationship, and yet still has the nerve to even read my website or look at my name. Statute of limitations on a DV case is 3 years - I saw my papers from the courthouse from March 08 the other day..let's take a guess where his future gf will be? None of my business anymore. He may get paid well and have some stature in his business but he is still a drug using, lying, abusive person who selfishly has no sense of morality or wise judgment.
I am so angry right now, its hard to work. I'm going to take a relaxing bath tonight and light some incense and ask for a sweet massage.
I am utterly and completely disgusted by him right now. I cannot believe I ever put myself in such a dire situation and allowed someone free reign to walk over me in such a callous and selfish way. This guy has done so many terrible things to me and continues to try to hurt me any small chance he has. Every time I even think of him it is a small step backward, not to mention answering his call or IM..
He has already moved on, is prob fucking someone else, in a relationship, and yet still has the nerve to even read my website or look at my name. Statute of limitations on a DV case is 3 years - I saw my papers from the courthouse from March 08 the other day..let's take a guess where his future gf will be? None of my business anymore. He may get paid well and have some stature in his business but he is still a drug using, lying, abusive person who selfishly has no sense of morality or wise judgment.
I am so angry right now, its hard to work. I'm going to take a relaxing bath tonight and light some incense and ask for a sweet massage.
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