My birthday already

Birthday: My birthday is in 2 days. Wow, it's my birthday already! There is a lot on my mind during this time of year. I love and hate my birthday. I always wanted to be the girl with all the friends who had surprise birthday parties from loving friends or big to do events with lots of people. I am learning that even though I may secretly want that - that is just not my life. And I need to accept that and move on. Right now with M, it is most definitely NOT going to happen. I am still protective of those around me that I love, and I don't want my friends to get this. My family is far away and I don't have them around for so many years so other than my mom with Lyme's, I don’t have to worry about giving this to them.

How many years have I spent in fear and loathing on this earth? Beginning when I was thrown down flights of stairs at 3 for not being able to recite/write my ABC’s to expectation.. hmm. I spent so many years longing for death. Having a spirit of death on me in my (pre-Christ) loose choices, drug-smoking – alcoholic-sugary lifestyle, in my complete lack of self- esteem and insecurities, in my self-destructive tendencies, in my anger and jealousy towards others, in my allowance of abuse from others...

Oh how I could sit here at home and spend the days up to my birthday thinking of how much time I have “wasted', how OLD I am and where has my life gone and all that I have NOT done while being sick or in fear. OR I could CHOOSE to focus on getting well and what life will be like in the future. I realized as positive as I am striving to be now, I often have (and have had) such a negative outlook on myself and my future because of my past.

My past…mhmm. Why do birthdays even make us think of the past? Because of my cheat 3 weeks ago, I now wont be able to celebrate my birthday with any kind of fun coconutty treat that I was planning to re-try introducing. 1 Sage Bistro coconut cookie (made with coconut sugar) and a nice 10 oz rooibos tea with stevia - that's what I want for my birthday. What I am getting is a year gym membership (with a dry sauna), a hike with my girlfriend up a beautiful mountain (as far up as I can make it), a Skype call with family (if they answer when I call) and hopefully I will treat myself to something nice that I love and is NOT food. What IS that anyway? Food has been my comfort for so long it is important; tantamount even, to my continued healing that I NO LONGER REWARD MYSELF with FOOD or A SWEET TREAT at all. I need NEW rewards for my new life and my new/future body. Thinking of HEALING and hearing of others POSITIVE OUTCOMES going back to their lives is what I choose today.

Fitness Goals: Timely to this, I also just found out that I cannot bodybuild back to where I was intending to go physically, with a completely no-carb diet. This is somewhat depressing, but I will continue on with my fitness - lightly. Speaking of fitness, my entire lower body (glutes, hams, quads and calves worked hard!) are on fire and suuuuper sore today. I hit 100 lbs in leg press and hip Ab/Adductions, 30 lbs in Leg Curls/Ext and still holding at 45 lbs with Lat Pulldowns. I’m holding stead weight at 108 lbs. I’m not where I was before M in terms of strength, but also not that far down weight wise as I would expect being this sick for THIS LONG and with many more who-knows-whats-to-come months to go. Overall, I have still have some muscle mass, but I really see the effects of this diet on my ability to gain muscle and strength. I just don't yet know how to do “gains” on this plant based diet - even with all the protein I take in macros wise. If I could even have 1 carb I would be happier than having NO carbs/grains at all. It is what it is. I will research it. Today and tomorrow are “rest days” from working out (as is any other day I am tired, often with this M) LOL

This birthday time is a really great opportunity to begin pondering on what my new rewards could be. Dare I Google it? "Ok Google, ways reward oneself do not include food" "Food is the most widely abused anti-anxiety drug in America, and exercise is the most potent yet underutilized antidepressant." ~Bill Phillips – soo true. Any suggestions for me?

I found some Snack Healthy Ideas that I may try to celebrate the birthday night with. I may just have a granny smith apple since I have not seen if it’s natural sugar affects me yet and if I am gonna cheat at all EVER it should be with something like that – NOT last time’s mistake.

Please note: - - -> All SUGARS in these recipes ARE REPLACED BY STEVIA.
http://www.onegreenplanet.org/vegan-recipe/raw-avocado-cacao-mousse/

http://elanaspantry.com/power-bars/

http://www.thrive-style.com/2012/02/hemp-seed-breakfast-cookies-with-chia-and-coconut/

http://www.foodiefiasco.com/homemade-coconut-cashew-quest-bars/

http://purpology.com/2014/03/04/homemade-quest-bars/

https://www.pinterest.com/search/pins/?q=Gluten%20Free%2C%20Dairy%20Free%2C%20Refined-Sugar%20Free%20Desserts%20stevia

Symptoms: I have had A LOT of stinging and some spurts of redness/inflammation lately. Not as much of the "itchy bites" as last month. 1 or 3 popup and then they are gone in the next 2 days. Lots more of the small red spots and brown spots are still increasing in number but at least not size. I have had just a smidge less crawling on some days. Yesterday almost none til the evening. It took roughly one week of terrible symptoms (with heavier crawling the first 2 days after) after my stupidity with the backslide. Then it was lessened crawling and stinging with redness/infmamation/red rash patched areas by the end of the week. Then it was normal crawling but with hard stinging lingering. Now the last 2 days is intermittent lessened crawling and lots of little random stingings with some redness/no red patch areas. Fibers are still everywhere and on me when I tape myself or do oiling but not as many specks come out. My PH is still really good and stable (thank you lemon water with cayenne recommendation here!) though my body temperature however, has gone down again… =( It was getting sooo high for so many days - even up into high 97, 98 degrees. Now I am back to 95-96 degrees - either that or, my thermometer is broken?! Today it was 95 I am not sure why it's so low again. But I'm not gonna let that throw me. See? I am going to keep on keeping on. See? (spoken in my best mafia gangster voice)

MMS: I maxed out (with no real “herx”) my MMS at 22 weeks around 22 drops as per Mel. I am staying there, although I did take 21 drops last night. I feel my sweetie cannot listen to me take MMS anymore – he now has headphones on but still sits by my bedside at least til I fall asleep. I cannot wait for the full moon to split dose because it is SOO strong tasting/smelling at this many drops. However, I have upped the amount of water I use instead of 8 oz I now use 10 oz. It’s Lemonade, it’s lemonade!

Motivation & Scriptures: This week scripture for me is mostly toward the enemy. My girlfriend was feeling sad and lonely, and felt worthless and like God has forgotten her and I could relate so much being in this state. So I began to talk to her about the Lord. The things I said were amazing so they had to be the Holy Spirit, I know I couldn’t come up with that stuff! LOL. She believes he used me to encourage her. She and I were talking about why would God do this to us?! Why would he not give us answers when we want them?! We blame God for so much! I certainly do and did. So one night (a week after cheat) while having bad stinging and inflammation I was again tempted to blame God and then I thought for the first time in my Christian walk, “WAIT A MINUTE! NO! I am NOT going to blame God, I am going to PRAISE Him instead! I have A CHOICE. What a moment of victory that was!!! Oh my gosh!! It was amazing in retrospect! There I was scrubbing my body in the shower and I had the instrumental playing so I just began singing, writing the song right there in the shower just praising Him - thinking instead ofall I had that He gave me. Hell, even my shower was a gift from Him! I could be homeless right now! I sang, “My God is the Healer, you are NOT the pain dealer. My God is provider, you are NOT a mean, rough divider.” We always hear the verse “The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.” But when I got M, I tend to think it’s the other way around. When I really think about it, I actually often think/thought of Him as quick to anger, slow in compassion and graciousness and limited or only special people get his love, he is selective with love. That is NOT the truth.

The situation led me to write a song about our mental attacks we have from the enemy and how it’s really a case of mistaken identity. God is not to blame for all our woes with this. He loves us. He is with us THROUGH this. He is NOT the cause. We are blaming the wrong person. Why blame Him? He is the one who loved us most. He allows these things to shape us (make us more like Christ), but hell no! He didn’t give this to us-to me! He doesn’t deserve my mistrust, my accusations, my disgust at this ill body - this body with a soul that really holds access to the Creator of the Universe! It’s not Him. I am being just like the enemy (Satan, the accuser) in those moments. So who then is my enemy? Why wouldn’t I need motivation and scriptures for dealing? Who doesn’t want me to walk in authority, love and peace? Who doesn’t want me to get closer to God and my power source? Who wants me to question and hate God? Who doesn’t want me to be HEALED?!

John 8:44 - You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father's desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. - Jesus
John 10:10 - The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. - Jesus
Job 1:7-9 - The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?” Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.” Then Satan answered the LORD, "Does Job fear God for nothing?
Job 1:10 - “Have you not made a hedge around him, around his household, and around all that he has on every side?” – Satan
Genesis 3:1 - Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?”- Satan
John 14:30 - I will no longer talk much with you, for the ruler of this world is coming. He has no claim on me. - Jesus
1 John 5:19 - We know that we are from God, and the whole world lies in the power of the evil one.
James 4:7 - “Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.”

My Strength against this enemy is STRONG.
Isaiah 54:17 - “No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgment you shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is from me,” says the Lord.
Luke 10:19 - “Behold, I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you.”
Psalm 44:5 - “Through You we will push down our enemies; through Your name we will trample those who rise up against us. For I will not trust in my bow, nor shall my sword save me. But You have saved us from our enemies, and have put to shame those who hated us. In God we boast all day long, and praise Your name forever.”
2 Chronicles 16:9 - “For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him.”
Psalm 56: 3,11 - “Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God I will praise His word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me? … In God I have put my trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”
Matthew 10:1 - “And when He had called His twelve disciples to Him, He gave them power over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal all kinds of sickness and all kinds of disease.”

Perishing? Nope! HOPE: A friend always quotes the verse “my people perish from lack of knowledge” how awesome that is! It’s true. I finally read the biblical context of it. What I am learning this month is that I am PHYSICALLY able to PERISH from this lack of knowledge above! I have been being “killed” and “destroyed” emotionally as well, NOT JUST attacked SPIRITUALLY. The enemy attacks me much like I am to attack this illness. ON ALL possible FRONTS! Wow.

One way is perishing for eternity and one way is perishing here and then perishing for eternity OR NOT. Right now, today, where I CAN have LIFE and have it ABUNDANTLY as Jesus said. I choose to KNOW MY ENEMY. I choose the abundance. As we near the day of my birth, many years later, today, at least for today I choose life!

Healthy Breakfast - non protocol

Some people need help in seeing what a healthy breakfast looks like. 

As you know I am sick so a lot of these breakfasts I cannot eat due to sugar and grains being in them (even though it's low and natural) but this is for MOST people seeking real weight loss and leaning results.. These are realistic portion sizes to keep one full and prepped for their workouts! 

Consistent healthy meals is where the real fast changes happen! :) I am off to workout right now. These abs won't make themselves come out- they need my help with diet! 

Sing a new song in the midst of trial. #sicklife

Last night was terrible! I was symptomatic with stinging and biting and crawling. I started to feel the familiar blame feeling toward God. 

Why the hell has this happened to me? Who did this to me? What am I going to do? Wtf? Etc etc.

Then I just shifted it. I said NO! I'm not gonna let this illness stress me. I'm going to CHOOSE my happiness instead. I'm going to choose gratitude. 

Stress makes this illness worse! So I wrote a song. I often give God the wrong attributes and that's what it's about.  A case of mistaken identity. 

The enemy does the stealing, the killing and destroying - NOT God. 

13% body fat on this new illness diet! 

New song because He is the Healer, NOT the pain and misery dealer.

Sugar free, dairy free --Snack idea! 

More stinging this week!! 

Diet plan.

A backslide with food and another lesson in Self-Control

What’s up everyone? I hope you are all doing well and still on your way to healing this week!! This month has been one of many ups and downs for me. In the interest of accountability, I had something yesterday that is against protocol and our vice. Sugar. Immediately my body let me know that I did something bad to myself in the form of CRAWLING EVERYWHERE! More on that later. First the positive. Let’s see..

Give Thanks/Gratitude: First I just want to say thank you again to Mel and the his He Cures All foundation for sending me MMS.

Weeks & Drops: I am at week 26 of protocol and I am on my 21st week MMS at 21 drops in 8-11 oz water. I have not seemed to have a major herx yet though I have had plenty of days with nausea and headache since as low as 13 drops. It seems most have had herxing at earlier drops so I’m not really sure if no herx yet is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or what’s up with me?

Symptoms: My current symptoms are crawling (still), random bites/pimpling, some fatigue (a little less on most days), more noticeable much larger and longer fibers and specks after showers, and odd rapidly increasing numbers of the red and brown spots on my skin. My body temperature has climbed back to 98 vicinity most days and even 97+ on some nights. My digestion seems ‘good’. I now go about 2-3 times a day most days-sometimes 4. My PH is still sticking in the 6.5-7.75 range daily with the exception of some 5.75 early mornings. Not sure why that is... If you are like me, please do not compare your health level to mine by months on protocol, I know I am far along in weeks and should likely be more improved with the crawling but I did mess up in the beginning with sugars (and also recently) so I am not where I could be. =( Learn from my sugar addiction pitfalls!

Diet: My diet is exactly the same for the last 3 weeks as my previous post, but what I learned by keeping this diet strict and with buying only those specific foods is that I can add in one thing at a time and see. For instance, one week I tried to add in 99cent store sunflower seeds (instead of the more expensive whole foods ones) and 1 Vans waffle and after reading the label very carefully (I had just glanced in the 99C store) my body told me that was a no no (the seeds recipe had wheat and the Vans had potato starch mixes). I found I can tolerate Ezekiel’s sprouted low sodium bread in small doses (1 slice a day) and 1 type of Quest bar. Yay! I also tried to see if I could have oats 2 weeks ago, ¼c as oatmeal snack w my Stevia and no, not yet based on my slight inflammation reaction. They were not gluten free though and that may also have been the issue? I should try those in a couple weeks. Ironically, I WAS tested for Celiac disease and gluten sensitivity/allergies (right before I found out I had this) and I tested negative for both. I also hope to add in red cabbage, and organic tomatoes at some point these next week’s so that I can make some of the site’s recipes. I am forever grateful to Peter for his outline helping me to know where to start in terms of food!

Emotional: Emotionally this week I was all over the place, the week before that I was freaking out periodically but only at night with the number of fibers I have been seeing and I have noticed been getting angrier more quickly. Luckily my friends and sweetheart are still there for me. Yesterday when I was isolating as usual, my friend actually came to my house to pick me up and take me out to the park. There were bugs at the park. I did feel that they were “attracted’ to me and coming after me and I was very afraid, but my friend said something that I will try to take into account. Firstly, the outside is in fact the bugs home. WE are the intruders there; but also because of our illness we notice these kinds of things A LOT more than the average person. It will seem like it is us specifically or something we do, but not necessarily. It is the awareness that we have. Like the pigeon/pavlov scene in Mr. Nobody. Have you guys seen that movie? Maybe it's not me flapping my wings-after all. Yes, I may be attracting the same amount of bugs as before M, but I am waaay more aware now and it really seems like it’s more and it might not actually be. So she said “don’t get lost in it, and to continue to think positive about your healing AND your attraction of bugs”. You are a child of God, protected and loved. You are also loved by bugs. I am going to try that line of reasoning this coming week and see how that goes for me mentally. Damn my phobia with this sickness do not go well together! Other people who have this sickness without this other fear already there prior, are prob better off than me. 

My birthday is later this month, I was going to actually have one homemade coconut cookie with a candle (I cut out coconut and such 2 months ago) however, after yesterday I feel that now I cannot have anything at all for my birthday. In the interest of accountability, I really messed up the diet yesterday. I went to the church for the first time in many weeks convicted that I need to be in the body, sick or not(instead of listening to the sermons like I usually do). So I rushed there, did not have breakfast and had not taken my bfast pills yet; I was already really hungry. I walked in late and everyone was already inside! Walking in I immediately saw all these muffins, bagels and cookies laid out on the table, all alone and yummy, and I don’t know what came over me, but I just went for it. I took a small thumb size piece, tasted it and was like "No, I cannot eat this!", but after tasting it and it was good  and I guess too because I had a very strong desire to just be/feel “normal” again - get this ..I HAD ANOTHER small piece of something else! 

Ugh. :( It was so terrible in that it was yet another one of my worst moments because there I was and I really had had ANOTHER piece even after the first, KNOWING that later on in the evening I would be paying for it likely in crawling and biting. Instead though, as the service ended and I went up for healing prayer call, I suddenly felt ALL OF THE MISTAKE full freaking force! This did not wait for the night time or even after 5, they were doing the happy dance right there in the morning. Belly, shoulders, feet and butt were crazy crawling - 30 minutes later crotch! Oh NO! Yeah, I felt it everywhere. AGAIN. It was not as bad as the onset of this, but yeah it was bad. I spent much of yesterday being pissed at myself and expecting the absolute worst.

In retrospect, however, even my loss of control was somewhat self-controlled in the sense that I did not go and have entire pieces of these things or gorge on everything delicious that I saw. I was alone and could have done myself in even worse than I have. I took very small pieces of each. What I was not thinking about at the time, was these next 3-4 week’s which I WILL STILL be PAYING FOR IT because once again I have set myself back and will have crawling, bites, inflammation, and such for LONGER! I DID NOT LET THAT THROW ME though, the SAME DAY I ATE raw and slightly cooked PROTOCOL foods AS I USUALLY DO. IMMEDIATE RETURN TO PROTOCOL, bot! Get your butt back in GEAR soldier! Today I was on protocol food as well and plan to continue. 

We may mess up, but that does not mean we are to keep on messing up just because we did once. I learned that from the Bible. That's also a big part of NEVER GIVE UP HOPE.. even in our failures. Not just our FEARS. There was a scripture about that, that I was made aware of in the Spirit and I apply that to my food mess up and my life. To me it was clear, I am going to sin, but I say I believe Jesus gave his life for me and my sins, so if I keep on sinning I am then spitting in God's face of love and Christ's death. If I keep on sinning, while actively attempting turning from my sin on the whole, and asking for forgiveness that is a whole different thing in God's eyes. That is repentance. Turning from sin-however long it takes me to get free of it is not important. However me continuing to sin while not asking for forgiveness and just saying "well I am not perfect, might as well just continue doing what I have no control over" is NOT leaving room for God to work or for my change to become more like Christ. SLOW AND STEADY.

The rest of the night was bites/pimpling and the crawling feeling on places where I don’t usually have crawling. I tend to think of crawling as a whole skin issue now thanks to Peter and Twiggy, but I used to think about it in terms of specific body parts, where it was what caused a specific area to crawl and it used to be all over. Last night was like that. It showed how far I have come with the crawling without noticing - since I don’t want the crawling at all and that’s the only symptom I hate, I didn’t see how it wasn’t everywhere like it was before protocol. But yesterday was also a reminder of where I have come from with the crawling. Like when you used to feel it in your belly and then you don’t anymore, and then you do..or your shoulders, head or feet etc. It really SUUUUUUUCKS to backslide!

I’m not a complete lost cause - there is a new normal for me (though yesterday was a wtf FAIL). I do have it normalized at home, now I need to master it for when I leave my home (which realistically I mostly do). That situation was a sad reminder really though one of the reasons I don’t really leave my home anymore that often. My lesson was learned - I hope finally! ONE DAY AT A TIME though. Surprisingly today is a lot better than yesterday symptom-wise though, even in terms of the dreaded crawling. I don’t really feel as much as I expected, or as yesterday but the new bites/pimpling do still itch and the red inflammation has inflamed already twice today...

I am somewhat excited for this month because even though I am sick I am still finding light work, still able to write songs, Freeman got his first health customer and we are even mixing and mastering one song this week. Honestly, this is more musical momentum than I have had in 8 months of the year and half I have been ill (not just M).

God willing I will stay strong and in the fight as will you all. Please keep me in prayer to be strong against food temptations warriors and I will do the same for you. Also, I would like to learn to deal with my bug fears and anger/frustration of the loss of the old ‘normalcy’ that gets me every once in a bit. These are my small goals for this month. Onward and upward, right?!

Motivation/Scripture: So this is my scripture for this week, for sure. Paul talks a lot about the Christian walk, and continuing in the faith no matter what, remembering as we run the race that we were in fact, bought with a price and that prize is everlasting life. Weeee! However, I feel this applies in this area of my self-control and discipline with this and protocol as well. He says in 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 “Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.”

NEVER GIVE UP HOPE! Keep running girly. Mhmm. Yes I need this. Hebrews 12:1-29 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Rawsome New Recipes: Oh, here are two more “raw”some recipes for any of you interested ones who also want to try being 50% raw...
Cucumber Noodles with Coconut Lime Cumin Dressing
Ingredients
4 medium to large cucumbers
1/8 cup nuts (of your choice, soaked until soft, rinsed and drained) - you can prob also try this with tahini)
1 young Thai coconut, flesh from (about 1 cup and save the water =)
4 limes, juice and zest from
1/4 cup coconut water (from a coconut - don’t get the sugar laden “coconut water”)
1 teaspoon raw chili garlic sauce
1 teaspoon fresh grated ginger
2 teaspoons cumin
2 tablespoons black sesame seeds
4 scallions (green onions) thinly sliced
Himalayan salt (I use 4 grinds or 1/4 teaspoon)

Instructions
1. Slice cucumbers into "noodles". Set two of the cores aside to add to the dressing. Set noodles in a strainer to let excess water drain.
2. Place two cucumber cores, nuts, coconut, lime juice (not the zest), coconut water, chili garlic sauce and cumin into a high speed blender or food processor and blend until smooth.
3. Stir in zest, black sesame seeds and onions. Pour over cuke "noodles" and mix well. Salt to taste.

Turmeric Milk (this is great I have these 2x a week)
Yieldz: 2 servings
Ingredients
2 cups almond milk (homemade almond milk or coconut milk, and any other non-dairy milks are a fine substitute)
1 teaspoon turmeric powder
2 teaspoons freshly grated ginger, or 1 teaspoon ginger powder
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon powder
1/4 teaspoon cardamom powder (optional)
Stevia (or Xylitol) sweetener to taste

Instructions
1. Blend all ingredients together in a cup. Drink and enjoy!

Praying for you all to have strength, comfort and more trust in Him this week.

At ease (uncharacteristically),
me

Update and Beginning The New Diet

Hi everyone! I am no longer reluctant. I am moving forward. Let's just take it ONE DAY AT A TIME, shall we? SLOW and STEADY...

It’s been quite some time since I posted. I see there are so many new people! Welcome! I was having a real hard time of it, so scared for so many days, sad and boy it was nightmarish! I am reading past posts and thinking of each of you daily. I hope you are all well this week or better than last at least. Listing some things I have come to see, things I am doing and thinking with this illness in the past month or so..

Message to me, yes me. You are on week 21 of protocol and week 17 of MMS. You did not quit! You are actually really on the protocol with being completely refined sugar/natural -sugar free for about 1- 2 months. Still, YOU GO girl! It seems a small step, but an important one to healing!

so... yeah.. where am I? I am officially on 17 drops and still no herx?! I am not upping the water amount of 8 oz either. It burns tremendously but I have no diarrhea or vomiting or fevers yet! Oddly.

2) Tracking/Symptoms: So my comparisons to those who started protocol a couple weeks ago and have no crawling at all after such a short time are not realistic and I have let that go completely. I am having crawling symptoms still randomly, stinging and burning but now really working even harder on the tightening up the diet to see if I see any crawling changes at all. I have now subscribed to eating the same foods daily. I have run into financial trouble and this really helps with cost cutting as well as knowing what I can add in and what I can’t. For me, the crawling is the most unbearable symptom! I am approaching this illness in the most scientific way I can (like Dr.s do for us). Documenting all (this is just a habit) tracking my meals, my PH (bet 6.5-7.25), body temperature (started out at 94-95.3, now I'm often in 96-97 range!), my digestion (# of BMs daily, color, Bristol type etc), my weight (went from 99 to now 110 lbs) and all related symptoms (light crawling, bites, pimpling, heavy burning, lots of fibers, fatigue etc.). My most prevalent the last 2 weeks are these red and brown “spots” on my skin increasing in number daily (all over my body). These are called liver spots or moles by others. I call them GET THE F OFF ME in Jesus Name – this body is healed! I really don’t know why I am getting so many of these every day…what they are or what it means but I CHOOSE not to get scared and instead CARRY ON with my pills and diet. As Peter mentioned, emotions are a large part of this illness for us, so I begun tracking my EMOTIONS because I have seen for me, that is where my illness is most prevalent and my symptoms get worse. Doing this is great for me, because I used to be a person to shove down my feelings or ignore them. I am working hard on DE-STRESSING in EVERY situation and when I am stressed practicing going directly to God's Word for comfort and also FORGIVENESS.

3) New Food: I am about 50% raw foods right now and greens juicing 2x weekly. My goal for next year is to hopefully be 75% raw! So what the hell am I eating then? Right? I am a Mixed Oxidizer/Balanced metabolism (according to John B.’s link on his page) so thanks to Peter’s documented diet; 8:30 Breakfast I have 2 egg whites w/ spinach OR kale, red onions, red peppers, 1/8-1/4 of an avocado, raw cucumbers, red radishes, w/ 1 tbsp olive oil OR a protein shake w cucumbers in evoo. 10:30 pill is a 1 tsp of coco oil w 1 tsp shredded coconut unsweetened and Rooibos OR Pau D Arco tea. 1:30 Lunch is a very large salad and 1/4 c almonds. This is about 3 cups of greens (kale, spinach, lettuce) with the same veggies of breakfast all raw and adding in zucchini, OR raw broccoli w 2 cloves raw garlic and 1’ raw ginger. (sometimes, 1/4 c quinoa OR 1 slice Ezekiel toast plain, if I can tolerate) My only dressing for anything is Goddess OR EVOO w salt/lemon. (a small version of this salad type is in the pic) 7:30 Dinner is usually the same size salad, same ingredients with 2 new veggies mixed in and a “raw soup” OR a cooked vegetable. OR a raw vegetable, and the salad OR 1-2 oz lean animal protein (3-4 x a week) and raw vegetable (Thank you Peter, Twiggy and Nicole for this advice to get me to this point!) Snacks throughout day are ¼ c nuts and variations of stevia filled protocol cookies, sunbutter w/ salt tbsp, or my newly found raw avocado-lime-stevia desserts. That’s it! If I am still hungry after any meal and it is not a specific snack time, MORE WATER, or a DISTRACTION – not food!! :) FOOD WILL NOT BE MY COMFORT! I RULE YOU STOMACH & MIND, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!

I don’t know about you all, but, I actually HATED these foods before getting sick and even used to make fun of people who ate this way. With the exception of not being able to ever eat sweet potatoes, brown rice, I am basically eating like a body builder does. My "carbs" are just different.

4) Emotional Feedback: This illness IS going away. I can feel it, as can my loved ones who have said so. Thanks to you Mel! <3 <3 John’s amazing protocol and ULTIMATELY ALL GLORY TO GOD who is My true and LOVING Healer. Today, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel for 2017-2018! I have a LOOOOOONNNNNNNG way to go on being even 90% but I am definitely seeing AND FOCUSING on progress even right now. I am NOT GOING BACK TO my OLD diet while waiting for the Lord to bring my healing and even when feeling “better”. I am STRENGTHENING my resolve TOWARD my CURRENT diet instead. Like Nicole and Twiggy say, there is no cheat day for us, this is a lifestyle. This is an illness, like Cancer. It can come back if you “feed” it, just like we did whatever to get to here. Just like Mel says in his awesome conference call, I want to “STAY well” and “not forget I was sick”, so going back to how I ate before will just not be a choice or option for me anymore. 5) Cleaning: Praise God on this! Guess what? Right now I have help from my fiancée and my friends with all the cleaning and washing clothes! I was really scared but I reached out talking to them about how I cant do it all alone and how long it takes etc. They are now helping by taking turns cleaning washing and helping me so that I can have time to be in the Word, lessen my load when I’m feeling weak or need to sleep extra. This is what true Christianity is all about. GOD’S LOVE within GOD’S FAMILY that others can see. That is what I hope to be able to give to others very soon. I also have moved from MMS to washing with KG, Borax and Odoban and I no longer take 2 hours for 1 load!

6) Body: I stopped looking for specks long ago so I am not sure if they are there. I do have an inordinate amount of “lint balls” on my clothing not easily ignored, but not my body. I have lint pieces on my body which I see after showering and usually blue and red strings lately on the tape. A picture of the fibers from me taping my body are below. I saw about 3-4 small specks of glitter recently so I imagine there are more coming out where that came from. And if we're talking detoxing all those metal, I likely have A LOT more months to go on protocol than the average healthy persons 18. I have a full mouth of metal/mercury and have been dying my hair since childhood! When I shower I use a nylon cloth and afterward I apply either nature rich cleanser (air dry) or spray my body with Kleen Gree/MMS (I alternate) letting it dry then oiling up an hour or two later. I randomly every other day also spray my whole head with MMS as well as my shoes.

7) New Habits Forming: This month and last I have been making sure to get at least 8-9 hours of sleep every night. Sometimes a nap in the daytime if I can swing it. Promptly getting in bed before the heavy crawling can start around 10:35-11:00pm! I am working out this month about 3-4 times a week with weights when I have energy. When I don’t its 2-3 x a week and I don’t kill myself, or I just go for a walk or stretch. I am sitting in the sun for at least 10 minutes a day even when I don’t feel well also. Upon the Word of the Lord this week I have taken to guarding my heart and my eyes. It came to me when I was watching Empire (eating a ton of almond butter w cinnamon and not counting the tbsps!)...a vision and real revelation. I can't substitute a healthy alternative in an unhealthy way; that makes it unhealthy. MODERATION! So on Empire, there are these characters- 1 guy is cheating on his wife. Another is scheming to run his father's company out of revenge. Another is a murderer. Another is showing me a greedy woman. Another one is a homosexual. Anyway, what am I doing here? If this were real life none of these people would be inheriting the kingdom I hope to someday be a part of. Harmless viewing though to get my mind off my illness, right? Just passing the time? BUT what exactly is watching or listening to this eliciting from me? Is this not what I am healing from? What am I watching? I realized I have to ask myself -- IS THIS ACTIVITY PROMOTING HEALING FOR ME? And No, it wasn't. I was stressed. It is a drama afterall and basically with spiritual eyes that read the Word its a drama about sinful people. Why would I watch sin or sin being celebrated - if I want to heal my body AND my mind? I noticed that I can't be working toward healing and just think in terms of taking the pills, cleaning the house, laundry and the anti candida/fungal diet.

It is MY LIFE here I'm healing. MY past CHOICES to self harm or just not care to eat bad for me foods. MY WORK environment. MY negative THOUGHT patterns. MY old BEHAVIORS. Men I choose to have IN MY LIFE. THESE are all in line with promotion of healing or not. Therefore, now, I am not engaging in things in terms of media that are negative, that remind me of my past, or are evil in God's eyes. Why would I? I am PROTECTING MY HAPPINESS and therefore, MY HEALING STATE. I hear a little robot somewhere saying "HEALING ON." Keeping the healing ONLINE, as Peter would say. I cannot be "like horse or mule with blinders on" to what the world wants to show me or wants for me to emulate. I am proclaiming Christ and need to live it. I see to get well, and stay well, I will need to be as selective "with my heart, ears and eyes" as I am being with my food. Matt 6:22-23, 2 Cor 6:14-18, Ps 32:8-9.

Love you and praying for all of you for strength, comfort, wisdom and love this week,
Shari

Another day of Diet Protocol.. and realizations of comfort and love

So God willing I will be healed from faithfully pursuing this protocol. There are certain things that increase symptoms and so I really have to keep a certain strict diet to minimize symptoms and spread of this illness. More on that later.

My fiancee is leaving me to go to a funeral in NY. Why do I feel as though he will never come back? Because I have abandonment issues. Because I realized I have an issue of un-forgiveness with men. This sometimes permeates my new healthy relationship in ways I am only now beginning to see. I am about to get married. We are both sick. This illness is bringing up all new things for me. I am learning about myself, my fiancee, and how messed up life can be and how good in all this God still is. I hate this situation so much right now, though slowly but surely I am getting through it. The help of God, my friends, my online "support group", and praise music. I find I can no longer listen to secular music with abandon. Where is the HOPE and the LOVE in those songs? They are all about sex and lust, calling it "love" but it is not actual love. They are songs about cheating, getting over, making money, how being bad is being good, and just illicit entitlement, mistrust, depression, selfishness, and do NOT support healing and peace. These are all things I just no longer subscribe to or really want the influence of in my life. Goodness, true love, trust, honesty, compassion that's what I need more of. It seems its all that's there in the Word of God, and meh, it really helps me right now.

The cleaning routine feels grueling, the body environment changes are sci-fi scary and yet I am alive and still fighting back against this thing. Yesterday my gf told me I am strong and have always been strong. What? Really? This was so hard for me to believe, as I have felt weak for much of my life. At the health food store two strangers came up to me and said I was beautiful and had great artistic style. What?! I have lost my clothes. I have lost/am losing my looks. I am tired and aging prematurely. I was shocked. How could they possibly think this or see that? My realization is 'Wow, it is clear that the way I see myself does not match at all how others see me." I actually came to a lot of realizations the last couple days.

I cannot any longer continue in my pattern of putting myself and my health last - this is where I am now. I MUST care for my body, my home and my life whatever of it that I have left. I really have put food in the past, above God and also turned to sweets for comfort instead of God. I realized too we are taught these kind of things in early childhood. Though my parents may have thought they'd done their best, they had absolutely no training or idea how to raise me (they were younger) but however they themselves had been raised and their own messages of what love is/discipline looks like. I see that now. Throughout much of my childhood times I was hurt by them physically, emotionally and mentally. During these times a sweet would come into the picture. Mentally (as inner voices) strong messages were sent to me. Aww, you're hurting? I hit you because your bad/stupid/ugly/frustrating me, etc. You deserve it. Here have a cookie and go in the other room. Aww, you fell down? Too bad. Get up. Here is a lollipop. year after year, hurt after hurt etc. You need to talk about something serious? I don't have time for you. I would make some food, listen to music or write/pretend instead.

In retrospect, God showed me these kind of early life experiences sent me the childhood messages and beliefs that I have SILENTLY lived by up to now (whether they intended this or not)
1st message (variations) was your pain does not matter/does not exist/is not important. The 2nd was when you are in pain, eat something sweet. Actions speak louder than words, we always hear that, right? The actions sounded a lot like "you don't deserve real comfort, and no one will comfort you so get your comfort from somewhere else." We do NEED comforting. ALL of us. It IS comforting to eat something sweet, even science will tell us that, but it is not LOVE. It is not VALIDATION. It is not UNDERSTANDING and EMPATHY. It is not GENTLE TOUCH. These things are what make a person / a child, whole. I see that now. Sugar/Food did not offer me that. It offered me a substitute. I lived off that substitute, much of my life, indirectly seeking comfort. Believing I could never have the real thing, so I did not need it. I don't even know when I need comfort and I sure as shit dont know how to ask for it. I was see now that I was also taught not to ask for help, because when I needed it I would not get it, or be believed, or justified. Instead, I learned to react a different way to my times of sadness or pain.

Now however, there is really NO substitute left. I CANNOT have my "comfort" foods, my sugary goodness, my work (though abusive many times still gave me fulfillment and a way to have efficacy/self respect), cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, lovers. I realized these were all things that served to destroy my immunity and my body - this illness does not give me the liberty to mess with myself internally anymore or push any "bad" feelings down. Bad food, stress, bad habits, leads to symptoms RIGHT AWAY! :'(

Another realization as Free has left is that this lack of recognition of my pain (from caregivers) and my own self-preserving formed habits to those actions, also directly (albeit unknowingly) led me to be attracted to and attract people who also were pushing down their own pain as well as would not ever be able to recognize mine. Hence I had many abusive relationships, unhealthy, unsafe relationships with others who were also living out and living in a kind of denial of their own with the same above things. The cycle was that neither of us could ever actually comfort each other in any meaningful way.

Prior to knowing God (and reading the Word/Proverbs) I can honestly say I did not know what true love was. What being a "good person" really meant in practice or that I was lovable, deserving, precious, appreciated and ALREADY GOOD ENOUGH.

As an adult too, if I felt bad, I would eat or do something else to feel "better". Looking back my diet was a diet of mostly sugary sweet things, dairy, processed and refined carbohydrates, fast food and very little water. My early life's usual suspects were macaroni and cheese, Taco Bell, ANY kind of cake, candy, cookie or chip, milk, coffee, ANY kind of bread or pasta with some sauce. These were favorite foods of mine. I began to have illnesses and other things wrong with me, but I did not look at sugar or my refined carbs as the culprit at all, neither did my Dr.s who were happy to prescribe pills instead of diet change. I did do the "increase fiber" trend by beginning to eat more vegetables with these foods in the last few years before getting this. Clearly that was not enough for this poor body. Not to mention all the cigarettes and alcohol I put in for my systems and liver to sort out (my main detox organ).

My diet now is no grains, no dairy, no sugar, NO REFINED SUGAR AT ALL (not even natural sugars in the smallest quantities yet) for 18-24 months. As my body is toxic I am trying to add more foods that are more alkaline. How ironic and yet, what a blessing, right? Who knows what my future held if I kept on the way I was? I was on my way to death even though I did not know it. I got this and though He didnt give it to me, he is USING it to open my eyes to so many things.

My diet now due to this illness is very hard for me. In my struggle to not just live, but live well, am even eating things I have always hated due to my upbringing. Before now I could never eat onions or peppers. I now MUST eat them (raw) as they do certain things to my body to help my pills do their thing in building up my immune system.

Last night I was wrecked by seeing 6 new pimple 'bites' crop up on my skin BEFORE my EYES. It's one thing to know something has cropped up on your skin over night or is there but it is quite another to have been looking at clear skin one minute, while looking at your skin and then see "activity"! I must get rid of this illness. I continue to pray and ask for prayers for healing. I cannot function like this. I am fearful. People say those who have this are "delusional". Yeah, I guess I have become pretty crazy having seen the things I have seen and felt what I am feeling. However, after years of being in denial, I am NO LONGER ignoring my feelings. I am no longer ignoring my needs. In coming to that place of self actualization, I am NOT ignoring what I see and my body FEELS, either.

I CANNOT afford to do that. I will die. Just like using the food/sugar/sweets to mask my mental, physical, emotional pain 'symptoms" -- it is similar. But I have changed. I don't want a pharma "pill" to push away "symptoms" of pain/discomfort as I was taught in childhood. I want a real lasting solution to the problem - not just the symptoms. I want to HEAL. I now want and I have found out that I deserve the true LOVE and true COMFORT.

My diet this week was:
12/27 ----began Parabolish while doing http://logosnutritionals.com/products/vitaminsupplements/vitaminsupplementswellnessprotocol/

12/28
L: 2 eggs, 1/2 handful spinach, mixed greens salad w/ cucumber, 8 oz Protein shake, 8 oz Lemon water w stevia
D: eggs w spinach, 1 pc Chicken breast, Green beans, 4 oz lemon water, 1 tsp coconut manna w shredded coconut shreds
S: 2 tbsp mixed nuts

Symptoms: daytime redness and lint on skin after shower spraying w MMS. Light crawling arms, belly, feet during day. Heavier crawling feet at night.

12/29
B: none (woke late at 10am) =(
L: 3:30p - 2 C mixed salad greens w broccoli, cauliflower and cucumbers, Goddess dressing, 1 egg w garlic sauce, 8 oz protein shake, 1 celery stalk w almond butter
S1: 5:30p 16 oz lemon water w stevia, 3 tbsp almond butter, 3 brown rice cakes, 14 Blk bean Beanitos chips (1 serving), 1/2 avocado w pinch salt,
16 oz lemon water w stevia
D: 7:30 p- 1/4 C cauliflower, 2 breasts Chicken, 2 brown rice Vans waffles-3g sugar, 5 oz water
S2: 8:30p -1 dark choc nuts /sea salt KIND bar -5g :(, 1 Brown rice cake, 1 tsp Almond butter, 3 oz Coconut milk

Symptoms: 3 BMs today. Type 3 and couple 2's. more water, more fiber! Some later night floaters (lower fat intake for tomo) feeling freezing cold most of day. Hard burning stings on belly, legs throughout the day. Redness/burning on belly after lying down on the floor. 2 new bites on neck and behind the ear.

12/30-
B: 16 oz water
1 1/2 C Mixed Greens w/ radishes salad w evoo, salt, lemon dressing, 1/2 tuna fish
8 oz Protein shake
L: 4 oz butternut squash soup w garlic sauce, 2 C Mixed greens w cucumber, broccoli and goddess dressing.
1 slice ezekiel bread sprouted w gmo/soy free butter, 16 oz key lime water w stevia
S1: 4 nutjustacookie sugar free - Almond
D: 2 oz chicken w garlic basil, Cauliflower (evoo, salt, lemon), 1/2 Avocado (evoo, sea salt, lemon)

Symptoms: 2 BMs today. Type 2 in am, type 3 in pm. BTemp 96.6 at 7pm. Stomach ache after ingesting increased MMS, sprayed entire body w MMS then slept well.

12/31 --(15 drops MMS begin)
16 oz water
B: 2 eggs, spinach w garlic, 8 oz greens drink (celery, spinach, parsley)
L: 2 celery stalks, 1/2 cucumber, and 2 radish w 2 tbsp protocol ranch, 1/2 c cauliflower rice w evoo, lemon, s+p, 1 rice cake, 2 tsp cashew butter, 4
S: 4 nutjustacookie (pistachio) w rooibos tea - (3=0g sugar), 1/4 slice ginger cashew KIND bar 1.5 g sugar
D:1 egg w green beans, broc, kale, 3 C mixed greens salad w zucchini, broccoli florets and evoo dressing, 1 waffle

Symptoms: 2-3 BMs. Type 2. :( PH at 1p =6.5. BTemp at 6:30p was 96.1. Feeling cold again most of the day. Light-med crawling. Stings under my clothes. Steady @99 lbs; that is 1 blessing! Stinging/Burning today after 4 pm. Had to take a Melatonin 3mg to even sleep thru stings/burning.

1/1 (full moon symptoms - begin MMS split dose)
B: 16.9 oz water, 1 egg w spinach, 8 oz acv water, 1/2 avocado w salt
S: 6 oz rooibos tea
L: 4 oz protein shake, 1 celery stick w almond butter, 3 C Mixed greens salad w peppers, cucumber, light onion, avocado, zucchini, cauliflower and goddess dressing, Coconut oil tbsp w shredded coconut flakes +coco manna, 4 oz Greens detox drink
S1: waffle w cashew butter
D: 2 C cauliflower rice, Mixed greens lunch l/overs, 2 Pastrami pcs

Symptoms: 9:30 AM: BM Type 3- dk brown; BTemp=96.6, PH 6.0. BT =95.7. BT 2:15a = 97.1. Little less crawling today. Some hard stinging and burning.

1/2/14
B: egg, cucumbers, avocado slice, evoo, salt. 4 oz protein shake
D: waffle w 1 tsp org cashew butter, cauliflower rice w coco aminos, himalayan salt, 1 oz shredded chkn, 1 oz beef, mixed greens salad w zucchini, cauliflower, broccoli, evoo, 1/2 c Green beans w 1 tbsp raw garlic
S: 20 oz Lemon water, 3 tsp coco oil, shredded coconut& coco manna w stevia

Symptoms: 2 BMs Type 2-3 green/dk brown;. Less daytime crawling-stinging burning during day. Crawling, stinging and burning at night after 10.

1/3
B, L, D >> fasted w water and 1 lemon detox tea only til 12 am.
Note: missed all pills today also. Did NOT miss Bedtime regimen or MMS dose. Stayed in bed most of the day. How do I take food related pills when I am fasting?

1/4 (woke late again) =(
B: 11am- 2 hb eggs, 8 oz protein shake, 1/3 c almonds
L: 6pm- Jack in the box - 1 turkey burger, 1 hamburger plain (no bun, no cheese, no condiments, no fast food "vegetables" of their lettuce or tomato)
D: 8:45pm- 3 C mixed greens w tuna, and evoo lemon dressing, 1/2 c green beans, lemon water w stevia
S: 12:45a -- 3 tbsp almond butter, 1/2 c coconut manna, 1 waffle, 2 tbsp almonds & mixed nuts

Symptoms: No more PH strips to test urine. =( No money to get basic protocol necessities this week. No BM today. Light crawling. Bites on back and chest. Energy was ok today at least.

1/5/14 (day 7 Parabolish)
B: 2 eggs, salsa, avocado slices, evoo, salt&p, garlic, 8 oz protein shake
S: 16 oz lemon water w stevia, Blk bean soup, 1/3 c almonds
L: missed =(
D: 3 c salad- lettuce, spinach, cucumber, lemon juice, zucchini n squash slices, Blk and grn olives, slice avocado, 1 slices red onion, 1 sm slice green pepper, Greens drink (celery, kale, garlic, spinach, parsley) 4 oz protein shake w 1 tsp flaxseed, Tsp Coconut oil, 8 oz water

Symptoms: 2 BMS in am. Brownish, type 4s. Light crawling throughout day. Burning stinging skin. Energy was ok. 1 bite/pimple on back in the am. Saw small spider and pincer bug today in house. Ugh :( Am I attracting these bugs as they see my skin as dead plant matter? Must step up the KG spray. Missed many pill times and meal times today/this week. Very disappointed w/ myself! Must get back on the schedule!! Proud that I did not have sugar today!

As Peter advised, looking for the blessings and a positive today.

Getting Well and Keeping Positive Challenge Accepted

I am feeling angry tonight. This is the place where I can say anything I want, write anything I want and let the crazy out so that is exactly what I am going to do. I am extremely angry that I have this illness.

I have been hungry all day long - these parasites or bacteria, fungus whatever the heck I have has had me eating all day. I am angry that I gave in to a sugar craving. Isn't the reason I am taking candida rid to get rid of these cravings? I am supposed to do well and better over time and I am not sure I am. Something is crawling around on my thighs under my clothes right now.. I fucking hate this feeling so much!

I cant stand this overwhelming mental anguish. I think it is fully worse than the symptoms (brain fog, bites, crawling, red cuts burning, red rashes, fatigue) though they are terrible as well. I would not wish this disease on my worst enemy. I am trying to find ways of destressing and staying positive but I have been upset more than once today.

Then there is the enemy who takes advantage of me and my feelings behaviors.. he WANTS to see me fail. He wants to DESTROY my faith and happiness. He wants to put me in DESPAIR. He must be combated with the Word of God. I WILL be healed. In Jesus Name I claim the healing that God himself promised me! I will cling to my faith that I will be healed and I will try again tomorrow on the strict diet that this illness requires. I may have failed today, but I do not have to fail tomorrow as well. I CAN TRY AGAIN.

I may be suffering now but this is momentary troubles. I may be down, but I am not crushed.

2 Corinthians 4:8-12
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.'

Despite my own self, accepting Christ who IS MY LORD, LIFE is at work in me!

My dis-ease and plans for the New Year

Dusting off the ol blog. Chip off the keyboard and blowing away the spiderwebs. Hello again, Bloggie! I am writing in here because I believe this will be a year where I may need to "let the crazy out" somewhere, other than to friends and family.

I have contracted a strange illness and this will be my journey going through it. No horror stories, hopefully just posts of growing faith, some confusion, detoxing and good food.

With that here is my Decembers 2nd to last posting. Happy holidays to you! I feel extremely ill this week. I am at 9 weeks on MMS and I am at 13 drops per MMS protocol. My stomach pain is intense again tonight! I feel like I have hardcore cramps. Had a fever this week and intense nausea. Anyone else feel this?!

The last two weeks have been a challenge and eye opening to how I think sometimes, how I need more of God and how much my past has really affected the way I believe life to be. The way I believe life will be. My life has been very hard and so my perspective on life has many times become that life is hard. This is not necessarily true. This is also definitely not the best perspective to have for healing right now. This mindset needs to change! I see my very real need to be going after the ‘renewing of my mind’ to Christ’s promises and God's possibilities instead of my limited view of "what is", "what has been".

God has literally been with me the entire way this week. I must be getting even closer to Him because today I was singing to Him and praising in the shower as I was simultaneously having strange images of (oddly) being in a kind of concentration camp flashing through my mind.

The amount of “lint” on my body from the week before last was disconcerting. What is NOT comforting is that we do likely have this stuff coming out of us onto the clothes, into the washer and also out of the dryer. From what I read from other warriors is that the symptoms of getting to wellness, seem to be exactly the same as the symptoms of contracting this. Itching, intense crawling, and the “bites” or bumps. I am freaked out by the lint situation, buuut, for some reason we went PI and have looked into it; secretly spying on the others clothing in the same dryers, (everyone uses the same 6 washers and dryers) and I cleaned all the buildings dryers with KG and have seen that everyone’s clothes come out with lots of lint - it was not just ours. That was extremely comforting! There is also a linty & non linty dryer, We're now using the non linty dryer and it's much better.

I am most definitely looking into the changing of my typical Western diet. I am trying to create candida free recipes and tweak where I need to so that I can really like some of the food. (I have been eating clean on and off for the last 2-3 years) it seems going back to mostly raw that has been hard, but not impossible. I am even attempting to find ways to eat 3 veggies I always hated-peppers, onions, and eggplant. They have a place in this diet and I need to open up to them! I am on labels like a hound and have memorized the looks of all the names of hidden sugars/GMOs! I cut out the nut cookies, organic tomatoes, vegan desserts and also the blueberries and grapefruit for the time being and will continue to tweak as these were contributing to me being acidic which increases crawling sensations.

SUGAR ADDICT STATUS: So far I am still refined sugar free and I believe I am at least 3 days or so with being strictly even protocol sugar free-all the Praise to God! I literally ran out of my extension kit and had to just rely on diet for 4 days; no Candida Rid; there was 1 day there that I just ate sooo much coconut manna (coconut puree) and almond butter; it was very frustrating for me! This week I am shooting once again for no sugars or only having the "sugars allowed" on protocol. I believe they are natural vegetable sugars, (excluding the ones in the GIycemic article), Stevia, Xylitol, and natural nut sugars (except mold/fungus nuts - peanuts, etc). Spending roughly $80-$100 a week so far in food =/ but it would be higher medical bills I am sure.

Its looking like when we remove what we used to sedate ourselves (my sugars, popcorns and processed foods), all the emotions that I was trying to shove down with food are coming to the surface now. They're here and they are not going away. I turned to food for comfort, not God. Now I need to learn how to get comfort from God while knowing when I even need comfort! Instead of looking in the fridge for where my food comes from. It doesn't come from the fridge and neither does my comfort. This is a lie from the pit of hell that my body has been believing. Yes I buy the food from the store and put it in there but it DOES NOT come from there. I go to the fridge when I'm hungry looking for food AND when I have these emotions. There right in your face, vying for your attention HELLO! Here I am!. Sadness, Frustration, Despair, Confusion, Impulsiveness, Anger, FEAR. And I have a choice to make: stuff these down with a bag of "paleo protocol" chips, 3 handfuls of almonds and a box of grain free/sugar free cookies OR allow the emotion to move up, out and through me, no matter how uncomfortable that may feel. AND it does feel uncomfortable. VERY uncomfortable. The crawling comes and it's a constant reminder that I am messing up with the food. The nausea comes as a reminder. Your comfort IS NOT HERE, God said in a very low voice. Little by little though I feel I AM getting there. I WILL be able to claim being healed and I WILL overcome this food/addiction. It's more than just figuring out what I am going to be able to eat at/through the movies this Wednesday. Today it's more like I am questioning exactly what am I eating during the movie, FOR?

MOVING/MARRIAGE: Looks like my SO after seeing me sick for the last couple days does not think it is a good idea for us to move across country after all. He wants to keep me as stable as possible. He does not want to put added stress on me and the last 3 days I could hardly get up to feed myself much less pack and such. He has been very sweet taking care of me. Our marriage date is being held off as well then while we raise money to even get married, be able to move in somewhere together and so that I can have a RING and a DRESS. Even I wonder well, Why? Why do I feel I need these things? In God's scheme of things, of His love, the consistent continuing love that he wants us to have for each other, to respect each other, to give to one another and submit to one another under Him - seeking first His kingdom. Where are these material things even a part of that? They are not. Why then are they important to me?

Sure, when I was a little girl I had dreams of a marriage, my wedding (as all little girls probably do) but, from the movies. I never had my own original desire to even get married or even pictured myself doing so because it seemed like such a mistake from what I could see with my own divorced parents and abusive lifestyle. However, now I find, I just dont want to get married right away. I do not want to rush it because we are sick and yet we don't want to keep sleeping separately and not live together.. but that's a terrible reason to rush a ceremony. We talked about it and it all just feels wrong. Freeman WANTS to give me the ring and WANTS me to be able to wear the dress I want to wear, but I don't want to feel crawling in our wedding clothes. We've decided to wait. We don't want Morgellons to be part of our wedding memories or rushing it just because of our situation. We always said we were not planning the wedding because we were planning instead for the actual marriage. We have been working on our marriage way before the wedding plans came into effect, BUT its not planned. No, the "wedding" is NOT PLANNED. That's bad right? The irony is now I want it to be planned before rushing ahead. Yet, I'm tired. I have no energy to plan. We have zero money to do it the way we would both even want to. I have no energy to do it at all as I once did and would have taken on all aspects. His youthful energy (and low symptoms) is spent on working many hours so that I can have a place to live while he stays nights over at our friends house since we want to honor God before this marriage and do not sleep in the same place or fool around with one another.

Anyway, it's a strange week for me indeed. This has turned into a feelings rant, but I believe God will be with me and give me clarity.

How to Make Friends

Making friends as adults can be hard, since you may feel like everyone is too busy or people already have their sets of pals. When I moved to New York after college, I felt the exact same way. I'd walk by groups of female friends at restaurants and really wish I could join them. I felt really lonely.

Just Ask 'Em.
But then I realized: People really want to hang out. Even if they're busy, almost everyone LOVES being invited to dinners, movies, parties, whatever. (Don't you? We all do!) So they'll probably be very happy that you asked. If there is a girl you like, even if you feel nervous, just ask her to hang out. Say that you're going to see Rachel Getting Married on Sunday and ask if she wants to come along. (Picking an actual event and day is much easier than saying "we should hang out sometime" and then having it never happen.) Chances are that she will say yes--or, if she's busy, she'll suggest something later on. (Brunches are always a fun, casual activity to suggest, too. Who doesn't love pancakes?) But seriously, just do it! You'll be so glad later.

A tip for Daynya: If you feel weird about "hitting on" your yoga classmates, instead of asking them for a movie or dinner, ask them if they want to try yoga with you at a different studio, or if they want to join you for a walk in a park to stretch your legs, or if they want to go shopping for yoga gear. That way, it will seem like less of a departure from what you already do together. (Not that it would matter either way, but it might make you feel more comfortable.)

Choose Recurring Activities (Think: Project Runway).
Seeing people for a recurring activity is a great way to establish a real friendship (versus going on "dinner dates," where you just catch up on your lives, you know?) I've found that the BEST way to make new friends is to set up an event where you see them every week. The easiest way? TV! You can invite a few people over for Project Runway every week, or Top Chef, or whatever show you like. I've been watching Project Runway with the same people for the last three seasons and now we're fast friends (we barely knew each other at the beginning). By watching a TV show together, you see each other regularly, will have something entertaining to do together and will get to know each other better and better. Plus, you can chat more during reality shows (versus dramas) and place bets on who will win.

Take a Class (Especially Knitting).
Say you don't really meet any women day to day. Then sign up for a recurring class or a group. It may sound cheesy, but I've done this before and it really works: You can sign up for a series of cooking classes, a runner's group, a volunteering club or a swing dancing course. Knitting classes can be especially great since they're usually mostly women and have a very communal vibe. Classes are everywhere! Lots of them aren't too expensive. Then you will a) have something in common with these women, b) be in a fun group atmosphere, c) see them regularly for as long as the classes continue and d) be around people who are getting out there and probably want to make friends, too.

And, please, give your thoughts and ideas, too, my dears! How have you made female friends in the past? Do you wish you had more? Let us know what you think! xo

P.S. I would love to be friends with you all.



Read More http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2008/10/readers-dilemma-i-dont-have-an.html#ixzz1JQwsta49

My Past - confessions of a Limelight dancer

This made me smile. These faces are as familiar as my own. Shit man.. what a life I lived.

History Channel's The Bible - Sex, Lies and Violence Videotape

I normally don't care about stuff like this, but I got a verse in my head and it will not leave. I take this as a sign. So here I am writing in you once more bloggie.

I must begin this with a verse..because the Word is strong. 3 As He was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to Him privately, saying, “Tell us, when will these things happen, and what will be the sign of Your coming, and of the end of the age?” 4 And Jesus answered and said to them, “See to it that no one misleads you. 5 “For many will come in My name, saying, ‘I am the Christ,’ and will mislead many.

9“Then they will deliver you to tribulation, and will kill you, and you will be hated by all nations because of My name. 10“At that time many will fall away and will betray one another and hate one another. 11“Many false prophets will arise and will mislead many. 12“Because lawlessness is increased, most people’s love will grow cold.13“But the one who endures to the end, he will be saved.14“This gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all the nations, and then the end will come. Matt 24

"For false Christs and false prophets will arise and will show great signs and wonders, so as to mislead, if possible, even the elect. Matt 24:24

"But there were also false prophets among the people, even as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Lord who bought them, and bring on themselves swift destruction. And many will follow their destructive ways, because of whom the way of truth will be blasphemed. By covetousness they will exploit you with deceptive words; for a long time their judgment has not been idle, and their destruction does not slumber. 2 Peter 2:1-3
------------------------
The stories of the Bible meant to give hope, build character and teach us laws which prepare us for eternity, has recently become entertainment fodder for TV.

On the positive side, it has given a really nice look at the scenery of bible times, it has given us "visuals" and "voice" of what we as unbelievers, baby Christians (myself included) probably thought of the stories and God initially before we began to truly read, learn and LIVE the Word, accept Jesus and believe in God. It is very well done and gorgeously high budget imaging we had not yet seen before in this subject matter and yet have come to expect of any media. It has great acting, fantastic costuming and for these reasons alone I am not surprised it has become a top show watched on TV, though this brings up another rant I have about why/how and irony of a show (songs, clothing, books and freaking everything else, ugh) having to do with religion is SOOO popular. Like it or lump it, screw me. These are the times we live in.

On the negative side, how cleverly and beautifully cunning. Instead of the true story about God reconciling us to Himself, attempting over and over and over and over to love us while we generation after generation spit in his face, follow other "gods", and break his laws. Instead of being about ultimately, lovingly offering his own son as a sacrifice and that son holding out his hand offering to ALL and for FREE undeserved eternal life. The Bible (if you choose to believe and lol, "receive" this version) has become a sexy, gory, violence and vengeance filled story with supernatural beings. This is a story depicting the side of humans, behaving in their human ways, not God or His Ways. It's drama. The Bible has these things as well, do not mistake that! However to a lesser degree and reasoning and even wording different than what is shown in these 20 minute sound-bytes & snippets. When does the video game get released? I am half kidding.

Initially I was happy to see it rips off the actual "stories" of the Bible, and some generational persons, but then (through discernment?) I could see the History Channel's The Bible shows its true colors in what it omits, twists and completely is lacking in. It omits important facts, it twists the stories, and is almost completely lacking the actual words used in the Bible.

For anyone on the attack, I say "almost" because there are the token "quotes" which push along the story line and agenda. The actual (not the show) Bible could easily be quoted (there are a LOT of dialogue) and make the job of writers quite simple, but there is a conscious choice NOT to do so. Why? The Word is a sword used to save and rebuke. That is the main reason I believe it is sparsely used in the show.

The true wisdom of each of the stories is omitted - where only the skimmed surface (as a non-believer can do) remains and points made from the surface, probably as to not alienate the many types (non-believing, believing and other religion watchers) of History Channel viewers. That's media for you.

Episode by episode I have gone through the History Channels Bible and seen glaring lies that, though some would say are "small" still serve (serve who?) to paint a very different story of the Bible.

But, as the History Channel, show producers, statistics show, and anyone with a half a brain about media and attention spans knows, very few of the population actually READ their own Bible, even fewer will revert to it for the FACTS, or know what the Bible itself actually says. Those small few will probably see the facts they know and read to be distorted but not be enough of an amount to make "an impact" on overall viewing or sales.

This post is not for the many, it is for a very few. I shall uncover the truth. Everyone else, you can go elsewhere from this point on as you will undoubtedly not like what you read.

Shall we start with the story of Abram/Abraham?

the biggest room in the world is the room for improvement

I think I am going to go do something I have never thought to do and I am totally afraid of. I used to perform..and then..something happened...I lost faith in myself and i lost my love for music from the music business but this isn't about the music business anymore, this is me..the new me, I don't need music to speak to people. I've changed and much of it has been through God.

Um, yeah. So tonight I am performing live stand up comedy on a open mic stage. For the first time in my life, I am totally nervous and I don't know what to expect at all. I'm not funny, and have no experience or knowledge of this. I have to get over myself though. I have to move past these confidence fears I have, and what better way than to do something I am totally afraid of even thinking about or think I could NEVER do? I don't know what I love and I'm looking for my passion - then maybe it's time to do some things that I've never considered doing, it doesn't have to be comedy - its just a way to really stretch and see what I am capable of!

Resistance is caused by fear. How will I ever change and grow and improve if I don't get over my resistances? This week it is stand up comedy, joining a choir and helping men who are abusive. I am going to transcend, breaking free from self-imposed barriers. These new experiences are welcome, because then we know that we can always adapt and be as vibrant as we determine - I'm an adult now, "adults" many times are set in their ways, and fears not always open to possibilities. I want to be a diff adult. I am reminded about Paul in the Bible encouraging us to throw off things that hinder and run the race with confidence.

No matter what happens, it will be good as it's nonetheless a learning experience for me. God loves me and He is always looking out for me. I mean look at me. Look at me! People always tell me they are inspired by me, I now realize they are inspired by me for a reason. I am amazing because I do what I say I am going to do. If I was ever happy, I would never have achieved any of the things I have or worked for. I have more of a reason now to do music than I ever have.

What a difference in Family

East Coast

Your Family Is 79% Dysfunctional

Your family definitely has some major problems, and they're still effecting you today. It's time for you to step back, reassess, and decide what kind of role your family should have in your life. The people around you can be toxic, and there's no reason to let your family bring you down. Consider getting some therapy or talking the situation over with a good friend. And spend more time around people who truly care for you!

Is Your Family Dysfunctional?

West Coast

Your Family Is 30% Dysfunctional

Your family isn't perfect, but everyone's pretty good at working things out. There's probably been a bit of family drama in your past... and who's to say it's over? As long as your family communicates openly and respects one another everything should be fine. Everyone in your family does love one another. They just may not be so good at showing it.

Is Your Family Dysfunctional?

My Favorite Book

Day 3 or is it 4?? Anyway, so today my posting is that I am thinking of a favorite book. I actually have many favorites and books I enjoy. I am an avid reader and like many kinds of book. Fantasy, Research articles, Health, Sci-Fi, Crime, Biographies, and Self Help.

However, the one book that trumps them all for me lately in the last 4 years is The Bible. The book is an amazing guide for my life, my decisions and my choices as well as how to love.

Others may disagree and that is fine, but that is my all -time favorite because of the timeless and endless wisdom it holds inside.



What's yours?

My favorite TV Show

So this one is pretty easy cuz there is not much that comes close to it in my mind.
Law and Order: SVU -- Special Victims Unit.

I freaking love that show. Great acting, great characters, amazing stories and just over all awesomeness!!

What about you?