My significant moments

What were the significant moments that shaped you?

The moment I realized I was made to be hurt by others and unworthy of a defense.
The moment I realized I was “ugly”, “stupid”, “worthless” “bad” and a “loser”.
The moment I thought if my own parents can’t love me or would leave me, then so will anyone else.
The moment that I tried to commit suicide at 12 years old.
The moment that I left my home to try to be safe elsewhere.
The moment I first struck a guitar chord.
The moment that I was beaten and raped.
The moment that I realized no one will ever help me or be there for me. I am on my own.
The moment I first got high.
The moment that I had my first fight in HS.
The moment I watched the music awards and said I am gonna do that too.
The moment that I first let my voice come out “as is” and wholly accepted it.
The moment I first played a key on the keyboard.
The moment I first got onstage alone and performed for an audience.
The moment I had my heart broken for the umteenth time and gave up on "love".
The moment that I walked away from my years of struggling in music – trying to meet my own fame expectations.
The moment that I made large sums of money from a random song I barely took the time to write and compared it against my most loved and painstakingly written compositions and realized no one cares about those.
The moment I realized I could spend all the money I made and have nice things or really save it for when I may not have money in the future; and I consciously chose the latter. I continued working though I did not need to anymore.
The moment I made a conscious choice to stop doing drugs.
The moment that I left an abusive bf and realized my pattern of dating abusive men.
The moment Karin came to my house.
The moment I found God.
The moment I realized I am NOT alone!
The moment I surrendered my life to Christ.
The moment I realized I am not my own and was bought at a price and needed to be obedient to the Word of God.
The moment I realized that men should treat me and see me, the way Christ sees me and the tender way God loves me.
The moment I defended myself against harm and demanded change and got it.
The moment I decided I deserve better and went after it.
The moment I walked away from my record deal and decided I was not going to do music anymore.
The moment I walked onto the college campus nervous and determined.
The moment I got my first A and saw my GPA at 4.0 and determined to keep it there. The moment I met a boy who I could really be friends, be myself with and loved God as much as me.
The moment that boy and I kissed one random year later.
The moment that boy asked me to marry him.
The moment I realized not everyone is the same. Not every man is the same.
The moment I demanded higher pay and decided I would no longer accept less than what I am worth. Degree or not. 

The moment I realized I was bitten by something and contracted an illness that would further change the course of my life and choices. 

The moment that I was afraid to continue living in this new alien body. 

The moment that I realized I have to fight back and keep fighting against these things trying to take me out from inside me. 

The moment that I watched as the boy I chose battled everything right along side me, never complaining, never putting me down, never making jokes about me and always being a loyal faithful comfort and a help to me when he didn't even have to. 

The moment I realized I deserve this treatment and I want this for every sick and suffering woman out there.

The moment I shaved my head and thought I lost my woman hood and was still told by others I was attractive and beautiful.

The moment I threw away all my belongings and thought I would never get my things back and that I realized I dont need anything in life to make me happy, but God.

The moment I realized I am beautiful inside and don't need makeup or products for the worthy to see that. 

The moment I accepted my illness and the long term fight and began to work diligently at changing my lifestyle, food, and exercise my choice of company I will keep. 

...but are they my friends though?

For me, YES!  I started playing my video game again and once again I am meeting amazing people that I'd like to get to know more and I am spending more time with. I have never met these people face to face. It got me to thinking...can I call them my friends? I still keep in touch with my guildies and I have never forgotten them when I stopped playing \nor stopped talking to them completely. In person or not, I feel we do build real relationships. We do things in game that establish to others what kind of person we are. We share with one another, and defend one another, and confide RL stuff in one another and have countless special moments in game that are so beautiful and memorable. 

The fact that these people are listed as friends in-game doesn't mean that there is only one kind of person. Some people you confide in, take advice from and help in times of trouble are friends, no doubt. In game and IRL friends drift apart, but that is no proof that friendship does not exist. 

I've lost contact with a lot of people I knew in real life when I stopped having daily contact with them especially when becoming ill. You stop talking to your WoW/Second Life friends when you quit the game like you stop talking to your college friends when you finish high school and college or leave a job for a new one. We will still try to keep in touch, but it doesn't make you NOT friends. Neither of those things affects the definition of the word friend at all.

What do you think?

Paleo "Carbonara" Pasta

I've been unable to write as I once did since new medication the last  months so I am just posting the wonderful recipes I find around and modify. 

Paleo Pasta "Carbonara" 

1/4 c black bean pasta

1 zucchini (spiralized) 

1 egg 

1-2 pc organic turkey bacon or sugar free nitrite free "bacon"

1 tbsp sugar free tomato sauce or homemade 

Himalayan salt and pepper to taste 

Tools:

1 pan 

1 $4 spiralizer 

1 bowl

Directions: 

1. Cook "bacon" until cooked to your liking. 
2. Meanwhile, bring a small pan of water to the boil with coarse salt, add black bean spaghetti and zucchini pasta strips and cook for 3-4 mins. (Til al dente or texture your liking.) 
3. Crack 1 egg into a bowl and whisk.
4. Add salt, pepper, and parsley, etc reserve some for decoration if you like. 
5. Drain the "spaghetti" (black bean/zucchini) and return them to the same cooking pot.
6. Add in egg mix slowly and cooked bacon to the spaghetti and turning heat to high.
7. Stir all together frequently and cook for 1-2mins to pasturize the eggs (don't over cook it or you'll end up with scrambled eggs instead of a creamy sauce).
8. transfer to a serving plate and decorate with remaining and parsley if desired.
9. Serve immediately.

*a SPECIAL THANK YOU to queenketo for the original version. 

Sims 3 - My Deathnote Anime Sims

These sims I recently created are from watching the anime Deathnote. It was a well written series that I enjoyed. I have spent some time recently going through symptoms while watching anime and it has been very helpful thus far.

I've always loved anime, but within the scope of illness it has become very important as a part of self-care along with being in the Word, taking my meds, keeping to my diet and keeping hopeful.

With that here they are as well as the Wammy's House boys. I don't know yet how to upload them for download. I must figure that out. Thanks to NG Sims for the idea to recreate these guys!

Food is just food

A couple meals. Foods I've tried with no kitchen and some of my staple clean eats recipes.

Tea!

https://instagram.com/p/9JUogCohAd/

Turkey Zucchini Muffins 

https://instagram.com/p/9KWMXcIhAV/

"Cheese" Burger (Gluten Free Wraps or Coconut wrapped with Almond Cheddar "cheese" )

https://instagram.com/p/BAk3sKxohGf/

Almond flour Chicken "parm", Blk bean "pasta", org Shrimp, Tomato sauce, and paleo cookies w/ my avocado cacao "chocolate" pudding. (See, you don't "starve" on this diet!)

https://instagram.com/p/BBzfIEEIhN4/

Breakfast with 50% Raw - Turkey Bacon sugar free, Collard greens, Sprouts, Avocado, Cucumber with Olive Oil Lemon Salt Pepper Dressing

https://instagram.com/p/BCIMtmhIhHE/

3 cups Mixed greens and seeds/nuts Salad w hard boiled eggs and homemade goddess dressing.

https://instagram.com/p/BCgGb-DIhEL/

How I do Starbucks 

https://instagram.com/p/BCskYiqIhIj/

Post Workout Meal for the Gluten Free crew - Bison or Organic Beef Burger, Cauliflower "rice", Broccoli, Squash, salt, pepper, evoo, 1/4 slice avocado

https://instagram.com/p/BC1ZwJFohKV/

Vegan and Vegetarian Snacking is Delicious too!

Late night snack! "All I wanna know is, who's comin w/ me man"!? 

https://instagram.com/p/BEC-Y00ohCO/

Wraps for Days!  Collard green wrap, org eggs, org free range Thai spiced chicken cubes,  with Zucchini, Tahini/Hummus in a lemon & garlic sauce. 
Side: onions, tomatoes, peppers, radishes, cucumber, garlic, salt, lemon & olive oil dressing. 

https://instagram.com/p/BD5szkcohMk/

ILADS Educational Foundation Times Square Jumbotron #getlymesmart campaign

The Parking Space

This is a throwback oldie but goodie lesson.

The Parking Space
5/7/2013
So I was looking for parking the other day at school. I’m sometimes lazy and try like many others I am sure, to find the closest space to my classroom since my campus is huge. I also simultaneously have been looking for work that is high paying and that I will love and that is fun!

I am in between two job offers both of which I wanted very much.. and I had been going over and over them in my head. I was thinking that maybe I would choose one and then not like it; analytical thoughts.

I decide to drop it and leave it in God’s hands and not think about it. I drive to school thinking about my exam, getting an A on it and singing Marina and the Diamonds Electra Heart album. Normally there is a circling around romantically before I find a parking space and then I will either have to walk the long way to class but I always look for the space closest.

So I am driving down the street a second time and there is a parking space right across from my class!

I try to fit my car in and notice it is a little small, but I keep thinking I will try to fit anyway because it is so much closer. After a bit of maneuvering to try to fit the car in there.. I realize at some point I am just not going to fit into this space. I cannot park here. Damn it!

Then I drove down a little further and on the same side of the street, though now two, three more blocks from my class, is a parking space that was fit for a queen and my car fits in easily. I fit right in, no maneuvering into the parking space, no parallel parking skills to show off, no spending any more time trying to get it in there. I literally could just drive my car in.

Here I came to a realization immediately. I want to work for company (XYZ)! I felt it was like this parking space situation that was teaching me something. I fit there. I may not be at my goal, I may not love what I do yet, but this is a place where I fit in. If I go where I do not fit in there will be problems and experience has shown me that. I have had jobs where I did not fit and did not feel comfortable being who I am because I am unique and those environments were stuffy or fake or .. or.. something else.

I realized in that moment of parking which position to take. I am going to try to be myself at work, again. For so many years I have put on a suit and played the person that I created in that “power” suit. That person was not happy. I don't have to try to be something I am not.

Like that parking space, no matter how far it looks from your goal, sometimes things just fit and you realize when there is no struggle that that is exactly where you need to be at that time and not compromise who you really are.

Tonight's Meal

It's Friday night. Hurricane Matthew is passed My family in FL is safe and I feel so happy tonight! Whats a girl who is recovering from illness to do though? Go out and tear up the towns dance floors? No, we cannot do that at the moment. 

So with that...instead I will eat my dinner and Netflix and chill myself TO DEATH tonight with at least a happy tummy! lol

Here's the recipes below. I KNOW you would want to try these. :) Special thanks to Lisa and Amy for these! 

Dinner: 
A GIANT green salad fill with raw veggies. The below chicken salad and dessert. 

Paleo Basil Avocado Chicken Salad

Prep time: 15 mins                Cook time: 0 mins                 Servings: 2

Ingredients:

- 2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (cooked and shredded)

- 1/2 cup fresh basil leaves, stems removed

- 2 small or 1 large ripe avocado, pits and skin removed

- 2 Tbsp. extra virgin olive oil

- 1/2 tsp. sea salt (or more to taste)

- 1/8 tsp. ground black pepper (or more to taste)

Equipment:

- Food processor

- Stirring spoon

- Measuring cups and spoons

- Medium sized mixing bowl

Directions:

1. Place the cooked shredded chicken in a medium sized mixing bowl.

2. Place the basil, avocado, olive oil, sea salt and ground black pepper in a food processor and blend until smooth. You may need to scrape the sides a couple times to incorporate.

3. Pour the avocado and basil mixture into the mixing bowl with the shredded chicken and toss well to coat. Taste and add additional sea salt and ground black pepper if desired. Keep in the fridge until ready to serve.

Dessert: MEXICAN CHOCOLATE AVOCADO MOUSSE Author: Cook Eat Paleo Serves: 4-6 servings INGREDIENTS 2 ripe avocados ½ cup organic raw cacao powder ½ cup full fat coconut milk ⅓ cup local raw honey, to taste 2 teaspoons vanilla extract 1 teaspoon cinnamon, to taste ¼ teaspoon ground ancho chile, to taste INSTRUCTIONS 1.       Combine all ingredients in food processor and process until completely smooth. 2.       Taste and adjust seasonings. 3.       Spoon into serving dishes and chill to set. Here's mine. Share pics of yours! 🙂

Food Not Bombs - No. 75 - Solutions For Food Waste in America

2010 Me Profile - So Much Has Changed Since Lyme

This is just a excerpt from a profile I created a long time ago. Its interesting to look back and see all I was doing at the time and how different my life is now and my path has completely come to a stand-still with no game plan, no direction. Yet, I found the EXACT man I was looking for. =)

My Self Summary:
I have been offline cuz I am currently dating someone. We will see how it goes! I still want friends though. :D I have morals, love and respect for myself, other people and God. I consider myself interested in commerce as well as art. :P I'm interested in <> (male&female), NOT just lovers or boyfriends. I want to get to know people, not just sleep around. Guys AND girls. :P

I really know myself and what I want, so I am really good at getting what I want no matter how long it takes or how much work is involved to get there. I am a believer in God, really awesome, and I’m ftw. Win-win relationship dynamics, that is.

What I'm Doing With My Life:
Lately, I am working full time. I haven't really been on here as much, because I am also going to school full time (4.0 GPA), and trying to stay positive through life's little trials and lean on <> for all my understanding.

I am doing the very best I can in everything. I am experiencing all life has to offer. I am opening up to others. I am affecting people's lives little by little. I am God's little chocolate cake. I am currently looking for my 2nd calling/passion and I am having a great time learning about God's will for me, and my personal preferences. I am doing things I really enjoy!

I exercise by taking dance class 2 x a week, doing p90x, swimming, stretching, hiking PV, walking, weightlifting@24,& light yoga. I have fun by traveling around CA, snowboarding/skateboarding, beaching it lazily, jet-skiing, and love doin indoor stuff like mini golf, rollerskating, laser tag, movies, and definitely <> all night. Well in LA, that's only until about 1 am, and/or reading a good book.

I'm Really Good At: 
Hmm, what is my self-concept you ask? There are so many things I am good at. LOL. I do well at making people feel comfortable, telling me secrets, motivating others, learning things quickly, remembering names, singing, dancing, designing, playing musical instruments, creating structure in my life, writing, and reading minds (j/k, I am not interested in doing this, and never will be)

First Thing People Notice About Me;
My lips, voice, eyes and that I am a strong person. :) Later, they notice that I speak my mind, I have boundaries, confidence, and over time they notice I have a strong will and I'm extremely disciplined. If I am on the dance floor, they notice that I really don't care that they are even in the room. :P

Favorite Food, Books, Shows, Movies, Music:
MUSIC: Toby Mac, Capital Kings, Mandisa, Ra Ra Riot, BEATLES, Immortal Technique, Airborne Toxic Event, Shawn McDonald, The Sounds, theSTART, M.I.A., Na Leo, Spoon, Timbaland and all his beats, Pheonix, M-83, the yeah yeah yeahs, [[METRIC!!!]] Interpol, Copeland, She Wants Revenge, The Sounds, Paramore, Lesley Gore, Broken Social Scene, Modest Mouse, Alkaline Trio, VNV, The Stills, old 77 British punk bands, [[Mindless Self Indulgence]], Teegan and Sarah, 7 Seconds, Chingy, Caviar, the Weakerthans, Kaito, The Faint, <>, Pretty Girls Make Graves, Feist, Porcelain Black, CL, Boards of Canada, Plaid, Buckethead, Spacemen 3, Zappa, Jack Johnson, Janice Joplin, UK drum n bass, [[Pitchshifter]], Hive, Mum, Dirty Vegas, The Mars Volta, 6 Feet Under, Bjork, Radiohead, Portishead, The Cure, Ella Fitzgerald, <>, Frankie Valli & the 4 Seasons, WuTang Clan, LTJ Bukem, Tribe Called Quest, Shakira, Sleater-Kinney, La Ley, Telefon Tel Aviv, The Rachels, NIN, Nirvana, Manson, Missy Elliot, Ciara, Audioslave, Lincoln Park, Edith Piaf, Rodgers and Hammerstein, The Commodores, 4 Tops, Franki Valli 

FOOD: Italian, Thai, Japanese, and American.

MOVIES: City of God, Knocked Up, A Life Aquatic, Juno, This is England, Penelope, Into the Woods, 21, Narnia, Electric Dreams, Sweet Charity!, What a way to go, It's All Gone, Pete Tong, An Inconvenient Truth, Southern Belles, Just Friends, X-Men 3, Belle du Jour, V for Vendetta, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Happiness, Waiting, Grizzly Man, Final Fantasy 7, Serenity, The Little Mermaid, AntZ, Idiocracy, American Pop, Batman, Young Poisoner's Handbook, Secret of Nimh, City of Lost Children, A Nightmare Before Christmas, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas American Beauty, Basquiat, Oh Brother Where Art Thou?, American Psycho, Hitchcock, Anything Pixar, Me and You and Everyone We Know, Igby Goes Down, Alice in Wonderland, Trainspotting, Party Monster, 1991 The Year Punk Broke, Mulholland Drive, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Ferris Buller's Day Off, Romeo and Juliet, Better Living Through Circuitry, What to do in case of fire, Amelie, House of Fools, Mr. n Mrs. Smith, all Star Wars!, Dude wheres my car?, Howls Moving Castle, Wedding Crashers, Definitely Maybe, Bill and Teds ,Half Baked, Gangs of New York, Battle Royale, Fist of the Northstar, Akira, Ghost in the Shell, East is East, Lemony Snickets/Events, Lagaan, Richard Linklater films, Moulin Rouge, Chicago, Metropolis (1920 version)Minority Report, The Great Rock and Roll Swindle, any Monty Python, and Lord of the Rings, Shaun of the Dead, Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, Star Wars 1-6, Matrix 1-3, The Animatrix, 1408, Silent Hill, Resident evil 1, House of 1000 Corpses, Silence of the Lambs, Identity, A Scanner Darkly, I Am Legend.

TV/PODCASTS: CSPAN, Wonder Showzen, Comedy Central, History Channel, National Geographic (that's pretty much it for TV, I think its silly and kinda a time waster) / Ask A Ninja, Meditation and Yoga, Learning French

6 things I Could Never Do Without:
God & the Word,
water,
food,
the will to live,
family & friends,
sound and vision.

Shhhhh, I know, :P

I Spend Alot of Time Thinking About:
the world I live in and what is going on in it, computers and technological advances, the meaning of the Bible, money, and applying the new things I am learning every day.

On A Typical Friday I am: 
on Younow, at church, in my jacuzzi, surfing the web or learning/teaching myself something online, working, maybe out with friends, participating in a ministry, playing guitar/keys or songwriting, out dancing/singing, at a meeting, working out, playing [[World of Warcraft]] or Second Life or The Sims, or just reading/studying for my class on SATURDAY at 7 am.

The Most Private Thing I Am Willing to Admit: 
is I am online right now and on a Myers-Briggs personality test, I match 2% of the population being a ENTJ AND a Rational Field marshal type! If you don't know what this is, look it up, if you don't care, we probably already don't match. :P j/k

You Should Message Me/Get To Know Me If:
I am here just looking to meet people who are honest, have morals, self esteem, have concern for other people and mostly God.

The behaviors I am looking for are someone who does not make fun of people because it is not fun to them. Someone who is the type to give homeless people change or volunteer to feed them with me. A guy who stays in with their gf if she's sick, and who has the ability to listen to others openly without trying to change someone's mind to his way of thinking, is honest about everything (even the "bad" stuff) and who respects the words "No" and "I don't agree" in various contexts.

The person I would get along with has a genuine smile, is hard working, grateful and thankful for the things they receive/own and for the people they have in their lives. They care about the things they have put effort into. They do not find it fun to sit on a couch/bar stool for 6-8 hours and watch other people do what they could be doing themselves (if only they were sober or had the balls to try).

The person I would like to be friends with is someone who takes what life gives them, good, bad or otherwise, in stride, and exhibits sincere compassion maybe even utilizes prayer? The person I will be friends with does not subscribe to patriarchy or posture male privilege.

I want a man to be friends with and get to know. Someone who is a aware of themselves and their feelings. Into their health (a little) and the<>, traveling, and is at least open to trying new things they have not done before or are not the best at! 

The person I want to be friends with when faced with a real problem, headache or "issue" doesn't storm out, blame anyone else, throw things or threaten people. He uses his voice to calmly state his feelings on every issue and actively listens when spoken to.  He has the ability to say how he feels without resorting to the silent treatment, sarcasm, making fun of someone or yelling at people. He communicates his thoughts/feelings in a really cool and positive way!

My future friend is not trying to make their next sexual conquest here or anywhere else, nor has he something to prove to others or riding some roller coaster life of extreme and low self esteem-(ie. too much coffee/food, soda, lying, xtreme work, xtreme sports to the xtreme, women, sex, drugs, alcohol, depression, etc). You know the type. :P

I am looking for someone to hang out with that is confident and assertive. Someone who genuinely wants to get to know another person, not just try to have sex (of course he WILL hopefully think about it :P)(Gosh, that's a lot of commas, I'm over them, are you?)

This is the moment where you can say to yourself, "Hey, couldn't I just find someone else than this girl who wants all this from me that I am not?" For those of you narcissists out there who think that though you are nothing like the above desired description, but that I will fall for you anyway, you are wasting my and your/our time and I really don't care for your arrogance and pomp; so please don't IM me or email me. Thanks. :)

you are female: If you are honest. If you can show affection. If you really love yourself. If you don't subscribe to patriarchy. Message me if you care enough to call/text people back, you keep your word or are thoughtful and hold your commitments as bond. If you are loyal. If you are "real". If you are sober. If you try to affect change in the world and in yourself before pointing the finger at someone else.

Also, the option choice of 50 miles, 100, or 1000 miles away is all just too far for dating..I personally am not the LDR type. I live in CA, 50 miles is like a 3 hr drive w/ traffic (which there almost always is). Msg me if you are actually within 10-30 miles or we can just happily be e-pals!

Good luck to you all in life and love! Love takes time, trust, reliance, commitment, and empathic feeling work to keep strong - friendships are exactly the same, but why don't you start there and save your heart til it's ready? "true love is friendship on fire" baby.. 

My Music/My Past Life - My First Lyric Video - Conqueror

This is a lyric video I made for song I wrote called Conqueror. It is also my theme song for some parts of this channel since becoming ill with Morgellons, Lyme and its many other Co-infections.

This song was inspired by an early time in my illness when I was VERY fearful of what I would see coming from my skin. I was fearful of what would happen to me, my body, my life and what my future was going to look like not being able to care for myself.

However, I really think the lyrics reflect so many other situations where we can find ourselves in where we feel overpowered, fearful or insignificant and yet, we will STILL choose to fight and fight to win - to conquer.

This title was also inspired by the verse in the Bible (I believe it is Romans 8:35?)  that says:
"35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or distress or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  36  As it is written:  “For Your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”  37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

I mean wow, for me to hear (and believe) that we are "more than" conquerors while going through a very hard time in my life - it was just such a eye-opener and offers so much peace and hope.

What did I have to be afraid of other than God the Creator? No one and NOTHING. So in the middle of freaking out, I started singing these lyrics in my car and the song was born.

I used Movie Maker for my first time and I hope to get better over time. Please comment and like if you enjoy any of my efforts. If you like this song you can download it here

Thank you!

Today's Verse of the Day - 1 Corinthians‬ ‭6:12-20

-Today's Verse of the Day -

 “I have the right to do anything,” you say-but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”-but I will not be mastered by anything. You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.” The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But whoever is united with the Lord is one with Him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” ‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭6:12-20‬ ‭NIV‬‬&http://bible.com/111/1co.6.12-20.niv

Very important verse today. It makes me think of my situation and it also saddens me how many who call themselves Christians seem to take their way of living for Christ so lightly. We are the temple of His HOLY SPIRIT. Everything we do, speak, hear or watch with our senses should glorify Him. We no longer belong to ourselves to do whatever we want. What does this mean? Paraphrasing Paul lol, if you are single and looking for a relationship, HE IS your bf/gf. If you are married, HE IS both of your duty to serve Him, together, simultaneous to serving (yes men, being a servant to your wife) your spouse.

We are "saved by grace, not by works" but many misunderstand grace. Grace doesn't mean we can live whichever way you want or you can justify what we do and think/say "god agrees". Jesus said "if you love me, then DO as I say" if you love me, keep my commandments." He said "be holy like God the father is Holy." Paul also says we "are a new creation in Christ, we put away our old ways and live a life that is pleasing to God."

Paul specifically reminded us that grace doesn't mean that we aren't beholden to the Lord anymore or his early desires. I'm baffled when people say "Oh no, the Old Testament? No, we don't need to care/follow/those anymore." Um, what? Yes we do, we at the very least still TRY to because "God is not a man, that He should change His mind" "He is the same yesterday, today and forever." He deserves our best. So TRY being the operative word here, because EVEN IF we do as perfectly as we can, which is IMPOSSIBLE. His Word says we still can't be saved, unless we have accepted the grace. HE chooses, not us. He reads the hearts and intentions/minds. Not us.

The difference between the Old Testament and New is that Jesus came to take our sins so by accepting His sacrifice and surrendering to Him; ALL of our sins of the past are covered by his blood, and any sin present or future that we do is covered under the blood if we do it out of ignorance, but if we sin willfully God's Holy Spirit will deal with us so we can repent and turn.
If we don't repent and turn away after being convicted by Him, then we are in total rebellion of God and the Spirit and that's when we fall in danger of falling away from the faith, having "itchy ears", and heeding instead to the self, evil spirits, and ultimately the devil. Following instead "doctrines of demons."

It is ONLY because of Jesus that we may still FAIL at these attempts and YET still have grace and find rest and some peace. Jesus said "I came NOT TO ABOLISH the law..."& But people and sadly many Christians, conveniently miss that part. He "came to fulfill it" not do away with it, which means it still stands; he is the fulfillment of the acceptance of the fact that we will still sin, but those sins (for the believers) are now ATONED for by a gracious God. Jesus is the fulfillment of that law but not because it isn't important to God anymore. What was important to Him then is what's important to Him NOW!

 It seems to me so easy to understand; but so is seeing a red light, watching a movie, or reading a book cover is easy for a person with healthy vision and hearing, but probably almost near impossible for someone who has blindfolded themselves or allows themselves to be blindfolded and has loud music playing in their ears.

What is the law? Books discussing uneven scales, murder, sexual perversions with family members/rape, serving other gods, lying under oath, accepting and taking blood of others/animals, injustices, taking bribes, greed, impurity, seeking fortunes, divination, dark arts, idol worship, sorcery etc.

The New Testament speaks of these same characteristics not being saved, but in different wordings. That law hasn't changed because of Jesus coming! He is our ransom! Without Jesus' fulfillment, we were (those who do not believe still are) objects of wrath and sin which leads only to judgement and death everlasting away from God. We needed the fulfillment because we were (and ARE - take a look around at the world) doing those sinful things!

Even unknowingly we still sin! "All"& (not some) of us are accountable Jesus said and "will have to give an account" at the judgement. Not just "unbelievers" or the evildoers.&The only difference for us (follwers of Christ and DOERS of the Word) and others is that glorious GRACE!! &We accepted it, we believed, (some of us didn't even know why but it just made sense to us). We choose sheepdom; were convicted and then tried to turn from sins (and still do, I hope!).
The apostles kept the law. We are to keep the commandments of God still, we fail everyday. Sometimes without knowing and sometimes out of stubbornness we just don't want to obey God and we tend to justify ourselves somehow.

We are no longer under the rituals of the law of shedding the blood of animals because Jesus became are ultimate sacrifice and HE SHED blood, but the commandments of God still stand, not only the 10 commandments, but many others that teach us specifically how to treat others.&Many of these laws/things today are mocked in the media and many people in the world considers as "foolishness, legalistic, judgmental, & pure evil."

But I am reminded of why some are blindfolded and cannot hear. Who is "the ruler of the air"? Who is the "prince of this world"? In who’s "hands does it say in God's Word that the whole world is lying in"? Satan's.

Christ was hated, made to suffer for our sins, then was put to death horrifically and He rose from the dead! He "overcame even death." I'd say as His "sheep to that shepherd" we are in great company. This is an intense topic which some Christians go as far as calling us who believe in attempting at living a holy life, "legalistic". To many today, “legalism” is attempting to be living a life as children of light and in respect of of a just and merciful God, and not living one of darkness; this lifestyle is considered to be so bad. It’s sad but this mindset makes me feel like many Christians want comfortable Christianity, "give me lots of “blessing,’ but don't talk about sin!"

We need to talk about sin. Sin is the reason this world is in such a mess. Everything without God's spirit is mans’ spirit and ultimately Satan's. We find ourselves sad, hurt, confused and in pain because we don't talk about sin anymore and its consequences enough. Just &take a look at the world around us. Even atheistic unbelievers can see that something is going horribly wrong morally in the world.

As Christians I am called simply to speak of Jesus, to love and to pray earnestly for those who walk in darkness so that the light of Jesus may/will be revealed to them in His mercy. I hope that I am / can ever be an example that love, peace, wisdom, comfort awaits those who find the ONLY light inside me. Jesus.

World of Warcraft - I'm Baaaack!

In other news.. I can move today

Lyme Life - Update: July thru August -- C Diff, Full Moon, Cats, Herxes ...

An update to my last month before starting the Ivermectin. August has driven me absolutely nuts. Is it true it takes 5 weeks for Ivermectin to get into the system? What do you think?

Sentimental Saturday -- The Diet Edition

So as almost everyone knows who really knows me knows that I am eating a very specific diet for the last 2 years since contracting Lyme Disease, Morgellons, and 7 other co-infections. Now starting a new phase with my LLMD, it was interesting to look back (I have tracked almost every meal and symptomology over the last 2 years) and see what I initially thought "eating healthy" meant and was.

I have learned so much more about hidden sugars, GMO foods, how to read ingredients labels and more that its astounding to me that I thought I would get well in how I was originally eating?! I am forever grateful to my early mentor and brother Peter for leading me in the right direction and learning how the body digests foods and such. DO NOT EAT THIS WAY!  LOL 

With that here is a peek: 12/15/2014
SUGAR ADDICT STATUS: So far I am still refined sugar free and I believe I am at least a week or so with being strictly protocol sugar free-all the Praise to God!

I literally ran out of my extension kit and had to just rely on the diet for 4 days; no Candida Rid; there was 1 day there that I just ate sooo much coconut manna (coconut puree) and almond butter; it was very frustrating for me! This week I am shooting once again for only having the "sugars allowed" on protocol. I believe they are natural vegetable sugars, (excluding the ones in the GIycemic article), Stevia, Xylitol, and natural nut sugars (except mold/fungus nuts - peanuts, etc). Here is those weeks diet /symptom diary. Any tweaks or substitutions are welcome! I am in SoCal and near a Trader Joe's, a Whole Foods and a Rainbow Acres "health food" store. Spending roughly $80-$100 a week in food for Freeman and I. =/

12/8/14
B: 1 8 oz whey protein shake
L: 1 protein Vega vitamins shake
S: 12 Mary's Gone crackers, 1/2 avocado w lemon, 1 C Small salad
D: 17 Mary's crackers, 2-5 tbsp Earth balance Butter (GMO free/sf), 3 pc chicken in protocol tomato sauce- no skin, no salt

Symptoms: Ph at 9 am was 6.0. Some fatigue, Weight = 98 lbs. Sore muscles from other days workout, Itchy bites on neck. Still. Red itchy on belly where my clove oil/coco oil mixture was put.

12/9
B: 2 scrambled eggs (in coco oil), 8 oz greens drink (celery, spinach, collards, lettuce w garlic)
L: mixed greens salad w goddess dressing, Lemon water, 2 oz coconut chkn in liquid aminos
D: 1 can tuna fish (w spinach, lettuce, and black olives), 2 C almonds  =(
3-4 tbsp coconut manna, 1 oz ground turkey w thyme &; rosemary

Symptoms: crawling random (legs, belly, back, feet) and red rashes (hands/wrists) ) while working w my storage papers and throwing them all away. PH was 7.5 most of day. Sore muscles from a light cardio & pilates workout. red rashes/burning on wrists while driving and vacuuming the car went away within hour. Crazy crawling at night from 11-3 am.  :( I also slept in Freeman's unwashed blankets and sheets (we sleep separately before marriage) I felt like I was back to "cannot sleep through the night" status and so I took a Melatonin 3 mg. Slept a bit better after.

12/10/14
B: celery sticks (2 stalks), 1 1/2 tbsp almond butter
L: 2 C mixed greens salad (collards, spinach) w dressing (salt, pepper, lemon, evoo), 1/4 c cucumbers
1 C red beans, 1/4 c Mixed nuts,
D: mixed veggies, 22 Mary's crackers, Homemade Hummus (org soaked chickpeas, evoo, salt, lemon)

Symptoms: Lots of random crawling during day and couple bites on butt from stings through my pants?! Random headache level 3-4, thru out the day too...

12/11
B: none - missed my pills this am also! :(
L: 16 oz water, 1 desperate pkg Target almonds in sea salt  :( -- 2-3G sugar
D: 3 C mixed greens salad, 2 tbsp goddess dressing-0g, 1/4 C cucumbers, 3/4 C Brown rice pasta
1/8 c protocol Tomato "sauce", 8 oz amazing grass superfood greens drink-  0g sugar, Celery sticks
2 tbsp homemade hummus, 1 C mixed stir-fry veggies minus the carrots (steamed, not fried)
S2: 1/2 c mixed nuts

Symptoms: Very light daytime crawling- feet, belly, legs. Itchy on neck from red bumps/bites. Light sneezing today. PH was 6.75 at 10 am. PH at 8:30 pm was 7.0-7.5. Aux Body temp 8:30p was 97.6. Weight=105. Up from 4 days ago. Roommate has a virus & is coughing- took precautions to not share food/utensils. Roommate thinks I am weird for this protection. OK..uh how do I know this isnt contagious.?  Wiping all surfaces down as she leaves each room. EXTREME stomach pains tonight like cramps times a million after my MMS dosing.

12/12/14
B: brown rice puffs, 1/2 C Califia Coconut almond milk, Handful of mixed nuts,  Green tea w lemon
L: 1/2 steamed potato, Mixed veggie leftovers, 2 tbsp almond butter, 2 tbsp coconut butter
S: (with the kids) Celery sticks 7, 7 Baked Goldfish - 4 mini pretzels :( --  grrr!!
D: 1 can tuna, 2 tsp of protocol mayo, 1 1/2 C mixed greens salad, 1 C Mixed veggies
S: 1/2 serving coco grove yogurt, 3 tsp mixed nuts

Symptoms. Very light morning crawling on my back. Itching bites on neck. Ph at 11a was 6.5. Slept ok. Ph at 7.0 at 4 pm. Feeling tired and lil weak today, but will try to do a light cardio workout. BM back to normal colors. Type 2-3. Puffy under the eyes again today. Need to find a rebounder or substitute.  This afternoon I am extremely stressed about Freeman and our money situation,  us moving, not really having a wedding plan and him possibly leaving me here. I just want to end it all. I am hating my life now. Evening had more crawling beginning at clients house from 5 pm til bedtime. Once again I ate badly w sugar today at work. No refined sugar, but I just now had whole wheat flour (pretzels and goldfish) at my clients. 11 pm crawling Belly, arms and feet mostly; other areas crawling intermittently. Why does the crawling all seem to go to my belly first? What is in this belly?! Did I infect myself there first? I do remember early on it was always my feet that I felt major crawling and like a ticking/twitching like as if something was pushing out of them - or going to actually come out of my foot!! After work, I began at 13 drops of MMS. I feel extremely ill. My stomach pain is pretty intense right now after taking it! I feel like I have hardcore cramps. This extreme GI pain has happened exactly 3 times now since contracting this illness.

NOVEMBER  (was worse eating!)
11/3/14
B: Chia pudding w stevia, 1/2 Vegan gluten free Pumpkin muffin
D: almonds ( whole bag), Blaze- Gfree pizza 11" personal w/ Spinach, Blk Olives, Sugar free Tom sauce
S: 2 C vegan chili w peppers/onion, 1 Choc chip cookie, S: almonds

Symptoms: light crawling on back, neck, stomach. Extreme Pain in left side of belly for 3 hrs! Ate too much pizza or almonds!! Light Headache.

11/4
B: hb egg, 1/2 c Br cereal puffs gf/sf, Coco milk, Sausage stew soup w green veggies
L: salad w veg and lemon,evoo avocado dressing, 1/3 Salmon, Avocado mint ice cream w stevia
S: Lemon ginger tea, 1 Celery stem
D: curried lentils, Purely Elizabeth 1/4 c ancient grains w/ Buckwheat, millet, amaranth w flax, 1/4 c coco milk
Vega protein drink- 8 oz, 1 tbs dried nuts and fruit

Symfptoms: crawling during the day on back, stomach and shoulders and feet. Bumps on scalp. Biting in crotch. heavy oot crawling in/after shower.

11/6/14
B: eggs
L: salad mixed w dressing, Blk bean chips, 1/4 c Yogurt w granola n cranberry, Cheesecake Pumpkin cookie (1/2!)
Aged cheddar puffs (3)
D: beans, Chicken/Steak cilantro

Symptoms: strong heavy crawling feel on belly, arms, face tickle, legs. 

11/7/14
B: Deviled eggs, Granola w cran 1 tbsp, Greens drink 8oz, Turkey Meatloaf 2 pc, Tuna/cucumber mayo roll
Tortilla chips 2 c! , Gummy bear (1 bear)
D: Squash 1 c/Zucchini 1 c Broccoli 1 c veg medley, Onions, Lemon water

Symptoms: light crawling feeling on belly, arms, face tickle, legs. Good BM. Brown, soft. Good energy.

11/8 (forget stupid diet! I Give up!)
B: 1 jack in the box croissant, Cheese, Ham, Orange juice
S: Marys gone crackers sf/gfree
D: blaze gf pizZa w sugar free sauce vegan cheez spinach n pepperoni
S: "Vegan" oatmeal cookie, "Vegan Ice cream", 3 Vegan 1" truffle balls

Symptoms. HEAVY NIGHT CRAWLING Light Burning skin. Itchy ears. Itchy red bites/bumps. No BM.

11/9 - (not on diet anymore yay)
B: asparagus, Dressing, Marys gone sf/gfree crackers, Lentil soup
D: blaze pizza gluten free, Sf tom sauce, W/ cheese (dairy), BBQ sauce
1/4 Kale, greens and gf pasta pesto bowl

Symptoms: Heavier day time and morning crawling, skin burning hard throughout day, red rashes, 5 bite/pimple on back of head. Oh crap, I dont know if this is cuz off diet, its getting back again!

11/10 ( ugh, back on diet)
B: 2 eggs, Pesto and greens bowl (w no pasta), 1/2 Italian sausage
S: tea rooibos
L: mixed salad, Squash "pasta" w pesto and greens (w no pasta) 1/4 tsp tomato sauce
D: cauliflower piccata, Roasted asparagus
S: raw almonds (20)

Symptoms: body is going nuts.

11/11 /14
B: 2 eggs w italian veggie medley
L: coco chicken 2 pc, squash and steamed Broc, Spinach pesto sauce (spinach, evoo, pine nuts, vegan sf cheez, salt)
S: 1/4 of vegan 1" truffle ball (cinnamon)
D: mixed salad, Cucumber/tomatoes

11/12
B: Hb egg, Green tea w stevia, Kale sautéed
S: 2 raw cookies :'( why do I do this to myself?) 5 cookies choc chip :'(
L: zucchini w Tom sauce, Hot dog  (omg :( )

11/13
B: Hb egg -  2, Granola 1/3 c, Vegan truffle 1/4
L: Mixed spinach w iceberg, Coco Chicken (2), 
S: (at work) 1-2 c tortilla corn chips :(
2-3 c graham crackers chocolate :(
2 pumpkin pie cheescake cookies :(
1/2 choc chip cookie :(
4 fruit gummies
D: Ice cream vegan - 1-2 tbsp

Symptoms: night was heavy extreme crawling and biting on legs, feet, face, belly. It IS the damn food. I have to quit but dont know how?! I need help!

11/14 (try no sugar again today!)
B: 2 hb eggs
L: subway tuna salad (spinach, tuna, blk olives, lettuce, cucumber, tomatoes)  NO Subway DRESSING, no Subway BREAD.
S: 1/2 serving Coconut 1.5g yogurt w 3 tsp nuts (walnuts, almonds, sun seeds), 10 raw almonds, 1/4 c blueberries
D: 1/2 breast chicken w/ thyme n lemon, and 1/4 c pesto sauce, Zucchini, 1 Raw vegan cookie
Green tea

Symptoms: Immediate crawling (felt in car) possibly coyo or blueberries? Or yesterdays? Crawling on stomach and feet 4:30-6:30. Hcavy Crawling stinging rashes at night in and after showering. Ugh. 

Back on Magnifizyme, Candida Rid and Olive Leaf today. Btemp at 11 am was 95.9. PH was 6.5, BTemp at 6 pm was 96.9. PH at 9 pm was 7.0. Crawling randomly throughout the day again - belly and feet. Itching bites still on neck - still itching a lot its almost impossible not to scratch. Sprayed myself with MMS then showered and used Kleen Green and just put clothing on top of it. Used MMS in my shoes when I felt crawling in the car - stopped. Some increasing and decreasing random GI pains throughout the day today. Increasing heavy night crawling and felt a burning on my chest sensation. A new unusual symptom. Lots more specks. The burn hurt a bit more than the ones I sometimes get on my burning hands.