Linux should have been my first priority

Why oh why did I not make Linux my first priority in that relationship with Chris? Had I, I could be getting a job doing that work now!

With eyes to the sky

I look at my life as it will be in the future.

I will be a servant of God. I will have a home that will not be shattered. I will have love that is true and just and good. It will be proven worth. I will have my bachelors degree. I will be ministering to all who will hear. I will use my experiences, music, technology and my love of women for furthering Jesus's promise of salvation. I will be a pillar of strength and service for my community. I will have a husband of worth, not in the eyes of society, but in the eyes of God. I will have work that I enjoy. I will be healthy and caring of my given temple. I will be a devout and honest wife and friend. I will cherish those in my life as jewels and precious metal. My soul will live forever.

Thank God, for God.

So today I have lost my two "friends". I do not believe they were true "friends" to begin with and I believe I am probably going to be better off in the long term. However, this situation has opened my eyes to something that I would not have believed about myself that I need to change.

lost Sandra to the below:
1) I have made commitments and not stuck to them.
2) I have had people wait for me to show up.

and Tia to:
well, she just changed her attitude about me after I had told her I wanted her to respect me, not curse at me, and I would not accept less and she just began contacting me a lot less. LOL.

The wheat from the chaff. They will separate themselves, all the unwanted undesirables. I do need to however change these aspects of commitment. If I cannot commit to humans, how will I commit to Jesus?

I have determined that I do not want friends who are not capable of saying how they feel until they have had enough and then just blow up and end a friendship, or friends who are unforgiving or not looking for resolutions but just to condemn and judge. The above went on and yet they said nothing to me of a grievance, until yesterday when they said they did not want to speak to me again.

Thirdly, what I realized is I do not really care if I lose worldly friends, as the only thing that matters to me is to do God's will. I think I am changing. I am becoming hungry and it is not for food. I am becoming a sheep. My friends who feel the same and that believe in God, also appreciate this and me.

I am sad to have lost Sandra because I did feel a kindred-ship to her. However, I cannot make her be friends with me, or change her attitude about me. What kind of unforgiving friend and uncommunicative friend would I have had in her anyway? If that is how she reacted to this situation what of another mistake or misunderstanding as we all have and make, being human?

I can only learn from this experience and make sure not to repeat it in the future with another. I can keep my eyes to my true friend who will NEVER LEAVE ME, and that is God and pray for the type of friends He desires for me. I can continue to get to know Jesus and become more like him so that I may live forever with friends galore, while this world and it's proud oversexed ways die off. I will make friends of the homeless, I will make friends of the fatherless and the widows and I will minister to ridicule.

Thus far, God has not put it in Chris's heart to help me. Perhaps there is a lesson to learn here? I know Chris is not concerned with me only himself and this is the way he has been much of the time.

What am I to take from this experience? What is it that I am to learn today from the current situation I am in? Where is my opportunity for growth and maturity?

With that things I am thankful for today: =)

• Book of Job
• food to eat
• Getting to know about Jesus late Friday and Saturday night
• Karin and her wisdom
• having a roof over my head
• inspiration
• my failures to learn from
• learning from the relationship with Chris
• my mothers knowledge
  
• my strength

It's a big, long climb

The hard work
The sweat!
The energy!
test of character..
the heart!
the challenge!

I'm climbing the mountain of praise. Today, I was let go from my job. It was a 90 day evaluation to determine fit. I hated it at first and then I gave it another chance, and tried to look at it as an opportunity to serve and be humble, coincidentally just as they were deciding to let me go. Yesterday evening around 7:30p they determined I am not the right fit, nor they for me. They also learned that they made mistakes with this position, they did not think deeply about the position or what was needed, or what impact it has, their management style, or the type of fit they were looking for...etc.

I was, at first and as my past dictates, hard on myself. What did I do? What did I do wrong this time? What is WRONG with ME? Can't keep a damn job? Etc.. then...

I realized, Hey, stop that self-beating! God loves me, as is, imperfections, jobless or homeless and all. Am I better than Him? Why would I say anything hurtful or judgmental to his creation, (aka Me)? Only he can judge me. There is nothing wrong with me. I did my best, didn't I? I gave my best.

And is that how a loving supportive parent would talk to their child? No. Is that how I would talk to a friend? No. So I am not going to do that to myself, either. I am being gentle with myself and reminding myself that I asked God to show me the way every day this week. I have been praying to Him every day to please show me his will for me, where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing for Him and I will follow. Clearly, as he has shown, working there was not in his will for me.

There is another purpose for me and this is not a set back, but an opportunity to serve. An opportunity to learn. A trial of life that God allows me to go through to use my weakness as a purpose. To use me. I will go through hard times time and again and I am not alone in it. This is an exercise in automatic thoughts and how to get out of them.

I may not have money now to continue treatments but perhaps God will put it in Chris's heart to give me money, perhaps not, either way I know I will be o.k. I will live. I know proactive is the way to go in this situation. In serving. In prayer. In finding God's will for me. I feel stronger. I feel resilient.

Perhaps this is God giving me time to write my songs to him as I asked? Perhaps this is Him letting me know "yes, it is time for you to hone the natural talents I gave you and look at the talents you have that you have not been using for me."

Writing, motivating, etc.

Perhaps this is Him telling me to go to school, or prepare to leave the country for DR..

or telling me its time to go to those shelters and start showing the grace of God through my stories, through my history.

Only He can see my gaps in the road ahead. I will not ask for my cross to be cut down. I will accept that this is the natural progression of where he wants me to go/be. As long as I do not fight it (trying to control as I often have), it will come to me.

I wish I had a skateboard today. I am gonna go to the Borders by my house, read a little, swim, take a walk, treat myself well and enjoy my own company while I allow the purpose of all this to manifest itself.. I feel blessed and thankful.

Backslide! aka "what happened to you last night??"

The above quote from Sandra. LOL. As you can see yesterday during the day everything was kosher.

What did happen to me last night? Let's think about that, shall we blog? What I think happened was that I went to Sharkeez and drank and later became impulsive. As I was driving there, I had thought of Chris and driving by his house but I was sober and thought better of it. When I got to Sharkeez after looking for infamous Manhattan Beach parking, I didnt think of Chris at all. I hung out with the girls, talked about work, my views, LA, NY, travel, and lots of other interesting bar talk. I drank one drink.

As I was waiting for Sandra, I thought once more of passing his house (proximity is on his side for me to think of him on Tues/Sundays) thinking "I know he isn't home. He is out on a date I'm sure." Which is actually ok with me, as I want him to be with someone else in a drug addled, lying and abusive relationship, NOT me. Thoughts raced. "Has he weed in his room? Is it messy? Are there any signs of his stated changes? Nope." Then these strong thoughts became feelings which became action because I took over my better judgement, a little enbriated. I decided I was going to go to his house. Guiseppe being there (with Sandra) did not help either, her attention was on him and not me, I really needed it but didn't realize.

So I drove to his house, walked up and saw that the light was on and shadows. Car? No. Ok. He isn't home, go back to Sandra or go home. Then as I left and drove past his car...from that moment I decided to tell him the information I had that was so important to me at the time.

Here is the thing about Liquor, when you drink and you have a phone and you are broken up with someone, have gone through a breakup, it gives you information. Information that simply cannot wait another day to get to the person who just broke your heart/left you etc. Very important Information that simply does not have any concept of time, judgement, or real cause. So I called him. It is surprising to me how easily I could see the name "AbusivePain&Lies" and still dial. Again, I know if I had not drank that would not have happened however, I did drink.

Phone+ Alcohol = Danger

Text+ Alcohol = Danger

Camera Phone + Alcohol = Danger + All over the Internet

As I called, I gave him the information and he took full advantage of this little moment of weakness. Asking "how are you?" "I am still changing" I still want to help you pay medical" "I am sorry" "I think of you every day" "I miss (list of thing he misses)our friendship" "Do you have questions?" "Is it ok if we talk sometimes?" "I've been thinking about church with you and want to do that" "I haven't smoked in almost 3 weeks" "I know I was wrong" "I see now being away from you how my drug use affected us" "I am sorry" "I want to give you a foot massage" "Actually, I got high 3 days ago" "When you are ready to look at my changes.." "I didn't get you a birthday present because there was no more money left after drugs, I wanted to buy drugs more than get you a present" "I stayed out all night maybe once or twice our whole relationship" "did you consider me sexually emailing all those women cheating?".

This conversation lasted 1 hour and 55 min. As I got more tired and (maybe less tipsy too?) I realized this is the talk of a guy who is basically all talk-very little action(with the grateful exception of not actually contacting me), still doing things for his own glory/desires, is "not that into me", and is someone I do not actually want to be in a relationship or friendship with so why would I continue to talk on the phone with them? At this realization, I said goodbye and hung up the phone.

My natural reaction would be to be hard on myself, but no, because I learned something. I dont deserve to be lied to, talked down to, blamed or hurt anymore than I have already been. I have been praying to God "open my eyes so I can see, open my ears so I can hear, and open my mind so I can know.. and He is doing that.

What it should look like, it does not. What it should sound like, it does not. Therefore my mind is not falling for someone's empty words of "changing". True change will SHOW over time and I realized last night, its utterance will never come out of his mouth if that happens. He kept on pointing out that if I don't look I won't see. I think he is rushed for me to see some change and to "believe" so he can win me back, and that is not going to happen. I will know when he has changed. If he can ever change. He gave me more information than he may realize. He is going on with his life and it doesnt include counseling. "Working on himself". He is working out (trying to get thin/prepare for sport?), he is hanging with friends, and he is doing drugs with his crazy idea of "controlling the amount". LOL.

He wants to have a friend back that he lost due to his "mistakes". He views them as mistakes instead of flaws of character. His mistakes, were too many for me. To think he also said, "I love you more than I loved anyone, ever." I laughed at this, inside. Well, if the way you treated me is the way you treat someone "you loved the most ever in your life, more than family, friends, and yourself", you are in grave trouble and I am glad you will someday "love" someone else.

At his expression to at least "someday be friends", I let him know that I now have friend standards and they do not include being friends with addicts, nor am I allowing people who lie (to anyone) into my life, and people who disrespect me also don't get my company. What friendship could he offer me?

Truth be told, we may have gotten a glimpse of something other than we have known that was nice and sometimes get nostalgic want to retrieve it, but we are still very much stuck in our shit and cannot get it back anytime soon. For me, I deserve much better than what he could offer me now.

Day 39

This is my 60 day notebook entry. Today is Day 39. I'm also going to update these with other things I am doing in 60 days.

1) 60 days without talking to him is going to be hard because _________.

60 days is not going to be THAT hard because:

• I have God
• He is still the same person he was - people change very SLOWLY - he is just "out of the picture", (literally)
  
• I was already able to not talk to him for 39, whats 21 more days?
• After 30 days, I am out of the habit of actually dialing his number, even when I really want to say something, share, or ask him something.
  
• Hey isn't there a movie called 21 Days? Hmmm.
  
• I am busy and focusing only on myself and my changes
  
• I can remember all the exes that I don't call anymore either.
  

2) Why should I be the one that has to_______________?

3) The time I think of him the most is_________________.

• In the shower, sleeping or listening to certain music.
  

4) Today, instead of calling him/seeing him I will _____________.

• remember why I left him (he was great at lip service - horrible at fidelity, respect for me as a mate, self control & truth.)
  
• rest and meditate
  
• pray and read my bible
• call Karin, Sandra, or someone in my family.
  
• play guitar/keys (express myself!)
  
• cook a nice meal for myself
• straighten out my finances (where are you, finances?)
  
• plan camping, and other life to do's
  
• see Dr. Matso
• go do something fun TODAY instead
  

5) Even when I am feeling my weakest at least I've got _____________.

• God to pray to/to cry myself to sleep to/to wake up in thanks to
• my love of myself
• my will to change and the desire to take ownership of my life
  
• work
  
• Shawn McDonald songs to remind me of where I have been and where I'm goin
  
• Karin and friends
• my strength
• my inner beauty
  
• my self esteem
• my sense of humor
• Meetings
• my car
  
• daily blessings
  

6) This is retarded because____________.

• because this actually works

I'm also going to update these with the other things I am doing in 60 days.
LIFE PURPOSE EXERCISES- 40 Days
Day 23 - What is one area where I need to stop thinking of my way and start thinking in God's way (trusting Him)?
In loving myself as he loves me, in knowing I will get through, trusting without reserve, and being able to forgive but not necessarily allow more transgressions or forget.

EATING/EXERCISE TO PREPARE FOR EVER LASTING LIFE- 30 days
Day 13 - ate 3 full meals - varied fruits and veggies. low salt, low sugar (under 20 grams) going on Day 5! Stretched in the morning, swam in the afternoon, took a walk around the area, prayed meditated, ate a healthy dinner and will go out for a bit then come home and get on t'mill.

Focus areas Day 13 - Abs, Bottom, Thighs. (the statistical muscles to go first when sitting at work all day - better get em ready now!)

Wow! So that's what it's like!

To go home from work and be refreshed to go back, motivated and muscled. I would never fault Chris again for doing that. Surfing at lunch is Amazing!


In other news, I have resolved Chris will not be changing his email pswd, he is entitled to do whatever it is he is doing and I should not be checking his email at all. I have spoken to Sandra who has confirmed this. If it is not stopped now, what about my next relationship? I have to learn self control in this. Perhaps this is God teaching me self-control.

I am starting work! I am excited scared and all those first feelings one has when not sure of something. My back is hurting but my neck feels a little better today! I am able to move a bit more. I am going to make it a point to be as healthy as I can in these coming months. I am gonna call Dr. Adams next week when I start.


Our Crosses
We complain about the cross we bear but don't realize it may be preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we cannot. Whatever your cross, whatever your pain, there will always be sunshine, after the rain.... Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall; But God's always ready, to answer your call.... He knows every heartache, sees every tear, a word from His lips, can calm every fear... Your sorrows may linger, throughout the night, But suddenly vanish, dawn's early light... The Savior is waiting, somewhere above, to give you His grace, and send you His love... Try prayer.

Day 38

This is my 60 day notebook section. Today is Day 38.

1) 60 days without talking to him is going to be hard because _________.

• I keep wishing he had just been someone else.
• I was with him for a 1 year and half.
• I have been remembering him lately.
• I have checked his email (he is using another email address I think). Why doesn't he just change the password to make it easier?

2) Why should I be the one that has to_______________?

• think about him at all when he does not think of me
• considered him important when I was not to him

3) The time I think of him the most is_________________.

• When I am driving, or in the shower singing the "shower farts" song.
• When I am sleeping or listening to certain songs.

4) Today, instead of calling him/seeing him I will _____________.

• remember he gave me the camera so I can move on without him
• remember that "he does not want to hear from me" and "is glad"
• work on my steps
• rest and relax
• pray and read my bible
• call someone else
• play guitar/keys (express myself)
• cook a nice meal
• walk it out on t'mill
• jacuzzi
• sleep

5) Even when I am feeling my weakest at least I've got _____________.

• God to pray to/to cry myself to sleep to/to wake up in thanks to
• Meetings
• Karin and friends
• my strength
• my will
• my love of myself
• my self esteem
• my will to change
• my sense of humor
• my legs/arms and head
• Family
• stretching/meditation
• review automatic thoughts/thinking patterns
• a second chance

6) This is retarded because____________.

• why am I still thinking of this person who did not care about me and wasting anymore time writing about them?

Meh, in other news. Things I give thanks to God for today:

• my comfy warm bed
• my car
• finding employment
• my talents
• health (mostly!)
• my intelligence
• my unique personality
• food to eat
• listening to my prayers
• friends in my life ( Julie returns again soon!)
• Chris's giving me payment for medical (since he hurt me)

• my trying dilemma with my back (i am learning a lot)
• karaoke
• doggies/kittens
• my strength and will to change

I feel truly blessed. Off to stretch/meditate. Write more later!

Five things I cannot think about too deeply today...

*inspired by Jenny's friend Jeff who cannot think about how the plane stays in the air too deeply or he starts freaking out at the implausibility of the whole situation. Some things, he says, cannot be thought about too much or they freak us out and disgust us.

So here's my list of those things.*
1. What really goes on behind closed doors at the White House. I freak and get totally paranoid.
2. What is happening to my body as I am getting older!?
3. How my past upbringing could have become my future.
4. Hotel comforters, pesticides and any microscopic bugs living in us or on us!
5. Dinosaurs. Really? Wow. 2 million years ago? I have a hard enough time with Pharaoh and anything B.C.E., don't get me started on dinosaurs.

How do we stay up in the air?

Game

10 years ago, I never would have thought I would:

1. have physical ailments
2. blog
3. not care about being famous
4. not want a boyfriend/husband
5. go to California
6. pray to God or have a relationship with Him.
7. still be beautiful 10 years later
8. live to 30
9. change my food/diet
10. love myself or feel true fulfillment

How about you? What about your current self would surprise your 10 years ago self?

Thoughts on this Sun Day

I went to see Shawn McDonald yesterday (pics to come). Regardless of your religion, once you know (or have felt His presence) there is a God (Higher Power), and you hear these songs, you will be moved. The man is def inspired by God. I believe God has given him a powerful message and speaks through him and his music to me and many others.

I also saw Jason Gray who mentioned he has 5 kids as his gift from World Vision. He said they are one of the most important sacrifices he make by making a difference in their lives. He gave a great talk about God and the Bible also. Really? What are their 5 names? I bet no one asked him that question. "Test your prophets".

Anyway, I was moved. I thoroughly enjoyed the show and decided I need to use my own gift for music and writing to do God's will. I am not sure how to go about doing that. However, I do want to sing his praises.

Today the church I go to's Pastor Zac uttered a sermon I could not really relate to. It was about the qualities that God has that gives a mother to us and also shares. Motherly love. They are:

• A mother's presence
• A mother's counsel
• A mother's silence/comfort
• A mother's sympathy

and

• A mother's discipline

Thinking of my own imperfect mother as he was speaking, I could not relate at all. I left home still a growing child. He spoke of things I could not even imagine and the proceeded to describe women as typical (and he used the word "typical") long suffering, silent creatures. Maybe we would not be that way and would have some respect if all through time we were not described as such and taught that this was acceptable, BY MEN. What would life be like if we were not given the "less than" smaller helper, accompaniment role from birth? Hmm. I do not agree with this.

However, I could relate to how God expresses those mother-like qualities in my life now. I see them. I rejoice in them! Last night I prayed that God would open my eyes so I could see, and open my hears so I can hear and open my mind so I can know and today I determined it is not this church that I am going to belong to. I am glad I went there alone to be open to this new information, but I do not know where I am going to go just yet. I will pray on it.

I did see and hear a couple things that were wrong to me. One, the man who LEADS the church in worship and song, never bows his head in reverence to God when they pray. He holds his head up. I think he is a proud man and probably loves to hear his own voice which may be why he sings and has the "choir" behind him backing him up. I will not sing there, because I want to be in place where everyone who has a voice gets to use it for praising God, not backup someone else who has an ego problem.

Two, Pastor Zac also does not bow his head in reverence for prayer to God. Why not? This to me suggests pride to me also and I want no part of that. What really goes on at those men's retreats anyway?

Three, it does not say Jehovah in my Bible. Everywhere that it should, it has been replaced with "Lord" or the Lord. It is widely known that that Jehovah is God's name. Yet, no where do they actually use it. Also, the songs do not say praise to Jehovah our God or praise Jehovah. They say Lord, God, and Yah and Adonai (who the hell is that btw, why not just say praise Jehovah?). I think they are denying his very name and that does not sit well with me. How can you sing praise to "God" call him something else to suit you, when he has clearly told you his name, call your self a Christian and yet not use the name Jehovah? Do only Jehovah's witnesses actually use God's name? If so, why not the others? I would be hurt if someone called me something else than my name and expected me to think they cared for me. You care for me so much you changed my name and call me instead another name, which is something you want to call me? Pride. Lies and deceit.

After the sermon, they asked if anyone had a decision to make and to please come up to the podium and then ushered us to go to a separate room with the elders. Had I known this I would not have raised my hand but, I did so and so then waited to be seated/seen by the elders for my prayer time. She prayed with me that I would come to know God, that I would continue to attend the church and be moved by Pastor Zac's sermons and get to know his family in God there at Hope. Um, what? Why are you putting Pastor Zac (a stranger to me) in my prayer? I asked to pray for the decision I wanted to make whether to stay in CA, and also my desire to do God's will for me, to prayer for Him to show me what his will for me will be when he desires. She did not really cover that. My relationship with God has nothing to do with you or your church nor do I want it to.

The person assigned to me focused on 2 things:
Am I a born-again Christian?
Do I want to be, to have a relationship with God?

No and No. Herein lies my issue with religion in general. I am not going to church to be converted to the ways of this religious world. Until I whole-heartedly believe that that is the religion according to Gods direction, the church I belong in and that I am in the right place I am not going to just follow blindly. I am going to A church to find whether God is there. I have beliefs about what that church will be like and I feel I will know when I arrive that I have in fact "arrived at the right place." It wont be like the previous Torrance one, and it will not be a cult type church.

Until then, I am still searching. I feel we all want to speak in absolutes. We want definitive answers. We want black, white, and no room for gray in many religions. People, preachers, pastors give answers as if they were God himself and they shirk from questions that might cause them to doubt or second-guess something that they have always "believed to be true". People war over the words of scripture, its meanings and its in-errancy. The Bible is "translated" (changed) over and over again BY MAN. And we have countless books telling us exactly what ‘true’ theology is, what to think, what to believe, and what to do with our lives. Why? Because everyone wants Jesus and God to make sense, we don’t want any holes; we want security. Spiritual security. Thus, you have church culture, all figured out for you and completely safe, it is a clear definition of God for the masses.

And this church culture is not necessarily bad. I believe at some point I will be a product of it. Within the walls of the church I find that I will know is my place. The bible drill, groups, camps, Christian concerts and learning how to pray and listen for God’s voice. But at the end of the day, I do not believe that is all there is to God nor do I want to belong to a church that belittles God to those small minded things.

With everything so perfectly figured out in church culture they are tempted to not ask questions. I ask many. Tempted to believe that we have God all figured out after "all those years of baptism." They are tempted to replace awe and wonder with calculated beliefs and redundant time tested practices. I do not want that. Tempted to take the Holiness out of the Holy. But really, what do I know of Holy? What do you really know of Holy? In our finite minds, not much.

If I lose people in my life whom I have come to love because of this "difference of belief" well then they were never really there in the first place and I have not really lost anything.

I do still have God. It is a wonderful feeling to have God with me for I need not worry about the approval of any other human. I will find others like me. I believe with God's help I will find my way. Every morning I wake up, go to sleep, and every breath I breathe. I want to be with Him. I want to be His worship-per. I want to go to church for Him and Him alone.

Not for church, a religion, or for "fellowship" and for rituals. I want to be a "Christian" a Christ follower, for Him and Him alone. I want to, as Isaiah said, be sent anywhere to do anything for Him and Him alone. If that is the real God, I am His. Every ounce of me. Nothing else will satisfy. I want to serve Him where/when I find Him. His name is Jehovah and yeah, he is my God.

I'm gonna dust off my guitar and keyboard tonight. Write more laterz..

Shawn McDonald

Today I am going to see Shawn McDonald. I am driving 2.5 hours out to Camarillo to go see him sing his praises to God-live. He is one of my favorite artists. This is what I am choosing to do with my Saturday. After this I will prob meet up with the girls for Karaoke at Backstage when I arrive home if I'm not too tired.

Chris is choosing to go to see his friend Rosen and attend a special beach memorial for his friend (Rick) who died (overdosed I think). They will probably all get high/drunk and talk about the "good times" with their dead friend. Sadly, having no real solace when they are sober again and their highs are worn off. Eric is in NYC on business. Sandra is going on a date with another guy she met online-probably still talking about Justin today. Di and Robyn are MIA, and Tia is going to talk to Eric and tell him that if he doesn't want to be with her, let her go and stop talking to her and playing games. Shelley is spending time with her family and Vicki is probably working on DTP but also attempting a weekend. (these 2 names will be coming up a lot very soon, stay tuned).

I will write more later. I will have much to say after seeing Shawn, I think.

Update

I am feeling: frustrated, enlightened, confused, content, curious, happy and intense body aches.

Friday night. Home alone. Stretching/icing, reading, and making great food for myself. Starting to hit me now, the finality of it. "Yes, it is really over and you are both really getting "over it"." I feel it may be starting to hit Chris finally that it is a good idea for us to not be together. I am realizing that this breakup is going to take time to get over! A lot of time.

No matter what the relationship was, it was not healthy. I know that for sure as I know my own ass. Why then am I still checking his email? Am I getting caught on the “what is he thinking/feeling” shit? I need to reread the Greg B. book. Did that small amount of contact on the phone, set me back this far? Has the smallest contact made this even harder? Is this just the natural breakup progression? There is so much more healing and learning to go for me.

This chair is totally uncomfortable as is my entire workstation. I am not going to be able to work very long if this is not remedied. I do not know what I want to do with my life. What to study in school. Having this job I am determining I think what I do not want to do. I am learning to be humble. I am learning to talk to people who I have no style in common with. Things I never want to do are look at numbers all day and put physically labels on things. I have realized I hate that. I am giving this work a serious chance, plus I need to money.

Why do I have to be in such a place, physically/emotionally? Di made a comment that I thought was insightful. I have been deciding to stay here because I said I learned something here and feel like I have more to learn, she said what you learned will never go away. You just need to decide where you really want to be. Everything you have yet to learn in life will not just be here in CA, in one place forever. You will keep learning no matter where you are. She is right. I need to decide where I want to live/go/exist. What I want to do. I now know I want to serve God. I know my purpose. I do not know how or where, or when or even the whys.

Having learned all I have in CoDA, I don't need to know "why" all the time. I am not in control of others, this world, esp not of God, and as soon as I realize that, everything is SO much easier. It is God's world, I live in it to be active in his will for me. Do as you will Lord, I am a willing servant. :)

This DTP thing is not going well. I am going to need some training in this. I thought I was great at Word/Powerpoint and Excel however, I am realizing there are things I do not know and need to refresh myself on. I am beginning work and I am scared.

I took a look at college courses and there are so many things I want to study! I do not have money to throw away for school, and I don't want to have to choose one major right now, because I don't know what I am going to be happy doing as a "career". This is so confusing to me. Am I the only one? I feel alone in this. I will pray on it.

Last night I had a dream that Chris was at my church one Sunday and I saw him, and just went to him and asked him to sit with me. We sat together in the front and sang the praise songs with the band, and listened to the sermon and just ..existed.. sharing in the same space. There was no violence, no talking, no blaming, no planning tomorrow. It was completely silent and afterward we talked a bit - he said goodbye and left. So strange.

Tomorrow I was going to see Shawn McDonald but Karin decided at the last minute that she would sleep there (in Camarillo) if she had to, which I do not have money or time to do, so I had to decline. Shawn McDonald!! Hello! He is the one of my favorite, most inspiring men on.. what the fuck am I thinking, dude? Why am I putting other non-important things over that? Why would I miss that? He isn't coming back to LA anytime soon.

I'm going to go anyway. BRB, gonna call Karin. Ah, too late. She is asleep. Gotta stop crossing my legs gah! =) I hope I can get in touch with her tomorrow. Talk about having your priorities in the wrong place. Glad I caught that one.

Stop crossing my legs!?

I cannot stop crossing my legs when I am sitting in a chair. This is a very bad habit and only serves to make my back in worse condition. I have been told by the Dr. to try to change my posture and stop this thing every chance I get. I have noticed I have attempted to do it more than 20 times today, and those are the just the time I actually have noticed!

Habits. Man they are hard to break, but with hard work and prayer I do believe it can be done. I want to use the camera Chris gave me, but I know I should not.

The bible says the more we think about NOT doing something, or resisting, the more we want to do it. What is in the dark and unspoken will drive us to temptation and sin, what is in the light will be saved.

I;m off to my step study tonight and then reading the Bible, stretching/working out, making food for tomorrow and trying very hard not to smoke. Change my focus when I think of cigarettes. Change my thoughts. Refocus on God? I will try.

I need a massage BADLY! I think I can make it to tomorrow if I ice tonight. We will see.

Day 31

In the delivery of my things from our past and Chris's room (I got my fave shirt back!), there was the camera and charger his mom got us and an iphone holder. I wonder why on earth those were in the mix? I'm in a quandary because I want to return them, but I also am not talking to him for 60 days so I can't ask or inquire.

Dude, why do I still check Chris's email? Not as much as before, but still! It only serves to make me depressed, happy or confused. This is why he needs to change his password. I need to resist this temptation. I saw an invite to him from Rosen for Rick's memorial. Eek. I feel there is no way Chris can go to that and not get high. All his pot smoking friends will be there. I have no idea about Rick or how he died or where or what is going on in Chris's life at all. It's probably better that I don't know.

In other news, I am going to sing tonight at Pancho's - yep, "Dont Know Why-Norah Jones" since I did not get to go to Backstage to sing it the other night and stayed home instead reading the Bible. I'm about to meditate right now, and then ice/stretch and make some dinner before working out on the bike.

Here is what I learned in the last 2 days..

1) we are transformed by trouble
Our most profound experiences with God happen when we are at our lowest points "our darkest days".

They bring us closer to him and to building our character through relations with him. "You'll never know that God is all you need until God is all you've got."

We are like jewels shaped with the hammer and chisel of adversity. If the jewelers hammer isn't strong enough to chip off our rough edges, God will use a sledgehammer. If that isn't sharp enough to shape us, he will use a jackhammer. Every problem is a character building opportunity. We can learn through what Jesus did when he was in pain and suffering, right?

• Remember that God is good.
• Rejoice and give thanks.
• Refuse to give up.

2) growing through temptation

Every temptation is an opportunity to do good. To do the right thing. Fruit of the Spirit is matured through temptation and opportunities for success/failure. Fruit matures and ripens slowly. God wants us to have the qualities of Jesus. love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.

A theory could be that God teaches us love by putting unlovely people in our paths. God teaches us real joy in the midst of sorrow. God teaches us real peace by not making things go as planned, or allowing times of chaos and confusion. We learn to trust in God in those times, when we are tempted to be afraid or worried. Likewise patience is taught by being forced to wait, or temptations to anger or have a short fuse. God causes the opposite situation of each fruit to allow us a choice. We cannot claim to be good if we have never been bad. Or faithful if we have never had the opportunity to be unfaithful. Integrity is built by defeating temptation. humility grows when we refuse to be prideful. Character development always involves choice, and temptation provides this opportunity.

Temptation by the Devil usually works in always the same strategy. It helps to know your weaknesses so you may avoid some temptations that you consistently give in to.

• Refuse to be intimidated. (know you will be tempted and recognize it)
• Recognize your pattern/vulnerability. (when are you most tempted? time of day? where are you tempted? with whom?)
• Request God's help. (he is open 24/7) He said "call on me in times of trouble. I will rescue you and you will honor me"