http://thoughtsofmydelicatemind.blogspot.com/2008/05/what-addicts-do.html
This is really great.
Monday, June 30, 2008
CoDA
So I have been going to these meetings. You may be wondering what it is? This Co-dependency.
Characteristics of codependency:
1. Most often putting the thoughts, feelings, and needs of others first ~ before your own.
2. Feeling that you give more in relationships than you get back.
3. Finding that your caring and loving feelings are turning to resentment because of feeling you are giving too much and are being unappreciated.
4. An inability to say "no" when "no" is warranted.
5. Feelings of substantial insecurity in relationships where there is little to no reason to feel like the relationship is in danger of ending.
6. Experiencing rejection sensitivity. They also often see rejection when it isn't there.
7. Feeling like the relationship "is out of control" or that you are "out of control."
8. Feeling that you won't be OK unless the other person is in your life. People suffering from co-dependence have tremendously strong abandonment fears.
9. An inability to set proper boundaries in relationships. Boundaries are where one person ends off and where one person begins. Boundaries are basically respect and good manners.
10. The inability to feel validated in the relationship regardless of how often they are validated.
11. Unhealthy tolerance of verbal, sexual, or physical abuse. A co-dependent person tends to view abuse as normal.
12. The inability to leave the relationship under any circumstance even when most of the good feelings have left and even if severe abuse is present.
13. Chronically engaging in behavior that is self-defeating in subtle and non-subtle ways.
CONTROL AND THE FOUR BASIC HUMAN NEEDS
When lack of self-control or attempting to control another is present in either party these are missing.
1. The need for safety and security. Whenever our sense of security is threatened, it frightens us and we respond with anger. Good anger management requires that we create safety and security through conversation, working out roles and values to engender trust.
2. The need for a certain amount of power over our environment. Anger is a kind of power. So, when we do not feel we have enough power in our environment we may act out with anger as a means of compensating for the lack of it. The antidote to this difficulty is cooperation and team work. If severe abuse is present the anecdote to an unsafe relationship is to walk away.
3. The experience of a sense of identity. Our identity is a center around which we organize our life. Anger emerges when we feel that our sense of identity is threatened or nonexistent. We need is to find appropriate methods to protect and promote our individuality from those who attempt to control.
4. Fundamental need to belong. The lack of a sense of connectedness to others, isolation and feelings of abandonment can create anger. Anger is often an attempt to bond, to fuse through conflict. We need to find alternatives to anger. Learning to solve problems by communicating without criticism, sarcasm, developing intimacy through active listening allows for other methods of belonging to emerge.
ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS I HAVE HAD: ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS HAVE BEEN ABUSIVE =( THANK GOD MOST LEFT ME – I USED TO THINK IT WAS A BAD THING THEY “LEFT ME”, NOW I SEE IT IS DEF NOT!!! =)
Verbal:
Anthony
Shahn
Yotam
Chad
Johnny
Brandon
Joe
Monday
Chris
Herm
Carlos
Bastion
Anand
Ben
Emotional:
Shahn
Herm
Anthony
Yotam
Chad
Johnny
Joe
Alex
Mike
Anthony (nj)
Brandon
Monday
Chris
Carlos
Barry
Bastion
Anand
Ben
Physical:
Herm
Yotam
Brandon
Alex
Monday
Chris
Anand
Johnny
Sexual:
Alex
Johnny
Monday
Chris
Characteristics of codependency:
1. Most often putting the thoughts, feelings, and needs of others first ~ before your own.
2. Feeling that you give more in relationships than you get back.
3. Finding that your caring and loving feelings are turning to resentment because of feeling you are giving too much and are being unappreciated.
4. An inability to say "no" when "no" is warranted.
5. Feelings of substantial insecurity in relationships where there is little to no reason to feel like the relationship is in danger of ending.
6. Experiencing rejection sensitivity. They also often see rejection when it isn't there.
7. Feeling like the relationship "is out of control" or that you are "out of control."
8. Feeling that you won't be OK unless the other person is in your life. People suffering from co-dependence have tremendously strong abandonment fears.
9. An inability to set proper boundaries in relationships. Boundaries are where one person ends off and where one person begins. Boundaries are basically respect and good manners.
10. The inability to feel validated in the relationship regardless of how often they are validated.
11. Unhealthy tolerance of verbal, sexual, or physical abuse. A co-dependent person tends to view abuse as normal.
12. The inability to leave the relationship under any circumstance even when most of the good feelings have left and even if severe abuse is present.
13. Chronically engaging in behavior that is self-defeating in subtle and non-subtle ways.
CONTROL AND THE FOUR BASIC HUMAN NEEDS
When lack of self-control or attempting to control another is present in either party these are missing.
1. The need for safety and security. Whenever our sense of security is threatened, it frightens us and we respond with anger. Good anger management requires that we create safety and security through conversation, working out roles and values to engender trust.
2. The need for a certain amount of power over our environment. Anger is a kind of power. So, when we do not feel we have enough power in our environment we may act out with anger as a means of compensating for the lack of it. The antidote to this difficulty is cooperation and team work. If severe abuse is present the anecdote to an unsafe relationship is to walk away.
3. The experience of a sense of identity. Our identity is a center around which we organize our life. Anger emerges when we feel that our sense of identity is threatened or nonexistent. We need is to find appropriate methods to protect and promote our individuality from those who attempt to control.
4. Fundamental need to belong. The lack of a sense of connectedness to others, isolation and feelings of abandonment can create anger. Anger is often an attempt to bond, to fuse through conflict. We need to find alternatives to anger. Learning to solve problems by communicating without criticism, sarcasm, developing intimacy through active listening allows for other methods of belonging to emerge.
ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS I HAVE HAD: ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS HAVE BEEN ABUSIVE =( THANK GOD MOST LEFT ME – I USED TO THINK IT WAS A BAD THING THEY “LEFT ME”, NOW I SEE IT IS DEF NOT!!! =)
Verbal:
Anthony
Shahn
Yotam
Chad
Johnny
Brandon
Joe
Monday
Chris
Herm
Carlos
Bastion
Anand
Ben
Emotional:
Shahn
Herm
Anthony
Yotam
Chad
Johnny
Joe
Alex
Mike
Anthony (nj)
Brandon
Monday
Chris
Carlos
Barry
Bastion
Anand
Ben
Physical:
Herm
Yotam
Brandon
Alex
Monday
Chris
Anand
Johnny
Sexual:
Alex
Johnny
Monday
Chris
weeks recap
So this is a recap of this last 2 weeks.
Firstly, the Dial Us for Murder party was a lot fun. I really enjoyed it. I was at first quite nervous, not knowing anyone. The story progressed and different tasks were handed out to keep it going and there was drinking, dancing and joking around and just me playing out the character. I would like to do this in the future with friends I know. However, I realized upon going to church yesterday I was unknowingly "delighting in evil" and felt disturbed afterward. As (though I did not know it at the time) the story changed over the course of the night and the central character turned out to be vampires and the Devil.
Previous to that I hung out with Alice and we had a fun time watching Spirited Away. We ate snacks and Pita Kitchen and she helped me get ready for the 80's party. We took funny pics, talked about our plans for the 4th and I got to see her new place which is awesome! I enjoy hanging out with her.
Then prior to that I was in Santa Monica meeting up with Edward to get the crafts we made in Santa Barbara (a man I met in Santa Barbara w/ his great kids on my visit there) and try to see who he is. If I want to befriend him. The kids creations for me turned out awesome. I am proud to display them! I liked their stuff more than mine!
Edward and I talked about his "ex-wife being abusive to Lexi" when she was little and and how he has fought for the kids and that his family empire would have been in the hands of a woman he could not trust. How his relationship ended/started, etc. He mentioned it was based on "fun" and that she cheated on him and he could never trust her but sees her as a shark in the water, once bitten, and only once. He says he would go back in the water because it is an rare occurrence and will remarry. I was curious how much he would ask me about me, my wants, my interests, my likes, etc as when we had talked on the phone thus far he talked a lot and rarely asked me anything!
I wanted to see if he was capable of thinking of someone not in relation to himself like some men (abusive men) and he asked about me approx 3 times through our time together. Strike 1. We talked about God and he preached his beliefs as truth (I felt like he more lectured than passed ideas along, as he spoke in defining terms and seemingly absolute). I decided this Monday we would go to Griffith. If he does not ask more about me during this evening together I am not going to see him again and will tell him so. At lunch, he stated that he was taking the kids on a road trip and that they really love me, they think i am "exciting, a lot of fun and sweet mannered" and would I want to go with them? I stated I don't feel comfortable going on a road trip with a complete stranger and his children and he urged me to "take a chance."
Um, No is No. If Edward cannot respect that I feel this way on just the 2nd time we hang out, with no feelings, or expectations involved or us even emotionally attached to one another, how much will he be able to respect my No if I am in a relationship with him and he thinks he is entitled to something? He also mentioned in passing he blows up and throws away the kids toys when they don't do what he wants. He also mentioned in passing he would like to get a caretaker for the kids and that Lexi can learn to cook with them, no mention of Elijah learning. Clearly patriarchy. He speaks a lot about his father, and his business and fathers goals and money, and yet very little about his mother. Mother perhaps had a smaller role in the family. Elijah has been scheduled to take over the business. Mhmm. These are the clues to someone's decision making, views on women and personality that you can get when you first meet. These are those "first scenes" I spoke about in my "The Notebook" entry I have my eyes open these days, not closed and hoping. I did not like these statements either.
Meanwhile, I had been talking very lightly to Chris since the 20th - spending less time with him, watching him from afar, open to seeing him but also guarded. Here is what I learned about him in only 2 weeks time of of "building to friendship" slightly allowing him in. While Chris was attempting to befriend me he has: The below can all be learned about by women interested at The Verbally Abusive Relationship - How to Recognize and Respond. (keep in mind it is also a statistical fact that 95% physical batterer cases began with verbal abuse)
Last week:
disrespected my boundaries of physical space - lunged at me in sauna!
had abusive sexual expectations of my body - pressed vocally to touch me
hung up on me in order not to yell - used withholding
This week: (notice too the fast progression of the abuses and types? this is called conditioning)
made abusive disparagements toward an idea - judgment/criticizing
Chris defined me countless # of times & ordered - projections
accused me of trying to date other people - accusations/blame
blamed me and judged my parking at church
insulted me and made jokes about me while I was injured - abuse disguised as "jokes"
angrily said he was not going to pay my hospital bills if he were to take me - anger
omitted facts about getting high and trying to see me while he knew how I felt about it - "forgetting"
All the while still saying "he does love me" and that he has generally "had a good time with me". It's just bullshit. He has shown in actions he is not consistent in good behavior, does not want to change, and will not. He only wants to manipulate/control me and when I have allowed him closer he does not truly respect me or see me as separate in the way that a non-abuser does. His patriarchy and entitlement ideas of women go very deep as far as I'm concerned and I want nothing of it. These ideas/actions/choices of his are just more important to him situationally than being a true friend, or behaving in a caring way toward me consistently. "He cannot be that into you if he is a freak or selfish or a bully." I do not want to be close or friends with this person.
He has lost me, lost his job and now...lost his apartment. I feel due to his abusive attitudes with others (at work/home) and his drug addiction as well as outside circumstances which God is allowing to occur to him to hopefully lovingly learn from his own consequences of his behavior and choices and to be responsible for them. Will he see this and get help? I think not, but only God knows what is really in his heart. I am not going to get in the way of God's gentle corrections. Sadly, his own mother or sister probably will though. He will turn to them for help and they will probably help him never allowing him to experience his own irresponsibility choices and make real changes to his life.
Unfortunately, he also mentioned yesterday he does not have the faith I have in God and though he is looking, does not have the tools. Yes, I guess you don't. I realized while he was saying all of this and thinking of all he is showing the things he has shown, why on earth would I, a now self respecting, Jesus loving, woman who knows about abuse, is capable of commitment, has no fear of abandonment, seeking truth, want to be around someone who has yet no faith and is possibly still addicted to drugs and will not stop trying to manipulate or control me for their own personal gain and makes excuses for their erratic behaviors? Why stay in an unhealthy environment and try to be healthy? THAT IS FOLLY. Even a plant will seek sunlight an a conducive environment to grow.
I am again admonished today by Jesus to forgive and not judge. To love as God loves me. I must work on that. However, Jesus does not say for me have no boundaries with others, to become enmeshed in them and be what they want me to be/do, or remain where your safety is at stake and even your faith can be compromised. The time I spent with Chris in sinful thoughts, I could have been doing God's will for me. The amount of time in his house fondling me I could have been reading the Bible and ministering. God has strong boundaries as should I with believers who are fallen and dangerous to emotional, spiritual well-being. If I am not to be part of this world, I do not want to consort with the worldly without self-control and (righteous indignation).
I will continue to pray for Chris's salvation from afar. There is no need to be up close and personal with someone who clearly is (at times) seeing me as an adversary and not a friend and not desiring of controlling their choices/actions in those times. His self (dream) image of not being abusive and "loving me too much" is too strong a denial for him to stop. Recently, he has stated he KNOWS I DESERVE BETTER TREATMENT. He is aware of what he is doing and not repenting. Instead of being accountable, he is blaming it on himself and his saying he is an awful person! He is crying and blaming it on his own nature...instead of...ugh. I wish he could start praying HARD and see Patrica Evans..
As far as I am concerned, I have planted the seed as best I could. He knows there is a God now and he can do what he wants with it. I have forgiven him for past grievances/trespasses, will not remind him and gave him an opportunity to make amends. I do not need to allow him in my life closer to continue this behavior toward me, as that is fucking stupidity. He must suffer his own consequences and in this case that is losing me as a friend.
In other news, I am deciding whether or not to leave CA and go back to NY for a time until I decide what I want to do with myself for God. I feel a strong calling for missionary work. I am realizing I want to go to school. Not yet sure where/when? I am returning the car in 20 days. I will be getting my own car. I have no income at this time.
I can go home in July and situate my apartment there as well as set myself up here in LA to find a school, move closer to my work and get ready for the next phases of my life.
I also need to plan to go to DR for Sept, these are the important things in my thoughts of self care today.
Firstly, the Dial Us for Murder party was a lot fun. I really enjoyed it. I was at first quite nervous, not knowing anyone. The story progressed and different tasks were handed out to keep it going and there was drinking, dancing and joking around and just me playing out the character. I would like to do this in the future with friends I know. However, I realized upon going to church yesterday I was unknowingly "delighting in evil" and felt disturbed afterward. As (though I did not know it at the time) the story changed over the course of the night and the central character turned out to be vampires and the Devil.
Previous to that I hung out with Alice and we had a fun time watching Spirited Away. We ate snacks and Pita Kitchen and she helped me get ready for the 80's party. We took funny pics, talked about our plans for the 4th and I got to see her new place which is awesome! I enjoy hanging out with her.
Then prior to that I was in Santa Monica meeting up with Edward to get the crafts we made in Santa Barbara (a man I met in Santa Barbara w/ his great kids on my visit there) and try to see who he is. If I want to befriend him. The kids creations for me turned out awesome. I am proud to display them! I liked their stuff more than mine!
Edward and I talked about his "ex-wife being abusive to Lexi" when she was little and and how he has fought for the kids and that his family empire would have been in the hands of a woman he could not trust. How his relationship ended/started, etc. He mentioned it was based on "fun" and that she cheated on him and he could never trust her but sees her as a shark in the water, once bitten, and only once. He says he would go back in the water because it is an rare occurrence and will remarry. I was curious how much he would ask me about me, my wants, my interests, my likes, etc as when we had talked on the phone thus far he talked a lot and rarely asked me anything!
I wanted to see if he was capable of thinking of someone not in relation to himself like some men (abusive men) and he asked about me approx 3 times through our time together. Strike 1. We talked about God and he preached his beliefs as truth (I felt like he more lectured than passed ideas along, as he spoke in defining terms and seemingly absolute). I decided this Monday we would go to Griffith. If he does not ask more about me during this evening together I am not going to see him again and will tell him so. At lunch, he stated that he was taking the kids on a road trip and that they really love me, they think i am "exciting, a lot of fun and sweet mannered" and would I want to go with them? I stated I don't feel comfortable going on a road trip with a complete stranger and his children and he urged me to "take a chance."
Um, No is No. If Edward cannot respect that I feel this way on just the 2nd time we hang out, with no feelings, or expectations involved or us even emotionally attached to one another, how much will he be able to respect my No if I am in a relationship with him and he thinks he is entitled to something? He also mentioned in passing he blows up and throws away the kids toys when they don't do what he wants. He also mentioned in passing he would like to get a caretaker for the kids and that Lexi can learn to cook with them, no mention of Elijah learning. Clearly patriarchy. He speaks a lot about his father, and his business and fathers goals and money, and yet very little about his mother. Mother perhaps had a smaller role in the family. Elijah has been scheduled to take over the business. Mhmm. These are the clues to someone's decision making, views on women and personality that you can get when you first meet. These are those "first scenes" I spoke about in my "The Notebook" entry I have my eyes open these days, not closed and hoping. I did not like these statements either.
Meanwhile, I had been talking very lightly to Chris since the 20th - spending less time with him, watching him from afar, open to seeing him but also guarded. Here is what I learned about him in only 2 weeks time of of "building to friendship" slightly allowing him in. While Chris was attempting to befriend me he has: The below can all be learned about by women interested at The Verbally Abusive Relationship - How to Recognize and Respond. (keep in mind it is also a statistical fact that 95% physical batterer cases began with verbal abuse)
Last week:
disrespected my boundaries of physical space - lunged at me in sauna!
had abusive sexual expectations of my body - pressed vocally to touch me
hung up on me in order not to yell - used withholding
This week: (notice too the fast progression of the abuses and types? this is called conditioning)
made abusive disparagements toward an idea - judgment/criticizing
Chris defined me countless # of times & ordered - projections
accused me of trying to date other people - accusations/blame
blamed me and judged my parking at church
insulted me and made jokes about me while I was injured - abuse disguised as "jokes"
angrily said he was not going to pay my hospital bills if he were to take me - anger
omitted facts about getting high and trying to see me while he knew how I felt about it - "forgetting"
All the while still saying "he does love me" and that he has generally "had a good time with me". It's just bullshit. He has shown in actions he is not consistent in good behavior, does not want to change, and will not. He only wants to manipulate/control me and when I have allowed him closer he does not truly respect me or see me as separate in the way that a non-abuser does. His patriarchy and entitlement ideas of women go very deep as far as I'm concerned and I want nothing of it. These ideas/actions/choices of his are just more important to him situationally than being a true friend, or behaving in a caring way toward me consistently. "He cannot be that into you if he is a freak or selfish or a bully." I do not want to be close or friends with this person.
He has lost me, lost his job and now...lost his apartment. I feel due to his abusive attitudes with others (at work/home) and his drug addiction as well as outside circumstances which God is allowing to occur to him to hopefully lovingly learn from his own consequences of his behavior and choices and to be responsible for them. Will he see this and get help? I think not, but only God knows what is really in his heart. I am not going to get in the way of God's gentle corrections. Sadly, his own mother or sister probably will though. He will turn to them for help and they will probably help him never allowing him to experience his own irresponsibility choices and make real changes to his life.
Unfortunately, he also mentioned yesterday he does not have the faith I have in God and though he is looking, does not have the tools. Yes, I guess you don't. I realized while he was saying all of this and thinking of all he is showing the things he has shown, why on earth would I, a now self respecting, Jesus loving, woman who knows about abuse, is capable of commitment, has no fear of abandonment, seeking truth, want to be around someone who has yet no faith and is possibly still addicted to drugs and will not stop trying to manipulate or control me for their own personal gain and makes excuses for their erratic behaviors? Why stay in an unhealthy environment and try to be healthy? THAT IS FOLLY. Even a plant will seek sunlight an a conducive environment to grow.
I am again admonished today by Jesus to forgive and not judge. To love as God loves me. I must work on that. However, Jesus does not say for me have no boundaries with others, to become enmeshed in them and be what they want me to be/do, or remain where your safety is at stake and even your faith can be compromised. The time I spent with Chris in sinful thoughts, I could have been doing God's will for me. The amount of time in his house fondling me I could have been reading the Bible and ministering. God has strong boundaries as should I with believers who are fallen and dangerous to emotional, spiritual well-being. If I am not to be part of this world, I do not want to consort with the worldly without self-control and (righteous indignation).
I will continue to pray for Chris's salvation from afar. There is no need to be up close and personal with someone who clearly is (at times) seeing me as an adversary and not a friend and not desiring of controlling their choices/actions in those times. His self (dream) image of not being abusive and "loving me too much" is too strong a denial for him to stop. Recently, he has stated he KNOWS I DESERVE BETTER TREATMENT. He is aware of what he is doing and not repenting. Instead of being accountable, he is blaming it on himself and his saying he is an awful person! He is crying and blaming it on his own nature...instead of...ugh. I wish he could start praying HARD and see Patrica Evans..
As far as I am concerned, I have planted the seed as best I could. He knows there is a God now and he can do what he wants with it. I have forgiven him for past grievances/trespasses, will not remind him and gave him an opportunity to make amends. I do not need to allow him in my life closer to continue this behavior toward me, as that is fucking stupidity. He must suffer his own consequences and in this case that is losing me as a friend.
In other news, I am deciding whether or not to leave CA and go back to NY for a time until I decide what I want to do with myself for God. I feel a strong calling for missionary work. I am realizing I want to go to school. Not yet sure where/when? I am returning the car in 20 days. I will be getting my own car. I have no income at this time.
I can go home in July and situate my apartment there as well as set myself up here in LA to find a school, move closer to my work and get ready for the next phases of my life.
I also need to plan to go to DR for Sept, these are the important things in my thoughts of self care today.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Got my character!
I am attending a rock and roll 80's murder mystery party.
http://www.dialusformurder.com/skizzlz/skizzlzmain.html
This is my first ever. I am Ms. Knockers. I have no idea what to expect or what it will be like. I think overall its going to be fun that is all I am looking for really!
Dial Us For Murder ©
- 1 -
MS. KNOCKERS
YOUR BAND: SCHATZI PALLATZI
WHO YOU ARE: Mr. Blinky and Ms. Knockers make up Schatzi Pallatzi, one of the newest hip duo under the SnM umbrella. They are also the savior of Clovania, the small Eastern European country hardly (if ever) heard of but discovered to be suffering horribly from starvation and poverty. The poor Clovanian children! Schatzi Pallatzi is making a name for itself as organizer of The Collection, a group of mismatched European bands and artists, such bands as OhNo! And the male NOT gay duo, Whack! They all came together to record, “Do They Know It’s Arbor Day?” to raise money for Clovania. “Save Clovania!” is your motto. It’s also an excellent way to impress SnM and win Harold Hughes’ prize – whatever it is. Being such a do-gooder band has its benefits, and Schatzi Pallatzi and The Collection intend to take advantage of that.
YOUR DARK SECRET:
Or should I say secrets??
1. You lip synch. Neither of you can sing or play an instrument to save your new
‘vettes, so you lip synch to some bullshit band you discovered in Sweden, The
Idol Pumpers, paying them off to go underground and share their tunes. In fact,
you don’t even commit to an instrument, always just kind of vague on what you
actually play.
2. Clovania is bullshit. Mr. Blinky made it up just to scam people into donating
money. You’ll be keeping all the proceeds, thank you very much. Making up
detailed stories about Clovania and its suffering people will warm the hearts of
even the most vile rockers and will secure the prize.
ABOUT YOU:
You’re Ms. Knockers, Blinky’s co-band member, also totally unskilled in the musical
world. Blinky is brilliant and claims to have managed bands before as well as had his
hands in many successful business. You do wonder why he’s not richer and why you’ve
never found his name in any research you’ve done, microfiching around the library. Odd.
You once found some mail in his flat addressed to a Myron Lollylott. A lot of mail.
Who is Myron? You haven’t asked Blinky, but you’re going to ask around at the party.
Surely, someone knows who that is? Could it be someone he used to manage, and if so,
why does he have his mail?
You love an adventure and you’re going to do anything in your power to make sure you
win the contest (whatever it is!) and find dirt on all the other bands to disqualify them.
And if you can’t find dirt on them, you’ll make it up.
http://www.dialusformurder.com/skizzlz/skizzlzmain.html
This is my first ever. I am Ms. Knockers. I have no idea what to expect or what it will be like. I think overall its going to be fun that is all I am looking for really!
Dial Us For Murder ©
- 1 -
MS. KNOCKERS
YOUR BAND: SCHATZI PALLATZI
WHO YOU ARE: Mr. Blinky and Ms. Knockers make up Schatzi Pallatzi, one of the newest hip duo under the SnM umbrella. They are also the savior of Clovania, the small Eastern European country hardly (if ever) heard of but discovered to be suffering horribly from starvation and poverty. The poor Clovanian children! Schatzi Pallatzi is making a name for itself as organizer of The Collection, a group of mismatched European bands and artists, such bands as OhNo! And the male NOT gay duo, Whack! They all came together to record, “Do They Know It’s Arbor Day?” to raise money for Clovania. “Save Clovania!” is your motto. It’s also an excellent way to impress SnM and win Harold Hughes’ prize – whatever it is. Being such a do-gooder band has its benefits, and Schatzi Pallatzi and The Collection intend to take advantage of that.
YOUR DARK SECRET:
Or should I say secrets??
1. You lip synch. Neither of you can sing or play an instrument to save your new
‘vettes, so you lip synch to some bullshit band you discovered in Sweden, The
Idol Pumpers, paying them off to go underground and share their tunes. In fact,
you don’t even commit to an instrument, always just kind of vague on what you
actually play.
2. Clovania is bullshit. Mr. Blinky made it up just to scam people into donating
money. You’ll be keeping all the proceeds, thank you very much. Making up
detailed stories about Clovania and its suffering people will warm the hearts of
even the most vile rockers and will secure the prize.
ABOUT YOU:
You’re Ms. Knockers, Blinky’s co-band member, also totally unskilled in the musical
world. Blinky is brilliant and claims to have managed bands before as well as had his
hands in many successful business. You do wonder why he’s not richer and why you’ve
never found his name in any research you’ve done, microfiching around the library. Odd.
You once found some mail in his flat addressed to a Myron Lollylott. A lot of mail.
Who is Myron? You haven’t asked Blinky, but you’re going to ask around at the party.
Surely, someone knows who that is? Could it be someone he used to manage, and if so,
why does he have his mail?
You love an adventure and you’re going to do anything in your power to make sure you
win the contest (whatever it is!) and find dirt on all the other bands to disqualify them.
And if you can’t find dirt on them, you’ll make it up.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Me and Luke!
fab0ne: hows it going?
me: wow weird.. how are you? i was just thinking of you earlier
fab0ne: maybe my ears were ringing.
i am well.
loving this gig i am working.
me: what are you doing now?
fab0ne: i am working as associate video designer with Blue Man Productions
me: oh nice! in PA?
fab0ne: not on regular blue man shows. on project that they teamed up with another company.
NY
i am living in Queens. till atleast march
working at broadway and houston
me: oh wow
great!
fab0ne: the show is mobile vaudeville. actors in the environment. integrated with media cues. driving around on bus viewing it
me: damn i want a gig I love...
how the hell do I do it though?
fab0ne: it is just so random how this stuff works out.
me: i know
i will pray the same happens to me
how is your personal life going also?
Sent at 6:38 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: my girlfriend is visiting me from tokyo on Sat. for two weeks.
Sent at 6:39 PM on Thursday
me: sweet!
how did you guys meet?
fab0ne: she was studying in philadelphia
me: then moved to Tokyo?
fab0ne: well she was exchange student. then went back.
i was there in april
she was here in febuary
we had 5 months before that when we didn't see each other.
Sent at 6:42 PM on Thursday
me: how did you keep in touch?
Sent at 6:44 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: we skype and message. we both have skype in and out and skype to go.
so its pretty easy
me: i have skype too!
thats cool
and do you video conference and all?
fab0ne: yeah.
Sent at 6:45 PM on Thursday
me: is it easy to stay completely faithful to someone so far away from you?
fab0ne: yeah cause i am a nerd.
me: so if u felt more women were interested it would be more or less difficult?
fab0ne: haha
well i try to walk the line. i don't really talk to women outside of work too much.
me: that helps
ad your woman has built trust with you also.. ?
fab0ne: i am not much for casual dating or relationships.
me: im asking because you are both far away from one another and life is life..
fab0ne: yeah. we are pretty syncopated with our lives even though we are apart.
me: very cool
very cool! im glad to hear it!
fab0ne: this city is full of beautiful women though. i am not saying i don't notice that.
me: yeah but you dont act on it which is really nice for your girl
and her city im sure is the same :)
fab0ne: i would feel so bad about myself. i have a really strong conscience.
me: that is wonderful
i do too
fab0ne: i am still at the studio.
me: want to talk another time?
fab0ne: rendering out video. tomorrow is our first test run of show.
me: ah ok
fab0ne: chatting is fine. video is rendering.
me: so what else is up what is there to do in queens these days?
fab0ne: all i know about queens is tacos.
me: LOL
fab0ne: and Vietnamese food
me: food?
thats what you're up to/
working and eating
you know? not bad!
fab0ne: i am living in jackson heights. my room mate is a chemist. i have known her for 8 or 9 years. she is from PA. she needed a room mate and timing worked out.
Sent at 6:57 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: i kind of wish i was in manhattan. commute is 40 minutes.
me: eeek yeah
i dont miss living in Queens working in NYC
fab0ne: not too bad. i use computer on subway. but i had no time to look for a place.
i had one free week between gigs.
i was in Mississippi and then Philly and then Tokyo and then week off and then here.
me: eek
glad u found that place!!
Sent at 7:01 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: yeah. for real.
me: could have been a tough outcome!
the traveling aint so bad either
fab0ne: i would have had to live in a hostel.
or in the subway.
not really. but it would have been rough.
me: lol
looks like my fate if i dont make a decision soon!
Sent at 7:04 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: are you moving?
me: im making a decision as to move or not
Sent at 7:05 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: what are the options like?
me: well if you have the time i would like to talk to someone about it
Sent at 7:07 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: i am here for a while
me: basically my family is over there.. and I am over here. I miss them but i dont have the best relationship with them. however, my g'rents are getting old and they are going to die soon. i have expenses here and need a car. my expenses are about 2,300 a month and that is w/out cool shit like a Wii or a nice wardrobe and dinner outings.
my expenses there are the same without the car because car = trans (bus, subway etc)
however, school here is the cheapest in the country
and i have no job because i dont have a degree
if i go to school there i could get some shit job in the meantime
but wont have money to save or be able to attend/afford schooling without loans
which i dont want to do
here htere are no shit jobs because every thing is far and you have to drive everywhere
i want to be with my g'rents before they go
but i also want to get an education for free while i can
i have a place there and place here
and i need to give 30 days notice here if i am moving out
fab0ne: that is a big decision.
me: and if im not leaving here then i need to let that place go
i know! :(
the other thing is I feel much safer here than there.. as my neighborhood is dangerous over there
fab0ne: well i say school should be priority.
me: and here i live in basically a vacation home
lol
but i cannot keep affording it if i dont find work
then im only spending and not taking money in..and i dont believe in that
fab0ne: its tough decision.
me: it is!
and ive been trying to make it for like the last 2 months
Sent at 7:14 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: are you in school?
Sent at 7:16 PM on Thursday
me: no
fab0ne: are you going to be able to go to school and survive?
me: no
i wont if i cannot get a job
and unless i have at least a 2 year
i cant get a job
that pays for $2000 in expenses
ugh
i feel hopeless right now
i know everything will work out
fab0ne: yeah.
me: i just wish icould find my answers quickly
fab0ne: it will.
me: and make a decision and go with it
but because im scared to choose the wrong one
im not making one!
i really dont want to lose my apt here
and i dont want my g'rents to die not knowing me
having me around to do things for them
fab0ne: hmm?
me: they deserve that from me after all they have done for me
fab0ne: well i understand that. i spent lots of time with my nana over the last two years. but you have to live your life.
me: if i was just lving my life
i wouldnt leave
would try to find a job here and just go to damn school
and if i didnt make any money or find work
i would use my savings for school
to pay it off as it is not as expensive as in the country
$23 per semester per class!
i mean there is no other schooling i can get at that price
fab0ne: you should go to school there.
that is great!!
me: i know
but then if they die..
omg Luke i will never forgive myself
fab0ne: g'parents are important. and they will die. but you need to do what is right for you. your not going to save them. you need to get your feet on the ground and have a life that you like.
me: what is right for me is to get my degree and work hard
Sent at 7:25 PM on Thursday
me: what is right for me is becoming a true adult and taking care of myself
as well as I can
and helping others
me: hmmm i dk
i just dk, i gotta make this decision soon. very soon.
fab0ne
me: wow weird.. how are you? i was just thinking of you earlier
fab0ne: maybe my ears were ringing.
i am well.
loving this gig i am working.
me: what are you doing now?
fab0ne: i am working as associate video designer with Blue Man Productions
me: oh nice! in PA?
fab0ne: not on regular blue man shows. on project that they teamed up with another company.
NY
i am living in Queens. till atleast march
working at broadway and houston
me: oh wow
great!
fab0ne: the show is mobile vaudeville. actors in the environment. integrated with media cues. driving around on bus viewing it
me: damn i want a gig I love...
how the hell do I do it though?
fab0ne: it is just so random how this stuff works out.
me: i know
i will pray the same happens to me
how is your personal life going also?
Sent at 6:38 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: my girlfriend is visiting me from tokyo on Sat. for two weeks.
Sent at 6:39 PM on Thursday
me: sweet!
how did you guys meet?
fab0ne: she was studying in philadelphia
me: then moved to Tokyo?
fab0ne: well she was exchange student. then went back.
i was there in april
she was here in febuary
we had 5 months before that when we didn't see each other.
Sent at 6:42 PM on Thursday
me: how did you keep in touch?
Sent at 6:44 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: we skype and message. we both have skype in and out and skype to go.
so its pretty easy
me: i have skype too!
thats cool
and do you video conference and all?
fab0ne: yeah.
Sent at 6:45 PM on Thursday
me: is it easy to stay completely faithful to someone so far away from you?
fab0ne: yeah cause i am a nerd.
me: so if u felt more women were interested it would be more or less difficult?
fab0ne: haha
well i try to walk the line. i don't really talk to women outside of work too much.
me: that helps
ad your woman has built trust with you also.. ?
fab0ne: i am not much for casual dating or relationships.
me: im asking because you are both far away from one another and life is life..
fab0ne: yeah. we are pretty syncopated with our lives even though we are apart.
me: very cool
very cool! im glad to hear it!
fab0ne: this city is full of beautiful women though. i am not saying i don't notice that.
me: yeah but you dont act on it which is really nice for your girl
and her city im sure is the same :)
fab0ne: i would feel so bad about myself. i have a really strong conscience.
me: that is wonderful
i do too
fab0ne: i am still at the studio.
me: want to talk another time?
fab0ne: rendering out video. tomorrow is our first test run of show.
me: ah ok
fab0ne: chatting is fine. video is rendering.
me: so what else is up what is there to do in queens these days?
fab0ne: all i know about queens is tacos.
me: LOL
fab0ne: and Vietnamese food
me: food?
thats what you're up to/
working and eating
you know? not bad!
fab0ne: i am living in jackson heights. my room mate is a chemist. i have known her for 8 or 9 years. she is from PA. she needed a room mate and timing worked out.
Sent at 6:57 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: i kind of wish i was in manhattan. commute is 40 minutes.
me: eeek yeah
i dont miss living in Queens working in NYC
fab0ne: not too bad. i use computer on subway. but i had no time to look for a place.
i had one free week between gigs.
i was in Mississippi and then Philly and then Tokyo and then week off and then here.
me: eek
glad u found that place!!
Sent at 7:01 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: yeah. for real.
me: could have been a tough outcome!
the traveling aint so bad either
fab0ne: i would have had to live in a hostel.
or in the subway.
not really. but it would have been rough.
me: lol
looks like my fate if i dont make a decision soon!
Sent at 7:04 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: are you moving?
me: im making a decision as to move or not
Sent at 7:05 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: what are the options like?
me: well if you have the time i would like to talk to someone about it
Sent at 7:07 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: i am here for a while
me: basically my family is over there.. and I am over here. I miss them but i dont have the best relationship with them. however, my g'rents are getting old and they are going to die soon. i have expenses here and need a car. my expenses are about 2,300 a month and that is w/out cool shit like a Wii or a nice wardrobe and dinner outings.
my expenses there are the same without the car because car = trans (bus, subway etc)
however, school here is the cheapest in the country
and i have no job because i dont have a degree
if i go to school there i could get some shit job in the meantime
but wont have money to save or be able to attend/afford schooling without loans
which i dont want to do
here htere are no shit jobs because every thing is far and you have to drive everywhere
i want to be with my g'rents before they go
but i also want to get an education for free while i can
i have a place there and place here
and i need to give 30 days notice here if i am moving out
fab0ne: that is a big decision.
me: and if im not leaving here then i need to let that place go
i know! :(
the other thing is I feel much safer here than there.. as my neighborhood is dangerous over there
fab0ne: well i say school should be priority.
me: and here i live in basically a vacation home
lol
but i cannot keep affording it if i dont find work
then im only spending and not taking money in..and i dont believe in that
fab0ne: its tough decision.
me: it is!
and ive been trying to make it for like the last 2 months
Sent at 7:14 PM on Thursday
fab0ne: are you in school?
Sent at 7:16 PM on Thursday
me: no
fab0ne: are you going to be able to go to school and survive?
me: no
i wont if i cannot get a job
and unless i have at least a 2 year
i cant get a job
that pays for $2000 in expenses
ugh
i feel hopeless right now
i know everything will work out
fab0ne: yeah.
me: i just wish icould find my answers quickly
fab0ne: it will.
me: and make a decision and go with it
but because im scared to choose the wrong one
im not making one!
i really dont want to lose my apt here
and i dont want my g'rents to die not knowing me
having me around to do things for them
fab0ne: hmm?
me: they deserve that from me after all they have done for me
fab0ne: well i understand that. i spent lots of time with my nana over the last two years. but you have to live your life.
me: if i was just lving my life
i wouldnt leave
would try to find a job here and just go to damn school
and if i didnt make any money or find work
i would use my savings for school
to pay it off as it is not as expensive as in the country
$23 per semester per class!
i mean there is no other schooling i can get at that price
fab0ne: you should go to school there.
that is great!!
me: i know
but then if they die..
omg Luke i will never forgive myself
fab0ne: g'parents are important. and they will die. but you need to do what is right for you. your not going to save them. you need to get your feet on the ground and have a life that you like.
me: what is right for me is to get my degree and work hard
Sent at 7:25 PM on Thursday
me: what is right for me is becoming a true adult and taking care of myself
as well as I can
and helping others
me: hmmm i dk
i just dk, i gotta make this decision soon. very soon.
fab0ne
Monday, June 16, 2008
Backsliding and Retrospect 2
starting over is hard. starting over again is even harder. backsliding with an ex stops progress in its tracks and sends you back to the hellish pain you were trying to claw your way out of. it undoes all the hard work and progress in an instant. though it may feel good to talk to him/see him in the moment, it only serves to mess you up in the long run. who deserves that? NOT YOU.
its always tempting for both parties to revisit the crime scene. esp in the first month post breakup. I miss him, I long for him, he may miss me too but.. BUT...he has NO INTENTION of getting back together. The point is to move to a better place of resilience, strength and whole again. optimistic self control.
backsliding not only gives an instant refresher course in heartache but moreover it makes the "friends" excuse/situation unnecessarily cloudy. There isn't anything that's cloudy about it. You're still not right together, you're staying broken up, and HE'S STILL MOVING ON.
temptations are ghosts from the relationship, bad suggestions from the voice in your head. Friends after a breakup without extensive time is the worst relationship because in effect you are saying to him, "yes, you can still have access to me WITHOUT ANY EMOTIONAL responsibility to me." It says "my self worth is still in your hands." "It's o.k. if you don't want to be my boyfriend anymore" "i will take whatever scraps you give me."
How could something that feels so good be so bad? Doing things you did in the relationship as "friends" is far worse than the feeling of being alone. It's too much to take when he is rambling on about his life which does not include you anymore, and every conversation, IM, email, visit will NEVER result in getting back your life together. He is moving on as should you. Everyone surveyed in Breakup because its broken said the best course of action was not to see or sleep with their ex. Not 1 person volunteered said this resulted in helping them move on.
that sure as hell is no longer me. wants to see what its like to be my friend now that I am changed? as an experiment. wants to give me what he could not give in the relationship then? i'm worth so much more. so again I am jumping back on the horse and trying again. here's to another 60 days. time to get back on that horse and try again. i will have to try harder, knowing i am worth so much more! :)
lots of shit happened this week. news and pics to come soon! off to pray and sleep and try again. i led that horse to water in more ways than one. i have done what i was sent to do. i cannot however make him drink or stand by wondering if he sees the water. i must too move on.
its always tempting for both parties to revisit the crime scene. esp in the first month post breakup. I miss him, I long for him, he may miss me too but.. BUT...he has NO INTENTION of getting back together. The point is to move to a better place of resilience, strength and whole again. optimistic self control.
backsliding not only gives an instant refresher course in heartache but moreover it makes the "friends" excuse/situation unnecessarily cloudy. There isn't anything that's cloudy about it. You're still not right together, you're staying broken up, and HE'S STILL MOVING ON.
temptations are ghosts from the relationship, bad suggestions from the voice in your head. Friends after a breakup without extensive time is the worst relationship because in effect you are saying to him, "yes, you can still have access to me WITHOUT ANY EMOTIONAL responsibility to me." It says "my self worth is still in your hands." "It's o.k. if you don't want to be my boyfriend anymore" "i will take whatever scraps you give me."
How could something that feels so good be so bad? Doing things you did in the relationship as "friends" is far worse than the feeling of being alone. It's too much to take when he is rambling on about his life which does not include you anymore, and every conversation, IM, email, visit will NEVER result in getting back your life together. He is moving on as should you. Everyone surveyed in Breakup because its broken said the best course of action was not to see or sleep with their ex. Not 1 person volunteered said this resulted in helping them move on.
that sure as hell is no longer me. wants to see what its like to be my friend now that I am changed? as an experiment. wants to give me what he could not give in the relationship then? i'm worth so much more. so again I am jumping back on the horse and trying again. here's to another 60 days. time to get back on that horse and try again. i will have to try harder, knowing i am worth so much more! :)
lots of shit happened this week. news and pics to come soon! off to pray and sleep and try again. i led that horse to water in more ways than one. i have done what i was sent to do. i cannot however make him drink or stand by wondering if he sees the water. i must too move on.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Letters to God
6/19
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for blessing me today with health and no pain in my back. Please bless all those whom I have met this week going through trials and tribulations of their own, and help them to come to know you and your love for them, Lord that they may find some peace. Please bless my family and friends and your will be done and pave the way for them to know you, Jesus.
Please forgive those who would hurt me. Please help me to stop talking to Chris as he is clearly not good for me at this time and I need to be in safety and remain in safe and healthy relational situations.
Please help Chris to continue to come to know you God, and also to start to bear the fruits of the Spirit, within your time! He is clearly using you to manipulate me and please forgive him for that Jehovah as he truly "does not know what he does".
Please give me the strength to move on and make these hard life decisions that I need to make for myself and my life's future. I leave it all in your loving capable hands, Jesus for only through you am I saved. Give me wisdom to see the error of my ways and continue to "open my eyes so I may see", "open my ears so I may hear" and "open my heart so I may know" your love, purpose, will & direction for me. I apologize for not giving you my 100% today.
All these things I ask, pray, and give thanks, in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, Amen
6/11
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for blessing me and giving me one more day of life. Today was beautiful! I feel very lucky to be here. Jehovah please bless Chris and allow him to find you in his sadness and weakness. Please help me to keep you in my heart at all times and act in ways that show your love and mercy. Please help me to fully let go and let you take over as I am weak without you and imperfect. Please help me to stop lying Lord Jesus and continue to show me and teach me your ways so I may gradually become more like you. Please bless my family, friends and help me to find your people Lord so that I may cherish and grow with those who love, appreciate you and your gifts to us. I want to be surrounded in your love, I want to do your will. Chris cried tonight. I do not want to hurt others Lord, I want to love as you have loved me and forgive as you have forgiven me. Let your will be done here on earth as it is in Heaven and please forgive my trespasses as I will try to forgive those who trespass against me. Through your living Word and example.
All these things I ask, pray and give thanks in the name of your Son, Jesus Chris,
Amen
6/9
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for today. I appreciate you allowing me to see the beauty in my nearby awareness. Please help me to stop lying. Please help me to see, hear and open my mind to your truth and allow me to recognize emotional detachment and lies in myself. Please separate me from the worldly and their ways. Please bring me closer to you. Please allow me to continue to know and get to know you more. Please help me to find your will for me God. I want to do your will only and find your truth whether here or somewhere else in the world. Please help my family, friends and Chris to come to know you and the sacrifices made for them by your son, Jesus. I have invited him to church Jehovah and that is the only time I will see him/speak with him at length for the week. Please help me to remain strong in this. Please bless those who are suffering all over the world as we all need you now more than ever.
All these things I ask pray, and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ,
Amen
6/5
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for this beautiful day! Please help me to stop lying and exaggerating, Lord. I want to be like you. If I will say "I know you", I must discontinue this. I am glad I am at least noticing it, however now I must work to stop. Please help my family and friends and Chris come to know you Jesus and your sacrifice for us. I want to know your will for me, Lord. I want to do your will. I am sorry I did not speak to you today as much. I did miss you. I will try harder tomorrow. I will not give up on you as you never give up on me. Thank you for your blessings God. Thank you for being my ever loving Father, Jehovah.
All these things I ask pray, and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ,
Amen
6/4
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for the day. Thank you for my strength and breath of life at 9am, the time I was shooting for! I feel so lucky today to be yours and wonderful. I am sorry for complaining to you about my mouth pain issue. I know you will never give me more than I can handle, and that there are those with much worse pains and annoyances. I pray that my family and friends come to know you, Lord. What may I do for you tomorrow that would cause a smile, God? Please help Chris to come to learn about you, Jesus. Please bring him away from escapism and pain and closer to empathy and life. Thank you for blessing me this week! I appreciate your messages to me today. The book of Romans and Acts have been very helpful to me in these last weeks. The sermon on you love was the informative I have had thus. As I meet new people, Jehovah, please bring the people into my life who have the qualities you admire and care for your will as I do. Please bring me closer to those in faith, love and kindness. Thank you for giving me insight today and bless my outing tomorrow with Todd and his gf. Also those in other countries without water and human right to worship, please pour out your love, mercy and blessings on them and keep their spirits high. All these things I ask pray, and give thanks in the name of your loving son, my Savior Jesus Christ,
Amen
6/2
Dear Jehovah,
Thanks you for my breath today! Thank you for me not feeling pain and hopefully helping that homeless man. I want to die to me. Please help me to be strong in my faith and better prophesy your name and message. I am grateful for Jesus in my life. I cherish the blood and the body. I want to sing to you, Lord. I want to sing your praises. Please help me to get closer to your will for me. I pray for those who are suffering in other countries Jehovah. I pray for my family that they may come to know your gift and undying love before they die. I want to cut the body parts that keep me from Christ in temptation. I would like to pray for Chris Jehovah that he comes to know your strength and love so he may fight his battles. Please help me to forgive my stepfather Jesus by your examples. You are the shining light that keeps me enveloped and gaining understanding. Do not let me fall away. Show your will to me so I may say "Yes, Lord" and follow with resounding praise and obedience. I pray for my friends that they come to know you Lord with humility or just though my acts and daily renewal.
All these things I ask pray, and give thanks in the name of Jesus Christ, my Savior,
Amen
5/29
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you so much for giving me today. Thank you for letting me feel no pain today. I appreciate the opportunity you gave me to serve you. I am trying to be strong. I am trying not to give in. I don't know my direction but I trust your will for me completely. I would like to pray that my family and friends come to know you as I am. I pray you give them opportunities to find you. Please show me your will for me Lord. Please show me the way. I want to be like your son. I want to come to know him as a best friend, Father. Open my eyes so I may see, please tell me the seed has fallen on fertile ground with me Jehovah. I seek you. I seek you! Please let your will be done tomorrow and help me to forgive those who intend to hurt me. Help me to be strong in my humility and persevere in your living Word.
All these things I ask pray, and give thanks in the name of your loving son, Jesus Christ,
Amen
5/20
Dear Jehovah,
Please bless me and help me to be stronger in not telling lies or exaggerations. I would like to pray for my family, friends, and Chris to come to know you Father. I know I am human and have fallen short repeatedly. Thank you for continuing to bless me and allow my eyes to be open so I may still see my wrongs and change them. Please help me to know and do your will for me, God. I do not know why I have been fighting myself for the last 3 days. Help me to steer from laziness and self doubt, please. I do not want to be in a weakened fear state for the evil one to get in. Keep protecting me Jehovah. Keep showing me and lighting my path to you Lord.
All these things I ask, pray, and give thanks in the name of your son, my savior Jesus Christ,
Amen
5/18
Dear Jehovah,
Please bless my friends and family and my current enemies. Help them to find their way to you Lord. Help me to find your will for me and not shrink back in fear. Ground me Jehovah so I may be as rock in doing your will. Thank you for the many blessings you have given me! Please continue to "open my eyes so I can see, open my ears so I can hear and open my mind so I may know" your words. Thank you Jesus for giving your life for mine. I will strive to remember this when speaking to others of you and your love for them and try to treat them as you would have. Please bless and show kindness to those in tribulations through no fault of their own who are being persecuted and nipped at the heels by the Devil. We need you Jehovah. We need the return of the true Jesus so we may have peace and love for all eternity. I look forward to singing your praises tomorrow at church or otherwise!
All these things I ask pray, and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ,
Amen
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for blessing me today with health and no pain in my back. Please bless all those whom I have met this week going through trials and tribulations of their own, and help them to come to know you and your love for them, Lord that they may find some peace. Please bless my family and friends and your will be done and pave the way for them to know you, Jesus.
Please forgive those who would hurt me. Please help me to stop talking to Chris as he is clearly not good for me at this time and I need to be in safety and remain in safe and healthy relational situations.
Please help Chris to continue to come to know you God, and also to start to bear the fruits of the Spirit, within your time! He is clearly using you to manipulate me and please forgive him for that Jehovah as he truly "does not know what he does".
Please give me the strength to move on and make these hard life decisions that I need to make for myself and my life's future. I leave it all in your loving capable hands, Jesus for only through you am I saved. Give me wisdom to see the error of my ways and continue to "open my eyes so I may see", "open my ears so I may hear" and "open my heart so I may know" your love, purpose, will & direction for me. I apologize for not giving you my 100% today.
All these things I ask, pray, and give thanks, in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, Amen
6/11
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for blessing me and giving me one more day of life. Today was beautiful! I feel very lucky to be here. Jehovah please bless Chris and allow him to find you in his sadness and weakness. Please help me to keep you in my heart at all times and act in ways that show your love and mercy. Please help me to fully let go and let you take over as I am weak without you and imperfect. Please help me to stop lying Lord Jesus and continue to show me and teach me your ways so I may gradually become more like you. Please bless my family, friends and help me to find your people Lord so that I may cherish and grow with those who love, appreciate you and your gifts to us. I want to be surrounded in your love, I want to do your will. Chris cried tonight. I do not want to hurt others Lord, I want to love as you have loved me and forgive as you have forgiven me. Let your will be done here on earth as it is in Heaven and please forgive my trespasses as I will try to forgive those who trespass against me. Through your living Word and example.
All these things I ask, pray and give thanks in the name of your Son, Jesus Chris,
Amen
6/9
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for today. I appreciate you allowing me to see the beauty in my nearby awareness. Please help me to stop lying. Please help me to see, hear and open my mind to your truth and allow me to recognize emotional detachment and lies in myself. Please separate me from the worldly and their ways. Please bring me closer to you. Please allow me to continue to know and get to know you more. Please help me to find your will for me God. I want to do your will only and find your truth whether here or somewhere else in the world. Please help my family, friends and Chris to come to know you and the sacrifices made for them by your son, Jesus. I have invited him to church Jehovah and that is the only time I will see him/speak with him at length for the week. Please help me to remain strong in this. Please bless those who are suffering all over the world as we all need you now more than ever.
All these things I ask pray, and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ,
Amen
6/5
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for this beautiful day! Please help me to stop lying and exaggerating, Lord. I want to be like you. If I will say "I know you", I must discontinue this. I am glad I am at least noticing it, however now I must work to stop. Please help my family and friends and Chris come to know you Jesus and your sacrifice for us. I want to know your will for me, Lord. I want to do your will. I am sorry I did not speak to you today as much. I did miss you. I will try harder tomorrow. I will not give up on you as you never give up on me. Thank you for your blessings God. Thank you for being my ever loving Father, Jehovah.
All these things I ask pray, and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ,
Amen
6/4
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you for the day. Thank you for my strength and breath of life at 9am, the time I was shooting for! I feel so lucky today to be yours and wonderful. I am sorry for complaining to you about my mouth pain issue. I know you will never give me more than I can handle, and that there are those with much worse pains and annoyances. I pray that my family and friends come to know you, Lord. What may I do for you tomorrow that would cause a smile, God? Please help Chris to come to learn about you, Jesus. Please bring him away from escapism and pain and closer to empathy and life. Thank you for blessing me this week! I appreciate your messages to me today. The book of Romans and Acts have been very helpful to me in these last weeks. The sermon on you love was the informative I have had thus. As I meet new people, Jehovah, please bring the people into my life who have the qualities you admire and care for your will as I do. Please bring me closer to those in faith, love and kindness. Thank you for giving me insight today and bless my outing tomorrow with Todd and his gf. Also those in other countries without water and human right to worship, please pour out your love, mercy and blessings on them and keep their spirits high. All these things I ask pray, and give thanks in the name of your loving son, my Savior Jesus Christ,
Amen
6/2
Dear Jehovah,
Thanks you for my breath today! Thank you for me not feeling pain and hopefully helping that homeless man. I want to die to me. Please help me to be strong in my faith and better prophesy your name and message. I am grateful for Jesus in my life. I cherish the blood and the body. I want to sing to you, Lord. I want to sing your praises. Please help me to get closer to your will for me. I pray for those who are suffering in other countries Jehovah. I pray for my family that they may come to know your gift and undying love before they die. I want to cut the body parts that keep me from Christ in temptation. I would like to pray for Chris Jehovah that he comes to know your strength and love so he may fight his battles. Please help me to forgive my stepfather Jesus by your examples. You are the shining light that keeps me enveloped and gaining understanding. Do not let me fall away. Show your will to me so I may say "Yes, Lord" and follow with resounding praise and obedience. I pray for my friends that they come to know you Lord with humility or just though my acts and daily renewal.
All these things I ask pray, and give thanks in the name of Jesus Christ, my Savior,
Amen
5/29
Dear Jehovah,
Thank you so much for giving me today. Thank you for letting me feel no pain today. I appreciate the opportunity you gave me to serve you. I am trying to be strong. I am trying not to give in. I don't know my direction but I trust your will for me completely. I would like to pray that my family and friends come to know you as I am. I pray you give them opportunities to find you. Please show me your will for me Lord. Please show me the way. I want to be like your son. I want to come to know him as a best friend, Father. Open my eyes so I may see, please tell me the seed has fallen on fertile ground with me Jehovah. I seek you. I seek you! Please let your will be done tomorrow and help me to forgive those who intend to hurt me. Help me to be strong in my humility and persevere in your living Word.
All these things I ask pray, and give thanks in the name of your loving son, Jesus Christ,
Amen
5/20
Dear Jehovah,
Please bless me and help me to be stronger in not telling lies or exaggerations. I would like to pray for my family, friends, and Chris to come to know you Father. I know I am human and have fallen short repeatedly. Thank you for continuing to bless me and allow my eyes to be open so I may still see my wrongs and change them. Please help me to know and do your will for me, God. I do not know why I have been fighting myself for the last 3 days. Help me to steer from laziness and self doubt, please. I do not want to be in a weakened fear state for the evil one to get in. Keep protecting me Jehovah. Keep showing me and lighting my path to you Lord.
All these things I ask, pray, and give thanks in the name of your son, my savior Jesus Christ,
Amen
5/18
Dear Jehovah,
Please bless my friends and family and my current enemies. Help them to find their way to you Lord. Help me to find your will for me and not shrink back in fear. Ground me Jehovah so I may be as rock in doing your will. Thank you for the many blessings you have given me! Please continue to "open my eyes so I can see, open my ears so I can hear and open my mind so I may know" your words. Thank you Jesus for giving your life for mine. I will strive to remember this when speaking to others of you and your love for them and try to treat them as you would have. Please bless and show kindness to those in tribulations through no fault of their own who are being persecuted and nipped at the heels by the Devil. We need you Jehovah. We need the return of the true Jesus so we may have peace and love for all eternity. I look forward to singing your praises tomorrow at church or otherwise!
All these things I ask pray, and give thanks in the name of your son, Jesus Christ,
Amen
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Swim Practice
Practice today was crazy! I went underwater like 7 times without holding my nose and I learned just a little more about how to swim to prepare for waves. I thank God for giving me strength.
My instructor says by the time I get out there I should be prepared for some wave action. I have to practice on my own and keep up with getting very comfortable swimming without holding my nose and going underwater.
I'm off to shower and watch the Lakers game.. lets see if they can do some damage this game. They were only down by 4 points!
My instructor says by the time I get out there I should be prepared for some wave action. I have to practice on my own and keep up with getting very comfortable swimming without holding my nose and going underwater.
I'm off to shower and watch the Lakers game.. lets see if they can do some damage this game. They were only down by 4 points!
What a difference He makes...
In June 15th of 2007 (while in a relationship with Chris I took this personality quiz and got the below results.
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low
I took the same exact test today and these were my results!
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low
Want to take this quiz yourself? Find out where you score?
For me this is proof that Love of God and incorporation and usage of His values and principles can really change people sometimes!
Here is my dating profile
Take the Dating Profile Quiz
My Life Rating Quiz
They said my spirit score is higher than average. LOL.
Your Spirit score is very high, much higher than the average. If you wouldn't mind, please take a little time to explain how you manage to succeed so well at this aspect of your life. Your words may be read by someone else who scored very low. Take a moment to give them some useful advice. Your thoughts are very much appreciated.
Analysis
Your Life Analysis:
Life: Your life rating is a score of the sum total of your life, and accounts for how satisfied, successful, balanced, capable, valuable, and happy you are. The quiz attempts to put a number on the summation of all of these things, based on your answers. Your life score leaves room for improvement. You can make changes to improve your trouble areas, and this will bring you greater satisfaction. Focus on your weakest points and set about to change them. Do not delay your happiness and success.
Mind: Your mind rating is a score of your mind's clarity, ability, and health. Higher scores indicate an advancement in knowledge, clear and capable thinking, high mental health, and pure thought free of interference. Your mind score is not bad, but could be improved upon. Your mental health is not weak, but you are not achieving full mental clarity and function. Learn how to unclutter your mind. Keep learning, keep improving, continue moving forward.
Body: Your body rating measures your body's health, fitness, and general wellness. A healthy body contributes to a happy life, however many of us are lacking in this area. Your body score is fairly average, which means there is room for improvement. Keep a focus on your physical health. Protect your body as it is your most valuable physical asset. Nutrition, stress reduction, and exercise are key.
Spirit: Your spirit rating seeks to capture in a number that elusive quality which is found in your faith, your attitude, and your philosophy on life. A higher score indicates a greater sense of inner peace and balance. Your spirit score is dramatic. Continue on your path, do not stray. Continue to reap the rewards which your spirituality brings forth.
Friends/Family: Your friends and family rating measures your relationships with those around you, and is based on how large, healthy, and dependable your social network is. Your friends and family score is not bad but can be improved. Maintain your current social net, while you try to expand it. Try new things and form new friendships. You will be rewarded greatly.
Love: Your love rating is a measure of your current romantic situation. Sharing your heart with another person is one of life's most glorious, terrifying, rewarding experiences. You have a rather low love score. While some are lucky, for most of us love doesn't fall in our laps. You must actively work on improving this area. Do not despair, there is someone out there for you. http://www.monkeyquiz.com/life/advice-love.html
Finance: Your finance rating is a score that rates your current financial health and stability. You have a rather good financial score, which is not all that common these days. Keep doing what works. Avoid common pitfalls and save for the future. You will be glad you did.
Dante's Hell Quiz
The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante's Inferno Test
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low
I took the same exact test today and these were my results!
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low
Want to take this quiz yourself? Find out where you score?
For me this is proof that Love of God and incorporation and usage of His values and principles can really change people sometimes!
Here is my dating profile
| Your dating personality profile: Outgoing - You can liven up any party. You've got a way with people and have little difficulty charming your dates. Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate. Practical - You are a down-to-earth individual who is not impressed with material excess. You care about the stuff of life that really matters. | Your Top Ten Traits 1. Outgoing 2. Liberal 3. Practical 4. Athletic 5. Big-Hearted 6. Adventurous 7. Wealthy/Ambitious 8. Sensual 9. Religious 10. Intellectual |
| Your date match profile: Liberal - You need a person who has liberal opinions and beliefs. You are engaged by political discussions and would find a liberal viewpoint refreshing in a date. Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will be your type. Athletic - You aren't looking for a couch potato. You seek someone who is active and who keeps his body in shape. | Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Liberal 2. Big-Hearted 3. Athletic 4. Practical 5. Adventurous 6. Shy 7. Funny 8. Intellectual 9. Religious 10. Traditional |
Take the Dating Profile Quiz
My Life Rating Quiz
| This Is My Life, Rated | |
| Life: |  6.8 |
| Mind: | 6.9 |
| Body: | 6.7 |
| Spirit: |  9.2 |
| Friends/Family: |  4.9 |
| Love: |  3.6 |
| Finance: | 6.8 |
| Take the Rate My Life Quiz | |
They said my spirit score is higher than average. LOL.
Your Spirit score is very high, much higher than the average. If you wouldn't mind, please take a little time to explain how you manage to succeed so well at this aspect of your life. Your words may be read by someone else who scored very low. Take a moment to give them some useful advice. Your thoughts are very much appreciated.
Analysis
Your Life Analysis:
Life: Your life rating is a score of the sum total of your life, and accounts for how satisfied, successful, balanced, capable, valuable, and happy you are. The quiz attempts to put a number on the summation of all of these things, based on your answers. Your life score leaves room for improvement. You can make changes to improve your trouble areas, and this will bring you greater satisfaction. Focus on your weakest points and set about to change them. Do not delay your happiness and success.
Mind: Your mind rating is a score of your mind's clarity, ability, and health. Higher scores indicate an advancement in knowledge, clear and capable thinking, high mental health, and pure thought free of interference. Your mind score is not bad, but could be improved upon. Your mental health is not weak, but you are not achieving full mental clarity and function. Learn how to unclutter your mind. Keep learning, keep improving, continue moving forward.
Body: Your body rating measures your body's health, fitness, and general wellness. A healthy body contributes to a happy life, however many of us are lacking in this area. Your body score is fairly average, which means there is room for improvement. Keep a focus on your physical health. Protect your body as it is your most valuable physical asset. Nutrition, stress reduction, and exercise are key.
Spirit: Your spirit rating seeks to capture in a number that elusive quality which is found in your faith, your attitude, and your philosophy on life. A higher score indicates a greater sense of inner peace and balance. Your spirit score is dramatic. Continue on your path, do not stray. Continue to reap the rewards which your spirituality brings forth.
Friends/Family: Your friends and family rating measures your relationships with those around you, and is based on how large, healthy, and dependable your social network is. Your friends and family score is not bad but can be improved. Maintain your current social net, while you try to expand it. Try new things and form new friendships. You will be rewarded greatly.
Love: Your love rating is a measure of your current romantic situation. Sharing your heart with another person is one of life's most glorious, terrifying, rewarding experiences. You have a rather low love score. While some are lucky, for most of us love doesn't fall in our laps. You must actively work on improving this area. Do not despair, there is someone out there for you. http://www.monkeyquiz.com/life/advice-love.html
Finance: Your finance rating is a score that rates your current financial health and stability. You have a rather good financial score, which is not all that common these days. Keep doing what works. Avoid common pitfalls and save for the future. You will be glad you did.
Dante's Hell Quiz
The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
| Level | Score |
|---|---|
| Purgatory (Repenting Believers) | Extreme |
| Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) | Moderate |
| Level 2 (Lustful) | Moderate |
| Level 3 (Gluttonous) | Low |
| Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) | Very Low |
| Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) | Low |
| Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) | Very Low |
| Level 7 (Violent) | Moderate |
| Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) | Low |
| Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) | Low |
Take the Dante's Inferno Test
Emotionally Unavailable
Here is a EU quiz.
1 Never/Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Often 4 Always
1. I connect with the emotions of characters in movies.
2. When people feel sad or hurt I can share their emotion.
3. When I look at my partner I feel many different things at different times.
4. I get over being mad right away.
5. I look forward to a long relationship with my partner.
6. When I hear a happy song, I feel happy.
7. I like to laugh and to cry.
8. I can figure out everything my partner is feeling from his or her behavior.
9. I tell people what my emotions are.
10. When I feel scared, I am able to work through it.
11. No matter who I am with, I am clear about who I am.
12. I know my values, beliefs and I stick to them.
13. I'm clear about my personal relationship goals.
14. I am able to talk to my partner about my feelings.
15. I like to see emotions in others.
How to spot an EU Person.
How to spot emotionally unavailable men/women and also useful for spotting the physically and spiritually unavailable men!
He/She has a girl/boyfriend already
He’s/She's married
He’s/She's recently separated
He/She has a long distance relationship
He’s/She's very reliant on text messages, IM’ing and email for the majority of his/her contact
They’re ambiguous about the status of the relationship
You’re not sure when you’ll hear from them next, even though you’ve been dating them for a while
You think you’re in a relationship, but it’s closer to a booty call
He/She says stuff like ‘If only the timing was different, you’d be the perfect girl/boyfriend’;’If only things were different I’d definitely marry you’
When you try to tackle the status of your relationship or any issues, he/she either tells you what you want to hear and then returns to his normal behavior or he/she just skirts the issue by saying something vague. One way or the other, you wind up back at square one.
He/She lives with his/her ex
He/She shares a bed with a man/woman that she/he claims is a "friend"
He/She admits that he is dating multiple women continuously
He’s/She's not over his/her ex – openly
He/She says he’s/she's over the ex but he’s/she's quietly still trying to cope with the end of the relationship
He/She mentions his ex or things that happened between the two of them often
He’s an overt mother lover –
He’s a mother hater – has an overtly negative relationship with his mother
He/She doesn’t call when he’s/she's supposed to or says she will. Ever.
He’s/She's one big walking excuse.
You feel empty after you sleep with him.
He/She creeps out after sleeping with you even though you’ve been together for a while
He/She has a stringent routine that he just won’t deviate from – sometimes a sign that he has someone else
He/She won’t take calls either before or after a certain time – often a sign that he’s cheating
He/She doesn’t come around to your place until late
He/She is resistant to involving himself in your life
He/She talks about his problems, his successes, his life – it’s me, me, me all the way
He/She determines the momentum of the relationship – you meet up when he/she wants to meet up
He/She pushes for an ‘open’ relationship - lots of "space"
He/She never refers to you as a girlfriend/boyfriend, partner or any form of significant other
He/She uses sex as his/her way of demonstrating his/her so-called ‘emotion’
There are pockets of time when he/she seems to just disappear, and then he/she resurfaces with little or no explanation as if nothing happened.
It feels like he/she blows hot and cold - he/she is moody and non-consistent
He’s/She's quick out the gate in pursuing you, gets your attention, and then goes into a slow canter
He/She tells you that he/she has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with
He/She actually says ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’ but is still with you
He/She says he/she wants to get married, but there is no sign of a ring, no sign of a date and years are going by
He/She can’t commit to anything, no matter how miniscule – everything that he’s/she's asked, such as whether he can do something with you, or for you is a big drama to get him/her to say yes or no.
He’s/She's got about as much emotion in him/her for your feelings and happenings as a stone
He/She may try and sleep with you on the first night
1 Never/Rarely 2 Sometimes 3 Often 4 Always
1. I connect with the emotions of characters in movies.
2. When people feel sad or hurt I can share their emotion.
3. When I look at my partner I feel many different things at different times.
4. I get over being mad right away.
5. I look forward to a long relationship with my partner.
6. When I hear a happy song, I feel happy.
7. I like to laugh and to cry.
8. I can figure out everything my partner is feeling from his or her behavior.
9. I tell people what my emotions are.
10. When I feel scared, I am able to work through it.
11. No matter who I am with, I am clear about who I am.
12. I know my values, beliefs and I stick to them.
13. I'm clear about my personal relationship goals.
14. I am able to talk to my partner about my feelings.
15. I like to see emotions in others.
How to spot an EU Person.
How to spot emotionally unavailable men/women and also useful for spotting the physically and spiritually unavailable men!
He/She has a girl/boyfriend already
He’s/She's married
He’s/She's recently separated
He/She has a long distance relationship
He’s/She's very reliant on text messages, IM’ing and email for the majority of his/her contact
They’re ambiguous about the status of the relationship
You’re not sure when you’ll hear from them next, even though you’ve been dating them for a while
You think you’re in a relationship, but it’s closer to a booty call
He/She says stuff like ‘If only the timing was different, you’d be the perfect girl/boyfriend’;’If only things were different I’d definitely marry you’
When you try to tackle the status of your relationship or any issues, he/she either tells you what you want to hear and then returns to his normal behavior or he/she just skirts the issue by saying something vague. One way or the other, you wind up back at square one.
He/She lives with his/her ex
He/She shares a bed with a man/woman that she/he claims is a "friend"
He/She admits that he is dating multiple women continuously
He’s/She's not over his/her ex – openly
He/She says he’s/she's over the ex but he’s/she's quietly still trying to cope with the end of the relationship
He/She mentions his ex or things that happened between the two of them often
He’s an overt mother lover –
He’s a mother hater – has an overtly negative relationship with his mother
He/She doesn’t call when he’s/she's supposed to or says she will. Ever.
He’s/She's one big walking excuse.
You feel empty after you sleep with him.
He/She creeps out after sleeping with you even though you’ve been together for a while
He/She has a stringent routine that he just won’t deviate from – sometimes a sign that he has someone else
He/She won’t take calls either before or after a certain time – often a sign that he’s cheating
He/She doesn’t come around to your place until late
He/She is resistant to involving himself in your life
He/She talks about his problems, his successes, his life – it’s me, me, me all the way
He/She determines the momentum of the relationship – you meet up when he/she wants to meet up
He/She pushes for an ‘open’ relationship - lots of "space"
He/She never refers to you as a girlfriend/boyfriend, partner or any form of significant other
He/She uses sex as his/her way of demonstrating his/her so-called ‘emotion’
There are pockets of time when he/she seems to just disappear, and then he/she resurfaces with little or no explanation as if nothing happened.
It feels like he/she blows hot and cold - he/she is moody and non-consistent
He’s/She's quick out the gate in pursuing you, gets your attention, and then goes into a slow canter
He/She tells you that he/she has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with
He/She actually says ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’ but is still with you
He/She says he/she wants to get married, but there is no sign of a ring, no sign of a date and years are going by
He/She can’t commit to anything, no matter how miniscule – everything that he’s/she's asked, such as whether he can do something with you, or for you is a big drama to get him/her to say yes or no.
He’s/She's got about as much emotion in him/her for your feelings and happenings as a stone
He/She may try and sleep with you on the first night
Monday, June 9, 2008
Reminder - 60 days
I have told him he may come to my church. His actions are so LOUD. I give it a 10:3 and I'm not gonna say of which to which, because I already know what I mean.
Any way, below is actually a direct repost from March with some new things added, as he has not changed any of these thing since then,(with the exception for doing very well at moving on and leaving me alone as I requested), it is always helpful to review things...Here we go..
"It is giving me time to see that Chris has a lot of problems that I should not and cannot and will not deal with any longer. One is his addiction to weed. Two is his abusiveness and tendency to abuse not only me, but himself. Three is his demonstrated lack of respect for morals like thou shall not steal or thou shall not lie and his refusal to accept responsibility for things he does and also pay people back. Four is his, more apparent now than before, vengeful nature.
And what about me? What are my problems? One is my inability to be alone (which I think this breakup will remedy) two is my need to be compliant/accepted and make things ok, three is my fear of abandonment and mistrust. Four is my negative thoughts that plague me. Five is my codependent tendency and anger management issues.
The difference in mine and Chris's problems is that his land him in jail, poverty, debt, and finally death whereas mine can land me only in death by another's' hand should I allow this to continue. I seem to want to keep counting. I can count the ways that I will be better off without being in a relationship with Chris."
0) Since he is not going back to Dr. Adams or trying to quit weed, I know that this is a lost battle.
1) I will no longer worry about whether or not he is getting/will be/high and therefore treat me badly.
2) I will not have to think about his lack of calling me, not wanting to see me, and not sending me emails or showing he cares in little ways.
3) I will not feel like I am the only one working on the relationship - always bringing up the issues and asking to work on them.
4) I will see that this abuse has never stopped completely only halted temporarily and would be the same in the future.
5) I will be able to recognize his and my faults after time has passed.
6) I will see him as I see Brandon, someone I would never again want to be with and who did not deserve me and I am so much better off!
7) I will be free to learn from these mistakes without the "cloud" of love in the way.
8) I will not have anyone to go to for approval and then be sad when I do not get it because they always want "space".
9) I will not have anyone to try to "talk to and be heard" just have that person completely blow me off to do their own thing or just not listen to me as I talk.
10) I will have my own problems to deal with alone.
11) I will be forced to look at myself objectively and spend time with myself alone.
12) I will be forced to learn what I like, what I want, and what I can do by myself.
13) No more yeast infections!
14) No more messy room and hairy...everything---to have sex in!
15) No more stress of wondering, waiting, wanting and wishing about/for him to love me, to be "different" or to be kind and gentle.
16) No more of his cop-out "well, we have to just try harder""let's just see what happens" response to how we are gonna fix our problems!
17) There are no more "problems" to fix.
18) No more Nice guy/Bad guy to deal with -- Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.
19) No more cheating and lying from him to believe in.
"He needs a pen pal, a phone buddy, a fuck buddy a something other than a real giving, caring, competent, sober, loving relationship with YOU.
A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If hes not calling you to tell you he loves and wants you it should only be because he has showed up at your new residence to do it in person sincerely. If he's not trying to romance your socks off with dates, flowers, sincere poetry/songs, it should only be because he's too engrossed in his couples counseling workbooks and is prioritizing getting himself back on the right track WITH YOU. He knows what you want, you have already told him many times, if he hasn't done it by now .. its because HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.
If he's not doing any of that, he may "love you", he may "miss you", but ultimately he doesn't AND HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Find someone who really is THAT INTO YOU."
The reason he "misses you" is because he is choosing every day to be without you. He is choosing to NOT be with YOU. He should miss YOU. YOU are deeply missable. :)
He is sniffing for something better and when he doesn't find it, he gets lonely and comes back to you. Its not that he's into you though he may say it is, its that he is NOT so into being alone sometimes.
Hes just not that into you if:
He's not asking you out
He's not calling you
He's not dating you
He's not having or wanting to have sex with you
He's having sex with someone else
He's only wants to see you when he is drunk or high
He's doesn't want to marry you
He's breaking up with you
He's disappeared on you
He's emotionally unavailable(already married or insane variations on this unavailability)
He's a Selfish Jerk, a Bully or a Really Big Freak
Any way, below is actually a direct repost from March with some new things added, as he has not changed any of these thing since then,(with the exception for doing very well at moving on and leaving me alone as I requested), it is always helpful to review things...Here we go..
"It is giving me time to see that Chris has a lot of problems that I should not and cannot and will not deal with any longer. One is his addiction to weed. Two is his abusiveness and tendency to abuse not only me, but himself. Three is his demonstrated lack of respect for morals like thou shall not steal or thou shall not lie and his refusal to accept responsibility for things he does and also pay people back. Four is his, more apparent now than before, vengeful nature.
And what about me? What are my problems? One is my inability to be alone (which I think this breakup will remedy) two is my need to be compliant/accepted and make things ok, three is my fear of abandonment and mistrust. Four is my negative thoughts that plague me. Five is my codependent tendency and anger management issues.
The difference in mine and Chris's problems is that his land him in jail, poverty, debt, and finally death whereas mine can land me only in death by another's' hand should I allow this to continue. I seem to want to keep counting. I can count the ways that I will be better off without being in a relationship with Chris."
0) Since he is not going back to Dr. Adams or trying to quit weed, I know that this is a lost battle.
1) I will no longer worry about whether or not he is getting/will be/high and therefore treat me badly.
2) I will not have to think about his lack of calling me, not wanting to see me, and not sending me emails or showing he cares in little ways.
3) I will not feel like I am the only one working on the relationship - always bringing up the issues and asking to work on them.
4) I will see that this abuse has never stopped completely only halted temporarily and would be the same in the future.
5) I will be able to recognize his and my faults after time has passed.
6) I will see him as I see Brandon, someone I would never again want to be with and who did not deserve me and I am so much better off!
7) I will be free to learn from these mistakes without the "cloud" of love in the way.
8) I will not have anyone to go to for approval and then be sad when I do not get it because they always want "space".
9) I will not have anyone to try to "talk to and be heard" just have that person completely blow me off to do their own thing or just not listen to me as I talk.
10) I will have my own problems to deal with alone.
11) I will be forced to look at myself objectively and spend time with myself alone.
12) I will be forced to learn what I like, what I want, and what I can do by myself.
13) No more yeast infections!
14) No more messy room and hairy...everything---to have sex in!
15) No more stress of wondering, waiting, wanting and wishing about/for him to love me, to be "different" or to be kind and gentle.
16) No more of his cop-out "well, we have to just try harder""let's just see what happens" response to how we are gonna fix our problems!
17) There are no more "problems" to fix.
18) No more Nice guy/Bad guy to deal with -- Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.
19) No more cheating and lying from him to believe in.
"He needs a pen pal, a phone buddy, a fuck buddy a something other than a real giving, caring, competent, sober, loving relationship with YOU.
A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If hes not calling you to tell you he loves and wants you it should only be because he has showed up at your new residence to do it in person sincerely. If he's not trying to romance your socks off with dates, flowers, sincere poetry/songs, it should only be because he's too engrossed in his couples counseling workbooks and is prioritizing getting himself back on the right track WITH YOU. He knows what you want, you have already told him many times, if he hasn't done it by now .. its because HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.
If he's not doing any of that, he may "love you", he may "miss you", but ultimately he doesn't AND HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Find someone who really is THAT INTO YOU."
The reason he "misses you" is because he is choosing every day to be without you. He is choosing to NOT be with YOU. He should miss YOU. YOU are deeply missable. :)
He is sniffing for something better and when he doesn't find it, he gets lonely and comes back to you. Its not that he's into you though he may say it is, its that he is NOT so into being alone sometimes.
Hes just not that into you if:
He's not asking you out
He's not calling you
He's not dating you
He's not having or wanting to have sex with you
He's having sex with someone else
He's only wants to see you when he is drunk or high
He's doesn't want to marry you
He's breaking up with you
He's disappeared on you
He's emotionally unavailable(already married or insane variations on this unavailability)
He's a Selfish Jerk, a Bully or a Really Big Freak
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Learning Moves and more Moves
I WAS LATER PLACED BY A DISGUSTING AGENCY CALLED DYFS AND LATER AFTER SOME SEARCHING I WAS PLACED WAS INTO MY YOUNG, 30 YEAR OLD UNSUSPECTING AUNTS HOME, WHO NEVER HAD A ANGRY AND REPRESSED GIRL LIVE WITH HER LET ALONE HAD A CONVERSATION WITH ONE. SHE WAS NOT READY FOR ME. I WAS NOT READY FOR HER EITHER, SHE WAS TOTALLY DIFFERENT THAN MY MOTHER, SHE WAS NOT MY MOTHER AND NOW COULD TELL ME WHAT TO DO?
NO, I THOUGHT. I'M NOT LISTENING TO ANYONE. WE HAD ESTABLISHED CERTAIN GROUND RULES IN HER HOUSE THAT I WAS TO LIVE BY AND I DISRESPECTFULLY BROKE EVERY ONE. I HATED MY NEW SCHOOL, HATED MY NEW HOME, HATED MYSELF AND EVERYONE AROUND ME. STUCK ON EARTH THAT'S WHAT I FELT LIKE I WAS. UNTIL I MET SOME SURFERS AND SKATERS NEAR MY NEW HOME WHO LISTENED TO ALTERNATIVE ROCK THEN I BECAME A TINY BIT MORE COMPATIBLE AND SWEET AND INSPIRED WITH HER AND FOR A TIME SHE APPRECIATED IT, WE READ REALLY UNREALISTIC HARLEQUIN ROMANCE LOVE STORIES TO EACH OTHER AND ATE COOKIES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, I HAD A CRUSH ON A BOY AND LIFE WAS A LITTLE BETTER.
HE DID NOT LIKE ME, HE COMPLETELY IGNORED ME, AND SAID HE THOUGHT I WAS TOTALLY "UNCOOL". NO STRANGER TO REJECTION, AFTER ALL I HAD GONE THROUGH TO GET HIM TO LIKE ME! WELL, I THOUGHT, “I'LL SHOW HIM”, BUT INSTEAD I JOINED THE SCHOOL PLAY OTHELLO AND STARTED HANGING OUT WITH THE SMART KIDS AND GOT AN OUT OF TOWN BOYFRIEND THAT LASTED FOR ABOUT 6 MONTHS. I BEGAN LISTENING TO FREESTYLE HANGING OUT WITH HIM AND HIS FRIENDS, AS THEY BECAME MY FRIENDS (A PATTERN WAS ALREADY BEING SET UP) AND THEY WERE ALL JEWISH AND WE USED TO HANG OUT LATE AT NIGHTS IN A SYNAGOGUE WHICH WAS REALLY INTERESTING TO ME BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T BELIEVE IN RELIGION I COULD FEEL THEIR STRONG BELIEFS. I CHANGED THE WAY I DRESSED AND SPOKE AND THOUGHT I WOULD LEARN ABOUT ME THROUGH THEM. WE EVEN SPOKE ABOUT RELIGION IN GENERAL, TEENAGE ANGST, LITERATURE, PSYCHOLOGY YOU NAME IT WE DISCUSSED IT. THIS FIRST BOYFRIEND OF MINE, HAD ME OVER HIS HOUSE ALL THE TIME AND WE GOT INTO A LOT OF TROUBLE TOGETHER WHICH AT THE TIME WAS "FUN" TO ME, BUT MY INTELLECTUAL/BURGEONING CRIMINAL BLISS WAS DISTURBED BY YET ANOTHER SHAKEDOWN.
MY AUNT WAS GETTING WILD, FEELING WEIRD AND KICKED ME OUT OF HER HOUSE, I FOUND OUT MUCH LATER THAT SHE WAS SLOWLY LOSING HER MIND. SHE WENT INTO AN INSTITUTION AND I HAD NO PLACE TO GO. SHE'S DOING MUCH BETTER NOW, SHE HAD STARTED TO SPLIT UP MENTALLY AND WAS GETTING VERY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. THE VOICES TOLD HER TO HURT HERSELF. SCHIZOPHRENIA THEY HAD CALLED IT. AM I DEFECTIVE? CHECK. AM I UNWANTED? CHECK. DID I CAUSE THIS? CHECK. YES, BECAUSE I CAUSE EVERYTHING, OR SO I BELIEVED.
ANOTHER MOVE. TIME TO GO AGAIN. WOULD ANYONE EVER WANT ME FOR KEEPS, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
THIS TIME I MOVED TO MY GRANDPARENTS ON MY FATHER'S SIDE. I HAD NOT SEEN, KNEW OR REALLY SPOKEN TO THEM MUCH EXCEPT FOR THE OCCASIONAL TRIP OR VISIT AND MY EARLY 8 YEAR OLD INTRODUCTION TO THEM WAS LONG FORGOTTEN. THEY WERE VERY OLD AND VERY VERY TRADITIONAL LATIN AND I REPRESENTED AN COMPLETE AFFRONT TO ALL OF THAT FOR THEM. I WALKED INTO THEIR HOUSE ENTITLED, ANGRY, REPRESSED AND VIOLENT. I HATED TRADITION AND I WANTED TO REBEL AND DO MY OWN THING I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION I OWNED THE WORLD. I WANTED EVERYTHING AND WAS GONNA HAVE IT, BY GOD, OR THERE WOULD BE HELL TO PAY FUCKER! I HAD JUST TURNED SWEET SIXTEEN.
NO, I THOUGHT. I'M NOT LISTENING TO ANYONE. WE HAD ESTABLISHED CERTAIN GROUND RULES IN HER HOUSE THAT I WAS TO LIVE BY AND I DISRESPECTFULLY BROKE EVERY ONE. I HATED MY NEW SCHOOL, HATED MY NEW HOME, HATED MYSELF AND EVERYONE AROUND ME. STUCK ON EARTH THAT'S WHAT I FELT LIKE I WAS. UNTIL I MET SOME SURFERS AND SKATERS NEAR MY NEW HOME WHO LISTENED TO ALTERNATIVE ROCK THEN I BECAME A TINY BIT MORE COMPATIBLE AND SWEET AND INSPIRED WITH HER AND FOR A TIME SHE APPRECIATED IT, WE READ REALLY UNREALISTIC HARLEQUIN ROMANCE LOVE STORIES TO EACH OTHER AND ATE COOKIES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, I HAD A CRUSH ON A BOY AND LIFE WAS A LITTLE BETTER.
HE DID NOT LIKE ME, HE COMPLETELY IGNORED ME, AND SAID HE THOUGHT I WAS TOTALLY "UNCOOL". NO STRANGER TO REJECTION, AFTER ALL I HAD GONE THROUGH TO GET HIM TO LIKE ME! WELL, I THOUGHT, “I'LL SHOW HIM”, BUT INSTEAD I JOINED THE SCHOOL PLAY OTHELLO AND STARTED HANGING OUT WITH THE SMART KIDS AND GOT AN OUT OF TOWN BOYFRIEND THAT LASTED FOR ABOUT 6 MONTHS. I BEGAN LISTENING TO FREESTYLE HANGING OUT WITH HIM AND HIS FRIENDS, AS THEY BECAME MY FRIENDS (A PATTERN WAS ALREADY BEING SET UP) AND THEY WERE ALL JEWISH AND WE USED TO HANG OUT LATE AT NIGHTS IN A SYNAGOGUE WHICH WAS REALLY INTERESTING TO ME BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T BELIEVE IN RELIGION I COULD FEEL THEIR STRONG BELIEFS. I CHANGED THE WAY I DRESSED AND SPOKE AND THOUGHT I WOULD LEARN ABOUT ME THROUGH THEM. WE EVEN SPOKE ABOUT RELIGION IN GENERAL, TEENAGE ANGST, LITERATURE, PSYCHOLOGY YOU NAME IT WE DISCUSSED IT. THIS FIRST BOYFRIEND OF MINE, HAD ME OVER HIS HOUSE ALL THE TIME AND WE GOT INTO A LOT OF TROUBLE TOGETHER WHICH AT THE TIME WAS "FUN" TO ME, BUT MY INTELLECTUAL/BURGEONING CRIMINAL BLISS WAS DISTURBED BY YET ANOTHER SHAKEDOWN.
MY AUNT WAS GETTING WILD, FEELING WEIRD AND KICKED ME OUT OF HER HOUSE, I FOUND OUT MUCH LATER THAT SHE WAS SLOWLY LOSING HER MIND. SHE WENT INTO AN INSTITUTION AND I HAD NO PLACE TO GO. SHE'S DOING MUCH BETTER NOW, SHE HAD STARTED TO SPLIT UP MENTALLY AND WAS GETTING VERY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. THE VOICES TOLD HER TO HURT HERSELF. SCHIZOPHRENIA THEY HAD CALLED IT. AM I DEFECTIVE? CHECK. AM I UNWANTED? CHECK. DID I CAUSE THIS? CHECK. YES, BECAUSE I CAUSE EVERYTHING, OR SO I BELIEVED.
ANOTHER MOVE. TIME TO GO AGAIN. WOULD ANYONE EVER WANT ME FOR KEEPS, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
THIS TIME I MOVED TO MY GRANDPARENTS ON MY FATHER'S SIDE. I HAD NOT SEEN, KNEW OR REALLY SPOKEN TO THEM MUCH EXCEPT FOR THE OCCASIONAL TRIP OR VISIT AND MY EARLY 8 YEAR OLD INTRODUCTION TO THEM WAS LONG FORGOTTEN. THEY WERE VERY OLD AND VERY VERY TRADITIONAL LATIN AND I REPRESENTED AN COMPLETE AFFRONT TO ALL OF THAT FOR THEM. I WALKED INTO THEIR HOUSE ENTITLED, ANGRY, REPRESSED AND VIOLENT. I HATED TRADITION AND I WANTED TO REBEL AND DO MY OWN THING I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION I OWNED THE WORLD. I WANTED EVERYTHING AND WAS GONNA HAVE IT, BY GOD, OR THERE WOULD BE HELL TO PAY FUCKER! I HAD JUST TURNED SWEET SIXTEEN.
Tonight I did poorly
Tonight was a backslide in the wrong direction. I don't think I want the kind of "friends" R*&*()# has. I suppose that is all you can get nowadays in this society and that I should strive to do more, but I'm not.
I really want to be friends with nice people, people I can count on, and people who are not condescending and snappy when asked a question. People who not jealous and insecure or talk about you behind your back when you walk away. I am disgusted right now with all these thoughts about my reactions.
Where will I find these people? Where do they hang out and once I find them how do I hold on to them? I realized tonight I not only do not know how to make friends, or keep them, however I also have some standards as to the type of friends I want and feel very cut off from this world.
Meh.. I will be lonely for some time and this is just something I have to get through and over..
I can feel that familiar ache though...it is starting to burn.. hard.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Grateful
Things I am grateful for today:
• growing awareness of God's purpose for me
• eating/caring for myself with zest for Jesus
• getting to know about Jesus's teachings and his sacrifice for me
• helping others learn about God & see his good works through me - even enemies
• having boundaries with unsafe people
• new friends
• my honesty
• my will
• witnessing the beauty around me
• my family
• my intelligence
• picking up the guitar again
• feeling safe in my new home
• my computer
• growing awareness of God's purpose for me
• eating/caring for myself with zest for Jesus
• getting to know about Jesus's teachings and his sacrifice for me
• helping others learn about God & see his good works through me - even enemies
• having boundaries with unsafe people
• new friends
• my honesty
• my will
• witnessing the beauty around me
• my family
• my intelligence
• picking up the guitar again
• feeling safe in my new home
• my computer
I enjoy talking to him right now
m1steranders0n1: depressed
me: oh
wanna talk or you wanna deal alone?
m1steranders0n1: i dont mind talking
1:35 AM me: is that a yes or a no
m1steranders0n1: what are you up to
no i wanna talk to you
me: :P
no you want to talk to me
m1steranders0n1: i do
me: or yes you want to talk to me :P
m1steranders0n1: lol
i miss you
1:36 AM me: awww
i hav ethought of you today too
m1steranders0n1: did you really
me: i said hey but you werent around at the time
m1steranders0n1: did you have a good bbq
me: yeah yeah sure
no
m1steranders0n1: :-( im sorry darling
me: dude..
m1steranders0n1: i would have been here
me: the bbq
m1steranders0n1: but i had a grad party
me: i totally fucked up :(
m1steranders0n1: what happend
me: long story
brb
wanna hear?
1:37 AM k brb
m1steranders0n1: yeah
i do
1:38 AM me: if your busy i can tell you tomorrow
m1steranders0n1: im not busy
unless you are
1:39 AM just tell me if youra busy if you are
me: ok im not busy
i want to talk to you
but if u have to go soon
m1steranders0n1: i want to talk to you too
me: then.. its cool :)
m1steranders0n1: no i dont have to go anywhere
me: ok brb
m1steranders0n1: im laying inb ed with my laptop
1:40 AM me: yeah i wanna get there too
m1steranders0n1: being lonely
me: one sec, let me get comfortable brb
-------------------
7:36 PM me: did you care about our favorite lyrics or were you just caring about sharing yours?
7:37 PM m1steranders0n: what? what do you mean
7:38 PM me: i mean when we were talking about our favorite lyrics were you actually concerned with mine and knowing more about me or were you mostly interested in yours and about you?
7:39 PM m1steranders0n: i wanted to know yours i didnt even know what my favorite lyrics were until the later in the convo
me: ok i was just thinking about it awhile and wanted to give you a chance to state your side of it
7:41 PM m1steranders0n: ok..so you thought i didnt care about yours? or what
me: yeah
m1steranders0n: what made you think that
7:42 PM me: well, when i had gotten ready to share mine with you after you showed me yours..
i felt like when you said in 45 secs
it maybe wasnt as important for you and then when you said that you were checking it out and made no comment i thought maybe you did not care
m1steranders0n: no that was just cause i hadnt heard that song in awhile and my favorite part is the end
and i dont like to skip parts
i did comment about it though
7:43 PM me: those were my own thoughts you know? but i wanted to ask you so i was clear on the communication with us / you
m1steranders0n: ok well im glad you asked if it was bothering you
me: im glad i asked too
:)
7:44 PM have you drank alot this week?
m1steranders0n: only on sat
i got pretty drunk
7:45 PM me: so "on Saturday you got pretty drunk"? LOL.. only is a minimizing word did you know that?
so is "just a little"
and "a little bit"
"not really" is also a minimizing statement
i just learned this
lol
7:46 PM m1steranders0n: well im just saying its not like im getting drunk every day or something lol
me: lol..i never said you are.. do you feel you are?
m1steranders0n: no lol but i felt like maybe you thought i was based on the question
me: lol "just" is a minimizing statement
this is funny
7:47 PM lol
no i dont think you
are
7:48 PM your thoughts come from you..and are minimized by you :) my thoughts come from me and are minimized by me
its social conditioning and fascinating
m1steranders0n: my thoughts are also affected by how i interpret external forces
7:49 PM me: yes
m1steranders0n: and im only explaining myself im not trying to minimize anything lol
i got drunk a lot 2 weeks ago cause it was my birthday and graduation week
me: right! i read that convo again like earlier today
m1steranders0n: haha you did
me: yep
m1steranders0n: what made you wanna read it again?
7:50 PM me: i wanted to make sure i wasnt jumping to conclusions before i asked you about your behavior and statement that day
m1steranders0n: well im sorry that you felt that way i didnt realize it came across like that
7:51 PM me: i want to feel like i have a friend I can share things with and i wanted to make sure that perception is correct that I have about you and us
its cool! im glad we talked about it
and i am also glad i let you know where i stand and i got your point of view also
7:52 PM m1steranders0n: me too, im glad you are so honest and open with me
me: i feel closer now
:)
m1steranders0n: :-) /hug
me: /hug
did you talk to that girl ever? were you able to be honest with her?
m1steranders0n: i havent been able to yet
7:53 PM only her sister
me: and how about the other girl? the one coming?
m1steranders0n: i asked her sister if she sees natalie to tell her that i would like to talk to her and she told me she doesnt see her that often lately but she will try
7:54 PM and that other girl apparnetly went to PA instead and still wants to see me but i told her about natalie
and she still wants to meet me but only after im "over her"
7:55 PM me: do you think its a safe assumption if a guy tells a girl about another girl.. that he is still interested in the prior girl/relationship? and she should prob wait until he is actually ready to be with her?
m1steranders0n: i went on a free dating site and i have a date this week with a cool girl so well see how that goes....also ironically enough i met a girl on there who lives in omaha nebraska (same place natalie lives lol) and she comes here to Texas 2-3 times a month she said
im confused by yoru question
*you
*your
7:56 PM me: read it again
as an advice columnist
2 girls 1 guy and one like him
but he was in another relationship
likes*
7:57 PM is it safe to assume that he is not ready to begin anything with the new girl til he over the previous
from the girls point..
m1steranders0n: im not sure but i guess to be safe that would be a yes
7:58 PM me: and that she should wait until he has or is over the previous relationship?
not wait as in wait for him but wait in the sense that she should move on with her aspiration?
7:59 PM m1steranders0n: so 2 girls 1 guy, 1 of the girls the guy is not over and the other girl likes the guy?
8:00 PM me: yeah
8:01 PM m1steranders0n: and you're asking if it's safe to assume that she would be making a mistake by waiting for him to be over her?
8:02 PM me: yes
by wait you mean like actually waiting around for him to be over the other person?
8:03 PM m1steranders0n: i wouldnt encourage it
me: because i think she should not wait and just kind of move on til he is ready but without looking back also..
m1steranders0n: when would you actually know if he's over her or not
me: lol "wouldnt encourage it", dont sugar coat give me the skinny :)
exactly
so if she meets him
8:04 PM and he isnt over her
then she should move on to find someone who will actually just be interested in being with her
or getting to know her.. but not in a rushed way. in a more relaxed way right?
m1steranders0n: yeah
8:05 PM me: because really she has no way of knowing if/when ever that guy is going to be over the other chick
m1steranders0n: indeed
me: and if she is still attracted to him anyway, then its prob because she needs him to not be fully hers
she needs the distance.. the unavailibilty
8:06 PM now im speaking subconciously...
and subconciously if he is only interested in her and getting to know her it might be scary for her
m1steranders0n: its possible
me: because then she would actually have to "show up" "be herself" "be present"
8:07 PM hmm
m1steranders0n: but she was pretty adament in coming to see me when she didnt know i was still thinking about nat so i dont think that applies to her
me: no i dont think it does apply to her at all
do you think its the same with a guy who does drugs.. who has a relationship with drugs?
he is never actually "there" so she doesnt have to be either
8:08 PM since his relationship with drugs is higher on the priority list of to dos
m1steranders0n: i could see it relate to anything i guess
me: she gets a double whammy of neglect and yet longing for acceptance but not really wanting acceptance!
8:09 PM m1steranders0n: like honestly i couldnt be with a hardcore religious girl who valued her church more than her relationship with me in the same way that i wouldnt with a girl who was seeing another guy or hardcore into drugs
me: this could be He also im just saying she cuz we were talking about Nat and the other chick
yeah
because you would want them to be present in your own relationship
8:10 PM m1steranders0n: yeah
me: right? you would want them to be working on the relationship with you not doing all the work yourself
having an imaginary relationship lol
am i correct?
8:11 PM but if secretly or subconciously you were used to or thought of relationships as one person being present and the other not.. and you were afraid of committing .. wouldnt you choose to be with someone who influences thoes feelings in your own relationship?
8:12 PM you would! i think thats what some people do!
its a natural progression.. not a healthy one
but natural
m1steranders0n: i suppose so if thats what you subconsioucly want
me: yeah, wow..
8:13 PM i think that is why i am not choosing to be with addicts anymore
because i want the other person to be present all the time - not there sometimes when they are sober
8:14 PM m1steranders0n: slmnymph (10:12:20 PM): i think that is why i am not choosing to be with addicts anymore or "not choosing to give up being with addicts anymore"
me: and as i get closer to being comfortable with making and keeping commitments.. i am expecting the same and want the same!
m1steranders0n: which is what you meant?
8:15 PM me: i meant ... because i now want someone who is always present i have no desire to be in a relationship with someone who cannot be
when before.. i did not
i was afraid
i was unsure
m1steranders0n: oh ok
me: that is prob also why guys who are "taken" are not attractive to me
8:16 PM as i get closer to committing to myself
I become more wary of those who will not commit to me and desire them less
8:17 PM m1steranders0n: yeah
me: its baby steps
m1steranders0n: well it seems like you are on the right path
8:18 PM me: i think so
8:20 PM wow
M1sterAnders0n: wow what
me: i am just like having an epiphany
what are you doin right now?
M1sterAnders0n: watching v for vendetta with my dad
have you seen it
me: i love it!
M1sterAnders0n: me too
m1steranders0n1: my gmail (which i just made today) is *********
8:27 PM i liked stranger than fiction too
8:28 PM m1steranders0n1: i liked the last act but i wasnt really into it near the beginning
i thought the love story was kind of contrived
but i did like it overall
8:29 PM me: yeah i thought so too
8:31 PM how long have we been talking for?
since WoW to AIM?
8:32 PM m1steranders0n1: im not sure....its hard to say
does it say when we added each other on mypsace or anything
me: hmm
i think so let me chk
8:34 PM sept 3 2006 - holy fuck! lol
dude that is a long time we have been talking
lol
m1steranders0n1: lol wow and that was probably a while after we met cause we wer playing for a while before we added each other i think
like maybe a month or two im not sure
me: it was prob July or August actually
yeah we were playing for a long time together before that
8:35 PM hmmm maybe August ish?
prob like a month before we added one another?
ooh my bad July 16 2006
that was the first comment
so prob like a month before that
aww its our anniversary being friends?! LOL
8:36 PM m1steranders0n1: haahah :-P
me: you know friends dont celebrate anniversaries
they should
its a nice gesture :)
m1steranders0n1: agreed :-)
me: who knows maybe in another country they do?
m1steranders0n1: im sure some culture somewhere does
me: actually holy shit it was May
8:37 PM looks like May 9, 2006
is the earliest comment
saying lets do it! wher eis my server?!
lol
m1steranders0n1: hahaha
8:38 PM me: i remember servers were totally messed up and wait times were LONG!
m1steranders0n1: yeah that sucked i remember
me: i wanna read, will you be on later?
M1sterAnders0n: probably
me: k, maybe i will catch up with you in a bit!
M1sterAnders0n: ok!
me: oh
wanna talk or you wanna deal alone?
m1steranders0n1: i dont mind talking
1:35 AM me: is that a yes or a no
m1steranders0n1: what are you up to
no i wanna talk to you
me: :P
no you want to talk to me
m1steranders0n1: i do
me: or yes you want to talk to me :P
m1steranders0n1: lol
i miss you
1:36 AM me: awww
i hav ethought of you today too
m1steranders0n1: did you really
me: i said hey but you werent around at the time
m1steranders0n1: did you have a good bbq
me: yeah yeah sure
no
m1steranders0n1: :-( im sorry darling
me: dude..
m1steranders0n1: i would have been here
me: the bbq
m1steranders0n1: but i had a grad party
me: i totally fucked up :(
m1steranders0n1: what happend
me: long story
brb
wanna hear?
1:37 AM k brb
m1steranders0n1: yeah
i do
1:38 AM me: if your busy i can tell you tomorrow
m1steranders0n1: im not busy
unless you are
1:39 AM just tell me if youra busy if you are
me: ok im not busy
i want to talk to you
but if u have to go soon
m1steranders0n1: i want to talk to you too
me: then.. its cool :)
m1steranders0n1: no i dont have to go anywhere
me: ok brb
m1steranders0n1: im laying inb ed with my laptop
1:40 AM me: yeah i wanna get there too
m1steranders0n1: being lonely
me: one sec, let me get comfortable brb
-------------------
7:36 PM me: did you care about our favorite lyrics or were you just caring about sharing yours?
7:37 PM m1steranders0n: what? what do you mean
7:38 PM me: i mean when we were talking about our favorite lyrics were you actually concerned with mine and knowing more about me or were you mostly interested in yours and about you?
7:39 PM m1steranders0n: i wanted to know yours i didnt even know what my favorite lyrics were until the later in the convo
me: ok i was just thinking about it awhile and wanted to give you a chance to state your side of it
7:41 PM m1steranders0n: ok..so you thought i didnt care about yours? or what
me: yeah
m1steranders0n: what made you think that
7:42 PM me: well, when i had gotten ready to share mine with you after you showed me yours..
i felt like when you said in 45 secs
it maybe wasnt as important for you and then when you said that you were checking it out and made no comment i thought maybe you did not care
m1steranders0n: no that was just cause i hadnt heard that song in awhile and my favorite part is the end
and i dont like to skip parts
i did comment about it though
7:43 PM me: those were my own thoughts you know? but i wanted to ask you so i was clear on the communication with us / you
m1steranders0n: ok well im glad you asked if it was bothering you
me: im glad i asked too
:)
7:44 PM have you drank alot this week?
m1steranders0n: only on sat
i got pretty drunk
7:45 PM me: so "on Saturday you got pretty drunk"? LOL.. only is a minimizing word did you know that?
so is "just a little"
and "a little bit"
"not really" is also a minimizing statement
i just learned this
lol
7:46 PM m1steranders0n: well im just saying its not like im getting drunk every day or something lol
me: lol..i never said you are.. do you feel you are?
m1steranders0n: no lol but i felt like maybe you thought i was based on the question
me: lol "just" is a minimizing statement
this is funny
7:47 PM lol
no i dont think you
are
7:48 PM your thoughts come from you..and are minimized by you :) my thoughts come from me and are minimized by me
its social conditioning and fascinating
m1steranders0n: my thoughts are also affected by how i interpret external forces
7:49 PM me: yes
m1steranders0n: and im only explaining myself im not trying to minimize anything lol
i got drunk a lot 2 weeks ago cause it was my birthday and graduation week
me: right! i read that convo again like earlier today
m1steranders0n: haha you did
me: yep
m1steranders0n: what made you wanna read it again?
7:50 PM me: i wanted to make sure i wasnt jumping to conclusions before i asked you about your behavior and statement that day
m1steranders0n: well im sorry that you felt that way i didnt realize it came across like that
7:51 PM me: i want to feel like i have a friend I can share things with and i wanted to make sure that perception is correct that I have about you and us
its cool! im glad we talked about it
and i am also glad i let you know where i stand and i got your point of view also
7:52 PM m1steranders0n: me too, im glad you are so honest and open with me
me: i feel closer now
:)
m1steranders0n: :-) /hug
me: /hug
did you talk to that girl ever? were you able to be honest with her?
m1steranders0n: i havent been able to yet
7:53 PM only her sister
me: and how about the other girl? the one coming?
m1steranders0n: i asked her sister if she sees natalie to tell her that i would like to talk to her and she told me she doesnt see her that often lately but she will try
7:54 PM and that other girl apparnetly went to PA instead and still wants to see me but i told her about natalie
and she still wants to meet me but only after im "over her"
7:55 PM me: do you think its a safe assumption if a guy tells a girl about another girl.. that he is still interested in the prior girl/relationship? and she should prob wait until he is actually ready to be with her?
m1steranders0n: i went on a free dating site and i have a date this week with a cool girl so well see how that goes....also ironically enough i met a girl on there who lives in omaha nebraska (same place natalie lives lol) and she comes here to Texas 2-3 times a month she said
im confused by yoru question
*you
*your
7:56 PM me: read it again
as an advice columnist
2 girls 1 guy and one like him
but he was in another relationship
likes*
7:57 PM is it safe to assume that he is not ready to begin anything with the new girl til he over the previous
from the girls point..
m1steranders0n: im not sure but i guess to be safe that would be a yes
7:58 PM me: and that she should wait until he has or is over the previous relationship?
not wait as in wait for him but wait in the sense that she should move on with her aspiration?
7:59 PM m1steranders0n: so 2 girls 1 guy, 1 of the girls the guy is not over and the other girl likes the guy?
8:00 PM me: yeah
8:01 PM m1steranders0n: and you're asking if it's safe to assume that she would be making a mistake by waiting for him to be over her?
8:02 PM me: yes
by wait you mean like actually waiting around for him to be over the other person?
8:03 PM m1steranders0n: i wouldnt encourage it
me: because i think she should not wait and just kind of move on til he is ready but without looking back also..
m1steranders0n: when would you actually know if he's over her or not
me: lol "wouldnt encourage it", dont sugar coat give me the skinny :)
exactly
so if she meets him
8:04 PM and he isnt over her
then she should move on to find someone who will actually just be interested in being with her
or getting to know her.. but not in a rushed way. in a more relaxed way right?
m1steranders0n: yeah
8:05 PM me: because really she has no way of knowing if/when ever that guy is going to be over the other chick
m1steranders0n: indeed
me: and if she is still attracted to him anyway, then its prob because she needs him to not be fully hers
she needs the distance.. the unavailibilty
8:06 PM now im speaking subconciously...
and subconciously if he is only interested in her and getting to know her it might be scary for her
m1steranders0n: its possible
me: because then she would actually have to "show up" "be herself" "be present"
8:07 PM hmm
m1steranders0n: but she was pretty adament in coming to see me when she didnt know i was still thinking about nat so i dont think that applies to her
me: no i dont think it does apply to her at all
do you think its the same with a guy who does drugs.. who has a relationship with drugs?
he is never actually "there" so she doesnt have to be either
8:08 PM since his relationship with drugs is higher on the priority list of to dos
m1steranders0n: i could see it relate to anything i guess
me: she gets a double whammy of neglect and yet longing for acceptance but not really wanting acceptance!
8:09 PM m1steranders0n: like honestly i couldnt be with a hardcore religious girl who valued her church more than her relationship with me in the same way that i wouldnt with a girl who was seeing another guy or hardcore into drugs
me: this could be He also im just saying she cuz we were talking about Nat and the other chick
yeah
because you would want them to be present in your own relationship
8:10 PM m1steranders0n: yeah
me: right? you would want them to be working on the relationship with you not doing all the work yourself
having an imaginary relationship lol
am i correct?
8:11 PM but if secretly or subconciously you were used to or thought of relationships as one person being present and the other not.. and you were afraid of committing .. wouldnt you choose to be with someone who influences thoes feelings in your own relationship?
8:12 PM you would! i think thats what some people do!
its a natural progression.. not a healthy one
but natural
m1steranders0n: i suppose so if thats what you subconsioucly want
me: yeah, wow..
8:13 PM i think that is why i am not choosing to be with addicts anymore
because i want the other person to be present all the time - not there sometimes when they are sober
8:14 PM m1steranders0n: slmnymph (10:12:20 PM): i think that is why i am not choosing to be with addicts anymore or "not choosing to give up being with addicts anymore"
me: and as i get closer to being comfortable with making and keeping commitments.. i am expecting the same and want the same!
m1steranders0n: which is what you meant?
8:15 PM me: i meant ... because i now want someone who is always present i have no desire to be in a relationship with someone who cannot be
when before.. i did not
i was afraid
i was unsure
m1steranders0n: oh ok
me: that is prob also why guys who are "taken" are not attractive to me
8:16 PM as i get closer to committing to myself
I become more wary of those who will not commit to me and desire them less
8:17 PM m1steranders0n: yeah
me: its baby steps
m1steranders0n: well it seems like you are on the right path
8:18 PM me: i think so
8:20 PM wow
M1sterAnders0n: wow what
me: i am just like having an epiphany
what are you doin right now?
M1sterAnders0n: watching v for vendetta with my dad
have you seen it
me: i love it!
M1sterAnders0n: me too
m1steranders0n1: my gmail (which i just made today) is *********
8:27 PM i liked stranger than fiction too
8:28 PM m1steranders0n1: i liked the last act but i wasnt really into it near the beginning
i thought the love story was kind of contrived
but i did like it overall
8:29 PM me: yeah i thought so too
8:31 PM how long have we been talking for?
since WoW to AIM?
8:32 PM m1steranders0n1: im not sure....its hard to say
does it say when we added each other on mypsace or anything
me: hmm
i think so let me chk
8:34 PM sept 3 2006 - holy fuck! lol
dude that is a long time we have been talking
lol
m1steranders0n1: lol wow and that was probably a while after we met cause we wer playing for a while before we added each other i think
like maybe a month or two im not sure
me: it was prob July or August actually
yeah we were playing for a long time together before that
8:35 PM hmmm maybe August ish?
prob like a month before we added one another?
ooh my bad July 16 2006
that was the first comment
so prob like a month before that
aww its our anniversary being friends?! LOL
8:36 PM m1steranders0n1: haahah :-P
me: you know friends dont celebrate anniversaries
they should
its a nice gesture :)
m1steranders0n1: agreed :-)
me: who knows maybe in another country they do?
m1steranders0n1: im sure some culture somewhere does
me: actually holy shit it was May
8:37 PM looks like May 9, 2006
is the earliest comment
saying lets do it! wher eis my server?!
lol
m1steranders0n1: hahaha
8:38 PM me: i remember servers were totally messed up and wait times were LONG!
m1steranders0n1: yeah that sucked i remember
me: i wanna read, will you be on later?
M1sterAnders0n: probably
me: k, maybe i will catch up with you in a bit!
M1sterAnders0n: ok!
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