Sunday, April 20, 2008
I've fucking had it, what a fucking...
Ugh. I have told Chris to fuck off. I can't believe he is still trying to fucking contact me! He better stop after the email I sent him below.
On Sat, Apr 19, 2008 at 7:42 PM, S wrote:
Dear Chris,
You asked "what do I think?" 4 main thoughts jump out for me really.
1) I think if you were serious about giving me money and forgiveness, respect and compassion by making amends you might have respected my "No" already, and have instead asked who to contact to arrange a pickup or dropoff instead and left it that? The contact will of course always be K*** - her email is above should you so choose to try to show goodwill after reading this email.
2) I think you need to respect that I do not want to see you in person at this time.
3) I think I already forgave you, it's time for us to start getting used to life without one another.
4) I think you need to stop emailing me.
On Sat, Apr 19, 2008 at 7:42 PM, S wrote:
Dear Chris,
You asked "what do I think?" 4 main thoughts jump out for me really.
1) I think if you were serious about giving me money and forgiveness, respect and compassion by making amends you might have respected my "No" already, and have instead asked who to contact to arrange a pickup or dropoff instead and left it that? The contact will of course always be K*** - her email is above should you so choose to try to show goodwill after reading this email.
2) I think you need to respect that I do not want to see you in person at this time.
3) I think I already forgave you, it's time for us to start getting used to life without one another.
4) I think you need to stop emailing me.
Words and more words to manipulate - blah blah
On Sat, Apr 19, 2008 at 8:24 AM, chris mondor wrote:
If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal. And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge;If I have all faith so as to move a mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, [Love] is not pompous, it is not rude, it does not seek it's own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things endures all things.
Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing. For we know partially and we prophesy partially, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things.
At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known. So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
I didn't copy and paste this, I read it a few times, then typed it. You are right, this wasn't the love I was given, nor was it the love I was giving. This is how i will love from now on. I can see how my love falls short of this description. I can also see how similar my love already is.(Um, hopefully for the Veggie Grill girl or for some other guy/girls) (she was cute, too bad she will be bruised on arms/legs in a couple months time) I have forgiven you and am trying to make amends, starting with the money I've given you, followed by the patience and respect you have received and will continue to get. You wouldn't be in harms' way,(except for the fact that he keeps contacting me) I have nothing but Love for you,(his idea of "Love" and my idea are very different) no anger, no jealousy, I have forgiveness, respect and compassion (compassion, really? why are you still emailing me then? You should be grateful I'm not turning you in or taking legal actions and leave me alone) for you. I would like to apologize and express a few other things (like Power Over) and listen to what you would like to say. (Um, I said everything, you just never heard me)
There is no shame in forgiveness. (yep, thats why with God's help, I am going to forgive you) I think talking for a little bit then going back to not communicating for the rest of the time ("rest of the time", little do you know is for my adult life, after 60 days you wont even remember me LOL - you'll be too busy fucking the pain away) would help both of us a great deal.
What do you think?
-c
We all love to talk about love in the abstract, but the depth of our commitment to it is revealed in our willingness and ability to forgive. It is the true measure of what sort of warrior we really are, in the kingdom of God. No matter what accusations the Enemy may make, forgiveness drowns them in the blood of Jesus, and turns the bullets of his words into butterflies. That is why forgiveness and walking in love cannot be mere options for the Christian. Either we do it, or we don't. If we don't, we deceive ourselves that we are Christ's followers. If we want to follow Jesus then we must walk where He walked. We must forgive as He forgives and love as He loves. The simplicity of this gospel is the only thing that can and will transform us--and the world! (more talk, no action to back it up-mind you this guy isn't even Christian-he's a manipulative liar and trying to invoke my original emotional feeling for him.)
Interpretation: The entire first paragraph, and last paragraphs = pure shite - he does NOT show any of this in even current actions.
If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal. And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge;If I have all faith so as to move a mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, [Love] is not pompous, it is not rude, it does not seek it's own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things endures all things.
Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing. For we know partially and we prophesy partially, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things.
At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known. So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
I didn't copy and paste this, I read it a few times, then typed it. You are right, this wasn't the love I was given, nor was it the love I was giving. This is how i will love from now on. I can see how my love falls short of this description. I can also see how similar my love already is.(Um, hopefully for the Veggie Grill girl or for some other guy/girls) (she was cute, too bad she will be bruised on arms/legs in a couple months time) I have forgiven you and am trying to make amends, starting with the money I've given you, followed by the patience and respect you have received and will continue to get. You wouldn't be in harms' way,(except for the fact that he keeps contacting me) I have nothing but Love for you,(his idea of "Love" and my idea are very different) no anger, no jealousy, I have forgiveness, respect and compassion (compassion, really? why are you still emailing me then? You should be grateful I'm not turning you in or taking legal actions and leave me alone) for you. I would like to apologize and express a few other things (like Power Over) and listen to what you would like to say. (Um, I said everything, you just never heard me)
There is no shame in forgiveness. (yep, thats why with God's help, I am going to forgive you) I think talking for a little bit then going back to not communicating for the rest of the time ("rest of the time", little do you know is for my adult life, after 60 days you wont even remember me LOL - you'll be too busy fucking the pain away) would help both of us a great deal.
What do you think?
-c
We all love to talk about love in the abstract, but the depth of our commitment to it is revealed in our willingness and ability to forgive. It is the true measure of what sort of warrior we really are, in the kingdom of God. No matter what accusations the Enemy may make, forgiveness drowns them in the blood of Jesus, and turns the bullets of his words into butterflies. That is why forgiveness and walking in love cannot be mere options for the Christian. Either we do it, or we don't. If we don't, we deceive ourselves that we are Christ's followers. If we want to follow Jesus then we must walk where He walked. We must forgive as He forgives and love as He loves. The simplicity of this gospel is the only thing that can and will transform us--and the world! (more talk, no action to back it up-mind you this guy isn't even Christian-he's a manipulative liar and trying to invoke my original emotional feeling for him.)
Interpretation: The entire first paragraph, and last paragraphs = pure shite - he does NOT show any of this in even current actions.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Scraps anyone? (trigger warning: sexual talk)
So here I am minding my own business, getting over it, and out of nowhere Chris comes back with the below email.
From Chris:
“How come you wouldn't want to? I would like you to reconsider, there isn't anything to be afraid of. It doesn't have to be for long, maybe coffee or something in public? We can both agree I've respected your boundaries thus far which should indicate my respect and Love for you, (through my actions.) Please allow me to express some things in person, I promise none of what i have to say is rude, violent or disrespectful. I've been alone with my thoughts and have a "burning desire" if you will. FYI, I haven't been with anyone, nor been comforted by any women, I've been reflecting. My donation isn't contingent on us meeting either, so please don't feel that I'm using money as leverage.
Also, Karl and I's good friend died last Saturday in Thailand.”
-c
Which actually means:
How come you wouldn't want to? (after I have abused you for a year) I would like you to reconsider, there isn't anything to be afraid of. It doesn't have to be for long, maybe coffee or something in public? We can both agree I've respected your boundaries (because I have been looking for other girls and masturbating and getting high ALOT) thus far which should indicate my respect and Love for you, (through my non-actions.) Please allow me to express some things in person (I know I had a year of your time to do this) , I promise none of what i have to say is rude, violent or disrespectful. I've been alone with my thoughts and have a "burning desire" (let me try to con you with something your religious self believes in) if you will. FYI, I haven't been with anyone, nor been comforted by any women, I've been reflecting (while updating my personal ads). My donation isn't contingent on us meeting either, (unless we're not gonna have ex sex or you aren't gonna see me) so please don't feel that I'm using money as leverage. <--this a="" and="" as="" because="" been="" but="" for="" has="" he="" here="" is="" it="" leverage.="" lies.="" looking="" money="" of="" opposite="" others="" right="" saying="" sentence="" span="" states="" the="" truth="" using="" what="">
Also, Karl and I's good friend died last Saturday in Thailand. (in his language this means "Feel sorry for me, so intimacy maybe?")
-c
-----------------------------------------
The above letter arrived yesterday being from the same man who recently updated this below sex personals concurrently. I know this because I created a ad long ago on the same site to keep an eye.."makeuluvme3"-oh how sad it was with him. :(
26 year old Man in Manhattan Beach, California
Looking For: Men, Women, Couples (2 men) or TS/TV/TG for Discreet Relationship, Intimate Relations
Profile for geekyfreak81
26/m/Cancer (husky/handsome) friendly, honest, open, humorous, down-to-earth. looking for anything safe. open minded. Non-abusive/non-controlling/non-violent, honest, mellow, passive, stress-free, sensual, very open sexually. Thanks for reading, please flirt or email soon. I'm fun and enjoy non-adult fun with honest, reliable people just as much!
Enjoy,
-c
My Ideal Person:female(s) - clean, discrete or open, up-front, sensual, patient, non-abusive, non-aggressive, honest, humble. Not picky with shape, prefer more than not :) anal not a requirement, but a plus if you like.
Here is the truth:
Profile for geekyfreak81
26/m/Cancer (husky (300 lbs/larger than most)/handsome) friendly, honest (liar), open, (open to affairs, illegal activities and drugs) humorous (he means making fun of you), down-to-earth (very very very down and degen). looking for anything safe (someone compliant and dumb). open minded. (open to trying to manipulate your mind) non-abusive/non-controlling/non-violent (IT IS ALMOST LAUGHABLE THAT HE CAN SAY THIS - HE NEEDS JAIL TIME), honest (no, really, I am!), mellow, passive (passive-aggressive), stress-free (he means you will be the one with stress because hes am totally irresponsible), sensual, very open sexually.(he means he’ll have sex with you and many, many others - with or without you)
I prefer a little touching and licking first! Also I enjoy all things, especially the giving (of blowjobs cuz he goes both ways). Looking for encounters with more feminine than not males. I don't need anyone with patience for now as I'm just now getting comfy with things inside me (he means ram my ass pls so I can feel young again and simultaneously learn to resent you as you remind me of my childhood).
From Chris:
“How come you wouldn't want to? I would like you to reconsider, there isn't anything to be afraid of. It doesn't have to be for long, maybe coffee or something in public? We can both agree I've respected your boundaries thus far which should indicate my respect and Love for you, (through my actions.) Please allow me to express some things in person, I promise none of what i have to say is rude, violent or disrespectful. I've been alone with my thoughts and have a "burning desire" if you will. FYI, I haven't been with anyone, nor been comforted by any women, I've been reflecting. My donation isn't contingent on us meeting either, so please don't feel that I'm using money as leverage.
Also, Karl and I's good friend died last Saturday in Thailand.”
-c
Which actually means:
How come you wouldn't want to? (after I have abused you for a year) I would like you to reconsider, there isn't anything to be afraid of. It doesn't have to be for long, maybe coffee or something in public? We can both agree I've respected your boundaries (because I have been looking for other girls and masturbating and getting high ALOT) thus far which should indicate my respect and Love for you, (through my non-actions.) Please allow me to express some things in person (I know I had a year of your time to do this) , I promise none of what i have to say is rude, violent or disrespectful. I've been alone with my thoughts and have a "burning desire" (let me try to con you with something your religious self believes in) if you will. FYI, I haven't been with anyone, nor been comforted by any women, I've been reflecting (while updating my personal ads). My donation isn't contingent on us meeting either, (unless we're not gonna have ex sex or you aren't gonna see me) so please don't feel that I'm using money as leverage. <--this a="" and="" as="" because="" been="" but="" for="" has="" he="" here="" is="" it="" leverage.="" lies.="" looking="" money="" of="" opposite="" others="" right="" saying="" sentence="" span="" states="" the="" truth="" using="" what="">
Also, Karl and I's good friend died last Saturday in Thailand. (in his language this means "Feel sorry for me, so intimacy maybe?")
-c
-----------------------------------------
The above letter arrived yesterday being from the same man who recently updated this below sex personals concurrently. I know this because I created a ad long ago on the same site to keep an eye.."makeuluvme3"-oh how sad it was with him. :(
26 year old Man in Manhattan Beach, California
Looking For: Men, Women, Couples (2 men) or TS/TV/TG for Discreet Relationship, Intimate Relations
Profile for geekyfreak81
26/m/Cancer (husky/handsome) friendly, honest, open, humorous, down-to-earth. looking for anything safe. open minded. Non-abusive/non-controlling/non-violent, honest, mellow, passive, stress-free, sensual, very open sexually. Thanks for reading, please flirt or email soon. I'm fun and enjoy non-adult fun with honest, reliable people just as much!
Enjoy,
-c
My Ideal Person:female(s) - clean, discrete or open, up-front, sensual, patient, non-abusive, non-aggressive, honest, humble. Not picky with shape, prefer more than not :) anal not a requirement, but a plus if you like.
Here is the truth:
Profile for geekyfreak81
26/m/Cancer (husky (300 lbs/larger than most)/handsome) friendly, honest (liar), open, (open to affairs, illegal activities and drugs) humorous (he means making fun of you), down-to-earth (very very very down and degen). looking for anything safe (someone compliant and dumb). open minded. (open to trying to manipulate your mind) non-abusive/non-controlling/non-violent (IT IS ALMOST LAUGHABLE THAT HE CAN SAY THIS - HE NEEDS JAIL TIME), honest (no, really, I am!), mellow, passive (passive-aggressive), stress-free (he means you will be the one with stress because hes am totally irresponsible), sensual, very open sexually.(he means he’ll have sex with you and many, many others - with or without you)
I prefer a little touching and licking first! Also I enjoy all things, especially the giving (of blowjobs cuz he goes both ways). Looking for encounters with more feminine than not males. I don't need anyone with patience for now as I'm just now getting comfy with things inside me (he means ram my ass pls so I can feel young again and simultaneously learn to resent you as you remind me of my childhood).
<--this a="" and="" as="" because="" been="" but="" for="" has="" he="" here="" is="" it="" leverage.="" lies.="" looking="" money="" of="" opposite="" others="" right="" saying="" sentence="" span="" states="" the="" truth="" using="" what="">
<--this a="" and="" as="" because="" been="" but="" for="" has="" he="" here="" is="" it="" leverage.="" lies.="" looking="" money="" of="" opposite="" others="" right="" saying="" sentence="" span="" states="" the="" truth="" using="" what="">“I have a car (HE HAD a car, and just like everything he "loves" there was no maintenance by him, so it broke down) and love stopping by at all hours of the day and night. I'm very punctual and respectful. I have a place (a room with dog hair) in Manhattan Beach that we can use at lunch nearly everyday, and I want it everyday, so don't bother calling, just come and see who else shows up. (I'm totally disease free, for now but since anyone can come in me, on me, and I don't discriminate at all because I'm an addict, who knows?)
Still interested, I'm waiting.”
“Thanks for reading, please flirt or email soon (cuz I'm already turning to TV's but I'd like a real woman to show to my parents). I'm fun and enjoy non-adult fun (I'm emotionally unavailable-sort of like a child) with honest, reliable people just as much!
Enjoy,
c”
His “Ideal” Person Interpreted: his “ideal” is a non person, someone weak (non-aggressive, non-abusive) who has no physical boundaries that he can abuse and lie to, that will take all my shii. Patient because I am a drug addict and irresponsible with my money, with no intent of ever changing. Anal raping me is a total plus but since you will be "humble, dumb and weak, I'll prob just cheat on you with a guy or girls. Be reliable, let's just fuck all the time - only my needs matter!
Enjoy, (being suckered by me)
c (I use lowercase because I know what a jerk I can be sometimes and I have low self esteem.)
Yes, I was with that person and loved that person, and I accepted those things about them, and thought that was all I deserved and could ever want. How sad it was with him, I would never go back knowing what I know now, and finally after 17 years having some self esteem & more strength - learning I don't deserve bad treatment at all. I feel so very lucky.
Upon rereading this entry though it’s all true, it is written with some resentment.
Still interested, I'm waiting.”
“Thanks for reading, please flirt or email soon (cuz I'm already turning to TV's but I'd like a real woman to show to my parents). I'm fun and enjoy non-adult fun (I'm emotionally unavailable-sort of like a child) with honest, reliable people just as much!
Enjoy,
c”
His “Ideal” Person Interpreted: his “ideal” is a non person, someone weak (non-aggressive, non-abusive) who has no physical boundaries that he can abuse and lie to, that will take all my shii. Patient because I am a drug addict and irresponsible with my money, with no intent of ever changing. Anal raping me is a total plus but since you will be "humble, dumb and weak, I'll prob just cheat on you with a guy or girls. Be reliable, let's just fuck all the time - only my needs matter!
Enjoy, (being suckered by me)
c (I use lowercase because I know what a jerk I can be sometimes and I have low self esteem.)
Yes, I was with that person and loved that person, and I accepted those things about them, and thought that was all I deserved and could ever want. How sad it was with him, I would never go back knowing what I know now, and finally after 17 years having some self esteem & more strength - learning I don't deserve bad treatment at all. I feel so very lucky.
Upon rereading this entry though it’s all true, it is written with some resentment.
<--this a="" and="" as="" because="" been="" but="" for="" has="" he="" here="" is="" it="" leverage.="" lies.="" looking="" money="" of="" opposite="" others="" right="" saying="" sentence="" span="" states="" the="" truth="" using="" what="">
<--this a="" and="" as="" because="" been="" but="" for="" has="" he="" here="" is="" it="" leverage.="" lies.="" looking="" money="" of="" opposite="" others="" right="" saying="" sentence="" span="" states="" the="" truth="" using="" what="">Oooh, help me be strong and fill me with forgiveness Lord for I am clearly feeling resentful and so angry at him for all that he’s done to me and lied about.
<--this a="" and="" as="" because="" been="" but="" for="" has="" he="" here="" is="" it="" leverage.="" lies.="" looking="" money="" of="" opposite="" others="" right="" saying="" sentence="" span="" states="" the="" truth="" using="" what="">
<--this a="" and="" as="" because="" been="" but="" for="" has="" he="" here="" is="" it="" leverage.="" lies.="" looking="" money="" of="" opposite="" others="" right="" saying="" sentence="" span="" states="" the="" truth="" using="" what="">I am sorry but this is my blog and I’m just letting it all out here where it’s safer.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Grateful List
4/18/08
Today I am grateful for:
He had asked as I was reading, "You like Science? I said "No, and please I do not want to be interrupted in my reading, and instead of leaving me alone, he said, "Well, no one does. "So you like to read about technology? Why are you in this section?" At this continuation and disrespect of my request, I got up and walked away from him! At Scene 1! (see The Notebook entry for this reference)ME!?! I did that. =)
2) Then there was the karaoke incident when I firmly told the guy who had casually tried to put his arm around me"Do not ever touch me, you do not know me and I do not want you to touch me in any way" "You are a stranger, I am not your friend". In the past, because I was invaded, I would let anyone touch me, as if it were ok, not having knowledge or respect for my own body/person and not realizing I have a complete choice in who touches me, how, and who doesn't - FOREVER. I realize this is where I end, and you begin. There is a line. A boundary.
3) Then there was yesterday when I had visited with one of the girls for a hug and thought to myself "am I supposed to stay because they are being nice to me?" I realized to myself "No, I do not need to remain here as I would have in the past, out of an obligatory or approval seeking feeling. My "thank you" is either cherished as gratitude or it isn't. People are supposed to be nice to me. They have things to do, as do I. They either will be my friends or they won't. There is no rush. No approval seeking. (Recognizing the need for space of my own and recognizing if they don't appreciate my gratitude then I probably do not need to consider them as "friends" yet!)
Today I am grateful for:
- being able to begin a relationship with GOD, as friend and love.
- having Karin as a true friend and in Christ
- having the self esteem to leave an "toxic" and verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive relationship (Chris)
- growing boundaries with strangers (I am so proud of myself of this lately!)
He had asked as I was reading, "You like Science? I said "No, and please I do not want to be interrupted in my reading, and instead of leaving me alone, he said, "Well, no one does. "So you like to read about technology? Why are you in this section?" At this continuation and disrespect of my request, I got up and walked away from him! At Scene 1! (see The Notebook entry for this reference)ME!?! I did that. =)
2) Then there was the karaoke incident when I firmly told the guy who had casually tried to put his arm around me"Do not ever touch me, you do not know me and I do not want you to touch me in any way" "You are a stranger, I am not your friend". In the past, because I was invaded, I would let anyone touch me, as if it were ok, not having knowledge or respect for my own body/person and not realizing I have a complete choice in who touches me, how, and who doesn't - FOREVER. I realize this is where I end, and you begin. There is a line. A boundary.
3) Then there was yesterday when I had visited with one of the girls for a hug and thought to myself "am I supposed to stay because they are being nice to me?" I realized to myself "No, I do not need to remain here as I would have in the past, out of an obligatory or approval seeking feeling. My "thank you" is either cherished as gratitude or it isn't. People are supposed to be nice to me. They have things to do, as do I. They either will be my friends or they won't. There is no rush. No approval seeking. (Recognizing the need for space of my own and recognizing if they don't appreciate my gratitude then I probably do not need to consider them as "friends" yet!)
- growing awareness of God's purpose for me
- eating/caring for myself with zest for Jesus
- Shawn McDonald songs/inspiration
- feeling safe in my home
- feeling someone is "listening"
- this back pain being a call to action and need for change
- books I own
- my computer
- a new feeling of "resentment" at people who treat me badly or try to control me (meaning its no longer "acceptable" or the "norm" :)
- being able to give to others in need
- my honesty
- my self will
- still being alive to witness the beauty around me
- my family
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
So much for
Well, so much for going to see a Chiro and a Phys Therapist. The pain in my back has accumulated to egregious emergency room proportions! I will be spending my day here in a stretcher.
I am actually experiencing pain in one specific place (lower right-middle side of my back) and one Chiro has told me I may have a kidney infection and they will not be able to treat me until that is cleared first then I may begin treatments.
I have been bleeding a lot again recently (see January 17th entry) and I thought it would go away, but it has not. Something is up and I don't know what it is. Nonetheless, I have no job, no money, I am disabled and have only two friends right now. God, and Karin.
What a time this is. I have been tempted to run back to a bad situation about once or twice, but with God's help and love I am standing strong for my own self love/care and continuing to save my own life by not being in that relationship.
Those of you who believe, please pray for me. Those of you who don't - wish me "luck". :)
I am actually experiencing pain in one specific place (lower right-middle side of my back) and one Chiro has told me I may have a kidney infection and they will not be able to treat me until that is cleared first then I may begin treatments.
I have been bleeding a lot again recently (see January 17th entry) and I thought it would go away, but it has not. Something is up and I don't know what it is. Nonetheless, I have no job, no money, I am disabled and have only two friends right now. God, and Karin.
What a time this is. I have been tempted to run back to a bad situation about once or twice, but with God's help and love I am standing strong for my own self love/care and continuing to save my own life by not being in that relationship.
Those of you who believe, please pray for me. Those of you who don't - wish me "luck". :)
Monday, April 14, 2008
Doctors office
So today I went to see a doctor about my back and physical therapy, tomorrow and Wed I will see two more. I am bargain hunting for care. :( How sad.
As I trudge in pain from place to place, I think of Chris, and what he has done to me. I wish I could get him to see why he should help me pay for this.
I am hoping that I can afford to treat myself in the coming month soon because if not I may be stuck this way. The doctor apparently goes to my same church but seems prideful and arrogant, which is NOT Christ-like or Christian.
However, the center seems to have a lot of "things", people and machines to heal and one lone DRX9000 machine. Nonetheless, I will look into the others and decide on my best course of action with the will of God and my own sparse pocketbook. I have been denied unemployment AND disability. Homeless services are all I may have left.
Please look kindly on me Lord.
As I trudge in pain from place to place, I think of Chris, and what he has done to me. I wish I could get him to see why he should help me pay for this.
I am hoping that I can afford to treat myself in the coming month soon because if not I may be stuck this way. The doctor apparently goes to my same church but seems prideful and arrogant, which is NOT Christ-like or Christian.
However, the center seems to have a lot of "things", people and machines to heal and one lone DRX9000 machine. Nonetheless, I will look into the others and decide on my best course of action with the will of God and my own sparse pocketbook. I have been denied unemployment AND disability. Homeless services are all I may have left.
Please look kindly on me Lord.
This life is a test..
So this day is a great morning to give some praise! I am crying out in pain! My back is hurting so much right now, but I am going to get the strength to go out there today and see the glory of God in the sky, on the earth and the water and know that this pain and the actions of a wicked man, too "shall pass".
http://free.napster.com/view/album/index.html?id=10901867
(hear this great song!)
Gravity
Written by Shawn McDonald and Chris Stevens
The ways of this world are grabbing a hold
Won't let me go, won't let me fly by
It takes it's toll down on my soul
‘Cause I know what I need in my life
Don't let me lose my sight of You
Don't let me lose my sight
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me on down
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me to the ground
This world keeps making me cry
But I'm going to try, going to try to fly, going to fly high
Don't want to give into the sin, want to stay in You ‘til the end
Don't want to lose my sight of You
Don't want to lose my sight
I want to fly
Into the sky
Turn my back on this old world
Leave it all behind
This place is not my home
It's got nothing for me
Only leaves me emptiness
And tears in my eyes
http://free.napster.com/view/album/index.html?id=10901867
(hear this great song!)
Gravity
Written by Shawn McDonald and Chris Stevens
The ways of this world are grabbing a hold
Won't let me go, won't let me fly by
It takes it's toll down on my soul
‘Cause I know what I need in my life
Don't let me lose my sight of You
Don't let me lose my sight
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me on down
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me to the ground
This world keeps making me cry
But I'm going to try, going to try to fly, going to fly high
Don't want to give into the sin, want to stay in You ‘til the end
Don't want to lose my sight of You
Don't want to lose my sight
I want to fly
Into the sky
Turn my back on this old world
Leave it all behind
This place is not my home
It's got nothing for me
Only leaves me emptiness
And tears in my eyes
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Take this Anger from Me
This morning I am in great pain and hating Chris for hurting me, because I could be going to the Getty today with the girls had I not been hurt by him. Ugh. I am back at square one. Back in bed and disabled.
I want to have someone break his fucking legs. I know this is wrong to think about but I am so hurt and in pain.
I want to have someone break his fucking legs. I know this is wrong to think about but I am so hurt and in pain.
Friday, April 11, 2008
OMG!
Today I am in so much pain! It really just hurts to stand up, walk or do anything! Please put your blessings to me today Lord. For I certainly do need you.
I must apply for disability as I cannot work due to this injury. :(
I must apply for disability as I cannot work due to this injury. :(
Thursday, April 10, 2008
In Pain but I feel great inside..
Tonight I am experiencing a lot of pain. I was listening to Shawn McDonald and I realized this is a man who basically was like me. He was abused, part of the world, on drugs, deep in pain, empty and kind of searching how to be filled. He was lost and then God found him by some miracle and from there, he just....changed. He has become who he is now, writing the inspiring songs he writes only for and to, God.
I feel changed. I feel I am completely able to understand his lyrics because they talk about life before God and after God.
Frankly, my earthly life is in the shitter, but my spiritual life is growing by bounds and I feel great! So much so I don't even care about all this other "other stuff". When there is a greater purpose, everything else just doesn't matter. Yet, I have fought this and felt so lost, disgusting to God and hopeless for so long. :(
For kicks, since this is mine and mine only..his awesome lyrics
Simply Nothing
So hard to fathom the pain in Your eyes
As You’re watching Your children, doing what You despise
In pursuit of our own
We just go round and round
Another nail to our cause
We continue to pound
What are you, man, if you do not learn love?
What are you, man, if you do not learn love?
So hard to fathom, oh, the feelings inside
As You’re watching Your people choosing to die
You called out a warning
To all that would hear
Saying come to Me, come to Me
And I will draw near
Learn love
I must
Learn love
Learn love
Have You Ever?
Have you ever wanted to be someone else
Have you ever wanted just to be someone
Have you ever wanted to reach your dreams
Have you ever wanted life to be more than it seems
I have tasted of a love so wide
That it stops all my time
I have tasted of a love so deep
That it blows my mind
Have you ever wanted to reach up and touch the sky
Have you ever wanted to pack it up and say good-bye
Have you ever wanted someone to care
Have you ever wanted someone to be there
He is sweet, He is sweet
What your looking for
Is my sweet, sweet Jesus
Take My Hand
Take my hand to the promise land
And on You I want to stand
‘Cause I cannot do it on my own
You’re what I need and I need to be
Right by Your side ‘cause I cannot hide
Lord, I know that I need You
Na na na na na na na na na, I need You
Na na na na na na na na na, I need You
Without You I’m so alone
I am weak but You are strong
You pick me up when I’m falling down
And I am crying
Out to You inside of my heart
I need You, Lord, oh so, for the part
I want You to have my life, Jesus
I fall to my knees
And I’m begging You, please, oh, Lord
Won’t You change me
Make me new from the inside out
I want to shout out Your name
Here I Am
I lay myself at Your feet
Asking You won't You meet
Won't You meet me
I cannot do it on my own
I cannot do it all alone
Here I am, oh, tonight
With my arms open wide
Won't You come inside
Won't You come inside, God
Come and fill this heart of mine
I'm in need of You
Of Your touch, of Your life, of Your love
I need You
I need You
Anywho, some are wondering what happened to the person writing in anger and hatred. About 2 weeks ago I was crying uncontrollably and feeling at my lowest and out of pure exhaustion at my life, my choices, and my person I just asked God to "please help me", over and over and over until I fell asleep and since then... all was different for me. If that is not a miracle, (he has given me a chance, again!)I don't know what is.
My empty space that I have felt since leaving home at 13, and have been filling with men for so long, the wrong men at that, and drink and drugs, sex, and music and "busy-ness" is slowly being filled. I know what that space is for now, and how to fill it. Nothing else will do.
I feel changed. I feel I am completely able to understand his lyrics because they talk about life before God and after God.
Frankly, my earthly life is in the shitter, but my spiritual life is growing by bounds and I feel great! So much so I don't even care about all this other "other stuff". When there is a greater purpose, everything else just doesn't matter. Yet, I have fought this and felt so lost, disgusting to God and hopeless for so long. :(
For kicks, since this is mine and mine only..his awesome lyrics
Simply Nothing
So hard to fathom the pain in Your eyes
As You’re watching Your children, doing what You despise
In pursuit of our own
We just go round and round
Another nail to our cause
We continue to pound
What are you, man, if you do not learn love?
What are you, man, if you do not learn love?
So hard to fathom, oh, the feelings inside
As You’re watching Your people choosing to die
You called out a warning
To all that would hear
Saying come to Me, come to Me
And I will draw near
Learn love
I must
Learn love
Learn love
Have You Ever?
Have you ever wanted to be someone else
Have you ever wanted just to be someone
Have you ever wanted to reach your dreams
Have you ever wanted life to be more than it seems
I have tasted of a love so wide
That it stops all my time
I have tasted of a love so deep
That it blows my mind
Have you ever wanted to reach up and touch the sky
Have you ever wanted to pack it up and say good-bye
Have you ever wanted someone to care
Have you ever wanted someone to be there
He is sweet, He is sweet
What your looking for
Is my sweet, sweet Jesus
Take My Hand
Take my hand to the promise land
And on You I want to stand
‘Cause I cannot do it on my own
You’re what I need and I need to be
Right by Your side ‘cause I cannot hide
Lord, I know that I need You
Na na na na na na na na na, I need You
Na na na na na na na na na, I need You
Without You I’m so alone
I am weak but You are strong
You pick me up when I’m falling down
And I am crying
Out to You inside of my heart
I need You, Lord, oh so, for the part
I want You to have my life, Jesus
I fall to my knees
And I’m begging You, please, oh, Lord
Won’t You change me
Make me new from the inside out
I want to shout out Your name
Here I Am
I lay myself at Your feet
Asking You won't You meet
Won't You meet me
I cannot do it on my own
I cannot do it all alone
Here I am, oh, tonight
With my arms open wide
Won't You come inside
Won't You come inside, God
Come and fill this heart of mine
I'm in need of You
Of Your touch, of Your life, of Your love
I need You
I need You
Anywho, some are wondering what happened to the person writing in anger and hatred. About 2 weeks ago I was crying uncontrollably and feeling at my lowest and out of pure exhaustion at my life, my choices, and my person I just asked God to "please help me", over and over and over until I fell asleep and since then... all was different for me. If that is not a miracle, (he has given me a chance, again!)I don't know what is.
My empty space that I have felt since leaving home at 13, and have been filling with men for so long, the wrong men at that, and drink and drugs, sex, and music and "busy-ness" is slowly being filled. I know what that space is for now, and how to fill it. Nothing else will do.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
The Bible and I have the same mate in mind
A Repost 4-8-2009
Learning About the Proverbs Man
I was totally shocked when I read the Bible last night after like 10 years. The man I want now, the qualities I want, and now find attractive is actually stated in the Bible. It's crazy!
The men I used to choose were also in there! Here are some examples from the book of Proverbs:
Here are the male types however, that I have been seeking newly in my heart. The Bible actually describes them just as clearly so I may know the difference. He will be someone who will be/have:
Learning About the Proverbs Man
I was totally shocked when I read the Bible last night after like 10 years. The man I want now, the qualities I want, and now find attractive is actually stated in the Bible. It's crazy!
The men I used to choose were also in there! Here are some examples from the book of Proverbs:
- Harsh discipline is for him who forsakes the way; and he who hates correction will die.
- He who is slow to wrath has great understanding, be he who is impulsive exalts foolishness and folly.
- A false witness shall not go unpunished and he who speaks lies shall perish.
- Whoever hides hatred has lying lips, who ever spreads slander is a fool.
- Like a madman who throws arrows, firebrands and death, is the man who deceives his neighbor and then says "I was just joking" (yeah, thats actually in the Bible, lol)
- A proud and haughty man - "Scoffer" is his name - he acts only with arrogant pride.
- He who loves pleasure will be a poor man, he who loves wine and oil will not be rich.
- Do not mix with winebibbers, or gluttonous eaters of meat; for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and drowsiness will clothe a man with rags.
- Do not envy wicked men, do not desire their company; for their hearts plot violence, and their lips talk about making trouble.
- He who loves transgression seeks strife, he who exalts his gate seeks destruction.
- Do not speak to a fool, for he will scorn the wisdom of your words.
- Those who linger over wine, who go to sample bowls of mixed wine. Do not gaze at wine when it is red, when it sparkles in the cup, when it goes down smoothly! In the end it bites like a snake and poisons like a viper. Your eyes will see strange sights and your mind imagine confusing things. You will be like one sleeping on the high seas, lying on top of the rigging. "They hit me," you will say, "but I'm not hurt! They beat me, but I don't feel it! When will I wake up so I can find another drink?"
Here are the male types however, that I have been seeking newly in my heart. The Bible actually describes them just as clearly so I may know the difference. He will be someone who will be/have:
- "by humility and fear of the Lord" (in actions, not words)
- "he who has a generous eye"
- "he who is in wisdom and understanding"
- "he who excels in his work"
- "he who does not mistreat his father or chase away his mother"
- "he who does not utter a false witness"
- "he who owns discretion and is slow to anger, slow to wrath"
- What is desired in a man is kindness, and a poor man is better than a liar. (in actions, not words)
- "he who keeps the commandments" (in actions, not words)
- Wisdom is in the sight of him who has understanding, but the eyes of a fool are on the ends of the earth.
- He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and who rules his spirit that he who can take a city.
2 But I had almost stopped believing; I had almost lost my faith
3 because I was jealous of proud people. I saw wicked people doing well.
4 They are not suffering; they are healthy and strong.
5 They don’t have troubles like the rest of us; they don’t have problems like other people.
6 They wear pride like a necklace and put on violence as their clothing.
7 They are looking for profits and do not control their selfish desires.
8 They make fun of others and speak evil; proudly they speak of hurting others.
9 They brag to the sky. They say that they own the earth.
10 So their people turn to them and give them whatever they want.
11 They say, “How can God know?
12 These people are wicked, always at ease, and getting richer.
13 So why have I kept my heart pure? Why have I kept my hands from doing wrong?
14 I have suffered all day long; I have been punished every morning.
15 God, if I had decided to talk like this, I would have let your people down.Psalms 73:2-15
1 Don’t be upset because of evil people. Don’t be jealous of those who do wrong,
2 because like the grass, they will soon dry up. Like green plants, they will soon die away.
3 Trust the Lord and do good. Live in the land and feed on truth.Psalms 37:1-3
Because the imperfection of the earthly justice system and the assumption that the principles instituted by God is slow to react, men think they can continue with their ways unhampered. Influencing as many as they can. But the answer to the assumed passiveness of the Creator is explained also!
He has been very kind and patient, waiting for you to change, but you think nothing of his kindness. Perhaps you do not understand that God is kind to you so you will change your hearts and lives. Romans 2:4
Eventually, people will receive the appropriate wages for the decisions and actions they made. This could be the reason why we are advised to embrace “wisdom” .
I'm going to have another great day.20 Wisdom is like a woman shouting in the street; she raises her voice in the city squares.
21 She cries out in the noisy street and shouts at the city gates:
23 If only you had listened when I corrected you, I would have told you what’s in my heart; I would have told you what I am thinking.
24 I called, but you refused to listen; I held out my hand, but you paid no attention.
25 You did not follow my advice and did not listen when I corrected you.
31 So you will get what you deserve; you will get what you planned for others.
32 Fools will die because they refuse to listen; they will be destroyed because they do not care.
33 But those who listen to me will live in safety and be at peace, without fear of injury.” Proverbs 1:20-25, 31-33
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
60 Days - Day 2
60 days
This is my 60 day notebook section. Today is Day 2.
1) 60 days without talking to him is going to be hard because _________.
- He has his eye on the poor Veggie Grill blonde by now - I'm sure he is trying to be "friends"
- He is not going to change
- He was an asshole
- I plan on keeping busy and focusing on myself
- I have God
3) The time I think of him the most is_________________.
- When I am driving, or in the shower.
- When I am sleeping or listening to music.
- remember while I am buying bed sheets that he took those from me
- see Dr. Matso
- rest and set up interviews
- pray and read my bible
- call Karin, Nancy, Meridith, or someone, anyone! else
- go to church and my CoDA meeting tonight (express myself!)
- cook a nice meal for myself
- find a great doctor
- call others
- sleep
- God to pray to/to cry myself to sleep to/to wake up in thanks to
- Meetings
- Family
- Karin and friends
- my strength
- my will
- my love of myself
- my self esteem
- my will to change
- my sense of humor
- my legs at least
- pillows, though no bedsheets
- a second chance at a new life
- because wtf? do I have to write this down
- because it actually is helping
Monday, April 7, 2008
Holy Revelations Batman - The Notebook!
So last night I watched "The Notebook." Now I want to start this off saying I was not thinking about anything but getting my mind off current situation with a favorite movie and some Tylenol Cold to stop the incessant sneezing and coughing and pain in my back.
However, remembering back to November of 06, I recalled watching this movie one night and not having known Chris very well at all yet, and thinking "Wow, this guy reminds me of Chris, awww, I really want to call him" and I was missing him and not knowing at all why. Chris DOES NOT look like hottie Ryan Gosling. I even told Chris that I watched this movie and the character had reminded me of him, which he took as a compliment after seeing the movie. However, I was also angry at Chris, even back then, for having promised he was going to have some medication sent to me for my back and then omg.. not sending anything or calling. How original...this is how he has been the whole time.
However, watching it again after 1 year and half and knowing what I know about abuse, and having been through all I have. I was fucking shocked to my core. TO MY CORE! I viewed this movie with very different eyes. Eyes that know what abuse is and domestic violence is and have studied their own family history and have a clue as to why they sometimes do the things they do subconsciously and are attracted to the people they are.
The young handsome guy in this storyline, "Noah" is a sarcastic, ordering, abusive jerk with a demanding and overall disrespectful personality. However, I realized at the time of watching this, add some kind of drug/alcohol use and THIS IS WHAT I USED TO FIND ATTRACTIVE. This is what I used to think was confidence and strength and protection and worst of all, NORMAL. =(
They start their relationship by him disrespecting her "No" to go out with him. He jumps on a ferris wheel and threatens his own life, demanding she go out with him. I used to think this was "romantic" but it is actually disgusting and unhealthy to me now. He then proceeds on their date to order her around, define her and makes "jokes" about her (like Chris used to), in almost every scene. They verbally and actually physically abuse one another in another 2 scenes of "love".
The older couple scenes are much less abusive and more tender, leading me to think now the lady is suffering from head trauma and is in the hospital having been with this asshole so long. But.. and this is important---this is a movie.
Real life is much more dangerous when dramatized and idealized by such films. I realized this is what sets ME up for abuse. These first "scenes" in which people say silently "yes, abuse will be ok here".
Chris also disrespected my "no" in our first days of getting to know one another. I had told him I didn't want to be in a relationship. I had told him I didn't want to kiss him or do anything sexual. I had told him no to seeing him again as anything more than platonic, still disrespecting my "no" he kept on pushing, determined and therefore abusively. My actions, allowing it all, however said "Yes, you can abuse me." "I know I don't deserve more than this." Which I actively believed and still sometimes do. I'm working on that, I have after all left him, have I not? That should say something.
Later taking advantage of me physically/sexually, and knowing I was completely under his power, being disabled AND having no where else to go - he proceeded to hold me down, make fun of me, grab me hard, order me around for 3 months.
In retrospect, I proceeded to get scared, so much so that I ran back to another abusive situation (to Brandon) just to "get away" from Chris. Still disabled, it got so bad with Chris, so soon, that I had RUN AWAY which is why I left his house in February 07. During this time, he would also go to another woman (his coworker, I was gone and leaving him so he needed a replacement but she wasn't a "sure" thing) and abuse progressed between us at an alarming rate, all the while we were both saying/thinking it was "love".
But I did not stay away, because I still believed, that I deserve abuse and was used to only that kind of treatment and did not yet know why. I wanted to hurt myself, turn it inward, and I continued to see him, his control tactics and manipulation seeming like "care" to me and called such by him. He had "given" me his car, (another way to see me, another way to control me) to use for if I needed it and a bed.
Then in May 07, when he had ordered me in the sub shop to "Sit the f-.."(aka sit the fuck down) I saw and felt something then and there. Something snapped in me. "That is it! I do not deserve this and will not accept this anymore." "After 17 years, I don't deserve this anymore. No matter what I have done in my past" and I left him on that day. I did not talk to him, told him he needed counseling and to leave me alone.
However, living with Brandon I still was being abused by a narcissist and I was not completely sure of myself or what was happening. This also happened to be the first time in my life that I actually looked into what may be wrong with me that I have accepted this for so long. 17 years is a long time to have only negative core beliefs.
Chris stopped the abuse temporarily to get me back, then when safe again and I had moved BACK INTO HIS HOUSE, the abuse continued. Though I had been smart enough this time around to get a room separated from him. I did not room WITH HIM as previously. I lived in the house. In July, he threw 2 quarters at me. I kicked him out of MY room and ordered him to get counseling. In September 07 he began NA, and in October he began Abuse Counseling, in November he stated he had been "released" by Dr. Adams and that he wanted to take me to meet his family. We went on "vacation" which he had paid for and a lot of the time was great, however, I noticed abuse toward him from his family and towards the end he began to abuse me again and I was headed for a breakup with him by the time we got home. Vacillating the whole time.
During this time I tried as much as I could to get my own life and proceed in healing myself, my back without direction, and without support. I was going to CoDA meetings which gave me perspective and I had already begun therapy. In late November 07 I decided to move out of Chris's house and into my own apartment. I think I realized even then, that I needed a life away from Chris maybe to subconsciously stop the abuse. I do not know...
On the day I moved into my new place alone - I was soooo scared. I realized I had never been on my own and really truly alone. I ran back to Chris mentally and physically. Afraid to be alone. Afraid to stand without assistance. I demanded his time and attention. I am so glad i moved here. I am glad he pushed me literally one last time, right out the fucking door and out of his life forever. I am glad I can write and say I would never ever talk to that person or see him again in any context or rose colored glasses of "caring". I truly believe I am saving my own life. When I recently spoke to the domestic violence shelter woman and she applauded me for leaving (most of all go back) she asked me to come in and speak.
The entire relationship with Chris I had been suicidal. I strongly believe that will completely cease. In retrospect, I have never actually been or felt suicidal OUT of a relationship, ever, and ALL not some, of my relationships have been abusive. You do the math.
I have done the math, and it is a sad amount left over. The fact that I was attracted to men like this for so long and they are actually idealized in movies like those says a lot about society and also movies made by men.
Anyway, this "Notebook" is a movie, shit in real life doesn't happen so sweetly or smoothly. Women end up maimed or hurt, or dead if there is worse, then worse. I am so glad I watched it last night, I am jumping for joy to be out of my relationship with him and I am hoping upon hoping I do NOT MEET ANYONE else before I have had a chance to get more therapy and figure out this issue with Dad before I get involved with anyone ever again.
However, remembering back to November of 06, I recalled watching this movie one night and not having known Chris very well at all yet, and thinking "Wow, this guy reminds me of Chris, awww, I really want to call him" and I was missing him and not knowing at all why. Chris DOES NOT look like hottie Ryan Gosling. I even told Chris that I watched this movie and the character had reminded me of him, which he took as a compliment after seeing the movie. However, I was also angry at Chris, even back then, for having promised he was going to have some medication sent to me for my back and then omg.. not sending anything or calling. How original...this is how he has been the whole time.
However, watching it again after 1 year and half and knowing what I know about abuse, and having been through all I have. I was fucking shocked to my core. TO MY CORE! I viewed this movie with very different eyes. Eyes that know what abuse is and domestic violence is and have studied their own family history and have a clue as to why they sometimes do the things they do subconsciously and are attracted to the people they are.
The young handsome guy in this storyline, "Noah" is a sarcastic, ordering, abusive jerk with a demanding and overall disrespectful personality. However, I realized at the time of watching this, add some kind of drug/alcohol use and THIS IS WHAT I USED TO FIND ATTRACTIVE. This is what I used to think was confidence and strength and protection and worst of all, NORMAL. =(
They start their relationship by him disrespecting her "No" to go out with him. He jumps on a ferris wheel and threatens his own life, demanding she go out with him. I used to think this was "romantic" but it is actually disgusting and unhealthy to me now. He then proceeds on their date to order her around, define her and makes "jokes" about her (like Chris used to), in almost every scene. They verbally and actually physically abuse one another in another 2 scenes of "love".
The older couple scenes are much less abusive and more tender, leading me to think now the lady is suffering from head trauma and is in the hospital having been with this asshole so long. But.. and this is important---this is a movie.
Real life is much more dangerous when dramatized and idealized by such films. I realized this is what sets ME up for abuse. These first "scenes" in which people say silently "yes, abuse will be ok here".
Chris also disrespected my "no" in our first days of getting to know one another. I had told him I didn't want to be in a relationship. I had told him I didn't want to kiss him or do anything sexual. I had told him no to seeing him again as anything more than platonic, still disrespecting my "no" he kept on pushing, determined and therefore abusively. My actions, allowing it all, however said "Yes, you can abuse me." "I know I don't deserve more than this." Which I actively believed and still sometimes do. I'm working on that, I have after all left him, have I not? That should say something.
Later taking advantage of me physically/sexually, and knowing I was completely under his power, being disabled AND having no where else to go - he proceeded to hold me down, make fun of me, grab me hard, order me around for 3 months.
In retrospect, I proceeded to get scared, so much so that I ran back to another abusive situation (to Brandon) just to "get away" from Chris. Still disabled, it got so bad with Chris, so soon, that I had RUN AWAY which is why I left his house in February 07. During this time, he would also go to another woman (his coworker, I was gone and leaving him so he needed a replacement but she wasn't a "sure" thing) and abuse progressed between us at an alarming rate, all the while we were both saying/thinking it was "love".
But I did not stay away, because I still believed, that I deserve abuse and was used to only that kind of treatment and did not yet know why. I wanted to hurt myself, turn it inward, and I continued to see him, his control tactics and manipulation seeming like "care" to me and called such by him. He had "given" me his car, (another way to see me, another way to control me) to use for if I needed it and a bed.
Then in May 07, when he had ordered me in the sub shop to "Sit the f-.."(aka sit the fuck down) I saw and felt something then and there. Something snapped in me. "That is it! I do not deserve this and will not accept this anymore." "After 17 years, I don't deserve this anymore. No matter what I have done in my past" and I left him on that day. I did not talk to him, told him he needed counseling and to leave me alone.
However, living with Brandon I still was being abused by a narcissist and I was not completely sure of myself or what was happening. This also happened to be the first time in my life that I actually looked into what may be wrong with me that I have accepted this for so long. 17 years is a long time to have only negative core beliefs.
Chris stopped the abuse temporarily to get me back, then when safe again and I had moved BACK INTO HIS HOUSE, the abuse continued. Though I had been smart enough this time around to get a room separated from him. I did not room WITH HIM as previously. I lived in the house. In July, he threw 2 quarters at me. I kicked him out of MY room and ordered him to get counseling. In September 07 he began NA, and in October he began Abuse Counseling, in November he stated he had been "released" by Dr. Adams and that he wanted to take me to meet his family. We went on "vacation" which he had paid for and a lot of the time was great, however, I noticed abuse toward him from his family and towards the end he began to abuse me again and I was headed for a breakup with him by the time we got home. Vacillating the whole time.
During this time I tried as much as I could to get my own life and proceed in healing myself, my back without direction, and without support. I was going to CoDA meetings which gave me perspective and I had already begun therapy. In late November 07 I decided to move out of Chris's house and into my own apartment. I think I realized even then, that I needed a life away from Chris maybe to subconsciously stop the abuse. I do not know...
On the day I moved into my new place alone - I was soooo scared. I realized I had never been on my own and really truly alone. I ran back to Chris mentally and physically. Afraid to be alone. Afraid to stand without assistance. I demanded his time and attention. I am so glad i moved here. I am glad he pushed me literally one last time, right out the fucking door and out of his life forever. I am glad I can write and say I would never ever talk to that person or see him again in any context or rose colored glasses of "caring". I truly believe I am saving my own life. When I recently spoke to the domestic violence shelter woman and she applauded me for leaving (most of all go back) she asked me to come in and speak.
The entire relationship with Chris I had been suicidal. I strongly believe that will completely cease. In retrospect, I have never actually been or felt suicidal OUT of a relationship, ever, and ALL not some, of my relationships have been abusive. You do the math.
I have done the math, and it is a sad amount left over. The fact that I was attracted to men like this for so long and they are actually idealized in movies like those says a lot about society and also movies made by men.
Anyway, this "Notebook" is a movie, shit in real life doesn't happen so sweetly or smoothly. Women end up maimed or hurt, or dead if there is worse, then worse. I am so glad I watched it last night, I am jumping for joy to be out of my relationship with him and I am hoping upon hoping I do NOT MEET ANYONE else before I have had a chance to get more therapy and figure out this issue with Dad before I get involved with anyone ever again.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
60 days
This is my 60 day notebook section. Today is Day 1.
1) 60 days without talking to him is going to be hard because _________.
1) 60 days without talking to him is going to be hard because _________.
- I remember us - the early us.
- What if he calls? (nah, he won't call)
- I don't have the # deleted yet or have changed the ringer to the self esteem ringer.
- I am afraid of being alone sometimes.
- I used to talk to him about everything (but he didn't really care, now did he?)
- Remember us and miss what we had.
- Go through this pain alone.
- Get over him and feel his pain to me every day.
- Wish that he would have been different.
- Ask why/what/where in regards to him
- care at all, when he clearly didn't care about me or us
- When I am driving, or in the shower.
- When I am sleeping or listening to music.
- completely rearrange my furniture to look nothing like when he was coming over.
- see Darcy and Karin
- ice and remind myself he is the one who did this to me and therfore does not deserve my good thoughts.
- rest and read my bible
- call Karin, Nancy, Meridith, or someone, anyone! else
- go to church and my CoDA meeting tonight (express myself!)
- cook a nice meal for myself
- set up interviews for this week/find a great doctor
- prepare and write down how I forsee my new life and look.
- call Dr. Matso
- sleep
- God to pray to/to cry myself to sleep to/to wake up in thanks to
- Meetings
- Family
- Karin and friends
- my strength
- my will
- my love of myself
- my self esteem
- my will to change
- my sense of humor
- my legs at least
- pillows, though no bedsheets
- a second chance at a new life
- because wtf? do I have to write this down
- because it actually is helping
- because its by two people who already have love and are married ><
- because this book is awesome
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